I started this blog post half way through our 10 days with Grace and 10 days after Faith had come home for good. At that time I felt like "rocky and tense" - were probably the best words to sum up how it was going. I didn't post then because I didn't want it to be about complaining:)
However, in writing this post, I processed/learned some things about myself and my kids, and things got better. This is why I journal and blog - to grow and offer it in case someone else needs to hear it too:)
So, here is the longer answer of how I thought about the situation, was able to regain perspective, and got through the rest of the visit.
First of all, Faith is doing great. We have had a couple of hiccups which really are just us getting to know each other again. She actually TALKS to us through said hiccups so we can get to a resolution. Who would have thought? lol! There are times that I have had a knee jerk reaction to her as if it is like 10+ months ago. Then I remind myself of how she has proven she is not who she was, and I challenge my thinking and therefore my response to her. I am working really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt and she has done nothing to make us doubt her. She is joyful, talkative, engaging, helpful, speaks up if she doesn't understand, is sharing her feelings, and in general is a pleasure to be around:) The most delightful change? She INITIATES a hug and prayer every night! That and when the boys talk back to us she sternly says, "just say 'yes Mom!'" lol!
The other day I walked into the living room and found her reading my bound books of previous blog posts from when the kids first came. She talked about how it was interesting to see it from my perspective - mostly about how I think about things differently than she does. I told her it was a dangerous thing to get caught up in my mind lol!
As for how Grace did...that is harder to articulate. At the beginning of the week she was mostly quiet. Then she got comfortable and... emotionally dysregulated. I worked through 2 significant ideas as I analyzed what was going on with both her and I during that time.
First: When I work with adults about stress management/emotional regulation I use a "coffee pot" analogy. When I work with kids I call it a lemonade pitcher or milk jug:)
Say a milk jug can hold 10 cups of milk. When it pours out into glasses it empties. Eventually it is empty and has to be refilled.
Think of yourself as the milk jug. Think of the milk as "mental and physical capacity" and you are pouring it out all day long into kids, work, household, husband, hobbies, friends, projects, or whatever. On top of that you may have pain, depression, anxiety, etc that keeps you from filling all the way up (like there is a hole in the jug at cup 6, 8, etc) so you have to fill more frequently/be more intentional. We need to have self-awareness to know what fills us up and what empties us AND keep monitoring it throughout the day so we don't get to 0. The obvious things that fill us up are sleep, healthy food, hydration, exercise, connection, hobbies, etc. Each person is unique with what else fills them up, and what empties them. For example, being around people empties me quickly. For others, being around people is what fills them up. For me reading fills me up, for my husband it puts him to sleep with boredom lol!
I realized half way through the week with Grace that she has no capacity to "hold" any sizeable amount of milk. She is a milk jug with a hole in the bottom. The moment that the milk is being poured into her she revels in it. As soon as the pouring stops she is empty again. I knew this before.
But, the new part I finally realized was that in addition to this she takes no responsibility for filling herself up (I am not sure she knows how to fill herself). She fully expects people around her to fill her up. And, given that I fell back into old perspectives/expectations when she came home, I held myself to the expectation that I was to fill her and keep her filled. Guess how well that went?
A significant part of parenting is self-awareness in how we respond to our children and why we respond the way that we do.
Short bunny trail that I promise (well, I think so anyway) will make sense in a minute- Beautiful is a big fan of the Enneagram personality quiz. She got me to take the quiz which I have done a few times. Usually I score a 1. Beautiful tells me that I am a typical 1. Go figure lol!
As Beautiful describes it, 1's tend to strive to be 7's on good days and when overwhelmed revert to 4's. So, in as layman's terms as I can understand. I want everything orderly and perfect and structured (anyone who knows me think that is wrong? lol!). When I try to get outside of my comfort zone and do special things I attempt to be "adventurous and spontaneous and fun." But then I get overwhelmed and get a bit...moody? emotional? dysregulated? Which is exactly the opposite of "orderly, perfect, and structured lol!
I was considering this idea during the visit as I felt myself becoming dysregulated. When I get dysregulated I retreat into myself (well, into a book. A purely fiction, never would happen in reality, always a happy ending, book). But, I couldn't do that because - transition and visit...
During quarantine I had found a bit of a balance of my "capacity." Really, I was working way too much and all of my energy was going to work - the boys at home didn't really care because they are busy with their own things (and can fill themselves up without any help from me at all thank you very much). But, enter my daughters this week? Totally upended my "balance." I was pouring out way more than I had coming in for 2 reasons:
The first one was my fault: because to fill back up I need quiet and alone time and it makes me feel guilty to not be "entertaining" the girls (particularly Grace). I held the ridiculous expectation that I was to be an adventurous "7" and make our Christmas visit the most delightful days of our whole lives (well, not quite that unicorn and rainbowy but you get the unrealistic picture)...
And secondly, Grace can't fill herself up or hold any milk.
For example, one night after I had engaged in fun and filling activities with her all day, Grace dysregulated and said that I didn't love her, didn't want her around, how can anyone love her when she has messed up as much as she has, she doesn't deserve another chance, and she doesn't belong. That made me feel like I was pouring myself out for what purpose? All that is poured into her is for the moment and she can't hold any of it over for the next 30 minutes. It.is.so.exhausting. In the past she would self-sabotage at that time. So I tried, for the manyith time, to explain about her not holding any milk. She finally seemed to hear some of this. But this time I added that she needs to learn how to fill herself up. Then I put her in charge of that for the rest of the visit. That took off the unrealistic pressure that I had to entertain her the entire time. So when she would dysregulate, I would suggest to her that she was empty and ask her to think of things to fill herself up. We had several fun projects going throughout the week like putting a puzzle together, etc for her to chose from. That allowed her to take some ownership in her own happiness.
Christmas Day we had 14 people in the house so I was pouring out into many people and she got less individual attention and then she dysregulated. Of course that resulted in us needing to stop everything for an hour and work her though it, but she did not spiral into the old behaviors. So, this visit gave us hope that she has made progress, but was also a reminder that she continues to be exactly where she needs to be. It also helped me learn some new facets of myself. Win/win:)
