Week 13: Stay-cation/Self-Care

Tomorrow we drive to see Grace again to discharge her from the facility and transfer her to the long-term group home. She will be there, if she is not removed from the program due to her behavior, an expected 12 months but potentially up to 18 months. The peace and relief at knowing  what is happening next is extensive. While we have tried to be intentional about healing and moving forward over the past 13 weeks from "Hurricane Grace" we have kept an eye on the horizon for when it may return. Now that we have a more permanent timeline it allows us to plan more effectively.

I am quite the planner. In fact, Beautiful has introduced me to the idea of the Enneagram. At first I thought it was...not worth looking into. But she kept sending me little quotes here and there and got me interested. Then I took the test. Well, actually, I didn't even need to take the test as I knew from those quotes what "type" I was - and after I took the test found that I am lol! Being a type 1-5 is helping me understand more about why I interact with my kids (and spouse) the way that I do. It has helped me to appreciate our communication and perspective differences more - and helped me to be more patient with everyone in my family who is NOT like I am - except Buddy. He is a 5. That is probably why I have felt like he and I are the most alike lol!

Anyway, I have had off work from 12/25 to 1/5 and I am learning that my "5" is really coming out to play. And needed to. I have done practically nothing except retreat (I have literally left my house only to attend church-that is twice in the past 9 days). I am an introvert so this time with just the family has been incredibly refreshing. I used to dread the days home with the kids because there was so much chaos and....unpeacefulness. And while I will admit there were some spots this week where I had to be a "1" and get kids back in line, for the most part it has just been so peaceful. I. am. relaxed. I haven't felt this relaxed in years and years. As much as it is sad to me, the reality is it is because the hurricane is not rolling through the house. I am coming to terms with accepting that, and refusing to feel guilty about it.

This week I have read tons of books. All fiction. All happy outcomes. No angst or yuck (I get enough of real angst at work, I need a total retreat from reality). I have put together lots of puzzles. I even played the piano! I usually only play over the Christmas season and have enjoyed the relaxation it provides. I hope to do it more. It was just too chaotic and noisy to play much before... But also...I got my ENTIRE "to do" list done! Even making a website for work (yes, this technologically incapable person made an extremely simple website lol!) and all the year end paperwork. Then I retreated from all work and just let myself exist with the family. I even had two days where I wore my pjs all day:) Of course, I worked out for an hour upon waking, then showered and put on clean pjs. But, they were still pj days lol! We started a new Bible reading plan and devotional as a family. We are all competing with our fitbits on how many steps a day we can get in. I made a rule (hey, I am, after all, a "1" lol!) that if they don't get a certain number of steps a day they get no electronics the next day. I even tried out the new Dribble Up I got the kids to hone their basketball skills - let's just say that I wasn't good at sports as a kid...and I am not athletic now! With that said, I have worked myself up to running 4+ miles every morning (indoors) and I am determined to keep up with that even with my crazy busy work schedule. I am a sucker for competition - and every day my iwatch tells me that I have earned an award for "1 more day in a row of hitting my exercise goal" makes me never want to not reach that goal lol!

We have played board and card games. The kids have watched TV (am not a TV person. I am preparing to cancel our satellite TV in March after the Olympics. Superman is very anxious that we will miss out on NFL football. The problem is that we only get every 3-4 Vikings games a season anyway so why are we paying for it? If anyone has suggestions on how to subscribe to a channel to get the Vikings games without having to go through DirecTV I would appreciate it. We have Dish and clearly can't get the games on there...

While I have rested a lot, my husband has been amazing and done a lot. He spent almost 24 hours replacing our water softener (buying it, having to go buy more parts, installation, etc) which has not been working correctly for months. He also finally replaced the ceiling fans in the bathrooms that have not worked for, well, one of them for years. He appreciates that I am home and can take care of the kids while he can work and not have to stop to feed them or stop a fight:)  I appreciate that he does not complain about me resting (he has seen my crossed out "to do" list;) He even finished getting the garage cleaned out so we can park our new van in there lol!

Anyway. I am already getting anxious about going back to work. I felt so much guilt for taking a week off of work, now I don't want to go back lol! January will be a crazy busy month with the boys in basketball and me working a lot. Thankfully we should not have to be driving as much to see Grace during this transition month - I think just tomorrow and next Thursday. That will help:)

God has been so tangible this Christmas. Rather than us being run ragged with scheduling or chaos in the family, it has been a time of sweet rest. Thank you Jesus!!

Week 12: Christmas with Grace

Quite honestly, I am not sure how to think about Christmas. I will start with the great parts. Grace got to come home so we were all together after 3 months. That was very special. It was JR's first Christmas!! It was so funny to see his very mellow and laid back self just take in all of the chaos and not really bat an eye. Although, their family had 4 Christmas' in 6 days and 3 of those days were staying at the other grandparents house so he was clingy, clingy, clingy to his mama. But compared to any other "normal" kid? Still incredibly laid back:) Bella? Wow, she is a spitfire just like her mama was! Always moving and wondering and finding joy. There are few things in this world that really truly warm my heart, but seeing how our daughter parents her babies? How they respond shows they are so loved, doted on, and heard. They know they are safe. I don't get to see kids like that very often. Such a blessing!!

On to the harder side of the day...
The week before Grace came home we were preparing plans and hearts with realistic expectations. She came home and...it was hard. On Christmas Eve we enjoyed a trip to a neighboring town in our new to us that day van to look at Christmas lights. Having everyone together was good...but we all seemed to fall back into old patterns of interaction. Perhaps out of anxiety? Unknowns?

Christmas day we woke early and got to Julotta at 7 a.m. We then enjoyed talking with friends before coming home and having a special breakfast then opening gifts. Our Christmas dinner was delicious as usual. But there was a lot of tension. Grace really had a hard time with being at church and worrying how people were thinking about her. She kept saying she wished that no one knew why she was gone or where she was.

I had a migraine starting on Christmas Eve and by Christmas morning after gifts I was not in a good place so laid down. Thankfully I fell asleep quickly and when I woke 20 minutes later it was much better (and hasn't returned since then - I am so grateful!!).

In the afternoon she had an emotional meltdown that used to turn really ugly but she handled incredibly well. I am so proud of her for the skills she is learning and the tools she is choosing to use. I spent time with her and she used her words better than she ever has to describe her fears and anxieties and what set her off. Some of it was her wanting to come home now and not go to the group home, which we completely understand. And part of it was how she responds to me specifically.

That is what I have been mulling over for the past two days. I am not sure what my final thoughts are on that...

Anyway, my husband drove her back Christmas night. She had a good day Thursday, but a pretty bad day Friday. That was a good reminder to us that she really does need to go to the group home and is not ready to be home.

But how she did at home also was a blatant reminder that we still have a lot of healing to do here at home. We all have talked about what we think/feel about the visit and I think Buddy summed it up the best. Faith was extremely tense with Grace home. Her responses got JJ upset and worked up. All of their tension got me more tense than I already was. It was just a pretty...tense...visit.

But...she really was soooo much better than she was before.

So? What does that mean needs to happen next? With the family? I don't know. With the next 1+ weeks?

I don't know that either lol! I am on a much needed vacation (stay-cation) until January 6. That is 12 days without having to go to work (and my 2nd week of the year I have taken off). So, yesterday was my first day home (not counting Christmas day) and I made a long to-do list. Buddy informed me that I don't seem to know what vacation is because I kept working (gotta love being self employed lol!). I informed him that adulting means that there is always work to be done!!! I had 10 items that needed to be done Thursday and got 9 done (I put off writing the blog because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say). Then I told myself that I would just keep writing the to do list as things come to mind but would intentionally not work for a couple of days. So, even after I completed the 9 tasks Thursday including paperwork, getting insurance for our new van, and baking - I put together a 750 piece puzzle with some help from Faith and JJ. Friday I decided to do no work and started a 1000 piece puzzle. It is not even 25% done - this one might take me a few days lol!

Bottom line? I do not think I am made to do nothing:) I am still waking up between 6 and 7 to do my hour long work out. But then after I make a big breakfast I sit in the hot tub. Today we get to watch the grand kids for a few hours! I am excited about that:)

My pain levels topped out Sunday and have dropped significantly. I am now back to about where I was before - aware of it all of the time, forcing me to modify my actions/posture/etc but not stopping me from doing what I need to do. I can live with that:)

On a lighter note - the "big" gifts that we got the kids this year were fitbits. We are trying to promote healthier activity with them so are challenging them each to compete with each other for steps in a day. I got myself an iwatch a month ago that also tracks my steps, and even with my pretty sedentary job I always hit 10,000 steps a day so we thought we would get them fitbits and encourage them to have a little more understanding of how much they sit around. And I banned electronics from noon - 6 while home on vacation. Lets just say that legos and basketball are getting done more frequently now:)

Oh, and we got a Dribble Up basketball for the boys. It is really neat and I am glad it is as interesting as I hoped it would be. There is a daily basketball skill to learn ball handling and control better and charts their progress. It is pretty impressive and I hope it helps them develop the skills they need to play basketball they way they want to on the court.

Christmas day we all had a discussion during our meal of ways we saw Jesus in our lives this year. Most of our discussion was about how God moved all kinds of circumstances so that we could get help for Grace that she needs and how much we see Him working in her life. Even when situations are tense and not exactly how we would want them to be, it is still so evident that His fingerprints are all over our life.  So thankful for His Sovereignty, His Power, His Grace, His Forgiveness, and His Sacrifice!

Week 9 & 10: Firsts

A couple of weeks of sweet firsts:)

First time we got to take Grace out of the facility! We went out for lunch and her Christmas shopping for her siblings. It went well:)

First time Faith told me about a school event and asked me to participate in it with her!!!!!!!

First time Superman started in a basketball game - and he did amazing!!!!!! He had a play that was just amazing! Did I mention that he is, and played, amazing? :)

First basketball game for JJ. He played 3 games on Saturday in a tournament. They played against older kids so lost by a lot all 3 times, but he got out there in front of a crowd and seemed to know more or less what he was doing (for a first year basketball player. He sure knows more about it than I do lol!!).

First time that my emotions have been present for so many years. I cry pretty easily now - not in sadness or depression but just in feeling. It is so utterly unusual for me. I cried like crazy during a commercial during a football game last weekend. My family all looked at me like I was losing it as I was trying to describe what was going on. Uff da.

First time that Faith came to me at night saying she was afraid. It was clear that she was very afraid. I did 5 minutes of EMDR with her, she calmed down, hugged me (HUGGED ME!!!!), and she went to sleep. In the morning she said she slept well, and she thanked me again for helping her the previous night. I told her that I was so glad that she asked for help!

The first time that I had my Christmas cards out the first week of December!

First time that Faith had an angry time and bounced back from it without the grudge toward us lasting days or weeks. The same day she was back to normal. :)

The first time I got almost all of our Christmas shopping done by online Black Friday shopping lol! Boxes kept coming and coming all week and my husband keeps giving me grief. After all he is the "get up at 4 and Black Friday shop in person" guy lol! But, shopping is done. Yay!  AND the gifts are mostly fun gifts - not practical things like clothes like I usually do - Yay Yay!

First time I attended our church Christmas Tea. I hosted a table (Beautiful decorated it gorgeous!!), didn't spill hot tea on anyone, and had a good time! Faith came with me and swapped her tea with me because she didn't like what she chose;) I think that maybe we will experiment with some teas:)

It has been a good couple of weeks. We are thankful for the progress we are seeing in Grace and all of the kids. We are praying that Grace is accepted into the long term group home and that can sustain there. She needs time to make the skills she is learning into habit.

Thanks for your prayers for our family. God is good. Always. But right now there is a sweetness in the feeling of healing instead of the helplessness and hopelessness of waiting for it:)

Week 6: most things are moving in the right direction!

I contemplated not writing this week as it has been yet another "complicated" week. I need to keep myself accountable to this process even if I would rather only post about results.

A lot of this week went well. Friday we went to see Grace. We had an hour of family therapy, then an hour visit. We are moving forward with the plan to have Grace transition to the long term group home after she is discharged from the psych hospital. I refuse to consider that she will not be accepted. Please pray for that outcome. It would be the best outcome for all involved. She did have a bad Monday doing something there for the first time that she had only done at home before. Clearly, even after being there for 6 weeks, she is still having very concerning behaviors. With that said, she is showing that she is trying, and transitioning to the long term group home would give her a long time to cement those skills she is learning. 

On the home front we have had some ups and some big downs. JJ has had more nights he is sleeping through the night. Superman is doing better with his responsibilities. Buddy has decided on a direction to pursue regarding where to obtain his BS in Computer Science. Faith and I had some lovely times together. Saturday was absolutely precious with her. Then Sunday came... Uggg.   She is a very tough kid. After 11 years of living with her I can confidently say that I do not know her. So when something particularly bad happened Sunday we are left wondering how to proceed. I can't make sense of it, don't know what to do, and really would appreciate your prayers for wisdom, direction, and her heart change. We are considering putting in an application to the group home for her as well...

Other positives: I actually want to do things. I feel like I am mostly feeling like I did back before the realities of the last decade. Like the woman who got a bachelors and doctorate degree in 7 years. I sleep about 6 hours at night and can't sleep any longer (it doesn't help that I rarely get to bed before midnight. But when I do get in bed by 11 I wake up at 5 lol!) - the moment I wake my mind swirls with my "to do" list and I cannot fall back to sleep. That is an improvement over waking up being consumed with anxiety about our home returning to the tension it used to have. I have also realized that I do not dread leaving my room in the morning knowing what I would face. I am realizing that I used to sleep more in the morning just to avoid tough issues in my life/home. So now I am excited to get up and get things done. It is such freedom !!  I am working crazy busy hours on top of the home projects. I am doing so much more and find that I am not in what had become my "normal" of retreating or shielding myself from others by hiding away, reading a book, and being in constant pursuit of mental escape. My body isn't hurting like it was. I feel hope again. My mind feels clear and able to concentrate and remember things. I went in for my every 3 week massage today and she told me that I was in MUCH better shape than I was 3 weeks ago. Yay! AND my blood pressure 2 months ago was at an all time high. I had never had high blood pressure in my life! Now it is back down to my normal levels:) 

I know I need to slow down work though. My husband is needing me at home more. I am tired after my 13 and 15 hour days and not available to help him. Tuesday, for the first time in my life, I wished that I was a coffee drinker as I really needed some caffeine. AND when I got home from work and my husband had to tell me about what had happened that day I told him, for the first time, that I didn't care and don't even tell me. Every other day I really try to listen to how his day has gone and the crazy stuff he has to deal with...but that day it was not happening. 

Today was my day off. It started at 6 a.m. when JJ crawled into bed waking me up so I couldn't sleep anymore. So I got up and did my work out (that I try to do 5 mornings a week - it helps my pain levels). Then I tried to clean up the kitchen from what the kids did not do last night, showered, and went to my 9 a.m. massage. Then I saw 2 clients that I couldn't fit in the rest of the week, came home for 25 minutes. During that time I did some fast cleaning and rushed over to see Bella since it is her 2nd birthday today!!!! yay!!!! I took her some treats and was out the door in under 5 minutes. Then we rushed to the school where we had a fun meeting with the principal... After that we got home and I finished up 3 psych evals. I then got back in the car to go get the kids from school. I finished up more paperwork at the table while supervising the kids actually doing their homework, telling myself I was done doing things for the day. Then I remembered I had to scan some papers in and send them off. Then I saw the fleece fabric for Bella's birthday blanket and remembered I was supposed to have it done for her birthday party - tomorrow! I got two little blankets sewed up for her, got Faith started making grilled cheese for supper, and drove JJ to basketball practice. I came back and told my husband I was done for the night and was going to put my feet up and asked him to get JJ after practice (rifle season starts on Saturday. My husband is spending every spare moment trying to build shelves in the garage, after ripping out the cabinets, so he can actually make room to get the deer in the garage lol!). But did I actually put my feet up? of course not lol! Then I remembered that I really need to stay accountable and keep up with writing this. I can easily get lazy and stay task oriented without stopping to assess how I am doing because I am too focused on what I am doing. The last task I need to get done tonight is to write my grandmother a card. Her birthday was the 5th...sigh... I wanted to send her pictures with the card but didn't get them picked up until today. So...

Birthday card to Grandma. Then done. No more. Done for the night. maybe... 

A Week to Remember!

10 days and counting with no rages!!

TEN DAYS!!!

That has never happened.

The day Grace started the new medication was 10 days ago and she has been doing so well. I catch myself having the oddest thoughts. Like Monday night when I got home from work and knew she was just heading to bed. Bedtime has been a terror for everyone in the house. But when I pulled the car into the garage and was readying myself to go into the house I noticed something that I had not noticed for a very, very long time...I did not dread coming home. My body was relaxed, I was optimistic and not just gritting my teeth to get through it. It felt like I think everyone should feel when they come home - excited to see their family.

Last night when she had WAY over sugared herself eating all kinds of junk at school it would normally have been a time that the whole family went on lockdown just waiting for the explosion. Watching her jump over couches, her talking and behavior just too fast, etc. used to make us all figure out how to get her contained before the rage hit. But, when we told her it was not a good idea for her to go to Awana while she was so hyper (we had considered letting her have a try at it again) she asked why but did not rage at being told no. She went to bed on time and there was no drama at all!

In fact, she hasn't raged at being told no in 10 days. Normally, any kind of limits set by us are met with extreme behavior. No matter how ridiculous her request was or how carefully we try to set the limit.

All of us are trying to figure out the "new normal." We are all just watching and waiting. The thing is, that the tension in this house as we all walked on eggshells all of the time anticipating what the next trigger would be that would lead to chaos has been lessened. Significantly. Now we watch and wait...but it is almost to just reassure ourselves that she ISN'T going to rage. I would say that the tension level in the house has gone from a 10 to a 3.

Peace. In this house. Who knew?!?!?

If you suspect that a family member of yours possibly has bipolar-like behavior - get it checked out! Medication really makes a huge difference!!!

I have wondered since she was 2 if she has bipolar disorder. However, the ADHD stimulant medication helped during the day and the behavior was constant, not cyclical. So I dismissed the possibility. In researching DMDD since then, I have learned that one of the treatments is stimulants. That explains why she would be better during the day, but of course, because it is a stimulant, it can't be given 24/7 so we still had to deal with times the medications were not in her blood stream.

Saturday was probably the biggest test for me seeing if her behavior the previous 3 days was just a fluke (sometimes she would hold it together for several days if she didn't have any limits or boundaries placed on her). My husband had to take Superman to an all day basketball tournament. I had told the kids the night before to stay in bed as I had hoped to actually get some sleep. Between JJ's nightmares and my worries about the girls' behavior I hadn't been sleeping well. Also, it usually takes me some time alone on Saturday mornings to just get myself in the head space to even deal with the angry, chaotic, venomous, vile behavior that starts within minutes of my first interaction with her during the day. 

My husband came back into the bedroom at 7:30 to say goodbye. He looked like he was scared to say to me, "I am so sorry but all of the kids are awake, even JJ." I just sighed and said, "ok, I think it will be ok." I showered quick and got my head ready to deal with the girls. Whenever we shower we have to have the girls separated in their rooms with alarms on their doors or who knows what kind of trouble they will get into. I got them upstairs for breakfast.

No drama. I was shocked. I watched them eat their entire breakfast and Grace didn't yell at anyone for anything.

Then, Grace walked behind where Faith was sitting at the table. She bumped Faith in the head with her arm. Normally that would have been an explosion. Grace would have been screaming at Faith for purposely leaning back and running into Grace and it would have been a mess ending in Grace going to her room for a long time to calm down. I can't even remember the last Saturday when Grace made it the first hour of the day without being sent back to her room to calm down - leaving the rest of us angry and frustrated and out of sorts.

But...Grace just turned toward Faith and said "oh! Sorry!" and went to her chair.

I stood there. Jaw dropped. And cried.

Grace does not accept responsibility for hurting others (even accidentally) and she does not initiate an apology. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault.  I thought, "9 a.m. and no drama yet! Wow!"

I decided to play Christmas music since I had planned to be baking with the girls a good chunk of the day. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but in this house we haven't played music for years and years. Music means more noise. More chaos. More voices for Grace to just yell over the top of. More stimulation. So we don't play music. I thought I would see how it went and it was great!

After breakfast I thought I would test it a little further and allow the girls to go downstairs without supervision to do their chores while I was making Lefse. Faith was cleaning the bathroom and Grace and 2 loads of laundry to sort and fold (she is an excellent clothes folder - not so great with sorting, but she folds clothes great!). I heard a yell over the music and thought "here we go:( " I flipped the lefse and ran downstairs. I heard Faith laughing and Grace saying "its your turn." No screaming. No tattling. No blaming. No venom. I came around the corner and Faith said, "did you hear Grace?" I said that I did, expecting to now hear some tattling. But then they both laughed and said they were having a "singing competition" while they were doing their chores (both of them were actually making progress on their chores! Shocking in and of itself lol!) and that yell was Grace's song.

Huh.

So I went back to my lefse and they finished up their chores (and did well!) then sat down to occupy themselves. Grace did her latchhook for awhile then asked to paint. Normally there is no way, NO WAY I ever let Grace have paint. But I thought I would see how it went and - it went well!

After awhile Beautiful and her husband dropped off Bella for me to babysit  so they could finish Christmas shopping (2nd time I have gotten to babysit in 5 weeks!!). JJ had been playing his video game time during that time and he was told his time was up - also no drama. Bella slept another 2 hours while I finished Lefse. Then she woke and I let the kids take turns holding her while I worked with the other kids making Puppy Chow and Granola. It all went well.

I think I was tearing up every 15 minutes as I just stood there and contemplated how utterly different the day was going than every other Saturday in 11 years. I was considering what life could have been like if we had diagnosed her earlier. I was worried that it wouldn't last. I was wondering what her future will be like with the statistics that I know about this disorder. Then I forced myself to just exist in the present and enjoy the gift of today being trauma free.

We watched a movie together all cuddled up on the couch. (Silver Bells is a sweet Christmas movie about the Salvation Army). Grace did get a little frustrated that Bella fussed every time Grace held her, but handled it ok. Beautiful and her husband got back and we decided to order pizza, have a fire, and watch another Christmas movie.

I reminded the kids that today, with no drama every 90 seconds, I was able to actually get a ton done so there was time for fun. We rarely have down time together because I am constantly sending someone to their room for fighting, or telling them 100 times to get their chores done, or whatever chaos is happening at the moment.

But it was just...calm...

Sunday Superman and Faith had their school program and we actually let Grace come with us. Normally she would be left home with very specific instructions to Buddy on what she could and couldn't do and his eyes had to be on her constantly unless she was in her room, etc. But, we thought we would see if she could handle a high stimulation situation without getting over-stimulated...and it went well too! Monday she was given news she didn't want to hear and cried for 30 minutes, but she did not fly into a rage like she would have before. I just cannot believe the difference!!!!!

I wanted to be sure to blog about this. I don't want to forget this week. I don't want to forget this weekend and forget what a difference is happening right now. I don't want to forget the blessing that we are experiencing right now. Everyone is calmer. Everyone is happier. We haven't had any other emotional chaos on the home. We have had another major decision we have had to make that is changing our lives, but that is for another blog post...

We still have a long road ahead of us, but I am so thankful for a diagnoses and a treatment plan.

I am so thankful for hope:) God has been present with us throughout this journey and I am trusting His timing and sovereignty in this situation.

Nightmares and Migraines

Last night someone had asked me about my headaches and what I had done to help them. It occurred to me that I haven't had one in months. I used to get migraines frequently. I changed food, hydration, supplements, massages, chiropractic adjustments, and all kinds of things to stop the headaches. I also noticed that they were worse during allergy season. I don't get typical seasonal allergy symptoms at all, but the migraines were much more frequent. Tylenol didn't touch them, but if I took an Aleve Cold and Sinus it was gone in hours instead of days. Odd (what about me isn't odd?!?!) Anyway, I was doing pretty good for awhile but I have one starting this morning and am reminded what the biggest culprit for me is..

not enough sleep.

JJ was sleeping so good for about 6 weeks after we got the hot tub. He would get in it every evening and it was helping him with falling asleep and sleeping through the night almost every night. It think he only got up 3 times in 6 weeks. I had such refreshing sleep, no headaches, and loved it.

Of all of the sleep problems that we have dealt with with him, now it is nightmares. He used to just come into our bed, cling to me for safety, and fall right back asleep. However, now he is having nightmares many times a week, and at least once a week they are apparently so scary that he comes to our bed, sits up, and refuses to fall back to sleep. This morning it was 3:30. Thankfully I have learned that I can do the "dual attention stimulation" that is used for EMDR and can have him back to sleep within 30 minutes. If I don't he will literally stay up the rest of the night asking when it will be light out so he can get out of bed. Nightmares are such an enigma to treat. He used to beg me to pray every night that the nightmares would stay away, but now tells me not to because "it doesn't work." I am sad for him.

I thought maybe he was just claiming having a nightmare as an excuse to come to me at night, since I was really insisting that he choose to stay in his own bed all night. So when he would come in I would say "if you need me come and get me, you don't have to claim to have a nightmare to come and get me." But the way he comes in with his body shaking, clinging to me, and refusing to fall back asleep? I don't think he is faking it.

As my Dad always says, "if it isn't one thing, it is another!"

So, in other news. Grace has been great this week. She has not had a meltdown since Monday. That is the longest ever! She admits that she feels happy. She actually smiled yesterday before school and giggled once. I felt so much relief yesterday that there wasn't this horrible oppressive "yuck" of her behavior (or anticipating her behavior) that I did a bunch of cooking and made plans to do some fun Christmas cooking with the girls tomorrow while my husband takes Superman to an all day basketball tournament far away. Normally I would be dreading such an experience, but I am actually looking forward to it!

What a huge difference a week makes! I thank God for the psych nurse and for this medication. The medication does make Grace have a tummyache - but hopefully that will end soon. I am using peppermint on her stomach to help with that. When the psych nurses' LPN called me last week to verify the appointment I had said to her, "we are hoping for miracles!" She responded with, "we will pray for miracles!" I was encouraged by her comment to someone she had never talked to before. Then, yesterday I had to talk to her about insurance. I told her things were going well and how thankful that I was for them. She said, "we will keep praying and praying for Grace. You guys have been through a lot." What a sweet reminder that God has placed His people all around us to help us - even where least expected:)

I will have the kids alone all day tomorrow due to Superman's basketball tournament. I see that as a test of how it can go. Normally I dread those days and retreat into myself to shore up and prepare for chaos and venom. But I am hopeful that it may actually be an enjoyable day with some relationship building:)

It would be better if I was well rested for the experience... hopefully JJ doesn't have any nightmares tonight!

So Thankful for Our Hot tub!!

Yesterday was 4 weeks since our hot tub was installed and fully functional. I must say that I am pleased with the results. By far the best outcome so far is that JJ has slept through the night for 29 nights straight!

29 nights! That has never happened in his 7 years!

I know that when people can't sleep they say to drink warm milk or to take a hot bath. Well, we have made him get in the hot tub every night (and by extension I get to as well lol!) He is falling asleep faster and staying asleep in his own bed. The week before we got the hot tub running he had a night when he was up until 1 and one he was up until 3. Now he has been asleep most nights by 11ish. We also got him a fuzzy, soft electric blanket so that keeps him warm all night long. He used to kick off his blankets then crawl in our bed frozen, but I think the hot tub is calming his body enough to sleep and the electric blanket is helping him stay just warm enough to sleep through the night.

I just hope it continues! 

I will say, while I was hesitant to spend the money on a hot tub, a month of sleeping through the night, for the first time since before he came (because of my herniated disk pain before he came) has been worth the cost:)

My back pain also also been improved. I sit in it every day and have found that I am much less sore than usual. I was having a lot of increased pain before we got it, and it seems to be better. I have several times a day when I bend over to pick something up and have no pain. That is very rare for me and when it first was happening 3 weeks ago I would tear up because it was so wonderful to not have the constant chronic pain. I am happy that I am now getting used to being pretty much pain free - but will not take it for granted!  Yesterday I sewed a baby blanket requiring me to sit on the floor some (which I normally cannot do) and stood and chopped peppers to freeze from the garden. Both of those things would usually leave me pretty stiff the next morning. But here I am without any stiffness.

Loving it!

Another benefit has been the calming it gives to my sensory challenged kids. I learned years ago that when the kids are in their "completely out of control" state, that a hot bath is the only way I can get them to calm down. I don't know if it is the heat of the water, the tactile sensory stimulation, or what it is. But it has been very helpful with Grace. If I suggest a bath to her, she always says yes. When JJ is out of control he won't say yes. But we have had a couple of his intense tantrums in the past few days and once I got him to stop hurting me I asked him to get in the hot tub. He usually calms much faster, within minutes.

Brain research shows that there are 2 kinds of tantrums - one where the kid is mad and wanting their own way. Typical tantrum. But for kids with trauma or neurological "stuff," there is another type of tantrum where the kid's brain fires into "all alert" and goes into "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. We have one kid who goes into "freeze" mode. It is scary to watch it. A deer in the headlights experience where it is clear that no information is being processed other than FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.

When our kiddos who go into "fight" mode have their tantrums, it is also scary but mostly from the aspect of keeping us safe, then our property. It is hard to deal with the venom that comes out of their mouths during those times, but what is probably most difficult is the intense shame that happens once their brain calms. They then realize what they did and are worried about the rip to the relationship because of their behavior. If we treated them with harshness in that time frame, it adds to their shame core. But when we physically reconnect with hugs and snuggles and letting them know that we still love them, then relationship repairs much quicker.  Initially they push against us, wanting to push us away before we (in their minds) push them away. In their fear of rejection pushing against us gives them the control. We work through that and move forward. It is frustrating when it happens over, and over, and over...and over. But we also realize that they have little control over it. It is improving with time:)

Anyway, for some reason having them get into the hot tub calms them very quickly and we don't have near as many of the after effects.

I am not so naive as to believe that our hot tub has made sleeping and tantrums all better now. But it is a tool that is working for now, and for that I am thankful for the blessing that it is:)

Living with Chronic Back Pain

Irony: Getting a hot tub hoping that it will help ease the pain of chronic back pain, but hurting your back so badly while cleaning the area the tub will go that you are in constant pain.

I was diagnosed with a herniated disk in my lower back 7 years ago. A month before JJ came. I have come a long, long way since then. There have been years when I hardly have any pain. I have learned what I can and cannot do. I see the chiropractor regularly, do traction regularly, and see a massage therapist. I know there are a lot of things that I cannot do - like garden. But I do the canning so my husband doesn't mind the gardening. Mostly I can't lift or twist.

Last week, after 15 years of talking about it, we bought a hot tub. It is some kind of "circuit therapy" hot tub that has 5 different seats in it with different jets that I am supposed to spend a few minutes in each of the seats to get pain relief. We will see if it helps.

15 years ago when we were buying our house and remodeling it we built on a cement room. The roof of our addition is our deck that comes off of the main level of the house, and the addition is off the walk out from the basement. It was specifically built with over 8 foot commercial doors to be able to fit a hot tub through.

But then we weren't done having children like we thought, and had 4 more kids so the plan was put on hold;)

My back pain has been, for an unknown reason, getting worse again on and off since February. We decided on the hot tub. I went to clean the addition out thinking I was feeling pretty good that day.

Bad idea.

I haven't been in this much pain for a long time:(

I feel guilty that I can't be the mom who jumps on the trampoline, runs with, plays ball with, etc my kids. I have learned that I can't sit or stand for too long at a time. I have had to learn how to sit and how to stand so that I am not sore. Most of the time it isn't a big deal. If I am sore it is for a day or so. But today I am on day 5 and it is getting worse. I go in for traction tomorrow so am hopeful I will feel better by Monday. It usually isn't too bad since I can find a position sitting or standing that is pain free and just stay in it. But this time I can't find a pain free position. Just positions that don't hurt as much, for short periods of time. Sometimes I just sit and tear up because the pain is so bad. But, it could be worse.

I can still work. I am thankful I have a job that is not strenuous labor. I am thankful for an able bodied husband who is able to finish preparing the addition for the hot tub (we were working together that day, I was not doing it by myself. Although if he would have seen my lifting what I was lifting he would have stopped me right away... I tend to stubborn to the point of my own detriment.   I wonder where my children get it from????)

Anyway, I have children who are no longer toddlers like when I first herniated the disk. That is a huge help! I am no longer nursing an infant so can take pain meds if I have to (I try not to). I have access to a great chiropractor where I can receive traction and adjustments that help a lot.

I am really wishing the hot tub was here already and am really, really hoping that the hot tub helps. REALLY hoping.

Thankfully I can also still home school JJ while I am sitting still. It helps me to feel productive since I can't do much else lol! He just sweetly asked me to snuggle and watch a movie with him now that school is done for the day so I will take my ice pack, try to find a comfortable position, and take this pain-enforced down time to just "be" with my kiddos.

Gender Reveal: We are having a Grand daughter!

We are having a grand daughter!  Although, on my maternal side of the family that is not a surprise. This is the 5th generation of a first born daughters. We have a lot of females on that side of the family.

A lot.

In fact, we have so many more girls than boys that our family started a group called Ruth's Daughter's Daughters. Why? My great grandmother was named Ruth. She was a midwife who had...5 daughters. Of those 5 daughters only 1 had sons. In that entire generation of cousins there are only 3 boys. So, the women got together starting about 26ish years ago (man that makes me feel old) and started to have weekends together as an extended family (sorry male cousins). I was in the next generation so wasn't a part of those meetings. In my generation of cousins there are a few more boys in extended the family, but my grandmother and grandfather had 3 daughters, and they had 7 kids - 1 of whom is male (my brother). In my generation 4 of the 7 of us have had children, 3 of us had sons - but our first borns were daughters:) All of the 6 cousins in Beautiful's generation are younger than JJ is, so we will see if there are more boys born or not:) The age gaps in my generation are also interesting to think about - My cousins were all born between the time I was 8 and 18 so we didn't get to have the "close cousins" experiences others have. I supposed my grand kids will have the same experience too.

So, now Beautiful starts the 5th generation with...Ruth's Daughter's, Daughter's, Daughters', Daughter's Daughter:)

We threw a Gender Reveal Party for them last night. While parties are not my comfort zone, we were excited to put together a celebration for Beautiful and her husband. And, hey, the house got really clean lol!   JJ had a hard time with the house cleaning. I think he is already feeling pushed aside by the baby. He likes his structure, routine, and place in the world. We eventually got around it but he is already insistent this morning that I get all of his toys back out where they belong lol!

I am not sure how I was supposed to take it when the kids just kept walking through the house saying, "wow! this is really clean!" and "wow! the food all looked good!"

I will say that I discovered the secret of a successful party...delegation!  lol!  Considering my first big party was Beautiful's graduation, followed shortly thereafter by a wedding of very large proportions, this one's size was "just right" ;) I had help from an incredible chef for the salads (and beautiful flower arrangement), another friend came early and helped me set up (thankfully! along with the person who helped with the food), and another friend stepped in during cake serving time to assist.

I have concluded that I have amazing friends:)

I was feeling pretty good about it all until someone reminded me that we have another graduation party in 10 months....  :(  He hasn't decided if he wants a party or not. Maybe I can try the same tactic as I attempted with the wedding and suggest (instead of a destination wedding) a destination graduation (or just offer him cash to not put me through having to plan a party). Ok, I am getting a little punchy now. It must be post-party craziness. Any questions on why I do not drink? I am crazy enough without alcohol lol!

Anyway...today I forced myself to do my work out, feed the kids, and get "should have been done earlier in the week" paperwork completed. I am now going to sit.on.my.backside and do engage in my favorite hobby (reading) while attempting to keep the kids from pulling out each other's hair. My husband is recuperating from his post-party mind-fog by garage saleing with our daughter and husband. They have been at it for 5 hours now. They.are.crazy.

In re-reading this post I think that I seriously need to just stop typing. Now.

So, the highlights - we are having a granddaughter! 5th Generation first born daughter! The house is clean! I have great friends! I am a little discombobulated!

God is good:) We are blessed:) And I am excited to be a Grandma!

General Family Updates:)

We have had some good news around here. I like good news lol!

I talked with someone who helped me develop a plan for teaching JJ how to read. He is doing awesome! I am much more confident about how he is reading and he is making quick progress. In Speech he is also making quick progress. He remains the most stubborn child ever - but he wouldn't be him if he wasn't;) We have had him tested and desensitized to two more items since my last post. Last week was vegetable oils. I realized that the essential oils that I use on him were actually something he was sensitive to:(  Today he tested sensitive to artificial sweeteners - so that was natural sugars and artificial sweeteners that he is sensitive to - for a kid who likes candy (but not chocolate;) We will see how this desensitization process continues to progress. The first week his vomiting improved, but the second week there wasn't additional improvement;(

Faith - we have had huge struggles with her for about 18 months. We have tried all kinds of things but the beginning of this month we did an intervention that seems to have softened her heart. This month has been much, much better and I think it is genuine. It has been such a blessing - she is such a blessing:) Thank you to those who have, and continue to pray for her! Allergy season is upon us and with Faith always has a terrible time with them - with the asthma making everything worse. We have been doing the desensitization with her and this has, by FAR, been the best year for her. Buddy did the desensitization last spring and did well in the fall and is doing well this spring so far. I am hopeful that they will continue to do well as they are the 2 kids who are usually totally laid flat by allergies.

Grace - ah, Grace. She is so creative! Each of the Middles have a bathroom to clean once a week. I am NOT a decorator.  At all. However, my husband had bought some decorative something or another at a garage sale a couple of years ago and stuck it in the bathroom. I have noticed that every time that Grace cleans the bathroom she moves the decorative things around into a new arrangement. It would have never even occurred to me to do such a thing, but she is really talented at it! Maybe she will make a good window dresser someday when she is not busy making new hairdos!

Superman has been having a great time watching college basketball. He loves to watch sports. I have had to laugh at he and my husband. I have known my husband for 25 years. I grew up in a home where my dad did not watch sports, or hunt or fish. My husband does all of those things and I had to learn to adjust. Now I love to watch football and...my husband doesn't! But he sure has been glued to the tv watching the lead up to the Final Four with Superman lol! It just goes to show that people can change...even after 25 years;)

We babysat a 9 month old last week. Buddy was so good with our kids when they were babies but he hasn't been around one since. Last week I asked him to help me some when I had to be out of the room. It was very cute to watch him "watch" the baby by sitting on the floor and looking at the child...while the child just sat and stared back at him the whole time lol! Maybe it was the big hair;) Today  I asked him to help me with JJ's school while I made them lunch. He read him his Bible story using funny voices. I love getting to see the soft and sweet side of this 16 year old that he doesn't let many others see. He is intrigued by Asian culture and actually showed an interest in a flyer we got of a play called Shen Yun. He rarely shows interest in doing things in public settings so I got us tickets to go. He is excited to go...but not thrilled about the fact he has to wear a suit lol!

I have had a very productive time this past couple of months. My energy level is high. My motivation level is high. I have been very happy with my progress. I have been working out 7 days a week. After the work outs I have been "jogging" on a small trampoline (to minimize the stress to my knees and lower back) to finish out an hour+ of exercise. I have lost some weight. It has been good. However, over the course of the past couple of weeks my back has been more and more sore. Last week we had 2 days on bleachers at kids basketball games - always very bad for me:(  When I work I sit for 12 - 14 hours straight. I am getting more and more sore with sitting even though I make myself get up and walk briefly every hour. I have tried to be careful about the chairs I sit in (only hard backed) and I never cross my legs as that makes everything worse. But...apparently between all of the sitting and the working out I have stressed it again. So my pain levels are back to where they were 6 years ago. NOT as bad as 6 years ago yet, but I never want pain like that again so I am trying to back off of everything. I hate how the pain levels exacerbate everything so I feel like I am going through my day with the daily reality of the interactions of my family feeling to me like I am listening to fingernails on a chalkboard.  So I am quite irritable. I really feel for chronic pain patients. Just being totally real with you, the amount of energy I am expending in a day to just not respond in anger is significant. I am so thankful for an understanding husband who is taking point on the kids right now. Hopefully I can get an appointment with my chiropractor tomorrow (he is closed on Thursdays so I couldn't get in today) and after traction and an adjustment I will be better.

To make it even more fun just yesterday I started losing my voice. I think it is allergies. I normally don't get allergies but I know that this year is a extra bad year for them. No voice makes it hard for me to intervene with the kids when they can't hear me over their own...noise. So I am carrying a bell so they know to be quiet when they hear it so they can hear me lol! I slept until 9 this morning, took a nap this afternoon, and could head back to bed already for the night. Hopefully this sleep will help heal me up so I can get back to doing what I have to do for my family:)

My Day of Blessings

Last week I had a very bad week. Very. I wrote a blog post that I will never actually post because I was so negative. However, it helped me to sort through my thoughts so was actually very helpful! I couldn't even stand to be around myself - I felt sorry for my family lol! Today I am so glad that I am back to focusing on the blessings in my life (and that my family actually wants to be around me today!)

I woke up after getting over 6 hours of sleep!!! JJ has been sick for about 2 weeks now and not sleeping well (even worse than usual). He is coughing like crazy and has been back to not falling asleep until 11 or later. Right after daylight savings time we were getting him to sleep by 10 and I was so excited! But that didn't last long...  Anyway, after taking him to the doc yesterday and confirming he doesn't have pneumonia we just gave him the cough medicine with codeine to make.him.sleep. Praise the Lord it worked! So we all got better sleep (after midnight) and he is coughing much less today:) He also is starting out the night by announcing he want to sleep by himself in his own bed. It never lasts too long (and prolongs the amount of time it takes him to fall asleep by at least 30 minutes because he inevitably ends up back in our bed to fall asleep and then I carry him to his bed until he wakes and comes in again). But, the blessing is that he seems to be understanding that he is supposed to be alone in his bed lol!

I got to have a massage today! Again, praising God for massage therapists! I hope that one of my kids becomes a massage therapist...and lives close;)

Then I got a hair cut. I was brave and cut off my long hair to make it shorter than it has been in 6 years. About 10 years ago I had it cut short and was shocked that in pictures that I looked like my brother lol!!!!  I was wary but brave and got it cut. I think it will be much better now and the good news is that I don't think I look like my brother - not that he isn't a handsome man - I just shouldn't look like him:)

Buddy made lunch! I am so grateful for the blessing of his heart that is willing to help out in the family. He is a good son:)

I had to run to work for an hour, but am thankful that I don't work anymore until Monday (outside of the home). I have lots of insurance company calls to make tomorrow though:(

The last box of presents came from Amazon today and my husband and I took them to town to get silk screened for Christmas. I can't wait to show you guys what the surprise is! Beautiful and I have been scheming;)

That meant that my husband and I got to go out to supper ALONE! Granted it was a fast trip, but it was ALONE!!!  We got to make decisions about the surprise, and how we will handle Christmas day schedule, etc. It was good:)  We enjoy scheming to find time to sneak away alone - even if it is just a 20 minute walk. I am so thankful that I like my husband. I know far too many woman who avoid theirs:(

Buddy, when given the option of watching the 4 youngest kids while we ran to town and back, or ran to town, ate, and came back said that we needed get away and go out to eat. Again, Buddy is such an incredible son. We are so blessed by him! So we brought him back pizza. He never asks for money, just pizza lol! And video games. Can't forget that. Birthdays and Christmas are about video games;)

Finally, the kids have been very hard lately. Not pull my hair out hard, but juuuuuust below that. So yesterday I made up a VERY detailed list of expectations and timelines along with consequences and rewards for the Middles and today it was fully implemented. Do you know that they have had good attitudes so far all of the time I have actually seen them today? No one has told me that hate me, that I am wrong or to stop talking or how horrible their life is in this house! Which is like....1000 times better attitude than before?!?!? Even when one of the kids did something outrageously naughty and was sent to bed 30 minutes early there was NO SCREAMING!  Even after told that the consequences would apply!  So even if it only lasts today, praise the Lord we had ONE day of good attitudes and as-much-as-can-be-expected compliance:) And now that they have proven that they CAN do it...well...it is GAME ON!

There are other things that have been tough. We had to cancel our Christmas trip back home this weekend due to the big blizzard moving in there. I really wanted to see our families even though it was only going to be a quick overnight trip. Also, I have some unexplained medical/pain something or another that is getting worry some. Just when I am finally getting a handle on the headaches (more or less, last week was HORRENDOUS), now I have this new pain. But, such is the adventure of life. I can either keep my eyes on Jesus and focus on the blessings, or be overwhelmed and so angry I have to shut myself away (like last week). I am thankful for days like today that Jesus reminds me that He is here in the midst of the craziness and whether it is a good or bad situation He is sovereign.

Now if I can just keep reminding myself that I need to submit to that plan...;)

A New Resolution

After I successfully made it through a week without my husband and oldest son, reinforcing my already solid belief that I never ever want be a single mother (I threaten my husband often that he cannot die until they are all graduated lol!), I thought I would continue the challenge. Competition with my brother you know;) So after my brother and I discussed that I probably passed that week with a solid 50% rating of success I decided that I need to keep it up. Raise the bar a bit. Work toward that 60% rate of success.

Between that and my lower back/herniated disk/some other health issues, I decided that some things needed to change. Hence, my new Resolution. I am hoping to hit it with at least a 60% success rate. Time will tell.

1) I started a new exercise program. A program that is supposed to help strengthen my core muscles that support my lower back so that I experience less pain. Just walking on the treadmill 4-5 days a week wasn't doing that for me. I can safely say that after only 2 days of the intensive workout that 1 of 2 things are happening.

Either a) my lower back really is strengthening since I do not have any discernible pain there at all despite the typical constant presence of the pain and the additional working out or

b) The rest of my body is in so much pain that I can't discern any pain from my lower back. Quite honestly, I am thinking it is B. I cannot believe how much my body hurts.  JJ had me up for 90 minutes in the middle of the night due to nasty mosquitoes bites itching him AND I am in a lot of pain. So, I took a nap this afternoon. I slept very hard and when I woke I thought it was Saturday. All the way from my bedroom up the stairs (which took a while, because stairs are my nemesis right now...along with sitting...and walking...) I thought it was Saturday. When I finally got to the top of the stairs I almost cried with relief that it is only Friday and I have an extra day to heal before church:) Best.news.today!

2) Healthy clean eating. I am having a harder time with this than the exercising. I normally don't like a lot of junk, but when I now "can't" have it it makes the temptation all that much worse. But, I have committed to 3 months of it (that is how long the program is) so I will prevail. Also, I keep thinking about my husband having diabetes and I really am just eliminating the things that he already cannot have. If he has to do it, I can do it too:)

As a side note, we all know that my cooking is not always...appreciated. Tonight I made homemade mac and cheese for the kids (fruit protein shake for me...yay!). I had given up on making homemade mac and cheese when the now teenagers discovered the boxed stuff when the middles were toddlers and then preferred that. I refuse to make the boxed stuff. But...today I made it homemade for them and...they ALL had second helpings!  EVEN BUDDY!!!!!  Buddy is my harshest food critic by far. He cooks for himself and I consider it a HUGE success if he eats what I make. So now I can add homemade mac and cheese to homemade pizza, fried eggs, pancakes, waffles, and spaghetti;) Of course he will eat my husband's grilled or fried chicken or steak or burgers - but I don't make those;)

Another side note, JJ must be in a massive growth spurt. He has eaten constantly for 2 days. He has eaten seconds of everything today AND eaten far more frequently than usual. Even HE loved my mac and cheese!!! We will have to measure him again soon:)

3) Family prayers. This tends to get to the back burner. We made a new system and tried it out today. I am hopeful it will work better to get everyone involved. We also started a new devotional method so I hope that will be successful as well.

4) Bible Reading. I have read through the Bible multiple times, and this year I am attempting to get it done in 1 year. I found an accountability partner in January who has been very helpful but always realistic and gracious when I am not on schedule. I do not like that I am behind so I have also resolved to get back on track with the reading schedule.

5) Chores. Since school got out we have been working on expanding the chore list for the Middles. It helps my husband's and my stress levels when we are not the only ones cleaning up after others, etc. When my husband was gone I decided to teach the Middles to clean their bathrooms. I have added doing their own laundry (except Grace...), and other household duties. The girls are being taught how to load and unload the dishwasher, and wash dishes. I am also keeping them by my side when I cook and trying to talk my way through it to teach them the why's and how's. Many of you probably have done that with your kiddos for a long time already. I did with Beautiful and Buddy. But, when we ended up with 3 toddlers at the same time, keeping them in the kitchen with me was not happening. At all. So now I am working to get the kids more involved in the kitchen and being more responsible in that way. I have to cater to their own giftedness (and attitudes) but it has been in place about a month (at least the additions to their previous chore lists) and it has been going ok. Grace likes to ask "why" a lot (e.g. why do we have to do this? what is the point? and "this is boring") which is really just putting voice to the thoughts I can see in the other's faces/body language, but they are coming around.

Things have been going better since school got out (since the Colorado trip and starting EMDR with them around that time). Attitudes and behaviors are less frequent or less difficult to correct. As a whole this has been the calmest our house has been in 10 years since the adoptions began. There is no way I will say it is "calm." But it is the calmest. Therefore, I felt it was the best time to get out of "survival mode" and start herding the family toward some more "life skills training." I hate life stuck in the mindset of "I just have to survive long enough to get to bed again and sleep." I like not cringing when a child walks in the room because it is accompanying a "she said/she said" complaint.

Oh, I forgot to mention that now any time a child comes with a "she said/she said" complaint that they are sat down at the kitchen table and only allowed to speak about themselves and their own sin/role in the conflict. They are not allowed to say a word about what the other person did (unless we ask for the purpose of clarification). They are not allowed to get up until they have both admitted to their roles in the conflict. They then must write down 5 things they like about the sibling. It is significantly cut down on the tattling and I wish I had thought of it a long time ago lol! They are still plenty naughty, but reducing the verbal barrage of hate has helped...it seems.

In a month Grace will head off to Public School and Superman and Faith will head off to the local Christian School. We are excited for this new change in our family. Next I need to get to work on the curriculum for our 2 remaining home schoolers...Buddy and JJ. A Junior and a Kindergartner. It is a good thing that Buddy is self-teaching:)

So, now that I have laid this out here I am accountable publicly as well. I hope that I hit that 60% success rate...We shall know in 3 months which is how long I am resolved to this new plan to give it a chance to become habit and work out the kinks;)

A Fun Family Supper

Tonight's supper is a testimony to how relaxed things have gotten in our family lately - they all ganged up on me lol! It was so fun to laugh around the table and not have fighting. It was what I imagine that other families get to enjoy most of their meal times.

We had a bit of serious discussion at lunch when my husband and I praised the girls for their very noticeable changes in behavior lately and how pleasant that has been. We spent time as a family trying to dissect why things have been less tense and more relaxed lately - and why the girls have been more behaved so that we can keep it happening lol! I don't know if that is what made everyone more relaxed for supper or not but we had a lot of laughs.

First, Grace asked me to help her understand what I do for work. I tried to explain that I help people make decisions. Superman responded, "it sounds like you boss people around." They thought that was very funny since that is what they see me do at home;) Superman is the peacemaker in our family and will always joke and clown around to get a laugh.

Then I tried to explain more about what I do like helping people not feel sad or anxious, or to help them get along, or to help parents and kids by helping the parents with ideas on how to discipline their kids so their kids can grow up making better choices. Superman again piped up with, "I bet you tell them how to rule with an iron fist!" We are a sarcastic humor family and it was actually such balm to my heart to have Superman speak his mind to joke with me like that and know I would laugh. He was being funny, not trying to be mean.

Then I got a song line stuck in my head and sang it with a little dance as I was putting away the food. Buddy told me to stop dancing as he was laughing hysterically at me. My husband stopped him and said, "hey! no! You don't want Mom to stop singing and dancing! When you see her dancing she is in a good mood! That is the time to say, "Hey Dad and I are heading up to Canada to go fishing!'" lol!

We then tackled Buddy to the ground and put a "man bun" in his hair. AND took pictures lol! He was good natured about it- so much so that I actually got a picture of him...are you ready??? SMILING!!!!. Beautiful was over for supper and we had fun with it:)

It is so rare that we have this kind of fun time that I actually had to post about it. Tensions are easing a little here. It is a good reminder to me that things can be different and to hold onto these light moments and try to make them more frequent:)

Laughter is good medicine:)

A Fun Day:)

I usually post about heavier things, so I thought I would share a post about how our family does, at times, actually have some fun;)

This has been a very busy work week for me - working every day when I normally have Thursday and Friday off (although my husband often reminds me that I do go in for an hour or 2 on those days and rarely do I actually have them off). This week was a lot more than that and we (especially my husband) needed some down time.

Today I got to present a 2 hour training on Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI). I love "teaching" and I am so passionate about that material (just as passionate as I am about EMDR!). I was so excited that they asked me to come and talk about it:)

While I was doing that my husband took Superman, Faith, and JJ fishing in the town where I was presenting. I reminded my husband it was not a "hard-core" fishing day...just enough for the kids to make some memories. My husband's idea of fishing is waking up when it is still pitch black and leaving for the water (which is harder to find in this state than in MN where we grew up;) and not returning until dark lol!  Today was low key:)

Anyway, they picked me up when I was done and we went to Applebees for lunch. We used a gift card that I had gotten for a presentation I done on the same material a year ago (we clearly do not go out to eat very often lol!). It was a good meal. Some highlights of the meal included JJ asking for both grilled chicken and a corn dog. While he was considering those he saw a picture of a steak. So...he got the kids' steak. He ended up eating 1/2 of that and most of Faith's shrimp. Then he thought the lemons on my plate were oranges...his face was hilarious when he figured out that was not the case lol! He then insisted that we buy him shrimp and oranges to take home for him to eat. Superman really likes to eat burgers so we got him a quesadilla burger. He was shocked at the size of it and said it was the first time he has eaten out at a restaurant and actually got completely full:)  Faith loved the mozzarella sticks (a girl after my own heart) and her chicken and shrimp meal. Jonathan loudly announcing his need to...use the restroom...left us all laughing as well.

Grace was not with us because...she is in the Team Mates program and got to attend the Spring Game today! She was so excited to go and had a great time. We are so thankful for that program for her to get the extra connection time with her Teammate who is, by the way, the most perfect fit for Grace:) Grace is now insisting that the rest of us need to actually attend a game too (although  my husband and Buddy have attended a Spring Game too) so I suppose we will actually have to experience a game at some point (after living in this state for 18 years now;).

We came home and the kids spent the afternoon and evening playing outside. JJ INSISTED that I jump on the trampoline with him. He seems to think I am some 20-something mother. I was sitting on the trampoline catching my breath from laughing so hard at his silliness (ok...and from jumping so long) when he looked down on my head seeing my "roots" growing out and said, "Mom, why is your hair turning white?" I answered, "because I am getting old."  He was so sweet when he replied, "Mom! You are not old!" So we jumped, I played catch with the 3 of them while Grace enjoyed her calming lavender bath, and JJ had a ton of fun running through the neighbor's sprinkler while fully clothed;)

Beautiful and her husband were heading back to our place tonight but she REALLY wanted to see the Jungle Book movie so asked if we would come too. Buddy was at work all day and I thought it was too much for the kids...so my husband drove down to eat supper and see the movie with them. It is just so incredibly sweet to me that my husband does those fun things with her (and that SHE wants us to be such a constant part of their life even post-marriage), and the other kids. So many dads do not. I am infinitely thankful for my husband - and God's wisdom when He put us together. Looking back 24 years ago we were a terrible match - but God has worked in both of us and made us compliment each other well. He knew what He was doing;)

So, just a fun post about a fun day to let you know (and remind me) that we are able to have fun times as a family and it isn't ALL drama (just 80% of it;).

Thankful

I am thankful for a merciful Savior who loves me and seeks me even when I am stubborn and sinful.

I am thankful for a husband who resonates with me, shares my values and hopes, adores me, and is very, very, (VERRRRRY) patient with me.

I am thankful for my years of being a child of divorced parents teaching me that holidays are not about what day they are celebrated on, but rather about being together whatever day we celebrate. This first Thanksgiving with Beautiful married she is not with us for our family meal. But, she will be with us the rest of the weekend and is SOOOO excited to be engaging in the tradition of Black Friday shopping with her father (starting this evening). I am glad that they get to have those traditions together. I am equally glad that I am NOT a part of that tradition lol!

I am thankful that despite living in another state from all of our family, I got to see my brother a couple of days ago when he traveled through to go skiing. There is just something about a sibling, even if you are not on the same page all of the time, who "gets you" in a way that is different from others.  Well, at least my brother is that way. Of course my oldest son could be his son they are so similar - it is very odd to be raising a child who reminds me constantly of my brother while growing up. I guess I am thankful for those insights so I can better understand my son;)

I am thankful that my mother in law is in the presence of Jesus this year and no longer in pain.

I am thankful for wanting to participate in the cooking and Thanksgiving this year. I have spent the past several years just letting my husband do the cooking (he prefers that...and the kids prefer his cooking;) but this year I wanted to do my part so I made the rolls, dessert (that was very, very enjoyed), veggies, and....

I am thankful for the tradition in our family of making Lefse!  Every year when we make it I am reminded of my grandmother. Even though we cannot be together for the holidays I warms my heart to know that I am carrying forward into our family one of her beloved traditions.

I am thankful for Superman and the joy that he brings to this family. Watching he and Buddy play the Wii is always a riot and they are having a blast today!

I am thankful that a fuse got blown due to the dehydrator ('tis the season for venison jerky you know!) which necessitated moving our large assortment of games and puzzles and got us excited to play some. I am thankful for playing lots of games with the girls - and I am trying to be thankful for the opportunity it affords me to learn patience;)

I am thankful for a full house, even though it is only our family. I suspect one year it will be very lonely and quiet once all of the kiddos are gone.

I am thankful for our comfortable home. It is very modest, not fancy, not well decorated, and very...ummmm...lived in. But it is comfortable and far and away better than what my husband grew up with. That makes it an extra blessing for us that God has brought us to this place.  We talked over our lunch about being thankful for enough food, a warm home, enough room to sit around the table together, warm and clean water, and the many "toys" that we have to play with. We appreciate our home greatly. Yesterday when we were praying as a family about what to do about schooling Buddy reminded us that our home is to be a place of serenity and "home is where the heart is." We are thankful to be on a new mission of making our home a place with less conflict.



I am thankful that when we seek God he meets us where we are at. He makes things clear to us. He gives us the strength to do what we are to do. In needing to make the difficult decision about what to do about educating 2 of our kiddos we sought a lot of advice. Of course we got advice that was very widely varied. It seemed that the advice received was consistent with the advice givers worldview and personal experiences (of course). Thus, we decided to hunker down and pray through it to find out what God wanted for our family, ask you all to pray, and spend time making pros and cons lists. With that all done we have made the decision to continue to home school Superman and Faith. That decision means that a lot of other decisions need to be made and changes need to take place to make it more successful than in the past. I won't go into all of our process as no one will care about that, but as a family we have peace about it.  I would even go so far that we are excited about the changes we will be making.

Praise the Lord for His direction, His faithfulness, and His wisdom!

How we have been doing since my mother in law's passing.

I realized that I haven't posted about how we have been doing since my mother in law passed away on 7/15.

She had been sick since May and pretty much continuously in the hospital.  She was put on hospice on 7/8/2015 back at the nursing home where she had lived for 5 years.  She passed away the evening of 7/15/2015.  My mother in law had been very decided that she did not want a funeral, but did allow a Memorial Service.  She wanted to be cremated.  Our Senior Pastor came the night she passed away and spent some time with us (just my husband and I - it was after the kids went to bed) praying, remembering, and singing.  My husband had sat with his mother most of the day (I had been there in the morning with him) and he had left for a short time when she passed.  He had sung How Great Thou Art to her.  While she had been pretty much unresponsive for days he felt that she had heard him singing to her and tried to respond.  He had struggled that whole week with wondering if he should be there when she passed or not, and thus not sure if he should ever leave her side.  In hind sight he is glad that the decision was taken from him as he had put off all day the errand he had to run and finally left at 8:30 to get it done - and she passed away shortly after.

The nurses and staff were wonderful and spent time talking with us about how she was.  She was a loved and appreciated resident as she was usually very patient and non-demanding.   I sure hope that I can be that way...but I feel that I very much fall short of those descriptions!  My husband handled it all very well.

He did such a great job of caring for her over the past 6 years since she moved down here to be near us.  He took care of all of her medical appointments, went with her to most of her medical appointments, advocated for her often, took care of her financial needs, paperwork, etc.  He visited her as often as a father of 6 kids still at home could visit her.  He was an exceptional son to her.

We marveled at the perfect timing of her passing.  We are so busy all of the time and God took her at a time that, when we look back, we smile and remember that He has perfect timing.  He didn't have her die on M or T when I worked long days and my husband was at home watching the kids most of the time (he did go the 6 blocks to see her several times, but had to be home with kids too).  I had offered to stay home those days but he reminded me, "we have a wedding to pay for!!"  Thursday we had to leave for our daughter's college and to move her in to her house.  Wednesday he spent essentially the entire day with his mother, and she passed away just before 9 p.m.  God is good:)

The kids went to camp the following week so we held the Memorial Service 14 days after she passed away. My husband really went back and forth if he was going to do it at all and decided to go forward with it.  Our Associate Pastor did a beautiful job.  It was very emotional and I was thankful for our friends who came around our kids offering support and physical comfort during the service while I tried to comfort my husband.  We were so touched by those who came that day to support my husband.  It was very touching and we won't forget those who have loved us during this time (even though we have yet to send out any thank you cards:(

The day after that we drove 8 hours to her home town (stopping through at our daughter's house to move more items in).  My husband got to spend the evening with his dearest cousin that he grew up with and was like a brother to.  I kept the kids occupied in the pool.  Friday morning (after practically no sleep due to Grace and JJ) her graveside service was at 11 and my husband did the talking.  He was very nervous as talking in front of people usually results in my husband become extremely emotional and unable to talk.  Faith vomited 40 minutes before the service and I thought "what else can possibly happen?!?!?"  Thankfully she did not get sick again and no one else got sick for the drive home!

We got to the service on time.   My husband enjoyed catching up with his family members, many of whom I have never met since we do not have much contact with either side of his family.  I am not sure how many showed up but I think it was around 50 of us standing  around the grave site.  Perhaps a few more.

JJ had enjoyed getting his own water before the service and I had warned him that he would have to go potty if he kept doing that.  He argued with me and kept drinking.  So...5 minutes before the service, in the middle of a large cemetery, he announces he has to go potty.  One of my mother in law's 7 siblings overheard him and laughed - telling me to take him behind a shed a ways away.  We ended up "behind the shed"...twice;)

My husband got the service started and the girls were emotional.  My husband got emotional.  I went to stand behind him rubbing his back and praying for him, and Beautiful took over comforting the girls.  I didn't know how his family would respond to my standing there with my husband, but when I whispered to my husband if he wanted me to leave he whispered back, "stay, it is working."  So, I stayed:)

He did a precious job and honored his mother well.  There had been rumors of a family member showing up that was not welcome, and we were so very thankful that he did not show up.  Thus, it was a sweet time of my husband's family remembering my mother in law and them expressing their appreciation for my husband for all he did for her. It was a healing time.

Afterwards we went to a restaurant to eat.  Then I took the kids to a park to burn energy while my husband kept visiting with his family.  We ran some 'races' and had fun until he came.  We drove home and got back before midnight.  Unfortunately the last 90 minutes in the van involved Grace screaming vile things and refusing to calm down...but at least it was the very end of the trip.  She was way to over stimulated and out of control.  She was feeling what the rest of us were feeling - exhausted, frustrated with 16 hours in the van in 2 days, and emotional about her grandma.

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Since then we have been doing pretty well.  There are times when I wake up and mentally assess what the day will look like.  I will think, "I need to do keep the kids occupied with ___________ so that my husband has time to go see his mom."  Then I remember that that won't be happening.  I had not realized just how much time he spent going out there, or how much of our mental energy was spent thinking about her, how to take care of her "business," etc.  It has just been reality for the past 6 years.  It is an odd weight that we did not mind bearing, but did not realize how heavy the weight was.  She was never a burden, but the realities of caring for her were significant.

My husband often thinks of her, of course.  We took Buddy to a movie one night and after we left he said, "I was just thinking that I was excited to go tell Mom about the movie...then I remembered."

He is busy taking care of her final paperwork issues.  He always took care of all of those things for her.  I was not part of any of it.  I appreciated that he took all of that on his shoulders.

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Probably the most significant change has been with my husband.  Rather than him being consumed with grief for her, he really believes that she is now in a better place.  While he misses her, he genuinely believes she is no longer in pain and is with her Savior, and that brings him much peace and comfort.

His eyes sparkle again.  I had forgotten that.  There is actual joy and humor in them and not just weariness.  It is obvious that he is not feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders as much.  Even with us marrying off our oldest daughter 8 days after burying his mother and the reality of the stress of the rest of our stressful life he is less stressed than he has been for...years...many years.  I know that most of that is due to the faithful prayers of our church and friends.  There is absolutely no way that we could have survived this summer, much less thrived, without the prayer support of so many people.

There is no greater testimony of how much stress has affected him than with his glucose numbers.  He was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes on 12/12/12.  We have spent thousands of dollars on 3 different holistic programs to keep him from going on insulin - focusing on diet, exercise, and supplements.  Within a week of his mother passing his glucose numbers were in the normal range 75% of the time.  Without supplements. He even went to "testing" it a bit by having some wedding cake here or there or another sugary treat and there has been no increase in his numbers.  The other 25% of the time the numbers are still lower than what his low numbers were before.  He is feeling better.  It is good:)  He is doing well!

That is NOT to say that there isn't a fair amount of stress in our lives.  Yesterday I was 9 hours into a long day of work and called to quick touch base with my husband.  I asked how things were going and he responded in a very weary and exasperated voice, "do you want me to tell you the truth or lie?"  I said, "well, since I still have over 4 hours left of work...lie."  :)  When I did get home at 9:30 he had the Middles in bed and was making Grace's school lunch in the kitchen while listening to "Oh Glorious Day" on his ipod.  He gave me one of the ear buds and we just slow danced in the kitchen while soaking in the words to that song.  Life is still plenty stressful, but we also take advantage of moments like that to keep us focused on God, be attentive and appreciative of the hard roles each of us have in this family, and treasuring the moments of comfort we can get from each other as time allows:)

My Current Crazy Life

Uggg, so much!

My mother in law is in the hospital again.  She was in for 5 days with pneumonia, then got out for 3 days, and is back in with a blocked/kinked small intestine.  She is in a hospital 90 minutes away this time.  Due to the diabetes, dementia, and sun downers her treatment is very complicated.  She is non-compliant.  She is delusional.  It is sad.  My husband wants to be there with her, but she doesn't know who he is (thinks he is her husband) and that is making her very agitated and it does not help. It is hard to know how to proceed.  We are just agreeing to what the specialists say at this point.  Her veins keep collapsing so they are putting in a picc line right now.  Hopefully she will not pull that tube out too...

So, in addition to that craziness, I had agreed 2 months ago to be the camp Psychologist for Royal Family Kids Camp this week.  That means that my husband won't get the support from me that he needs this week, and I won't be home to help with kids like he is used to W - F.  We got last minute approval that 2 of our kids get to go to Royal Family Kids Camp, a HUGE blessing, and that should help his stress level.

I am stressed about camp.  My idea of being outside is to go hiking for a short period of time, or opening the windows of the house lol!  I am also known, as I have told you before, as the "fun sucker."  So "camp"  well, the idea of it just stretches me beyond any area of comfort.  But, I am excited to teach the counselors/staff about TBRI and how to work with these kiddos differently so I am doing it.

Grace did tolerable for 3 weeks!  And the past 4 days she is dysregulating again.  I am SOOO glad she is going to camp this week...  Even before she was 2 we noticed the cyclical nature of her dysregulation.  I have not found her symptoms to be consistent with bipolar disorder, but we are about ready to try anything...  It is extremely hard to live with her.  I feel terrible for the trauma the other kids go through.  Beautiful is ready to be away from it (in all honesty, we all are).  Very ready.  That breaks my heart.

Right now she is screaming at me such vile and venomous things as she has been put in her bedroom until she calms.  She argues about EVERYTHING.  She threatens.  She is exasperating and exhausting.  We really need prayer for her to be healed and for us to be able to endure her/enjoy her.  There are no words to explain how difficult things are with her.  She can be so precious, and in public she never displays the full extent of her venom.  But then...

JJ is doing AWESOME!  He loved music therapy last week!  He clung to me and did engage as long as I was right there.  He actually yelled out his name right away when they were doing introductions!!!!  He is doing so much better with talking.  In fact, we have had to laugh several times in the past 2 weeks as we have, for the first time, wished that he DIDN'T talk lol!

My husband and I took Beautiful (and JJ) to her wedding dress fitting and then to Red Lobster for lunch.  JJ loudly announced his need to use the restroom (not in those nice words) and has done so several times in other public venues (like church).  We try to keep our mortification to a minimum and just be pleased he is speaking his mind, but sheeesh!  Aside from that we had such a precious and sweet time with Beautiful.  61 more days and she will be married and gone.  I try not to think about it...

There was a car accident next to our house this week and I was getting everyone ready to go to the pool.  JJ went outside and went right up to the police office and talked to him (while the guy was trying to do the police report...).  We have never  taught him to beware of strangers as he is scared of everyone, so when I talked with him afterwards about that he just kept asking "why" he shouldn't go up to strangers and talk to them.  He has been priding himself on waving at everyone on our walks and says every time, "Mom!  I waved at someone!"  It was hard to figure out how to tell a kid who has been terrified of strangers, to be afraid of strangers now that he is getting more bold.  I am still not really sure how to address it that won't put him back into his shell.

JJ loves to move his body to music and get really wild.  Last night we went to a dance and he danced for hours.  It was so fun to see him be that free with strangers!!

He is also getting amazing with articulation and word retrieval!  I am shocked with the words that he is able to retrieve.  For example, twice in the past week I asked him what a bunch of colors were...and he retrieved the words spontaneously and correctly!  Praise God!

With this new found vocabulary explosion (again, he had it receptively, now it is expressive) is also some serious independence asserting itself.  He sees Grace rebel against us 24/7 with words and actions and he emulates her.  He spews the same words at us.  He is too smart and thinks up things to push limits, some of which Grace never even thought of.  Sigh...

For example, as I was typing this Faith came running in and told me that JJ was stuck up in a tree.  I went to him and asked him why he was in the tree, he said he was chasing a snake and got stuck and was scared (impressive word usage!).  But, when I firmly reminded him that it was good he was scared as he was not to climb a tree as he could fall down and get hurt he said, "why Grace climb it?!?!"  I reminded him, again, that Grace is also not supposed to climb the tree.  He doesn't understand why he isn't allowed to do what he sees his 5 siblings do, whether their behavior is due to them being older...or due to their rebellion.

Wedding announcements went out!  That really makes it real...  The guest list was my most stressful part of this process (thus far).  We have so many people on the list that our church will not hold them all.  It was hard to figure that part out hoping not to offend people.  But, it is figured out to the best that we could and we will just trust God with the rest:)

Well, I am off to try to enjoy my last night of rest before the next 5 days of chaos.  I look around and think I should get the bathrooms cleaned, the laundry put away, etc before I am gone.  But then I think...naaaaa.... I will just hunker down with the kiddos and my husband instead;)