Reflections on this week...

What a hard week this has been.  What a week where God has taken me through a roller coaster of emotions and insights.  He has stretched me.  He has made me see my sin more clearly.  He has made me have a deeper level of compassion where I mistakenly thought I already had plenty.  This is another one of those deeply vulnerable posts of mine.  Feel free to not continue.

When we first got the news about the girls we were angry.  The "system" is broken.  How could the girls be in a situation where it was known that HHS did not have to enact reunification efforts because of previously terminated parental rights...yet they did not seek out where those children were placed?!?  It still frustrates and grieves me very deeply.

This has led to deep feelings of an utter lack of control.  While I "know" that I have no control and I "know" God is sovereign over EVERYTHING and I have seen His hand work in utterly miraculous ways over and over and over in our lives (e.g. our fire, our adoptions, etc), this still has felt like a staff person's "mistake."

I poured through 1 and 2 Kings reminding myself over and over the consequences of living in a depraved world led by depraved leaders where sinners make decisions...and mistakes...that affect countless people.  I tried to comfort myself reading how God's hand was clearly working, even though most of it was about discipline of a rebellious people.  However, that is where America (and many other nations) are at now, being rightly disciplined by a Holy God and dealing with the consequences of making laws/decisions that are not God's laws/decisions.

Making myself ponder these truths proved to be too painful...so I escaped.  My ultimate mode of escape is reading.  I forbid myself from reading fiction because I know that I will not stop.  I have read perhaps 5 books of fiction in the past 10 years (maybe not even that many) aside from reading to the children as I know the lure of it for me.  Then I do not do the things I ought to be doing.  But, in the past 3 days I have read 3 long books of fiction purely for escape.  Purely for entertainment.  Without a shred of useful knowledge in them.

I just needed to stop the headache.  I needed to stop the feeling of being kicked in the gut.  I read late into the night and got up early to read because I whenever I am awake I am thinking...about the girls... (ironically sounds like excuses I hear from people who use drugs/alcohol, etc lol!)

How ridiculous is this, I keep telling myself!  I do not know these girls!  I don't even know their names!  I know their ages, that they are girls, that they are the siblings of our children, and that they had to have not the most stable and pleasant experiences in their young lives to date.  How can I be so attached to them and desire to hold them and kiss away their tears and tell them that I would be their forever mommy!  How can I be so grieved for yet another loss for our children, and for the girls who will grow up with even less of their family than they (I keep telling myself, again ridiculously) SHOULD have been raised with!  If life was perfect they SHOULD have been raised in a loving, God fearing home with BOTH their bio mom AND dad. Millions of orphans in this world grow up without their siblings in much worse situations.  What is my problem!  But...I also know from having adopted bio siblings that there is a bond between them that is far different than the bond with the other siblings.

Then...I started to think the unthinkable...  I began to think that I don't even want to know them...that it would be "easier" to just forget about them.

WHAT!  What can that possibly be about?!?!?  Ahhh...God revealed to me the impatience I have had dealing with the birth families of our adopted children and how they have clearly communicated to us that it just too hard and they want contact to be minimized.  That was so painful!  I have thought, "but what about the child?"

Yet, here I am thinking the same thing.  I cry and cry thinking about how I feel like I have lost my children.  My children!  AS IF THEY WERE MY CHILDREN TO LOSE!!!  AS IF I HAVE EVEN MET THEM TO FORM AN ATTACHMENT!!!   I have thought how I have been spared the loss of miscarriage or dealing with infertility.  This loss must be about 1% of what that would be and it is devastating!

Yesterday we went for a walk in the warm weather and as I was pushing  the stroller I kept thinking that I SHOULD be pushing a double stroller.  Again, the ridiculousness of my thoughts this week has been quite revealing of my sense of "shoulds" in my life (yes, I know that is pride), my lack of trusting in my sovereign God, and the awareness of such a "loss" that is not even really a loss of anything I ever had!

If I were to think of the top 10 parents in the WORLD I would not want them raising my child.  How painful then to think that if we were to meet this family they may...xyz...bringing us grief in how the girls are raised.  Again, what RIGHT do I have to how the girls are raised!  And, even more painfully, to realize that this family may probably exceed our parenting abilities 1000 fold!   Uggg.

We have not had any response from HHS since Monday other than the children's adoption case worker "thought" that the other family would be excited to meet us and the kids.  Perhaps they are worried that we may fight the situation and don't want to contact us.  Right now...I'm not sure what I want to have happen...  I am praying that God opens the door if it is His will, and keeps it closed if that is His will.  I will say that the things that have been His will for me to experience this week have been plenty hard to stomach already and yet I am very astutely aware they they pale violently in comparison to the many, many struggles that I know my friends are dealing with regarding their children at this time.

Also, interestingly, we had until now felt perfectly content to be "done" with 6.  But we have prayed for this child for 3 years, ever since we had been told we would get him/her at birth.  I don't know why but we had always referred to her as "her."  We "knew" she was a girl.  We had waited for 2.5 years holding on to our foster license "in case" she came into the system, finally releasing it in April of this year.  Wanting to adopt again only if one of our children's siblings were in the system for adoption.  After all...EIGHT children!  All the more ironic how hard this week has been!

It makes me feel like a whimp to not be able to get a handle on this.  So,
I refuse to pick up another fiction book...at least for awhile.
I will force myself to deal with this head on.
I will delight in the many, many blessings that I have.
I will cling to my sovereign God and try to stay vulnerable for Him to stretch and grow me to be more like Him.

If anyone asks me how I am doing, like several have done this week, I will say that I am fine.  I have no right to say anything else.  As a sinner I am already blessed beyond anything I deserve because Christ loves me and died for me...and I am so glad that He loves those girls more than I ever possibly can and He will orchestrate the paths of their lives perfectly in His will and power.

Devastated:(

In researching the whereabouts of Superman and Faith's mom yesterday I emailed their old HHS caseworker in hopes that there was an off hand chance she may know about the 3 year old sibling and if s/he was safe.  You may recall that the day we adopted Superman and Faith we found out that their mother was due to have another child in 2 weeks.  We were told we would have that child.  We waited...then found out she fled the state to avoid losing the child.  We were sad but waited to see if she would ever return to the state and have HHS involvement.  We finally let our foster care license go 6 months ago having lost hope of getting that child...

This morning we found out that they have a sister who turned 3 this month...

and a sister who is 15 months...

both in our state...

both in state custody in foster homes.

both being adopted...

not by us...

we were never told...

we are devastated.

We feel totally kicked in the gut about this.  We are in disbelief.  We are numb.  Siblings are SUPPOSED to be kept together!  Apparently when the kids came into the system, because rights to Superman and Faith were terminated, the state did not have to prove the mother was unfit so the kids went right to an adoption worker and never entered "the system" that would have flagged us as having the older kids.  Ummmm...if they knew that there were other kids terminated on then why didn't they look for those kids' placements?!?!?!

The worker (who is wonderful and this is in no way her fault) is trying to get us in contact with the other foster parents so at least Superman and Faith can have contact with the kids and get to know them.  I am so incredibly sad that Superman and Faith will not get to grow up WITH their siblings!!  I know that JJ has at least 5 siblings out there "somewhere."  Grace has I think 6 or 7 siblings out there "somewhere."  Superman and Faith were the oldest and we were led to believe that we would get to raise any other younger siblings placed in foster care.  They have had SOO much loss already...then this.  I am downright frustrated.

I know that the system is not perfect at all.  But I also know that God has supreme authority over the system.  He knew when these kids got placed that they were not in our home...I am trying really, really hard to submit my emotions to this logic...this truth.  But in reality I just want to sit and cry and be frustrated.

I am trying to use logic:
Maybe if we would have gotten the girls somehow their mother would have found Superman and Faith.

Maybe if we would have gotten the girls they would have somehow been removed to another bio family member and Superman and Faith would have been devastated by being "left."

Maybe something else bad that I can't think of would have happened.

We "should" be happy that we even get to find out about the sisters and possibly have a relationship with them...right?

But it still hurts...

One very big truth remains that gives me some solace...if we would have had the 3 year old girl placed with us in November 2009...we would never have adopted JJ in August 2008.  I cannot imagine life without our precious son!!!

So...trying to submit my will to God's will...
Trying to trust His sovereignty and perfect, unerring plans for ALL life...
Trying to give him my grief and thank Him for the many blessings that I do have and so desperately do not deserve.
Trying to be thankful that each of our children get to grow up with 5 siblings, not trying to minimize this blessing!
Trying to also consider that maybe God knew that in this season of life...be content with 6 arrows in our quiver...

But it hurts...a lot...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_RN3nZMSJE

Trying to focus on the truths of this song and keep my eyes on Him as I grieve...

An Adoptive Mom's Reflection on, "Mommy"

This morning as I was walking with JJ to church he was repeating "mommy, mommy" in a precious sing song voice.  He was savoring the word.  He was enjoying that he was with me...his Mommy.  I hear JJ say "mommy" quite a bit if time.  He is a very clingy child and wants to be with me the vast majority of the time.  But, this morning his delighting in saying "Mommy" was different...and set me to reflecting.  The music and sermon in church kept my thoughts spinning and as I wept through much of church I thought about what mommy and Mommy have meant to me.  Perhaps it was because 10 years ago this month is when my husband and I started this adoption journey.  Perhaps it was because today is National Adoption Day.  Perhaps God is just once again taking my heart deeper into an understanding of Him.

When our biological children were born we were so excited to watch them grow and to say Mommy and Daddy.  It was special.  It was precious.  It was how it was "supposed to be." We took it for granted.  We raise and care for and love them.  They call us Mommy and Daddy as a reflection of loving, trusting, and having a unique relationship with us too.  That is what "Mommy" and "Daddy" means, right?  After all, with these children there was just a oneness.  They came from my body.  We cuddled, loved, sacrificed, and breathed these children.  They were an extension of US!  They never knew that they were separate!  We have always been ONE!

Then came Grace.  Grace came to us at 4 months old.  We went through the entire foster care process of reunification efforts with her biological parents.  It was a heart breaking time for us.  Right or wrong we kept our hearts guarded for the real probability that she would not be forever "ours."  She began to talk early (boy oh boy is she a talker!!).  When her bio dad would take her on visits he would have her call whatever girlfriend that he had at the time, "mommy."  It broke me heart.  I wish so passionately that we would have had that time from when she was 4 months be just our bonding time.  I know that "things" with her would have been different, they would be better today.  But, that was not the plan for her life.  She was grafted in, she who had not been ONE with us since the beginning having to grow into being "us."

When Grace was 25 months, 4 days before her Adoption Finalization, Superman and Faith came.  They were 23 and 36 months old.  They had been in various placements for 23 months.  They had  had various caregivers.  The first weekend that we had them (one week before they came to us permanently) they came to us willingly and called us "mommy" and "daddy."  That is not to say that they were not hesitant and fearful, but they called us "mommy" and "daddy." 

"mommy" and "daddy" mean something totally different to a child who has been bounced around.  It is simply the generic term for female and male caregiver.  It does not have the attachment, the emotion behind it that we get so excited for, as parents, when we hear "Mommy" and "Daddy."  I do not know how long it took for their "mommy" and "daddy" to mean "Mommy" and "Daddy" but I think that now, 4 1/2 years later, we are there...at least much of the time.  Yet, attachment issues linger.  Bonding issues linger.  Trust issues linger.  Total "belongingness" issues linger.  I wish we would have had them since birth...but that was not the plan for their life.  They too have had to be grafted in, they are having to work on being "us."

Then came JJ.  When we knew God was leading us to adopt again I could not bear the heart ache of the foster care system again.  I could not bear the process of another failed international adoption (or 4).  I wanted a baby.  I wanted a baby that when we adopted (what we thought was going to be a girl lol!) that s/he would be "ours."  A baby that we could bond with right away without the fear of losing him/her.  Without the emotional pain of dealing with the baggage of a child's pain from a "previous" life (boy were we in for much education that even adopting at birth a child brings plenty of "baggage!").  God was so good to lead us to an agency in Utah where the mother's relinquishment when the child is 24 hours old is FINAL.  Where birth fathers cannot come in and claim the child unless they can PROVE they were financially and emotionally supporting the mother during the pregnancy.  Many people complain about the Utah laws.  We do not.

I watched JJ be born.  I watched the heartache of his birth mom as she bore him and stared at him for 44 hours being courageous in her decision that my husband and I, virtual strangers, would  raise her son up the way that she wanted her son to be raised.  I heard her sweet words "this is your son" and watched her tears as she stood resolved in her decision.

Watched as Birth Mommy handed over the role "Mommy" to Forever Mommy.

When JJ was singing "Mommy" this morning, it was a reminder of how precious the gift of being known as "Mommy" is.  JJ clings to me.  He sees himself as an extension of me.  He knows that he can count on me.  He knows that I give him comfort, safety, enjoyment, consistency.  When I am not giving him what he wants he impatiently petitions my attentiveness.  He is not soothed by counterfeits.  He wants me.  Case closed.

But then, God opened that box a little bigger for me.

God wants to be my God, not my god.

Until I was saved, I thought of Him as my god.  I didn't really know who He was, what He was about, the depth of what He has done for me and mankind, the majesty of His creation and plan.  I hear so many people call on "god" in times of trouble, treating Him like a vending machine or "get out of trouble free" card.  I think of my own heartache when I am being "mommy" and not "Mommy."  What must a holy, mighty, awesome, majestic, omnipresent, omnipotent, loving, sacrificial, gracious, merciful, patient, kind God think when He, the Creator and giver of EVERYTHING is thought of as "god?"

Even after I KNOW who God is, I still demote Him to "god."  Today's lesson from Him was a good one for me.  A 2 year old knows that I am his Mommy.  Middles with more baggage have a hard time trusting me as Mommy.  Teenagers who have always had me, take for granted I am Mom and felt neglected when the last 4 kids came, thus demoting me to mom.  My heartbreak over these things as a very inept, incapable, inside the box, impatient, selfish, unmerciful, losing focus of the main thing  Mom (mom?) is nothing in comparison to what a pure and holy God has a right to feel as He looks at me and my choices.

Yet...He gives me grace and guides me back to Him, to Him as my God. I am undeserving.

I pray that I would always KNOW that He is my God, just as my 2 year old KNOWS that I am his Mommy! That, just like JJ, I would cling to God.  I would see myself as an extension of Him.  I would know that I know that I know I can count on Him.  That I would be confident that He will give me comfort, safety, joy, and consistency.  That I would impatiently petition His attentiveness (or more accurately that I would not turn from His attentiveness).  That I would NOT be soothed by or turn to counterfeits and demote Him to "god" again...