I have put off posting for months now as I am not sure what to say. With regards to the girls, a friend said it best, " There just aren't words for this kind of pain." Faith came home at Easter and was supposed to be here for 2 days. We had our Easter with all of our kids (not Grace) and it was awkward. That night she was watching a show that I thought had questionable content and asked her about it. She got angry and I just straight out asked her "what do you want from us? What are we doing here? What is our goal?" She said she didn't want to f...ing be here and never wanted to f...ing come back. So, my husband loaded her up and got her back to the group home at 10:30 at night. She didn't talk during the entire drive. We haven't heard a word from her since then. It has been 3 months. Her birthday was this past week so we called the home to see how she was doing and how to proceed for communication for her birthday. She hasn't mentioned us once. The only emotion she shows there is "to be mean." We decided to send a card. She did not acknowledge Mother's or Father's Day (which was not a surprise) but did not acknowledge Superman's birthday at all. That felt cruel (they are bio siblings). When we asked him if he wanted to call her on her birthday he was ambivalent and said she wouldn't talk anyway so there was probably no point. She is a narcissist through and through.
Grace - uff da. I don't even know what to say. We were not having contact due to her not having yet made an apology for her choices that led to her going back to the group home. We finally got that letter (which she called and read to us in front of staff) the last week of April. She had been gone for almost 4 months at that point. We then agreed to resuming 5 minute phone calls once a week. The night of the first call we got another visit from police that she had made another allegation. She had gone into her first session of therapy and said who knows what. We stopped contact. After 7 weeks of calling the group home and insisting that the situation be addressed rather than just avoiding and burying heads in sand, we just got to have a phone call last week with her and the 3 people most in charge of her. She, as expected, said the information she shared was "misunderstood" and how much she misses us and loves us and wants to see us. She has no idea. No idea the impact of her actions and words. She apologized, again, and everyone in charge knows that she fabricated information. But she gets a new therapist next month (they are all interns who rotate every 6 months - yes, that is a very very bad choice for kids of this caliber and attachment needs rotating out newbie therapists every 6 months) and we will see if it happens again. I am attending a swim meet of hers this week in good faith that she is sincere about her apology. I will be attending by myself. Time will tell what the next drama will be.
I have been doing a lot of research on Borderline Personality Disorder. When I was in college (when dinosaurs roamed the earth) it was taught that BPD was a "nurture" problem due to abuse. However, current research is indicating that BPD is potentially 40% "nature" and 60% nurture. Therefore a much larger percentage is genetic and due to prenatal influences and early life. Her first two years were so chaotic pre-adoption.
My health: constantly changing so it has been hard to know what is relevant or important to share.
WATER: We found that I have toxic levels of several metals including lead, arsenic, uranium, etc. We had our water tested (and changed our plates, cooking pans, hair dye, etc). We found that our FILTERED water had twice as much arsenic in it than the FDA recommends. Twice. So, we bought a new filter machine and are waiting for the test results from that to see if it is working to eliminate the arsenic and uranium. We gave our results to the city a month ago and asked them about it. We have not heard back. I am now hyper aware of the water I drink. I am even a bit phobic about it. I bought a water jug to hold a huge amount of water that I take with me everywhere. I bought a special pitcher (not Britta) in case I am traveling. And I bought the water jug that has the filter at the end of the straw for when I can't carry water with me. I used to always order water at restaurants. Now I order Sprite because I am scared I am getting tap water that may be contaminated. I am scared in general what is in my food and water as a result of this. It is a good thing that we mostly eat home cooked meals. Every time I brush my teeth I am wondering how much arsenic I am getting in my body, etc. I can really get worked up about it.
Lyme: I just got bloodwork back that shows that my Lyme numbers went up after a year of treatment. That actually means that the bacteria are being pulled out of their hiding places in my body and therefore are accessible in my blood stream now to be detected. So that is good news (pulling from hiding places so can be eliminated). The bad news? My hot flashes are back with a major vengeance and making me miserable, affecting me sleep and just daily life. They make me nauseated. I used to be cold all of the time. I am now sick and tired of sweating and being clammy all.the.time. And my family is sick of being cold in a house that I have the AC set at 4+ degrees colder than it has ever been kept before - and I am STILL SWEATING. The other bad news is that my liver is overloaded with trying to eliminate the bacteria so we are starting something new to get that more efficient.
Pain: The good news is that I am having much much lower levels of pain. Being on the Lyme protocol, then adding Dr. Klinghardt's Lyme Protocol has been a game changer for the joint pain.
The lower back pain has had massive improvement from using a new chiropractor that utilizes the Gonstead method. I am very very impressed. I was able, at our local festival, to take our two year old grandson around on the rides. I LIFTED HIM into and out of rides. I stood for hours watching and following him around. I then later carried our 7 month old granddaughter until she fell asleep. I could not have done that a month ago. I could not even sweep the floor a month ago. I am not going to say I am not in any pain. But I have gone from daily pain at a 6-9 most of the time, to usually being at a 2-5. Major change.
I also was asked to contact a specialist via phone to talk about my pain. I was led to the name John Sarnos who has youtube videos and several books. I have read one of his books and started another. I was initially offended and very skeptical. However, the more I learn the more I realize how what he is teaching is not much different that what I am teaching people in psychotherapy about their sympathetic nervous system being activated and all of the mysterious ways the brain can work (when it "thinks" it is in protection mode). His work is on the Mind-Body connection. It, too, was a major game changer for me. The chiropractor was telling me that my paraspinal muscles were "like bricks." Dr. Sarno's book helped me understand that connection and work on that so that the chiropractic work could be more effective. It forced me to do some deep introspective work on my emotions (particularly anger) that I haven't allowed myself to feel (e.g. who has time for anger and what good would it do to acknowledge it when you can't change it? lol!). But that ongoing work has been very very fruitful. In fact, I stopped my injections...
So, life has been a mixed bag. I feel peace because I know that God has it all. He is not surprised by any of it. And the outcomes of all of this are not up to me (I need to do the work of healing, but He is in charge of the healing). That doesn't mean the process is peaceful, but I am, at the moment, seeing fruit of my efforts. Journeys always have ups and downs. I feel like I am walking several roads simultaneously and some are uphill while others are downhill at the moment. I am thankful that I am still walking:)
