I going to be a Grandma!! The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Our first-born is having a baby! We are so excited!

The story behind the onsies;) I have always had this dialogue with Beautiful:

Beautiful: I love you!
Me: I love you more!
Beautiful: I love you most!
Me: I love you mostest!!

So when I knew that they were going to start trying for a baby I got 2 neutral colored onsies and paid a ridiculous amount of money to get them printed with these sayings as their "congratulations" gift. Then they sat in a gift bag and waited for the announcement:)

My husband and I enjoy teasing each other calling each other "Grandpa" and "Granny" (although I think we will be calling me "Nana" for fun). JJ and Beautiful already joke that I am his "grandma" so it isn't like I am not used to the word lol!  The kids are over the moon with joy and anticipation. As I have commented before, JJ has been begging for a baby brother so this will hopefully fulfill his need - as there is no way he is getting another brother from me unless God sets a child on our doorstep and say "here you go" lol! I am thinking that this child will never learn to walk with all of the aunts/uncle/grandparents wanting to hold him/her;)

On the other hand, hopefully s/he will learn quickly to hold his/her own and set good boundaries with lots of people wanting to jump in to "help" lol!

I am so glad that they live so close and I will get to be an active part of their lives during this time. My husband keeps reminding me that they may move away at some point, and while that breaks my heart I will take what I can get while I can get it:) We moved away from Minnesota and all of our families when Beautiful was 4 months old so we have never had grandparents around to come see the kids' activities, bake cookies with the kids, take the kids so my husband and I could have a few hours of respite, etc. It has been hard to be self-sufficient while raising this crew. I don't want that for my kiddos. I want to be an involved grandma who is available to help, babysit, listen to frustrations, give hugs, help with car pooling, attend events etc.

I did have to laugh last night when I had a realization of that though. We were at the AWANA awards night and I was thinking that the Middles only have 1 more year left. Then JJ will be the last kid to haul over there every Wednesday and sit through the awards night. But...then I had the realization that by the time JJ is done with AWANA, our grandbaby will be in AWANA lol! Oh the many joys and realizations of having kids spread out in age so our kids and grand kids are not far apart in age lol! All of our boys are 5 years apart, and JJ will be 7 years older than this child (there are 13 years between Beautiful and JJ, hence the joking they do about her being "mom" lol!)

Ok, this is the "good." But there has been some bad and ugly as well. First, I will share the ugly. I share this not because I like to air my own sin and brokenness, but to share the realities and vulnerabilities of my heart - the yuck that almost irrevocably ruined my relationship with my first-born. I am not perfect. I am certainly not a perfect mother. I have tons of my own baggage from my life. But I am trying to figure it out so that I can be as healthy as I can as I try to navigate this adventure of parenting.

I haven't always been so excited about Beautiful having a child yet. In fact, I was quite hostile about it for quite awhile. Hostile. Even before they married I was adamant with them they had to wait a LONG time before they had kids, insisted on birth control that would further that goal, and was just plain hostile about this topic. The birth control made my daughter feel sick a lot and they made a decision to stop it. I was apoplectic. I could not have a conversation with her on this topic that was not demanding and controlling. I could tell that the emotion was way over the top and my fear for them starting a family already was irrational and ridiculous, but I literally could not stop myself from the intensity of the emotion and it would boil over into my words and non-verbals whenever she would broach the topic with me. It was ugly. I was ugly.

One day she came over before work (I think to eat some of our food for breakfast. She used to do that a lot before she felt too sick in the morning to do so lol!). She brought it up again. She never tried to tell me I was wrong. But I will never forget her words, "Mom, I just need to know that when we come to tell you that we are pregnant that you will be happy for us. I need you to be happy for us." I responded (and I tell you this with great embarrassment and self-disgust) that when she tells me I will be excited because the decision will have been made and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it at that time anyway.

Ugg. What ugly, ugly words! I am tearing up just remembering that terrible conversation. After she left for work I was so disgusted with myself and just couldn't figure out why I couldn't just be happy for them! I knew that I was on the cusp of possibly forever ruining my relationship with my daughter. The daughter that I had labored way too  many hours to give birth to. The daughter that my husband and I have sacrificed so much to have him stay at home and raise, and home school, and love and cherish through the years. Was I really going to be "that mother" now? On this topic? Was it worth the breach in our relationship? I texted her that I was sorry and that I knew it was my problem, not hers and I would work on it.

So, I did. I did an EMDR session about it. I know I talk about EMDR a lot, but it really is amazingly healing and I guess this is a bit of a testimony on how it has changed my own life. Throughout the course of, I think it was only a 20 minute session, I process through baggage and realized other baggage. I am not looking to blame or put excuses on things. I am just sharing this as an understanding of what was standing in my way so that I could not embrace this decision of my daughter - my ADULT and MARRIED daughter who does not need my approval for a thing, but still wants her mom to be happy for her.

My parents married when my mom was 17, and I was born a month before my mom's 19th birthday. My brother came along a couple of years later. Then our parents divorced. Growing up a child of divorce sucks. No matter how amicable my parents were (and are) with one another. Even though my mother only missed 1 visitation ever (she was literally stuck in a snow drift that went over the top of her car for a whole day because she was trying to get to us). It still sucked. A lot. I know people divorce for a lot of reasons, and sometimes I see kids are hurt more by parents staying together in abusive situations "for the sake of the children" it doesn't stop the reality that divorce is very hard on kids. Throughout the EMDR I realized just how irrational my fears were. Because Beautiful also married young (that was also a hard decision that we prayed over and sought biblical counsel on for months and months before we gave consent) and now was thinking of having a child young I just couldn't get myself out of "being" that young child whose mother left. In "trauma talk" we call that being stuck in "trauma time." When triggered by something in the present we revert back to feeling like we are back in the trauma and that the trauma never resolved or finished. I was convinced that early marriage and children equaled divorce and hurt kids. Anyway, after the EMDR I could see it. Before, Nope.

Next insight - when I was a senior in high school my step-sister who is 2 days younger than me had a baby. I saw how much that affected her life, the child's life, our family dynamics, and now the next 26 years of her life. Again, flipping back into "trauma time" (and let me tell you, that just because she is the one who had the baby it doesn't mean it wasn't also traumatic for me - the only other kid still living in the home) I just kept believing "this can only end in heartache."

Next insight- I am raising 4 kids who mothers had them too young and without the means to parent them the way they needed to be parented. I see their pain every day when they ask about their birth families or they struggle with something related poor prenatal experiences or early trauma or attachment issues. I don't want my grandchildren to suffer the same way. Again, I kept seeing "this can only end badly."

And, of course in my profession I do a lot of marriage counseling. Countless times I have heard spouses say "we just got married too young and had kids too soon." Even in my own marriage, I was 22 when we got married, 24 when our daughter was born, and I just finishing graduate school with the means to provide financially for our family, etc and it was still very challenging. Again, I could only see that this decision could only result in divorce or an unhealthy marriage.

Throughout the course of 20 minutes of EMDR I was able to process through decades of prejudices and hostility and came out of it with several conclusions. They were things that I had been telling myself before but I just couldn't "own" if you know what I mean? Like it was in my head but every time the topic was broached I just kept reverting back to the ugly emotional place convinced that it could only end in disaster (and, of course, I couldn't keep my mouth shut about that could I? Jeesh).

I came to be able to "own" several conclusions (and more that I don't need to go into). My daughter is not my mother. My daughter is not my sister. My son-in-law is not my father or my niece's father. Beautiful and my son-in-law have tried very very hard to honor God in their courtship, marriage, and now with starting a family. The situations are not the same (except for the age - even that she is 2 years older than my mom or my sister were). They are not my adopted kids' bio parents or making the decisions that they made. God is sovereign over this. Am I going to trust God in this, or my own very flawed logic? How many times has God had to remind me over and over that I need to trust Him, that I can trust Him...even when the outcome has been heartbreaking? God is far more about process than end result (which I don't always appreciate) because that is what changes hearts. Obviously He needed to change my heart...and I am so thankful that He did:)

Finally, were my fears really worth ruining my relationship with this precious young woman and her equally amazing husband who are trying to live their own journey for Christ? Am I really so utterly self-centered that my way is the only way?

Ugg. I told you it was ugly. That I was ugly. I came out the other side of the processing with an intense excitement and joy for them to have a child. Anyone who has done EMDR will relate that it is like something "flips." In fact, I just sat there afterwards and thought, "really? I was really that worked up about this? What the heck?"

I immediately texted my daughter and told her that I had figured out my own yuck and was supportive of whatever their decision would be.

And I was:) I am!

The bad...
I won't say much about this part because it is not my story to tell, but it took awhile for our daughter to conceive. Every month was heartbreaking for them, and I cried right along with her. I am crying about it yet again while typing this... When I think about what it would have been like for her to go through that without my support? What if she would have thought every month that she wasn't pregnant "I can't tell mom because she will just be happy that I am not pregnant?" What if I would have uttered words like, "it is for the best?" totally invalidating her pain? It was hard enough when one of her sisters went to Awana and announced that Beautiful was pregnant (1 hour after a discussion that the sister heard about how sad Beautiful was that she was NOT yet pregnant). So people were making comments to Beautiful about it. That was heartbreaking situation for Beautiful that I, again, was able to be supportive of but what if I hadn't been?  I had Beautiful do EMDR during the time she was not getting pregnant, not to take away any of the pain of situation (which no one can do) but to help her stop believing that it was her fault. I never had an issue with fertility so had no idea how to resonate with her on this topic, but it would have been so much worse if I had not gotten my own act together. I am so thankful that God kicked me into action about it when He did!

I see all of the comments of support and encouragement and excitement from many of you when we made the announcement yesterday. If I would not have dealt with my own fears I would have been such a hypocrite - claiming to be happy on the outside while grinding my teeth on the inside.

But, I AM excited! I AM GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!!!!  How awesome it that?!?! My daughter has grown up, and carried on the precious cycle of life! I mean, we have SIX CHILDREN! Kids are important to us and we have centered our lives around raising children - she has seen how we value family and is carrying that on. That is a beautiful thing, not something to avoid. In fact, Beautiful, as the oldest of 6 kids, has had far more experience and will be far more prepared with her first child than I was lol! We hope to raise our kids "right" desiring to honor and serve the Lord and they desire to do that - why would I stand in the way of that?  Whereas before I know that I would have been cold and distant about it, now I can tell that they are going to have to tell me to back off. I already rub her tummy and talk to my grand baby telling him/her how much I love him/her.  I have already asked if I get to be part of labor and delivery - how intrusive is that lol!?! I want to be the best grandma ever, and I want to be the best mom ever - letting my daughter and her husband know that I am totally supportive of their decisions but yet won't have a fit when they set a boundary.


When Beautiful was born my grandmother came to visit. She held Beautiful and teared up saying "I have always, ever since I was a little girl, always wanted to be a great grandma." I thought that was an odd wish in life. But now I understand it:) Consequently, when we went back to Minnesota last week to tell our family in person about the baby coming my grandma was so thrilled that she now gets to be a great GREAT Grandma!


Whew.  That is a lot of good, bad, and ugly... for the 1 or 2 of you who have actually read this far and don't think I am a total failure at being a mother because of what I have shared, I have a funny story for you. This is how they told us...

The day before my husband's birthday it was an hour before church and I was up jogging on my little trampoline (I jog on it and not a treadmill to lower the impact on my back). Beautiful and her husband showed up and asked for my husband as they wanted to give him his birthday present. While I was jogging they handed him a piece of paper. After he read it I asked what they got him and he said, "A dog." Now, I am NOT a dog person. Not even a tiny bit. We have a dog that my husband got for Beautiful in 2006. We still have the dog. I had hoped that we would not replace the dog upon it's eventual demise. My daughter and husband love dogs and have 2. TWO!

So, my response that flew out of my mouth was "Oh no they did not!" He handed me the paper. It started with how much she appreciated him as a dad and went into memories. Then it went into talking about how they had ordered his gift but it wouldn't be in until December. I just kept thinking, "they are getting a puppy from a litter, it still has to be bred and weaned. It must be a fancy hunting dog.  I can't believe this. How in the world am I going to fake excitement for another DOG in this house when I don't like dogs but want to honor my husband who does like dogs and my daughter and her husband have obviously gone through so much work to pull this together?!?!?!"   Yeah, laughing at me yet?

Then at the bottom it said "and it will call you Grandpa."

I totally lost it. I screamed "NO!!!" (not a bad no) and jumped off of the trampoline, all sweaty and nasty and just held my daughter and was crying with excitement and relief for them. I think I just kept saying "my baby, my baby" over and over lol! Finally she said, "mom, you stink!"

My husband likes tricking/surprising me. He was tickled that he got me good!

That is how I found out. Relief it was a baby and not a dog lol! But, seriously, I look on them telling us with such fondness now. Praise the Lord He knocked some sense into me so I could share in their excitement and not make it a dreaded moment for them.

So, there it is. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Praise God that He heals us and sanctifies us.

Praise God for our grand baby!

Sanctification

I have been contemplating how God has been progressing me through sanctification into who He wants me to be. I think about where He has me now and where I have been. I am so thankful that God does not throw it all at us at once but lets it be a journey. I don't think I could survive Him pointing out all of my sin at once...

So looking back on the journey this is how I see it:

His salvation and forgiveness.

His provision.

How to persevere and endure. My favorite verse is James 1:12 :)

His love.

Who I am because of Him - my identity in Christ.

What it means to really believe in Him.

What it means to Trust - and how that is different from believing in Him.

Right now I think He is working through what it means to have Hope. I have felt a lot of hopelessness in raising our tough kids. However, He seems to be moving me through a place where I can really rest in whatever God has decided for an outcome. On Thursday He did allow what feels like a crack in the dam that is surrounding Faith that has seemed to be widening since then. After so much despair and fear about the path she was walking and not understanding "why" or how to help her, it was heartbreaking to hear her finally share about a couple of things that seem to have been huge burdens for her. Thankfully they are things that I feel I can actually do something about and have put a lot of effort into those things the past 3 days with what feels like progress in our relationship and her behavior. It feels like more of "her" is coming through the widening crack in the dam and I am so thankful for your prayers and for God moving in her heart. I keep reminding myself that this is a process and we certainly are no where near the end of the path, but I have hope. Not hope in myself, but the hope that is talked about in the scriptures that I have never really understood.

Romans 5:1 - 5    1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And weboast in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not put us to shame, because Godʼs love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

It is a precious experience to love someone who feels like they have walled themselves off from you and feel them draw near. No wonder the angels rejoice whenever one of us come to know the Lord with a saving faith!

We will see how long this journey lasts before God decides what He needs me to work on next. If I have a choice I know what I would choose. I guess time will tell:)

Dr. Strange: How the Movie Has Challenged Me

Have you ever gone to a movie and had it impact you on a personal level in a way that was probably not the intention of the movie production team? That happened to me with the movie Dr. Strange. Aside from what I considered to be a movie way outside of normal expectations for plot and visual effects, there was one concept that really stuck in my head. A concept that made me disgusted with its implications. The longer that it stuck in my head, the more that I realized that it was actually something that I do. I guess it was one of those situations where God used the movie to point out:

Matthew 7:3  "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

When it is pointed out to Dr. Strange that his surgical success rates are so high in part due to him not taking on extra risky or hard cases I was floored. While you probably knew this, I did not realize that specialists refuse to take on certain cases if the chance of failure will harm their success statistics. In hind site it should not have surprised me. After all in my own profession if we are untrained in a particular area we are told to refer on to the appropriate specialist. That just seems different to me than refusing for the sole purpose of it affecting success rates.

Several days after the movie it still stuck in my gut in a bad way. Then I started thinking about my own practice. There are definitely situations where I wish I could refer someone on because I don't want to work with the issue, it will take too much effort, take too long, the outcome is "hopeless" (in my fleshly opinion), or whatever the excuse may be. But I try to focus on the fact that God brought that person through my door and I am to do what I can do and leave the outcome to Him. I got thinking that is kind of like the statistics reason. It isn't that I am not qualified, it is just that I (admittedly selfishly) prefer the "easy" situations. 

Ouch.

But once I sifted through that layer of thinking, God hit me with the second punch.

Isn't that my exact situation with raising my "hard" kiddos? Well, yes.it.is. 

It would sure be nice to have "easy" adopted (and biological) children. It would be nice if I never had to deal with heart rebellion. It would be great if every tool that I have learned through my decades of training cut off all wrongdoing in my children on the very first day it happened. 

But that wouldn't be reality would it? After all, God in all of His power hasn't cut off my own sin the first time that I commit it - because He allows that pesky gift of "free will."

Thank you so much for the prayer that some of you have offered for our family and our daughters since my last post. I know I have felt much more peace, perspective, and hope. Thank you to those of you who have called or written encouragement. While I dislike being vulnerable and sharing our yuck, I covet your prayers. 

Behavior is not necessarily better in our home, but my heart is in a better place. My hope is not in changed behavior, my hope is in God being sovereign. 

My husband and I had a long talk with Buddy on Friday. It was so hard to hear him talk about how our family simply cannot have any fun, go places, or do what we would like to do due to the behaviors of some of our kiddos. It is isolating and frustrating. It grieves me that we only have 1 1/2 years left with this precious young man that I adore and then those years are forever gone. Years that have been negatively impacted by our choice to have difficult kiddos. Biological kids often get forgotten in the chaos of realities of adding adopted children and this has happened with Buddy (and Beautiful). I try to think of our situation as "fire" that God is using to purify their hearts before they go out into the world. However, it is a huge blessing that both Beautiful and Buddy have seemed to also believe that. There were years they were resentful (and I know it still happens at times). But when Buddy was sharing his feelings it was such a relief to this guilty mom's heart to hear him say "I am not saying that you should not have adopted them. I am just saying this is how it has changed our family." He was matter of fact and accepting of the "nice and easy" things that he has missed out on and the "hard and difficult" realities that have replaced it. 

Praise God for how He sanctifies and humbles us when we start thinking too highly of ourselves, loves us when we are "hard and difficult," changes our perspective from the horizontal to the vertical, and uses even Marvel movies to challenge our assumptions and belief sets. He is so creative and versatile when He says "Stop it! Wrong way! Get refocused!!!"

The Wedding (from 6 months ago;)

It has been over 6 months now since The Wedding. I can hardly believe it! I have thought many times about the post for the wedding but I haven't figure out exactly what to say, or had the time to ponder it. So, since it has been 6 months I thought I had better just get it done:) If you just want to see how beautiful the wedding was, our daughter was, and how precious it all was, just clink on the link and watch the 9 minute beautifully edited version that captures all of the highlights. If you want to try to follow the bunny trails of a mamma's heart as she married of her beloved first-born...read on:)


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKbX3I4ZJQ8

As those of you who follow our life know, much of 2015 had a lot of ups and downs. We started with the wedding planning in January (they got engaged 12/15/2014 on their 2 year anniversary of dating) with finding the perfect dress. It was a very emotional experience for me and I cried when she put on the one she ended up choosing. It was perfect for her - add the veil and I was lost.

One of the days we went to buy the flowers and other decorations I also realized that I had to put on a GRADUATION PARTY in less than a month! I had totally overlooked that in light of the upcoming wedding. I am so thankful for our amazing friend who planned the decorating and I was just along for the ride. We did manage to have a nice graduation party on May 2. That was also Buddy's birthday so we had graduation cake for her and birthday cake for him.

It was also nice that my husband's mother was able to be there. She lived in a nursing home 6 blocks away so my husband wheeled her in her wheelchair to the church for the party and she got to enjoy seeing everyone and being a part of it. That was very special to us as later in the month her health deteriorated to the point that she passed away on 7/15/2015.  My mother and sister also came down for the graduation.





By the end of May my mother in law was in the hospital and we were pretty sure that she would not make it. We did as much planning for the wedding as we could while also dealing with her being so sick and making difficult decisions. Everything that we did at that time I was realizing that I was doing it for the last time with Beautiful. At times I could remain matter of fact. Other times it was too emotional for me so I just tried to keep it matter of fact. I am so thankful for the many, many people who helped with the wedding. I could have been overwhelmed with anxiety but I know that so many people were praying for us along with coming aside us to help.

A couple of those "last" moments with Beautiful were going out with her on my husband's and my 20th anniversary, and taking the whole family for our "birthday party" at The Pizza Machine (we do one joint big party celebration with essentially just family rather than have a bunch of separate parties. Since most of the kids are within 2 months of each other it just works better that way;)



We could not have pulled off the wedding without the help of so many people. It also would not have gone as smoothly without Beautiful being as flexible as she was. She is the Pinterest queen and looked up thousands of ideas and ran them past us and our friend who helped. Our friend also had ideas and they came up with what was such a beautiful wedding - simple and beautiful.

Women in our church and my son-in-law's church put on very precious and sweet wedding showers for her. It melted my heart to see these other woman loving on her and supporting her. It has been hard at times because some people have not agreed with our allowing Beautiful to marry at age 18. We know that more people "thought" it than actually confronted us. But we had peace that we made the right decision, and continue to have that peace. We did a lot of praying about it ahead of time, consulted with quite a few pastors, had many people praying, and finally decided that this was the right path for them. Besides that, only in our state do people have to wait for age 19 before they can marry without parental consent. Beautiful and our son-in-law were gracious enough to include us integrally in this important decision rather than just running off and eloping (not that they would have).

Actually, I will go on a bunny trail here...I really REALLY tried to get them to have a destination wedding. I REALLY tried. But, they wanted to marry in our church with their friends and family around them. So that is what we did...and boy were there friends and family around them!

So...lets get back to my biggest anxiety about the entire wedding...the guest list. We knew that very few of my husband's and my family would likely travel all the way here (we are the only ones from our family in this state). However, we have a lot of church family. Our home school family includes many from our son-in-laws home school family too since we are in the same "group" together. But his family and friends of family are extensive. By the time we narrowed down the list over 550 people were invited. We were pretty sure that the church would hold no more than 350 - and that was if they were squeezed in. We had over 300 people RSVP that they were coming. My husband had one family member come (his brother) and I had 8. We had to laugh that that was the same amount as our immediate family (now including our son in law) lol! After the wedding we figured out the total number of people who came was...350. Praise the Lord that He knew how many we could accommodate and had just the right number come! In fact, there were 12 people who RSVP'd to come but were not able to as they had to attend a funeral at the same time as the wedding - if they had come there were have been people standing. So, I was right to be anxious about the guest list and how we would accommodate everyone, and am so thankful that God took care of it:) Believe it or not, even with the huge guest list, there were people that were not on the list that we debated about. We did not want anyone to feel left out. However, we obviously could not have accommodate any more so it was all it is was supposed to be.

Planning for the reception was another ordeal. The church could not hold 350 for the reception so we rented the old high school gym in town. Not the most beautiful location but the women who helped decorate it made it a perfect location for us. We had decided that it would cost us too much to do a full meal for 350 people so we did a dessert reception (hey, that is simply the reality of it). We went back and forth for months on what exactly to serve but in the end I think it was fine. We decided that instead of a buffet line to pick up deserts that we would decorate each individual table using the food as part of the decoration. So we incorporated wood, candles, lights, platters, baby's breath and the nuts, cupcakes, and meat/cheese plates. When we came up with that plan I had neglected to think about the reality that I would have to buy several platters for every single table...but it all worked out beautifully. There were not many leftovers and our family had them (except the cupcakes) gone within a couple of days lol!  I can't do justice to how beautiful the decorations that Beautiful and our friend came up with at the reception and the church so here are just a few pics:





I did not have many ideas for the wedding, but my contributions were, I think, kind of fun. I had suggested that since they had a camouflage and hunting theme for the wedding that we use a boat for the beverages. We filled the boat with water and soda so people could take what they wanted and it would expedite the beverage process. Trying to get 350 people through a line for coffee or punch seemed...daunting. Also, I had suggested that when they lit the unity candles that we had candles lit on the alter that symbolized each of our families - 8 coral candles for our family and 5 white candles for my son in law's family. His mother gave them the unity candle which was very special:) I also thought that the guest book would be more fun (and practical) if it was a photo album of their engagement pictures:)  So, there you have it, my THREE idea contributions to the entire wedding lol! Believe me, it is a good thing that those are all I came up with...I am not gifted in decorating...or hostessing...or organizing a party...or anything at all that is associated with a wedding.  Anyway,  I have seen a picture of the whole wedding cake area but can't seem to find it. My friend did a FABULOUS job on it. I am bummed I cannot find that picture (or a picture of an entirely decorated table:(

Ok, now for the hardest part of the post (can you tell I put it off for last?) The Wedding.

I thought that I had planned for most aspects of the wedding preparation. However, I did not plan well for the morning of the wedding. My husband was busy doing last minute running around while trying to get items where they needed to be. That left me trying to get 4 children plus myself ready. See where this is going? I was not able to be there for Beautiful to get her dressed and made up. We had a personal attendant for her (who thought of a ton of things that I did not, she was invaluable!) and people to do hair and makeup. But I wasn't able to be that person. Then, I was not really part of the pictures of her. The pictures turned out beautifully but I will admit that even in that morning God was whispering to me that this was how it should be...the wedding was hers, they were her pictures, and it was her life that was separating from mine. No longer was she mine. Man, I am crying just thinking about it. I thought that waiting 6 months would help but I guess not. It is a difficult choice to hand your first-born over to her husband - no matter how worthy he is. It is especially hard when she is only 18, had just graduated, and is also heading off to college.  All of those "degrees of separation" happened simultaneously.

I have to smile at how God knows the hurts of my heart though and meets me where I am at. Literally as I was typing those sentences Beautiful texted me "Missing you. How are you?"  The last 6 months have shown me that she is as tightly woven into our family as ever. We text almost every day (usually several times) and we see each other often (in fact, this is the first weekend they aren't here since the beginning of November). I could go on and on about how I have tried to find the balance between being an involved mom who adores my daughter and son-in-law while fighting hard to know where the "line" is that should not be crossed between giving "advice" and "taking over." Maybe I will understand that dynamic before kid #6 marries off lol! But...that is not the point of this blog post so I won't bunny trail that far off:)

Back to the day of the wedding. In one word it was chaos. We had an overall plan and I believe, in hindsight, that the overall plan went over well. There were so many pieces that had to be adjusted and I think God brought us through those. Just some of those were: my mother in law dying 3 weeks before the wedding.  She passed away on 7/15, the next day we drove to our daughter's college to get her partially moved and deal with some things at the college, the Middles went to camp the following Sunday - Friday. Wednesday of that week on 7/22 was my husband's and my 20th anniversary. Beautiful went with us to Omaha for a very fun night out to celebrate our last big outing with her as a single woman. The following Wednesday we had an emotional Memorial Service for my mother in law led by the pastor who did all of the pre-marital counseling for Beautiful and her husband. The next morning we moved more items in to our daughter's rental house then continued on to my husband's home town with his mother ashes so that the next morning he could lead a grave side service and bury her ashes. We drove home that day (Friday). Sunday the pastor who had been working with Beautiful and our son in law went to the hospital and had to have brain surgery a few days later (he almost died and we are VERY thankful for his life!) but that meant we had to find another pastor ASAP and our senior pastor was on the east coast on vacation. So...Praise the Lord there is another pastor in our church who had left his church about a year ago I think to come home and farm. He agreed to do the wedding, met with everyone, and did an amazing job with the ceremony. So, so, SO blessed by him! Oh, and somewhere in there the person who was supposed to do all of the hair had to back out as her boss would not let her out of work and we could not find any replacements so we had to find non-professionals to do hair. I did not like my hair for the wedding, but in the grand scheme of everything else that happened, my hair was incredibly minor lol!

The ceremony was so beautiful. It was God-Centered. It was real. It was emotional. All through the wedding preparations I just kept repeating 2 things to myself through all of my anxiety - "As long as God is honored and at the end of it they are married that is all that matters." I very much felt that God was honored in it, and clearly they are married:)

Some of the most memorable moments for me (and not in any particular order):

*All of the parents/grandparents/wedding party circled around our daughter and her almost-husband praying over them before the ceremony.

* we parents praying over them during the candle lighting song

*worshiping during the ceremony

*seeing our son in law adore and love our beloved daughter

*my father walking me down the isle just like 20 years ago:)

*watching my daughter and her husband walk through the haze of bubbles to the truck.

*watching them have their first dance.

*holding my husband's hand tightly while we watched our daughter make her vows to her husband.

*watching so many people come to watch our little girl get married! I was blessed beyond words at the sheer number of people who took the time to witness their special day!

*watching how many people helped us, took over when we gave just an idea, and totally served our family and guests with their talents and love for our family. (Including the people who helped with the clean up. I did not sufficiently plan for that aspect either - thinking my husband had taken care of it. It did all get done that night though so that is a major blessing:) It was deeply humbling as I am a "do it yourself" person and this wedding stretched me so far beyond any of my capabilities. It was awkward to let so many people help us knowing that I would never be able to thank them all sufficiently but it was also a good learning experience for me.

*being very VERY thankful that there were enough chairs at the church for everyone to sit in (after my initial shock of walking in at the beginning and seeing SO MANY PEOPLE!!!!), chairs/tables for everyone at the reception (I don't think there were many extra chairs there, I know there were no empty tables), and that there was enough food/beverages for everyone.

*walking into the reception area and seeing how incredibly beautifully everyone had setup the tables and the area.


There were also things that did not go as we had hoped/planned, but I refuse to dwell on them and hopefully those details will vacate my brain as if they never happened lol!


So...the days after the wedding...I don't mean to end this walk down memory lane with a downer but...it was tough on me!  It was as if all of our prayer warriors had prayed us hard through the wedding and then the protection was lifted. I spent 3 days practically not sleeping and filled with overwhelming anxiety. I would fall asleep, dream I was back at the wedding and things were not going well, wake myself up and keep repeating (it is OVER it is OVER it is OVER). For some reason one of the major things that kept going through my head that I could not get rid of that is so utterly ridiculous that I don't know why that is what was stuck in my head was...I am embarrassed to actually say...was that I looked fat in my dress. I just shake my head it. I actually loved my dress. It thought it was a beautiful dress (I did not pick it out but had a blast with Beautiful and our friend dress shopping when they chose it for me lol!). I also worried that I did not thank someone, I was dismissive to someone, I didn't greet someone, etc. It was such a blur all day that I worried that I offended someone (many people) in some way, shape, or form. I was so sick over it all being over and imagining that something went wrong and that dress thought going through my head that I was anxious to the point of being very nauseated. It went away after 3 nights but it was intense. No logic to it, but I guess that is the hallmark of anxiety, right?

Anyway, Beautiful and her husband spent a fabulous week in Estes Park, CO and sent us lots of texts and funny videos of themselves hiking. Then they returned and the next Monday we had his family up for the day to open gifts. It was also JJ's 5th birthday AND our son in law's grandparents anniversary! so we had cake for that as well. I did not take any time off for the wedding and in hind sight I should have. Sigh... I just kept thinking about how much it cost to put it on and knew that I could not afford to take a week off lol!

So, that is a very loooong winded description of the thoughts of this mamma about her first-born daughter's wedding:) Real, raw, and honest:)

Thankful

I am thankful for a merciful Savior who loves me and seeks me even when I am stubborn and sinful.

I am thankful for a husband who resonates with me, shares my values and hopes, adores me, and is very, very, (VERRRRRY) patient with me.

I am thankful for my years of being a child of divorced parents teaching me that holidays are not about what day they are celebrated on, but rather about being together whatever day we celebrate. This first Thanksgiving with Beautiful married she is not with us for our family meal. But, she will be with us the rest of the weekend and is SOOOO excited to be engaging in the tradition of Black Friday shopping with her father (starting this evening). I am glad that they get to have those traditions together. I am equally glad that I am NOT a part of that tradition lol!

I am thankful that despite living in another state from all of our family, I got to see my brother a couple of days ago when he traveled through to go skiing. There is just something about a sibling, even if you are not on the same page all of the time, who "gets you" in a way that is different from others.  Well, at least my brother is that way. Of course my oldest son could be his son they are so similar - it is very odd to be raising a child who reminds me constantly of my brother while growing up. I guess I am thankful for those insights so I can better understand my son;)

I am thankful that my mother in law is in the presence of Jesus this year and no longer in pain.

I am thankful for wanting to participate in the cooking and Thanksgiving this year. I have spent the past several years just letting my husband do the cooking (he prefers that...and the kids prefer his cooking;) but this year I wanted to do my part so I made the rolls, dessert (that was very, very enjoyed), veggies, and....

I am thankful for the tradition in our family of making Lefse!  Every year when we make it I am reminded of my grandmother. Even though we cannot be together for the holidays I warms my heart to know that I am carrying forward into our family one of her beloved traditions.

I am thankful for Superman and the joy that he brings to this family. Watching he and Buddy play the Wii is always a riot and they are having a blast today!

I am thankful that a fuse got blown due to the dehydrator ('tis the season for venison jerky you know!) which necessitated moving our large assortment of games and puzzles and got us excited to play some. I am thankful for playing lots of games with the girls - and I am trying to be thankful for the opportunity it affords me to learn patience;)

I am thankful for a full house, even though it is only our family. I suspect one year it will be very lonely and quiet once all of the kiddos are gone.

I am thankful for our comfortable home. It is very modest, not fancy, not well decorated, and very...ummmm...lived in. But it is comfortable and far and away better than what my husband grew up with. That makes it an extra blessing for us that God has brought us to this place.  We talked over our lunch about being thankful for enough food, a warm home, enough room to sit around the table together, warm and clean water, and the many "toys" that we have to play with. We appreciate our home greatly. Yesterday when we were praying as a family about what to do about schooling Buddy reminded us that our home is to be a place of serenity and "home is where the heart is." We are thankful to be on a new mission of making our home a place with less conflict.



I am thankful that when we seek God he meets us where we are at. He makes things clear to us. He gives us the strength to do what we are to do. In needing to make the difficult decision about what to do about educating 2 of our kiddos we sought a lot of advice. Of course we got advice that was very widely varied. It seemed that the advice received was consistent with the advice givers worldview and personal experiences (of course). Thus, we decided to hunker down and pray through it to find out what God wanted for our family, ask you all to pray, and spend time making pros and cons lists. With that all done we have made the decision to continue to home school Superman and Faith. That decision means that a lot of other decisions need to be made and changes need to take place to make it more successful than in the past. I won't go into all of our process as no one will care about that, but as a family we have peace about it.  I would even go so far that we are excited about the changes we will be making.

Praise the Lord for His direction, His faithfulness, and His wisdom!

My experience at Women of Faith

This is another one of my "crawl around inside of my head and see what God is doing in my heart as I get uncomfortably vulnerable and honest, and hope that you find the way back out because I am...me;)" posts!

I have been trying to put words on this weekend's experience at Women of Faith, but mostly I am just coming up with "wow."  It was so timely.  It was so needed.  It was great the God met me there and really did follow through with the theme of this year's conference: From Survival to Revival.

It seems that life has been getting heavier and heavier and I really am just in survival mode- and barely doing that.  While my job is a blessing, it is a draining job and lately things have been getting heavier in addition to me working more.  Grappling with my theology on tough tough issues with marriage, suicide, etc has been hard.  I was used to working 2 12 hours days, then home schooling for 3 days and having the weekend to catch up/relax/find my brain/whatever.  I have learned that I need days totally uncommitted to other things in order to be able to keep treading water (survive).

I have added an extra day to my work week during this season.  Yes, I know what you are thinking.  Waaaa. Stop fussing about it.  If I only to work 3 days a week and could still support my family I wouldn't be complaining!  You are 100% right.  I try to see it that way.  But trying to still do all of the home schooling (my husband does a HUGE chunk of it, but with my daughter in college classes this year it has put a much larger burden on me than before) and being a wife and being a mom to 6 kids with special "stuff" and, and, and...  gets me really weary.  I absolutely could not do what I do without a husband who is 100% invested in home schooling, doing most of the home schooling and daily stuff with the kids because I am at work, and being a wonderful husband who lets me be overwhelmed and just loves me in the midst of it.  But, he gets weary too...  Just yesterday he said that we need to go on a vacation - he just wants to go somewhere with trees and outdoors.  That is my hunter man lol!

My last post about the surprisingly emotional reaction I had at receiving a bouquet of flowers was really the start of me figuring out that I seriously need to be asking people for help - and that experience (yes, odd experiences teach me the most obvious of things) taught me a bit about what I actually need so that I know what to ask for.

With almost all of our kids having IEPs (have qualifying learning disabilities.  I don't talk about this much due to the stigma that I feel on myself and my kids.  But it is a very heavy weight and burden on us) being a home school mom is hard.  On the one hand I am able to modify their lessons.  However, now having my oldest being on her way out the door to college I am realizing that she won't always have those modifications.  I have been more worried about my kids actually learning the material than just being able to test well or regurgitate information in the "acceptable format."  But, this was not a good approach if they will eventually need to take tests and write papers in the standardized way.  My daughter's college courses (helping her stay focused, organized, ON TIME, etc) has been a major, major, major source of stress for me this semester.  I have lost much sleep over it (and I have already shared how little I sleep anyway!)  6 - 7 hours is a good night sleep.  I don't function well with 5.

Then there is the whole boundary crossing issue of being the "heavy" and requiring right answers, timely work, and...gasp...and actual understanding of concepts coupled with being the encouraging, accepting, unconditionally loving mother who's children are bonded and attached.  Sometimes that works well.  Sometimes...not so much.

So, last week at the meeting at the school about a couple of the kids we increased our kids' time there and the breadth of what they will be doing with them.  I am hoping that our relationship with those 2 kids will improve without 2+ hours a day of fighting, crying, and pulling out of hair over math:)  I needed help, I asked, and God was gracious to provide.

I have a couple of other people I want to ask to help me with various parts of this process.  I am hoping that they say yes.  I just can't do it by myself anymore.  I have finally been humbled enough to ask for help.

Which brings me to what God' taught me at Women of Faith this weekend.  First of all, my husband's mother's mom died last week.  That has brought on a whole HOST of issues.  My mother in law did not handle it well.  Her physical and mental state has been severely declining of late.  My husband is so overwhelmed with dealing with her.  We  tried to find a way to get her to the funeral but it just was not going to work with all of her issues.  So, between him spending lots of time a day visiting his mom and fielding crazy phone calls, and home schooling the kids, and trying to keep me sane it has been very tough on him.  So, first I thought that I wouldn't get to attend the conference due to the funeral-but he decided that we were just not going to be able to make it work (and he needed to be here with his mom as she is so unstable right now).  Then I was so exhausted and overwhelmed from the week (well, really the last 8 years lol!) that I really didn't even want to go.  We had just had testing on JJ that morning for his language issues (he doesn't speak well AT ALL) and I was overwhelmed with the amount of work it will take to get him speaking.  Satan sure tried to prevent me from going.

But, I went (because I spent a lot of money and didn't want to lose it lol!  And I knew if I just went it would be a blessing).  And I am so glad that I went!

A total side blessing was the awesome alone time I got to have with Beautiful.  Almost 3 hours a day for 2 days alone with her in the car to talk.  I haven't spent time with her like that for over 8 years!  We had such a wonderful time connecting and talking about her future (and my fears about her future).

See, I am consumed with fear.  I have so many fears about how each of my kids are going to turn it out is ridiculous.  I have fears that I am messing them all up.  I have fears that I have not taught them what they need to know to be successful.  Does anyone else have those fears when their oldest is about to take the leap to independence?!?  That you have not prepared that child or any of them sufficiently?  I am impatient that they are not learning "it" quickly enough.  If they don't learn "_____________" then they will not succeed and I will have ruined them if only I had done more "____________" then it would all be OK and "______________."
 blah, blah, blah.

It is quite overwhelming, discouraging, and ridiculous.

This weekend the speakers were fabulous.  The worship was amazing. And the Spirit was present.  Our group was over 70 women in a sea of thousands.  I was totally surprised and blessed that a cousin of mine was there.  The cousin we saw at Life Light.  I should have known that she would be where God was being worshiped;)  She is such a blessing to me even though I rarely get to see her.

Since I have never been to Women of Faith my expectations were totally turned on their head when they started with a comedienne the first night and not dry doctrine.  She was a total riot.  I soooooo needed that!

Then the first speaker, Sheila Walsh, spoke.  That was a convicting talk.  I will be buying her books.

Nichole Nordeman sang.  That was a beautiful way to end the evening.  Not high energy.  Just intentional, deep worship.

Saturday rocked me.  While all of the speakers were great, I was really moved by 2.  Christine Caine and Matthew West.  I did enjoy hearing Lysa Terkuerst speak.  She had written an article 8ish years ago about adopting 2 boys from Liberia.  I had read it and it had sparked our journey to adopt from Liberia.  She had very encouraging things to say:)

Matthew West is obviously a singer and not a speaker.  However, he talked about how he came to write the songs from his latest album.  It is a very fascinating story but I won't write about it here.  He had written the song, "Hello, My Name Is ____________" and talked about it's origins.  Then he asked us to think of a way that we tend to "name" ourselves that is a lie.  Regret?  Shame?  Anonymous? etc.  I stopped to pray about it and thought that I would probably label myself as "fearful" and "impatient."  However, and I am getting all emotional just thinking about it again - as I stood there I felt that God was pushing another word in...

Hopeless...

And he was gently chastising my crushing feelings of hopelessness as if to say, "Hey!  We just went through this a year ago!  You said that you learned then to TRUST me, and now you have lost your hope?  What is up that that?!?"

It is so true though.  I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness that my kids will overcome the "yuck" of their learning disabilities, their prenatal and genetic influences, my poor parenting, their life experiences, not having family nearby, not having_______________, not doing ______________, not being ______________.

Most of the time I feel like I beat my head against the wall and try and try and try...but do I really have hope that it will be ok?  Am I really trusting God for the outcome like I would give lip service to?

Yep.  God had it right.  I have succumbed to hopeless, and thus I am weary and overwhelmed because I really believe that I am just working and working and working but all it amounts to is treading water and it will all amount to NOTHING...

Then, coupled with what Christine Caine taught powerfully on using 1 Kings 17.  She talked about God uses an...
      Unlikely place, with an
      Unlikely person, with an
      Unlikely strategy, to have an
      Unlikely outcome

In the town that the evil and hated Jezebel was from
2 poor people who were preparing their very last food so they could eat it and then die
were asked to give a portion of that food to Elijah
so that God would then provide unlimited flour and oil (provision/life) until it again rained

Great story!  God provides at the 11th hour!  But the story doesn't end there!

The son gets sick and.... dies?!?!?!!?

Christine talked about that as "our Miracle needing a Miracle."  That God clearly provided the 1st miracle, but then ....what????  why did God allow her son to live just to let him die?"

I completely and totally resonated with this concept.  I think of our adoptions and I think of how miraculous they were.  That we were allowed to adopt any of them with all of the legal wrangling, birth family issues, paperwork, etc is a clear, clear, clear testimony to my husband and I that God's fingerprints are ALL OVER our adoptions.  We did not complete those adoptions.  God did.  They were not of our flesh.  They were of God.

So, if they were of God, why is this so hard?  Why don't we seem to be making progress?  Why don't we seem to be helping them?  blah, blah blah.  Lie, lie, lie.

However, I hadn't really thought of it the way she had talked about it.

I was hopeless.  We had a miracle in the adoptions but they have been so difficult that I had lost hope.  I felt like I was not the right one for the job (like God made a mistake!).  I had lost my purpose and my way.  I realized that I, like the widow woman, need a miracle for the miracle of the adoptions.

But after this weekend...my hope and my direction is restored:)

 I will need to keep reminding myself of the Truth, but I do think that enough of a theological shift occurred, thanks to the Spirit, that it will stick.  Just like when I finally shifted my understanding from faith to trust last year.  This year he has shifted trust to hope.  That constant sanctification process that we are on.  I am sure there will be many more "shifts."  I have a looooooong way to go.

Which reminds me of another issue that God has been working in my heart.  This weekend he confirmed and wrapped it up with a nice bow:)

A few weeks ago a friend posted about the song "bless the Lord oh my soul."  I really, really, really needed that song that week.  It was a dark, dark week for me.  Then, several days later in church the pastor preached on...are you ready?  Psalm 103!!!  I was in the pew thinking, "you have got to be kidding me!"  Two days later I was visiting with someone who kept saying they wanted to talk about a Psalm with me.  I finally pulled out their Bible and read it with them and it was...you guessed it...Psalm 103.  Now, I admit to being pretty dense and it takes awhile to hear God speaking to me.  But this time I got it - 3 times in a week?  Clearly God wants me to pay attention.  So, I am working on memorizing it.

But, just for fun because He is God, Psalm 103 was talked about this weekend.  Since I don't really like to memorize I thought, "Ok God, if you really really want me to pay attention to Psalm 103, have someone talk about it at the conference."  Of all of the scripture in the Bible, what are the odds?

Yep, I told you I am a bit dense.

So, when it was mentioned again yesterday I submitted and said, "OK, clearly you want me to really get this."  The gist of Lysa's message was "I will steer where I stare," "don't get distracted on the way to my destiny," and "God's grace is sufficient - God is good, and God is good at being God!"  Obviously I need to be staring at "Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul."  Keep my eyes fixed on Him.  Have Faith, Trust Him, and place my Hope in Him for all of my tomorrows (and my today).

It was a great conference.  I already bought tickets for next year.  I am very sad that this was my first conference and next year is the last year of Women of Faith.  But I am sure that God will provide other opportunities for me to be sanctified...

In unlikely places
with an unlikely person
with an unlikely strategy
with an unlikely outcome:)

January 2014 life update

I have started more detailed posts about how the kids are doing but I don't seem to be getting that done in a timely manner, and some things have been extra stressful so...this is what I can do!  Things have been tough and I find that I don't make facebook posts or blog post when things are extra stressful.  I can't seem to find perspective or flip the "glass is half empty" to the "glass is half full."  In fact I see the glass as pretty much empty.  Rather than complain too much when I have absolutely no business complaining I choose to just keep my mouth shut (or in this case, my fingers still;)  Now that I am back to gaining a bit of perspective again I will write this update!

Beautiful: I cannot believe she will be 17 next month!  We are moving forward with college planning and options.  A fun stage of life and she is our guinea pig lol!  We are also trying to figure out a car for her. Finally, she broke her finger in a basketball game last Saturday.  She played 2 games with the broken finger. It is now in a splint and we will see when she can return to play.

Buddy:  He prefers video games to most other activities:)  Most of his time is spent sleeping, eating, doing school, and playing xbox.  That pretty much sums up his life lol!  He will probably be 6 foot by the time he turns 14.  He is growing fast.  When I look at video of him from just 18 months ago I can't believe how different his voice sounded and how short he used to be:)

Superman:  He continues to be such a friendly young man who love to encourage people.  He is so tender with his younger brother and prays fervently for those he cares about.  He does an amazing job of memorizing scripture and understands spiritual things unusually well for an 8 year old.  He really struggles with auditory information and math.  That makes things tough but we keep trying to keep perspective with what really matters.  We are very happy to be homeschooling and are solidly committed to continuing.  However, we are also very pleased with our local school district and how they help as he spends time there every week.  He has a best buddy and they hang out a lot at his house.  It allows Superman to have time away from his siblings and his friend and that family are great for him.

Grace:  I do not mean to sound like I am complaining so I hope that I don't come across that way.  I want to communicate the realities of life, and I very much realize that it could be so incredibly much more difficult.  The amount of time we spend constantly "on" dealing with "stuff" is exhausting.  I think what is so wearying is that there is no ability to trust her.  We must double check everything and watch constantly.  She has to have a room by herself.  Her room has had most things removed due to her ruining them or she can't keep them off of the floor.  The things we find in there that should not be there is incredible to me.  She can't even have a bed frame as she keeps hurting herself on it.  She has mattresses on a trundle bed so we can wheel it away from the wall once a week and clean behind/under it.  When we took the bed frame out I took a picture of what we found behind her bed as I was so shocked and wanted to remember it and tell her kids about it one day lol!  The constant tattling, chattering, and verbal noise is so typical of ADHD due to the inability to filter/subvocalize but it is exhausting!  Her back talk and arguing and hyperactive energy is constant.  We try to stay on top of it but...it is, again, exhausting!  She hurts herself (and others) almost every day with her inability to pay attention to her surroundings.  Her behavior has been getting worse lately with only about 1 day a week that has been bearable without some big upheaval.  In desperation we tried a new testing for neurotransmitters.  I learned about the testing and the biochemistry a couple of years ago.  I didn't know how to go about getting the testing done or if it would work if we did go through the process so did not move forward with it at that time.  We tested her last week and when I got the results I was shocked.  I cried.  I was speechless.  Every single area that we tested her in was significantly outside of normal levels.  We started a change in meds and we hope that it makes a difference.  She, too, receives great help from the local school and we are very happy that she is making steady progress.

Faith:  Our princess continues to grow up.  She continues to deserve the name Princess too!  We have had our share of struggles with her lately as well.  She is pretty good about flying under the radar while we are distracted with Grace.  It seems that she is entering that "tween" stage.  Grace has not emotionally/socially kept up with Faith so I think Faith flounders a bit without having a "friend."

JJ:  He is eating better.  He is learning to count and his colors.  He is growing up!  He is sleeping better.  Most nights I can have him rocked to sleep by 10ish and he will sleep until between 3 and 5 before he crawls into bed with us to snuggle.  We are doing a lot of work on his attitude (as with all of the kids) and he seems to be getting it.  He must be getting in some molars lately as he has been a bit more grumpy and chewing a lot more.  He has done so well with only getting the pacifier at bedtime (he doesn't take naps) but in the last couple of days has wanted to rock and chew on it a lot more.  It is actually kind of nice to have a kid that I can "fix" their problem with just some snuggling, rocking, and a pacifier.  It is simple compared to the issues of the other 5...

And finally...we check Superman and Faith's biological mother's facebook periodically (not too often as it makes me nauseated to read it).  It appears that she has had another child...sigh...  That is 6 kids in 8 years.  Rose is only 13 months old!  It has made me consider the cycle of all of this.  I am tempted to fall into despair and disgust.  I am terrified for the child's safety.  So many emotions that I won't go into here as I haven't processed them enough yet.  However, I keep hearing God asking me if I DO trust Him.  I just got through all of the emotional process of trusting God with Rose, and now there is another one.  How many more siblings are there from the dads much less how many more kids their mother will have?  It is too overwhelming for me to think about too much.  I need to focus on what I have control over (yet, as you can see from what I typed above I feel that I have no control over the kids in my own house either - and really I have no control lol!) and need to just keep pressing on with what God has given me and trust Him with the outcomes of all of it.  I grieve over the depth of depravity in this world.  I am so sad for the future of this child...and how every many more she has.  I will continue to try to keep my focus vertical, as when we keep our focus on the cross the horizontal is easier to bear:)

As a family we are attempting to have everyone read through the Bible in one year.  I help Grace but otherwise we are expecting that the kids will do the reading themselves and get in the habit of them reading it rather than us reading it to them.  We are hoping they will take more ownership that way.  It is a good way for my husband and I to stay accountable to our reading as well!

If you have been to Branson, MO I am sure you have heard about or taken in the Sight and Sound Theatre.  We saw Joseph there last year.  We bought all of the productions and have been enjoying watching them.  They have been good platforms for discussions with the kids and it really has helped bring the stories more alive for the kids and has given me much to consider as well as they "flesh out" the story line adding content that is not in scripture but is interesting to ponder.

So many things to juggle on top of working full time hours.  Trying to keep my eyes on Him and His priorities:)

Saying Goodbye to Rose

This weekend Rose will be moving to Ohio to live with her Great Aunt.  We have been told that the Aunt is interested in maintaining contact with us.  We shall see what the future brings.

When I thought about what to write about saying goodbye, I thought about the realities of that day last month.  We drove to her foster home and got to spend a bit less than an hour playing with her, taking a ton of pictures in group and individual settings with each child.  We prayed over her.  We avoided talking about the reality that we may never see her again.  We purposely packed the day with activities such as walking through a race car museum, buying shoes for every child (uff da!), doing our monthly shopping at Wal Mart and Sam's Club (it ended up being 2 months of shopping and, again, UFF DA!).  We also splurged and took the kids to a sit down restaurant for the first time.  Faith was quite curious about the difference between a "fast food" restaurant and that this was a "slow food" restaurant;)  She also was excited that we had glass glasses to drink from lol!  Thankfully there were tv's with football games playing to keep the kids occupied while we waited.  We also laughed about how the waiter looked like Anikin Skywalker.

But sharing about the day we said goodbye does not really encompass the truth of what it has been like to say goodbye to Rose.  It has, by far, been the most painful experience of my adult life.  My parent's divorce when I was 4 and losing my close friend to a drunk driver when I was 16 happened before I knew how to really grieve and think through situations and thus were devastating, but were different.  I was not a Christian then nor was I mature enough to really consider implications of anything more than the grief I felt at the time. I thought I would do better this time, but I grieved just as poorly as I did then.

In two weeks Rose turns 1.  We received the phone call telling us she was 1 day old and asking if we would like the placement and likely adoption.  This journey has been almost a year in the making.  I thought I would share about the heart realities of saying goodbye to Rose: biological sibling to our Superman and Faith and 5th in the sibling strip born to the mother.  Talking about this places me in a very vulnerable position, and I really, really dislike doing that.  But I am hopeful that it may help someone else who is grieving as so many other people have posted vulnerably about themselves and it has helped my healing process.

The time we had Rose in a nutshell: she was born 12/4/2012.  We got the call from HHS the next day.  She had to remain in the NICU for 10 days due to choices her birth mom made that affected Rose negatively.  We had given up our foster care license 7 months before and got moving on the process immediately to reinstate it.  We contacted a friend who had a friend who agreed to be Rose's placement until we could get licensed.  Our finger prints were sent off to the FBI but no one had news on them for months.  I finally called them and discovered that they had been sitting on someone's desk with HHS for 7 weeks and no one had moved them on.  Because we were not licensed when Rose went to court, her placement went elsewhere despite the fact that it was HHS's fault that we were not licensed.

During that time frame of mid-Dec to mid- Feb we were able to do respite with Rose and had her for a total of 7 weeks.  It was an emotional time where we wanted to believe she was staying, but the license was not approved.  Then a father was named and the HHS worker decided that she did not agree with something I said during a visit and caused a variety of hoops to be created for us to prove that we were capable being a good family for our children's biological sibling.  

In mid-February we were told she needed to be moved to another foster home and await the DNA testing with the alleged dad.  This took a couple of months.  Then he began visitation and the process began for his mother to obtain custody.  That did not move forward so the great aunt was identified, and a month ago she was approved.  We did monthly visitation during that time and advocated strongly with HHS and her Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) for us to be the placement.  The foster home she was in was excellent and they (and many, many others) have been praying fervently for God's Best for Rose.  They, too, are grieving deeply during this time.

When I look back on the past 10 months it was, essentially, a very dark time.  After losing her in February I really lost myself.  I had many nightmares about what could happen to her and therefore could not sleep.  Having worked in prisons for 9 years my mind is a fertile ground for imagining the worse in less than optimal homes.  However, knowing the reality of what has happened to our children, Rose's siblings, made it all the more real and graphic in my mind.  I cried a lot initially.  I considered all of the injustices of this world due to sin and utter depravity.  I thought about the endless tortures that can happen to a defenseless child physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  I thought a lot about the realities of adoption - people want to believe it is such a beautiful experience but it is usually one interspersed with loss, grief, trauma, and pain.  I grieved for Superman and Faith who were daily praying fervently that we would get to adopt her.  She is their only biological family that they know other than the two siblings who were adopted to another family also during this past year who have moved to a far away state.  Superman remembers what his life was like before he came to our home.  He remembers and has deep fear for his sister experiencing the same.  I discovered their mother's facebook page.  Her posts make me shudder and nauseated.  She is 25 I believe.  How many more children will she do this to?  I pondered all of my children's biological siblings that I know about and don't know about and wondered about their lives.

I tried to keep my thoughts positive.  I tried to tell myself all of the truths of God's character.  I repeated to myself over and over that He is sovereign, He is powerful, He loves her more than we do, He created her, He knows every day of her life and we cannot do anything to change that, His ways are better than our ways, another home may be better than our home for her to grow up in, if she is to be saved it is up to God and not to us, etc.  But my thoughts also were increasingly dark.  I know that God is all of these things, but I also know that every single one of us deserve Hell.  We are all sinners and do not deserve to be safe from harm, it is only by His mercy that anyone is.  I considered the millions of children across the world who grow up in deplorable conditions ranging from orphaned to starving to neglected to the may ways they are abused and killed.  God loves every one of of those children too, what makes Rose different?  I reminded myself that the HHS system is very broken and what is best for the child may look one way on paper, but it may not be best in reality, the workers are over worked and jaded, and laws as well as human error result in a lot of less than optimum outcomes...yet God is sovereign over those entities and we must submit to His choices.  It was a horrible, horrible time in my mind.  I knew that I must, I MUST, bow the knee and submit to His will and His plan.  I could not let myself fall into bitterness and resentment.  Yet, I always skirted that line.  I told myself that I had to have faith.  I had to persevere.  I had to endure.  I had to accept God's will even though it could be horrible for Rose.  There were many other thoughts on both sides but you get the idea.  I would chastise myself for being in that dark place when I "should" know better.  With what I do for a living and being a Christian, I "should not" be...whatever I was struggling with at the time.  Probably the worse was the apathy.  I existed for a long time in a place of "what is the point?"  Why clean when it will just get dirty?  Why bother?  I kept life up as it "needed" to be, but did not go further than that.

I found that I could only cope via escape.  I could not win the battle in my mind so I sought to not be in my mind.  I could not bear to sleep and have nightmares and thus went to bed very late (not too hard with a toddler who would not go to bed until 12 or 1 a.m., but I was often up much later than that) and got out of bed early.  Once I woke up I could not fall back to sleep.  In the past my escape has always been in doing.  I would clean primarily.  I would have projects and activity.  The problem with doing those things is that they took energy (that I did not have) and they still allowed for me to be trapped in my brain with my thoughts.  So, I reverted to my old standby.  You know that question "if you were on a deserted island and could only have one thing what would it be?" Well, my answer would be...a book.  Even as a kid I read all of the time as escape and people around me did not appreciate it.  I have loved home schooling our children as it gives me the excuse to read aloud to them lots and lots.  I had not let myself read fiction in over 10 years because I knew that with my addictive personality (I do the same with computer games, so I can't holler too loudly at Buddy and his xbox since he is just like me in this regard) I would not stop.  Anyone else out there play Spider Solitaire and tell themselves, "just one more, I'll quit after this one!" ?  Well, I started reading.  I venture to guess that I have probably read over 200 mindless and purposeless fiction books since this began. I am embarrassed about it.  But there it is.  I am a "readaholic" :) .  I am not sure that anyone outside of the family realized how far into the black hole that I fell.  I did what I needed to do.  But pretty much what I remember for the past 10 months is darkness.

God had revealed to me around August I think that Rose would not be returning to us and had released me from some of the emotional attachment that was so hard.  I felt in my heart that she was my child even though on no paperwork was that ever stated - not even officially as a foster mother.  I was 100% attached to her despite only having her for 7 short weeks.  I felt that I had lost my child through all of this ordeal.  Then I would feel guilty about that since she was never my child.  God helped me to process some of that.  Then, during a lunch with dear friends of ours who say it like it is, there was, for the first time, confession and processing.  I marvel at God's timing of it since the next day we got the news that Rose for sure would be going to her Great Aunt.  That day I refused to allow myself to read.  I hated the dark nebulous place in which I had existed and fought kicking and clawing to not fall back in there.  So I did the next best thing...I cleaned:)  I put on worship music and cleaned.  God brought me to another place that day.  A place of realizing that up until then I had been kneeling as a servant before the throne but by the grit of my teeth forcing myself to "do" the right thing.  But instead I was moved to a place of sitting on His lap and simply...being with Him...trusting Him.  I know that those words seem incredibly simple and perhaps even trite.  But the shift in my heart was the difference between bondage and freedom, pitch black darkness and living light.  Between me forcing myself to do what I was supposed to do...and just...letting go and trusting Him.  This is not the first time I have struggled between "doing" and "being," between living "for" Him and living "with" Him.  It is an ever present struggle and I seem to have a hard time remembering the lesson.

That was the day I got better.  The day before our friends had used the word "trust" in their conversation with me.  It had stuck in my mind and I could not let it go.  The day after this in church every song that was sung had the word "trust" in it over and over.  I was pretty emotional about it to my further embarrassment.  By the way, I have carefully watched every single song in church since that day and have not once seen the word "trust" come up again yet.  The next Friday was when we went to say our final goodbye to Rose.  And it was...well:)

During the past month I have felt that I am in the light again.  I feel creative to do things, and want to create not just exist.  I feel energy to do things.  I feel peace.  I feel joy again.  I am even crying again (which I normally avoid at all costs).  That was a weird one for me.  Initially it was quite annoying but then I realized that I was actually feeling again so have chosen to rejoice in it but, seriously, how many times is it appropriate to cry during the Lord of the Rings lol! There was a period of 2 weeks where I felt incredible guilt for what I have lost out on with my family and friends for the past 10 months while I have been "absent."   But, He has taken that too.  It is what it is.  Like every trial in my life, looking back on it I am seeking to find the silver lining.  This trial has helped me understand the hearts of our birthparents/grandparents better, it has helped me to understand functional depression better, it has helped me to understand the power of escaping to cope and hard it is to get out of it, it has helped me understand that the "right words" mean nothing until the Holy Spirit sows it into one's heart, it has helped me see so very many of my shortcomings and given me direction on how to proceed, it has helped me to relax a bit and not take things so serious (after all the house still stands after my lack of intentional living for the past months), it precipitated the pen pal friendship with a favorite author I discovered, it has allowed us to get to know Superman and Faith's other two biological sibings and their adopted family.  Mostly...I have moved to a new level of...trusting Him:)