Week 4 and Month 1 Team Meeting

October 30, 2019

Week 4: Month 1 Team Decision

We continue to have discussions as a family about how all of us are doing. Mostly I hear from the kids that they are thankful for the peace.

My husband and I have buckled down on consequences. The kids seem to be responding better than they have been. They are tired of my statement “work before play” which I have said to them thousands of times in the past decade. Now I am adding “Time Management!!” and “natural consequences!!” which I suspect they will dislike just as much lol!

Thursday night we had a phone call with Grace during which she got mad and started yelling at me. The staff sit next to her during the calls and told her to stop and she would have a consequence. Then she argued about my deserving her yelling so got another consequence. Friday morning during our family therapy time (via phone) I knew it was our last conversation with the therapist prior to the team meeting the following week so I decided I was not going to walk on eggshells and was going to ask some hard questions of Grace. Mostly it had to do with what she was learning that she was going to apply when she gets back home, explaining her choice to yell at me during the phone call that is supervised by staff, and what she would have realistically done if that interaction had been at home without staff watching. The upside is that she was honest. She even listed off things and ended the sentence with “the usual.” The therapist jumped in then about that phrasing and I validated Grace’s statement that any and all conversations with her asking her to be accountable for her choices or anytime she is told any version of “no” will result in much more hurtful comments/behaviors than what she was doing in the first place. I was very happy that the therapist is seeing it, I was discouraged that Grace, even in a highly structured setting, quickly fell back into her typical pattern.

It was a hard session and afterwards my husband said that if she did not have any incidents after that it would show she really was choosing to use the strategies that she is using.

She had two…

Today we had the team meeting. We had planned to drive there but due to the weather turned around and came back home. Therefore we participated via phone. The insurance company approves her stay in 30 day increments. Sixty days are being requested but it is thought they will only approve 30 days and then another 30 days will be requested if Grace’s current pattern of behavior continues. They have taken her off ½ of her meds and today will take her off of the rest. They like to take away all meds and then start over to find a baseline, etc. We are very curious how that will go.

My body has been hurting a lot. I know I carry my stress in my body and it doesn’t necessarily come out emotionally. In my job of listening to countless horror stories on a regular basis I am used to shutting down emotions – but my body carries that stress. I am really trying to be intentional about this situation so that I can heal and be the best mom, wife, etc that I can be. I am working on self-care – continuing to exercise 3-4 days a week. Relaxing in the hot tub. Connecting with friends. Playing with the grandkids😊. But my body continues to be in a lot of pain. I have been to the chiropractor and the massage therapist 3 times EACH in the past month trying to get on top of the pain. They both keep telling me that I am very stiff and tight. Friday was the first time that during an adjustment he couldn’t get me to adjust. Usually that is my husband, not me lol! Saturday I made myself quit doing housework and paperwork at 2 and sat for most of the rest of the day with a heat pad. That seemed to help that day. Sunday morning I woke early, again, and laid there with all of the anxious thoughts about what the future will hold with Grace swirling in my head. I realize that is always rolling in the back of my mind and that is probably why I can’t relax.

JJ continues to have nightmares. I think that he, like us, have just survived the dysfunction and now that it is gone there is a different awareness of it, but also a fear that it will return. For a kid with pretty severe separation anxiety anyway it has been hard. I am not surprised that for him it comes out in nightmares of us being killed and him being left all alone. Beside that, I have not been available to him like I have been in the past because of all of the extra hours I have been working and the changes in our routine to accommodate visits and therapy with Grace. The time I usually have set aside for him is spent trying to finish paperwork, etc then he is the one that is suffering. So…that is something else I need to work on…

Specific prayers at this time:

For Grace to be approved for at least another 30 days of treatment (we will be told tomorrow or Friday if she is approved).

For Grace to use her coping strategies/emotional regulation skills and they will generalize to home when she comes back.

For God to have the “right” things happen in the right timing that will help Grace the most – including the medication changes.

For our family to continue to be intentional about healing, and not live in fear of what might happen.

Praise:

Grace really is in a great place and they are working very hard with her. The threshold is very high for her type of placement and we are so incredibly thankful that she is able to get help there.

God has provided for us in so many ways through all of this. We are so grateful!

So many people have called, texted, or sent encouragement.

The psychiatrist agrees with our diagnostic assessment of her, so we feel like we are working with the best conceptualization of what is happening and not off target in our efforts.

Week 3: The Honeymoon Is Over

My thoughts are all a jumbled mess this week so this will be pretty short. This is the week that if I wouldn't have made a commitment to stay intentional about processing this journey I would have just gone on with doing life and not tried to make sense of it.  So...this post will be a jumbled mess just like my brain...

1) Grace is engaging in most of the behaviors there like she did at home (aside from the physical aggression). On the one hand it is validating that she is doing this for others and not just us. On the other hand it is sad that she is willing to engage in those behaviors even while the stakes are so high and she is in a super structured environment. She does fine on our daily phone calls as long as we let her do all of the talking about her day. If I  ask her what she is learning, how she is applying it, or what we are doing here (tonight I said we were going to the other kids' concert so we couldn't talk later) she gets upset. Tonight she started yelling at me while on the phone and got a consequence by the staff who supervise the phone calls. At first it surprised me as it was the way she always talks to me. Then I reminded myself that so much of what we have "normalized" over the years just to survive is so very not normal...

2) I started the week with fear that has morphed into anger which has morphed into anger/resignation. When people have asked us how we are doing early in the week I became emotional. Yesterday when people asked I realized afterward that I gave very angry responses about how we are currently doing. So I am trying to figure that out.

3) My husband and I are not on the same page about what comes next for Grace. Next Wednesday we have a Team Meeting with all of the people who make the decisions about her treatment and hopefully that will help us to have better wisdom and direction for our family.

4) Home life has been increasing in chaos:( JJ has been having nightmares about us all dying and leaving him abandoned and alone. That has increased his emotion dysregulation and decreased his ability to sleep through the night without coming to us, which is decreasing my sleep. Although I have been struggling with sleep anyway. Thankfully when I woke my husband up the other night at 1:30 a.m. and told him that I couldn't sleep he did not get upset with me - I am so thankful for him:)

5) Superman and Faith have been increasingly irresponsible in the follow through of most of their responsibilities. Upon examining this change my husband and I are realizing that before Grace left we had to be physically in the room with them at all times thus supervising and micromanaging their behavior and time. With Grace gone we intentionally backed off of that and told the kids they were now responsible for their own time, chores, homework, etc. They seem to have little idea how to do that - or just don't want to- and it is very frustrating. I will say that they did not used to be able to ride the bus due to Grace not being able to handle it. Superman gets a ride in early every morning to lifting and he has been able to do that in a timely manner. Now Faith is getting herself to the bus every morning and has yet to miss it. I guess that is a positive:)

6) I am working about 1/3 more hours than usual - that and our time we need to spend with Grace for appts/visits is really disrupting my "normal" schedule and making me a bit crazy as I try to adjust and be efficient with my time while also trying to spend intentional time with the kids (and grandkids) we still have here.

7) We got to go to lunch after church with a dear family Sunday. It was so relaxing and nice!!  I got to go to a volleyball game with a friend last week and sit and talk without feeling guilty my husband was home dealing with drama or having to be on guard watching a kid at the game. Today I got to go to the coffee shop and chat after school hours. Next week I am going to the coffee shop with a friend. I am actually getting to...spend time with non-family members lol!!!!

So, that is it bullet point style. A jumbled mess. Life is easier, different but easier. We all still really like not having to worry about the issues from before. Life is calmer overall, but it doesn't mean that everything is unicorns and rainbows;)

Week 2: Honestly? I am scared.

This week has been harder than the first week. This is the week I was not as busy with work and outside obligations and saw more of what we have been missing.

I have decided that I am writing weekly to help me through the process. In the past I have mostly tried to write when I have come to an end point, a conclusion of thoughts and process that has led me to a good place of perspective. But this stage of our life? It is all about process. I know I am not the only one going through mess. I think that too often we hear from people when they are through the mess and looking back on it. I am here to say I am in the middle of it and it is not pleasant! I initially wrote this with a lot of specific detail on the difficulties we are going through. Then I toned it back. I don't want to make this about complaining and I don't want to villainize Grace. But I do want to be real and transparent. This is my best attempt.

Thursday I was home all day for the first time in weeks. I tried to keep myself busy and productive. I forced myself to be more aware of my thoughts and not just go on auto pilot. Life has been so hard for so long that I have learned to just focus on the next thing. To be present in the moment means to feel - and the feelings are too often fear, hurt, resentment, and an inability to protect/change the situation. Since those are not healthy emotions, and even more importantly, I can't change the situations that make them happen, I just move forward. But that has changed now for a time and I am realizing just how many feelings and thoughts that I am avoiding. My EMDR conference last month talked, again, about the very high rates of autoimmune disorders in people who have unresolved anger (stuffing emotions). As Gabor Mate spoke I thought about my own sense of being paralyzed in our situation and unable to resolve the anger. I don't want that for myself.

So, I have been more intentional about noticing what I am thinking. I knew that "how are we going to deal with _____ with Grace" permeated most of our thoughts. But it seems more tangible now. I am noticing just how many times a day and in how many situations I am anticipating conflict...and then remind myself to relax since it isn't coming. 

Suppertime on Thursday? Suppertime I cried. It was just the 3 kids and I. And my kids talked. They talked and they laughed. They LAUGHED. It wasn't tense. There wasn't conflict or accusations or yelling. It.was.peaceful. I don't ever remember a meal with her present that was just...calm. 

Friday we went to see Grace for a visit. We had 1 hour of Family Therapy before 2 hours of a visit with her in a small room with 4 chairs and a small short table. We talked with her for an hour then played Uno for an hour. The long and the short of it is that she is following the rules there for the most part. I was impressed, in front of her therapist, how she took ownership for her choices. I brought up a couple of particularly bad incidents and how they affected the family, and for the first time ever she did not try to deflect the blame to someone else. I started crying and asked her to really think about how she can now, in front of staff who watch ever single breath that she makes, say and do the right things but when she is at home with us she makes very different choices - and therefore what will the transition home look like? In front of the therapist she gave good "sterile" answers but during our private visit she admitted that right now she is "stuffing my emotions and rages" because of the consequences she will get there. That was a huge red flag for us because that is not "resolving" the issues, that is only stuffing it for the moment. The exact issue she has at home. She gets mad at school or with other people and stuffs it until she gets back home with us and - quite frankly traumatizes all of us. I hate to think about it this way but it is like the abusive husband who hates his job so comes home and takes it out on his family. At work everyone would say he is a stand up guy, but at home he verbally and physically berates his family to express the anger he feels toward his job/boss. I think the most hurtful comment we have received through this process so far is "if she only does this at home then it must be a problem with you." 

I left the visit afraid. anxious.

She cannot come home and do what she did again. We cannot survive it. I now far more tangibly and not just intellectually understand how wives feel who have had husbands be hurtful to them (or husbands with their wives). After the men get into therapy and seem to be making changes the wife continues to hang onto the fear of the husband reverting back to old patterns. Watching for "when" he does and not extending grace-with her fears upsetting the balance of healing. Well, that is where I am at. This week my primary issue I am becoming aware of is that I am scared (actually, in all honesty the emotion is far more intense than just "scared") that she will come back and do the same things again. I like living in a house without verbal and physical aggression. I don't want to risk this tenuous calm our house is finally getting to experience. The freedom of our house feeling like a home. 

So, I recognize that I have a long way to go before I am healed enough to have her come back home. We got the tentative discharge date of around December 1. By then we have to know if we will bring her back home or if we will have her go to the year+ program. At this moment it is an impossible decision to make. I am praying that God will make it crystal clear what direction we are to go. We discussed it as a family and hope that we can bring her home with the other program being the plan if she does revert back. I keep trying to find solace in knowing that I don't have to know yet - that I can trust the one who already knows what will happen. 

Reflections on being a Grandma of 2!!!!

Back in July, the day before our 24th anniversary, we were blessed with a grandson. Our granddaughter loves her baby brother, but with her not being two until next month she is loving him in her 1 year old way. It is sweet, fun, and keeps our daughter on her toes!!

I have been thinking about what kind of a grandma that I tend to be and want to be. With our daughter living so close it can be tempting to step in and try to take over. Well, and my personality is one of wanting to...offer advice. I have had to be intentional about how to be a mom to an adult married daughter without crossing boundaries. We have had to redefine our relationship while building a relationship with our son in law and respecting his authority as the head of their home. Then our granddaughter was born and I had to make sure that I was juggling the lines of being available to help our daughter, encouraging our daughter to be independent, and getting to know this new little person who is such a joy! With Bella I found that I wanted to help take care of her because I adore her, but more than that so I can be a help to my daughter. I want to make her life easier.

Now with her having 2 kids under 2? I really want to help as much as I can. That has been a struggle with the issues with Grace...but I am not going to get into that here.

Our grandson has been more laid back than Bella was as an infant, so I am thankful for that blessing for our daughter:) Bella is such an empathetic helper. Teaching her "how" to help is the issue rather than teaching her "to" help. It is such a blessing to see the fruits of our daughter's loving parenting of her children:) We are still trying to help as much as we can. Sometimes we go a week without seeing them. Sometimes we get to see them several times a week. I am so thankful for the blessing of them living close and we can help them out. In an effort to respect their own lives I find that I am trying to stop and think twice about any advice or suggestions I give - stopping to assess if I am taking over. When I tell my daughter "you are a married adult and their mom so do what you think is best, you don't need my approval" I want to actually mean it!

So there is the balance of parenting an adult married child, but what kind of grandma do I want to be? As I have reflected back about my own grandmothers I have been struck by the fact that my grandmothers were both very very different people. My paternal grandmother was very matter of fact and her interactions with me were mostly about what she could teach me (she was a teacher back in the day of one room school houses and as soon as a teacher married they could not teach anymore-- much to her disgruntlement). Most of those lessons had to do with food as I recall lol! Like how to make a tuna fish sandwich and have it out to the field at exactly 4:00 p.m. so my dad and grandpa could have their break with minimal disruption to the farming. Or how to keep the butter wrappers in the fridge for the next time one had to grease a pan so there was no waste of the butter that was left on the wrapping. Or how to cut 1/2 of the edge of a plastic lid to use as a scraper from a bowl (rather than using a spatula). It is odd that I don't really remember eating much of her food, except for rice krispie bars or scalloped potatoes lol.

Anyway, my maternal grandmother was very different. I remember her being all about hugs, rocking, a soft soothing voice, calming me when I was scared or anxious (which I was a lot), holding me in a blanket while watching fireworks, and delicious food that I got to eat. And the extended family picnics at the park!!! I don't think I ever cooked with her, but I remember her introducing me to Kix for the first time lol! Bacon and eggs for breakfasts. Hot delicious homemade dinner rolls that would be cooling on the counter and I would sneak MANY off to eat (I was too short to even see the counter - I would just grab and eat what I could reach lol!). I never remember her telling me no more. Homemade noodles for chicken noodle soup. Big meals. And Lefse. The one food that, as an adult when I asked, she taught me how to make and I have taught my children to make.

It is ironic to me that I am my paternal grandmother with my children but my maternal grandmother with my grand kids. That is particularly noticeable when 5 of our 6 kids still live in our house and they point out the discrepancies lol! I have talked to my parents and my aunts about the differences in how I see my grandmothers and how they were as parents and there were definitely differences with them too, so I know I am not the only one who treats the grand kids with a softer touch;)

I have wondered why I do that. It is not like I have more time on my hands or am an empty nester craving the companionship of a child - I still have 5 kids at home! I think part of it is getting to focus on the joy of a child without the responsibility of the outcome;) However, the discrepancy is also making me focus more on trying to have more fun times with our kids. Our home has been so difficult for so long that I have hunkered down into survival mode and focused on just doing the next thing. Joy has not been a part of our life for a long time. Therefore, I am thankful for how the grand kids bring laughter and joy,  and the reminder to lighten up a little. I want my grand kids AND my kids to remember that I taught them essentials about life alongside the joy, silliness, smiles, and laughter.

Well, I had better go get the cookies out of the oven. I have already made more cookies for my 23 month old granddaughter than I have ever made for any of the other kids lol!!

Week 1 - Transition

We dropped Grace off at the facility last Wednesday. It was a hard day, but it went better than I had expected that it would. Thank you all for your prayers for her and for our family!

I am going to try to write about each week of this journey. I want to be very intentional about our healing during this time and not just move on with life. We very much feel that for the past decade Hurricane Grace has battered our family/ship and we have been in survival mode. Now that she is gone we are looking around and realizing how much damage, repairs, and updating that our ship needs. It is daunting task. We have defined our life by Grace's behavior on what we can and can't do for so long that now that the hurricane is gone we have sat stunned by the calm and trying to figure out how to best move forward. We could avoid the damage and just carry on. We could get into task mode and just work on fixing "things." Or we could be intentional about repairing the structures of our boat - which we see as the relationships and dynamics of our family members. Saturday my husband and I had the opportunity for a few hours of drive time alone (really the only time we ever get for uninterrupted conversation lol) and we talked through some goals we want to reach and how to start working on those goals for our family. We did devotions and spent time in the Word trying to identify big picture goals. We have set our heading and now are trying to get in working order so we can move forward.

Admittedly, though, that is hard. We feel shock from her being gone, guilt that we like the calm of her being gone, overwhelmed from the reality of what repairs need to be done physically and relationally, and some resentment over how bad things are.

The days leading up to Grace leaving we spent watching movies, our favorite TV shows, eating her favorite meals, and snuggling. We wanted to be sure that she knew that going to treatment was not a discipline or punishment, but a needed opportunity to help her in ways that clearly we cannot do at home. She was pretty emotional about it and did not want to talk about it with us or with others. She, like many people, is a master of avoiding real issues. While I believe those days were necessary for our relationship with Grace, doing those things affected the other kids in a negative way. I think from their perspective they saw "Grace has to leave the house due to her choices" and "mom and dad are crying, sad and giving her everything she wants for these 3 days" was difficult for them to reconcile. I do not know how we could have done it differently though:(

All of us have struggled. JJ was initially more rageful and angry than usual. He had slept through the night since February - and then didn't sleep through the night in his own bed for a week. He has for the past 2 days though - yay!! His anxiety is very high (and I am very tired!!). Faith has withdrawn and been more emotional. We have had some pretty hard conversations with her and she has surprised me some with how she is processing this. Superman has been working overtime in his "peacekeeper" role in our family joking and trying to keep people laughing. Beautiful has been both heartbroken herself and has been trying hard to connect with and sooth my heart - as well as Grace's in phone calls. Even our emotionally level "lets be logical about everything" Buddy has felt the discord and gave Grace a pep talk before she left about learning what she needs to so that she can come home soon. He even gave her a hug!! Everyone in our family knows that Buddy doesn't touch anyone (although he does enjoy a good wrestle with the boys and will be very physically playful and hold his niece and nephew;).

My husband and I? We are the ones who had to make the decision so there is the burden of knowing we made this hard decision, and the relief of knowing that she is in the right place.

I think that all of us are struggling internally with the utter relief of having a peaceful home for the first time in 13 years. And then feeling guilty that we are relieved because that means that one of our own isn't at home. I am still triggering many times a day. First thing in the morning, after school, and bedtime were the worst times of the day so I find that I am "preparing" my mind for those times and then remind myself that I don't have to. Every time someone mentions "when Grace comes back" we all stand around and look at each other afraid to hope it may actually be better and afraid that we will get the reprieve just to get hit by another storm again.

My body is really sore. I finally figured out that I am always holding my body so tense preparing for the next wave of the hurricane that now that I don't have to I hurt. Several times I day I practice relaxing my muscles. I had no idea how much tension I was constantly holding. Also, my blood pressure got to its highest point about a month ago and is now back to normal:)

Grace is allowed 1 phone call in a day and one phone call out. So we talk to her 1-2 times a day (depending on if she calls us or Beautiful for her phone call). The first 3 days were tough. She cried and begged us to come and get her. She kept insisting that the program wasn't the right one for her. Finally on Friday I told her that the program was excellent and it wasn't about the program being "right" for her, but that she was responsible for working the program. I told her it was the very last option and she had a choice if she was going to make it work or not. Saturday and Sunday the phone calls were more mature. In fact, Saturday I had the most mature conversation with her - ever. She actually took ownership for her behavior and didn't blame it on someone else. Hallelujah Jesus!!!

I don't know what the future holds but we are trying to set our goals, focus on what is most important, restore and rebuild/build healthier relationships and dynamics within the family, and trust that God will work it all out in the end. We are so thankful for the support and encouragement of so many people!

When "yes" is Bittersweet

Friday, after 6 weeks of waiting, we were told "yes." I do not know if I have ever had a "yes" be so bittersweet.

I am not really even sure what my thought process is and I am struggling to slow down my thoughts and rein in my emotions enough to even know how to answer the questions "how are you doing" and "how can we help" when we are asked.

Grace has been accepted to the residential program that we applied to 6 weeks ago. She leaves tomorrow. Tomorrow.

On the one hand I am so hopeful that she may finally get the help that she needs after we have exhausted every other option available and known to us. On the other hand I am so broken hearted that she will not be here with us for, most likely, quite a while.

On the one hand I am so frustrated that it took 6 weeks to get the approval. On the other hand I know I needed the 6 weeks to really know that she needed to get this level of treatment or I may have backed out - to Grace's and our family's detriment.

On the one hand I am emotional and sad that she has to leave for a time to get help. On the other hand I am, quite honestly, so angry that she has to leave for a time to get help. Why couldn't she get better while saying with us?

On the one hand she sobs in my arms upset that she has to go. On the other hand she will not stop doing the things she does and now has left us no choice - despite being told for the past 2 years that this was the path she was on.

On the one hand I have so very many thoughts and emotions that need to be sorted. On the other hand I just can't...

Ironically I have thought of when JJ was born. It was such an incredibly exciting time for us to adopt him. I loved getting to know his birth mom briefly in the hospital and to get to take pictures of them together for him to have. I remember being confused why she wouldn't smile for the pictures with him - shouldn't she want to have smiling pictures for him? After we got home though I realized what a short-sighted fool I was. Yes, it was a joyous day for us. But it was a very bittersweet time for her. She was giving her son the hope for a future knowing she couldn't do it herself. But that meant that she couldn't do it with him. A choice that required her to trust God and us to provide everything that he needed without any direction from her. Exactly what we are facing right now.

I am also wondering if the day we had to hand Superman and Faith's little sister back to HHS after we were told we couldn't adopt her since closer biological family was found (to date the worst day of my life) will rank easier or harder than walking out of that facility with out Grace on tomorrow.

Just because someone is making the right and necessary decision does not mean that it is a joy filled or easy one.

Thank you for walking this journey with us. Thank you for caring enough to check the update on how this process is going. Thank you for not judging us.

Please pray for Grace. Pray for them to get to the heart of the real issue and have the wisdom and finesse to address it effectively. Pray that she does not feel abandoned by us for making this decision. Please pray for her safety. She is so naive and immature we are all so worried that she will be taken advantage of by others.

Also pray for the rest of our family as we transition. It is hard on all of us. Last night as Grace hugged her big sister and niece and nephew goodbye we are all wondering when they will see her again. Will she get to come home for Bella's birthday? For holidays? We will have to drive there often as the programming requires us as parents to be involved. We are thankful for that but it is a huge time commitment. That takes us away from the other kids too. Throughout the course of this process my husband and I have been on the same page of what needs to happen...but we have also been the most emotionally disconnected that we have been since our first decade of marriage. This situation is taking its toll on us and we need to find time and ways to reconnect. All of us need to find ways to reconnect and find a new normal that is healthy and peaceful. The other kids are acting up as Wednesday approaches. All of our emotions are all over the place and we need to settle.

I guess to sum it up - this is not easy. We finally got the help we have been asking for, but that does not mean that the journey is now smooth and joyous. I am working hard to reframe this situation in my mind as an opportunity and not a tragedy. Sometimes I get there, sometimes not. Your prayers help so please don't forget about us.

I am so thankful for our sovereign and powerful God. Trusting in the Lord...