When "yes" is Bittersweet

Friday, after 6 weeks of waiting, we were told "yes." I do not know if I have ever had a "yes" be so bittersweet.

I am not really even sure what my thought process is and I am struggling to slow down my thoughts and rein in my emotions enough to even know how to answer the questions "how are you doing" and "how can we help" when we are asked.

Grace has been accepted to the residential program that we applied to 6 weeks ago. She leaves tomorrow. Tomorrow.

On the one hand I am so hopeful that she may finally get the help that she needs after we have exhausted every other option available and known to us. On the other hand I am so broken hearted that she will not be here with us for, most likely, quite a while.

On the one hand I am so frustrated that it took 6 weeks to get the approval. On the other hand I know I needed the 6 weeks to really know that she needed to get this level of treatment or I may have backed out - to Grace's and our family's detriment.

On the one hand I am emotional and sad that she has to leave for a time to get help. On the other hand I am, quite honestly, so angry that she has to leave for a time to get help. Why couldn't she get better while saying with us?

On the one hand she sobs in my arms upset that she has to go. On the other hand she will not stop doing the things she does and now has left us no choice - despite being told for the past 2 years that this was the path she was on.

On the one hand I have so very many thoughts and emotions that need to be sorted. On the other hand I just can't...

Ironically I have thought of when JJ was born. It was such an incredibly exciting time for us to adopt him. I loved getting to know his birth mom briefly in the hospital and to get to take pictures of them together for him to have. I remember being confused why she wouldn't smile for the pictures with him - shouldn't she want to have smiling pictures for him? After we got home though I realized what a short-sighted fool I was. Yes, it was a joyous day for us. But it was a very bittersweet time for her. She was giving her son the hope for a future knowing she couldn't do it herself. But that meant that she couldn't do it with him. A choice that required her to trust God and us to provide everything that he needed without any direction from her. Exactly what we are facing right now.

I am also wondering if the day we had to hand Superman and Faith's little sister back to HHS after we were told we couldn't adopt her since closer biological family was found (to date the worst day of my life) will rank easier or harder than walking out of that facility with out Grace on tomorrow.

Just because someone is making the right and necessary decision does not mean that it is a joy filled or easy one.

Thank you for walking this journey with us. Thank you for caring enough to check the update on how this process is going. Thank you for not judging us.

Please pray for Grace. Pray for them to get to the heart of the real issue and have the wisdom and finesse to address it effectively. Pray that she does not feel abandoned by us for making this decision. Please pray for her safety. She is so naive and immature we are all so worried that she will be taken advantage of by others.

Also pray for the rest of our family as we transition. It is hard on all of us. Last night as Grace hugged her big sister and niece and nephew goodbye we are all wondering when they will see her again. Will she get to come home for Bella's birthday? For holidays? We will have to drive there often as the programming requires us as parents to be involved. We are thankful for that but it is a huge time commitment. That takes us away from the other kids too. Throughout the course of this process my husband and I have been on the same page of what needs to happen...but we have also been the most emotionally disconnected that we have been since our first decade of marriage. This situation is taking its toll on us and we need to find time and ways to reconnect. All of us need to find ways to reconnect and find a new normal that is healthy and peaceful. The other kids are acting up as Wednesday approaches. All of our emotions are all over the place and we need to settle.

I guess to sum it up - this is not easy. We finally got the help we have been asking for, but that does not mean that the journey is now smooth and joyous. I am working hard to reframe this situation in my mind as an opportunity and not a tragedy. Sometimes I get there, sometimes not. Your prayers help so please don't forget about us.

I am so thankful for our sovereign and powerful God. Trusting in the Lord...

Our son met his birth mom - how do I feel about that?

Bear with me for a moment as I express my appreciation for Marvel movies. As I have processed our son "meeting" his birth family for the first time, I also watched Black Panther for the second time. I really like this movie and it has struck a chord with both times I have watched it. I remember in the theater that I was so struck by the plot line. That one may think that a choice is wise in the moment: given the current information available, the current cultural beliefs/pressures, emotions that are at play, etc. That sometimes someone may have thought they considered all of the angles before making a decision but then the outcome is something they didn't think would occur (or at least hoped would not occur) or was completely not even considered as an alternative. Decisions made now weave in with other's decisions and emotions that look like a can of worms that result in outcomes in the short or long-term that can be...well...a mess. Sometimes we know we should do something, sometimes we know we don't want to do something but it has to be done, and sometimes we are between a rock and a hard place and don't know how to find any solution that makes sense for the greater good. Of course, then we think we come up with a workable solution (like t' challa did) and then it all makes no difference because the unexpected happens and makes it irrelevant (like Thanos destroying 1/2 of mankind). Ok, enough of Marvel...

I have met a lot of adoptive parents who have said they want their adopted child to have no contact with their birth family citing all kinds of reasons - some quite unkind to the birth parent and some seemingly out of compassion of the bond between the adoptive parent/child. When making that decision for ourselves we read a bunch of books, talked with a bunch of people who had been adopted and either did or did not have contact with their birth families, and took into account the specific details of our adoption situations.

We have two children who have no contact with their birth mom/families. We were told that by the State when we adopted them out of foster care. Given the documentation we were allowed to see we fully agreed with that directive. We have another child who did have an open adoption with the maternal grandparents and sister but it became too difficult for the birth family over time for various reasons. We have another child that has an open adoption plan. We have opted to have a facebook account for him where his birth mom is his only "friend." This allows us to have messages back and forth as well as pictures. She opted for this mode of communication versus just sending emails. I have kept all of the messages both ways, printed them out, and have them in a book for our son to read when he is older.

I have concluded that there is no "one size fits all" for adoptions. There are too many factors involved to say that it "should" be one way or another. And there are too many shades of gray regarding contact. We clearly have 2 adoptions with definitive "no contact at all" with birth parents (although with adopted out bio siblings we can have contact). But any adoption that has contact has many different ways that could happen. And just because it starts one way, doesn't mean that it continues that way. The emotional health of the adopted child and the birth family may change over time requiring an adjustment to be made.

Another very real factor? When one child in your home has a different type of contact with their birth family than another child does. Does the jealousy and feelings of abandonment with one child mean that another child should not have contact with their birth family? How does one navigate all of that with children who have hurting hearts and don't have the perspective to see things from a mature point of view?

I have decided that I don't know what the "right" answer is. I am making decisions based on how a situation is working in the moment, and hope that there won't be too much collateral damage. When Grace was allowed sleep overs and contact with her birth family, the other kids felt left out. But when her family decided that they wouldn't have any more contact she was devastated. I know why they did what they did, and reached out trying to bridge the gap, but it still hurt her. She recently sent a letter to her sister after 3 years of no contact, and her sister did write back. I am hoping they can form a connection that way.

JJ's situation has been different. While his bio mom has asked for contact, she may not respond to my messages for a year at a time. She admits that after the birth of another child and around JJ's birthday she is particularly emotional and has a hard time so just chooses to not have contact for awhile. I completely understand that. However, a couple of weeks ago she wrote out of the blue and asked if JJ's full bio sister (11 months older) could video call with him. I had wrote back asking for times that might work. A week ago when I got on the site she happened to write back immediately saying that his sister would be leaving for the summer in a week so...we ended up having a electronic face to face conversation right then. For almost 2 hours.

The conversation itself went better than I could have expected. Thankfully his younger 1/2 brothers (3 of them) were very talkative and asked tons of questions keeping the conversation going. Between JJ and his full bio sister, they are both quite shy in new situations (and both of them have quite noticeable difficulty with speech) so it was awkward at first. We had kept our other kids out of the room initially, but then his birth siblings wanted to see them so we brought them in for a bit. That brought up emotions for our kids.

At the beginning his mom wouldn't get into the screen. I am not sure if she was trying to respect the connection between the 2 siblings or if she wanted to not push the issue of her talking to him - trying to be sensitive to him (or me). She has expressed frustration once in the past that we have not flown him out to meet her, when we did not know that she was wanting that type of contact prior to him being much older. Since we had no prep prior to the call I had no way to prepare myself, my kids, JJ, or set boundaries/expectations with her. However, once I encouraged her that she get into the screen so JJ could see her too she did so...then his other siblings piled on the couch too and it was easier.

Ironically, it was her husband who eventually got in the screen and kept the conversations going. He asked very thoughtful questions to JJ and Superman (we had the girls leave again). When his mother started to cry and had to leave the screen it was her husband who explained to JJ that it wasn't his fault and she was just so happy to see him.

There were two hard parts of the conversation that, afterwards, JJ kept bringing up over and over. One was when they asked about our religion and JJ felt like they didn't believe that we are Christians. The other issue was about JJ's speech. His mom asked about his speech saying she has a "lisp" and so does his sister, and wondered if he did too. In the past I had messaged her about the Apraxia diagnosis (asking if she had his sister tested for it since I  knew she was in speech therapy too) but obviously with her listening to him the issues were clear. I then tried to explain (very generally and generically) about the Apraxia, how it affects his speech, sleep, eating, hand coordination, etc. His mom started to cry then asking if it was her fault. So I had JJ seeing his mom cry, her crying and feeling guilty, and me trying to figure out how to calm both down. Her husband was very helpful with that with both of us saying to her that it wasn't her fault and sometimes things just happen.

But what did come out of the conversation is that his mom and sister both have speech issues and major digestive system issues (just like JJ). However, his sister is gluten and dairy intolerant - I am thankful that (as far as we know according to the upper and lower GI's that JJ had a couple of years ago) that he does not have those problems to deal with. I had known that his mom had a lot of eating issues and was on IV's during his pregnancy due to dehydration/low weight gain. His sister is 11 months older than him and is smaller than him. Based on our conversation I still believe that his issues are a mixture of genetic influence and her health during the pregnancy and she could not have prevented any of it. It is not her fault.

While those issues were difficult there were lots of fun facts: JJ's penchant for Chinese food must be genetic - it is also their favorite food lol! He has the same chin and eyebrows as his sister, otherwise he looks like his dad. He has the same favorite color as his dad (and none of us lol!). The brother just younger than him was by far the most talkative. JJ couldn't quite understand why he was white with an afro lol! Trying to explain the different dads (that brother's dad is white) was complicated but I think we got it:) JJ's dad now owns and is the head chef for a restaurant in Las Vegas. JJ has 3 sisters and a brother from his dad (as opposed to 1 sister and 3 brothers from his mom) and 6 nieces and nephews his age from his dad.  All of those were fun tidbits to discover and I think it made JJ feel good to talk about them.

However...there has also been fallout. JJ has been much more clingy. While he has never been good about sleeping through the night he is back to waking me up in the middle of the night every night (despite sleeping 4 feet away from me on a mat on our floor since he is again not sleeping in his room...sigh...) and when I ask, "hey Buddy, what do you need?" He is answer is "I need you to hold me." Ok, Bud, Ok... He has had 2 nighttime accidents that he hasn't had in over 2 years. He has shut down about the call and his thoughts. Because his sister was about to leave for their father's house for the summer for visitation we did another call on Thursday (she left Friday). That call was just with his sister (his mom was in the background but didn't get in the screen at all). He was very shut down and gave bare minimum answers to the bunch of questions she asked him (e.g. what is your favorite song, your favorite singer, your favorite fruit, etc). I could not get him to open up to her or me. That call was much shorter. I know he has questions about why he was adopted and the other 4 were not - I have answered that the best I can. I know he wonders about his birth dad since his sister gets to spend the whole summer with him. It is all new, he is young...maybe over time he will feel safer asking questions.

Tuesday was apparently quite the difficult day for the family. I was at work so my husband had to deal with the yuck. Wednesday I found out about it and we had a long family meeting. JJ was saying some hurtful things about not caring about our family and wanting to go live with his birth family. Of course he is confused in his loyalties right now. I completely understand that. Does that justify him not having any contact with them so he won't be split? I don't know that is the answer. Somehow I had to sit them all down and pull us back together. I asked him that if Bella gets a little brother or sister will he stop loving Bella? He thought I was crazy. I told him there was no reason why he can't love BOTH Bella AND a younger niece/nephew just like he can love BOTH his birth family AND his adoptive family. Neither family is less than the other. Just because he is with one doesn't mean he can't love the other just the same. Thankfully his mom had written me a note of appreciation for the video call and was so sweet. She again reiterated that she chose us to be his family, she is very happy that we are his family, he seems to be doing well in our family, and she would not have been able to provide for him if she had kept him at that time in her life. When I read that to him and reminded him that she chose us and if he is angry about that he is disrespecting her choice, not just us he seemed to see the situation differently and settle his emotions. I tried to pull in each kid and how they were each feeling about the whole situation. I have some kids who are more aware of their feelings and will talk..and others who are a brick wall and their emotions come out in behavior. Eh...I think the conversation went ok. The week since then (including the next day when he talked to his sister) have gone much better. No more negative comments have been made and when I point blank asked him today if he still wanted to live with his birth family he said "no." I know he is conflicted because his words and his behavior don't match up. And he struggles so much with even knowing, much less retrieving the right words to explain something tangible much less intangible like emotions.

So, pretty much everything feels like a big can of worms that had to be opened but is not any fun to deal with. I can't ignore the can, I can't throw the can away, I have to allow those worms to crawl all over and intersect with one another resulting in outcomes that I can't predict or sometimes even like.. I can control as much of it as I can, but the rest I have to have faith will proceed the way it should. Not MY way, but the way that God decided. I just want to do the "right" thing and I don't get to know that ahead of time. Ugg, lack of control, my least favorite feeling!!!!! :)

Living with RAD: The Realities of Gaslighting

This has been a very dark time for our family. I have felt like my brain was a box of 5000 puzzle pieces and I could not get even 2 pieces fit together. In the past several days I have been able to finally articulate some of the issues, with the support of faithful friends, and have been processing the way I do best - writing it down and revising it over and over and over. It helps me "put the pieces together" in a way that I cannot do otherwise. I certainly do not have the entire puzzle put together. So in that way this writing is a point in time of a process so please remember that when reading. We are by no means at any end point. This post is long, I debated about posting it at all, but I am again choosing to be vulnerable and raw about our life. I am not looking for pity. I am not looking to be dramatic. I am not looking to disparage my children. I know that I am not the only parent of kids with RAD and I want to let them know they are not alone, and perhaps others who know of families that have kids who have RAD symptoms can get a better idea of what it like for that struggling family.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The diagnosis that no adoptive parent wants to hear, much less experience with their child. A diagnosis that feels hopeless when it is uttered, much less experienced. It is like cancer in the medical field: extraordinarily difficult to treat, permeates every single aspect of one's life, and leaves the many involved parties forever changed - usually in not so positive ways. 

The official symptoms of RAD are:

A. A consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward adult caregivers, manifested by both of the following:

• The child rarely or minimally seeks comfort when distressed.
• The child rarely or minimally responds to comfort when distressed.

B. A persistent social or emotional disturbance characterized by at least two of the following:

• Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others
• Limited positive affect
• Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during nonthreatening interactions with adult caregivers.

Can I just say that when one is actually living with someone with RAD these symptoms do not even come close to encompassing what it is actually like or all of the ways that a child with RAD actually acts? And each child will look differently in how this manifests. If I were writing the diagnosis I may say something like:

1) child will run hot and cold with verbal and physical kindness. Cold meaning that you feel like you are living with a brick wall every time you attempt to get close. They get close on their timeline and on their terms.

2) child will present well to everyone outside of the family and they will not believe what you tell them happens in the house

3) You will feel like your head is spinning trying to discern fact from fiction or looking for logic. You will very often think, "you have got to be kidding me."

I can give a hundred examples of all of the ways that this plays out in a child's life, and in the life of the family. However, I am going to focus on one symptom that is (in my opinion as a parent of 2 RAD children) the most exhausting and infuriating, and leads to the most heartache and feelings of helplessness...gaslighting.

Gaslighting

A definition "A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity."

"A more psychological definition of gaslighting is "an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.""

Another site says: "True narcissists are not accountable for their own bad behavior. It is common for them to blame others and make it someone else’s fault. They use denial, accusation, misdirection, and lying to throw you off base. You can walk away wondering if it is just your imagination, or if you are sorely mistaken, and it is truly your fault."

Usually gaslighting is referred to in the context of an abusive relationship, often with a narcissist. The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot, but it usually refers to a person who is extraordinarily (pathologically) self-centered - to the exclusion of authentic compassion and empathy for others - or at least if it is experienced that it does not have bearing on the decisions that the person makes that hurt others. I have worked with many women over the years who have suffered crippling effects of partners who engage in gaslighting. The women doubt and second guess every decision and truth they previously thought to be true. Gaslighters are often popular and well liked. They make excellent first impressions and can manipulate others well, especially if they are engaging with one person at at time. They can feed information to that person that they have discerned to be what the person wants to hear, and be believable in presenting that information. So when someone else suggests that a person may be a disingenuous it is met with disbelief and aids in making the person being gaslighted to be even more likely to doubt and second-guess themselves and their perceptions of a situation. 

I used to have much empathy for these women (although women can gaslight as well). But I did not really understand the despair and feelings of craziness until recently. That you have information before you, connect the dots to make logical conclusions, then the gaslighter adamantly denies that your conclusions are logical and presents information and possibilities in such a way that you think you must have misjudged, over-reacted, and concluded wrong. It is utterly maddening. 

I am living with two children with RAD, and one who is a methodical and well practiced at gas lighting. As a parent, coming to terms with the reality that one's child has RAD is painful enough. A child you have prayed for, longed for, and sacrificially poured into is now rejecting your love. Often these kids will present to the outside world as if they are genuine. Then, as a parent who is dealing with RAD, a huge amount of our time is spent identifying, figuring out, and intervening problem behaviors resulting in the parent's social support system diminishing out of sheer lack of time to spend time with people outside the family. That means that when we finally are vulnerable and share with others about our realities - the people around us judge us for misinterpreting the situation, for being overly harsh or judgmental ourselves toward the child, for having parented "wrong" and it is our fault the symptoms exist, or exaggerating the extent of the symptoms. I cannot tell you how many people I have been real with about the issues with one of our daughters and once they ask how long she has been with us and I reply "since 4 months old" their whole body languages shifts from tentative understanding to judgment (never mind the 19 months of back and forth "reunification attempts" with her bio family). 

I am just going to be upfront here and admit that for years (at least 7) these symptoms have been happening in our home, the past 3 years have been bad, the past few months are even worse, and the past 2 weeks have been horrific. To the point where I do not know if our home is the best placement for our daughters. We have gone back and forth about that decision for years, but more frequently lately. What a horrendous decision to have to make!! To have the reality of the situation on one hand remind us that we are clearly not making any progress here war with the reality of "who in the world would send their child away?!?!?! What kind of terrible parent must I be?!?!?" Besides feeling like a monster, there is the crippling effect of feeling like an utter failure. Then, just when I had come to terms with what seemed to be the only option for us to pursue...someone who I have trusted and finally chose to be vulnerable with about our situation said that I had drawn the wrong conclusions and it was essentially my lack of faith in my child that my child was acting this way.

Ouch.

Then I fell into a black dark place of indecision and self-doubt. I decided to just be done. I couldn't do this anymore. I obviously can't draw correct conclusions, I am making it worse, I must be the problem. Doubting myself at every turn. Refusing to make any decisions because it seems I just kept making the wrong ones.

Whoa...

It made me second guess everything. EVERYTHING. Am I doing anything right? Am I drawing any conclusions accurately? What is the truth? What am I supposed to DO!!!??! I have a doctorate degree in clinical psychology. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars in extra specialized training in working with attachment disorders, trauma, etc. But I feel utterly hopeless in dealing with what we deal with in our home.

Both of our daughters have RAD. They trade off on who is actively acting out at a time. When they are both acting out? The rest of life ceases to exist as we attempt to just survive it. It is rare, very rare, that they have simultaneous good days of no blatant behaviors. Structure is the key - with no changes in routine - if we are to have anything that resembles peacefulness. That means that our family lives essentially on lock down. Yesterday I wanted to go to a graduation of a precious friend of mine (well, her son) who I get to talk to less than once a year, and to get to talk to other mom's in that circle of important friends for me. But...I had to stay home to keep routine and regular bedtime. Last week I tried to get outside of the routine and do something "extra." Just a trip to the local park. But it derailed routine and one of our kids had one of the worst rages yet. I even called a shelter to see if they would take her but they were full. So, right now I am terrified to get outside of routine and upset the apple cart. Imagine what this does for the rest of the children? 

Anyway, that is not the focus of this post. I am getting distracted by the MANY MANY ways that our life is disrupted by RAD. 

So, back to the daughter who is the master at gas lighting. This child has been acting out for years. It is subtle and blatant. It is in all settings. There is no logic behind it. Often her cycle is act out, get caught (eventually), honeymoon period, we think she actually "got it" this time and have hope that she stop her behavior...then it starts all over again, and again, and again, and....yet again. With bigger and bigger behavior each time.

Recently this child did something again. AGAIN. I was sure I knew what the truth was. But then there were just enough pieces of the story that I began to second guess myself AGAIN. This child can lie to a person's face like she is a Hollywood actress on screen. Was I wrong? What kind of a horrible person am I that I am thinking the worse of this person? of MY DAUGHTER! The person who stated that I am wrong for assuming the worst and not giving this child the benefit of the doubt, and that by doubting my daughter I am actually causing her to just give up and not try completely floored me and made me doubt myself at my core.

But then? Then I found out that I WAS RIGHT!!!!! Irrevocably RIGHT! That I had put the dots together accurately and drawn the correct conclusions! There was no more escape from the truth! It was so freeing to know that I had not thought wrong about the situation.  

The back and forth and back and forth and back and forth of second guessing myself is exhausting! The constant detective work investigating fact from fiction is making my head spin! I am so tired of this. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be married to someone like this. I am just trying to parent one.

I spent the week of investigating the situation exhausted, numb, angry, wanting to give up. I felt terrible for wanting to give up. I already had been so stressed that I couldn't sleep for the previous weeks, then I spent that week not being able to get enough sleep. I don't have an appetite (although that may not be a bad problem to have right now. I need to lose weight and I now weigh less than I have in a year! Yay! Silver lining!!;) What I usually enjoy, I don't. What I could usually motivate myself to do, I couldn't. I felt trapped. No matter what decision I make it seems like I get backlash. I used to be able to stand up against that because I felt so firm in my conclusions and conviction but the heaviness of all of what we deal with just got to be too much. My kids all walked around and looked at me like I clearly was not ok (I wasn't). Beautiful came over every day (without my asking) to just run interference with her siblings. They all treated me like I was fragile glass that was already half broken.

But a few days ago I forced myself to talk to my accountability partner when all I really wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. Later that afternoon we got the phone call from the school that we were right about our conclusions about the situation. I finally felt like I could emerge from that dark place and choose to fight again. I didn't have to swirl in that place of "what if I am wrong and accusing my child of something they didn't do? What kind of parent does that??!" Then we sought counsel from others who confirmed that we are at a crisis point. A decision has been made on how to proceed with this child. It is the only next step that makes sense. I have to stand firm. I have to move forward on this path even though I will undoubtedly have people who do not understand and will disagree. While I know what the outcome needs to be I am afraid that I won't go about it right and am terrified for our child's future. But I am more terrified for the only logical outcome if my child continues her current choices to their inevitable conclusion. I have told my child that I feel like I am standing on a railroad track with the child as a train with 100 loaded cars barreling toward me faster and faster as I am jumping up and down saying "stop! stop! you are about to crash and burn!!!!!" Yet the train just keeps going faster telling me that I am wrong about my opinion on where the train is headed. I can no longer be the one standing on that track. I need someone else to do that. It makes me feel inadequate and like a failure that I cannot stop this train, but I obviously cannot. I, and my family, will implode if we allow this to continue. So, a decision has been made that others will need to stand on that track. I don't know who, but I am now focused on making that happen. 

Essentially RAD is a problem of a lack of trust. I completely understand why these children don't trust. I completely understand why these children are afraid of putting their faith in someone who might let them down. I get it! That is why I have given grace over, and over, and over, and over again. BUT! At what point is enough enough? When I worked in prisons for 9 years I could understand why someone chose the criminal activity, but I certainly did not conclude that the person should not have been held accountable for his/her choices for their harm to society. So why do I keep allowing my daughters to do that to the detriment of our other children, (and to society with some of the behaviors).

I cannot make them trust me. That is the problem in a nutshell. If they don't trust me, they won't respect me. If they won't respect me they won't follow my authority.

Beyond that, if they won't trust God, they won't trust me. If they won't obey God, they won't obey me. When I want to blame myself for the RAD, I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't necessarily rebellion against me, this is rebellion against God. We ALL need to learn that we are not self-sufficient. I get that it is done out of fear but that doesn't make it right. That is very selfish. We need to trust in and lean on God for everything, just like we ask our children to trust and lean on us. We have the choice to refuse to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and our children have the choice to not accept us as their authority .

I am choosing to leave the insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Living with gaslighting is a quagmire of deception and self-doubt. I am thankful that I know Truth and that I have people around me who are praying for me and helping me to see clearly and stand firm. Reminding me that I have done all I can and it is ok. To relinquish my control and let God determine the outcome of the train - He is going to anyway, I just need to get out of the way.

Thankfully we are currently in a honeymoon period. I have informed the children of what is happening. The pressure has been let up briefly. We have had 3 days with relatively little drama (well...kid driven drama at least). We have to jump through a ton of hoops, make many phone calls, and have our life dissected as I am sure that many professionals are also going to not believe us and will second guess us. But, something has to change immediately. If not for the benefit of our daughters (it is their choice), then for the sake of our other children who are also at a breaking point. 

If you are an adoptive parent living with RAD, please know you are not alone. If you are someone who knows someone who has a child who likely has RAD, please do not doubt them or second-guess them. Support them. Even if you just say "I can't imagine what this is like for you but I am here" do that. If they can't find time to spend with you because of their reality, don't give up on them, pray for them, and give them encouragement. You may be an important part of their life-line that keeps them sane on their journey.

Nightmares, Migraines, Adoption Issues, and a Big Answer to Prayer:)

Nightmares:
As I have talked about ad nauseaum, JJ is not a good sleeper. At age 6 1/2 he still does not sleep through the night consistently. He falls asleep between 11 and 12. He needs me holding him, at least right next to him, to fall asleep. The nights he falls asleep in my arms are the nights he falls asleep in under 30 minutes instead of in 2 hours. And there is no rhyme or reason why some nights he makes it all night long and some nights he is back in our bed frantic to be plastered against my side within an hour of me carrying him to his own bed. We have tried all kinds of things, nothing works, and at this point I just go with it.

One thing that he does talk about a lot is having nightmares. He won't tell us what they are about so I have been thinking that he has been using that as an excuse. He has asked for over a year for us to pray for him at bedtime "so I won't have bad dreams." Then he accuses me of not praying "right" and asks "why don't your prayers work?" when he says he continues to have bad dreams. He even has Beautiful pray for him the nights she is still here that late as an extra layer against "bad dreams" (since mine don't work;) Again, I have thought over time that this is an excuse to just not want to sleep by himself...

...but last week I had to wake him in the morning to get to an appointment (otherwise I would never wake him - that is a nightmare for both of us...). He was still in his own bed. I will never forget the look of utter shock on his face when he first opened up his eyes and when he blurted out, "I didn't have any bad dreams?!?!" So, that both confirmed to me that he is not faking about the nightmares as there was no way that he could feign that shock the second he woke up, and it broke my heart that he was so surprised that he wasn't woke up in terror from a nightmare. I don't know how to make this better, but we will continue to pray over him:)

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Migraines:
I have struggled with headaches for over 20 years. I didn't know they were migraines until just over a year ago. I was under the mistaken assumption that in order for it to be a "migraine" I had to vomit with it. Not true. Since then I have been systematically trying to figure out what triggers them. I go to the chiropractor once a month. I get massages regularly and had to bump it up to every 3 weeks at one point. I work on hydration. I avoid certain kinds of food noticing that after eating at certain restaurants it was bad. I can't avoid taking my children out in public  (just kidding...sort of;) I use Progessence Plus every night and when I got to the right dose it dramatically reduced my headaches. I take a ton of supplements and vitamins. When I feel one coming on I try to take 2 Tylenol and sleep (if possible).  All of these interventions have helped. However, a couple of weeks ago they started coming back stronger than usual and more frequent. Last Sunday I came home, took Tylenol and napped and the migraine was 10 times worse when I woke up. As a last ditch effort I took an anti-histamine since everyone else in the house was have allergy symptoms and I was desperate for it to go away. And it did! I have not been a person to suffer with allergies - congestion, sneezing, watery eyes, etc. But, when I think about when my migraines are worse it is in the fall and spring. Huh. So I took an anti-histamine every day this week and it was better. I woke every morning with a headache starting and it would go away with the anti-histamine. I am very thankful!

The one trigger that consistently results in more frequent migraines that I can't do a single thing about is...frequent interrupted sleep. Sigh...

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Adoption Issues: JJ's mom recently had her 3rd son since JJ has been born. JJ has enjoyed seeing pictures of him and it has started him to talk more and more about his birth family. He has asked to meet her and we are trying to  answer any questions he has. He keeps walking around asking each of us many times a day "what is your real name." I hate that word "real." I keep telling him that everyone has their "real" name (the word "real" is a pet peeve of mine so I keep saying "birth name." Of course, asking him to stop doing something means that he does it 1000 times more...) It really throws him for a loop when his, Beautiful, Buddy, my husband and I all have the same name that we were born with but the other 3 don't. He just can't quite understand the logic of all of that - which is probably why he keeps asking...and asking...and asking...

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago was when this was starting and I asked Superman and Faith how they felt about JJ talking about his birth family, having contact with them, and the idea that he may get to meet them when that was not something they would get to do. Superman responded honestly and actually had some good questions. Most of the time he avoids adoption questions so I was thankful that he felt safe enough to do that. That is one good thing of JJ talking about it so much, Superman has learned that it is not a taboo topic even though we have always told them they can ask anything they want to;) Anyway, I told him that right or wrong I tend to error on the side of answering questions openly and that I never want the kids to feel like there was a time that they felt I held information back from them so if he wanted to know I would share what I knew (in a responsible way of course). The conversation got pretty tough and a lot of questions were asked. I was glad that he felt he could ask and receive honest answers. I was thankful for Superman opening up more during that conversation.

But...something else beautiful also came out that that hard conversation...

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Answer to Prayer:
I have asked you to pray for our girls, and specifically Faith, in the past. Things have been tough for a long, long time with them. We are starting to see some maturity with Grace. She will actually say now that she needs to go to her room to calm down...about 15% of the time. But it is better than 0% of the time;) Bedtime is getting better. She admits that when she goes to bed earlier she is happier in the morning. That right there is HUGE! Over all there is a maturing and we are thankful. Of course, as I typed that she had a tiff with her brother. But at least she only growled and didn't do her normal tantrum. So, progress!

But, things with Faith have had us very, very concerned. Her behavior has been far more intentional and calculating than Grace's impulsivity. Things came to a head March 3. We did an intervention with a group of people on March 6 where she had to publicly admit to them what she had been doing. They prayed over her. She knew that the next step that we were considering was sending her to boarding school. The next couple of weeks I had several situations with her that gave me increased hope. Times when she came and volunteered about a struggle - both before or after (but before she was caught) it happening. Then came that adoption conversation I wrote of in the last section. It totally sent her into an emotional tailspin.

You may think me cruel, but I was finally glad to get some real emotion out of her. Finally it seemed we had broken through to some of the core yuck and she was getting genuine. I had her do EMDR about that and it was a beautiful and cathartic experience for her - (she actually talked about her feelings about her birth mom). And a bonding experience for us. It has "only" been 3 weeks since then but she is doing great! It is the first time I have seen her genuine and authentic with us. She just "feels" more relaxed and at peace. I feel more relaxed and at peace. She has messed up a few times since then but it as been more of what to expect from a typical 10 year old than a 10 year old with attachment/early trauma issues filled with rage/resentment/bitterness/fear/guilt/shame/etc. I am not so naive to think life will be a bed of roses from here on out, but it is the most peace we have felt in the house for years. Years.  I don't have to feel like a prisoner in my own house just to keep the kids in check or fear of what they may do in public. Ok, well, as much fear as there used to be anyway;) I can trust Buddy or Beautiful to babysit and not wonder what will happen. She is earning back privileges she hasn't had for 18 months and not misusing them.

It is good:)

Thank you for praying for our family and for Faith. She is precious and I feel like we have broken through the outer shell and can finally enjoy the real her.  God is good, and He is trustworthy:)

Dr. Strange: How the Movie Has Challenged Me

Have you ever gone to a movie and had it impact you on a personal level in a way that was probably not the intention of the movie production team? That happened to me with the movie Dr. Strange. Aside from what I considered to be a movie way outside of normal expectations for plot and visual effects, there was one concept that really stuck in my head. A concept that made me disgusted with its implications. The longer that it stuck in my head, the more that I realized that it was actually something that I do. I guess it was one of those situations where God used the movie to point out:

Matthew 7:3  "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

When it is pointed out to Dr. Strange that his surgical success rates are so high in part due to him not taking on extra risky or hard cases I was floored. While you probably knew this, I did not realize that specialists refuse to take on certain cases if the chance of failure will harm their success statistics. In hind site it should not have surprised me. After all in my own profession if we are untrained in a particular area we are told to refer on to the appropriate specialist. That just seems different to me than refusing for the sole purpose of it affecting success rates.

Several days after the movie it still stuck in my gut in a bad way. Then I started thinking about my own practice. There are definitely situations where I wish I could refer someone on because I don't want to work with the issue, it will take too much effort, take too long, the outcome is "hopeless" (in my fleshly opinion), or whatever the excuse may be. But I try to focus on the fact that God brought that person through my door and I am to do what I can do and leave the outcome to Him. I got thinking that is kind of like the statistics reason. It isn't that I am not qualified, it is just that I (admittedly selfishly) prefer the "easy" situations. 

Ouch.

But once I sifted through that layer of thinking, God hit me with the second punch.

Isn't that my exact situation with raising my "hard" kiddos? Well, yes.it.is. 

It would sure be nice to have "easy" adopted (and biological) children. It would be nice if I never had to deal with heart rebellion. It would be great if every tool that I have learned through my decades of training cut off all wrongdoing in my children on the very first day it happened. 

But that wouldn't be reality would it? After all, God in all of His power hasn't cut off my own sin the first time that I commit it - because He allows that pesky gift of "free will."

Thank you so much for the prayer that some of you have offered for our family and our daughters since my last post. I know I have felt much more peace, perspective, and hope. Thank you to those of you who have called or written encouragement. While I dislike being vulnerable and sharing our yuck, I covet your prayers. 

Behavior is not necessarily better in our home, but my heart is in a better place. My hope is not in changed behavior, my hope is in God being sovereign. 

My husband and I had a long talk with Buddy on Friday. It was so hard to hear him talk about how our family simply cannot have any fun, go places, or do what we would like to do due to the behaviors of some of our kiddos. It is isolating and frustrating. It grieves me that we only have 1 1/2 years left with this precious young man that I adore and then those years are forever gone. Years that have been negatively impacted by our choice to have difficult kiddos. Biological kids often get forgotten in the chaos of realities of adding adopted children and this has happened with Buddy (and Beautiful). I try to think of our situation as "fire" that God is using to purify their hearts before they go out into the world. However, it is a huge blessing that both Beautiful and Buddy have seemed to also believe that. There were years they were resentful (and I know it still happens at times). But when Buddy was sharing his feelings it was such a relief to this guilty mom's heart to hear him say "I am not saying that you should not have adopted them. I am just saying this is how it has changed our family." He was matter of fact and accepting of the "nice and easy" things that he has missed out on and the "hard and difficult" realities that have replaced it. 

Praise God for how He sanctifies and humbles us when we start thinking too highly of ourselves, loves us when we are "hard and difficult," changes our perspective from the horizontal to the vertical, and uses even Marvel movies to challenge our assumptions and belief sets. He is so creative and versatile when He says "Stop it! Wrong way! Get refocused!!!"

Labor Day Weekend - Life Light!

We decided this year that the whole family would attend Life Light this year.  In the past only Beautiful and I have attended. I haven't gone for 3 years (Beautiful has missed 2 years).  Here is a bit about the trip.

First, life has been crazy busy for us lately.  I have been working an extra day a week due to an increased caseload, Beautiful is in her Senior Year and is also taking 2 online college classes, it is "harvest" time for our little garden and fruit trees, my husband hurt his back and can't do as much (and mine has been acting up so I have been really careful), and...home school has resumed:)

I normally work 10 - 12 hour days on Monday and Tuesday, but have been working 1 or 2 more afternoons lately which is affecting the routine at home.  Then I had to figure out how to take a whole day our of our routine to get Grace in for a root canal.  Poor kid.  The root in the tooth that got chipped off during the cheering of the "hail mary" Husker win last year was dying and she was in pain.  So...we spent a day getting that done and doing some shopping.  By the way, did you know that Endodontists ONLY do root canals?  So, if you feel bored in your job, imagine ONLY performing root canals day in and out!  Anyway, while 5 of us did the root canal route which included clothes shopping, my husband took 2 kids to the state fair (we were all in the same town).  Our kid who NEVER gets sick said he didn't feel well so stuck with me as we went home early.  Hmmmm.....

The next day (Thursday) the other kid who never gets sick complained of a headache and vomited.  We were trying to figure out if we were heading to Life Light or not!  We hoped that she just ate too much at the state fair...

Friday we canned all of the apples.  They were already rotting and we knew we would lost a lot more if we waited another week until we had a free day to can again.  My husband had to attend a follow up appointment for his mother and didn't get home until 11.  I was supposed to have all of the apples picked from our trees and be started canning before he got home.  However...it rained almost 2 inches in just over 2 hours that morning...so I saved the apple picking for him;)  He and some kids went out and picked when he got home.  Grace hauled buckets of apples to the house constantly.  It was a great job for her and she did great (she was 100% from her root canal.  She heals quick!)  The rest of us were in the house starting the applesauce process.  We finally got done after 11 p.m.  We had less quarts than usual - only about 75 or so.  But since we haven't used up last year yet it will be fine.

Saturday we headed out to Life Light.  We weren't sure what to do since the forecast called for bad storms on Sunday and there had been a lot of rain Friday night already, and we didn't know if a kid would get sick.  But, we went.  We checked into the hotel and then headed to the grounds.

On the way we picked up Beautiful's boyfriend where he attends college.  I haven't talked too much about him.  I don't like the word "boyfriend."  That implies something very different than the courtship relationship that they have.  "Boyfriend" seems to cheapen how they are carrying on their relationship to something that the world had made to be...I don't know...uncommitted?  Anyway, we call him that for lack of a better word but we think of him as another member of our family, whom we prayerfully expect will be a member of our family one day.  They have been in this relationship almost 2 years and we have loved how they are conducting their relationship with us or with his parents.  They have only been allowed to go anywhere without any chaperones present twice (to public locations).  We are blessed that they don't rebel against these boundaries but actually seem to appreciate them.  But, I really like getting to know him as my daughter gets to know him.  This weekend he pulled a practical joke on her that had all of us in tears laughing.  He is a wonderful young man to deeply loves the Lord...and he is fun.  Anyway, he is usually a fixture at any of our family outings and Life Light was one of them:)

At Life Light the kids loved the music.  By the time we got to Skillet at night - wow.  Grace LOVED how the bass from the music just ran through her body.  She and JJ were dancing up a storm totally into the music.  I couldn't understand a single word the band said...but I guess that isn't the point at a concert;)

Sunday morning we quick ran through Kohls to buy matching shirts for our upcoming family pictures.  We have never done matching outfits before so this will be fun!

Then we went to the worship service - awesome music...followed by the sermon by KEN HAM!!!!!!!!!!!  He was one of the 2 biggest reasons I wanted to go to Life Light.  We have almost all of his videos and many of his books.  We went to the Creation Museum during our Disney World trip in March.  Love his ministry.  Love his speaking.  It was great!

The weather was hot during the day.  We wandered around, sweat, and some of the kids napped on the blankets in the grass.  The mud had dried out so we didn't need boots on Sunday.

In the course of 30ish minutes a bunch of things happened.  I was talking to one of my cousins whom I hadn't seen for 2 years.  My husband and big kids went to get food and look around before the next band.  Grace had to go potty.  There were rows of port-a-potties (the cleanest ones I have ever experienced).  Two banks of them were behind where we were sitting to each side of the entrance/exit.  We were toward the back of the crowd but there were a lot more people behind us.  We sat right on the "alley" between the left and right groups.  That made knowing where we were much easier and the kids could "dance" in the "alley."  Well, Grace had to go potty so I sent her to the port-a-potties that she had gone to many times.  However, I told her to go to the ones on the east side of the entrance instead of the west.  I watched her walk east through the scattered chairs rather than just walk to the back of the crowd and then over.  I thought that was probably a bad idea and would get her disoriented.  My cousin left soon thereafter.  Grace didn't return.  I ran back to find her and couldn't.  I came to our spot and she wasn't there.  I saw Buddy heading to the other bank of port-a-potties so went to get him to sit with the younger kids so I didn't lose them.  I went back to the other row and she wasn't there.  I was wondering where they took lost kids if they found them.  Would I have to head over to Lost and Found (I had found someones cell phone earlier and returned it to that tent so I at least knew where it was)?  Would they announce her name over the loud speakers to 100,000 people...in the middle of a concert?  Had someone taken off with her through the exit?  Then Superman said, "Hey!  Grace is riding on a golf cart!"  Whaaa?  Sure enough, apparently she had come out of the bathrooms and walked straight down the alley like every other time she had gone...but since she was disoriented it was the far east alley and not the central alley.  She stopped at a Pizza Ranch tent and asked for help (she did have my cell phone number on her wristband but no one called it).  They handed her off to volunteer.  And they put her on the golf cart.  I don't know where they were taking her since she didn't know where we were (I am assuming to the Lost and Found tent).  She didn't make a lot of sense when she got back (which is typical- asking her for logical, linear, chronological information is asking for tons of confusion) about what exactly happened.  However, since we were sitting right on the alley and I was standing in the alley looking for her...they found me:)  I started crying and was so relieved when they drove up with her that admittedly I didn't ask them many questions except to find out that she asked for help at the Pizza Ranch.  So, I snuggled up with her so relieved she was found when...

I was soooo excited to hear Big Daddy Weave and Michael W. Smith (the reason other than Ken Ham that I wanted to make this family trip happen).  The band right before them, Remedy Drive, was playing at 5 as we watched the heavy clouds roll in (also while I was searching for Grace).  I had packed up everything earlier and thought we could just brace ourselves under umbrellas if it "rained" on us - after all, I could see the back edge of the storm (eye roll...).  People started to leave.  We didn't.  Then...at 5:15 the sky opened up.  It didn't just rain, it down poured.  I am so glad that I had everything packed up.  We ran and Beautiful (somehow she had showed up during that as I had texted her to come help since Grace was lost - but the men still weren't back) spotted a tent for us to hide under rather than run to the van a long ways away.  We were all dripping wet and soaked through completely.  My husband and Beautiful's boyfriend were still off getting food.  Later we learned that they had headed to the van thinking we would be there...but were too soaked to get in so just got...soaked...  It seemed like it rained at least 1 inch in 20 minutes.  The ground had standing water everywhere and we just sloshed through it.  Life Light is set on a 1/2 mile square farm.  So the concerts are outdoors and the main stage is in a field.  It was ...wet.  After the men sloshed back to us it was a hard decision of what to do next.  We finally agreed to go back to the hotel and get dry clothes on (and warm up) and come back but stay in the van in the back field to listen to the last 2 bands (the ones I wanted to hear...and there would be NO problem hearing the band from the field).

But...we got stuck in the parking lot.  It was downright embarrassing that our 1 ton 12 passenger van couldn't get traction in the wet grass/alfalfa.  God provided an older gentleman with a truck and a towrope within 2 minutes of us realizing we weren't going to get out and he towed us a 1/2 mile -  completely out of the parking lot (field).

That, of course, meant that we couldn't go back for the last 2 concerts as we probably would get stuck again.  I really had to wrestle with God about that one.  I only wanted to come for 2 reasons - Ken Ham and Michael W. Smith.  God reminded me of my constant and innate selfishness and told me to knock it off.  So, we went out to IHOP for supper (which made Buddy VERY happy) and I fell asleep early in one hotel room with the girls while the rest of the kids stayed up later in the other hotel room.  JJ had fallen asleep soon after getting drenched and cold and slept for 3 hours.  I was really worried that he would get sick.  But, he didn't.  He had a restless night of sleeping that kept me occupied.  That wasn't a terrible thing for me as I was awake "wrestling" with God anyway;)

The next day my Dad drove down to see us.  We hadn't seen him since he came with us on our Black Hills trip last September.  We enjoyed a trip to The Falls and got lots of great pictures of him and the kids:)  We went out to eat at a buffet restaurant that he likes.  We always eat there with him as my kids are all so picky with their food that it suits everyone well!

While we were at The Falls the kids were climbing over rocks and such.  You can imagine Grace not slowing down for much.  I told her repeatedly to slow down, not run, and NOT jump over the small pools of water between the rocks.  But...she did...and lost her shoe...when she fell in...  I was a ways ahead of them and watched as she and the older kids tried to find that silly shoe.  I was trying to figure out how we were going to go out to eat with a kid with no shoes!  She kept wanting to reach in one spot and grab it but Beautiful couldn't see the shoe and didn't want her tumbling in and getting her clothes wet so stopped her.  I eventually went back and finally I told Grace I would hang on to her and she could grab her shoe if she thought she knew where it was.  The little goofball reached right in...and came back up with her shoe!!!  It was lodged in the...crud...in the bottom of the pond.  Just another adventure with Grace:)

We drove home and JJ vomited in the car.  He really can't handle much with his stomach and food and gets car sick way too often but usually it is only in the morning.  Anyway, we got home and settled in.

Tuesday and Wednesday I worked all day.  I was so tired lol!  I worked 1/2 a day on Thursday and got lots of other things accomplished.  It was one of those very, very rare days where the kids actually cooperate and we can all click.  I wish there were more days like that...  Friday was back to the frantic "rat in a wheel" that I hate but is the reality of my life.

This weekend I finally felt like, even though I have been very productive, I was able to take a breath again.  I am so thankful for our trip to Life Light even though the week before and after any such "extra" family activities brings me so much extra stress.  It is such a wonderful ministry and lots and lots of fun!  I will say that I was probably the most blessed (aside from Ken Ham) by seeing the shear number of transracial families.  I have never seen that many transracial families in one place before.  It made me feel like we were a little more...not atypical?  And, of course, I was so excited to see all of those kids who had been adopted into Christian forever home families.  We met one and exchanged numbers.  They live in our state and the boy and girl came from Haiti.  I have to laugh and share that the best way I have found to meet another transracial family (well, one with a child with African hair) is to walk up to them and ask the girl, "your hair is beautiful, does your mom do that?"  Faith's hair has been a conversation starter many times:)

JJ Update

I have done a very poor job of updating.  I have lots of things that I think about, but emotions have run high with all of the unknowns of the Rose situation so posting has not been high on my list of priorities.  Now that we know that she is not going to return to us, it seems like moving forward with life has been on my mind more and updating my blog seems more fun:)

So...
JJ has been doing well.  I think I will update by category to make it easier.

SLEEP:
One of the two biggest issues with JJ has been sleep.  We are very happy that he has been sleeping most hours of the night for awhile.  He used to go to sleep around midnight (give or take an hour) for many months.  About a month ago he abruptly started to go to sleep earlier (between 7 and 9) more nights of the week than not.  That has been a huge blessing.  However, it also means that we wakes between 4 and 6...not so much fun.  He does sleep in his own bed though (until he wakes in the morning).  He is even learning a little about how to identify when he is tired and asking to sleep, sometimes:)

EATING:
I took JJ in to be weighed recently and he had gained 3 lbs in 3 months!  His weight gain has been such a frustration for over 3 years that it has been great to see him actually eating and gaining weight.  He prefers milk over juice or water - essentially refusing to drink either.  He can finally drink from a regular cup without spilling. Getting him to drink at all was a struggle for years, and it worsened after we weaned from the bottle.  I am glad that he finally will drink an entire glass of milk in one sitting again, like he used to do with a bottle.  He does not like to eat breads or many sweets.  He prefers things like chips and nacho cheese, sliced turkey, grape nuts (he will wake up at 4 a.m. and INSIST on eating a bowl of grape nuts), spaghetti, pizza, shrimp, fruit snacks, and those kinds of foods.  It has been such a blessing to me that in the past few weeks he is finally asking for food.  Before it was always us trying to get him to eat, or if we were eating he may try a few bites.  He (unless it is 4 a.m.) does not like to eat when he first wakes up.  In fact, if we travel in the mornings he will often become car sick if he has consumed anything at all.  I suspect that he has some sensory/tummy ache issues that are chronic.  Another goofy thing about his eating is that he hates his hands to get dirty.  About 75% of the time he will say "you feed me??"  Just today I was almost in tears when he said, "I hu gee.  I wa a nack!"  (I'm hungry, I want a snack).  For him to initiate eating is incredible.  He ended up eating almost 2 full bowls of grapes.  I was delighted:)

SPEAKING:
JJ has quite a difficult time communicating.  He jabbers on like crazy but most of the time we do not understand him.  When Sport came at 36 months he had a huge vocabulary and excellent articulation.  JJ is 39 months and struggles quite a lot.  We pick up his meaning from context and his animation or pointing.  Buddy did not speak until he was 3 either and does well now.  I heard from JJ's birth mom yesterday who shared that JJ's full bio sister who is 11 months older than him has delays in speech as well, so probably we will need to get him evaluated and services.

JJ's speaking has been a source of much comedy in our home.  Lately his favorite word is "why."  It is amazing how many times the word "why" can be used in a day.  I do not recall the other kids saying it this much.  Perhaps because they had better vocabularies and could ask more detailed questions.  Sometimes he will shake things up a bit and ask "where?"

Biological Mom:
Right before JJ turned 3 his Tummy Mommy asked that we not send pictures or updates anymore as it was too hard on her.  We of course respected that.  She then posted on JJ's fb page a picture of her and JJ's sister on her sister's birthday with a message to JJ.  So...I decided to just put a picture up on JJ's fb page to see how the mom responded.  She thankfully did send us a message and we were able to communicate a bit. It is so hard on her, yet she assures us that she knows she made the right decision.  I will admit though that when she asked me to send her a picture of JJ in his Halloween costume I immediately panicked and tried to think of how to find a costume to get a picture for her (we do not observe Halloween).  My husband then gently reminded me that I could just gently tell her that we do not observe Halloween and therefore there was not a picture, but to send another cute picture instead.  I was surprised at my initial response and realized that I so want to have her approval as the continued "right choice" of being the mother to her child.  Anyway, the responsibility of raising "another person's child" is always weighing heavily on my shoulders.  The thought "what would their mom/dad/grandparent/etc think of xyz??" is usually lurking there somewhere, especially with JJ's mom as she chose us as opposed to "The State" choosing us with the other 3 adoptions (although in Grace's case her parents and grandparents did want us to adopt her after the initial placement was done by the state).

Biological Dad:
Bio mom has bio dad as a "friend" on fb.  It is weird to see pictures of him and to hear his Bio mom and her friends post on pics of JJ that "he looks JUST like his dad!!!"  At times I have such a need to try to contact him and make a connection for JJ's sake.  I have asked his bio mom if that was OK and she never responds to that question.  I also have so many fears of contacting him.  What if he ends up not wanting to know JJ or wants to know him?  There are so many implications on both sides that would be hard for JJ (of course there are good sides, but I seem to always default to the downside).  I figure that the dad knows how to contact me and chooses not to (but maybe feels like he can't) and the bio mom won't say anything about it so I will just leave it alone for now.  The dad is a chef though...so maybe that accounts for JJ's sensitive palate;)

POTTY TRAINING:
Unfortunately...still in training phase.  This month marks 1 year since we started the process.  Just like everything else with him it takes a long time.  He has always known what to do in the bathroom, but never initiated it (kind of like eating).  If we have had days with him in a pull up due to being gone he regresses (of course) so we will just continue to plod along.  On good days he has no accidents (and most days only a few) so I know that it won't be too long.

THE NUK:
Sigh...He really wants that nuk.  We take it away from him during the day and he chews on EVERYTHING else he can find.  Today his shirt is drenched all the way to his waist due to him chewing on it.  He was even chewing on MY shirt today.  He has such a need to chew and chew.  I have noticed that he is speaking a bit clearer and eating a bit more since we have taken the nuk during the day...possibly a coincidence...possibly not.  He will find where he hide the nuk and either climb up on things to reach it, or use a long item (like a light saber) to knock it down and get it.  Gotta give him points for creativity!  He has become a bit more frustrated with us taking his nuk and he insists on having 2 of them when he goes to bed.  Maybe he thinks he can stash one away and we won't notice;)  He is such a card!

SHYNESS:
JJ continues to be very shy.  He will cling to us in public (although as long as it is not nursery or Sunday School at church he feels comfortable enough to run crazy!) and always wants us to carry him.  However, he has made some very good friends and it is fun to see his response to them.  One of them is a teenage boy who frequents our home.  JJ seems to think that he is there for JJ's express pleasure and asks about him almost every day.  He will yell "my Edin!" when he sees him or talks about him and last weekend stood at the window watching the road for a long time waiting for him to come.  He adores his friend:)  We also had another couple stop by a bit from another country and JJ was very comfortable with him as well.  I think that the frequency of us talking about them in our home perhaps has helped him feel safer.  We do pray for them at every  meal so he hears their names a lot lol!  We have some other friends that watch him on occasion.  He fights staying there but calms down soon after we leave so I think that is success:)  Next goal...getting him to stay in Sunday School!

ALL BOY!
JJ is loud, boisterous, demanding, insistent, energetic, and fearless in settings where he feels safe.  He will stand up on top of furniture and think nothing of jumping down into a pile of hard objects.  He climbs up shelves and other places where he should not be.  He creatively uses light sabers and other long objects to knock down high up objects that he wants.  He LOVES to be outside and is very upset that it is curtailed with the cold weather.  He wrestles aggressively and without a vocabulary to use to ask for what he wants/needs he tends to aggressively pursue it.  That is the area we work with him the most about.   He has older siblings who are "demanding" of his space and things.  He has learned to not bow down to impulsive whims of others.  That has been a good trait given some of our family dynamics.  With that said, he also needs to constantly be taught that he cannot insist on satisfying his impulsive whims to the exclusion of others' needs/wants.  Something that all of us can probably work on:)

COMIC RELIEF:
Probably the most defining part of JJ is his comic relief.  All of the rest of us comment on how JJ makes us laugh, diverts difficult situations, and helps us to relax and see the joy in daily life again.  So many dynamics exist in our home that include tension and stress.  It is nice to have this child with a sense of humor and charming smile who eases the rough spots and helps bring us back to laughter:)  He is a gift.

Our 6th Child Turns 3!

JJ turned 3 today.  I will give a recap of the circumstances of JJ's birth (hey, what else is a blogger to do on a kid's birthday?  ;)

We felt God calling us to adopt again, but after 3 foster adoptions we could just not bear to "wonder" if an adoption was going to move forward or not and the 18+ month long rollercoaster rides of foster care "what if's."  We decided to do an agency adoption.  There was no money up front (aside from the home study process).  We prayed that since the home study was good for one year, if He wanted us to adopt again, we were available.  However, if it was just our flesh that wanted another child and it was not His will, we would understand that if the home study expired and we were not matched, then we would be content with our 5 kids.  We started the paperwork in March, were approved by the agency in June.  On Wednesday, August 11, we were called to be told that a potential birth mom wanted to look at our profile and would want to call the next day to talk to us.  We did not get a call so thought we were not chosen.  Around 11 on Friday, August 13, we got a call that we were chosen and she wanted to talk to us in the afternoon.  That afternoon we got a text that the mom had chosen not to talk to us..because she decided we were "the family."  I went into shock...we had a ton of things to get gone before we needed to be leaving for Utah on...Sunday, August 15.  JJ was to be born on the 17th.

Obviously we made it to Utah on time!  We met with JJ's birth mom on Monday night at The Cheesecake Factory.  The agency had a social worker there for her and one for us to help support us through the conversation.  We had a very nice conversation and she told us why she picked us (because she wanted JJ to learn values of being a Godly and loyal man, and she was the oldest of 11 children and wanted JJ to have a big family) and she was very happy with the name we suggested (wanting his middle name to be only 1 letter different from his 11 month old full bio sister) starting to cry when she realized that it was my husband who picked the name...she said that she was shocked that a father would care enough about his son to want to name him.

The next morning we got a call that the hospital had too many people delivering so we would have to wait for the induction (thankfully we did not get told that the hospital originally said Friday!!)  We got called in later in the morning.  The social worker for his birth mom stayed with us the entire time.  I was so blessed that his birth mom asked me there for his delivery.  She said it was so I would be able to tell JJ all about the day he was born.  His birth mom is a courageous and precious woman, we are infinitely blessed by the gift of life she has given JJ and for the birth plan to involve our family.  Well, the induction was underway, I kept notes of things that she wanted me to know for JJ in the future.  You get to know a woman in a unique way when you are with her while laboring.  I just kept trying to focus on loving her and not make her feel that we were there just for JJ.

It got a bit scary.  JJ's heart rate dropped into the 50's.  The physician was called in for an emergency c-section.  I lost it for a brief time but rallied.  When the physician arrived soon thereafter, JJ's birth mom had gone from a 5 to a 10 in 10 minutes (explaining the heart rate drop).  Things happened really fast then.  I was surprised when I was told to hold her leg (the social worker on the other side)...she pushed a few times...and there he was.  Very small (at least to me at 5lbs 4 oz).  Our only child that I got to watch be brought into the world.  It was surreal on many levels and my thoughts and emotions were NOT what I would have expected them to be.  We got to go back with him to watch him be washed up, etc.  Unfortunately, JJ spit up most of his milk, they changed formula's several times, he was becoming jaundiced, I didn't get to stay with him in the hospital to help get food into him (having flashbacks to Beautiful also not eating well initially, thus increasing my anxiety), and his birth mom was more interested in grieving over his loss than getting food into him (COMPLETELY understandable, but anxiety provoking none-the-less).

In Utah the birth mom signs the relinquishment papers when the baby is 24 hours old and it is irrevocable. Also, the birth mother has a choice to not name the birth father and his rights can be terminated on (unlike our state where huge efforts have to be made to find the birth father - such as what caused the problem with Rose - but I digress).  Some people are very upset about Utah's laws and how it is unfair to the birth father (the birth father has 3 weeks to petition to a judge that he emotionally and financially supported the birth mom during the pregnancy in order to retain his rights) but I think they are just in situations such as JJ's.  If we were to adopt via an agency adoption again, we would definitely chose Utah, and chose Heart to Heart Adoptions in Sandy, UT.  They were absolutely fabulous.

Wednesday she signed the paperwork.

Thursday we showed up to have JJ discharged to us and warned about all of the medical issues given him not eating well.  We may have to stay in state longer, etc.  We decided we just needed to get him home to our physician and our home.  The paperwork went to a judge and we could not leave the state until he signed the papers.  The government doesn't (didn't) work Fridays so it was that day or wait until Monday.  We were told by our own state's contacts that when they got the Interstate Compact paperwork the next day after Utah signed it, they would sign it right away...if they were in the office.  We legally could not leave Utah until Utah's judge signed the papers...we could then go to any state except ours until our state signed the paperwork (makes sense...right?).  We sat on the Utah border until RIGHT at 5:00 on Thursday when we finally got the approval to leave Utah.  The next day we got 1 hour from our state's border when we got the call that our state approved us.  We were so happy (and EXHAUSTED) when we got home late Friday night.

We were chosen by his birth mom on Friday...and came home with JJ the following Friday.  It was crazy.  As many of you know, his eating issues continued, I ended up having to nurse him until 15 months to deal with the problems, and today he continues to be a very finicky eater (who insists that we feed him because he does not like dirty hands - very goofy kid!  But that is for another blog post:) who is finally gaining weight.

Anyway...Today he is THREE!!!!

This 3rd birthday is special to our family because...it is the first birthday that we have had all of our children. Superman was the oldest child to come to us.  He was here for just the weekend before he turned 3, left for a week while the judge signed paperwork, and came back 3 days after his birthday.  He was 4 1/2 before the adoption was done, but we had him "technically" at age 3.  These anniversary dates get me to remembering, most of the time making me rather sad and circumspect, such as the post a couple of months ago about JJ being the same age Superman was the last time he (and Faith) saw his birth mom and was finally permanently removed after being in the "system" for just shy of 2 years...

So, some reminiscing about our other kids...

When Beautiful turned 3 she was still an only child.  Therefore, she was the one who we had high expectations of, pushed and prodded, and made a ton of mistakes with (not that we have quit making mistakes!)  We were so naive and "green" about parenting.  I can remember reading the checklists of "what to expect the first year" books and making sure every month that she could do what they said, or cajoling her to do them.  By the time we got to kid 3 I didn't even own the books anymore lol!  They will get it when they get it...or they won't.  We thought she was perfect and our threesome was a cohesive unit.

When Buddy turned 3 he was such a card, he kept us laughing with his antics and joy about life.  We had mellowed out a bit about parenting.  He was also MUCH more laid back in personality than Beautiful.  He was quiet (he still didn't speak at age 3) compared to Beautiful's desire to talk (which she did early and well), and enjoyed being alone compared to Beautiful's social butterfly personality.  Not too much got him worked up at that age, whereas his sister was a bit more...ummm...sensitive. It was clear early on that he watched and thought through things whereas his sister preferred to jump into experiencing them. They were a good balance.  It was pretty easy to have him join our family and make us a foursome.  We were done having kids.  A son and a daughter.  Family of four.  We got saved right before Buddy was born.  God had other plans for our family... as usually happens when we finally submit to His better plan over our "logical" one;)

When Superman turned 3, Faith and Grace were still 2 (in fact, Faith was 3 weeks from turning 2).  However, that entire time frame, for years, is a blur.  3 toddlers essentially the same age, one being already clearly very ADHD, 2 having been through "tough stuff" was mind numbing for us.  I am glad that I took a lot of pictures because I sure don't remember many things with clarity except, quite honestly, the really hard and bad stuff.  Superman was extremely articulate at age 3, Faith was too withdrawn to talk much at all, and Grace...well Grace never stops talking...ever.  Superman and Faith were very withdrawn in their behaviors...Grace was never withdrawn (oddly enough, that has changed a bit with age).  They were 4 and 5 when JJ came...  JJ restored our faith in adoption.  He has been such a balm for our hearts from the yuck of realities of kids coming from hard places and from the frustrations of HHS adoptions...even though he brings his own "stuff" to the family (like each of us do:)

At age 3 JJ is fun, attached (very), spirited, and opinionated.  He is very unique in that he is very, very reserved and fearful around strangers/crowds yet engages with total abandon with those with whom he feels safe.  He is capable of being more independent in many areas (and insists on it frequently!), while in others insists on dependency (e.g. I have to put him to sleep, he won't go to others so won't attend nursery/Sunday School/ etc, and he won't feed himself because he doesn't like sticky fingers!).  He tries to talk but is rarely understood except by family and only in context of a situation.  He is an interesting mixture of the personalities and behaviors of each of our other kids.

So, now that JJ is 3, life is much more mellow...and enjoyable (yes, EVEN with 2 teenagers in the house lol!).  The 3 can now do many things for themselves (this summer they are finally trusted enough to be able to shower themselves - it may sound silly but I cannot tell you how much of a stress/time reliever it is to not have to bathe 3 kids (well, 5 total I guess lol!).  We have a routine that more or less keeps us sane.  We have learned about "management" of many of the behaviors that we just need to accept instead of living in perpetual frustration that the behaviors don't just "go away."  We finally feel the energy and motivation to move past "survival of" to "enjoying" life again.

So, JJ turning 3 means that we are finally moving "forward."  We are getting out of "baby" stage.  It is a sweet time that from here on out we have had each of our kids and have memories of each of them at "this stage."  No regretting that we have no baby pictures of another child at "this age."  No wondering what another child was experiencing while not with us at "this age."  No sadness that "if only XX would have had a better home at "this age" then maybe we wouldn't have to deal with ZZ behavior."  We are moving...forward:)

but...if we do get to adopt Rose...I'd be happy to go through it all again!!!