We dropped Grace off at the facility last Wednesday. It was a hard day, but it went better than I had expected that it would. Thank you all for your prayers for her and for our family!
I am going to try to write about each week of this journey. I want to be very intentional about our healing during this time and not just move on with life. We very much feel that for the past decade Hurricane Grace has battered our family/ship and we have been in survival mode. Now that she is gone we are looking around and realizing how much damage, repairs, and updating that our ship needs. It is daunting task. We have defined our life by Grace's behavior on what we can and can't do for so long that now that the hurricane is gone we have sat stunned by the calm and trying to figure out how to best move forward. We could avoid the damage and just carry on. We could get into task mode and just work on fixing "things." Or we could be intentional about repairing the structures of our boat - which we see as the relationships and dynamics of our family members. Saturday my husband and I had the opportunity for a few hours of drive time alone (really the only time we ever get for uninterrupted conversation lol) and we talked through some goals we want to reach and how to start working on those goals for our family. We did devotions and spent time in the Word trying to identify big picture goals. We have set our heading and now are trying to get in working order so we can move forward.
Admittedly, though, that is hard. We feel shock from her being gone, guilt that we like the calm of her being gone, overwhelmed from the reality of what repairs need to be done physically and relationally, and some resentment over how bad things are.
The days leading up to Grace leaving we spent watching movies, our favorite TV shows, eating her favorite meals, and snuggling. We wanted to be sure that she knew that going to treatment was not a discipline or punishment, but a needed opportunity to help her in ways that clearly we cannot do at home. She was pretty emotional about it and did not want to talk about it with us or with others. She, like many people, is a master of avoiding real issues. While I believe those days were necessary for our relationship with Grace, doing those things affected the other kids in a negative way. I think from their perspective they saw "Grace has to leave the house due to her choices" and "mom and dad are crying, sad and giving her everything she wants for these 3 days" was difficult for them to reconcile. I do not know how we could have done it differently though:(
All of us have struggled. JJ was initially more rageful and angry than usual. He had slept through the night since February - and then didn't sleep through the night in his own bed for a week. He has for the past 2 days though - yay!! His anxiety is very high (and I am very tired!!). Faith has withdrawn and been more emotional. We have had some pretty hard conversations with her and she has surprised me some with how she is processing this. Superman has been working overtime in his "peacekeeper" role in our family joking and trying to keep people laughing. Beautiful has been both heartbroken herself and has been trying hard to connect with and sooth my heart - as well as Grace's in phone calls. Even our emotionally level "lets be logical about everything" Buddy has felt the discord and gave Grace a pep talk before she left about learning what she needs to so that she can come home soon. He even gave her a hug!! Everyone in our family knows that Buddy doesn't touch anyone (although he does enjoy a good wrestle with the boys and will be very physically playful and hold his niece and nephew;).
My husband and I? We are the ones who had to make the decision so there is the burden of knowing we made this hard decision, and the relief of knowing that she is in the right place.
I think that all of us are struggling internally with the utter relief of having a peaceful home for the first time in 13 years. And then feeling guilty that we are relieved because that means that one of our own isn't at home. I am still triggering many times a day. First thing in the morning, after school, and bedtime were the worst times of the day so I find that I am "preparing" my mind for those times and then remind myself that I don't have to. Every time someone mentions "when Grace comes back" we all stand around and look at each other afraid to hope it may actually be better and afraid that we will get the reprieve just to get hit by another storm again.
My body is really sore. I finally figured out that I am always holding my body so tense preparing for the next wave of the hurricane that now that I don't have to I hurt. Several times I day I practice relaxing my muscles. I had no idea how much tension I was constantly holding. Also, my blood pressure got to its highest point about a month ago and is now back to normal:)
Grace is allowed 1 phone call in a day and one phone call out. So we talk to her 1-2 times a day (depending on if she calls us or Beautiful for her phone call). The first 3 days were tough. She cried and begged us to come and get her. She kept insisting that the program wasn't the right one for her. Finally on Friday I told her that the program was excellent and it wasn't about the program being "right" for her, but that she was responsible for working the program. I told her it was the very last option and she had a choice if she was going to make it work or not. Saturday and Sunday the phone calls were more mature. In fact, Saturday I had the most mature conversation with her - ever. She actually took ownership for her behavior and didn't blame it on someone else. Hallelujah Jesus!!!
I don't know what the future holds but we are trying to set our goals, focus on what is most important, restore and rebuild/build healthier relationships and dynamics within the family, and trust that God will work it all out in the end. We are so thankful for the support and encouragement of so many people!
Showing posts with label RAD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RAD. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 9, 2019
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
When "yes" is Bittersweet
Friday, after 6 weeks of waiting, we were told "yes." I do not know if I have ever had a "yes" be so bittersweet.
I am not really even sure what my thought process is and I am struggling to slow down my thoughts and rein in my emotions enough to even know how to answer the questions "how are you doing" and "how can we help" when we are asked.
Grace has been accepted to the residential program that we applied to 6 weeks ago. She leaves tomorrow. Tomorrow.
On the one hand I am so hopeful that she may finally get the help that she needs after we have exhausted every other option available and known to us. On the other hand I am so broken hearted that she will not be here with us for, most likely, quite a while.
On the one hand I am so frustrated that it took 6 weeks to get the approval. On the other hand I know I needed the 6 weeks to really know that she needed to get this level of treatment or I may have backed out - to Grace's and our family's detriment.
On the one hand I am emotional and sad that she has to leave for a time to get help. On the other hand I am, quite honestly, so angry that she has to leave for a time to get help. Why couldn't she get better while saying with us?
On the one hand she sobs in my arms upset that she has to go. On the other hand she will not stop doing the things she does and now has left us no choice - despite being told for the past 2 years that this was the path she was on.
On the one hand I have so very many thoughts and emotions that need to be sorted. On the other hand I just can't...
Ironically I have thought of when JJ was born. It was such an incredibly exciting time for us to adopt him. I loved getting to know his birth mom briefly in the hospital and to get to take pictures of them together for him to have. I remember being confused why she wouldn't smile for the pictures with him - shouldn't she want to have smiling pictures for him? After we got home though I realized what a short-sighted fool I was. Yes, it was a joyous day for us. But it was a very bittersweet time for her. She was giving her son the hope for a future knowing she couldn't do it herself. But that meant that she couldn't do it with him. A choice that required her to trust God and us to provide everything that he needed without any direction from her. Exactly what we are facing right now.
I am also wondering if the day we had to hand Superman and Faith's little sister back to HHS after we were told we couldn't adopt her since closer biological family was found (to date the worst day of my life) will rank easier or harder than walking out of that facility with out Grace on tomorrow.
Just because someone is making the right and necessary decision does not mean that it is a joy filled or easy one.
Thank you for walking this journey with us. Thank you for caring enough to check the update on how this process is going. Thank you for not judging us.
Please pray for Grace. Pray for them to get to the heart of the real issue and have the wisdom and finesse to address it effectively. Pray that she does not feel abandoned by us for making this decision. Please pray for her safety. She is so naive and immature we are all so worried that she will be taken advantage of by others.
Also pray for the rest of our family as we transition. It is hard on all of us. Last night as Grace hugged her big sister and niece and nephew goodbye we are all wondering when they will see her again. Will she get to come home for Bella's birthday? For holidays? We will have to drive there often as the programming requires us as parents to be involved. We are thankful for that but it is a huge time commitment. That takes us away from the other kids too. Throughout the course of this process my husband and I have been on the same page of what needs to happen...but we have also been the most emotionally disconnected that we have been since our first decade of marriage. This situation is taking its toll on us and we need to find time and ways to reconnect. All of us need to find ways to reconnect and find a new normal that is healthy and peaceful. The other kids are acting up as Wednesday approaches. All of our emotions are all over the place and we need to settle.
I guess to sum it up - this is not easy. We finally got the help we have been asking for, but that does not mean that the journey is now smooth and joyous. I am working hard to reframe this situation in my mind as an opportunity and not a tragedy. Sometimes I get there, sometimes not. Your prayers help so please don't forget about us.
I am so thankful for our sovereign and powerful God. Trusting in the Lord...
I am not really even sure what my thought process is and I am struggling to slow down my thoughts and rein in my emotions enough to even know how to answer the questions "how are you doing" and "how can we help" when we are asked.
Grace has been accepted to the residential program that we applied to 6 weeks ago. She leaves tomorrow. Tomorrow.
On the one hand I am so hopeful that she may finally get the help that she needs after we have exhausted every other option available and known to us. On the other hand I am so broken hearted that she will not be here with us for, most likely, quite a while.
On the one hand I am so frustrated that it took 6 weeks to get the approval. On the other hand I know I needed the 6 weeks to really know that she needed to get this level of treatment or I may have backed out - to Grace's and our family's detriment.
On the one hand I am emotional and sad that she has to leave for a time to get help. On the other hand I am, quite honestly, so angry that she has to leave for a time to get help. Why couldn't she get better while saying with us?
On the one hand she sobs in my arms upset that she has to go. On the other hand she will not stop doing the things she does and now has left us no choice - despite being told for the past 2 years that this was the path she was on.
On the one hand I have so very many thoughts and emotions that need to be sorted. On the other hand I just can't...
Ironically I have thought of when JJ was born. It was such an incredibly exciting time for us to adopt him. I loved getting to know his birth mom briefly in the hospital and to get to take pictures of them together for him to have. I remember being confused why she wouldn't smile for the pictures with him - shouldn't she want to have smiling pictures for him? After we got home though I realized what a short-sighted fool I was. Yes, it was a joyous day for us. But it was a very bittersweet time for her. She was giving her son the hope for a future knowing she couldn't do it herself. But that meant that she couldn't do it with him. A choice that required her to trust God and us to provide everything that he needed without any direction from her. Exactly what we are facing right now.
I am also wondering if the day we had to hand Superman and Faith's little sister back to HHS after we were told we couldn't adopt her since closer biological family was found (to date the worst day of my life) will rank easier or harder than walking out of that facility with out Grace on tomorrow.
Just because someone is making the right and necessary decision does not mean that it is a joy filled or easy one.
Thank you for walking this journey with us. Thank you for caring enough to check the update on how this process is going. Thank you for not judging us.
Please pray for Grace. Pray for them to get to the heart of the real issue and have the wisdom and finesse to address it effectively. Pray that she does not feel abandoned by us for making this decision. Please pray for her safety. She is so naive and immature we are all so worried that she will be taken advantage of by others.
Also pray for the rest of our family as we transition. It is hard on all of us. Last night as Grace hugged her big sister and niece and nephew goodbye we are all wondering when they will see her again. Will she get to come home for Bella's birthday? For holidays? We will have to drive there often as the programming requires us as parents to be involved. We are thankful for that but it is a huge time commitment. That takes us away from the other kids too. Throughout the course of this process my husband and I have been on the same page of what needs to happen...but we have also been the most emotionally disconnected that we have been since our first decade of marriage. This situation is taking its toll on us and we need to find time and ways to reconnect. All of us need to find ways to reconnect and find a new normal that is healthy and peaceful. The other kids are acting up as Wednesday approaches. All of our emotions are all over the place and we need to settle.
I guess to sum it up - this is not easy. We finally got the help we have been asking for, but that does not mean that the journey is now smooth and joyous. I am working hard to reframe this situation in my mind as an opportunity and not a tragedy. Sometimes I get there, sometimes not. Your prayers help so please don't forget about us.
I am so thankful for our sovereign and powerful God. Trusting in the Lord...
Friday, August 16, 2019
Lessons in waiting, rejection, and waiting again...
We had the interview for the long term residential program last week. We were told that we would be notified by Friday afternoon one way or the other. We were not. It was a very hard weekend not knowing what was going to happen. To be standing at a crossroads, not entirely committed in my heart to either road, and not having answers to make the decision was very hard on me. My health has been affected by this long-term stress in not great ways. I am having to be intentional about how to handle the bodily stress in healthy ways while still living with the reality of the stressful situations. The help we are getting in respite from our friends, reading, talking honestly about our situation, exercise, healthy eating, time in the Word, prayer, (and my "me" time getting to enjoy our hot tub ideally without interruptions by disgruntled children lol) are all helping.
The weekend was really difficult. I have learned that I need a Sunday nap. I really, really need it. My whole family knows that we plan nothing for Sunday, no one comes over, no one gets hauled anywhere, it is just down time. A sabbath. And I take a nap. It is the only time of the week when I actually get to sleep without worrying about a kid. My husband is awake and dealing with them so I don't have to keep an "ear" out for them. It is the deepest sleep I get all week. 1-2 hours of real sleep. Except that for the past 2 Sundays I laid there for 2 hours trying to sleep, even took the sleep spray that puts Grace and JJ to sleep, and still my brain spun with "what are we going to do?!?!?" So I spent the time praying and surrendering it all to God. I was so worried that Grace's problems wouldn't be seen as significant enough for anyone to help us. I was worried the people would say that we are being dramatic about asking for help saying "she is just 13" and they wouldn't help us. If so, then what?
Monday - no information.
Tuesday - we were informed that Grace was denied for the program. But not for the reason that I worried about. She was denied because her behavior is too extreme for their program. On the one hand that was very frustrating and I went back to "now what?!" I finally asked for help and now I am being told no. On the other hand it was validating to know that her behavior is, in fact, as disruptive as we think it is. It is not just that she is "a 13 year old girl."
What is next? There are different levels of treatment at the agency we are looking at, depending on need. We had applied to a 12-15ish month residential program where she would be living family style with 7 other same gendered kids ages 10 -18, going to school, having structure and rules, consequences and rewards, etc. The next level of treatment would be more of a therapeutic group home. Above that is Residential Treatment Center which is a locked hospital like setting where kids stay 60-90 days and are provided with structure, supervision, school, and therapy. Then there is the psych hospital setting that most people think of where a person goes in if they are imminently suicidal/homicidal, meds are adjusted, coping skills are taught, and they are back home in around a week maybe helped, maybe not (I deal with this a lot in my work). An application has been submitted to a Residential Treatment Center since that is what was recommended by the person who turned Grace down for their program, and now we are back to...waiting...
I have a lot of peace about where the process is right now. I think that I needed the weekend to really come to grips with accepting that this was really happening. To accept that this is really what Grace needs and not have guilt over it. Most people have been overwhelming supportive of us in this process. There have really only been 2 people who have vocalized any dissent. I am thankful for that. My thoughts are that until a person has lived in our shoes and understands, then that person needs to keep his/her comments to his/herself unless s/he is truly trying to understand.
In the mean time she has had a pretty good week. I think that after the interview last week the reality of what is being considered is really making her aware of where her choices have gotten her. School started yesterday and normally mornings are a nightmare. But she had two good mornings. Two consecutive mornings. I am learning to accept those gifts when they come:) I decided yesterday that I would sit down when they started eating breakfast and read devotions until they have to brush their teeth and get in the car to go. That way I am trying to help them get their thoughts focused correctly, and I am minimizing the chance of them fighting while still in the house since I am not allowing them to talk lol! Maybe it will only last 2 days, but 2 days is more than 0:) This morning she was really trying to fight but allowed me to shut it down. That is progress:)
Another piece of this that would have been talked about for sure in my Gaslighting post is that we have not one, but 2 daughters with RAD. It has been a toss up depending on the day on which daughter needed to be considered for a higher level of treatment. Faith meets the criteria for going to the long term program. She has improved over the summer. However, school is a HUGE temptation for her as she gets so many more freedoms than at home. Now that school has resumed we will wait and see if she was just biding her time or not. Interestingly we had 3 different people ask us last week "why did you send in the application for Grace and not Faith?" Grace's behavior rules our house and every outing we make but she keeps it in the family. Faith's behavior happens out in public where others witness it and are hurt by it.
So, she has been informed that if she does any of the behavior at school she has done in the past 2 years that her application will be going in. She is less than excited...
Often I say to myself, "I must be horrible at this parenting thing since I have 2 daughters so out of control!" Then I remind myself that I have raised 2 kids to adulthood who are doing well, and I have 2 sons that are doing fine. I can't control their choices. I can't control what they believe about themselves and the world. I can't really control anything lol!
It is that letting go that I have really settled into the past few days. I know in part it is due to your prayers. Wednesday I finally got that nap I so desperately needed. My brain finally slowed down enough to let me sleep. It seemed to reset my brain as I am now in a "it will all work out" mindset. Before that, well, let's just say that my husband was giving me not so subtle hints that I was losing my mind before that;)
Tonight we are all going out for supper for JJ's birthday. Well, the 4 youngest kids and my husband and I. I am stressed about how Grace will do and if she will...do what she does. Normally I would say, "uh, let's see if she can stay home with Buddy and get to bed on time" or "I wonder if someone can keep for her until bedtime." But, we are going to try it. I literally get nauseated every time I think of going somewhere with her in a vehicle when we can't get home in 15 minutes if the situation goes south. But, we will try it. Hope springs eternal, right?;)
The weekend was really difficult. I have learned that I need a Sunday nap. I really, really need it. My whole family knows that we plan nothing for Sunday, no one comes over, no one gets hauled anywhere, it is just down time. A sabbath. And I take a nap. It is the only time of the week when I actually get to sleep without worrying about a kid. My husband is awake and dealing with them so I don't have to keep an "ear" out for them. It is the deepest sleep I get all week. 1-2 hours of real sleep. Except that for the past 2 Sundays I laid there for 2 hours trying to sleep, even took the sleep spray that puts Grace and JJ to sleep, and still my brain spun with "what are we going to do?!?!?" So I spent the time praying and surrendering it all to God. I was so worried that Grace's problems wouldn't be seen as significant enough for anyone to help us. I was worried the people would say that we are being dramatic about asking for help saying "she is just 13" and they wouldn't help us. If so, then what?
Monday - no information.
Tuesday - we were informed that Grace was denied for the program. But not for the reason that I worried about. She was denied because her behavior is too extreme for their program. On the one hand that was very frustrating and I went back to "now what?!" I finally asked for help and now I am being told no. On the other hand it was validating to know that her behavior is, in fact, as disruptive as we think it is. It is not just that she is "a 13 year old girl."
What is next? There are different levels of treatment at the agency we are looking at, depending on need. We had applied to a 12-15ish month residential program where she would be living family style with 7 other same gendered kids ages 10 -18, going to school, having structure and rules, consequences and rewards, etc. The next level of treatment would be more of a therapeutic group home. Above that is Residential Treatment Center which is a locked hospital like setting where kids stay 60-90 days and are provided with structure, supervision, school, and therapy. Then there is the psych hospital setting that most people think of where a person goes in if they are imminently suicidal/homicidal, meds are adjusted, coping skills are taught, and they are back home in around a week maybe helped, maybe not (I deal with this a lot in my work). An application has been submitted to a Residential Treatment Center since that is what was recommended by the person who turned Grace down for their program, and now we are back to...waiting...
I have a lot of peace about where the process is right now. I think that I needed the weekend to really come to grips with accepting that this was really happening. To accept that this is really what Grace needs and not have guilt over it. Most people have been overwhelming supportive of us in this process. There have really only been 2 people who have vocalized any dissent. I am thankful for that. My thoughts are that until a person has lived in our shoes and understands, then that person needs to keep his/her comments to his/herself unless s/he is truly trying to understand.
In the mean time she has had a pretty good week. I think that after the interview last week the reality of what is being considered is really making her aware of where her choices have gotten her. School started yesterday and normally mornings are a nightmare. But she had two good mornings. Two consecutive mornings. I am learning to accept those gifts when they come:) I decided yesterday that I would sit down when they started eating breakfast and read devotions until they have to brush their teeth and get in the car to go. That way I am trying to help them get their thoughts focused correctly, and I am minimizing the chance of them fighting while still in the house since I am not allowing them to talk lol! Maybe it will only last 2 days, but 2 days is more than 0:) This morning she was really trying to fight but allowed me to shut it down. That is progress:)
Another piece of this that would have been talked about for sure in my Gaslighting post is that we have not one, but 2 daughters with RAD. It has been a toss up depending on the day on which daughter needed to be considered for a higher level of treatment. Faith meets the criteria for going to the long term program. She has improved over the summer. However, school is a HUGE temptation for her as she gets so many more freedoms than at home. Now that school has resumed we will wait and see if she was just biding her time or not. Interestingly we had 3 different people ask us last week "why did you send in the application for Grace and not Faith?" Grace's behavior rules our house and every outing we make but she keeps it in the family. Faith's behavior happens out in public where others witness it and are hurt by it.
So, she has been informed that if she does any of the behavior at school she has done in the past 2 years that her application will be going in. She is less than excited...
Often I say to myself, "I must be horrible at this parenting thing since I have 2 daughters so out of control!" Then I remind myself that I have raised 2 kids to adulthood who are doing well, and I have 2 sons that are doing fine. I can't control their choices. I can't control what they believe about themselves and the world. I can't really control anything lol!
It is that letting go that I have really settled into the past few days. I know in part it is due to your prayers. Wednesday I finally got that nap I so desperately needed. My brain finally slowed down enough to let me sleep. It seemed to reset my brain as I am now in a "it will all work out" mindset. Before that, well, let's just say that my husband was giving me not so subtle hints that I was losing my mind before that;)
Tonight we are all going out for supper for JJ's birthday. Well, the 4 youngest kids and my husband and I. I am stressed about how Grace will do and if she will...do what she does. Normally I would say, "uh, let's see if she can stay home with Buddy and get to bed on time" or "I wonder if someone can keep for her until bedtime." But, we are going to try it. I literally get nauseated every time I think of going somewhere with her in a vehicle when we can't get home in 15 minutes if the situation goes south. But, we will try it. Hope springs eternal, right?;)
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Living with RAD: The Realities of Gaslighting
This has been a very dark time for our family. I have felt like my brain was a box of 5000 puzzle pieces and I could not get even 2 pieces fit together. In the past several days I have been able to finally articulate some of the issues, with the support of faithful friends, and have been processing the way I do best - writing it down and revising it over and over and over. It helps me "put the pieces together" in a way that I cannot do otherwise. I certainly do not have the entire puzzle put together. So in that way this writing is a point in time of a process so please remember that when reading. We are by no means at any end point. This post is long, I debated about posting it at all, but I am again choosing to be vulnerable and raw about our life. I am not looking for pity. I am not looking to be dramatic. I am not looking to disparage my children. I know that I am not the only parent of kids with RAD and I want to let them know they are not alone, and perhaps others who know of families that have kids who have RAD symptoms can get a better idea of what it like for that struggling family.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The diagnosis that no adoptive parent wants to hear, much less experience with their child. A diagnosis that feels hopeless when it is uttered, much less experienced. It is like cancer in the medical field: extraordinarily difficult to treat, permeates every single aspect of one's life, and leaves the many involved parties forever changed - usually in not so positive ways.
The official symptoms of RAD are:
A. A consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward adult caregivers, manifested by both of the following:
- The child rarely or minimally seeks comfort when distressed.
- The child rarely or minimally responds to comfort when distressed.
B. A persistent social or emotional disturbance characterized by at least two of the following:
- Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others
- Limited positive affect
- Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during nonthreatening interactions with adult caregivers.
Can I just say that when one is actually living with someone with RAD these symptoms do not even come close to encompassing what it is actually like or all of the ways that a child with RAD actually acts? And each child will look differently in how this manifests. If I were writing the diagnosis I may say something like:
1) child will run hot and cold with verbal and physical kindness. Cold meaning that you feel like you are living with a brick wall every time you attempt to get close. They get close on their timeline and on their terms.
2) child will present well to everyone outside of the family and they will not believe what you tell them happens in the house
3) You will feel like your head is spinning trying to discern fact from fiction or looking for logic. You will very often think, "you have got to be kidding me."
I can give a hundred examples of all of the ways that this plays out in a child's life, and in the life of the family. However, I am going to focus on one symptom that is (in my opinion as a parent of 2 RAD children) the most exhausting and infuriating, and leads to the most heartache and feelings of helplessness...gaslighting.
A definition "A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity."
"A more psychological definition of gaslighting is "an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.""
"A more psychological definition of gaslighting is "an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.""
Another site says: "True narcissists are not accountable for their own bad behavior. It is common for them to blame others and make it someone else’s fault. They use denial, accusation, misdirection, and lying to throw you off base. You can walk away wondering if it is just your imagination, or if you are sorely mistaken, and it is truly your fault."
Usually gaslighting is referred to in the context of an abusive relationship, often with a narcissist. The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot, but it usually refers to a person who is extraordinarily (pathologically) self-centered - to the exclusion of authentic compassion and empathy for others - or at least if it is experienced that it does not have bearing on the decisions that the person makes that hurt others. I have worked with many women over the years who have suffered crippling effects of partners who engage in gaslighting. The women doubt and second guess every decision and truth they previously thought to be true. Gaslighters are often popular and well liked. They make excellent first impressions and can manipulate others well, especially if they are engaging with one person at at time. They can feed information to that person that they have discerned to be what the person wants to hear, and be believable in presenting that information. So when someone else suggests that a person may be a disingenuous it is met with disbelief and aids in making the person being gaslighted to be even more likely to doubt and second-guess themselves and their perceptions of a situation.
I used to have much empathy for these women (although women can gaslight as well). But I did not really understand the despair and feelings of craziness until recently. That you have information before you, connect the dots to make logical conclusions, then the gaslighter adamantly denies that your conclusions are logical and presents information and possibilities in such a way that you think you must have misjudged, over-reacted, and concluded wrong. It is utterly maddening.
I am living with two children with RAD, and one who is a methodical and well practiced at gas lighting. As a parent, coming to terms with the reality that one's child has RAD is painful enough. A child you have prayed for, longed for, and sacrificially poured into is now rejecting your love. Often these kids will present to the outside world as if they are genuine. Then, as a parent who is dealing with RAD, a huge amount of our time is spent identifying, figuring out, and intervening problem behaviors resulting in the parent's social support system diminishing out of sheer lack of time to spend time with people outside the family. That means that when we finally are vulnerable and share with others about our realities - the people around us judge us for misinterpreting the situation, for being overly harsh or judgmental ourselves toward the child, for having parented "wrong" and it is our fault the symptoms exist, or exaggerating the extent of the symptoms. I cannot tell you how many people I have been real with about the issues with one of our daughters and once they ask how long she has been with us and I reply "since 4 months old" their whole body languages shifts from tentative understanding to judgment (never mind the 19 months of back and forth "reunification attempts" with her bio family).
I am just going to be upfront here and admit that for years (at least 7) these symptoms have been happening in our home, the past 3 years have been bad, the past few months are even worse, and the past 2 weeks have been horrific. To the point where I do not know if our home is the best placement for our daughters. We have gone back and forth about that decision for years, but more frequently lately. What a horrendous decision to have to make!! To have the reality of the situation on one hand remind us that we are clearly not making any progress here war with the reality of "who in the world would send their child away?!?!?! What kind of terrible parent must I be?!?!?" Besides feeling like a monster, there is the crippling effect of feeling like an utter failure. Then, just when I had come to terms with what seemed to be the only option for us to pursue...someone who I have trusted and finally chose to be vulnerable with about our situation said that I had drawn the wrong conclusions and it was essentially my lack of faith in my child that my child was acting this way.
Ouch.
Then I fell into a black dark place of indecision and self-doubt. I decided to just be done. I couldn't do this anymore. I obviously can't draw correct conclusions, I am making it worse, I must be the problem. Doubting myself at every turn. Refusing to make any decisions because it seems I just kept making the wrong ones.
Whoa...
I am living with two children with RAD, and one who is a methodical and well practiced at gas lighting. As a parent, coming to terms with the reality that one's child has RAD is painful enough. A child you have prayed for, longed for, and sacrificially poured into is now rejecting your love. Often these kids will present to the outside world as if they are genuine. Then, as a parent who is dealing with RAD, a huge amount of our time is spent identifying, figuring out, and intervening problem behaviors resulting in the parent's social support system diminishing out of sheer lack of time to spend time with people outside the family. That means that when we finally are vulnerable and share with others about our realities - the people around us judge us for misinterpreting the situation, for being overly harsh or judgmental ourselves toward the child, for having parented "wrong" and it is our fault the symptoms exist, or exaggerating the extent of the symptoms. I cannot tell you how many people I have been real with about the issues with one of our daughters and once they ask how long she has been with us and I reply "since 4 months old" their whole body languages shifts from tentative understanding to judgment (never mind the 19 months of back and forth "reunification attempts" with her bio family).
I am just going to be upfront here and admit that for years (at least 7) these symptoms have been happening in our home, the past 3 years have been bad, the past few months are even worse, and the past 2 weeks have been horrific. To the point where I do not know if our home is the best placement for our daughters. We have gone back and forth about that decision for years, but more frequently lately. What a horrendous decision to have to make!! To have the reality of the situation on one hand remind us that we are clearly not making any progress here war with the reality of "who in the world would send their child away?!?!?! What kind of terrible parent must I be?!?!?" Besides feeling like a monster, there is the crippling effect of feeling like an utter failure. Then, just when I had come to terms with what seemed to be the only option for us to pursue...someone who I have trusted and finally chose to be vulnerable with about our situation said that I had drawn the wrong conclusions and it was essentially my lack of faith in my child that my child was acting this way.
Ouch.
Then I fell into a black dark place of indecision and self-doubt. I decided to just be done. I couldn't do this anymore. I obviously can't draw correct conclusions, I am making it worse, I must be the problem. Doubting myself at every turn. Refusing to make any decisions because it seems I just kept making the wrong ones.
Whoa...
It made me second guess everything. EVERYTHING. Am I doing anything right? Am I drawing any conclusions accurately? What is the truth? What am I supposed to DO!!!??! I have a doctorate degree in clinical psychology. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars in extra specialized training in working with attachment disorders, trauma, etc. But I feel utterly hopeless in dealing with what we deal with in our home.
Both of our daughters have RAD. They trade off on who is actively acting out at a time. When they are both acting out? The rest of life ceases to exist as we attempt to just survive it. It is rare, very rare, that they have simultaneous good days of no blatant behaviors. Structure is the key - with no changes in routine - if we are to have anything that resembles peacefulness. That means that our family lives essentially on lock down. Yesterday I wanted to go to a graduation of a precious friend of mine (well, her son) who I get to talk to less than once a year, and to get to talk to other mom's in that circle of important friends for me. But...I had to stay home to keep routine and regular bedtime. Last week I tried to get outside of the routine and do something "extra." Just a trip to the local park. But it derailed routine and one of our kids had one of the worst rages yet. I even called a shelter to see if they would take her but they were full. So, right now I am terrified to get outside of routine and upset the apple cart. Imagine what this does for the rest of the children?
Anyway, that is not the focus of this post. I am getting distracted by the MANY MANY ways that our life is disrupted by RAD.
So, back to the daughter who is the master at gas lighting. This child has been acting out for years. It is subtle and blatant. It is in all settings. There is no logic behind it. Often her cycle is act out, get caught (eventually), honeymoon period, we think she actually "got it" this time and have hope that she stop her behavior...then it starts all over again, and again, and again, and....yet again. With bigger and bigger behavior each time.
Recently this child did something again. AGAIN. I was sure I knew what the truth was. But then there were just enough pieces of the story that I began to second guess myself AGAIN. This child can lie to a person's face like she is a Hollywood actress on screen. Was I wrong? What kind of a horrible person am I that I am thinking the worse of this person? of MY DAUGHTER! The person who stated that I am wrong for assuming the worst and not giving this child the benefit of the doubt, and that by doubting my daughter I am actually causing her to just give up and not try completely floored me and made me doubt myself at my core.
Anyway, that is not the focus of this post. I am getting distracted by the MANY MANY ways that our life is disrupted by RAD.
So, back to the daughter who is the master at gas lighting. This child has been acting out for years. It is subtle and blatant. It is in all settings. There is no logic behind it. Often her cycle is act out, get caught (eventually), honeymoon period, we think she actually "got it" this time and have hope that she stop her behavior...then it starts all over again, and again, and again, and....yet again. With bigger and bigger behavior each time.
Recently this child did something again. AGAIN. I was sure I knew what the truth was. But then there were just enough pieces of the story that I began to second guess myself AGAIN. This child can lie to a person's face like she is a Hollywood actress on screen. Was I wrong? What kind of a horrible person am I that I am thinking the worse of this person? of MY DAUGHTER! The person who stated that I am wrong for assuming the worst and not giving this child the benefit of the doubt, and that by doubting my daughter I am actually causing her to just give up and not try completely floored me and made me doubt myself at my core.
But then? Then I found out that I WAS RIGHT!!!!! Irrevocably RIGHT! That I had put the dots together accurately and drawn the correct conclusions! There was no more escape from the truth! It was so freeing to know that I had not thought wrong about the situation.
The back and forth and back and forth and back and forth of second guessing myself is exhausting! The constant detective work investigating fact from fiction is making my head spin! I am so tired of this. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be married to someone like this. I am just trying to parent one.
I spent the week of investigating the situation exhausted, numb, angry, wanting to give up. I felt terrible for wanting to give up. I already had been so stressed that I couldn't sleep for the previous weeks, then I spent that week not being able to get enough sleep. I don't have an appetite (although that may not be a bad problem to have right now. I need to lose weight and I now weigh less than I have in a year! Yay! Silver lining!!;) What I usually enjoy, I don't. What I could usually motivate myself to do, I couldn't. I felt trapped. No matter what decision I make it seems like I get backlash. I used to be able to stand up against that because I felt so firm in my conclusions and conviction but the heaviness of all of what we deal with just got to be too much. My kids all walked around and looked at me like I clearly was not ok (I wasn't). Beautiful came over every day (without my asking) to just run interference with her siblings. They all treated me like I was fragile glass that was already half broken.
But a few days ago I forced myself to talk to my accountability partner when all I really wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. Later that afternoon we got the phone call from the school that we were right about our conclusions about the situation. I finally felt like I could emerge from that dark place and choose to fight again. I didn't have to swirl in that place of "what if I am wrong and accusing my child of something they didn't do? What kind of parent does that??!" Then we sought counsel from others who confirmed that we are at a crisis point. A decision has been made on how to proceed with this child. It is the only next step that makes sense. I have to stand firm. I have to move forward on this path even though I will undoubtedly have people who do not understand and will disagree. While I know what the outcome needs to be I am afraid that I won't go about it right and am terrified for our child's future. But I am more terrified for the only logical outcome if my child continues her current choices to their inevitable conclusion. I have told my child that I feel like I am standing on a railroad track with the child as a train with 100 loaded cars barreling toward me faster and faster as I am jumping up and down saying "stop! stop! you are about to crash and burn!!!!!" Yet the train just keeps going faster telling me that I am wrong about my opinion on where the train is headed. I can no longer be the one standing on that track. I need someone else to do that. It makes me feel inadequate and like a failure that I cannot stop this train, but I obviously cannot. I, and my family, will implode if we allow this to continue. So, a decision has been made that others will need to stand on that track. I don't know who, but I am now focused on making that happen.
Essentially RAD is a problem of a lack of trust. I completely understand why these children don't trust. I completely understand why these children are afraid of putting their faith in someone who might let them down. I get it! That is why I have given grace over, and over, and over, and over again. BUT! At what point is enough enough? When I worked in prisons for 9 years I could understand why someone chose the criminal activity, but I certainly did not conclude that the person should not have been held accountable for his/her choices for their harm to society. So why do I keep allowing my daughters to do that to the detriment of our other children, (and to society with some of the behaviors).
I cannot make them trust me. That is the problem in a nutshell. If they don't trust me, they won't respect me. If they won't respect me they won't follow my authority.
Beyond that, if they won't trust God, they won't trust me. If they won't obey God, they won't obey me. When I want to blame myself for the RAD, I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't necessarily rebellion against me, this is rebellion against God. We ALL need to learn that we are not self-sufficient. I get that it is done out of fear but that doesn't make it right. That is very selfish. We need to trust in and lean on God for everything, just like we ask our children to trust and lean on us. We have the choice to refuse to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and our children have the choice to not accept us as their authority .
I am choosing to leave the insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Living with gaslighting is a quagmire of deception and self-doubt. I am thankful that I know Truth and that I have people around me who are praying for me and helping me to see clearly and stand firm. Reminding me that I have done all I can and it is ok. To relinquish my control and let God determine the outcome of the train - He is going to anyway, I just need to get out of the way.
Thankfully we are currently in a honeymoon period. I have informed the children of what is happening. The pressure has been let up briefly. We have had 3 days with relatively little drama (well...kid driven drama at least). We have to jump through a ton of hoops, make many phone calls, and have our life dissected as I am sure that many professionals are also going to not believe us and will second guess us. But, something has to change immediately. If not for the benefit of our daughters (it is their choice), then for the sake of our other children who are also at a breaking point.
If you are an adoptive parent living with RAD, please know you are not alone. If you are someone who knows someone who has a child who likely has RAD, please do not doubt them or second-guess them. Support them. Even if you just say "I can't imagine what this is like for you but I am here" do that. If they can't find time to spend with you because of their reality, don't give up on them, pray for them, and give them encouragement. You may be an important part of their life-line that keeps them sane on their journey.
Essentially RAD is a problem of a lack of trust. I completely understand why these children don't trust. I completely understand why these children are afraid of putting their faith in someone who might let them down. I get it! That is why I have given grace over, and over, and over, and over again. BUT! At what point is enough enough? When I worked in prisons for 9 years I could understand why someone chose the criminal activity, but I certainly did not conclude that the person should not have been held accountable for his/her choices for their harm to society. So why do I keep allowing my daughters to do that to the detriment of our other children, (and to society with some of the behaviors).
I cannot make them trust me. That is the problem in a nutshell. If they don't trust me, they won't respect me. If they won't respect me they won't follow my authority.
Beyond that, if they won't trust God, they won't trust me. If they won't obey God, they won't obey me. When I want to blame myself for the RAD, I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't necessarily rebellion against me, this is rebellion against God. We ALL need to learn that we are not self-sufficient. I get that it is done out of fear but that doesn't make it right. That is very selfish. We need to trust in and lean on God for everything, just like we ask our children to trust and lean on us. We have the choice to refuse to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and our children have the choice to not accept us as their authority .
I am choosing to leave the insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Living with gaslighting is a quagmire of deception and self-doubt. I am thankful that I know Truth and that I have people around me who are praying for me and helping me to see clearly and stand firm. Reminding me that I have done all I can and it is ok. To relinquish my control and let God determine the outcome of the train - He is going to anyway, I just need to get out of the way.
Thankfully we are currently in a honeymoon period. I have informed the children of what is happening. The pressure has been let up briefly. We have had 3 days with relatively little drama (well...kid driven drama at least). We have to jump through a ton of hoops, make many phone calls, and have our life dissected as I am sure that many professionals are also going to not believe us and will second guess us. But, something has to change immediately. If not for the benefit of our daughters (it is their choice), then for the sake of our other children who are also at a breaking point.
If you are an adoptive parent living with RAD, please know you are not alone. If you are someone who knows someone who has a child who likely has RAD, please do not doubt them or second-guess them. Support them. Even if you just say "I can't imagine what this is like for you but I am here" do that. If they can't find time to spend with you because of their reality, don't give up on them, pray for them, and give them encouragement. You may be an important part of their life-line that keeps them sane on their journey.
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
A diagnosis and a plan...
Yesterday we had the appointment with the Pediatric Nurse Practitioner who specializes in pediatric mental health. She was wonderful. She took the time to really hear our concerns and asked very relevant questions. I felt like she was present with us in the room and not just trying to get to her next appointment. She spent a whole hour with us.
She agreed with the diagnosis of ADHD (obviously). She also talked about RAD. As completely weird as that sounds it made me hurt to hear her verbalize that. But she also talked about another diagnosis that, as odd that this sounds, gave me relief.
She believed us. As scary as this diagnosis could be, it was huge validation that we are not just raising a difficult kid, it is not our fault that she is acting this way, and we are not making a big deal out of nothing. It is something. It is a big something.
In the mental health field there is a book that has been revised many times called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). It is what we use to diagnose mental health conditions. It is controversial and many many mental health professionals all want their research to be used or to prove that their viewpoint is better than someone elses. The current revision is the DSM-5. A lot of people are unhappy with this revision, but one good change (in my opinion) was the expansion of the Bipolar Disorder category. It used to be that "everyone" was diagnosed ADHD. Then "everyone" was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. A lot of people felt they were "garbage can" diagnoses for what didn't fit elsewhere. The DSM-5 revision expanded created a new category that I am much more comfortable with for those kids who don't meet full criteria for bipolar disorder, but also have behavior that is "more" than "just" ADHD.
Behavior that is exactly what we deal with in this house.
Tucked away in some research that I read about it, it says that:
"The SMD group had very high rates (≥85%) of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD) over the lifetime"
SMD (Severe Mood Dysregulation) is just the name the research group put on it, it isn't the name of the actual diagnosis as it is currently listed in the DSM-5. But it clearly captures that kids in this category also have a very high likelihood of having the symptoms of ADHD and ODD too, like Grace does. Some researchers argue that it isn't actually any different than "just ADHD and ODD" and therefore there should not actually a new category. But obviously enough argued that it is enough different that it was included in the revision.
Unfortunately, because DMDD is such a new category (only several years old), there isn't a ton of research about it. Especially research on successful treatments. But she was started on a new med and that med has been around for a long time with good clinical trials and results. It remains to be seen if it helps this disorder well or not.
But at the end of the day, I am thankful for a clinician who took the time to hear us. I am thankful that the clinician is hopeful that the medication can mediate the extreme mood swings and constant irritability that she has. I am thankful that there is a medication at all that can be an option other than "just live with it." I am thankful that yesterday, this morning, and tonight's bedtime Grace did well, even with a lot of situations that were outside of her control and routine. She starts therapy on Thursday. We shall see how that goes. It will be very, very weird for me to be on the "other" side of the counseling table lol!
*******
Yesterday we had a pretty good day together, just the 4 of us. Since we had to drive a couple of hours to the appointment we stopped at the Cabela's there and my husband got to pick up some items he had ordered. I played the shooting game with the kids;) Then after the appointment we went to Red Lobster as JJ wanted "big shrimp." He has been asking for "big shrimp" for a few weeks. I cannot believe how much he likes shrimp lol! Grace tried a bite...then spit it out lol!
We rushed home to get to Grace's Christmas concert for school. We had some items we had to get at Walmart. JJ had a tantrum leaving the store (due to the rushing) and we didn't have time to deal with it due to the rush so it got hairy (I am more than a little scared that many of JJ's behaviors are just like Grace's - except he clearly does not have ADHD. I really hope he doesn't have DMDD too...). I got Grace there 45 minutes before the concert like I was supposed to, and waited in the car until closer to the concert to go inside. She came out crying and said that since she missed school they would not let her participate in the concert. She was hysterical. Hysterical. I was livid. How in the world can taking a child to a psychiatrist office mean they can't participate in a school concert? This appointment was a big factor in whether or not the child even remain in our home and still attend the school. How was it that when we told the school she would be gone, that when the teachers all handed her the slip with her homework on it since she would be missing a day, that NOT A SINGLE PERSON told us that she couldn't attend the concert? We had the option of this appointment or one in February, so obviously we were going to take the first appointment available (who looks at a calendar to see if their kid has a school concert when making psychiatric appointments?!?!). It was a total reminder of why we started homeschooling in the first place (opposed to a school board decision when Beautiful was to start kindergarten...) But, if we would have known ahead of time we wouldn't have rushed home (and would have avoided JJ's meltdown. I was shocked I didn't have to carry him out of the store - only my fear that security would have thought I was stealing him kept me from doing it - at least as he was chasing me and hitting me they knew he was coming willingly...) and would have avoided Grace's meltdown. Ha. Meltdown. Their tantrums are soooo much bigger than a "meltdown." Anyway. It is over now. Done venting. We will be better prepared next time.
Deep Breath...
However, amazingly, I got her calmed down within 30 minutes and held her while we drank hot chocolate and watched a movie together. Half way through the movie she said "this is better than the concert" lol! She went to bed (with her new meds) later than usual but didn't have any problems. This morning she actually said, "I am in a good mood." She was surprised that she felt good - and I was elated at a drama free morning!!! She also had a good bedtime tonight. 2 consecutive mornings and bedtimes is as rare as a unicorn. The meds should take full effect within 2 weeks - just in time for Christmas break. Praise God!!!!!
Thanks again for the support and prayers. They are tangibly felt and MUCH appreciated!!
She agreed with the diagnosis of ADHD (obviously). She also talked about RAD. As completely weird as that sounds it made me hurt to hear her verbalize that. But she also talked about another diagnosis that, as odd that this sounds, gave me relief.
She believed us. As scary as this diagnosis could be, it was huge validation that we are not just raising a difficult kid, it is not our fault that she is acting this way, and we are not making a big deal out of nothing. It is something. It is a big something.
In the mental health field there is a book that has been revised many times called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). It is what we use to diagnose mental health conditions. It is controversial and many many mental health professionals all want their research to be used or to prove that their viewpoint is better than someone elses. The current revision is the DSM-5. A lot of people are unhappy with this revision, but one good change (in my opinion) was the expansion of the Bipolar Disorder category. It used to be that "everyone" was diagnosed ADHD. Then "everyone" was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. A lot of people felt they were "garbage can" diagnoses for what didn't fit elsewhere. The DSM-5 revision expanded created a new category that I am much more comfortable with for those kids who don't meet full criteria for bipolar disorder, but also have behavior that is "more" than "just" ADHD.
Behavior that is exactly what we deal with in this house.
Tucked away in some research that I read about it, it says that:
"The SMD group had very high rates (≥85%) of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD) over the lifetime"
SMD (Severe Mood Dysregulation) is just the name the research group put on it, it isn't the name of the actual diagnosis as it is currently listed in the DSM-5. But it clearly captures that kids in this category also have a very high likelihood of having the symptoms of ADHD and ODD too, like Grace does. Some researchers argue that it isn't actually any different than "just ADHD and ODD" and therefore there should not actually a new category. But obviously enough argued that it is enough different that it was included in the revision.
Unfortunately, because DMDD is such a new category (only several years old), there isn't a ton of research about it. Especially research on successful treatments. But she was started on a new med and that med has been around for a long time with good clinical trials and results. It remains to be seen if it helps this disorder well or not.
But at the end of the day, I am thankful for a clinician who took the time to hear us. I am thankful that the clinician is hopeful that the medication can mediate the extreme mood swings and constant irritability that she has. I am thankful that there is a medication at all that can be an option other than "just live with it." I am thankful that yesterday, this morning, and tonight's bedtime Grace did well, even with a lot of situations that were outside of her control and routine. She starts therapy on Thursday. We shall see how that goes. It will be very, very weird for me to be on the "other" side of the counseling table lol!
*******
Yesterday we had a pretty good day together, just the 4 of us. Since we had to drive a couple of hours to the appointment we stopped at the Cabela's there and my husband got to pick up some items he had ordered. I played the shooting game with the kids;) Then after the appointment we went to Red Lobster as JJ wanted "big shrimp." He has been asking for "big shrimp" for a few weeks. I cannot believe how much he likes shrimp lol! Grace tried a bite...then spit it out lol!
We rushed home to get to Grace's Christmas concert for school. We had some items we had to get at Walmart. JJ had a tantrum leaving the store (due to the rushing) and we didn't have time to deal with it due to the rush so it got hairy (I am more than a little scared that many of JJ's behaviors are just like Grace's - except he clearly does not have ADHD. I really hope he doesn't have DMDD too...). I got Grace there 45 minutes before the concert like I was supposed to, and waited in the car until closer to the concert to go inside. She came out crying and said that since she missed school they would not let her participate in the concert. She was hysterical. Hysterical. I was livid. How in the world can taking a child to a psychiatrist office mean they can't participate in a school concert? This appointment was a big factor in whether or not the child even remain in our home and still attend the school. How was it that when we told the school she would be gone, that when the teachers all handed her the slip with her homework on it since she would be missing a day, that NOT A SINGLE PERSON told us that she couldn't attend the concert? We had the option of this appointment or one in February, so obviously we were going to take the first appointment available (who looks at a calendar to see if their kid has a school concert when making psychiatric appointments?!?!). It was a total reminder of why we started homeschooling in the first place (opposed to a school board decision when Beautiful was to start kindergarten...) But, if we would have known ahead of time we wouldn't have rushed home (and would have avoided JJ's meltdown. I was shocked I didn't have to carry him out of the store - only my fear that security would have thought I was stealing him kept me from doing it - at least as he was chasing me and hitting me they knew he was coming willingly...) and would have avoided Grace's meltdown. Ha. Meltdown. Their tantrums are soooo much bigger than a "meltdown." Anyway. It is over now. Done venting. We will be better prepared next time.
Deep Breath...
However, amazingly, I got her calmed down within 30 minutes and held her while we drank hot chocolate and watched a movie together. Half way through the movie she said "this is better than the concert" lol! She went to bed (with her new meds) later than usual but didn't have any problems. This morning she actually said, "I am in a good mood." She was surprised that she felt good - and I was elated at a drama free morning!!! She also had a good bedtime tonight. 2 consecutive mornings and bedtimes is as rare as a unicorn. The meds should take full effect within 2 weeks - just in time for Christmas break. Praise God!!!!!
Thanks again for the support and prayers. They are tangibly felt and MUCH appreciated!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)