My Day of Blessings

Last week I had a very bad week. Very. I wrote a blog post that I will never actually post because I was so negative. However, it helped me to sort through my thoughts so was actually very helpful! I couldn't even stand to be around myself - I felt sorry for my family lol! Today I am so glad that I am back to focusing on the blessings in my life (and that my family actually wants to be around me today!)

I woke up after getting over 6 hours of sleep!!! JJ has been sick for about 2 weeks now and not sleeping well (even worse than usual). He is coughing like crazy and has been back to not falling asleep until 11 or later. Right after daylight savings time we were getting him to sleep by 10 and I was so excited! But that didn't last long...  Anyway, after taking him to the doc yesterday and confirming he doesn't have pneumonia we just gave him the cough medicine with codeine to make.him.sleep. Praise the Lord it worked! So we all got better sleep (after midnight) and he is coughing much less today:) He also is starting out the night by announcing he want to sleep by himself in his own bed. It never lasts too long (and prolongs the amount of time it takes him to fall asleep by at least 30 minutes because he inevitably ends up back in our bed to fall asleep and then I carry him to his bed until he wakes and comes in again). But, the blessing is that he seems to be understanding that he is supposed to be alone in his bed lol!

I got to have a massage today! Again, praising God for massage therapists! I hope that one of my kids becomes a massage therapist...and lives close;)

Then I got a hair cut. I was brave and cut off my long hair to make it shorter than it has been in 6 years. About 10 years ago I had it cut short and was shocked that in pictures that I looked like my brother lol!!!!  I was wary but brave and got it cut. I think it will be much better now and the good news is that I don't think I look like my brother - not that he isn't a handsome man - I just shouldn't look like him:)

Buddy made lunch! I am so grateful for the blessing of his heart that is willing to help out in the family. He is a good son:)

I had to run to work for an hour, but am thankful that I don't work anymore until Monday (outside of the home). I have lots of insurance company calls to make tomorrow though:(

The last box of presents came from Amazon today and my husband and I took them to town to get silk screened for Christmas. I can't wait to show you guys what the surprise is! Beautiful and I have been scheming;)

That meant that my husband and I got to go out to supper ALONE! Granted it was a fast trip, but it was ALONE!!!  We got to make decisions about the surprise, and how we will handle Christmas day schedule, etc. It was good:)  We enjoy scheming to find time to sneak away alone - even if it is just a 20 minute walk. I am so thankful that I like my husband. I know far too many woman who avoid theirs:(

Buddy, when given the option of watching the 4 youngest kids while we ran to town and back, or ran to town, ate, and came back said that we needed get away and go out to eat. Again, Buddy is such an incredible son. We are so blessed by him! So we brought him back pizza. He never asks for money, just pizza lol! And video games. Can't forget that. Birthdays and Christmas are about video games;)

Finally, the kids have been very hard lately. Not pull my hair out hard, but juuuuuust below that. So yesterday I made up a VERY detailed list of expectations and timelines along with consequences and rewards for the Middles and today it was fully implemented. Do you know that they have had good attitudes so far all of the time I have actually seen them today? No one has told me that hate me, that I am wrong or to stop talking or how horrible their life is in this house! Which is like....1000 times better attitude than before?!?!? Even when one of the kids did something outrageously naughty and was sent to bed 30 minutes early there was NO SCREAMING!  Even after told that the consequences would apply!  So even if it only lasts today, praise the Lord we had ONE day of good attitudes and as-much-as-can-be-expected compliance:) And now that they have proven that they CAN do it...well...it is GAME ON!

There are other things that have been tough. We had to cancel our Christmas trip back home this weekend due to the big blizzard moving in there. I really wanted to see our families even though it was only going to be a quick overnight trip. Also, I have some unexplained medical/pain something or another that is getting worry some. Just when I am finally getting a handle on the headaches (more or less, last week was HORRENDOUS), now I have this new pain. But, such is the adventure of life. I can either keep my eyes on Jesus and focus on the blessings, or be overwhelmed and so angry I have to shut myself away (like last week). I am thankful for days like today that Jesus reminds me that He is here in the midst of the craziness and whether it is a good or bad situation He is sovereign.

Now if I can just keep reminding myself that I need to submit to that plan...;)

Blood, Screaming, and a Rush to Basketball Camp.

For those of you who also have homes with temporary (or longer) insanity...I will tell you about my morning as a reminder that you are not alone!

My husband once again left to hunt this morning. Thankfully someone texted last night reminding me about Superman's Basketball Camp this morning or I would have forgotten to take him. My husband left at 5 and when I woke up to sun I was pleasantly surprised that I actually got to sleep until the sun was up! I got up, got breakfast for the Middles, and did my 30 minute work out. I separated the girls in their own rooms and rushed to the shower. Beautiful had texted me and I told her that I was in a rush and would talk to her later. JJ had woke up by then so Superman watched him while getting ready for Basketball Camp. JJ refused to go with to the school to drop him off so I was going to leave him with Buddy, who was still sleeping (I was going to alert him to JJ's presence but quite honesty, despite my prior posts about the shenanigans he gets into, it is far safer to leave him home with Buddy semi-awake than it is to leave either of the girls home.  Just saying).

After I got out of the shower I told the girls to quickly get their shoes on and get to the car. I had 3 minutes before I had to leave. I quickly readied and then Superman came running that Grace was bleeding all over and I had to come right away (have I mentioned before the shear number of accidents that ADHD kids get into?). During that time JJ was screaming that Superman wasn't getting the legos out for him. I ran upstairs, assessed the blood, knew that I was not going to be able to get to BB camp on time if I stopped to clean up the blood. I ran to Buddy's room, threw open the door, and said, "I am sorry to wake you up like this but I need you now."  Buddy came right away and I gave him two options, "blood" or "take Superman to BB Camp." Buddy choose blood (he has yet to drive his car by himself - he is a hermit;) I gave him band aids and a damp paper towel and ran to the car.

During this time JJ was still screaming "HELP ME!!" Over and over. Repeatedly. I had pulled out the legos on my run back from Buddy's room but apparently he wanted something else. I told him he would have to wait for Buddy to get done to help him. He chased me out to the car, but his hands on the car, and followed me while screaming while I was slowly reversing telling him that Buddy would help him. He would not stop (he has been very clingy the past week screaming when I have to go to work. It is like he was a year ago and before...yet he refused to come with lol!). I told him that if he did not go back into the house right away he would have to get in the car and go with me. He wouldn't go back into the house or get in the car so I got out, picked him up, put him in the car, and we left. He kept screaming "Help me!!" I told him if there was one more word from him he was losing video games for the entire day. He stopped.

I called the house phone and left a message for Buddy that I had JJ:)

I got Superman to BB camp and even saw one more kid later than him. Yay me! lol!

I called Beautiful to remind her how thankful she should be that she doesn't live at home anymore lol! We also decided that JJ would go hang out with her until we left:) He doesn't go over there very often at all (maybe only a few times since they moved in) and he usually doesn't last long. We will see how he does today. 

******

For the most part Hunting season and this Thanksgiving weekend have gone well. It has by far been the most relaxing and laid back 2 week hunting/Thanksgiving year we have had. A lot was probably that all 3 Middles were at school. Also, I scheduled my work a bit lighter so I only worked 2 days of hunting week so I was home with the kids and to check in deer and my husband got to hunt. I had a conference on Saturday but Beautiful held down the fort for us. She is indispensable:) 

This Thanksgiving weekend has been quite nice (aside from the 20 minutes of insanity this morning lol!) Wednesday I got to take all 3 of the boys out to pizza and a movie. I haven't ever taken just them out before. It was very nice. Originally it was just going to be Buddy and myself, but when I asked Buddy if he minded if the other 2 came with he said, "That is fine. Without them there I don't know what we would talk about anyway. All I can really say is "how is work?" and you can't talk about that!" lol!

Thursday Beautiful and her husband were with his family so the 7 of us enjoyed our traditional meal. Buddy and my husband then left to join up with Beautiful and do the Wal Mart Black Friday on Thursday thing. We watched the Vikings game (boo...) and I was able to finished up my online CEU's for my licensure while watching the game (yay!!!!)

Friday my husband, Beautiful, and her husband left and an insanely early hour to go Black Friday Shopping. It is their annual tradition and I am thankful that they have those traditions together. And that it is them and not me lol! Faith and I made lefse and home made noodles so I could make chicken noodle soup. They are my favorite foods that my grandma used to cook when she could still do the holiday meals and I was feeling nostalgic:) I have figured out that Faith's Love Language is Quality Time so have been trying to include her as much as I can with things. Grace runs away and wants nothing to do with cooking (except to lick beaters lol!) so it is a good way to spend alone time with Faith. I also got a lot of cleaning done between yesterday and today - moving furniture, etc while getting ready to put up the tree. Unfortunately my back has been bad again for a couple of weeks so I am having to be more cautious than usual. Buddy carried up the totes and he put up the tree, tinsel, and lights. Buddy loves to put up the tree and the fewer people he has help the better lol! Most of the rest of us got in when it was time for ornaments though. We did it during college basketball game. It was good to have a distraction from the game.  REALLY good:(  We have gotten the kids their own ornaments over the years so I finally got Beautiful's ornaments separated out for her to take for her own tree this year (I forgot last year).

Today my husband is hunting with our son in law. At noon all 9 of us will leave to go eat Chinese food as a family and then go to Moana. Tonight Adrian has a friend coming over to watch a Marvel movie he hasn't seen yet. Tomorrow we will relax again before we emerge on Monday from the intentionally protected cocoon of these 2 weeks we have every year filled with hunting and out of the ordinary schedules. Wednesday I have to give a presentation (that I had better run through a few more times lol!), Saturday Superman has a basketball tournament and BB season officially begins. 

Bring.It.On. 

Sanctification

I have been contemplating how God has been progressing me through sanctification into who He wants me to be. I think about where He has me now and where I have been. I am so thankful that God does not throw it all at us at once but lets it be a journey. I don't think I could survive Him pointing out all of my sin at once...

So looking back on the journey this is how I see it:

His salvation and forgiveness.

His provision.

How to persevere and endure. My favorite verse is James 1:12 :)

His love.

Who I am because of Him - my identity in Christ.

What it means to really believe in Him.

What it means to Trust - and how that is different from believing in Him.

Right now I think He is working through what it means to have Hope. I have felt a lot of hopelessness in raising our tough kids. However, He seems to be moving me through a place where I can really rest in whatever God has decided for an outcome. On Thursday He did allow what feels like a crack in the dam that is surrounding Faith that has seemed to be widening since then. After so much despair and fear about the path she was walking and not understanding "why" or how to help her, it was heartbreaking to hear her finally share about a couple of things that seem to have been huge burdens for her. Thankfully they are things that I feel I can actually do something about and have put a lot of effort into those things the past 3 days with what feels like progress in our relationship and her behavior. It feels like more of "her" is coming through the widening crack in the dam and I am so thankful for your prayers and for God moving in her heart. I keep reminding myself that this is a process and we certainly are no where near the end of the path, but I have hope. Not hope in myself, but the hope that is talked about in the scriptures that I have never really understood.

Romans 5:1 - 5    1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And weboast in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not put us to shame, because Godʼs love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

It is a precious experience to love someone who feels like they have walled themselves off from you and feel them draw near. No wonder the angels rejoice whenever one of us come to know the Lord with a saving faith!

We will see how long this journey lasts before God decides what He needs me to work on next. If I have a choice I know what I would choose. I guess time will tell:)

Dr. Strange: How the Movie Has Challenged Me

Have you ever gone to a movie and had it impact you on a personal level in a way that was probably not the intention of the movie production team? That happened to me with the movie Dr. Strange. Aside from what I considered to be a movie way outside of normal expectations for plot and visual effects, there was one concept that really stuck in my head. A concept that made me disgusted with its implications. The longer that it stuck in my head, the more that I realized that it was actually something that I do. I guess it was one of those situations where God used the movie to point out:

Matthew 7:3  "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

When it is pointed out to Dr. Strange that his surgical success rates are so high in part due to him not taking on extra risky or hard cases I was floored. While you probably knew this, I did not realize that specialists refuse to take on certain cases if the chance of failure will harm their success statistics. In hind site it should not have surprised me. After all in my own profession if we are untrained in a particular area we are told to refer on to the appropriate specialist. That just seems different to me than refusing for the sole purpose of it affecting success rates.

Several days after the movie it still stuck in my gut in a bad way. Then I started thinking about my own practice. There are definitely situations where I wish I could refer someone on because I don't want to work with the issue, it will take too much effort, take too long, the outcome is "hopeless" (in my fleshly opinion), or whatever the excuse may be. But I try to focus on the fact that God brought that person through my door and I am to do what I can do and leave the outcome to Him. I got thinking that is kind of like the statistics reason. It isn't that I am not qualified, it is just that I (admittedly selfishly) prefer the "easy" situations. 

Ouch.

But once I sifted through that layer of thinking, God hit me with the second punch.

Isn't that my exact situation with raising my "hard" kiddos? Well, yes.it.is. 

It would sure be nice to have "easy" adopted (and biological) children. It would be nice if I never had to deal with heart rebellion. It would be great if every tool that I have learned through my decades of training cut off all wrongdoing in my children on the very first day it happened. 

But that wouldn't be reality would it? After all, God in all of His power hasn't cut off my own sin the first time that I commit it - because He allows that pesky gift of "free will."

Thank you so much for the prayer that some of you have offered for our family and our daughters since my last post. I know I have felt much more peace, perspective, and hope. Thank you to those of you who have called or written encouragement. While I dislike being vulnerable and sharing our yuck, I covet your prayers. 

Behavior is not necessarily better in our home, but my heart is in a better place. My hope is not in changed behavior, my hope is in God being sovereign. 

My husband and I had a long talk with Buddy on Friday. It was so hard to hear him talk about how our family simply cannot have any fun, go places, or do what we would like to do due to the behaviors of some of our kiddos. It is isolating and frustrating. It grieves me that we only have 1 1/2 years left with this precious young man that I adore and then those years are forever gone. Years that have been negatively impacted by our choice to have difficult kiddos. Biological kids often get forgotten in the chaos of realities of adding adopted children and this has happened with Buddy (and Beautiful). I try to think of our situation as "fire" that God is using to purify their hearts before they go out into the world. However, it is a huge blessing that both Beautiful and Buddy have seemed to also believe that. There were years they were resentful (and I know it still happens at times). But when Buddy was sharing his feelings it was such a relief to this guilty mom's heart to hear him say "I am not saying that you should not have adopted them. I am just saying this is how it has changed our family." He was matter of fact and accepting of the "nice and easy" things that he has missed out on and the "hard and difficult" realities that have replaced it. 

Praise God for how He sanctifies and humbles us when we start thinking too highly of ourselves, loves us when we are "hard and difficult," changes our perspective from the horizontal to the vertical, and uses even Marvel movies to challenge our assumptions and belief sets. He is so creative and versatile when He says "Stop it! Wrong way! Get refocused!!!"

Our Girls...

We would really value your prayer right now. I don't even know what to say except that our daughters need prayer for repentant hearts. We need wisdom on what to do next. I have written this out many times and have opted to just keep it to the point. It is ugly. Our home is a war zone. Most of our energy is spent in damage control and containment. For the first time I have to fight feelings of regret that we adopted. For the first time I really understand why people disrupt adoptions. For the first time I understand why people choose to give up. There are so many things that we just cannot do because we cannot trust the girls. There are so many things our other kids don't get to do because we can't trust the girls and I feel guilty for that. What will they remember of their childhood? I am frustrated by all of the friendships and support system that we cannot explore because of their behavior. To be brutally honest Grace is improved from where she was 6 months ago (except when she is around Faith) but Faith is already farther down any path that Grace ever walked. Grace, with her ADHD, is highly impulsive and energetic leading her to get into trouble with her lack of self-control in the moment. However, Faith is very intelligent and self-controlled, and therefore very intentional and careful about how (and where) she does what she does. After Grace's out of control moments she is very sorry and remorseful (until the next time). Faith just denies and puts energy into figuring out how not to get caught the next time, or how to get someone else to take the fall.

I keep singing a song over and over and over hundreds of times in my head to keep me focused. I am so thankful for God. My hope is in Him. Not my daughters' choices. I don't own their choices. Their choices are between them and God. I am responsible for teaching them right from wrong. I am responsible for teaching them about God, His expectations, and his grace and mercy upon repentance. I am responsible for giving them consequences for sin. I am responsible for protecting our other children from the war zone. I am responsible for my relationship with God. None of us are promised happy outcomes. None of us are promised happy days up until the outcome.

We are promised:
His faithfulness.
His sovereignty.
His goodness.
His timing.
His mercy.
His grace.
His love.

The God of Angel Armies - Chris Tomlin

JJ Update: November 2016

JJ has been making a lot of progress in many areas. I haven't updated in awhile in him so thought I would do so. 

Eating/Reflux: This has been much improved. He is gaining weight and getting taller. He went from vomiting into his mouth almost every time he ate to now maybe once a week!!!!!! We have had 2 interventions and I am not sure if it was one OR the other or one AND the other. He refluxed the other day and I looked at him in surprise and he looked just as surprised. He said that he hadn't done that in awhile and I realized that I had not noticed it in a long time either. It is one of those things we have lived with for over 2 years now so when it was decreasing I didn't really notice it. Therefore, I am not sure which intervention has made the most impact. We have been taking him to get chiropractic adjustments more frequently than he was before. That helped to maybe once a day or every other day. We also took him in for a very weird desensitization procedure with a different chiropractor. We had done with his breathing issues way back before he turned 2 if you remember all of his many sinus infections, RSV, etc that we dealt with back then. This procedure helped him immensely. So, we thought we would try it for this as well even though it is a different provider and it is done differently. They chiropractor said that he "tested" sensitive to calcium so he did a desensitization on it. JJ won't drink water, juice, pop (well, he will drink pop infrequently) but prefers milk. LOTS of milk. So if that was the culprit it would make sense even though the scope testing showed no milk "allergy." Whatever is causing him to stop refluxing we are just grateful that he has essentially stopped!!!

Sleeping: He has been sleeping, overall, better. When he was sick a few weeks ago he was back to being up at night and in our bed for about 2 weeks. Otherwise he is going much longer stretches with only coming into our bed about once a week. This has only been for the last couple of months but it is by far more than he has slept in his own bed all night than ever before. Yay!  Usually he has been going to sleep between 10:30 and 11 instead of midnight and if he comes it is closer to 5/6 a.m. Last night he came in at 1:30:( Then around 7 he suddenly grabbed me and yelled, "Mom! I had a bad dream!" and held on tight before falling asleep. He has been very off emotionally today so I think the bad night of sleep/nightmares has triggered that. 

Emotional Dysregulation: For the most part he is doing so much better. Where he used to have tantrums daily I am now surprised when they happen. He did have a big one this morning when he deteriorated into perseveration (repeating the same phrase over and over...and over...and over) for about an hour. But he came out of it and then just wanted to be held awhile. He has shorter "I want my own way" that all kids have but those longer ones are improving. We were in the grocery store last week and we had to get him out after he went into one, but it only last about a block of the walk home. I don't think he has had one of those public ones since July (that I can remember). That makes us very happy lol!

Speech: Sometimes I think he speech is really improved and sometimes I am totally lost. However, in really thinking about the dynamics of it, it is far more a problem with retrieval than a speech problem. He simply cannot retrieve words that he needs to describe his wants and we have to really be in tune with him to figure it out. He does not speak like other people, so his sentences are all jumbled. Add into that his inability to remember words so he will say "I want the white thing." When I press him for details/description if he can't remember he will say "You know, the white thing in the thing!" So not helpful lol! Today he lost all privileges for his tantrum and at noon he asked a question that made no sense at all. My husband, Buddy, and I all sat and listened to him and finally figured out that he was asking about what privileges that he lost. 

Last night I laughed hard when he was trying to tell me what bedtime story he wanted. I thought he was saying "zombie" which would never be a story that I would read to him, but he was actually asking for the Dr. Seuss  book, "Would You Put Me In The Zoo" that somehow with how he "paraphrased" it sounded like his word for "zombie" to me lol!

Finally - Social Interaction. Are you ready for this?!?!  He is GOING TO AWANA!!!! BY HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!  Of course AWANA is at our church, where he is familiar, and his 3 siblings are also in Awana and his big sister is a leader. But they are not in his room and prior to the first night he had never met any of the kids/leaders in his room. And he goes every week! AND he is remembering verses!!!  Paraphrased. And worked with with a very understanding Leader. But he is GOING! and PARTICIPATING! and LIKING IT! And LEARNING!  

Best news was saved for last:)

Family Days:)

Last Friday our Middles had off from their respective schools so we decided it would be important to do something fun. It was a beautiful day outside (in the afternoon at least) so we had a Family Day.

First we went to lunch at Pizza Ranch. Granted we didn't get there until almost 2 p.m. my husband had to hunt ducks in the morning and we had Parent Teacher conferences for 2 of the kiddos, but we got to their favorite restaurant and filled up on the buffet:)

Then we went fishing for a couple of hours. We didn't catch anything, but it was a nice day out. I don't fish (or hunt) so I just took some of the kids individually on walks to talk privately. It was a nice time and I am thankful we got to do it.

Beautiful has worked at the YMCA for almost a year now and has been asking for us to come and swim. So my husband and Buddy went to Menards for some much needed items to repair some things on Beautiful's house while I took the 4 swimming. They didn't understand that Beautiful had to lifeguard and not play with them, but we had fun. I played catch with the kids so much that my arm was sore for days lol! Beautiful had no sympathy for me though as she was a pitcher in softball and knew all about sore arms;)

We got home at 7:45 and I cooked some supper. Buddy's friend came over after work. We love it when he comes over because we all get to play cards. He hasn't been over in 6 months so it was fun to get to do that - even if Buddy and I LOST in the LAST HAND. Sigh...we almost always lose. But don't give up lol!

The best part of the day was the lack of any major temper tantrums. Usually at the end of something like this Grace or JJ are overly tired and the trip home is horrible, especially since they were hungry. But they all held it together and it was a pleasant day.

I do find it ironic that even with 7 of us I still feel like someone is missing. It has been a process to transition to Beautiful being married and not part of our Family Days. It was nice to see her while swimming and I am so thankful that she lives close and is over a couple of times a week:) Our family does not observe Halloween so we all watch TV and eat a special meal together. It was great that Beautiful and her husband came over to enjoy grilled steak and potatoes with us, and then watch over favorite team play on Monday Night Football (even though we lost...badly).

Dear Amazon.com

Dear Amazon.com,
I ordered a movie from you that came promptly. Thank you for Amazon Prime! Upon receiving the envelope with the intact movie a problem arose. You see, I am a mother of children who need things hidden from them. But I am also a mother who is highly distracted with too many pieces of information in my brain at a time. Thus, when the movie arrived my husband handed it to me to put away for family movie night I promptly forgot where I put it. In fact, I have only a very vague memory of him handing me the envelope much less knowing where I put it. That was a week ago and now I cannot find the movie. I have done a lot of cleaning and organizing in this house finding many other things that I had been unable to find, but alas I was unable to find the movie. Perhaps in a year or hopefully less I will locate the movie and we can watch it.

However, I am wondering if you can start to offer either personal assistants through your site who can come and shadow me and other harried mothers to remember everything that I do so I do not keep having this problem (do you know that 2 weeks ago I went to work and was convinced that I forgot to drink my breakfast as I had no memory of it, but my glass was clearly empty by the sink when I got home - trust me when I say no one else in this house would drink my protein shake).

Or you could offer gps on each of your items that you sell so that I can find the things that I have purchased. Of course, that would also require a personal assistant to be provided as I am not electronics savvy...at all. If I were I would develop that technology, sell it, and retire so that I can perhaps keep track of the items in my house better.

Thank you for your time listening to my suggestions,
A Highly Distracted Mother

Resolution: Week 12 of 12. I made it!

Somehow I have successfully made it the full 12 weeks of this exercise program! It was helpful for me to learn more about my eating habits, justifications I use to not work out this hard, and develop new habits. I was am very happy with the pain relief I have had in my lower back as a result of this program. I have had to decide this week what life it to look like moving forward. While I would like to just quit since I didn't lose as much weight as I wanted to (just being totally honest) I know that I have to continue if for no other reason it is helping me have much less pain than I had before.  The program I used was Mutu Mamas.

Having to blog about my weekly progress also gave me a level of accountability that I realized that I needed for those days when I really just didn't want to persevere - even if no one actually read them I knew I had to put it out there. It also forced me to spend some time in reflection every week when I am usually too busy just "doing" life instead of thinking about it. That was good for me as well.

One of those areas of reflection was learning that I have to set better boundaries and say "no" to people even when it seems like it would be small, simple, not too much time, etc. Too many of those piled up and I had to cut things out and get my focus back on my family time with my job second. It has made a big difference at home these last few weeks and I have been far more productive when I know I have days when I just get to have "mom" hat on and keep work at the office (except for paperwork...yay for a home office;) I have cooked and completed more projects in the past few weeks than I had in the couple of months prior. Sometimes my kids actually liked what I cooked lol!  Of course this week was better because JJ has actually slept through the night every night which always makes for a more productive me when I am a better rested me lol! It will change within another week, but I have learned to be productive when I am getting good sleep to counteract those times when I am not:)

So, this was a good Resolution for me, I think it was successful for the things that mattered, and I am happy that I decided to do it. Thanks for helping hold me accountable!

I think I am becoming a little superstitious...

I don't know about you, but when I hear about sports players having superstitious rituals they go through to "help" them win a game I roll my eyes and laugh a little bit. Will not washing your socks for an entire season really help you to win games?  Will a certain song that you listen to, behavioral routine, or food make that much of a difference?

Well, I am starting to realize that I must think the same way...

When one has a child who still will not consistently sleep through the night after six years one comes to try about anything just to get.some.sleep!

His sleeping patterns last, usually, a few days to a week. Then they switch up. For no apparent reason. the longest he has consistently slept through the night in 6 years was 3 weeks. I think he has done that a few times. So I am constantly trying to find that one variable, or combination of variables that will get me some hours of sleep without being woke up. 6.5 hours of sleep is about the sweet zone for me. If I consistently get less then that it is bad. But 6.5 hours is doable.

One big change with him is that he is finally going to sleep closer to 10:30/11:00 than midnight or later. I am very thankful for that. EO's work, so we keep doing that. Oil that kid's feet up! One combination did not work but this one does. I WILL NOT run out of this combination!

Then the Body Butter that I made with Lavender in it. I rub his whole body down in it every night, plus the other EO's. He has slept through the night every night since I started that so we are sticking with it! That has been 5 days I think.

For awhile taking a hot shower at night worked. So we went with that.

For awhile a bubble bath at night worked so we went with that.

For awhile a certain bedtime snack seemed to work.

Snuggling with a certain blanket.

Snuggling with a certain blanket just out of the dryer.

Snuggling with certain pillows in our bed with a blanket just out of the dryer while slathered with EO's after reading his choice of a bedtime story and having his chew toy to chomp on.

Do you get the picture? I have never had to work this hard to get a child to sleep!

I have tried the last few days (this is not the first time we have tried this) to encourage him to sleep in his own room. Three nights ago he fell asleep quickly in a pile of blankets I made up for him on his floor because he refused to sleep in his bed and he didn't want me anywhere near him. Two nights ago it took him over an hour to fall asleep and he was all over the place. Last night he insisted he be back in my bed until he fell asleep and was plastered up against my side to ensure himself that I was RIGHT THERE with him.

Getting him to sleep is only 1/2 the battle. He will eventually fall asleep. It is the middle of the night wakening that is hardest for me. When he falls asleep in our bed at night (360 out of 365 nights a year), I carry him to his bed and then try to get as much sleep as I can before he wakes up. He stays asleep. BUT, if he wakes in the night, crawls in bed with us, falls asleep, and I carry him back to his bed? He will wake up within minutes every.single.time. When he crawls in our bed at night he actually will lay there between us and put a hand on both of us to make sure that we are there (if he is not plastered against my side trying to get as close as possible).

So I have given up with trying to put him back to bed after he wakes in the night. It isn't so bad if he makes it to 6:30 (which he did for awhile the beginning of this month). But then he switched to 3:30....uggg...  Once I wake in the night I have a terrible time getting back to sleep - and knowing he is in there makes it worse. JJ is a lot like me, we take forever to fall asleep, unlike my husband who falls asleep within 3.6 seconds from laying his head on the pillow. Wish I could do that lol!

Of course, when he does sleep through the night in his own bed it takes me several nights to adjust to not waking at 3:30 or 6:30 and waiting for him to come in.

So this morning I decided, I am just going to let the kid be. Of all of the issues that we deal with with him (although he is maturing very, very well!!), does it really matter where he sleeps?  He won't still be doing this when he is 20 (he WILL NOT!) so I am just going to let him figure it out when he figures it out. He stopped wetting at night by himself this summer. No special cajoling or sticker charts or whatever. He just stopped. So eventually he will just stop waking in the night too:)  He will, I promise myself all the time, he will!!

One thing that he asks for as part of the routine every single night is "please pray that I don't have bad dreams" then he follows my prayer up with his own:) So, whatever EO's, bath rituals, back scratching vs back rubbing rituals, whatever bed he falls asleep in, whatever snack he decides on, and whatever time that he eventually falls asleep and wakes up...I know that JJ trusts that God will protect him when he goes to sleep. JJ knows that he is safe. JJ knows that when he doesn't feel safe he can come to us and we will make him safe. JJ knows without a doubt that we have his back and God has his back.

...and that is worth all of the sleep I have ever lost. Even if I do keep trying to find the "sweet spot" of superstitious ritual to try to eek out a little more sleep;)

Resolution: Week 11 of 12...ALMOST DONE!

I haven't decided what I am going to do when I am done with my resolution next Saturday. I am just happy that I made it this far lol!

Work out: I did 4 days this week - Su, T, Fri, and Sat. I was supposed to work out on Wednesday but Tuesday my back started hurting me badly and it wasn't really better until Thursday. Wednesday morning I had that familiar sharp pain when bending over to wash my hands in the sink and I admit I went into a bit of a panic thinking I was going back to square one. But, just like when it was sore after Life Light, I was back to pain freeish within a day or two. I know that is the benefit of these workouts and I am thankful for that:)

Clean Eating: I ate out a couple of times this week. I even splurged and ate home made french toast, waffles, and pizza (justifying that home made was better than processed store bought;)   I have not lost as much weight as I wanted during this 12 weeks, but I am eating healthier and smaller portions (and not finishing JJ's meals). I, however, was very pleasantly surprised last week. The middle of last winter I switched to wearing skirts for work with elastic waists because I...needed to. But when it got cold last week and I tried on my old dress pants I found that they were actually loose!  So, I figure I have dropped at least one size regardless of the actual weight on the scale. I am good with that since it means I don't have to buy new (larger) clothes. Yay!

Bible Time and family prayer: doing much better than at the beginning of this resolution and I guess that is the point of a resolution!

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General Life:  We had a couple of difficult days with JJ. He has been great the past few days. I think we figured out what the issues were (his sleep had been off and we are thinking there are more food sensitivity issues that we are trying to figure out how to go about resolving). So, I am glad that it seems better. 

He also lost electronics for 4 days straight due to his behavior which means that the only electronic he gets to do is ABCMouse.com for school. He is whipping through that quickly since he can't have tv or video games and is desperate for something to do lol! The kids are also making big lego cities:)

Grace has been doing pretty well. Mornings and bedtime are the worse times of the day for her. We implemented some strict changes a couple of weeks ago and it seems to be helping. Part of it involves that for any of her back talking/venomous talking she goes to bed early. So...most nights she goes to bed early which is a win/win for her and us (her for more sleep and us for not having to deal with the venom). She is doing ok in school. She will actually, for the FIRST time since she has been in school, letting us do home work with her. That is such a huge, huge, HUGE improvement!

Superman and Faith seem to be doing fairly well at school. There have been some adjustments but they seem to be adjusting instead of fighting it. That is a blessing. It is a HUGE blessing to my husband. Home schooling them with the attitudes against authority we were dealing with was just not going well. We are confident we made the right decision to send them to the Christian school this year:)

I just want to brag up my husband again. He is such a good man. I think of all of the sacrifices that we make to put our children first. My working long hours and him staying home and doing EVERYTHING else. His responsibilities make my head spin and I know I don't even really know half of what he does. Sometimes it feels like the kids do not really appreciate what we do for them (not an uncommon problem, I know). So it makes me so happy that our kids, especially our teenagers, actually WANT to spend time with their dad. So many dads seem to be in the background but our kids really do like their dad. If I was the stay at home parent I don't know if that similar statement would be true about me lol! Today my husband took the teenagers to a movie while I am home with the 4 youngest. I am so thankful that the 3 of them like to spend time together and genuinely enjoy one another. Not all 16 and 19 year olds like being with their parents. Yet, Beautiful still comes over often when her husband is at work (since his job is in Ag he is now on a 12 hour day 6 days a week schedule so we see her even more;). And our 16 year old isn't busting the door down to get away. Home school co-op started on Thursday and it is an hour drive each way. I had such a great time having those two hours in the car uninterrupted with him to talk about meaningful topics (like Biblical Marriage, politics, and the difference between earned respect and mandatory respect). JJ was with us but he tends to be quiet in the car:)  I love our teenagers and am enjoying it while we can because there is certainly no guarantee that all 6 of them will still like us through those years;)

Finally, I am setting some better boundaries with work/outside commitments so my stress level has diminished a little. I was really, really worried what would happen when co-op started, but it was ok (aside from the massive migraine I had when I got home that thankfully a nap took care of). I have had 2 full days home without having to leave the house (my ideal days lol!) I have gotten a lot of cleaning, organizing, cooking, and relaxing done. I am thankful for these "reset" days:)

But...we are looking at doing a desperately needed kitchen remodel so I will have to work more to pay for that. But it is all good:) We were considering an addition but I think now that we will just take out a wall, add a wall, and do other internal major changes to lower the overall cost but make the kitchen and pantry better able to accommodate our large family! When everything is bought in bulk including 25 and 50 lb bags of staple dry goods it takes a lot of space to store it. Right now we have food items stored throughout the house and it would be nice to streamline and get to use the other areas of the house for their original intent;) We were going to wait a few years, but I think we are going to try to swing it sooner.

And, hey, we just bought another dishwasher since our last one died this week so that is a good start, right?  lol!

My Crazy Life (the last 24 hours)

Or perhaps a better title is My Crazy Youngest Son...

Or even better...My Youngest Son Who Drives Me Crazy

Yeah, I think that is best.

Most of the time JJ is getting much better with his tantrums. Most of the time we can get him to comply. But most of the time is not all of the time. And unfortunately there is no guarantee that it won't happen in public.

Is it a terrible thing that one would sometimes secretly be thankful that they are the one who works long days while the spouse has to deal with the children? Not that I would have any idea about that. at all...ummmm. moving on...

So yesterday our adorable youngest son decided that 6:30 a.m. was an appropriate time to be awake for the day. Since that is well over 2 hours earlier than usual we knew it would not be a good thing. When I got home from work last night at 8:30 my husband was on edge. Like, really wound tight. Beautiful came over to watch DWTS with us and we headed to bed. Thankfully JJ (and my husband) fell asleep very quickly before 11. JJ had alluded to some kind of trouble making but I didn't really understand what he was saying except that he lost his electronics.

This morning my husband informs me (as I am looking at Superman's swollen lip) that the boys were playing Hulk or some such thing, JJ threw something and it hit Superman's lip. Yeah...

He then tells me that we somehow had 3 extra kids at the house and something did not go well with that situation...

Finally, Buddy informs me (in a not very happy at all way) that JJ had gone onto the WII U yesterday and enabled the parental pass code. Of course not having any idea what the password was that he put in. Because, of course, he cannot read at all and he just pushes buttons and messes around until "something" happens that he wants to have happen. Or something happens he thinks is cool. or whatever.  (thankfully some texts with my amazingly awesome brother this morning led me in the right direction of how to fix that although I have yet to attempt to follow the directions).

So...At 8:30 this morning I dress a sleeping JJ and put him in the car as my husband, Buddy, JJ, and I all had dentist appointments this morning. He woke up when we got there and did well for his VERY FIRST DENTIST APPOINTMENT!!!  Woo Hoo!  Only Buddy had cavities out of the 7 of us this year:)

I then went to my eye appointment (I need reading glasses :(   Buddy thinks it is funny...  I am hoping it helps with my increasingly frequent headaches.

Then we chose to go out to eat. What.were.we.thinking?  We had the 2 pickiest eaters with us so we stopped to get a pizza for Buddy, Chinese for JJ, and we went to the Mexican restaurant (I have REALLY been wanting their guacamole). Bad idea. JJ was just too wound up from sitting at the dentist office for 2 hours and early mornings 2 days in a row (tomorrow is our first day of home school co-op. I am already anticipating bad, bad things...). Half way through the meal JJ jabbed his straw through the Styrofoam glass and got water everywhere. I was laughing hysterically but my husband did not think it was funny.  I then took him to the restroom (saying "hi" to several people I knew) then JJ headed to the front door where there are the $.25 gumballs and stickers to buy. I said "no."  Repeatedly. He decided "no" was not the response he wanted and let anyone in listening distance know that. Repeatedly. I finally got my hands on him in a way that he wasn't grabbing the items and the door so I could get him out the door.  I kept hoping that no one would call DHHS on me. I kept very calm. Finally I got him to the car where Buddy was sitting. After informing JJ of all of things he was grounded from and for how long I informed him I was going back to get my food.  I realized I would have to walk past all of the people who just saw me walk out with him (during the busy lunch hour).

At that point I realized that I wasn't embarrassed. Nope. I was a little surprised by that and then realized that God must have given me my children to embarrass me to the point that I won't even feel embarrassment anymore. Well God, it is working:)  Please don't up the ante though...please?

Resolution: 10 of 12

This was over all a much better week.  Yay me!

Exercised 5 days this week at the level 4 and today I finally was able to do almost all of the exercises exactly the way she says to do them.  This level.is.hard.

Eating, eh, portion control but eating what the family eats as I am not putting the effort into separate meals. So, they are higher in carbs.

Bible reading and family prayer: going better.

***********

Last week was really hard on me. This week was better. I have had more energy and felt more hopeful. I even engaged in a couple of "extra" activities this week that I committed to and they went ok:)  

Thursday I listened to more of the EMDR conference I went to. They recorded all of the sessions and I had until tomorrow to watch the ones that I wanted to see but didn't get to (it was hard to decide between various breakout sessions when they were all so good!).  So I watched another 6 hours of conference after I worked only 1/2 a day. There was one by Dr. Gabor Mate that was excellent. I will be purchasing his books. He is a physician who supports the benefits of EMDR. The conference I watched on Thursday was "When the Body Says No." He speaks a lot about the connection between stress and disease (and addictions) - how stress on the body leads to disease in the body. It really hit home for me and has made me think about my own need to be better at creating boundaries so that I can continue to function well. Many of his talks are on youtube if you want to look him up. He was born in Hungary in 1944 - during Hitler's reign and his discussion of how that experience affected/s him/his family/etc is fascinating. He is a very personable speaker who does not follow a set rigid power point which drove me crazy during the first session, but then I came to really appreciate his wisdom and stopped worrying if he was following a set outline or not. I am such an "in the box" thinker. Sheesh. I greatly appreciate his "outside the box" ness. 

Anyway, it was a good reminder of how I need to streamline, say "no" more, focus on what matters and let the rest go until there are fewer children in the house, etc. Somehow this is going to have to affect my work schedule. And will have me delegating even more to my husband. But it is all good:)

I was having a pretty tough issue lately that was negatively affecting an important relationship in my life. I knew it was my issue and even knew what some of the triggers were so I did EMDR. I am happy that the situation has arisen several times since then and I did not respond irrationally/overly emotionally. Have I mentioned the excellent healing benefits of EMDR?  ;)

Yesterday I got some cleaning done and made a quadruple batch of banana bread.Today I made homemade salsa, a double batch of taco casserole, crescent rolls, 19 quarts of spaghetti sauce (and canned it), puppy chow, and home made bread. And did ALL of the dishes. All before 1/2 time of the football game (that we thankfully won!). My back was killing me from all of the standing so I let myself stop at 1/2 time. We had an activity that I really wanted to go to tonight but I knew that my body just wasn't going to let me so we didn't go. I am ok with that. I say "no" to a lot of social opportunities and while I know that doesn't let me connect with my friends, the reality is that right now my life is at home and work. Friendships are what have been put on the back burner for years now and I just have to be ok with that. Maybe when the kids are all gone we will find a few couples to travel the world with;) Or maybe my husband and I will just travel the world with each other. Or spend it attending grand kid activities. I suspect that we will have a grandchild or two to dote on in our empty nest years;)

 

Resolution: 9 of 12

Exercise: only 3 times this week. We were gone last weekend through Monday afternoon at an outdoor Christian music festival. It was a good time for the family:) But between that and my work I only was able to work out Th, Fri, and Sat. Saturday I started the Level 4 workout. Ouch. I also had a migraine T - Th so that slowed me down.

Eating: obviously not as good with being gone for the weekend. At least the very high prices (like $25 for a pizza) kept me from buying junk food at the festival lol!

Prayer and Bible reading: ok

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Mostly I am at a point where I am stretched extremely thin. I notice that when I am at this level of stress and being overwhelmed I retreat into myself and become "fine." I have committed to extra responsibilities over the next 2 months that haven't even started yet. And when that it done it is hunting season. I know that sounds silly, but in this house it is not. My husband is an amazing husband and stay at home father and home schooling father...but I know that Nov and Dec (and part of January) it is my turn to pull the weight that he pulls the other 9.5 months of the year (he is already gone hunting a couple of days a week. It will get really intense in November). My job is getting busier, I don't know what is happening in my family much anymore and in an attempt to rectify that I committed to some home school responsibilities for Co-op that I am not sure I can adequately meet (obviously all of the other teachers are SAHM's while I work full time hours), and I have added extra work responsibilities that are an incredible honor to have been asked to perform but will involve time to attend and time to prepare for several presentations. None of this is bad (except that my house is a wreck and I am out of touch with what my kids are doing). I am delighted to be a part of all of it. But right now I am...in survival mode. Which is probably why my migraines have worsened:(  I am so thankful that my husband and my accountability partner are my "Aaron" and "Hur" right now. I am seeking to serve God and know this is just a busy season. I am thankful that God has placed people around me to sustain me as I keep moving forward:) So, I will keep on with the exercising knowing that I feel better by doing it and it will help me to continue to serve the way I do, but I will admit that I am having to really talk myself into working out now whereas before I enjoyed it. I guess that is normal though lol!

Resolution: Eight of Twelve

Everything is pretty much the same. That is good and discouraging...

But, I must add, I had forgotten what simple freedom there is in simply bending over without pain!!!!!  In fact, I am having to relearn my posture when standing and when bending over now. For 8 years I have adjusted how I stand, bend, twist, vacuum, sweep, do dishes, wash my hands, etc. just to do it with minimal pain. Now I have to try to rethink all of my motions to make sure that I am using the right posture, because my old way no longer serves its purpose of decreasing pain.

Even though the pain is not completely gone, it is much better than it has been in almost a decade. I need to remember that when I am discouraged. I need to remember that when I don't really want to get up early and get the work out in before I start my day (I know myself, if I don't do it first thing it will not get done). I need to remember that when I started this the #1 reason was to strengthen my back and that appear to be happening, so that is a win:)

Resolution: Seven of Twelve Weeks

Exercising: I worked out 5 days this week. Still no more weight loss:( Today I started up at the next level. I groaned when I started the 2nd DVD and discovered that there are not THREE levels to this...there are FOUR!!!!  Ugggg.  So...I guess it is just slow torture lol!

Clean Eating: Right now I have cleaned up my eating a lot (essentially no unhealthy snacks and decreasing carbs in meals), moved back to eating more or less what the family is eating but in smaller portions, and have continued to eat a lot of fruit. However, today I did make chocolate chip cookies and ate...4.

Bible Reading: Making good progress.

Prayer: going well.

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This has been yet another very hard week. Tons of work hours that are extra - most of them not involving payment. For example, I am sitting in a simulcast conference yesterday, today, and tomorrow from 8:30 - 5:30 each day learning more about EMDR with different populations thankfully from the comfort of my own home. That meant that I could not take Superman and Faith to their first day of school at the Christian school they now attend. And my husband has morning carpool to the public school where Grace attends at the same time (we do afternoon carpooling after school from the Christian school) so could not go. So...we took pictures here at home (my camera WILL NOT let me download those pictures:(    and sent them with the carpool. Then we found out that every single other parent was there and they did a little ceremony. Our kids were the only ones without a parent there and I feel terrible about it. But we did not know. And we had originally planned to be gone for this weekend attending this conference in person and would have really missed out...but...

I am reminded a lot lately of the many sacrifices that my family makes for me to work...and the many sacrifices that I make working for our family. It is heavy on my heart but it is our reality so I will just keep giving it to Jesus. My husband is such a saint. He has worked hard to keep the kids occupied so I have quiet for this conference. Today he took the kids to Scheels Customer Appreciation Day (big sacrifice for him;) and tomorrow he will have to teach Sunday School by himself (Beautiful will help) and corral the kids for the church picnic at the park afterwards. He does this all without complaint. He is a good, good man. I am infinitely blessed by him. If any of you are stay at home parents please know how much you bless your spouse when you do not complain about schedules changing up and emergencies coming up. And I pray your spouses make it up to you however you need (my husband is frequently reminding me that hunting season starts next week and Friday's are now his to go get his R and R (e.g. kill animals ;)

I am thankful for a Sovereign God in the chaos of this sin filled world:)

Kid Update: August 2016

It has been awhile since I have posted an update on the kids in general.

Grace: I will admit that after her last outburst on May 8 after which we considered having her in respite somewhere for awhile and dreaded the reality of summer... she did pretty well this summer! She went until the night of her first day back at school without another one of those types of incidents. Three months is the longest she has ever gone between them. We are thankful for that, and very thankful for a summer where we all got to breathe a little and just enjoy her:) She is growing into such a pretty young lady with thoughtful ideas and creativity.  Please keep praying for her increased maturity, impulse control, and decision making skills.

JJ: His issues have also improved over the summer. We discovered that with more frequent chiropractor appointments that he is vomiting much less often. Instead of every time he eats it is more like once very 1 - 2 days.

He is sleeping better!!!!  I have actually gotten him in a schedule that he is often asleep by 10:30!!!!  I almost don't know what to do with myself since I am used to going to sleep at 12:00 - 12:30 a.m. after he finally goes to sleep lol! We use essential oils on him that seem to be helping. We start his bedtime routine at 9:30 when Superman heads to bed. It takes a full hour for JJ to go through his "routine" that he likes before bed. But there are no complaints here since he is going to sleep much earlier. His big issue this summer was he wanted to get rid of pull-ups since they itch him (the vast majority of the time when he wakes at night to come to our bed it is because he is itchy. He is a very itchy kid). We told him that he needed to prove that if he didn't wet his pull up he could go to underwear at night. That has gone well and he hasn't had an accident in 2 weeks. The only problem with that is I have 4 bags of pullups and no more kids lol!  I will bless someone with them when we know we are done with them for sure:)  He still goes in stretches of sleeping all night in his own bed for days to a week, versus coming to our bed in the middle of the night for a week or longer. We can't quite figure that part out. But he has slept all night in his bed all but 1 night for the past week so I am thankful for the uninterrupted sleep this week!

His emotional outbursts are less frequent. His eating is improved. His speaking is improved. He starts school next week. We are home schooling him and he will be starting kindergarten. We shall see how it goes. Please pray for his compliance and agreement to actually learn things, and for my husband to handle that all well. I am sad that I work too much to be more than a part time partner in that...but that is reality...

Superman: He is starting 5th grade at the local Christian School. I am so excited for him to make new strong friendships, be accountable in the classroom to someone other than us so we aren't the "bad guys," and for him to be able to come into his own a bit. He turned 11 this summer and he is at the stage of wanting to start to break away from his siblings and be his own person. Can't blame him;)

Faith: She is also going to be a 5th grader at the Christian School. It has been a tough 10 months with her. Whoever thought it was a good idea to have 3 same aged kids certainly did NOT consider the ramifications of, uh, girls. I am so thankful that we only have 3 daughters and not all 6! Seriously though, Faith is as smart as a whip and we are excited to see what options the Christian school provides for her to progress toward some improved academic opportunities. We have seen some fruit in her attitude in the past 3 weeks and are hopeful it will continue:)

Buddy: He will be starting as a Junior next week. I cannot believe how sad I am about that! I still have 2 years with him at home and I am almost heart broken that he will graduate in 2 years and be moving on. I don't post much about him but he is such a steady rock in our home. I have mentioned that he is the kid most like me and I will miss having someone around who "gets" me like he does. I have been pushing some more social activities for him given that he is going to be an adult way too soon and he has, shockingly, not refused!  He will be taking a finance class with other home schoolers this fall. Hopefully it goes well:)

And.... Last but NOT least....Beautiful and her husband:) They are doing well. We have 2 grand puppies and a grand kitty. All I will say about that is I am glad they are at their house and not mine lol! Sometimes we see them a lot and sometimes we don't see them for a week. I have to laugh when she shows up after her husband heads to work and before her shift to eat food or just be around people because being in a house by herself is not something she is used to lol! Maybe when she does that I should head to her house to see what it is like to be uninterrupted for awhile. I would probably miss the chaos and come home soon too;)

Resolution: Week 6 of 12 Half way there!

Exercise: Still doing it 6 days a week.  I haven't lost any weight for 3 weeks now but, like I mentioned in last week's post, there are continued improvements shown in other areas. I bought some heavier weights to use during the workouts so that is making things harder but hopefully also helping.

Clean Eating: I am allowing myself to eat more of what the family is eating, even if they are more carbs and less healthy. Unfortunately I notice that actually makes me hungrier.

Bible Reading: still making progress

Family Prayer: still going ok.

*****************

This week has been really tough for me. I am finally over the dip but it was hard. I have worked a very hard schedule for awhile working a lot more hours than I was a year ago. It was necessary due to a bunch of unexpected expenses (like all of JJ's medical procedures) but it has still had a domino effect into the rest of life. JJ misses me A LOT and is constantly asking me if I am going to work that day. Most of the time I have to tell him that I am. I am VERY thankful that I can work and that I do the work that I do, I am not complaining. It has just been a stretch of more than what we are used to. My husband is extra stressed because he is home more without my help as backup. When I am actually home he is gone either getting projects/work done or just getting a break (totally understandable). And work has just been...harder. People dealing with much heavier issues, and a higher percentage of them, than normal.

So, Monday night I hit my limit. When I got home late I told my husband I was burned out and needed a break. Thankfully this was a light week for me. I think that God knew I was going to need a break so had respite planned for me. I technically only had M and T scheduled this week, about 13 hours less than usual. Wednesday was JJ's birthday so we had down time and fun together. Thursday I declared was my "stay-cation." I told all the kids I was on vacation and to lay low. Grace started school this week so that made part of the day easier. I have to laugh that in hindsight I think I still did all of the stuff that I normally would have had to do but for some reason giving myself the permission to call it "vacation" made it not seem as overwhelming lol! I even got to spend 2 1/2 hours visiting uninterrupted with a friend on Thursday. TWO AND ONE-HALF HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  UNINTERRUPTED!!!!!!!!!!!!  That is probably what helped the most:)

That and I have the most attentive, thoughtful, understanding husband ever. I know that I brag about him often but in complete honesty I could not do my life this way without him by my side. We were such different people 21 years ago and we often sit back and marvel at God's plan of putting us, two completely opposite people, together:)

Friday and Saturday I had several unexpected crises to deal with...which, given the issues I am dealing with lately did not really surprise me. But despite that my head is back on track and I have regained my perspective of my eyes on Jesus, my feet on the path He has for me...not my path, my trust in Him controlling my moments, and my hope in what He is doing in the world when it looks to me like it is simply falling apart.

Perhaps I need to declare one day a week a "vacation" every week;)

Resolution: Week 5 of 12

Exercise: I exercised every day but 1 due to my work schedule. It is the first week of the next level of intensity and I can certainly tell it ramped up but I can still handle it.

Clean Eating: Better than it was before I started this. It was my worse week of the program though. I let myself have a sub sandwich. I ate 2 brownies. I even drank 1/2 can of pop. And today we went to Pizza Ranch for JJ's birthday party and I let myself eat pizza. I did maintain good portion control though;) This week I learned that a major weakness for me is being hungry. I am trying to only eat when I get hungry and not just because it is meal time. However, then I get busy and don't eat. Then I get really hungry and get too tempted. It is good that I am learning about my temptations.

Prayer: going ok.

Bible Reading:  going ok.


I have not lost any more weight. I have decided that I am going to change my definition of "success." Instead of it being weight I am focusing on other things.

1) I have lost 4 inches around my stomach.

2) My husband notices that I am smaller. I had to laugh this week. I have asked him to prevent me from eating things I should not eat. I came home Thursday for about 20 minutes to eat quick. It wasn't a normal day to work and it had been a particularly tough day. So I sat down to eat JJ's left over 6 inch sub from our home school field trip the day before and grabbed a bag of potato chips. I don't normally eat chips even when not on this diet but I did. After my husband listened to me rant a bit he smiled, then took the bag of chips away from me. I asked him what in the world he was doing. He said he was appreciating how nice I was looking and wanted to help by keep the chips away. Darn accountability anyway...

3) I was able to wear clothes this week I haven't been able to wear in over a year.

4) I can do squats properly with shins vertical and get down to under 90 degree angle and back up without hanging on to anything. AND with weights.

5) I can do lunges forward and back without hanging on to anything. Without falling over. And with weights.


This really leads to one of the biggest reasons that I started this in the first place. My herniated disk. It was 6 years ago last month that it was diagnosed, although I wonder if the pain I dealt with for over 2 years before that was because of it but not correctly diagnosed. Six years ago my pain was at its worst. I was unable to roll over in bed by myself. I dreaded going to sleep because I knew the next sensation I would be aware of was intense pain (It was so horrible in the morning). I cannot even describe the extent of the pain and it permeated every.single.aspect of my life. I still laugh when I bend over the sink to wash my hands because the habit to bend over sideways to put the pressure of the bending on my side instead of my back muscles is so ingrained as it was less painful. And I still catch myself doing it. There were times I would just sob with the pain and my husband would just sit there helpless to make it better. Only 1 month after I was diagnosed and started 3x a week traction JJ came home. The chiropractor did not think bringing JJ home at that time was a good idea, but that was when he was born so that is when he came:) Thankfully he was only 5 lbs since I could not even lift 10 lbs. It was good that he was so small, and that he slowly gained weight and wanted to be carried everywhere as I think it helped to strengthen my back.

Then I had to nurse JJ since he couldn't handle formula and thus I could not take any pain meds or anti-inflammatory meds. Uggg. It was such a horribly painful time of my life. I learned never ever to do anything that would put any pressure on my back muscles. Everyone knows that pain is a great motivator - a motivator to never do whatever creates that pain lol! Of course that also led to weakened core muscles and general poorer fitness.

I was really nervous to start this program as usually doing any lifting/weights bending straight down and back up, etc is will mean that I can't move for a week. However, after 5 weeks of doing this every single day except 3 total I am NOT in pain like that. My muscles ache, yes, but I am daily amazed that I don't have pain shooting down my leg, I don't cringe every time I bend over, and this level 2 workout that adds weights AND bending straight over and back up with resistance is not increasing my pain levels. Am I still sore every day. Sure. But nothing like what I am used to dealing with on a daily basis.


So, my definition of success is now not weight based but based on my pain levels, my comfort levels in my clothes, and my body feeling better. I had to laugh earlier this week when I wore a skirt that I had just bought this spring. With an elastic waist for comfort. But now it is falling down when I wear it... So I will have to figure out how to take in the waist. Not a terrible problem to have I guess;)

Resolution: Finished Week Four of Twelve

Exercise: I exercised all 7 days this week both the intensive and the core workouts. The last weeks I have had 1 day where I did not get the intensive done. Today I stepped up to the second tier of the intensive and core workouts. Ouch.

Despite that, I have hit the wall with my weight:( I did not lose any more weight this week. That has been discouraging but I know that my rings are lose on my fingers, my pants are loose on me, and people are telling me they are noticing. So... I guess I will keep up with the workouts and be happy if I can just lose 1 lb a week:)


Clean Eating: I have done really well with this one this week. I still drink a protein shake for 1 or 2 meals a day.  One of the goals I have for myself is not just to eat better, but also to understand where my eating habits got skewed from "healthy." I have shared before that I learned that I was eating JJ's left overs (which are substantial since he rarely finishes anything he asks to eat). This week I was surprised when we were shopping yesterday (at Menards of all places) how much I was tempted to buy candy/junk in the check out isle. That is very much not me and I was surprised by the temptation - possibly it was because I knew I "couldn't" that made it worse. Then we went to WalMart for school shopping and I really had a hard time in the food isles. It was close to supper and since I was at work/then shopping all afternoon I could not snack on fruit like I was used to. I finally had to tell my husband we just needed to get out of there quick as I was increasingly wanting to impulsive buy junk.

But beyond that, I think it was also emotional craving. I normally am not one for candy. I don't even drink pop (or coffee) as I don't like the taste of all that sugar (or the smell of coffee). But when I am upset I will let myself have a bite of two of something chocolate. I found myself wanting to do that some this past week and made myself leave the kitchen so I would not be more tempted (much to my children's frustration as I also then burned more food than usual this past week by not staying and watching what I was cooking...sigh...).

Also, a couple of days ago someone asked me about Superman and Faith's younger sister that we had for a couple of months and it really got all of that emotion stirred back up. I was actually surprised as I thought I had dealt with it and resolved my anger and frustration over the whole things. But...apparently not. Anyway, that brought up a lot of WANT for chocolate and junk. I noticed it in the stores and when we got home. I was able to resist but it opened my eyes to another area of temptation that I did not really think about. I mean, my husband loves to buy me Reese's Peanut Butter Cups for Christmas - the 2 lb package with only 2 cups in it? It usually takes me 10 - 12 months to eat the entire thing with a bite or two a week or less (i keep it in the fridge). But it would have been days like yesterday that I would have had a bite or two. More pieces for me to understand as I wage war with understanding my temptations and my attempts at self control.


Family Prayer:  We found a routine that is working well.


Bible Reading: Making good progress.

Resolution: Finished Week Three of Twelve

Exercise: I exercised 6 out of 7 days. I had a crazy busy work week so gave myself 1 night off as I was exhausted. I have lost 8 lbs so far. I am 3 lbs away from my original goal that I had hoped to meet in 12 weeks. Hopefully I will get those 3 off and then I can work on the next goal, which will be another 12 lbs after that. I figure if I keep taking it in small steps I will feel like I am making progress;) I am tempted not to put my goals on here in case I don't make them, but I need the accountability. I reserve the right to say that gained muscle weight lol!

Clean Eating: it is easier and easier. I am not near as hungry as I used to be. Whether that is from healthier food, increasing my water intake from 2 quarts to 1 gallon a day (which is a pain when I work 12 hours back to back with no breaks lol!), or the exercising (I was very hungry the day after I didn't exercise..odd). Yesterday I made diabetic friendly real blueberry muffins made with Xylitol and ate several. It was the first "bread" I've let myself eat in 3 weeks. I am not going carb free, just healthier carbs. I have had some moments when I have gotten cravings. I try to stay ahead of it by not letting myself get hungry by eating a lot of fruit, or by going to my room for awhile and working on organizing to keep my away from the kitchen until I gain back some better control.

Family Prayer: We have again tweaked the system and it seems to be working better to be sure our whole list of prayer items get prayed through in every day.

Bible Reading: I did not get 6 weeks worth of reading done this week like I did last week, but I did continue to make progress:) time was super crunched this week working 12 hours more than I am used to, but I know my schedule waxes and wanes and I won't beat myself up about it.

On to week four...

Resolution: Finished Week Two of Twelve!

For accountability purposes I will report out every week how I have done with my Resolution.

1) I have exercised every day. There is a "core" workout and an "intensive" workout. I have done the "core" every day and the "intensive" 5 days a week.

I have lost 5 lbs so far. I know that weight comes off faster at the beginning but it is helping me to stay motivated.

I am also not sore anymore!  Bonus lol!

2) Clean eating: I have been really good about the clean eating. I have been out to eat twice and chose healthy options like fruit and grilled chicken. I drink protein shakes 2 meals a day (usually) and eat only fresh fruit and mixed nuts for snacks. I am learning to stay ahead of the hunger so I am less tempted to cheat. I have discovered that my biggest problem is actually JJ. When he doesn't finish his food I can't stand throwing it away so I will finish it. I did not let myself do that more than once this 2 weeks. I even threw away an entire ice cream cone! I am actually surprised at how much LESS hungry I am than I was before.

One day I ate a not as healthy meal (our anniversary meal out where JJ ate my healthy food I ordered and I ended up with his food of broiled fish and linguine lol). I could not believe how lethargic and yucky I felt after the meal. It, too, was a good motivator to stick with the clean eating.

3) Family Prayers: admittedly this area is improving...but not at optimal...

4) Bible Reading: I got up 6 weeks worth of reading. I hope to be caught up in the next couple of weeks.

I know that now is the time when I will get tempted to skip days so this extra level of public accountability will be an important motivator for me:)

Our 21st Anniversary Week: The Kids Gone and Home from Camp!

Today is our 21st anniversary:) We celebrated by...sending the Middles to camp all week lol!  Seriously, we had a full week. We had hoped for part of Wed and all day Thursday off to do something fun but that did not really happen.

Monday and Tuesday I had my normal 12 hour days, so that was typical.  Tuesday night we had a college friend's son come with 2 friend to spend the night on their way back from vacationing in another state. It was great to see him again after 4 years and catch up:) The last time I saw him he was a Freshman in high school and now he is graduated!  Makes me feel old lol!

Wednesday we just barely had enough time to go to a town an hour away to go pick up our other car that we had to put a new transmission in. Not happy about the transmission thing (which is why we usually always buy new cars and drive them until they are...well used), but we had just enough time to go to Red Lobster for lunch before I had to get back for work so we made that our "anniversary dinner." We had Buddy and JJ with us and it was nice to spend time with them. Buddy is so quiet and hides away when the Middles are around, and to get him to actually go out with us is a feat (other than to a movie he wants to see;) Lunch was hilarious. JJ must be in a growth spurt and he ate, and ate, and... ate. I ordered grilled chicken trying to be healthy and JJ insisted on fish although we were pretty sure he wouldn't eat it. Mine came with shrimp (that I won't eat but he will) and I ordered fruit. So...do you see where this is going? Yes, JJ ate my chicken, fruit, and shrimp, and Buddy's mozzarella sticks, and my husband's shrimp, and some of his linguine. I got the fish lol! I do not like sea food. It is crazy to me that our two most picky eaters both really like sea food lol!

Then my husband drove home the now fixed car and I took the boys home. I stopped to have Buddy drive home and JJ yelled, "No!!!!  We are all going to die!!!!" I had never driven with Buddy yet and was very pleased to find him to be a very careful driver:)

Thursday we had to take a quick trip north 35 miles for separate errands. Then he got a call from the museum he frames pictures from 75 miles the other direction saying they needed him to come get a picture ASAP to frame for a magazine article. Then I got a call to see someone at the hospital...so we finally got to see each other after supper last night. So  much for our "free" day lol! Such is life.

Today, our anniversary, was also typical of our life. We got the kids picked up from camp. Faith was at horsemanship camp so she had a great time riding horses all week. But, her closing program (since she was int he 3rd group) was at the same time as Superman and Grace's closing program so we didn't see theirs at all:(  It was hot, dusty, smelly, and I was reminded of why I don't camp (and yet another reminder as well of how Buddy's idiosyncrasies are really my genetics - he also would never camp lol!)

We got home and had 1 hour and 15 minutes to shower everyone, eat lunch (Beautiful came over to eat with us and to hear about the kids' camp experiences - adding in many of her own), unpack and start to wash all of their belongings, undo all of Faith's hair and wash it really good, and get ready for the Bible Study I lead for Faith, Grace, and several of their same aged friends. Bible study went well and then I was off to a town 25 minutes away to meet with a friend who moved away 18 months ago. I got to eat with her and catch up - then bring home take out for my husband and I to eat for supper and got pizza for the kids.

After supper I took 3 of the kids to the pool (I won't say more than this, but please, please be in prayer for Faith. We are having some very serious issues with her and if they are not improved may need to consider...alternatives).

Anyway, JJ was so excited to have his big brother back at the pool with him. But Superman LOVES to dive and back flip off of and experience the diving board rather than play in the shallow end. JJ asked for a life jacket and to go off the slide. After a couple of times he announced he was going to go off the diving board. Honestly, I didn't believe him, but did humor him. He has gone off the diving board twice this summer and both times it was after I hung him off of the and gently dropped him from not far above the water. He has wanted NOTHING to do with the board.  But, he got right up on the diving board and jumped off with no hesitation! Then he tried to do a flip! The third time he wanted to try to do back flip. I yelled, "no!" Then I thought that I really shouldn't be trying to stop him from trying new things so amended it to, "please just don't hit your head on the board." So he jumped off backwards! He went over and over about 15 times before the pool closed, even trying a back/sideways flippy thingy. Superman models well for him:)


I will finish this with some funny thoughts about our kids and camp. It has been fun for us to pick the kids up from camp and hear what was so memorable to them. Every time we picked up Beautiful from camp it was always, "I saw deer! and turkeys! and......" every kind of animal she could possibly find out there. When she was a teenager it became about animals AND pranking other cabins (and the horses, she always did horsemanship camp).

Faith: she got the horse that Beautiful always rode at camp. She enjoyed riding and having her own camp experience since we separated her and Grace this year.

Grace: Pranking. She definitely enjoyed pranking people the most. Of course;) She came back so kind, gentle, thoughtful, and appreciative. We are hoping it lasts because it sure is precious!

Superman: Pranking. He also enjoyed the pranking. He also really liked his cabin leader who had been  in foster care 3 times. It was good for him to see another man who has been in foster care and is doing well now:)  Superman is a kid who has such a heart for Jesus and to serve others. We often talk with him about his being a "peacemaker" and how there is a time and a place to be a peacemaker, but also a time to set good boundaries so one is not taken advantage of - and sometimes others' need to experience the consequences of their choices and we can't always jump in and fix them or they won't learn to make better choices. Anyway, he is always aware of other's discomfort and wanting to make it better. Apparently last night the boys slept outside. Superman woke in the night and another boy was shivering and really cold...so he gave the boy his sleeping bag and just slept on the ground with his pillow. To be completely honest, I am struggling between wanting to commend him for having such a servants heart and wanting to remind him that he can't harm himself in the process (although this was the hottest week of the summer so I don't really know how cold it actually got).  That struggle right there just goes to show that Superman is a far less selfish person than I am. He is a diamond in the rough:)

So, that is our anniversary week - in essence a synopsis of our life as a whole. Busy. Chaotic. Unexpected chasing. Special moments that we have to chose to stop and savor in the midst of everything else. And reminders that God is at work in our kids' hearts and we get to watch what He chooses to do, or not do, with them:)

A New Resolution

After I successfully made it through a week without my husband and oldest son, reinforcing my already solid belief that I never ever want be a single mother (I threaten my husband often that he cannot die until they are all graduated lol!), I thought I would continue the challenge. Competition with my brother you know;) So after my brother and I discussed that I probably passed that week with a solid 50% rating of success I decided that I need to keep it up. Raise the bar a bit. Work toward that 60% rate of success.

Between that and my lower back/herniated disk/some other health issues, I decided that some things needed to change. Hence, my new Resolution. I am hoping to hit it with at least a 60% success rate. Time will tell.

1) I started a new exercise program. A program that is supposed to help strengthen my core muscles that support my lower back so that I experience less pain. Just walking on the treadmill 4-5 days a week wasn't doing that for me. I can safely say that after only 2 days of the intensive workout that 1 of 2 things are happening.

Either a) my lower back really is strengthening since I do not have any discernible pain there at all despite the typical constant presence of the pain and the additional working out or

b) The rest of my body is in so much pain that I can't discern any pain from my lower back. Quite honestly, I am thinking it is B. I cannot believe how much my body hurts.  JJ had me up for 90 minutes in the middle of the night due to nasty mosquitoes bites itching him AND I am in a lot of pain. So, I took a nap this afternoon. I slept very hard and when I woke I thought it was Saturday. All the way from my bedroom up the stairs (which took a while, because stairs are my nemesis right now...along with sitting...and walking...) I thought it was Saturday. When I finally got to the top of the stairs I almost cried with relief that it is only Friday and I have an extra day to heal before church:) Best.news.today!

2) Healthy clean eating. I am having a harder time with this than the exercising. I normally don't like a lot of junk, but when I now "can't" have it it makes the temptation all that much worse. But, I have committed to 3 months of it (that is how long the program is) so I will prevail. Also, I keep thinking about my husband having diabetes and I really am just eliminating the things that he already cannot have. If he has to do it, I can do it too:)

As a side note, we all know that my cooking is not always...appreciated. Tonight I made homemade mac and cheese for the kids (fruit protein shake for me...yay!). I had given up on making homemade mac and cheese when the now teenagers discovered the boxed stuff when the middles were toddlers and then preferred that. I refuse to make the boxed stuff. But...today I made it homemade for them and...they ALL had second helpings!  EVEN BUDDY!!!!!  Buddy is my harshest food critic by far. He cooks for himself and I consider it a HUGE success if he eats what I make. So now I can add homemade mac and cheese to homemade pizza, fried eggs, pancakes, waffles, and spaghetti;) Of course he will eat my husband's grilled or fried chicken or steak or burgers - but I don't make those;)

Another side note, JJ must be in a massive growth spurt. He has eaten constantly for 2 days. He has eaten seconds of everything today AND eaten far more frequently than usual. Even HE loved my mac and cheese!!! We will have to measure him again soon:)

3) Family prayers. This tends to get to the back burner. We made a new system and tried it out today. I am hopeful it will work better to get everyone involved. We also started a new devotional method so I hope that will be successful as well.

4) Bible Reading. I have read through the Bible multiple times, and this year I am attempting to get it done in 1 year. I found an accountability partner in January who has been very helpful but always realistic and gracious when I am not on schedule. I do not like that I am behind so I have also resolved to get back on track with the reading schedule.

5) Chores. Since school got out we have been working on expanding the chore list for the Middles. It helps my husband's and my stress levels when we are not the only ones cleaning up after others, etc. When my husband was gone I decided to teach the Middles to clean their bathrooms. I have added doing their own laundry (except Grace...), and other household duties. The girls are being taught how to load and unload the dishwasher, and wash dishes. I am also keeping them by my side when I cook and trying to talk my way through it to teach them the why's and how's. Many of you probably have done that with your kiddos for a long time already. I did with Beautiful and Buddy. But, when we ended up with 3 toddlers at the same time, keeping them in the kitchen with me was not happening. At all. So now I am working to get the kids more involved in the kitchen and being more responsible in that way. I have to cater to their own giftedness (and attitudes) but it has been in place about a month (at least the additions to their previous chore lists) and it has been going ok. Grace likes to ask "why" a lot (e.g. why do we have to do this? what is the point? and "this is boring") which is really just putting voice to the thoughts I can see in the other's faces/body language, but they are coming around.

Things have been going better since school got out (since the Colorado trip and starting EMDR with them around that time). Attitudes and behaviors are less frequent or less difficult to correct. As a whole this has been the calmest our house has been in 10 years since the adoptions began. There is no way I will say it is "calm." But it is the calmest. Therefore, I felt it was the best time to get out of "survival mode" and start herding the family toward some more "life skills training." I hate life stuck in the mindset of "I just have to survive long enough to get to bed again and sleep." I like not cringing when a child walks in the room because it is accompanying a "she said/she said" complaint.

Oh, I forgot to mention that now any time a child comes with a "she said/she said" complaint that they are sat down at the kitchen table and only allowed to speak about themselves and their own sin/role in the conflict. They are not allowed to say a word about what the other person did (unless we ask for the purpose of clarification). They are not allowed to get up until they have both admitted to their roles in the conflict. They then must write down 5 things they like about the sibling. It is significantly cut down on the tattling and I wish I had thought of it a long time ago lol! They are still plenty naughty, but reducing the verbal barrage of hate has helped...it seems.

In a month Grace will head off to Public School and Superman and Faith will head off to the local Christian School. We are excited for this new change in our family. Next I need to get to work on the curriculum for our 2 remaining home schoolers...Buddy and JJ. A Junior and a Kindergartner. It is a good thing that Buddy is self-teaching:)

So, now that I have laid this out here I am accountable publicly as well. I hope that I hit that 60% success rate...We shall know in 3 months which is how long I am resolved to this new plan to give it a chance to become habit and work out the kinks;)