Baby Rose's 2nd night

Last night JJ slept 11 hours!!!!!  That meant that Rose was the only child waking me up and it was so much better:)  We have just been kicking back doing nothing.  In fact, JJ and I just woke up from a leisurely 2 hour nap while Rose was napping:)  I suppose that tonight I actually need to get some baking/cooking done since we are going to do our family Christmas tomorrow with the turkey and fixings, and then celebrate and enjoy for 2 days:)  We have always always traveled for Christmas.  This is the first year we have stayed home and just been a family together.  It is absolutely precious:)  While I very much miss my family, this is a good time for us:)  We will be traveling later for a family Christmas though:)  Growing up with divorced parents meant that the date of "Christmas" was always contingent on who had us when, etc.  Therefore I have never really been tied to a certain day to celebrate.  That will probably be a good thing since with 6 (possibly 7!) children married and off with their own families we may end up doing a February family Christmas lol!

And surprise, I am way off of topic.  It has been so delightful to have no agenda and to just "be." Yesterday was a sweet first for Rose, her umbilical cord fell off;)  As silly as it sounds, I was so happy to have a "first" with her since she is only with us for a few days then will be gone again.  I am sad that we never got to see her in the NICU, so I won't have any of those memories to share with her.  I am SO thankful for her other foster mom who did get to love her and pray over her there and take pictures.  She will get the privilege of sharing that part of her life with her:)  I remember how sad it made me when JJ was born that I knew I had to defer some "firsts" to his birth mom (although my husband did get to give him the first bottle...that he spit up all over...and began the 5 week journey of discovering that no formula worked and I had to go through the process to nurse him myself).  I know it was the right thing to do to defer to his Tummy Mommy, but it was a bit sad for me nonetheless. Yet, with Rose I am again needing to defer to others for many "firsts" and my heart just needs to be OK with it.  God clearly has her covered:)

Yesterday we had another first in our family...our Beloved is almost 16.  That means that her friends are already 16.  That means that yesterday she got to go with her 16 year old friend shopping...by themselves!  They then came back here and we watched movies:)  It is an ironic time in our family with  one child coming in totally dependent...and one child moving toward independence.  I creates a unique tension.  It is easy to show love to younger kids by cuddling, rocking, or playing together.  It is altogether different to reassure a child who is on the cusp of "I know I am not a child, but still want to be taken care of, but really want to make my own decisions, but I am unsure of what the future holds, etc."  that cannot be done with rocking and cuddling yet still needs to be done.  But...that is for another post another time as I am yet again quite off topic:)

Rose's first night

In vast contrast to two posts ago, life has changed considerably.  The Monday after Thanksgiving we found out that Superman and Faith had 2 sisters - being adopted by another family.  The following Wednesday...we found out that there was another sister born, the day before, and we were asked to be her foster parents and potentially adopt her if that should be the long term outcome.  I have been writing another post with those details, but as the emotions and contemplations are too raw right now, I will save it for another time.

Suffice to say that Superman and Faith have a sister whom we met last Saturday and now get to have for 5 days.  We will then need to give her back to her current foster placement (an amazing, amazing family who loves the Lord deeply) until our paperwork is completed relicensing us for foster care.  The other post is about those details, this post is just for fun:)

When my husband and I left on Thursday to pick her up, the roads were too icy from storm so we just a short distance, enjoyed dinner at our favorite chinese restaurant, and returned home.  We opened a few Christmas presents in lieu of having Rose home with us, and played Wii most of the day:)  Friday we tried again, this time successfully.  My husband and I were very surprised to find ourselves very anxious about the situation...as if we were first time parents or something lol!  Evidence of this was found when my husband turned the wrong way down a one way and I, who usually enjoy talking quite a bit (shocked you, didn't I;) stopped talking all together and my husband (who is usually quite quiet) could not stop talking.  It was a bit comical.

Upon further examining of my emotions I realized that this was not anxiety about bringing another child home, it was about loving a child and possibly having let her go...

I remember when we got the call for JJ.  I was totally shock.  We found out on Friday.  We drove to Utah on Sunday and met the mom Monday.  Tuesday I witnessed his birth.  Wednesday, when JJ was 27 hours old his mother signed the paperwork relinquishing her parental rights and IT WAS DONE!  We had to wait 6 months to finalized the adoption...but IT WAS DONE!  We did not want to go through the uncertainties of foster care again and I could completely and fully love him immediately unlike our previous 3 adoptions where we had to keep our heart in check...and yet here we are.  And we are doing it with open hearts and love for the sister of our children.  We are so incredibly blessed that everything seems to be going forward quickly and seamlessly...at least as much as a process can working with red tape, etc.  However, we know full well that at any moment major changes could happen.

So, to the fun part.  We picked her up and had a sweet time with the current foster parents.  We then drove toward home, but realizing that we did not have a Christmas present for her as it all happened so fast, we decided to stop at Walmart...and right inside the door ran into...the foster family who had Superman and Faith for 3 months before we got them!!!!  These people are such wonderful God fearing and sacrificial people.  They have kept in touch these years and sincerely care for and love Superman and Faith.  When they found out about the baby when I called them last week they said they would pray for the process and I knew they would.  So when God "happened" to put us all together at the same time it was precious:)  

We then got home and Rose could not have gotten more kisses and love.  Even JJ is loving her immensely.  Superman loved to hold her calmly while speaking his love for her.  Grace is just beside her self with the cute girl clothes that she wants to put on her dolls:)  Faith is a bit more subdued than Superman, but excited nonetheless.  It is an odd feeling to bring a child into the home not necessarily thinking of her as "my" child but thinking of her as my children's sister.  It reminds me to be less possessive of her and more generous of their time with her.

I stuck her in the wrap and she fell asleep on my chest, then JJ curled up and fell asleep there too:)  It was very, very sweet as he had his hand over and and is very protective of her.  JJ fed her her first bottle here:)

Unfortunately this was by 6:30 p.m.  I knew that meant that he would not sleep all night long...I was right.  I sat up holding Rose until 1:30 mindful that I would only have 4 1/2 days with her before we have to drive her back.   I crawled into bed...and JJ got up at 1:45.  He wanted a bottle (yes, he is still on a bottle, but as he is finally eating real food he is taking a bottle much less!) so we did that.  Then he heard the baby and ...he was up until 4:30 cooing and touching her.  You would have thought he gave birth to her himself how proud and excited he was with smiles and talking all about her (as much as his incoherent babbles could be understood).  He finally went back to sleep and Rose got up at 5:30.  You get the picture. 

So today we are just hanging out a bit brain dead.  Rose was actually awake for 3 hours this morning (she had slept the entire time since we got home, rooting around just enough to be fed and go back to sleep).  The kids all kissed and touched her so much I think that kept her awake lol!  JJ kept saying "I kissed my sister" (well, actually it sounded more like I kid my didder).  Superman is the essence of a loving big brother.  He is attentive, gentle, and thoughtful.  To think he is the middle child in our home...but biologically the oldest of 5 children...  Anyway, it has been a sweet time.

I am thankful that Rose is not having problems sleeping or eating...obviously a relief after all of the issues with JJ.  She blew out 2 diapers already this morning and seems very, very sedate and quiet - this makes her very easy...very nice:)  Unfortunately it actually makes me worry that she is "too" sedate lol!  She is a full 2 lbs bigger than JJ was, even though she was born 2 weeks earlier than he was.  Nonetheless she is so incredibly tiny I cannot even remember JJ being that small!

Oh, I will add that we met the family who has the other 2 sisters and they are also amazing.  We got much more information about situations and we have complete peace about the outcome of that situation:)

 Just a snippet into the major turn of events in our home over the past 3 weeks!

Grace Update: December 2012

The two sides of Grace: She loves to be "pretty" and like a princess...but she is seemingly always on her head lol!  Here she is doing school in the ipad!

I realized that I have not updated on Grace for a long time...since July! So much is new!

I wrote last time that Grace was switched to a new medication - Vyvanse.  Vyvanse is the longest acting ADHD medication which gives her symptom control even into the evening.  We try to get it in her ASAP in the mornings as the first hour of the day is a little hairy, but then we settle into a routine:)  Vyvanse also is unique in that it is not abusable.  Vyvanse is encased in a special coating that does not allow it to break down except by very specific enzymes that are only found in the stomach.  Not that we are worried about her abusing it, but as she gets older that is a good choice.  We are also THRILLED that with the other various interventions we use with her, we only have to have her on the 20 mg dose when 30 mg is the starting dose. 

In August we had an occupational therapy evaluation and the very wonderful pediatric occupational therapist worked with us regarding sensory interventions.  We discovered that Grace is over stimulated auditorily and visually, but understimulated in the senses of tactile, proprioception (deep muscle pressure) and vestibular (spinning, swinging, being upside down, etc).  So, when Grace gets over stimulated in one area, she will gravitate to an area of understimulation but go WAYYYY overboard in an attempt to "feel" those senses.  We now have interventions to keep her more "balanced" with the stimulation.  The biggest change is that at bedtime we no longer have 20 minutes to 2 hours of screaming as she is way too out of balance sensory wise and nothing could reintegrate it other than sleep (which she could not get to due to feeling so out of balance).  If that isn't improvement I don't know what is lol! 

In October I attended an ADHD conference taught by Dr. Barkley.  His insights were extremely helpful for understanding ADHD in a way that I had not previously conceptualized it.  That conceptualization along with very practical tools for management of ADHD have resulted in a major shift in how we parent Grace and life has probably improved (between the medication, the sensory interventions, and the new behavioral management techniques) to the place where realistically we are as good as we are going to get...at this place is manageable.  Check out my blog posts specifically the statistics of ADHD here and the conceptualization of ADHD/ADD here.  I highly, highly recommend his book on parenting a child with ADHD.

I have yet to type up a post on the behavioral interventions/expectations of a child with ADHD, but those changes have been a total Godsend in our home and we have had several months to tweak them and see how they work over time.  I'll get on the post...sometime;)

Finally, Grace's impulsivity has not lent itself well to learning.  Once those behaviors were more controlled we realized just how poor her concentration/focus was and that prompted the medication change from Ritalin to Vyvanse.  Once school was underway for 1st grade we realized that she is still struggling mightily.  So...we contacted the school and got her set up for various testing.  She now has an IEP in place with the public school and attends there for a couple of hours 2x a week for various interventions to hopefully help in the areas in which she struggles (math, reading, writing, etc).  Grace's test scores for IQ and speech/language issues were as varied and comical as Grace is.  She had scores off the bottom of the chart...and off the top!  Guess which area she scored at the 99th percentile???  Scores related to talking!  For those of you who have met her you know she NEVER stops talking and is quite able to quickly think on her feet to argue any point to exhaustion lol!  The testers said that (despite having had her medication) she was upside down in her chair, under the table, standing on her head, etc during the testing.  This child is never still...that is part of what makes her so fun...and so difficult;)  I want to say here that our school district has been amazingly awesome about the kids (we have more than 1 with an IEP) being home schooled yet working with us to give them the interventions we have all agreed on.  They have been thoughtful, they have heard our concerns, they have been wonderful with the kids, etc.  I am so thankful for them.

I belong to various Yahoo groups for mom's of adopted kids, mom's of adopted kids with learning differences, mom's helping kids with auditory processing issues, mom's helping kids with dyslexia issues, etc.  I have learned many, many things from these groups including that the issues my kids have are not as bad as they could be:)  I have also learned about various interventions that they talk about over and over.  I belong to a online Home school coop from where home schoolers can buy various deeply discounted curriculum.  I saw Reading Eggs on there and have heard of it on the yahoo groups over and over, I decided to try it.  Grace plays this internet "game" and it teaches her phonics, etc.  It is good for her since it provides immediate feedback, it is engaging...for hours!, it drills concepts over and over (did I mention that she stays out of trouble for extensive periods of time while on the computer? ;)  We also got the Reading Eggs app for the ipad so she can have it to do while we are out and about and need her to be still.

As for day to day life?  There is no question she is our toughest child.  There is no question that life is exponentially more...more...well, "more" because of her in our lives.  She brings joy in things that we would just not see if it were not for her.  She brings opportunities for us to learn more about humility and grace in the face of the sin in our hearts that her behavior brings to the surface.  She definitely makes ordinary moments quite extraordinary.  For example, I just got done brushing and braiding her hair.  She said "ouch" then turned that into "ouchie" then turned that all into a rap song complete with dancing and prancing around (making it more difficult to complete her hair) and then took the brush and started brushing the carpet with it in beat with her song...  life is just like that all of the time!  I tend to be a person that misses many details as I am focused on task accomplishment and long term goals.  Grace has no ability to think other than the moment and thus she helps me to see things that I would otherwise miss because she is ALL about the moment, not being distracted by thoughts of the next moment:)

Reflections on this week...

What a hard week this has been.  What a week where God has taken me through a roller coaster of emotions and insights.  He has stretched me.  He has made me see my sin more clearly.  He has made me have a deeper level of compassion where I mistakenly thought I already had plenty.  This is another one of those deeply vulnerable posts of mine.  Feel free to not continue.

When we first got the news about the girls we were angry.  The "system" is broken.  How could the girls be in a situation where it was known that HHS did not have to enact reunification efforts because of previously terminated parental rights...yet they did not seek out where those children were placed?!?  It still frustrates and grieves me very deeply.

This has led to deep feelings of an utter lack of control.  While I "know" that I have no control and I "know" God is sovereign over EVERYTHING and I have seen His hand work in utterly miraculous ways over and over and over in our lives (e.g. our fire, our adoptions, etc), this still has felt like a staff person's "mistake."

I poured through 1 and 2 Kings reminding myself over and over the consequences of living in a depraved world led by depraved leaders where sinners make decisions...and mistakes...that affect countless people.  I tried to comfort myself reading how God's hand was clearly working, even though most of it was about discipline of a rebellious people.  However, that is where America (and many other nations) are at now, being rightly disciplined by a Holy God and dealing with the consequences of making laws/decisions that are not God's laws/decisions.

Making myself ponder these truths proved to be too painful...so I escaped.  My ultimate mode of escape is reading.  I forbid myself from reading fiction because I know that I will not stop.  I have read perhaps 5 books of fiction in the past 10 years (maybe not even that many) aside from reading to the children as I know the lure of it for me.  Then I do not do the things I ought to be doing.  But, in the past 3 days I have read 3 long books of fiction purely for escape.  Purely for entertainment.  Without a shred of useful knowledge in them.

I just needed to stop the headache.  I needed to stop the feeling of being kicked in the gut.  I read late into the night and got up early to read because I whenever I am awake I am thinking...about the girls... (ironically sounds like excuses I hear from people who use drugs/alcohol, etc lol!)

How ridiculous is this, I keep telling myself!  I do not know these girls!  I don't even know their names!  I know their ages, that they are girls, that they are the siblings of our children, and that they had to have not the most stable and pleasant experiences in their young lives to date.  How can I be so attached to them and desire to hold them and kiss away their tears and tell them that I would be their forever mommy!  How can I be so grieved for yet another loss for our children, and for the girls who will grow up with even less of their family than they (I keep telling myself, again ridiculously) SHOULD have been raised with!  If life was perfect they SHOULD have been raised in a loving, God fearing home with BOTH their bio mom AND dad. Millions of orphans in this world grow up without their siblings in much worse situations.  What is my problem!  But...I also know from having adopted bio siblings that there is a bond between them that is far different than the bond with the other siblings.

Then...I started to think the unthinkable...  I began to think that I don't even want to know them...that it would be "easier" to just forget about them.

WHAT!  What can that possibly be about?!?!?  Ahhh...God revealed to me the impatience I have had dealing with the birth families of our adopted children and how they have clearly communicated to us that it just too hard and they want contact to be minimized.  That was so painful!  I have thought, "but what about the child?"

Yet, here I am thinking the same thing.  I cry and cry thinking about how I feel like I have lost my children.  My children!  AS IF THEY WERE MY CHILDREN TO LOSE!!!  AS IF I HAVE EVEN MET THEM TO FORM AN ATTACHMENT!!!   I have thought how I have been spared the loss of miscarriage or dealing with infertility.  This loss must be about 1% of what that would be and it is devastating!

Yesterday we went for a walk in the warm weather and as I was pushing  the stroller I kept thinking that I SHOULD be pushing a double stroller.  Again, the ridiculousness of my thoughts this week has been quite revealing of my sense of "shoulds" in my life (yes, I know that is pride), my lack of trusting in my sovereign God, and the awareness of such a "loss" that is not even really a loss of anything I ever had!

If I were to think of the top 10 parents in the WORLD I would not want them raising my child.  How painful then to think that if we were to meet this family they may...xyz...bringing us grief in how the girls are raised.  Again, what RIGHT do I have to how the girls are raised!  And, even more painfully, to realize that this family may probably exceed our parenting abilities 1000 fold!   Uggg.

We have not had any response from HHS since Monday other than the children's adoption case worker "thought" that the other family would be excited to meet us and the kids.  Perhaps they are worried that we may fight the situation and don't want to contact us.  Right now...I'm not sure what I want to have happen...  I am praying that God opens the door if it is His will, and keeps it closed if that is His will.  I will say that the things that have been His will for me to experience this week have been plenty hard to stomach already and yet I am very astutely aware they they pale violently in comparison to the many, many struggles that I know my friends are dealing with regarding their children at this time.

Also, interestingly, we had until now felt perfectly content to be "done" with 6.  But we have prayed for this child for 3 years, ever since we had been told we would get him/her at birth.  I don't know why but we had always referred to her as "her."  We "knew" she was a girl.  We had waited for 2.5 years holding on to our foster license "in case" she came into the system, finally releasing it in April of this year.  Wanting to adopt again only if one of our children's siblings were in the system for adoption.  After all...EIGHT children!  All the more ironic how hard this week has been!

It makes me feel like a whimp to not be able to get a handle on this.  So,
I refuse to pick up another fiction book...at least for awhile.
I will force myself to deal with this head on.
I will delight in the many, many blessings that I have.
I will cling to my sovereign God and try to stay vulnerable for Him to stretch and grow me to be more like Him.

If anyone asks me how I am doing, like several have done this week, I will say that I am fine.  I have no right to say anything else.  As a sinner I am already blessed beyond anything I deserve because Christ loves me and died for me...and I am so glad that He loves those girls more than I ever possibly can and He will orchestrate the paths of their lives perfectly in His will and power.

Devastated:(

In researching the whereabouts of Superman and Faith's mom yesterday I emailed their old HHS caseworker in hopes that there was an off hand chance she may know about the 3 year old sibling and if s/he was safe.  You may recall that the day we adopted Superman and Faith we found out that their mother was due to have another child in 2 weeks.  We were told we would have that child.  We waited...then found out she fled the state to avoid losing the child.  We were sad but waited to see if she would ever return to the state and have HHS involvement.  We finally let our foster care license go 6 months ago having lost hope of getting that child...

This morning we found out that they have a sister who turned 3 this month...

and a sister who is 15 months...

both in our state...

both in state custody in foster homes.

both being adopted...

not by us...

we were never told...

we are devastated.

We feel totally kicked in the gut about this.  We are in disbelief.  We are numb.  Siblings are SUPPOSED to be kept together!  Apparently when the kids came into the system, because rights to Superman and Faith were terminated, the state did not have to prove the mother was unfit so the kids went right to an adoption worker and never entered "the system" that would have flagged us as having the older kids.  Ummmm...if they knew that there were other kids terminated on then why didn't they look for those kids' placements?!?!?!

The worker (who is wonderful and this is in no way her fault) is trying to get us in contact with the other foster parents so at least Superman and Faith can have contact with the kids and get to know them.  I am so incredibly sad that Superman and Faith will not get to grow up WITH their siblings!!  I know that JJ has at least 5 siblings out there "somewhere."  Grace has I think 6 or 7 siblings out there "somewhere."  Superman and Faith were the oldest and we were led to believe that we would get to raise any other younger siblings placed in foster care.  They have had SOO much loss already...then this.  I am downright frustrated.

I know that the system is not perfect at all.  But I also know that God has supreme authority over the system.  He knew when these kids got placed that they were not in our home...I am trying really, really hard to submit my emotions to this logic...this truth.  But in reality I just want to sit and cry and be frustrated.

I am trying to use logic:
Maybe if we would have gotten the girls somehow their mother would have found Superman and Faith.

Maybe if we would have gotten the girls they would have somehow been removed to another bio family member and Superman and Faith would have been devastated by being "left."

Maybe something else bad that I can't think of would have happened.

We "should" be happy that we even get to find out about the sisters and possibly have a relationship with them...right?

But it still hurts...

One very big truth remains that gives me some solace...if we would have had the 3 year old girl placed with us in November 2009...we would never have adopted JJ in August 2008.  I cannot imagine life without our precious son!!!

So...trying to submit my will to God's will...
Trying to trust His sovereignty and perfect, unerring plans for ALL life...
Trying to give him my grief and thank Him for the many blessings that I do have and so desperately do not deserve.
Trying to be thankful that each of our children get to grow up with 5 siblings, not trying to minimize this blessing!
Trying to also consider that maybe God knew that in this season of life...be content with 6 arrows in our quiver...

But it hurts...a lot...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_RN3nZMSJE

Trying to focus on the truths of this song and keep my eyes on Him as I grieve...

An Adoptive Mom's Reflection on, "Mommy"

This morning as I was walking with JJ to church he was repeating "mommy, mommy" in a precious sing song voice.  He was savoring the word.  He was enjoying that he was with me...his Mommy.  I hear JJ say "mommy" quite a bit if time.  He is a very clingy child and wants to be with me the vast majority of the time.  But, this morning his delighting in saying "Mommy" was different...and set me to reflecting.  The music and sermon in church kept my thoughts spinning and as I wept through much of church I thought about what mommy and Mommy have meant to me.  Perhaps it was because 10 years ago this month is when my husband and I started this adoption journey.  Perhaps it was because today is National Adoption Day.  Perhaps God is just once again taking my heart deeper into an understanding of Him.

When our biological children were born we were so excited to watch them grow and to say Mommy and Daddy.  It was special.  It was precious.  It was how it was "supposed to be." We took it for granted.  We raise and care for and love them.  They call us Mommy and Daddy as a reflection of loving, trusting, and having a unique relationship with us too.  That is what "Mommy" and "Daddy" means, right?  After all, with these children there was just a oneness.  They came from my body.  We cuddled, loved, sacrificed, and breathed these children.  They were an extension of US!  They never knew that they were separate!  We have always been ONE!

Then came Grace.  Grace came to us at 4 months old.  We went through the entire foster care process of reunification efforts with her biological parents.  It was a heart breaking time for us.  Right or wrong we kept our hearts guarded for the real probability that she would not be forever "ours."  She began to talk early (boy oh boy is she a talker!!).  When her bio dad would take her on visits he would have her call whatever girlfriend that he had at the time, "mommy."  It broke me heart.  I wish so passionately that we would have had that time from when she was 4 months be just our bonding time.  I know that "things" with her would have been different, they would be better today.  But, that was not the plan for her life.  She was grafted in, she who had not been ONE with us since the beginning having to grow into being "us."

When Grace was 25 months, 4 days before her Adoption Finalization, Superman and Faith came.  They were 23 and 36 months old.  They had been in various placements for 23 months.  They had  had various caregivers.  The first weekend that we had them (one week before they came to us permanently) they came to us willingly and called us "mommy" and "daddy."  That is not to say that they were not hesitant and fearful, but they called us "mommy" and "daddy." 

"mommy" and "daddy" mean something totally different to a child who has been bounced around.  It is simply the generic term for female and male caregiver.  It does not have the attachment, the emotion behind it that we get so excited for, as parents, when we hear "Mommy" and "Daddy."  I do not know how long it took for their "mommy" and "daddy" to mean "Mommy" and "Daddy" but I think that now, 4 1/2 years later, we are there...at least much of the time.  Yet, attachment issues linger.  Bonding issues linger.  Trust issues linger.  Total "belongingness" issues linger.  I wish we would have had them since birth...but that was not the plan for their life.  They too have had to be grafted in, they are having to work on being "us."

Then came JJ.  When we knew God was leading us to adopt again I could not bear the heart ache of the foster care system again.  I could not bear the process of another failed international adoption (or 4).  I wanted a baby.  I wanted a baby that when we adopted (what we thought was going to be a girl lol!) that s/he would be "ours."  A baby that we could bond with right away without the fear of losing him/her.  Without the emotional pain of dealing with the baggage of a child's pain from a "previous" life (boy were we in for much education that even adopting at birth a child brings plenty of "baggage!").  God was so good to lead us to an agency in Utah where the mother's relinquishment when the child is 24 hours old is FINAL.  Where birth fathers cannot come in and claim the child unless they can PROVE they were financially and emotionally supporting the mother during the pregnancy.  Many people complain about the Utah laws.  We do not.

I watched JJ be born.  I watched the heartache of his birth mom as she bore him and stared at him for 44 hours being courageous in her decision that my husband and I, virtual strangers, would  raise her son up the way that she wanted her son to be raised.  I heard her sweet words "this is your son" and watched her tears as she stood resolved in her decision.

Watched as Birth Mommy handed over the role "Mommy" to Forever Mommy.

When JJ was singing "Mommy" this morning, it was a reminder of how precious the gift of being known as "Mommy" is.  JJ clings to me.  He sees himself as an extension of me.  He knows that he can count on me.  He knows that I give him comfort, safety, enjoyment, consistency.  When I am not giving him what he wants he impatiently petitions my attentiveness.  He is not soothed by counterfeits.  He wants me.  Case closed.

But then, God opened that box a little bigger for me.

God wants to be my God, not my god.

Until I was saved, I thought of Him as my god.  I didn't really know who He was, what He was about, the depth of what He has done for me and mankind, the majesty of His creation and plan.  I hear so many people call on "god" in times of trouble, treating Him like a vending machine or "get out of trouble free" card.  I think of my own heartache when I am being "mommy" and not "Mommy."  What must a holy, mighty, awesome, majestic, omnipresent, omnipotent, loving, sacrificial, gracious, merciful, patient, kind God think when He, the Creator and giver of EVERYTHING is thought of as "god?"

Even after I KNOW who God is, I still demote Him to "god."  Today's lesson from Him was a good one for me.  A 2 year old knows that I am his Mommy.  Middles with more baggage have a hard time trusting me as Mommy.  Teenagers who have always had me, take for granted I am Mom and felt neglected when the last 4 kids came, thus demoting me to mom.  My heartbreak over these things as a very inept, incapable, inside the box, impatient, selfish, unmerciful, losing focus of the main thing  Mom (mom?) is nothing in comparison to what a pure and holy God has a right to feel as He looks at me and my choices.

Yet...He gives me grace and guides me back to Him, to Him as my God. I am undeserving.

I pray that I would always KNOW that He is my God, just as my 2 year old KNOWS that I am his Mommy! That, just like JJ, I would cling to God.  I would see myself as an extension of Him.  I would know that I know that I know I can count on Him.  That I would be confident that He will give me comfort, safety, joy, and consistency.  That I would impatiently petition His attentiveness (or more accurately that I would not turn from His attentiveness).  That I would NOT be soothed by or turn to counterfeits and demote Him to "god" again...

 

Thoughts on ADHD Conference: Part 2 Conceptualizing Attention Disorders

I have written and rewritten this post many times over the past 3ish weeks.  I am wanting to communicate this clearly as I believe it is so important to see how these two attention issues are fundamentally different - therefore treatment interventions going to be different (and hopefully frustration levels lowered too:).  I give more information on ADHD as that is what has more research, but hope that I have laid out the underlying differences in a way that helps to see them separate issues.  If I am unclear, please let me know and I will try to clarify:)

Dr. Russell Barkley has been studying ADHD for many years.  As stated in my last post you can check him out at www.adhdlectures.com or read his books.  He has compiled and conducted much research in the area of ADHD.  He shared that he believes that there are probably 7 different Attention Disorders that factor analysis shows in the research rather than just ADHD as we currently know it.  However, at this time only ADHD is recognized by the DSM team, and when the DSM-V (the diagnostic tool that psychologists use to diagnose mental health issues) comes out next year it will still just have ADHD as the only Attention Disorder.  There are various reasons for this that I will not bore you with, but they are essentially political.  However, just because a particular group of people have not stated that there is a disorder, it does not mean that the disorder does not exist;)  On the other hand, what really is a disorder?  Just a cluster of symptoms that a subset group of people have that  means that they are somehow doing something different than another subset group of people.  But...I digress...

Dr. Barkley spoke about how he believes that ADHD as currently understood is actually 2 different disorders.  As you may know, a person can get a diagnosis of ADHD and then specify if it is predominantly Hyperactivity/Impulse or predominantly Inattentive (or combined).  Dr. Barkley believes that the research shows that there is a disorder that manifests itself as Hyperactivity/Impulsivity and another disorder that looks like what we call Inattentive.  He says that it is important to distinguish between them because he says the underlying causes of what is going on with the person is very different, and therefore treatment implications are very different.  Again, people who have not studied Dr. Barkley's work will not know about these differences in conceptualization and there are no official differences in diagnosis as the current diagnostic system is set up (other than as stated above).  Therefore, the information I am giving you now, as I understand it from the conference from Dr. Barkley, is primarily to help you (and me!) conceptualize the problems that we see with these kiddos and how to help them be as successful as possible.

The crux of what Dr. Barkley said was, ADHD is an "Intention Deficit Disorder" whereas the other disorder that has been called in research "SCT" is "Concentration Disorder."  People talk about them as Executive Functioning Disorders - essentially the frontal lobe of the brain is the "computer" that takes all kinds of information, integrates it, makes a plan, and executes the plan (tells the rest of the brain to follow through).  Specifically with ADHD, the right frontal portion of the brain is not processing information effectively much like a person who has had an injury to that portion of the brain (although there are more parts of the brain than that which are affected in ADHD).  I will go into that in the next post...

I will attempt to discuss the differences between these the best way I can.  I very much agree that these distinctions are essential to understand and are crucial when discussing treatment implications and long term life planning.

ADHD: developmental delay in inhibition (they are very disinhibited)
SCT: developmental delay in concentration

ADHD: is an OUTPUT disorder - they have no problem with processing information
SCT: INPUT disorder - they are not inputting and processing incoming stimuli accurately

ADHD: the problem is with sustained attention, not necessarily what they are attending to
SCT: the problem is that they do not attend to the correct information (focused on the wrong details)

ADHD: friendships tend to be few and far between, they tend to be rejected by others due to, well, the way they act in relationship to others
SCT: tend to be overlooked and neglected in relationships.  They tend to not focus on the "right" information in relational interactions and thus don't "connect" well with others.

ADHD: very impulsive and hyper
SCT: tend to be slow moving/sluggish

ADHD:  Their behavior is hard to control and manage
SCT: The kids are very likeable, they just don't get things done

ADHD: it is a temporal disorganization (time management disorder)
SCT: Spatial disorganization (they can get it done but it is unorganized and often not right)

ADHD: a production disorder - they tend to not get things finished, but if they do it is done correctly
SCT:  Accuracy disorder - they get it done, but it is wrong (they are not attending to the right details)

ADHD: vast majority will respond to stimulant medication
SCT: less than 20% respond to stimulant medication

Other symptoms of ADHD (aside from constant moving and talking and the inability to control urges lol!!)

* Dr. Barkley shared that instead of thinking of ADHD as an attention problem, we need to think of it really as an INTENTION deficit disorder.  He says that these kids can filter information just fine (or pay attention to incoming stimuli), the problem is with how they see the future (their intention of what to do with that stimuli).

* There is an impairment with working memory (holding various pieces of information simultaneously and using that information to proceed logically).  It is not that they do not know the rules or they are unable to recall what they were supposed to be doing.  The kiddos can tell you what the rules are, but they sure aren't logically using them!

*ADHD show dis-inhibition in all areas of life, not just one or two areas or settings

*  The hyperactivity piece is about intention with incoming stimuli (so much stimulation, so little time to do something with it).  As an example of this, adults will not have the hyperactivity piece.  They report feeling "restless" and experience "anxiety."

*Their emotions are rational - they are intense, but they are rational.  This is unlike people with mood disorders (e.g. depression) who have emotions inconsistent with the reality of their lives. When you talk to ADHD people about why they feel a certain way, while they may be making a bigger deal out of something than they need to but it is still consistent with reality.

* They are UNABLE to persist in a task when there is not immediate gratification.  What takes them a long time to do when there is not immediate gratification can take a very short time when there is immediate gratification.  Outcome is highly variable and not consistent with the persons ability to understand what needs to be done, but rather with what is motivating them to complete the task. This was probably the most enlightening piece of information for me that has fundamentally changed the way I engage my child with ADHD.

* ADHD directly impacts a persons ability to handle delayed reinforcement (e.g. waiting for the reward).  It is not that the person is being lazy or oppositional (although that happens often with people with ADHD, it is a separate problem and not a symptom of ADHD per se) but rather that they cannot keep in their mind the concept of time long enough to work for something in the future.

* ADHD people tend to feel pretty good about their accomplishments.  They like to normalize their behavior and lives, but that is not a good assessment of their lives or accomplishments (they don't have much of a problem with "confidence.")

*  One often finds a readiness to learn, but there is a struggle with the actual ability to learn or the attention to stay on task to learn

*  over half by adolescence will be rebellious and antisocial (which is logical due to the impulse control and feeling like others don't understand them even though they believe themselves to not have problems).

*  unable to sub-vocalize.  Fancy way to say that they cannot think to themselves.  They talk...A LOT.  This is so evident with our daughter.  She talks non-stop.  We always giggle when when chooses to pray at meals because she gives God a blow by blow descriptive play of the day...as if He didn't know lol!  In just the past couple of months I am thrilled that we actually have certain times in the day where we can get to short periods of quiet!

*  these kids know the answers of how to act/what the rules are/what they should be doing.  They just do not follow through.  It is not that they are "inattentive" to the rules, don't know what they were told to do, didn't pick up on the instructions given, etc.  Therefore, simply telling them what to do will not help.


*social maturity is about 30% delayed

My next blog post will be on understanding Executive Function and how that impacts ADHD.  The one after that will be on Treatment Implications.  Again, if you find this information helpful, or if you don't find it helpful and want better/more information, please check out Dr. Barkley's lectures at www.adhdlectures.com .

Thoughts on ADHD Conference: Part 1 Statistics

In September I had the opportunity to see Russell Barkley, PhD speak about the current research and advancement of understanding ADHD.  He is the "guru" of ADHD and it was an honor to hear him.  I wanted to take some time to share my thoughts on his conference.  While I was there in a professional role, after raising Grace I filtered most of it through my "mom brain."  I had many different emotions at the conference.  I was thrilled that I felt like someone finally understood our journey with ADHD and validated that it is not "just bad parenting" and that it is very, very hard.  I was overwhelmed by the realities of the longevity of the situation and wondering how we can help her so she will thrive as an adult (and adolescent).  And I was encouraged by specific interventions that we can use to manage the situation.

Anyone can go to www.ADHDLectures.com and watch Dr. Barkley present his information.  His information is broken down into 1 - 2 hour lectures.  There are 5 for parents that include 1 on how to deal with ADHD in the classroom.   There is a cost (about $6 each) to watch the lectures that is minimal considering the information and help you can receive.  There is also a book written in layman's terms that I am finding to be excellent called Taking Charge of ADHD by Russell Barkley.  If you have a child with ADHD, think you do, or want to help understand someone else who has it, I highly recommend this book. 

Dr. Barkley presented a very different way to conceptualize ADHD than I had previously heard.  I will cover that in another post. Very importantly in my mind, he talked about how ADHD is the "diabetes of psychiatry."  There is no cure or fix.  There is only management.  The management will help with the symptoms only, but perhaps more importantly it will help to prevent more long term negative consequences.

Some statistics:

How do you get it:
ADHD is highly passed on genetically.  However, there are known ways to "acquire" ADHD (about 30+% of cases)

PRENATAL:
*There is a threshold of 10 cigarettes a day below which developing baby is not thought to acquire ADHD from nicotine/tobacco use.  Over that nicotine use increased the likelihood of ADHD by 2.5 times more likely than non-smoking mothers.

* There is NO SAFE THRESHOLD FOR ALCOHOL USE!!!

* premature birth - especially if a brain bleed  (45% are thought to develop ADHD)

* total increased pregnancy complications

*high phenylalanine levels in mom's blood (but not full PKU levels)

* high maternal anxiety in 2nd trimester (due to the hormone levels on the baby while developing)

GENETICS:
* two genes have been identified so far.  40 genetic sites have been located - all related to issues with dopamine (which is probably why stimulates work well as treatment).
* if a sibling has it, 25 - 25% likely of another sibling having it
* if an identical twin has it, 78 - 92% likely the other twin has it
* if parent has it, 40 - 54% of their children will have it (more likely if it is the father)

POST-NATAL (3 - 7%)
* head trauma
* certain seizures
* lead poisoning prior to age 3
* survival from acute lymphoblastic leukemia
* strep B infection
* elevated but sub threshold exposure to PKU related amino acid

Some more general stats on ADHD:
* 7-8% of kids are diagnosed with it and 4 - 5% of adults.
* one sees a 2.5x increase in seizures in kids who have it
* 1.5x more likely to be overweight if have it (impulse control issues)
* 39 - 56% have sleep problems
* more dental issues
* more coordination issues
* accident proneness - 1.5 - 4x greater risk for injuries, 3x greater for accident poisonings
* 2 - 3 x the medical costs of other kids - not counting the meds/mgmt of the ADHD itself
* pragmatic deficits in language disorders with 60%
* excessive speech, less logical, coherent, organized speech
* much difficulty with talking "to self"
* less able to understand rule-governed behavior
* IQ is an average of 7-10 points lower (probably due to the executive functioning that I will discuss later)
* 90% have poor school performance (reduced productivity and inattention are the biggest issues)
* learning disabilities in 24 - 70% depending on the study (with reading, spelling, math, handwriting, and comprehension).  These LD's are not due to the ADHD, but co exist with it and can improve with ADHD management.
* increased parent/child conflicts
* higher rates of parental divorce earlier in marriage
* since it is highly genetic, many parents also have it which leads to interesting dynamics

* significantly impacted peer relationships: more intrusive on others, verbally impulsive, more anger, more directive of others, less cooperative (wanting things done own way), reduced empathy, etc resulting in conflicts and often rejection by peers of the ADHD child.

Teens:
* 40% of ADHD kids are parents as teens
* 60% of ADHD girls get pregnant in high school
* 40% don't graduate
* 40% fail/repeat at least 1 class in school
* only 5-10% finish college as compared to 35% of non-ADHD students
* 5x more likely to attempt suicide if they think about suicide (less likely to talk self out of the thoughts as are more impulsive).
* much higher risk of car accidents (he even went so far as to suggest not letting 16 year old ADHD teens drive until more maturity is developed.  I am ALL about agreeing to that lol!)

*As adults: family stress, strained friendships, more limited educational success, legal difficulties (if engage in criminal behavior), excessive smoking/drinking/caffeine, accidents, job problems, financial problems (impulsive spending), problems in own marriage/parenting, and unhealthy lifestyles, increased risk of heart disease. 3x more likely to die by 45 years old.

Drug use (top 3 that are abused):
1st: nicotine.  The nicotine, oddly enough, will "treat" the ADHD as it is a stimulate, and thus unfortunately many people with ADHD symptoms use it to self-medicate
2nd: alcohol
3rd: marijuana       these are used not to self-medicate as it will actually make the symptoms worse.  However, people with ADHD often use them to help "forget" their problems

My next post on ADHD will be on Dr. Barkley's theory of ADHD, what he says the foundational issues are, and what he says Executive Functioning is that is most impaired in people with ADHD.

Reflections on the Ladies Retreat

Last weekend I attended the BOLD Conference and was deeply moved by Dr. Al Mohler and Tim Holland's deep understanding of theology and doctrine.  It was a very meaty conference and I have been thinking of it often this week.  All of the messages are free online at this link if you are interested in listening.  It was a pastors conference (I'm not a pastor, but was blessed to be able to go!)

This weekend was the Ladies Retreat.  The content was very different, but content that I am reflecting on none-the-less.  We watched Elyse Fitzpatrick DVD's that spoke on keeping the gospel central.  I have read several books by CJ Mahaney (such as Living the Cross Centered Life and Humility) as well as by Tim Keller that speak to this primary concept.  I have been striving to apply the concept of "preaching the gospel to myself daily" for the past several years.  I seem to do a better job of encouraging others to do it than I do myself:)

During the wrap up session I shared a bit about how I have been applying this concept over the years.  I think I did a poor job of it.  It seems I am a better communicator one on one or in writing:)  Anyway, what I wanted to communicate but did not do a good job of was how God has been stripping away my prideful areas via different routes over the past 6 years more poignantly than prior to that.  We had dear, dear friends who moved away the same month that Grace came and this journey of parenting a lot of kids, and difficult kids began (I believe that parenting has humbled me more than anything else to date!  Talk about learning that I have absolutely NO control over ANYTHING!! and that I have no rights to anything...like sleep, food, clean clothes, time alone in the bathroom, thinking a complete thought before an interruption, taking my next breath...etc).  These friends had been our mentors since we had come to know the Lord and were probably the most like-mined/like-passioned.  It was devastating to me for them to go.  However, God revealed to me during that time that I had made that relationship into an idol.  I sought my friend before I sought the Lord.  I used her as His mouth piece rather than sharpen my skills in listening to His still, small voice and developing a mature understanding of the scripture.  God, of course, did a GOOD thing by having her move so that I could draw nearer to Him.

Through the course of various experiences God has shown us our path and we have learned to seek and listen to Him first.  We continued our path of adoption and stood in awe at how He opened doors and brought our 4 youngest children to us (I am also in awe that he allowed us to have our 1st 2 kids so easily - I think he really wanted to lull us into a false sense of control before He revealed Himself...just to make sure the point really stuck lol!).  We have been so moved by our church family in supporting us.  We know that we are loved by them.  They rallied behind us when we were adopting from Liberia and prayed and supported us.  When the Lord closed that door without us bringing those 4 children home they continued to support us (Superman and Faith came at that time).  Our church family completely and totally welcomed Superman and Faith, loving on them and making them feel safe and included.  When we felt led to adopt again we did not feel it necessary to tell a lot of people.  We did not want to get people excited for something that may not happen (we learned our lesson with Liberia!!!).  We did tell our elders and they were very supportive.  When we got the call that JJ would be joining our family in a matter of days, we had an outpouring of support and love.  I have heard so many very sad stories of churches that do not support/include adopted children.  We are very aware of how blessed we are to be in this church family.

Yet, there are times during the past 6 years that we have felt loved...but lonely.  Times when people are excited for us as a family but not really sure how to love "us."  People may think us a bit odd as a home schooling family of 8 with 4 adopted kids but no one in our church family has ever said anything negative about it (at least to our faces lol!)  There have been times that people may not take the time to "really" ask us about "how" things are going.  However, we have strove to take this to the Cross and remember that Jesus always cares "how" things are going.  He is always listening.  He always has time for us.  The reality is that we have not been able to put a whole lot of energy into relationships during this season of life so why do I think that if I am not cultivating something that there should be a "harvest" so to speak.  Add to that that we do not do a good job at all of asking for help...what do we expect lol!  He has been teaching us that He is enough.  He is our best friend.  He is all we need.  He knows what and when we need it.  He is our Provider.  He is Sovereign.  He is powerful enough to move mountains.  My friend who left is consistently pointing me back to the Cross saying "He is our audience of One" and "this is not our home." 

One thing about our church family that I appreciate the most are the people who pray for us.  Who are we that we should be blessed to have others think of us to stand in the gap with our Heavenly Father?  I remember the first time a prayer warrior from our church said, "I pray for you by name every morning."  I started crying right there!  I know that our family has people who intercede for us and we never even know it.  We are so blessed to have a God who loves us enough to die on a cross for every one of our specific sins so that He would not have to spend an eternity without us with him!  Just as a bonus he threw in a wonderful church family who loves us patiently through this season of life as God strips our sin from us while we attempt to live faithfully for Him.

So, as you can tell if you follow my blog, I need LOTS of words to communicate what I mean, and lots of time to type and rethink if I have accurately communicated my heart.  I attempted to say something off the cuff with as few words as I could limit myself to and don't think I did it well.  I need to learn to just keep my mouth quiet and wait for time to type it out lol!

Choosing to be thankful today...

Today, well, actually the past several months (or even years) have been extra tough for our family.  We are getting hit from every possible direction with tough decisions that need to be made.  Work decisions, financial decisions, education decisions, friendship decisions, activity decisions, ministry decisions, extended family decisions, health decisions, caring for parents decisions, and having special needs kids decisions.  It seems like right now major decisions are needing to be made in every one of these areas (and more) and my head is swimming with a million questions of what the "right" thing is to do on too many fronts for me to keep straight.  We have had the rug pulled out from under our feet several times in the past 6 weeks in particularly making us have to stop what we thought was forward progress, rethink, and seek God's wisdom for what direction to move forward.  Who to trust?  What source to trust?  What happens when people you thought you could trust are found to be untrustworthy?  With Grace alone we have sooooo many issues/directions that we have to be intervening with that it makes it very hard to discern where to place efforts.  Each of the kids have such unique needs and I am feeling inept at getting them prepared for independent living and serving God someday...especially as our oldest is racing toward that stage of life...

I feel kind of like a juggler that is juggling at least 500 balls that I can label and they are all hitting me in the head.  Feeling this overwhelmed is making me a little philosophical...what if I just had one really, really huge ball to deal with, like a terminal disease or a child dying?  Would that be better?  No way!  I keep telling myself "put one foot in front of the other."  "Just keep swimming"  (while I really dislike Ellen D. I do love the idea (and the song) of "just keep swimming;).  "This too shall pass."  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  "Nothing is impossible with God."  "Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds for the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work in you that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything."  and "Blessed be the man who perseveres under trial for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him."  I am focusing on the two priorities that Jesus set 1) Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength (and teach the kids to do the same), and 2) love your neighbor as yourself.  Right now I am having to pull in and consider my "neighbor" my children and keep hunkered down.  Mostly I am focusing on the character of God, keeping Him my audience of One, the shortness of this life, and that this is not my home.

What I try to do when overwhelmed is step back and see the big picture.  Things are always worse when they are in a microscope.  So, I have had some things today that I am choosing to be thankful for and realizing that no decisions need to be made today (including my impulsive urge to fly to Tahiti lol!)

Some things that made me laugh today:
When JJ woke up this morning we heard for 30 minutes, "where's Daddy?"  JJ loves his Daddy so much and we are so blessed to have a Daddy who is home so much for his kids! 

JJ is starting to like food, and he calls all food either "pizza" or "apple."  JJ brings me MUCH joy and laughter.  He is a card!

Faith went to blow her nose today and sat on what she thought was the lid of the toilet to do it...but someone had not put the lid down...  I felt sorry for laughing but it really was very funny!

Some things that I was thankful for today:
When I went through the science lesson with the kids today on scientific method..I think they got it!

Faith finished her 1st grade spelling!  I am so excited for her diligence and love to learn:)

Superman is reading...really, really well!!!  I thought for 2 years that he had dyslexia.  I am SOO thankful that he does not and he is making progress.  This is soo huge for us:)

Grace did well in occupational therapy today.  She is now working on eating issues (as the messiest eater ever!)  She gets to eat in front of a mirror to watch herself eating carefully:)

Buddy has passed 2 levels out of 3 in Myofunctional therapy!  He also gets to eat in front of a mirror to make sure he is swallowing his food properly.  We are a couple of months from being done!

Superman did not  graduate out of PT today, but I am thankful for a therapist who is understanding his issues and beginning to see more of what we were telling her his issues are...since they are subtle.

Thankful that we could trust Beautiful to watch some of the kids today so my husband and I could go to PT/OT together so he can see why/what we are doing with the kids and help me with interventions.

I'm thankful for a husband who is willing to try to build some contraptions to help Grace more.

I am thankful for a house that is comfortable for us all (although I saw some pictures of a house recently and unfortunately had some covetousness about wanting to move to a nicer home - then I remembered who would be living there with me and said, "bad idea!!!")

I am thankful that my mother in law made it through her amputation surgery today only having to have 2 toes amputated when it was discussed during the past week about possibly having to amputate up to below her knee.  I am thankful that my husband is a man who wants to love and honor his mother by being there and supporting her through all of this.  That means that he is a man who will never leave my side either:)

I am thankful for a friend to who called to go for a walk just to get to talk:)

I am thankful for the Body of Christ, some of whom provided us with a delicious meal tonight...just because they thought we could use it today:)


I know we are not called to "easy."  We are not even called to "comfortable."  I am warring against my flesh and need to keep reminding myself that no matter how many decisions we have to get made about things, our Father already knows all of the answers and all of the outcomes.  I so much want to be a Faithful Servant with all that He has given to me, but days like today make me feel like no matter what I do it doesn't matter.  You know what?  That is true and I should find peace in that!!!

JJ Update: He is doing great!

I have not updated on JJ in awhile.  He has been doing so well I thought it was time to update:)  As you can see he and his big sister have a blast together.  They like hanging out, laughing, and wrestling.  Well, JJ like to wrestle with EVERYONE!  He also likes "football" so not only will tackle us all of the time but throws things frequently...not something we are particularly excited about lol!

Throughout JJ's life we have had 3 primary goals:
1) get him to breath normally
2) get him to eat and gain weight
3) get him to sleep better

Well...
Breathing:  why is he better?  Remember back when we went to Mazatlan, Mexico in Feb 2012?  We found out that he breathed perfectly.  We came home, bought a very expensive air purifier, and found that it improved his breathing as long as he did not leave the house:)  Last year we were unable to take him outside at all - if we did he needed a nebulizer treatment.  This year...not a single nebulizer treatment!  Remember when we did that funky and weird allergy intervention weird thing?  Well, that seems to be the only intervention that is consistently different (the air purifier helps inside but would not account for him being able to be outside).  We wondered if because we are in such a drought if it was just the absence of molds from wetness.  However, when we went to MN, which has had plenty of rain and wetness this year and it rained while we were there, he did not have any problems at all.  In Aug/Sept when my husband and oldest son started having some fall allergy issues, JJ did not!  Faith also had these treatments.  She also has not needed any nebulizer treatments although she is having some congestion this fall.

Eating/Drinking:
JJ has made it to 28 lbs, which is the 50th percentile!  He has never been above the 10th percentile so we are thrilled!  The first 18 months of his life he gained weight one month and lost weight the next.  Makes for slow progress.  In the past 6 months he only lost weight once!  He is also in the 25th percentile for height:)  His mom is 5'5" and his dad is 5'10" so we don't expect him to be a super tall guy...but that is the same height of my husband and I and our oldest is pushing 6 foot and her brother is close behind lol!

JJ is a very, very picky eater.  We have not really cared what he eats as long has he eats.  JJ has considered a "meal" to be 2 - 3 bites of a food.  Even at that, he has required that my husband or I eat the food first (kind of like a food tester for a king lol!).  He has preferred to sit on our lap and just sample a bit of what we are eating (thankfully in the past 2 weeks he is now insisting on being in his highchair- yay!!)  He likes foods like rice, raw tomatoes, cranberry juice, sliced ham/turkey, and grape nuts.  He is an odd duck.  He does NOT like breads.  It is very funny that now that he is starting to talk, when he is hungry his word for "food" is "pizza."  As that food is a family favorite (although not for JJ) he is used to hearing the word so uses it for all food lol!  Some people may think that we are not doing a good job of requiring him to eat/try all foods, etc.  Well, after almost two years of this kid not gaining weight we were willing to have a picky eater...if just to have an eater!

Another oddity of JJ is that he really does not like sippy cups...at all.  He wants a bottle and it must be of milk.  It has been pretty recent that he will drink anything other than milk, and that is only cranberry juice.  Even at that he drinks maybe an once or two.  We keep his bottles filled in the fridge so he can just go and get them at will (just like another kid having their sippy cup always available).  He has learned that he drinks two bottles at a shot now so will just grab two from the fridge and go double fisted:)  He will drink from a straw so we are trying to transition with that.  This is a new problem for me as my babies all went from nursing to the cup at 11 months with no bottle.  Even Grace, who was exclusively bottle fed obviously, gave up her bottle very easily.  We are learning that even though he is the 6th kid, there are many, many firsts!!  Thinking of weaning him from the bottle makes me worry that he will lose weight again so we are just holding off...  We spend $100 a month on raw milk for our family and much of it goes to JJ.  It must be working as he is gaining weight and he wets through his diaper almost every night - we are SO HAPPY about this!!

Sleeping:
In the past 2 months JJ has been sleeping better with most nights him sleeping most of the night.  In the past 3 weeks this has improved to him sleeping all the way through the night 6 of 7 nights a week!  He has also never been a napper - he may fall asleep in our arms at some point in the day (usually way to late in the day)...or not.  Most days he never napped.  He fell asleep sometime around midnight and woke late morning (after being up with us several times in the night for comfort).  In the past 3 weeks he consistently goes to sleep 2:30ish and takes a 2 - 3 hour nap.  He still doesn't go to sleep until midnight but wakes between 8:30 and 9:30 a.m.  What has not changed is that we still have to put him to sleep.  We lay on the bed with him and he drinks his bottle, hangs onto us, and falls asleep.  Oddly enough he will fall asleep within 15 minutes for his nap but at bedtime it usually takes an hour...

Embarrassing Quirk:
Probably JJ's most embarrassing quirk is his attachment object.  I think I have made it pretty clear that he prefers to be held, cuddled, not put down, not be left alone, and always in the company of my husband or I.  Well, other than his pacifier he has never attached to an "object" other than us.  In the TBRI training this was a key part of attachment and bonding.  I nursed JJ until he was 16 months old.  He was not excited about being weaned.  Before that, he would hang onto my shirt collar when nursing or falling asleep.  Once weaned he decided that did not give enough guarantee of my closeness so went for my...bra strap.  Yes, the child prefers my shoulder bra strap over a blanket, stuffed animal, or any other object. There are times where I can distract him, but he continues to be a very fearful child so when in public, and thus afraid, he goes for the attachment object...Yes, the embarrassing things we as parents put up with to give our children security lol!  I am currently trying to put a rubber hair band around my shoulder outside of my shirt to get him to hang onto that.  He is not very interested. So, I continue to put him to sleep at bedtime and nap time (he will let my husband put him down for nap but not bedtime) as I am the one with the bra strap.  Gotta feel loved lol!  Again, at this point we are just so happy that he is consistently going to sleep that we are not going to rock any boat.  He has no ability to self-sooth at all.  This will be something we will need to get figured out.

Going to others:
Another huge praise has been his willingness, well, not willingness but tolerance is probably a better word, for going to nursery and Sunday School.  I am so thankful for his Sunday School teachers that told me I could just leave and let him cry.  He remains pretty stand offish but at least he is going and not screaming the entire time:)  Nursery is a bit different in that there are different caregivers every week.  We had Faith stay in there with him 4 times.  Now he goes, unhappily, but goes.  Today when I handed him over to the caregiver (a sweet friend of mine) he clung to her and put his head on her shoulder.  I was thrilled he was accepting comfort from someone else!  There is also a man at church who has taken JJ under his wing and JJ will go to at times.  Good things!

Talking:
Finally, JJ is beginning to talk.  He doesn't have a large expressive vocabulary to use words to name things.  Yet, he is able to get his point across well to us between sign language and words.  He mimics almost everything that we say.  He will point to things and get them if we ask - showing he is doing well with receptive language.

JJ is, after 25 months, finally starting to make consistent gains.  He is an absolutely adorable child and I adore him.  His smiles, his laughter, and his boyish sillyness keep our family in stitches.  We have a few rough edges to work out like him throwing things, "talking" over us when we are trying to talk (essentially yelling "words" while we are talking to be sure he is the center of attention, and hitting when angry.   Oh, and thinking of potty training at some time...in the future...distant future lol!

Occupational Therapy Update:)

I am pleasantly surprised that the occupational therapy interventions with Grace are producing pleasing results.  In the previous post (the one with all of the bunny trails that is really, really long and no one probably read to the end) I wrote about some of the specific interventions we are to be using with Grace. This post will be about what we are seeing.

ADHD and sensory issues are such multi faceted issues.  Even though I had read about and had training regarding ADHD I still did not know enough about it until I got to deal with it day in and day out.  In 7 days I get to attend a day long training for Psychologists by the world renowned expert on ADHD.  I am curious how it will go:)

For so long the primary issue with Grace was hyperactivity.  For years we just tried to calm her down enough that she would not be hurting herself or others.  We tried all kinds of interventions and finally used Ritalin.  We did get effects from other interventions but the Ritalin finally slowed her down to manageable levels:)  We did an increase one time, but with dietary and nutritional changes we were able to reduce it again.

At that time, once she was a bit slowed down, we noticed how bad the concentration problems were.  She was in Kindergarten and her lack of ability to attend to the lessons was causing her to really lag behind.  We were happy to keep her from hurting herself, others, or wrecking something - forget about math facts and reading!  In the spring we switched her to a different medication, Vyvanse.  That medication, administered below the recommended start dose, helped to control both her hyperactivity and poor concentration.  She made significant strides in school over the summer.

The 3rd issue we have with her is impulsivity.  She never stops talking, loudly, without listening for answers.  She is seeing something interesting and running for it without regard to it potentially being dangerous or belonging to someone else.  She is ever seeking to pin blame on others and not be found at fault herself.  We found that this also improved with the medication change.  Today we tried a no-med day to see how much of the improvement is from the meds and how much from the occupational therapy (OT).  The main problem from the day was impulsivity again.  Constant talking and inability to respect others' boundaries led to many sibling conflicts that we have enjoyed not dealing with as frequently (as in, a good day is perhaps 1 - 2 conflicts an hour).

Those issues are primarily dealt with by the medication.  So, you ask, what else is there that the OT could even help?  The mornings and bedtime have been the worst times for Grace.  She wakes up at the crack of dawn, wakes up her sister who needs more sleep, wakes up the house, and essentially bounces around like Tigger creating chaos before people can even open their eyes.  Bedtime usually involves at least 30 minutes of out of control screaming, if not longer, that means that no one else can be going to bed.  She doesn't stay in her room (much less her bed) and is verbally and physically out of control.  90% of the time we have to remove her sister and have her sleep in her brother's room (in JJ's bed, which means that JJ is still in out bedroom).  Her waking and going to sleep have come to be the most dreaded part of my day. 

Grace potty trained very quickly at 21 months (I am glad that was easy lol!)  She loves to go to the bathroom...and wash her hands.  We only use bar soap (which is healthier anyway:) as she will go through a pump bottle in a day.  She is forever playing in dirt, sand, water, anything messy.  She spins and spins and spins - preferably upside down.  She sits upside down during meals - hitting her head on the table for added drama when told to sit up.  Superman has to be placed between Grace and Faith at the table and in the van as he is able to defend Faith better.  She picks the drywall mud off of the wall.  She is the messiest eater alive as she plays in her food rather than eat it.  When told no, well, we say it to her countless times a day but it is almost always a battle.  She is smart and uses it to be sneaky.  If she sees it, she wants it and she goes for it.

Occupational therapy has reduced most of these issues!  She is sleeping at night without screaming!  Faith actually gets to sleep in her own bed, and Grace is VERY CAREFUL about not waking her in the morning when she gets up.  Just so you really get the effect, I said that Grace was CAREFUL!  We have only had to removed Faith from the room 2x in 3 weeks and this was not due to screaming!  Grace has always been very fearful of the dark (or, more realistically, she wants the closet light on so she can play with her toys since it takes her awhile to wind down and fall asleep).  This has hindered Faith from falling asleep as well.  Last week Grace announced to us that she wanted the closet light off and has done this successfully!  She has a long history of nightmares, and has only had one in the past 3 weeks!  Then, when she came to us she came QUIETLY so as not to wake JJ (it used to be that she would charge into our room numerous times during the night as loud as she could be - she now seems to understand quiet) and was quickly calmed and able to go back to her bed.  It is quite amazing! 

In my mind I am trying to categorize and conceptualize what is really going on with her.  We have nutritional issues with digestion that we are still in the process of correcting.  We have a ton of food allergies - that we are dealing with nutritionally and via diet.  We have ADHD (hyperactivity, concentration, and impulsivity) that has been adequately controlled with medication at a minimal dose and very watchful eyes of my husband and I who try to ward off any "dangerous" triggers.  And now the issues that I thought were part of ADHD that seem to be sensory processing issues are being addressed with the OT.

I am so thankful for being able to wake with the sun and not a child screaming or jostling me or slamming doors or running all over the house waking everyone else.  I am SOOOOO thankful for bedtimes that do not include out of control screaming.  I am so thankful that the girls are sleeping well in their room...and maybe we can have JJ in he and Superman's room...perhaps by the time he is 3?  I am so thankful that there are fewer injuries to siblings from her impulsiveness.  I am so thankful for calmer days where she is not nearly as impulsive spiraling out of control where the only intervention is to have her scream in her room until she exhausts herself before we can reengage her.  Now she is better communicating to us and having a more quiet spirit.  She really likes the interventions (like brushing, being wrapped tightly in a blanket and rolled on a big ball, etc) and will ask for them when she is feeling out of sorts.  I dare say that life, at least as far as she is concerned is a bit calmer and..quieter!  I know we are only 3 1/2 weeks into the interventions (messy eating issues are next!!!) and we have months and months ahead of us.  But, we sure are enjoying what we are seeing so far:)

Broken...

There is a point where a person is so broken they have no words.  They can only sit and cry.  There is a point where they have no plan, they can only cling to the love and perfect plan of the Father.  There is a point where they isolate themselves and feel so alone they seek out only those tried and true friends.  There is a point where they second guess every decision in their life and question what is even right any more. 

So thankful for tried and true friends.  So thankful for prayer of others.  So thankful for Jesus who is never surprised, never walks away, never gives up, and never changes.  So thankful for His power, sovereignty, perfect plan, and perfect timing to work out ALL things for the good of those who love Him.  Clinging to His truth and trying to love as He loves.  Reminding myself that with humility comes pruning.

Deeply reminded that we have no control.  None.  Not an ounce.  Thankfully, God is good, all of the time.  All of the time, God is good.  And He has ALL of the control...

Occupational Therapy: how it applies to our family and a few bunny trails:)

I am writing this post not to bore you with details of our lives, but to encourage those out there who may be dealing with similar issues and looking for some options.  I did not know of the benefits of OT and wish we could have started this several years ago... 

I have come to understand and accept that most people do not understand most other people.  There are so many issues in this fallen world and we just don't have the time to get to intimately know all of the ins and outs of everything.  Unfortunately that usually breeds distrust and misunderstandings of those things which we do not understand.  It has been a painful journey for me to know that people do not agree with much of what we believe in and do, but we continue to forge ahead.  When we first started the adoption process we were trying to adopt from Liberia, West Africa.  Most of the people adopting from our agency at that time were on the same closed group.  We encouraged and supported and prayed for one another.  It was a precious connection.  When we were not able to bring any of our 4 kids home from Liberia, and other things happened we no longer were on that group.  I desperately missed the connection.  Foster care (3 of our adoptions) does not promote strong connections between foster parents and the foster parents themselves vary so much that connection is difficult.  I have joined several yahoo groups specific to our kids' needs such as one on home schooling adopted kids, trouble with reading, dyslexia, etc.  I was very excited (although also saddened) to be asked to be on a new group of the same women I had connected with 6-7 years ago who are now, unfortunately, dealing with all of the struggles of parenting adopted children.  The struggles are many.  Adoption is still VERY worth it.  However, adoptive parents NEED support (and NOT to be told, "well, you chose this") and this is a way for us to get support.  I appreciate fb and technology that even though there may not be people geographically near us to support us, we are able to receive support from around the world:)  People who are looking into adopting need to know what they are about to experience.

Via one of these groups one the mom's started talking about some of the issues that I see with Grace in particular.  (I don't wish to not include dad's, it is just usually mom's who are doing the leg work and seeking connection/relationships for support lol!)  That confirmed what I had learned last fall from Karyn Purvis, PhD and TBRI (yes, I know I promised a year ago to start blogging about what I have learned.  I promise that I will blog about it, I have the posts running around my brain, I just have not done it) that all kids who come from trauma need to have full educational, OT, and PT evaluations to assess their needs and strengths.  I am tired of the people who tell me that if we just disciplined more we would have better results.  I am tired of the people who say we don't discipline enough.  I am tired of people not understanding.  I am thankful for the One who always understands:)  It is so, so much bigger than just discipline! So armed with new hope I took Superman and Grace in to pediatric OT and PT therapists for evaluations. (Bunny Trail: medications have helped, the allergy testing/treatment/weird stuff has helped, the nutritional stuff has helped, different disciplines have helped, TBRI has helped...I think that each of those issues are just dealing with a different part of the elephant and this is another part of the elephant).

I had always thought that Occupational Therapy was what people did when they had a stroke or a accident and needed help with some type of fine muscle skill, and that PT was about gross motor skills.  I was wrong!
Both of the kids sailed through their general OT evals.  Grace did very well on her PT eval. Superman came back with some PT areas to work on - primarily core muscle issues that contribute to his "floppiness" and lack of endurance.  Grace, however, was found to have many sensory issues that can be helped through Occupational Therapy.

Permit me another bunny trail/soap box.  One thing that the vast majority of people do not understand is the utter vital role of prenatal health.  People will constantly tell us "Grace came to you at 4 months though, right?" as if getting her so early, or getting JJ at birth for that matter, somehow means that since we have had them all of their lives and have been responsible for their "nurture"  we are at fault somehow for their issues or that we are making their issues out to be bigger than they are.  Prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol are not the only prenatal elements that can negatively impact a child.  What the mother eats (or fails to eat), antibiotics that she takes, a normal and stress free pregnancy but a traumatic delivery/NICU, and cortisol levels from her stress levels can all have the SAME IMPACT AS DRUGS AND ALCOHOL on the developing baby.  Just take a moment to let that sink in!  It is a wonder to me that any baby turns out ok!  Only by the grace of God!  The impact is neurological one.  Many times it is permanent or at least requires intervention.  Three of our kids have prenatal exposure to drugs/alcohol.  The effects are very different in each child.  Then we have JJ who has no known drug/alcohol exposure but born to a mom who was very sick vomiting most of the time, did not gain much weight, had very poor nutrition, and had stress levels THROUGH THE ROOF getting pregnant with a 6 week old baby at home, no help from the birth father, a family who was condemning her, and, well, her lifestyle isn't great. Neurological insults abound.  And sensory issues are neurological.

OK, back on track.  Grace's issues are sensory.  Essentially she it utterly over stimulated by visual and auditory sensory feedback.  Isn't that the core of ADHD symptoms lol!  Conversely, she is totally under-stimulated in the areas of tactile, proprioceptive (deep muscle pressure), and vestibular (balance/inner ear) stimuli.  The under and over stimulation war against each other in her brain where it doesn't know what to be processing.  Also, when she is overstimulated in one area, she will gravitate toward trying to stimulate the other areas.

In practical terms, the ways that I have seen this are:

Auditory: Grace will cover her ears and not like sounds.  When she is in an area with many sounds she cannot discern what she is supposed to pay attention to.

Visual: again, when she is in an area with lots of visual stimulation she misses the forest for the trees so to speak. She is forever noticing what everyone else is doing rather than what she is supposed to be focused on.

Tactile:  Grace is the messiest eater EVER!  She is the messiest everything always!  She is always washing her hands and playing in water until her hands crack and bleed all of the time.  She is always chewing her hands, hair, etc.  She digs out the sheet rock mud from on top of the screws on her bedroom wall with her bare fingers.  She has ripped all of the wall paper border off of her walls, again with her bare fingers.  She is forever dirty playing in sand, digging in dirt, pulling apart anything she can find. She wants to fully feel and physically experience everything.  No personal boundaries?  Craves physical touch/tactile stimulation to connect.  She has a bed so full of toys that I cannot imagine how she sleeps!  She needs the "feel" of them and their textures.

Proprioceptive:  When grace is getting overstimulated she will stomp her feet or walk as if flat footed so it seems like she is stomping her feet.  The OT explained that kids like her have a strong need for keep joint/muscle compression so while she "knows" how to walk heel/toe stomping flat footed will give her sensory input that is soothing to her.  She is not just doing it to be rebellious.  I was worried she was going to blow out her knees!

Vestibular: another huge one for Grace.  When overstimulated Grace will spin in circles a lot (remember her first black eye??!), hang upside down off the couch/ottoman (2nd story railing of my parents deck), and swing/rock.  She much prefers circles to back and forth.  Again, when visual and auditory are too stimulated she will go to the 3 areas that are understimulated to self-soothe.

Whew!  We had the week of vacation between the eval and the first appt so I had a chance to just sit back and watch her behavior.  Putting a different framework on the "why" of what she was doing was so helpful! I was able to have hope that one day it will be better:)  The problem was that I still didn't have any tools to make it better as vacation is VERY stimulating lol!

Interventions we are starting:
First, I am to really think about all of her environment and her responses in terms of the 5 categories of stimulation that we are dealing with.  Second, I have been asked to do, as interventions, things with Grace that we have totally, totally, totally removed from our lifestyle due to the issues she has.  For example, can you IMAGINE her with PAINT!  eeee gads!!!  Ok, but I can do this...

Visual: we are to get a lava lamp, bubble maker, or fiber optic tree/something to give her something to look at that is visually stimulating but in a calming, methodical, and structured manner.  Meaning, it will keep her attention but keep her calm.  We are to have a place for her to go in the house that is visually calm.

Auditory: unfortunately there is not much that can be done for this sense other than graded exposure until she is able to handle it - and the use of headphone/earplugs.

Tactile:  this is the one that scares me the most.  We are to give her lots of controlled sensory input.  Playing in rice (beading string but she had to pull the beads out of rice to give her the tactile stimulation), painting (again, imagine me physically cringing!), playing in sand (same cringe!), fidget toys, play doh (arrrgggg!  the mess!), squeezing clothespins, sorting items that she finds in a bucket of beans, etc.  This one will take the most creativity and patience from me.  I was also horrified that I have been removing the very things that she has so desperately needed because of the huge messes that she makes (do you remember just for a moment what our bars of soap look like lol!)  Sugar free candy for oral stimulation.

Proprioceptive: We are to get a bean bag and have her lay in it, enveloped by it, with a heavy blanket over it.  Rolling over the top of a big bouncy ball (the kind you sit on), pushing against walls, sweeping, carrying  various heavier items, stretching, etc.  Anything that will give deep muscle stimulation/joint compression.  Wheelbarrow, bear crawling, jumping jacks, etc.

Vestibular: swinging, rocking, listening to/feeling drum heavy music (African or native American) where she can feel the beat.

Finally, we learned the Wilbarger brushing technique.  Karyn Purvis, PhD talked about this one a lot.  It is a mixture of brushing her skin with a soft brush alternating with keep joint compression.  Grace LOVES it, it relaxes her, and she gets to do this every TWO hours.

We have a schedule of what to do every 2 hours with her.  Even though this is a time commitment it will hopefully take up less time than the hours of screaming we get when she is overstimulated.  These techniques are supposed to help to sooth over stimulation and stimulate what is under stimulated so that she can regulate better.  We are ALL ABOUT having a better regulated Grace!!

I know this post is very long, for those of you who have read it to the end I hope it has been helpful:)  Feel free to ask me any questions that you may have about this, or you just read The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis, PhD or The Out of Sync Child by an author I can't remember right now:)