JJ Update: Sleep

After 8 1/2 years we are finally making some gains in JJ sleeping! I have shared about our many attempts at helping him sleep through the night. It has been a long journey. With his severe separation anxiety, inability to self-sooth, and struggles with fear/nightmares (they are always about someone killing him) it has been hard for us to know how hard to push regarding sleep. We used to have the problem with him taking 1-2 hours to fall asleep at night, not sleeping until midnight or 1 a.m. But a little over a year ago now I discovered Sleep Support and Renewal by Isagenix. That makes him fall asleep usually within 15 minutes! But while the spray helps him (and others) fall asleep quicker, it doesn't help with middle of the night awakenings...

Our reality is that we have a 5 bedroom house. We have 3 bedrooms downstairs where the girls, JJ, and us sleep. We have the boys in the bedrooms upstairs. Ideally JJ would sleep with Superman upstairs, but he refuses to sleep that far away from us. The girls can't sleep in the same room because they pretty much hate each other and fight constantly (not just middle school angst). So, JJ had shared a room with Faith for several years. With the escalation of Faith's behaviors a few years ago JJ felt less and less safe so he was moved out of there over 18 months ago...leaving the option being our bedroom. Before that he would fall asleep in our bed and I would carry him to his bed and sometimes we were fortunate that he actually slept there all night. Most nights he came back to our room at some point. Then he got too heavy so I insisted that he fall asleep in his own bed. That was harder and he never did really sleep well. Then 18 months ago it was a moot point and we just brought his mattress to our floor and he slept there (he started there at least). Things were going pretty good for about 6 months where he mostly stayed on his mattress all night. Then he had his first video conference with his mom in May 2018 and... his nightmares started back up with a vengeance and he never made it through the night on his own mattress for 8 months. I would wake up with him standing beside me saying, "I had a nightmare" or "I need you."

How does one say no to that?

But I was struggling with knowing when he was really having a nightmare and when he was just wanting to get in our bed. And then I struggled with my heart on if it really is such a terrible thing for a kid to need comfort in the night and come to his parents? I don't think so. But, then I struggled with if he was actually needing comfort or if he was just in a bad habit that needed to be broken. I know that some nights when he said he was having nightmare his heart was racing like crazy and he would cling to me like a monkey. Sometimes it would be 3 or 4 a.m. and he would adamantly refuse to go back to sleep again, so I know the nightmares were real and bad. But other times I felt like he was just going through the motions.

Then in January (I think) he got sick again with influenza and his coughing led to him vomiting so I sat him upright on the futon in the family room outside of our bedroom for a couple of nights.

THEN...

He decided on his own that he wanted to start sleeping there. Yay! Throughout this whole sleeping process I have known that if I am going to make a stand about him sleeping on his own I have to be firmly devoted to it and not back down (I say "I" and not "we" because JJ only wants me at night. My husband is willing to support whatever gets decided). Thus, with the nightmares I have never pushed the issues. I want to make sure that he knows that he can come to us if he needs us. But I also want him to figure out how to sleep through the night. I know that the nights he sleeps in his own bed all night he is better rested during the day (as are we lol!!!!!!!!). Part of that, of course, is because he didn't have a nightmare affecting his sleep.

And living in this house with the issues we frequently deal with definitely inspires nightmares.

I strongly support kids coming to their parents anytime, day or night, if they need them. I strongly support kids knowing that they have a voice and are heard by their loved ones. I strongly support kids knowing that they are safe. Those are the driving foundational issues that I seek to secure with our kids. I believe that is what builds trust. Without trust I believe kids won't feel secure and obey the authority in their life, and by extension I believe that affects their relationship with God. So, we work to help our kids develop trust. I believe that is why our daughters struggle so much - they do not trust us (the hallmark of an attachment disorder). Watching that progression of problems with our daughters has led us to strive harder and harder that JJ know, without a doubt, that he can trust us and come to us any time he needs us. His speech limitations have made that process quite complicated, but it is our goal none-the-less.

But we also want our kids to be able to be secure, mature, God-fearing adults who love and obey the Lord and serve the Kingdom. We began to feel like we had to push the envelope regarding sleep so he wasn't just complacent in coming to our bed at night rather than coming when he actually needed us.

So we made a plan that we could agree to and not back down. JJ's greatest motivator is video games. It is probably his only motivator that has any hope of actually working. So, he was told that if he slept through the night in his own bed he would get to play an hour of his favorite video game the next day rather than only getting to play 1 hour on Saturdays.

Yes, I motivated my child with a video game. I am ok with that.

It has been just less than two months. It initially worked well. He was told if he needed me at night I would come back to his bed (the futon) with him and stay until he fell back asleep so that he knew he could still come to me, but that he couldn't get in our bed unless he understood he would lose his video game the next day. We went on vacation and I thought that he would revert back in an uncomfortable setting, but he slept great in a room with his brother every night. We got home and for a week he remained on the futon. He did have about 3 incidents I think in that time frame when he came to me and I asked him "do you understand this means you will lose the video game?" When he said "yes" I knew that he was truly having a nightmare if he was willing to give up the video game.

But...I pushed the envelope:(  A week after vacation his brother was gone at a sleepover so I asked JJ if he wanted to sleep in his brother's bed with the dog to help him feel safe. He said sure and did sleep all night. I then got excited and moved his mattress upstairs to Superman's bedroom and thought we had a good thing going. JJ was not as excited. I did stay with him to fall asleep there (as usual) but it took him a long time to fall asleep (even with the sleep spray) and each night he made it all the way back to our room in the dark (he must have been very scared to navigate the house in the dark, he usually will not stay on a level of the house without one of us on the same level). So after a few nights of that he told me he was going to back to the futon, of course I did not argue. But now he is back to waking me every night again (I told him that if it is after 6 a.m. he can stay in our room since I am about to get up anyway, but if it is before 6 he has to go back to his bed or have me take him back to the futon).

So a week after I moved his bed upstairs, I am back to the same problems we had in the beginning. Saturday night he came to me at 2:30 and I took him back to the futon. He came back at 4:30 and just got into bed. When I informed him after he woke up that he lost his video game today he got very upset. He doesn't remember coming into bed, which I actually believe. And I know that he had a nightmare that second time because his heart was racing and he clung to me. He keeps saying that he doesn't remember coming to bed. I keep saying, "where did you wake up?"  Then he started thinking about it during the sermon in church and started fighting with me physically demanding that I let him play the video game. I know his emotions get so big that he can't work his way through them himself (he cannot self-sooth which is why he can't put himself to sleep at night, etc). But teaching him this skill has been difficult. I am realizing more and more all of the various facets of the apraxia/CAS and how it affects so many unexpected areas of his life (just like ADHD does his sister's life). Put the purpose of this post is just about the sleep:)

So, I am not sure how to proceed. I help so many people deal with their nightmares and I cannot help my son eliminate his. He is worse on days that he anticipates me working. He hates when I work. He hates when we leave him at the school without us (the school post about what is happening there is coming later). He is worse on days when I am gone 12+ hours and can't hold him for an hour every day like he wants. He is worse when the birth families are discussed. But, like most things in life, there is not hard and fast "formula" that "if we do this, then he will sleep through the night, guaranteed."

I was really proud of him last night. He likes the vibrating buzzers that I use for EMDR. He finds them very soothing - I will have him use them when he wakes so terrified at night that he won't go back to sleep. So last night he asked, on his own and out of the blue, if he could use them until he fell asleep. He did sleep through the night:)

 This kid really is an enigma on so many levels. But he is smart, funny, tenacious, curious, so protective and gentle toward his niece, clever, and sweet. Despite all of the challenges I love him so completely and am so thankful that he does not have an attachment disorder. God has brought him into our home and has brought him along so far, teaching us as parents so much through him. He is speaking much clearer, learning how to read, and no longer has the failure to thrive eating issues he had before (although his eating habits are not "normal" and still has the Rumination Disorder, and he is at the top of the growth chart now instead of barely on it) . He is excited to be playing baseball this year. He is willing to leave us in settings now where he is familiar and around familiar people. We will keep trusting God to work in JJ, continue to grow and mature him, and help him to feel safe. We also keep trusting God to work in our hearts as we navigate life and parenthood;)

What I Learned on Vacation 2019

March of 2019 we took our 2019 Family Vacation. We had to make a decision of going with or without our oldest daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter. Since that was not really a question, we ended up having to take this vacation in March before she gets too pregnant with our grandson to travel comfortably (who is due 8/7).

Can't wait for grand baby #2!!!!!!!!

We always talked about wanting to go to the beach as a whole family so decided to do it this year with only 1 grandchild instead of chasing 2 lol! We have been to Mazatlan, Mexico 5 times (usually with only 2 kids) and LOVE IT there. So, we thought we would try a beach within driving distance and Surfside, Texas was the chosen destination. We got a VRBO house on the beach and experienced staying in our first house on stilts. Having a pregnant woman in a house was always slightly moving was a new experience lol! I myself just tried to imagine I was on a cruise ship ;) Surfside is definitely not Mazatlan, but we had a good time. When I tried to think about some of the reasons I prefer Mazatlan I realized that in Mexico we are with my parents and they take care of a ton of the logistics. In Surfside my husband and I were the parents who had to take care of all of the logistics (although admittedly my husband took care of more than I did) lol! Vacations are just easier when someone else is in charge of the hard stuff and the only thing you have to worry about it swimming in the pool vs the ocean or how often to apply sunscreen;)

But, that wasn't the lesson that I was referring to that I learned on this vacation. It was windy and therefore chilly for the days that we were there, the first 3 days being worse than the last 2. Thankfully the kids chose to just enjoy the novelty of the ocean and sand and play regardless of the cold. That meant that I had hours and hours to sit on a beach (in two hooded sweatshirts and a blanket) and watch them...and think. I don't get much opportunity to just let my brain run through random thoughts, but it was fruitful. I should make it more of a priority:)

As I watched the waves and considered how the wind was making the waves so chaotic and choppy that my husband had to reschedule his deep sea fishing for 2 days, I thought about how irritated I was that the state of the ocean was disrupting our vacation. That got me thinking about how much it hurts and frustrates me that our daughters disrupt the lives of our whole family. I seek to contain the destruction they cause and protect others from them, and impress upon our daughters that they should not do it, but they do.

I sat there and asked God why he won't just change their hearts, since He is fully capable. Then I "reminded" God of the time Jesus said, "be still" and the waters were still.

But then God reminded me:
Jeremiah 5: 22    I made the sand a boundary for the sea,

an everlasting barrier it cannot cross.The waves may roll, but they cannot prevail;they may roar, but they cannot cross it.

 Isaiah 51: 11 10

Was it not you who dried up the sea,the waters of the great deep,who made a road in the depths of the seaso that the redeemed might cross over?

Job 38:8-11 

8 “Who shut up the sea behind doorswhen it burst forth from the womb,9when I made the clouds its garmentand wrapped it in thick darkness,10when I fixed limits for itand set its doors and bars in place,11when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;here is where your proud waves halt’? 

God reminded me that while he can calm the waters/instantly change my daughters' hearts, that it isn't how He has set things in motion. I thought of the violence of the ocean and yet how God has placed a perimeter up for it and other entities that control it. We don't see Him standing there Himself using His hands to push and pull and stop and move. Some of what I thought of that He uses:

The earth uses gravity to hold the water to the ground.
The moon uses gravity to pull the tides back and forth every day.
The sun produces heat that affects the water temperature.
The rotation of the earth causes the wind, currents, etc.
The shorelines are all different - some high and rocky and some low and sandy affecting how far the water can go.
Earthquakes under the ocean happen that creates incredible disruption and destruction.


Yet, God is ultimately in control of it all.

And. I. Am. Not.

I keep trying to be all of those things to my daughters and I cannot be. I can't be their conscience, judge, discipliner, encourager, teacher, challenger, playmate, etc all by myself. I am exhausting myself and becoming more cynical, bitter, resentful, and jaded than I was at the beginning. 

In my musings I considered that maybe my role is to be the moon. I am to reflect the sun (Son), but I have no real power on my own. I have to trust all of the other pieces of the process that God has orchestrated to put it all together to serve His purposes. His outcome. His timing. His way. And sometimes I won't like the outcomes (like a tsunumi destroying an entire island or country) but ultimately the outcome isn't my responsibility to bear.

Then, as if that wasn't convicting enough to humble me, I came back and listened to Timothy Keller's sermon on pride and humility. Wow. One little tiny comment he made toward the end of the sermon was about how pride steals our joy. Ouch. Did you notice above when I said I was upset that the ocean was disrupting our vacation? And our daughters' behavior disrupts our lives? Talk about pride issues. Again, ouch. My joy is to be independent of "stuff." So, that was lesson #2...

https://podtail.com/en/podcast/timothy-keller-sermons-podcast-by-gospel-in-l/pride-the-case-of-nebuchadnezzar/

And because God really wants me to learn this, once and for all, I listened to this Timothy Keller sermon on God's Still Small Voice. Very encouraging. Very convicting. I completely put God in a box and have self-centered and limited expectations. I was also very impressed with Timothy's interpretation on how to care for someone (and maybe more importantly - how NOT to approach someone) when they are discouraged or in despair. This is by far one of my favorite sermons.

https://play.acast.com/s/timothykellersermonspodcastbygospelinlife/the-still-small-voice



So, here I am, 13 days post vacation, and I am still feeling a sense of peace. Not typical for me, I can assure you. I feel that, at least for now, I have honestly laid the baggage and burden of living with a chaotic ocean at the foot of the cross. I am working on leaving it there. I am also working on living with the reality that just because I have done this it doesn't mean that the hurricanes and tsunamis won't still rock our home. I am just finally realizing that I don't have to drown in guilt, resentment, frustration, fear, anger, bitterness, betrayal, cynicism, and despair when it does...