This is a looooong post about how we have parenting each "set" of kids differently and why, some opposition our family has come against, more of the reality of JJ's and the other kids' issues and why we have dealt with them the way we have, and what God is teaching me through this.
This week the news of JJ's Apraxia has settled in, I have accepted it, and I am able to look forward more optimistically. It has also brought up some interesting emotions that I have been pondering. The most interesting is a sense of relief that his delays and problems are not my fault and the reminder that we are to have an Audience of One.
When we had Beautiful, I was the over achieving 1st time mother who got out the "what to expect the" whatever year and made sure that I was testing and pushing every one of those milestones on my child. The poor kid... By the time that Buddy came 3 years and 2 months later I was more relaxed. Buddy was a very laid back child (in contrast to his older sister), preferred to be alone, was very happy, and he was very curious. He learned things very quickly - without us even teaching him. He knew all of his letters by sight at age 2 from computer games we let him play (little did we know then that he would be the computer/video gamer that he is today!). He started to read at age 4 without my assistance and I have had a hard time keeping up with him academically to challenge him in the areas in which he excels.
The kids were 9 and 6 when Grace came. By the time Superman and Faith came 19 months later we didn't care at all about the "what to expect the toddler years." We were just trying to survive every day lol! The delays and issues we have dealt with with those kids has been difficult. I have struggled a lot with what I am supposed to "expect" with them. I wish there was a "what to expect"
*with an toddler aged adopted child
*with a child with prenatal exposure
*with a child who has had early trauma
*with a child who has ADHD
*with a child who has eating issues due to being starved
*with a child with PTSD
*with a child who will never tell you want they want because they only want to make everyone else happy so that they will be liked
*with a child who will oppose you in every single decision there is to be made
*with a child who appears compliant to your face but manipulates everything to their advantage
*with bonding and attachment, both ways, with toddlers that you have to wait over 18 months to find out if you can attach your heart fully to theirs forever.
*with older biological children who feel pushed aside due to the sheer number of issues the adopted children suddenly bring into the home
*of family and friends who cannot possibly understand what it is really like at home
*...of yourself when you want to be everything these children didn't get to have and now need...and it is not enough
So, we muddled along. We learned early on that we needed structure. A whole lot of structure. Things were not structured with just Buddy and Beautiful. My husband stayed home with them while I worked, and he is about the most unstructured dad out there. Fun...but unstructured. The kids laugh and tell me now what they used to do and I just roll my eyes.
Anyway, it was hard to figure out how to structure life when the Middles came. I was only working part time hours by then so was home a lot more. We learned that there had to be rules about everything. Even if we just had 3 completely compliant and obedient toddlers we would have needed rules, but it was crazy. Grace just could not be trusted to not, in her impulsive and demanding way, not hurt the other kids or herself. Times to eat meals and snacks, what toys could be played with when, always having one of the oldest 4 of us in a room with them, who could play with what toys and when. Grace in the midst of any situation was one guaranteed for some kind of trauma...so we made rules and structure and more "don'ts." That meant that Superman and Faith didn't get to have a lot of the exploratory freedoms that probably would have been really healing for them. I regret that. However, it just couldn't happen logistically with Grace in the mix.
It was also reality that we required much independence of them. It was back to like it was with Beautiful, they "should" be able to buckle their own car seat, feed themselves, change their clothes, toilet themselves, etc. About the toileting...Grace was fully trained at 21 months. Wish the rest of raising her was that easy lol! But she would use gobs of toilet paper and literally a 1/2 bottle of hand soap with water all over the floor when she was done (we had to put pre-folded toilet paper on the back of the toilet to ensure a 1/2 a roll didn't get used at a time lol!). We still have problems with soap such that we have to use bar soap (that she gouges) and help her bathe by putting on the shampoo and conditioner or we would go through a bottle a week. The other 2 are thankfully fully self-sufficient:)
The emotional meltdowns for all 3 were the worst. I cannot even explain how terrible they were... There is just no manual. I was so thankful for my other adoptive e-friend moms that I would call or email and say, "what do I do about this?!?!?!"
Thus, the Middles have grown up very differently than Beautiful and Buddy did. Right or wrong it was by necessity. I am glad we did not know what we were getting in to, not that we would have said "no" to the phone call... However, there are many, many things that I regret about how we parented them. Hindsight is 20/20 and even if I had known then what I know now, I don't know if, in the insanity of raising 3 same age toddlers from trauma if we could have done much different.
But the biggest difference would have been to have much, much, MUCH lower expectations. I heard recently someone say on Focus on the Family that when you have a foster child, no matter the age, you must expect that if you didn't teach it, assume they don't know it. That would have been helpful. This probably harmed our relationship the most with Superman. He was 12 months older so we expected more not thinking that he was the kid with the most trauma. Again, hindsight is 20/20.
Shortly after JJ came we realized that there were a lot of things different with his adoption. One of the most significant was the relief of leaving the hospital with him and knowing he was ours. Foster care, for all of its problems, in my opinion causes some of the worst damage by disrupting the bonding and attachment process. Either by kids being removed from their bio parents and kids learning to fear abandonment, etc by the time they are returned. Or by kids languishing in foster care so long without someone being able to fully engage their heart and love them with a forever love.
After the drama of the "maybe we get to adopt them, maybe not" along with the effects of the early trauma with the Middles we chose a domestic adoption because we wanted to get an infant and we did not want to "wonder" if it was forever or not. We chose Utah to adopt from because once the mother signed the parental relinquishment when the child was 24 hours old it was irrevocable. Dad's do not need to be identified - rights are terminated without them having to be identified. Our hearts were seeking an "easy" adoption. Ha, Ha. At least that part of the adoption was easy that time;)
JJ was difficult (very) in terms of eating and sleeping and lots of sickness, but we were free to love him fully right away and not be worried that HHS would decide he should be somewhere else, or a father or mother would change their mind. That set a tone with him from the beginning that was different than with the Middles. Does that mean that we love him more? No. We just didn't have to love him with the fear of losing him. Did that affect bonding and attachment with him differently than it did with the Middles? Yes.
It was then that we found out about Karyn Purvis and her work at TCU called Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) that she has compiled into a book for adoptive and foster parents called The Connected Child. That book, and her training, changed the way that we parented. I wish so much that we had known about it before the Middles came, but we didn't and I have to accept that reality. We all went to Texas when JJ was 13 months old and I attended a week long conference there on working with children who come from hard places, using Dr. Purvis' techniques that are very different from "conventional wisdom." Essentially she teaches to touch the heart of these kiddos, understand their neurological complications, and focus less on requiring obedience for obedience sake and more on developing a trusting relationship between the child and parent/caregiver (but still requiring obedience). Building that trust is done differently than with a bio child (although it also applies for bio kids with prenatal or early trauma).
We began to change the way that we parented. JJ has probably benefited this the most, but it has made a difference with all of the kids. It was also then that we started looking at the neurological issues of the Middles and trying to understand their "stuff" that way.
Has it been easy? no. Do we implement all of her strategies perfectly every time? No way. But it has made a significant difference. For us the most challenging has been on how to implement it with Grace and all of her issues as her ADHD affects it a lot.
Anyway, it has made us more relaxed about some things. Unlike with the first 5 kids, we have not been as pressured to be sure that JJ followed some expectation list of milestones. Also, it hasn't been as crucial to structure everything with him like it was with the Middles (especially Grace).
Then there was the fact that he just would not allow us to structure him. Eating, sleeping, ha! Of course, we now understand at least the eating piece. I don't understand the sleep piece yet, but after 5 kids who slept through the night regularly, I don't think it is just our parenting. The part that may be our parenting is that he was so sick with respiratory illnesses is frequently his first 2 years that we wanted him near us to be sure he kept breathing (and he had RSV at 10 months). We still check on him in the night now. That is a throwback to fears because my husband's oldest brother died of SIDS. Just like the drivers in our home text each other frequently when away from home to check in that we are still alive due to the fears from driving deaths when we were teenagers. I don't think that we did anything "wrong" parenting him by keeping him near us to insure he was still alive at night. He never slept through the night anyway and would have just woke up the other kids. If keeping him near us to ensure he was breathing started a pattern of him not being able to sleep alone now, then so be it.
But it seems more complicated than that. He cannot self-soothe. He needs us near to regulate his emotions (day and night). I don't understand it completely, but I know that is a problem. At night I stay with him until he falls asleep (never before 11, usually midnight), and whenever he wakes in the night he comes to us. With the essential oils he sleeps through the night more frequently, but if he wakes he comes right to us to snuggle to fall back to sleep. Thankfully, recently it has been 5:30 or 6:30 when he comes in so I get 5 - 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
The eating issues. Gah! The older 5 never had a problem with appetite. They were hungry. They may not have liked what they ate, but they ate. And begged for more. With two of the kids, they were so used to being starved that we fed them on a schedule 6 times a day and only allowed 1 extra helping as they ate until they vomited. The whining when denied a 3rd helping was devastating as we could tell that they feared they would not get more again soon. Forget just trying to teach them to actually chew their food to aide digestion. One had/has significant food allergies resulting in a lot of digestion (and behavioral???) problems. So, food was regulated with them by necessity. Most of the issues appear to be resolved, thankfully! But JJ...JJ just wouldn't eat. Won't eat. So, our approach with him has been to let him eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. If he tells me at midnight after I have already been trying to get him to sleep for an hour that he wants to eat, we get up and I feed him. If he tells me at 4 a.m. after he crawls in bed that he is hungry - I feed him. Thankfully those instances don't happen very often though:) Most of the time I am trying to bribe, cajole, and trick the kid into eating. The best options are to put him on my lap when I am eating, and he may possibly eat what is on my plate (with me feeding him), or feed him while he is distracted watching TV. Yes, I feed him most of the time. I have learned that is common with Apraxia.
He is so particular about eating. He will insist on having pepperoni pizza just like the big kids. But I have to take off the pepperoni and cheese. If I just make him his own piece with no cheese or pepperoni sometimes he will accept it and sometimes I have to just modify the big kids' food. He will take a bite, and then we wait to see if he will want more, act like it upsets his stomach, or clearly be unable to handle the texture. He LOVES stroganoff on rice. However, he does NOT like the meat and he does NOT like the cream cheese (he does not like cheese!). So, essentially I serve him rice with homemade cream of mushroom soup on it. He likes soup too, but likes the broth and not the substance. I don't know how much is behavioral (the pizza piece seems to be), how much is fatigue from eating, how much is difficulty with initiation, and how much is texture. We will figure it out though.
He obviously cannot speak clearly. Buddy didn't speak clearly until he was 3 so we didn't get too worried until JJ was over 3. He doesn't initiate much (except playing on his kindle or video games with his big brothers). He is strong willed but not independent. In just the past week he finally started to show initiative to change his own clothes. My bedroom floor is littered with clothes from him changing his clothes 3 - 4 times a day. With the girls that drove us crazy, but with JJ we are so happy that he is actually trying to do something new that we just laugh, cheer him on, and clean up the mess. He clothes are always on backwards, but he is getting the idea and gaining motor skills.
Anyway, all of this looooong post to say, that with his diagnosis I have peace about some things. Bear with me a bit longer to get to the point:) Two and one-half years ago some members of my family took us to task about how we are raising the kids. They shared their opinions about what we are doing as a whole, but they really were blunt about their opinions of JJ, specifically that we were spoiling him and specifically it was related to disciple about his emotional outbursts/temper tantrums and his eating. Since then more specific information about their opinions has come to our attention that leaves me just reeling while contemplating what in the world people think of us and what we do.
It has caused me to second, triple, and quadruple guess my parenting over the past 2 1/2 years. It has made me doubt my gut instinct about many things, but for the purpose of this point that something was wrong with JJ and it needed to be parented differently.
I second guessed myself:
That I should just require that he cry it out to learn to sleep himself.
That forcing him to get used to Sunday School/Nursery and staying alone with strangers would be better for him, even though he never calms down with strangers, disrupts the whole class with his aggressive behavior when he is fearful, and clearly is terrified when we are not with him.
When the school recommended that his speech issues would be best fixed if he were just placed in their preschool and every fiber of my being screamed out that that was NOT the fix for him. But then I doubted. Those words from 2 1/2 years ago came back to me and wondered if I really was "spoiling" him and that I wasn't doing what was best for his needs. That he really would be "better" if he were just placed in a room with a bunch of other same age kids.
When he wouldn't eat I would wonder if I were just "spoiling" him by not forcing him to sit in a chair at the table and just eat or go hungry until willing to eat just what was served.
When he wouldn't tell me what the colors were I wondered if I was "spoiling" him by not forcing him to sit at a table until he would comply and tell me the colors.
When he wouldn't hold his pencil/crayon correctly that I was "spoiling" him by not forcing him to hold it correctly/write out letters/etc.
And on and on...
The reality is that he does have a lot of temper tantrums. They are intense. I have a 2 week old bruise on the back of my leg that is still black - not yellowing and fading. He is a tough kid to restrain when he is upset and aggressive. They rival Grace's tantrums. However, we also believe that some of his tantrum behavior is because he learned he had to fight Grace to get away from her:( Just like with Grace, we do whatever it takes to avoid those tantrums. But we also discipline those tantrums and are teaching him to calm himself and they are far better than they used to be.
But, each of our kids have issues that are unique to them and we work hard to anticipate, plan, structure, and intervene in a way that will minimize the frequency, intensity, and duration of whatever their issue is. We do not treat all of our children the same. While some may find that not "fair" we believe that each of our children are very different and thus need to be "parented" differently. Does that mean that we are spoiling some of them or are harsher with others of them? We don't see it that way. Does that mean that people watch our family and make inaccurate assumptions about why and what we are doing? Yes.
People have challenged us saying that if we disciplined Grace more she wouldn't be so impulsive and oppositional. I want to offer for them to take her for a week and get back to me on that opinion! They have told us that Beautiful is too young to get married and one person even asked if we required her to get married before she could leave our house! People think we should force Buddy, our extreme introvert, out into public settings more (to be fair a lot of people have also bent over backwards to make life more comfortable for him and have been more than supportive of Beautiful getting married at age 18), etc.
But, getting back to the Apraxia diagnosis, as difficult and pervasive as it is, it reminds me that we were right to trust our gut. To trust that we know our son (and other kids) better than others do. Specifically, to know that we did not cause his delays by spoiling him or not forcing him to do what the books "expect" in the timing of his milestones. I need to trust that God placed these kids with us as parents and while we feel most of the time that we have no clue what to do about a particular problem we are to stand in the gap for them, advocate for them, love them, discipline them, and train them for God's glory. We are not to worry about what others think, even if those others are family and we wish that they would take the time to understand.
God is good, all the time. We have an Audience of One and need to stop second guessing ourselves in the face of opposition. God knows exactly when/if JJ will speak clearly, self-soothe, learn the alphabet and colors, and eat without it being drama. He knows when/if Grace will stop...the impulsive and oppositional behavior. He knows how and when Superman and Faith will overcome their issues that are equally as frustrating to us as the other kids'. He knows the future of Beautiful's marriage and life. He knows how having 5 siblings will shape Buddy with his intense introverted personality. I have more peace about my parenting as a result of this. God works in unexpected ways and this trial as helped to restore my confidence in knowing what is right for our children:)
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
Apraxia Therapy: Week 2
This was a hard week for me. It took me 3 days to stop crying about JJ's tentative diagnosis of Apraxia. I started to look at his "issues" in a different light and it helped me to study how/why he does what he does and then understand him better. I felt hopelessness, despair, frustration, and grief for him and lost hopes for his future. But I finally regained my footing with many of you praying for us and I reminded myself that JJ is still the same JJ that he was 1 minute before we heard that word Apraxia and God is not surprised by this so I need to just buck up and persevere!
In the midst of coming to terms with that, Grace started full time at school on Monday. She loved her 1st 3 days of it, but came home yesterday sobbing about a girl who was mean to her. I was angry enough and wanting to protect her from further insensitive children that I wanted to pull her immediately and bring her back home where we can keep her from having to endure those comments. But, alas, I know that we need to work through this. She has several girls who are wonderful with her and did come to her aide. The teacher was notified by Grace herself and I am SOOOOO thankful that she knows that she can come home and tell us anything - as apparently one of the other girls told her to act like nothing happened and to not tell us. We will see what today brings. I am frustrated by several things with this transition and keep getting myself worked up by several things they require that take away my parental rights - reminding me why we home school in the first place. We have never had to navigate all of the "stuff" of public school so this is yet another steep learning curve. I mean, I have to make a Valentine's Day box...me!!! And make Valentines!!! lol! But...this is best for Grace and for our family so I, again, need to just buck up! I will say that the overall stress level of the house has probably gone from a 10 to a 4 in just 4 days. That speaks volumes:)
JJ's therapy Wednesday: A detailed account that will probably bore you but I want to get down for my own remembering:)
After Wednesday's session the Speech Language Pathologist stated that she is "convinced" that this is Apraxia. No more tentative diagnosis. That was hard.
She was encouraged that JJ was able to form some sounds he was unable to form last week.
She was encouraged that JJ is seeking to form sounds properly, even if he cannot.
It was AWESOME to hear him say Beautiful's name CORRECTLY for the first time last week, and again this week! Again, encouraging!
He was moving all over the place during therapy. She explained that kids with Apraxia, because it is a neurological dysfunction of the motor cortex, have to expend a lot of extra energy to sit in certain postures. Thus, sitting still in a chair or just sitting still will require so much motor/muscle energy that he then can't focus on learning to form words correctly. That made me feel better that we don't require him to sit and hold a "still" posture much. That is too exhausting for him and he can't learn in that posture as well.
She played a kind of "follow the leader" with him while asking him to form words. He did OK sometimes but he could not do it while walking backwards - too much for his motor cortex to coordinate.
The biggest emotional moment for me was when she asked him a question and he just just looked at her and said, "mmmm." This is a typical response for him in public situations. However, I found it odd that after engaging her for 45 minutes and being all over the place he looked to then get "shy." She said that this behavior is NOT shyness, but rather he cannot "find" the right words to say due to the Apraxia. I did notice that most of the time when she would ask him questions today (e.g. do you want to stand by the window or the table?) he would look at me first. I wondered why he would look to me as if to get my permission, but then I realized that he wanted me to speak for him as he could not coordinate all of that language. She said that at this time we are NOT to ask him to "retrieve" names of things for us (colors, numbers, letters, etc) but we are to label everything saying it first before asking him to repeat it - not to have him retrieve. She said that the Apraxia doesn't let him retrieve and we need to focus on word formation/articulation first. I wonder if this is also why he repeats a short phrase, particularly when he is upset, over and over and over for 20 - 60 minutes (or longer). It is almost like he gets into a "loop" and doesn't even realize he is in it.
Being told that was really hard as I want him to be able to know his colors, letters, etc. It was hard for me to hear that he cannot find the right words. She said that his receptive language is excellent and not delayed, but we need to get the motor strip working better first.
It was hard for me to think that we have (and others have) assumed that his refusal to talk was deliberate rudeness/stubbornness when in fact he is unable. He does get very afraid in situations and that fear just exacerbates his inability to find the right words to say. It makes me sit back and try to imagine what life is like from his perspective. How exhausting it is for him to do movement. The extra effort he has to put in to form words, find the right words, be still, move around...
eat... I now understand more of why eating is so hard for him. It is exhausting! He will usually eat a couple of bites (and rarely will he eat anything before 1 in the afternoon). This weekend he did not eat anything at all until 4 p.m. Even then I had to distract him with TV and it took me 45 minutes to coax him into eating one bowl of stroganoff (a favorite of his) with a lot of breaks in between. I noticed that today the SLP spent a lot of time distracting him with other activities (play doe, etc) while asking him to talk. Part of that was to get compliance from him, but part of that was to distract him from his muscle tiredness. We stopped the OTC acid reflux med as we now do not think it is a "too much acid" problem and we haven't noticed an increase in the problem. It even seems better now.
walk...Now I understand why he tells us that his legs hurt and he wants us to carry him.
I also understand now why it took him until he was 4 to be fully potty trained.
The only part that still puzzles me that I don't think has to do with the Apraxia is his sleep. I am finding article about the high correlation between Apraxia and Obstructive Sleep Apnea, and once the Sleep Apnea is rectified the Apraxia symptoms abate much quicker. However, I don't think he has any symptoms of Obstructive Sleep Apnea...so we will check it out just to be sure on this issue. He continues to not fall asleep until 11:30 or 12 at night. He still gets up between 3 and 5 a.m. several nights a week to crawl in bed with us. He still never naps (and hasn't for over 2 years - although he has never been a good sleeper - ever). He has, however, allowed himself to be weaned from the pacifier 5 months ago (and with it he seems to have given up needing my bra strap as his "security blanket"...yay! lol!!)
So, all of the family has discussed what is going on with him and how we are to talk to and with him. We are seeing a much, much calmer child since we have stopped treating him like he was just being rebellious and have started to talk to him like the SPL has taught me. I think we have only had a couple of temper tantrums this week. It has also helped that Grace has been gone - she is a big instigator of his temper tantrums as she won't listen to his words (specifically "no!") and he has a hard enough time figure out using his words in the first place.
It is well. We will navigate this adventure too. We will endure, persevere, and overcome because God has got this:)
In the midst of coming to terms with that, Grace started full time at school on Monday. She loved her 1st 3 days of it, but came home yesterday sobbing about a girl who was mean to her. I was angry enough and wanting to protect her from further insensitive children that I wanted to pull her immediately and bring her back home where we can keep her from having to endure those comments. But, alas, I know that we need to work through this. She has several girls who are wonderful with her and did come to her aide. The teacher was notified by Grace herself and I am SOOOOO thankful that she knows that she can come home and tell us anything - as apparently one of the other girls told her to act like nothing happened and to not tell us. We will see what today brings. I am frustrated by several things with this transition and keep getting myself worked up by several things they require that take away my parental rights - reminding me why we home school in the first place. We have never had to navigate all of the "stuff" of public school so this is yet another steep learning curve. I mean, I have to make a Valentine's Day box...me!!! And make Valentines!!! lol! But...this is best for Grace and for our family so I, again, need to just buck up! I will say that the overall stress level of the house has probably gone from a 10 to a 4 in just 4 days. That speaks volumes:)
JJ's therapy Wednesday: A detailed account that will probably bore you but I want to get down for my own remembering:)
After Wednesday's session the Speech Language Pathologist stated that she is "convinced" that this is Apraxia. No more tentative diagnosis. That was hard.
She was encouraged that JJ was able to form some sounds he was unable to form last week.
She was encouraged that JJ is seeking to form sounds properly, even if he cannot.
It was AWESOME to hear him say Beautiful's name CORRECTLY for the first time last week, and again this week! Again, encouraging!
He was moving all over the place during therapy. She explained that kids with Apraxia, because it is a neurological dysfunction of the motor cortex, have to expend a lot of extra energy to sit in certain postures. Thus, sitting still in a chair or just sitting still will require so much motor/muscle energy that he then can't focus on learning to form words correctly. That made me feel better that we don't require him to sit and hold a "still" posture much. That is too exhausting for him and he can't learn in that posture as well.
She played a kind of "follow the leader" with him while asking him to form words. He did OK sometimes but he could not do it while walking backwards - too much for his motor cortex to coordinate.
The biggest emotional moment for me was when she asked him a question and he just just looked at her and said, "mmmm." This is a typical response for him in public situations. However, I found it odd that after engaging her for 45 minutes and being all over the place he looked to then get "shy." She said that this behavior is NOT shyness, but rather he cannot "find" the right words to say due to the Apraxia. I did notice that most of the time when she would ask him questions today (e.g. do you want to stand by the window or the table?) he would look at me first. I wondered why he would look to me as if to get my permission, but then I realized that he wanted me to speak for him as he could not coordinate all of that language. She said that at this time we are NOT to ask him to "retrieve" names of things for us (colors, numbers, letters, etc) but we are to label everything saying it first before asking him to repeat it - not to have him retrieve. She said that the Apraxia doesn't let him retrieve and we need to focus on word formation/articulation first. I wonder if this is also why he repeats a short phrase, particularly when he is upset, over and over and over for 20 - 60 minutes (or longer). It is almost like he gets into a "loop" and doesn't even realize he is in it.
Being told that was really hard as I want him to be able to know his colors, letters, etc. It was hard for me to hear that he cannot find the right words. She said that his receptive language is excellent and not delayed, but we need to get the motor strip working better first.
It was hard for me to think that we have (and others have) assumed that his refusal to talk was deliberate rudeness/stubbornness when in fact he is unable. He does get very afraid in situations and that fear just exacerbates his inability to find the right words to say. It makes me sit back and try to imagine what life is like from his perspective. How exhausting it is for him to do movement. The extra effort he has to put in to form words, find the right words, be still, move around...
eat... I now understand more of why eating is so hard for him. It is exhausting! He will usually eat a couple of bites (and rarely will he eat anything before 1 in the afternoon). This weekend he did not eat anything at all until 4 p.m. Even then I had to distract him with TV and it took me 45 minutes to coax him into eating one bowl of stroganoff (a favorite of his) with a lot of breaks in between. I noticed that today the SLP spent a lot of time distracting him with other activities (play doe, etc) while asking him to talk. Part of that was to get compliance from him, but part of that was to distract him from his muscle tiredness. We stopped the OTC acid reflux med as we now do not think it is a "too much acid" problem and we haven't noticed an increase in the problem. It even seems better now.
walk...Now I understand why he tells us that his legs hurt and he wants us to carry him.
I also understand now why it took him until he was 4 to be fully potty trained.
The only part that still puzzles me that I don't think has to do with the Apraxia is his sleep. I am finding article about the high correlation between Apraxia and Obstructive Sleep Apnea, and once the Sleep Apnea is rectified the Apraxia symptoms abate much quicker. However, I don't think he has any symptoms of Obstructive Sleep Apnea...so we will check it out just to be sure on this issue. He continues to not fall asleep until 11:30 or 12 at night. He still gets up between 3 and 5 a.m. several nights a week to crawl in bed with us. He still never naps (and hasn't for over 2 years - although he has never been a good sleeper - ever). He has, however, allowed himself to be weaned from the pacifier 5 months ago (and with it he seems to have given up needing my bra strap as his "security blanket"...yay! lol!!)
So, all of the family has discussed what is going on with him and how we are to talk to and with him. We are seeing a much, much calmer child since we have stopped treating him like he was just being rebellious and have started to talk to him like the SPL has taught me. I think we have only had a couple of temper tantrums this week. It has also helped that Grace has been gone - she is a big instigator of his temper tantrums as she won't listen to his words (specifically "no!") and he has a hard enough time figure out using his words in the first place.
It is well. We will navigate this adventure too. We will endure, persevere, and overcome because God has got this:)
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Our Next Adventure: Apraxia
JJ struggles with speaking. I have posted about all of the various issues that we have with him. They have seemingly been unrelated. We had him assessed at the local school but were not comfortable with their insisted plan for him. Thus we decided to pursue an independent Speech Pathologist. In various ways God provided the name of someone to us and today was the first session.
We were to bring a bag of toys that JJ plays with and can say their names fairly well. We were also to provide a list of words he can say well. We struggled to even find 10 words that he articulates properly.
We had to leave at 1:00 for the appointment. JJ was all excited about it from last night packing the bag, so he spent 2 hours before the appointment walking around with the bag of toys begging to leave. He normally won't eat until mid-afternoon. Won't drink or eat. I was worried that he would be too grumpy if he didn't eat before we left so bribed and cajoled him into a bowl of cereal. 20 minutes into the drive he started telling me that his belly hurt and he had to throw up. Thankfully we made it without an incident but he kept begging me to stop the car.
The address they gave me was crazy - I got lost and was 10 minutes late. I don't have a smart phone so couldn't just look up landmarks. I finally called a friend from Columbus and she talked me there. I was on the wrong side of town...exactly where the GPS took me. That will teach me to trust the GPS!
The Speech Pathologist (SLP) was WONDERFUL! Initially JJ just laid on the floor and covered his face. Then he crawled into my lap on the floor and tried to hide inside of me it seemed. Eventually she drew him out and got him to say words. I was thrilled that she could draw him out! She couldn't have done it without his familiar toys. She spent over 1 hour and 20 minutes with him (for a 40 minute appointment) and it was enlightening.
First she started talking about "fronting." Then she said he was also "backing." Then she added that he is also "chaining" wrong. Finally she talked about how he is lisping.
At that point I was wondering what all of that meant and felt that it must all be just how he is moving his mouth.
But then...she said that she was not sure but was pretty confident that he has Apraxia instead of just severe articulation errors. She began to tell me about the Motor Cortex and how Apraxia is a problem in the Motor Cortex rather than just him not having learned to move his mouth correctly.
As I considered what that all meant I got thinking about his eating issues and asked if that was related at all. She said that she worked at a major hospital that is well known to me in their "feeding unit" with kids and said that there is a significant correlation between kids with Apraxia and them also having feeding issues. I told her about how he vomits several times a day and doesn't seem to get hungry. I told her about how today I cajoled him to eat at 12:30 and then he got carsick. She said that those things were very, very common with Apraxia. I told her that I have to feed him, stay insistent when he would rather run away and play, find foods very appealing to him, etc to get him to eat. She said it was all normal with these kids and that we are doing exactly what we should be doing to get him to eat. She said that most kids will grow out of it eventually. She talked about with some kids with the motor cortex issues, the sphincter at the base of the esophagus does not "time" right and leads to what looks like acid refux problems.
I was thankful that his issues haven't been so severe that we have to be at that hospital's "feeding unit." I was also sooo validated that it is not "bad parenting" on our part that has led to this problem. When we had a super picky eater in Buddy and found out he had Tongue Thrust that led him not be able to swallow certain food - it made me so glad that I did not force him to eat or starve him if he wouldn't eat exactly what we served. The same goes for JJ. This is a much bigger issue than us not requiring him to sit at the table and eat. It is not our parenting that led to this! She talked about how many parents get negative feedback from others when their kids are dealing with this and how we need to just learn to advocate for our child and not worry about what the nay sayers are saying.
As I puzzled a little more about the whole Motor Cortex, I asked her about how his hands don't work independently. For example, when he scratches with one hand, the other one moves too. He is unable to hold a pencil correctly and at 4 1/2 he is just now learning to scribble and showing any desire to color. She said that was all related.
It was at that point that I started crying. Crying because it is such a bigger issue than him just needing to learn how to move his mouth. This is a neurological problem. She went on to say that based on the feedback I was giving her about other motor issues that he has, that she was much more confident that he has Apraxia and not just articulation errors. She will move forward as if this is Apraxia and we will see how the treatment works - revising as/if needed. She then shared that kids with Apraxia have problems not just in the Motor Cortex but also the Basal Ganglia - the part of the brain affected with Parkinson's. She asked if he has problem with initiating speech, taking a long time to answer/find words, more motor issues. I said that he does.
I then asked about his problems with emotional dysregulation. She said that, too, is also related. In part due to the frustration of not being able to communicate well verbally and in part due to the neurological issues.
I know nothing about Apraxia except that it has to do with expressive speech issues. I have such a learning curve with yet another issue that a kid has. I was telling Beautiful that I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a sheer cliff and have to climb my way to the top...somehow. I have so many emotions at this time.
First, I am so thankful that SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!!!!!!!! I feel validated that as many times as I have said this or that is a problem and people minimize it...that it is really a problem! Then I am angry and want to get up in some people's faces and just jump and scream at them for telling us that we "spoil" him and we don't discipline him right and that is why he has the problems that he has. We have ended relationships with people for them having got up on our face about it without getting to know what the problem really is or hearing us. JJ's behavior is NOT a result of us being "bad parents!" Well, not that we are perfect parents by any standard at all...but this is a neurological problem! His motor skills, lack of speaking, fear of people, wanting to be carried all of the time, emotional dysregulation...it isn't just a "behavior" problem that more discipline and structure will fix. It gives me quite of a bit of emotional dysregulation myself just trying to wrap my mind around all that we have endured by way of people's uneducated, insensitive, downright malicious comments.
Breathe......
I am also thankful that the school was so difficult. If they were not, we would have just had him "treated" there and the treatment would not have been right. It would have been a much longer time, if ever, that we sought another opinion and found someone who has the experience that is exactly needed for JJ's issues. That reminds me that God is sovereign over this, that He is orchestrating our path, and He knows the outcome of this.
I am terrified. What if he doesn't get better? What if he never can speak clearly? What if his fine motor skills never improve? What if? What if? What if???
Again, I have plenty of my own emotional dysregulation going on right now.
My dearest friend, the one who understands me as well as my own husband, is a SLP. I talked to her after the appointment and she was great with being a sounding board about this. Between her encouragement and God clearly leading us to this particular SLP who will be working with JJ, I have to remain hopeful for his future even when I am tempted to feel crushed beneath the weight of "what if's."
We were to bring a bag of toys that JJ plays with and can say their names fairly well. We were also to provide a list of words he can say well. We struggled to even find 10 words that he articulates properly.
We had to leave at 1:00 for the appointment. JJ was all excited about it from last night packing the bag, so he spent 2 hours before the appointment walking around with the bag of toys begging to leave. He normally won't eat until mid-afternoon. Won't drink or eat. I was worried that he would be too grumpy if he didn't eat before we left so bribed and cajoled him into a bowl of cereal. 20 minutes into the drive he started telling me that his belly hurt and he had to throw up. Thankfully we made it without an incident but he kept begging me to stop the car.
The address they gave me was crazy - I got lost and was 10 minutes late. I don't have a smart phone so couldn't just look up landmarks. I finally called a friend from Columbus and she talked me there. I was on the wrong side of town...exactly where the GPS took me. That will teach me to trust the GPS!
The Speech Pathologist (SLP) was WONDERFUL! Initially JJ just laid on the floor and covered his face. Then he crawled into my lap on the floor and tried to hide inside of me it seemed. Eventually she drew him out and got him to say words. I was thrilled that she could draw him out! She couldn't have done it without his familiar toys. She spent over 1 hour and 20 minutes with him (for a 40 minute appointment) and it was enlightening.
First she started talking about "fronting." Then she said he was also "backing." Then she added that he is also "chaining" wrong. Finally she talked about how he is lisping.
At that point I was wondering what all of that meant and felt that it must all be just how he is moving his mouth.
But then...she said that she was not sure but was pretty confident that he has Apraxia instead of just severe articulation errors. She began to tell me about the Motor Cortex and how Apraxia is a problem in the Motor Cortex rather than just him not having learned to move his mouth correctly.
As I considered what that all meant I got thinking about his eating issues and asked if that was related at all. She said that she worked at a major hospital that is well known to me in their "feeding unit" with kids and said that there is a significant correlation between kids with Apraxia and them also having feeding issues. I told her about how he vomits several times a day and doesn't seem to get hungry. I told her about how today I cajoled him to eat at 12:30 and then he got carsick. She said that those things were very, very common with Apraxia. I told her that I have to feed him, stay insistent when he would rather run away and play, find foods very appealing to him, etc to get him to eat. She said it was all normal with these kids and that we are doing exactly what we should be doing to get him to eat. She said that most kids will grow out of it eventually. She talked about with some kids with the motor cortex issues, the sphincter at the base of the esophagus does not "time" right and leads to what looks like acid refux problems.
I was thankful that his issues haven't been so severe that we have to be at that hospital's "feeding unit." I was also sooo validated that it is not "bad parenting" on our part that has led to this problem. When we had a super picky eater in Buddy and found out he had Tongue Thrust that led him not be able to swallow certain food - it made me so glad that I did not force him to eat or starve him if he wouldn't eat exactly what we served. The same goes for JJ. This is a much bigger issue than us not requiring him to sit at the table and eat. It is not our parenting that led to this! She talked about how many parents get negative feedback from others when their kids are dealing with this and how we need to just learn to advocate for our child and not worry about what the nay sayers are saying.
As I puzzled a little more about the whole Motor Cortex, I asked her about how his hands don't work independently. For example, when he scratches with one hand, the other one moves too. He is unable to hold a pencil correctly and at 4 1/2 he is just now learning to scribble and showing any desire to color. She said that was all related.
It was at that point that I started crying. Crying because it is such a bigger issue than him just needing to learn how to move his mouth. This is a neurological problem. She went on to say that based on the feedback I was giving her about other motor issues that he has, that she was much more confident that he has Apraxia and not just articulation errors. She will move forward as if this is Apraxia and we will see how the treatment works - revising as/if needed. She then shared that kids with Apraxia have problems not just in the Motor Cortex but also the Basal Ganglia - the part of the brain affected with Parkinson's. She asked if he has problem with initiating speech, taking a long time to answer/find words, more motor issues. I said that he does.
I then asked about his problems with emotional dysregulation. She said that, too, is also related. In part due to the frustration of not being able to communicate well verbally and in part due to the neurological issues.
I know nothing about Apraxia except that it has to do with expressive speech issues. I have such a learning curve with yet another issue that a kid has. I was telling Beautiful that I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a sheer cliff and have to climb my way to the top...somehow. I have so many emotions at this time.
First, I am so thankful that SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!!!!!!!! I feel validated that as many times as I have said this or that is a problem and people minimize it...that it is really a problem! Then I am angry and want to get up in some people's faces and just jump and scream at them for telling us that we "spoil" him and we don't discipline him right and that is why he has the problems that he has. We have ended relationships with people for them having got up on our face about it without getting to know what the problem really is or hearing us. JJ's behavior is NOT a result of us being "bad parents!" Well, not that we are perfect parents by any standard at all...but this is a neurological problem! His motor skills, lack of speaking, fear of people, wanting to be carried all of the time, emotional dysregulation...it isn't just a "behavior" problem that more discipline and structure will fix. It gives me quite of a bit of emotional dysregulation myself just trying to wrap my mind around all that we have endured by way of people's uneducated, insensitive, downright malicious comments.
Breathe......
I am also thankful that the school was so difficult. If they were not, we would have just had him "treated" there and the treatment would not have been right. It would have been a much longer time, if ever, that we sought another opinion and found someone who has the experience that is exactly needed for JJ's issues. That reminds me that God is sovereign over this, that He is orchestrating our path, and He knows the outcome of this.
I am terrified. What if he doesn't get better? What if he never can speak clearly? What if his fine motor skills never improve? What if? What if? What if???
Again, I have plenty of my own emotional dysregulation going on right now.
My dearest friend, the one who understands me as well as my own husband, is a SLP. I talked to her after the appointment and she was great with being a sounding board about this. Between her encouragement and God clearly leading us to this particular SLP who will be working with JJ, I have to remain hopeful for his future even when I am tempted to feel crushed beneath the weight of "what if's."
Sunday, January 18, 2015
My Past Week
This has been another stressful week for me. I have to laugh a little about that as I wonder if, during this season of my life, I have had an unstressful week? God has been working through some things with me and I am thankful for that. Some I have blogged about but not posted as they are too vulnerable. I will modify those some and post them later. However, those things I have been learning did help me some this week.
God has really been hammering at me about the level of my fear. I didn't even realize how fearful that I am until I started to blog about our oldest daughter getting married. We are elated for her getting married and for her delightful fiance, yet I realized that I am such a pessimist and only look at life through charcoal colored glasses. We watched the move "Up" last night...I sooooooooo saw myself in Mr. Fredrickson lol! I am learning why I use pessimism (not getting my hopes up) as a defense against the realities of life. Anyway, then we got a call to foster a child. Oh my word that brought up oodles and oodles of pain and rawness and fear for me that I thought I had dealt with since we lost the placement for Superman and Faith's sister. So, I got to process through all of that...again. As if God doesn't think I am listening to him, our pastor's sermon today was about not fearing. So either God is prompting me in this lesson to have more peace about our current life...or He is going to bring on yet another challenge to stretch us. Either way I need to trust Him better.
My work load is pretty busy in addition to all of the other stuff. I had hoped that I could get back down to 2 days a week since the holidays are over but that isn't happening. I should remember that, for some reason, February has traditionally been my busiest month of the year and plan accordingly:)
Since it has been 2 years since we were last licensed to be foster parents, and the last time we allowed our license to lapse was when we got the phone call for placement for Superman and Faith's sister and getting relicensed was a NIGHTMARE (especially when they "lost" our fingerprints on someone's desk for over 6 weeks when we were rushing to be able to keep the placement), we have decided to just keep our license in case a sibling comes into the foster care system again. We had submitted some of the paperwork before Christmas. Tuesday morning we got the phone call that THEY HAD NOT RECEIVED THAT PAPERWORK! I was livid. Especially since it was the same office that lost our paperwork 2 years ago and it had ALL OF OUR SSN'S on it! Uggggggggggggg. My husband called their office and the woman was cold and uncaring of the fact the paperwork was lost, insisting that we just mail the paperwork again.
Then, on Wednesday we had to go get our physicals for the foster care paperwork. The last time that we went to the doctor was for those physicals and that was when my husband was diagnosed with borderline diabetes. Sooooo, it was stressful (very much so for my husband) to go again that day and hope that he wouldn't be told something terrible. Thankfully he is doing great:)
Thursday I had to take my oldest for her math tutoring. After a bunch of scheduling conflicts we finally have managed to get her tutoring and JJ's speech therapy to coincide so I only have to take 2 90 minute trips a week (one is for work) instead of 3:) I am stressed about her completing her tutoring successfully. I am very stressed about JJ not being compliant for speech therapy. I am ecstatic that they are giving us a great discount for being private pay, but I still need those sessions to count toward him articulating clearly!
Friday my husband attended another surgeon's appointment with his mother. Her leg that was just amputated has more wounds on it that are not healing. It is frustrating. It is sad. It is hard to watch the diabetes kill her. It is hard to watch my husband try to juggle the stress of being her caregiver. He also got all of the rest of the paperwork turned in for our foster license (in person!) to our local agency (that is wonderful!). Supposedly we only have the house visit left and can be relicensed and done with that for 2 years:)
After puzzling over JJ's digestive/eating issues for over 4 years, 2 months ago he started vomiting into his mouth several times a day. Usually in the evening. He does not like to eat much. We are hard pressed to get him to eat anything at all prior to the afternoon. He will vomit if he is woken up early and placed in the car. He acts, when he does eat earlier, like it hurts his stomach. He complains about his stomach hurting a lot. He was never able to handle any of the formula's when he was an infant (resulting in breast and goat's milk being his sustenance). A friend who is an RN brought to my attention that it may be acid reflux. I felt like a fool that I never put the symptoms from when he was an infant together with what is happening now, as it seemed like (aside from him not eating) the other symptoms had improved. So, now he is on an OTC antacid and the chiropractor has him on a probiotic. We had him on acidopholus but he thought that a biphidus would be better due to his age and issues. So, we shall see. So far he is not improved. In fact, today he is so utterly out of sorts that I hope he is sick as that would explain his behavior. He even took a NAP after screaming for an hour (in anger, not pain...I think). He hasn't napped for over a year. Anyway, we will give him another week on these meds and if he is not improved we will remove dairy. That will be a fight as he is a big milk drinker (raw dairy right now). He also has a very sensitive palate and eats hardly anything so I hope he will handle the switch to goat's milk.
The other issue this week had to do with our Grace. She has been a handful. Well, ever since she has come 8 years ago she has been a handful, but her oppositional, rebellious, defiant, angry, in-your-face, contrary words and behaviors have been over the top even for her. School has been...difficult...to say the least. She already attends the public school 10 hours a week. We met with the school on Friday to discuss having her go full time.
This has been one of the hardest decisions we have had to make. We are very, very much pro-home schooling. We feel like we are failing her by sending her to the public school. We feel like we are just giving up on her. We worry about the effects of the school environment on her - for many reasons, one being that she is not the easiest child to get along with and worry she will be bullied. She already comes home and talks about situations now and she is not in a regular classroom.
But, we have also talked with other adoptive home schooling parents who have similar situations to us and have chosen to put one or more of their children in public school. They have been so understanding and encouraging. They know the difficulty of raising a difficult child and having to make a choice that one never thought one would make. But, we do believe that it is, ultimately, best for Grace. So, soon that will start. We have to get some paperwork in place, etc. We are so thankful for friends who will take her to and from school since they are taking their own kids anyway. It was hard to ask for help to do that. I am learning more and more how to ask for help but it still leaves me feeling guilty and worthless. But having her ride the bus would be disastrous and the reality of us driving there three times a day is way too much (we will still have to take Superman for his afternoon times). So, we have to figure out lunches, snacks, and navigate a whole new "world" that we never thought we would have to navigate. We just pray fervently that she is able to learn there and that when she comes home we can just be mom and dad and not "teachers," and maybe we will see a reduction in the sheer amount of opposition that she throws at us.
The biggest struggle for me with Grace is not to fear her future...not to give up hope for her future...
This week I have spent hours putting puzzles together with Grace. She has 3 areas where she is very gifted, art (drawing), doing hair (I am going to start taking photos of the creations she put in her doll's hair - I am extremely impressed with her!), and puzzles. I am really surprised about the puzzles. After all it takes times, stillness, and a high frustration tolerance. Things that Grace normally does not excel at. The other day I just sat back, watched her, and teared up. It was such a precious, quiet, and cooperative time with her. I wish that we had more of those moments...
So, God has me working on not being so fearful, on making decisions that are hard but necessary, and enduring with patience the insanity of people around us not doing their jobs and them not caring about it.
Oh, and wedding planning. I am so not gifted in anything that has to do with hostessing, cooking, decorating, fashion, public etiquette for large events, etc. Yet, we find ourselves in the middle of decorating planning and, you know what? I am actually enjoying it lol! Maybe I will shake off a bit of my "Mr. Fredrickson" persona yet!
God has really been hammering at me about the level of my fear. I didn't even realize how fearful that I am until I started to blog about our oldest daughter getting married. We are elated for her getting married and for her delightful fiance, yet I realized that I am such a pessimist and only look at life through charcoal colored glasses. We watched the move "Up" last night...I sooooooooo saw myself in Mr. Fredrickson lol! I am learning why I use pessimism (not getting my hopes up) as a defense against the realities of life. Anyway, then we got a call to foster a child. Oh my word that brought up oodles and oodles of pain and rawness and fear for me that I thought I had dealt with since we lost the placement for Superman and Faith's sister. So, I got to process through all of that...again. As if God doesn't think I am listening to him, our pastor's sermon today was about not fearing. So either God is prompting me in this lesson to have more peace about our current life...or He is going to bring on yet another challenge to stretch us. Either way I need to trust Him better.
My work load is pretty busy in addition to all of the other stuff. I had hoped that I could get back down to 2 days a week since the holidays are over but that isn't happening. I should remember that, for some reason, February has traditionally been my busiest month of the year and plan accordingly:)
Since it has been 2 years since we were last licensed to be foster parents, and the last time we allowed our license to lapse was when we got the phone call for placement for Superman and Faith's sister and getting relicensed was a NIGHTMARE (especially when they "lost" our fingerprints on someone's desk for over 6 weeks when we were rushing to be able to keep the placement), we have decided to just keep our license in case a sibling comes into the foster care system again. We had submitted some of the paperwork before Christmas. Tuesday morning we got the phone call that THEY HAD NOT RECEIVED THAT PAPERWORK! I was livid. Especially since it was the same office that lost our paperwork 2 years ago and it had ALL OF OUR SSN'S on it! Uggggggggggggg. My husband called their office and the woman was cold and uncaring of the fact the paperwork was lost, insisting that we just mail the paperwork again.
Then, on Wednesday we had to go get our physicals for the foster care paperwork. The last time that we went to the doctor was for those physicals and that was when my husband was diagnosed with borderline diabetes. Sooooo, it was stressful (very much so for my husband) to go again that day and hope that he wouldn't be told something terrible. Thankfully he is doing great:)
Thursday I had to take my oldest for her math tutoring. After a bunch of scheduling conflicts we finally have managed to get her tutoring and JJ's speech therapy to coincide so I only have to take 2 90 minute trips a week (one is for work) instead of 3:) I am stressed about her completing her tutoring successfully. I am very stressed about JJ not being compliant for speech therapy. I am ecstatic that they are giving us a great discount for being private pay, but I still need those sessions to count toward him articulating clearly!
Friday my husband attended another surgeon's appointment with his mother. Her leg that was just amputated has more wounds on it that are not healing. It is frustrating. It is sad. It is hard to watch the diabetes kill her. It is hard to watch my husband try to juggle the stress of being her caregiver. He also got all of the rest of the paperwork turned in for our foster license (in person!) to our local agency (that is wonderful!). Supposedly we only have the house visit left and can be relicensed and done with that for 2 years:)
After puzzling over JJ's digestive/eating issues for over 4 years, 2 months ago he started vomiting into his mouth several times a day. Usually in the evening. He does not like to eat much. We are hard pressed to get him to eat anything at all prior to the afternoon. He will vomit if he is woken up early and placed in the car. He acts, when he does eat earlier, like it hurts his stomach. He complains about his stomach hurting a lot. He was never able to handle any of the formula's when he was an infant (resulting in breast and goat's milk being his sustenance). A friend who is an RN brought to my attention that it may be acid reflux. I felt like a fool that I never put the symptoms from when he was an infant together with what is happening now, as it seemed like (aside from him not eating) the other symptoms had improved. So, now he is on an OTC antacid and the chiropractor has him on a probiotic. We had him on acidopholus but he thought that a biphidus would be better due to his age and issues. So, we shall see. So far he is not improved. In fact, today he is so utterly out of sorts that I hope he is sick as that would explain his behavior. He even took a NAP after screaming for an hour (in anger, not pain...I think). He hasn't napped for over a year. Anyway, we will give him another week on these meds and if he is not improved we will remove dairy. That will be a fight as he is a big milk drinker (raw dairy right now). He also has a very sensitive palate and eats hardly anything so I hope he will handle the switch to goat's milk.
The other issue this week had to do with our Grace. She has been a handful. Well, ever since she has come 8 years ago she has been a handful, but her oppositional, rebellious, defiant, angry, in-your-face, contrary words and behaviors have been over the top even for her. School has been...difficult...to say the least. She already attends the public school 10 hours a week. We met with the school on Friday to discuss having her go full time.
This has been one of the hardest decisions we have had to make. We are very, very much pro-home schooling. We feel like we are failing her by sending her to the public school. We feel like we are just giving up on her. We worry about the effects of the school environment on her - for many reasons, one being that she is not the easiest child to get along with and worry she will be bullied. She already comes home and talks about situations now and she is not in a regular classroom.
But, we have also talked with other adoptive home schooling parents who have similar situations to us and have chosen to put one or more of their children in public school. They have been so understanding and encouraging. They know the difficulty of raising a difficult child and having to make a choice that one never thought one would make. But, we do believe that it is, ultimately, best for Grace. So, soon that will start. We have to get some paperwork in place, etc. We are so thankful for friends who will take her to and from school since they are taking their own kids anyway. It was hard to ask for help to do that. I am learning more and more how to ask for help but it still leaves me feeling guilty and worthless. But having her ride the bus would be disastrous and the reality of us driving there three times a day is way too much (we will still have to take Superman for his afternoon times). So, we have to figure out lunches, snacks, and navigate a whole new "world" that we never thought we would have to navigate. We just pray fervently that she is able to learn there and that when she comes home we can just be mom and dad and not "teachers," and maybe we will see a reduction in the sheer amount of opposition that she throws at us.
The biggest struggle for me with Grace is not to fear her future...not to give up hope for her future...
This week I have spent hours putting puzzles together with Grace. She has 3 areas where she is very gifted, art (drawing), doing hair (I am going to start taking photos of the creations she put in her doll's hair - I am extremely impressed with her!), and puzzles. I am really surprised about the puzzles. After all it takes times, stillness, and a high frustration tolerance. Things that Grace normally does not excel at. The other day I just sat back, watched her, and teared up. It was such a precious, quiet, and cooperative time with her. I wish that we had more of those moments...
So, God has me working on not being so fearful, on making decisions that are hard but necessary, and enduring with patience the insanity of people around us not doing their jobs and them not caring about it.
Oh, and wedding planning. I am so not gifted in anything that has to do with hostessing, cooking, decorating, fashion, public etiquette for large events, etc. Yet, we find ourselves in the middle of decorating planning and, you know what? I am actually enjoying it lol! Maybe I will shake off a bit of my "Mr. Fredrickson" persona yet!
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