JJ Update: Misc and Apraxia Oct/Nov/Dec

Three months with no update on JJ...there is so much to tell!

JJ is showing huge improvements in so many areas. It is exciting to watch.

1.  Word Retrieval: I have learned that JJ's issue is not a struggle to learn, per say, but in retrieving appropriate words. He has learned all of his colors with 99% accuracy. Sometimes he messes up yellow. Now we are working on those difficult shades of colors when, depending on who you ask, it may be yellow...or it may be orange;)  We have moved onto shapes...he is getting it:)

I would say that, given enough time, he is able to retrieve the words he is looking for about 80% of the time now. The rest of the time he is now readily willing to ask "what is that again?" or "what is that I eat again?"  Sometimes after he asks the question he is able to answer himself before we figure out it:)  I try to find a pattern in the words he can't retrieve but there doesn't seem to be a pattern to it. One would think that it would be more novel or less used words, but sometimes it is words that he uses often (like cheerios). He will still ask "What I eat tomorrow?" which means "what did I eat yesterday that I liked?"  Sometimes he will ask "what I eat last time?"  Of course that is a very open question and we have to use context and him pointing to it, saying who he ate it with, where he ate it at, etc for us to figure out what the food was.

An example is that he loves corn dogs. He, however, cannot seem to remember the word "corn dog." So, he will ask "can I have one of those hot dogs with the stuff on it?" We always respond with "A corn dog?" to be sure that he gets feedback on what the word really is, but he can never retrieve it correctly. One of these days it will come:)

1a. Letter Retrieval: In October we started intentional home school preschool with him. In two months he can now identify A, B, C, and D (He still calls /e/ /a/ which tells me he knows the letter but can't articulate it correctly yet). We are soooo happy! Rather than teaching him the names of the letters, we are just teaching him the sounds for now. We have been told that will create less confusion for him as he tries to learn/retrieve only one piece of information for each letter (except vowels. We will deal with that later;)

2.  Pattern Recognition: Boy or boy is this kid good with patterns. He may not be able to retrieve the word to tell me what comes next (e.g. circle, etc) but he can show me. I think it comes from all of the video games and Kindle/Ipad apps that the kid plays with (although that is a "chicken and egg" question - maybe he is good at those because he is good at patterns?). He can't read but he knows exactly what button to push/swipe to get anything to happen. He is leaps and bounds beyond me in understanding those things.

2.  Frustration Tolerance: With his new found retrieval of words, he is MUCH MUCH less likely to have a temper tantrum. I would say that if he has one a week it is a lot (the full out screaming flailing tantrums where he needs to be removed to his room to calm down as he will not tolerate being in our presence to calm). Thankfully even in those situations he calms very quickly once left alone and comes back apologetic and peaceful. Grace ramps up in those situations so it is always surprising to us that he calms down when left alone. He did have one of his tantrums in front of my brother last month, but I don't think he has more than 3 since then. Since he used to have 1 - 3 day daily, it is a delightful improvement:)

2a.  Repeated Requests: Not having a full out temper tantrum is one thing. Repeatedly asking for something when being told "no" is entirely something else. This kid has the stubborn tenacity of a bull. He certainly teaches us that if we are going to bother to say "no" there had better be a good, detailed reason for it that goes far beyond it being inconvenient for us. He does very well with logical answers. He does not do well if it is inconsistent with something we have allowed in the past (unless there is a reason for the disparity).

3.  Articulation - I am learning the difference between articulating words and word retrieval. They are obviously very different but I never had cause to have to think about it before. His articulation is probably at about 90% of the time understandable by our family. I know that he is not understood at that level by people outside of the family, but it is delightful that we can understand him so well. In this category novel words are the hardest for us as we do not yet know how he says a word. However, I think that it is probably only 1 - 2 times a week that he asks for something that we cannot figure it out by context or other verbal/physical cues that he gives. With that said, usually he says a string of syllables and we catch the main words and then interpret what the rest of the words must have been. But it is still a huge improvement for him and makes him, and us, happier that we can communicate so well:)

4. Preschool: learning is not a problem for him. He learns information very quickly. However, being bored with a school task is a very big problem for him. We learned quickly that he will deliberately answer us incorrectly once he knows something and is just bored with us asking him again.  He soaks up information quickly and is extremely curious. Therefore, doing it the rote habitual way every day does not fly with him. I have learned from watching his speech pathologist work with him how to keep him engaged. I am thankful for her expertise.

5. Switching Therapists: that leads to the next sad news. He has had 2 speech language pathologists over the past 10 months. I am sooo thankful for each of them and the role they played in what he needed at the time. But now the organization has taken on a new contract and these two therapists will be switched to inpatient work and we will be getting a different therapist. God helped move my heart when we showed up 2 weeks ago and the new therapist was there since his current one had a medical emergency. So when they called me last week about the change I was able to know who the new one was and know that JJ worked well with her. Apparently she has even more training with Apraxia than the last one so I will have to trust God with his. I guess it was unrealistic to expect that we would have the same SLP for his entire 3+ years of therapy. I worry that he will backslide since the new person won't know what has been doing, but they assured me she would be fully briefed. It has just been hard to know that the one we started with (the one who diagnosed him, started with him, taught me so much about Apraxia, was so patient with him for the months he would only hide under my legs on the floor and barely engage her at all, and who prayed for him by name every night) will not longer be working with him. On the up side...are you ready?????

JJ HAS BEEN GOING IN TO THE SLP BY HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Even when he met the new person last time!!!!  He knows where I am sitting and if he hears a noise in the lobby he opens his therapy door to see if I left him, but he is going into therapy by himself!  I can hear everything through the door and he seems to be doing better than if I were in there. He accepts her (their) direction without challenge. He is doing great:)

5a. Stranger Anxiety: In general he seems to be improving with his willingness to talk to strangers although still stares a lot or grunts his "yes" if someone asks him a question.  However, in a public place he only insists on my holding him less than 10% of the time - he is getting more comfortable! He has no problem tearing around the church by himself with 200 people milling about (that is not the greatest thing, but I am choosing to see the blessing in it;)

6. Sleep: ehhhh, still chaotic and unpredictable. He had a week about a month ago where he was not falling asleep until 1:30 a.m.  I changed up some routine for my own sanity (and need for sleep) and it has worked. Now he falls asleep in our bed (usually around 11:30), and I carry him to his bed and he sleeps usually until 5:30 - 6:30 when he come crawling back in our bed.  Today he actually slept in his own bed until he woke for the day!  I suspect he will be gone from the house before his sleep patterns actually look like any normal pattern.  The only problem for me is that my body now wakes me up at 6:30 anticipating he will be waking me and crawling in with us so I can't fall back asleep (I hate being woke up and if there is a chance of it I simply cannot fall asleep - it is quite annoying).

7.  Growth: He has been eating a fair amount for him. He is so excited that he can now almost reach the end of the tub with his toes when laying down in the bath. I measured him and he...has grown 4 1/2 inches in a year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He has grown 2 inches just since May! He is currently at the 50th percentile:)  For so long we were thrilled when he was at the 20th percentile, happy that he was actually on the growth chart. I am so thankful for the speech therapy helping him learn to swallow better so he eats better:)  It isn't just an issue of swallowing, but the nausea that he seemed to wake with before doesn't seem to be as much of an issue. He hasn't gotten car sick in several months. He just doesn't seem interested in much food (wish I had that problem!).

8. Routine: JJ is all about routine. Not to the point of him being autistic like - but he likes his routine. For example, at bedtime: he must watch one Garfield (he can be persuaded to watch another short show if need be), then a bath with bubbles (a few drops of Lavender to get him sleepy;) and he insists on Epsom salts (yes, he is an odd child;),  with dinosaurs and other toys. After that he has a chair he must sit in while I feed him a bowl of cereal. He is willing to switch that up some but goes on long streaks. For 2 weeks it may be Kix, the Cheerios (hates honey nut - must be plain), or Chex. For 6 months he has refused sugar, but in the past few days he wants sugar again. Then he wants a glass of plain white milk (he was on a chocolate milk kick for awhile, but he is back to white now). After that he brushes his teeth, I put Essential Oils on his feet to help him sleep, and he crawls in my bed with a pillow and falls asleep. It usually takes him about 15 - 20 minutes to fall asleep most of the time. It used to take him over an hour. Sometimes it is even just 5 minutes!  Since it usually takes me over an hour to fall asleep I am happy with 15 - 20 minutes:)

He also likes routine with food. He likes it prepared a certain way, determines if he needs a spoon or fork with that food, 80 percent of the time he says "mommy you feed me?" He likes  "chicken" (all meat is "chicken" to him or he won't eat it) but it must have extra seasoning on the plate for him to dip the meat into (that is a habit we can thank his biggest brother for emulating for him;)

Changing his clothes in the morning is also something he thankfully will now do for himself, but he has a very specific plan on what happens, in what order, what gets worn, etc. Heaven forbid if someone actually suggests certain clothes for him to wear or not wear. I have decided that as long as he is dressed for church, I will not care what state of wrinkedness they clothes will be in. I simply got rid of the "every day pants" with the holes in them so he couldn't choose them lol!

9. Language: I never used to understand the difference between learning "articulation/speech" and "language." But, now I do. JJ has the most interesting ways of constructing sentences. We joke that he is like Yoda. I always find it endearingly cute, but I also always forget to write it down. It is like listening to someone where English is their second language and the verbs and nouns are not in the correct order for English. I don't think about it too much since it is just the way that he talks, but everyone now and again it will hit me how odd it is to others.

Even so, he has a grasp on a lot of "language" concepts that our Middles struggled with. For example, location prepositions. For something different in preschool one day I spent a lot of time asking under/over/on/below/etc questions. He got them all correct. It is fascinating to me to try to understand what he does understand and what he does not.

10. Why?  And, finally, his biggest change is that he has finally moved into the "why" stage. Fully and completely. Everything is met with a "why." And because he is so smart and so curious the answers required are much more extensive than we ever had to do with the Middles. He keeps us on top of our game;)


As I type this and focus on "language," I have to laugh at myself. After working with Buddy teaching him about Gerunds, Participles, etc I realize that I don't understand them, have no motivation to try to understand them, and probably drive crazy all of you English people who read this and see my many language errors. I never learned about them in high school and can remember a professor in Graduate school putting red ink all over my papers about "hanging participles." I still don't get it lol!  That all gives me perspective that no matter what JJ's issues are, his tenacity and desire to learn will get him wherever God needs him to go in life...even if he does speak like Yoda;)

Thankful

I am thankful for a merciful Savior who loves me and seeks me even when I am stubborn and sinful.

I am thankful for a husband who resonates with me, shares my values and hopes, adores me, and is very, very, (VERRRRRY) patient with me.

I am thankful for my years of being a child of divorced parents teaching me that holidays are not about what day they are celebrated on, but rather about being together whatever day we celebrate. This first Thanksgiving with Beautiful married she is not with us for our family meal. But, she will be with us the rest of the weekend and is SOOOO excited to be engaging in the tradition of Black Friday shopping with her father (starting this evening). I am glad that they get to have those traditions together. I am equally glad that I am NOT a part of that tradition lol!

I am thankful that despite living in another state from all of our family, I got to see my brother a couple of days ago when he traveled through to go skiing. There is just something about a sibling, even if you are not on the same page all of the time, who "gets you" in a way that is different from others.  Well, at least my brother is that way. Of course my oldest son could be his son they are so similar - it is very odd to be raising a child who reminds me constantly of my brother while growing up. I guess I am thankful for those insights so I can better understand my son;)

I am thankful that my mother in law is in the presence of Jesus this year and no longer in pain.

I am thankful for wanting to participate in the cooking and Thanksgiving this year. I have spent the past several years just letting my husband do the cooking (he prefers that...and the kids prefer his cooking;) but this year I wanted to do my part so I made the rolls, dessert (that was very, very enjoyed), veggies, and....

I am thankful for the tradition in our family of making Lefse!  Every year when we make it I am reminded of my grandmother. Even though we cannot be together for the holidays I warms my heart to know that I am carrying forward into our family one of her beloved traditions.

I am thankful for Superman and the joy that he brings to this family. Watching he and Buddy play the Wii is always a riot and they are having a blast today!

I am thankful that a fuse got blown due to the dehydrator ('tis the season for venison jerky you know!) which necessitated moving our large assortment of games and puzzles and got us excited to play some. I am thankful for playing lots of games with the girls - and I am trying to be thankful for the opportunity it affords me to learn patience;)

I am thankful for a full house, even though it is only our family. I suspect one year it will be very lonely and quiet once all of the kiddos are gone.

I am thankful for our comfortable home. It is very modest, not fancy, not well decorated, and very...ummmm...lived in. But it is comfortable and far and away better than what my husband grew up with. That makes it an extra blessing for us that God has brought us to this place.  We talked over our lunch about being thankful for enough food, a warm home, enough room to sit around the table together, warm and clean water, and the many "toys" that we have to play with. We appreciate our home greatly. Yesterday when we were praying as a family about what to do about schooling Buddy reminded us that our home is to be a place of serenity and "home is where the heart is." We are thankful to be on a new mission of making our home a place with less conflict.



I am thankful that when we seek God he meets us where we are at. He makes things clear to us. He gives us the strength to do what we are to do. In needing to make the difficult decision about what to do about educating 2 of our kiddos we sought a lot of advice. Of course we got advice that was very widely varied. It seemed that the advice received was consistent with the advice givers worldview and personal experiences (of course). Thus, we decided to hunker down and pray through it to find out what God wanted for our family, ask you all to pray, and spend time making pros and cons lists. With that all done we have made the decision to continue to home school Superman and Faith. That decision means that a lot of other decisions need to be made and changes need to take place to make it more successful than in the past. I won't go into all of our process as no one will care about that, but as a family we have peace about it.  I would even go so far that we are excited about the changes we will be making.

Praise the Lord for His direction, His faithfulness, and His wisdom!

I Vex My Husband...But He Puts Up With Me:)

I wrote about my experience with EMDR and how I have benefited so much from it. One of the biggest benefits I have noticed is that I actually want to do things that I haven't wanted to do for years.  In the past I just made myself buck up and do it.  Now I am motivated, excited about it, and that really vexes my husband. The poor man has been used to my laid back philosophy of the past years where I have wanted to get something done, mentioned it, but did not really do much about it...

But....

I'm BAAAAACK!!!!!

So, now I am motivated and have a plan to get things DONE.  NOW!  Which means that my husband now has a "honey do list" that I actually want my honey to...do;)

Almost 5 years ago we put in new flooring when JJ was starting to crawl.  My husband installed the kitchen flooring himself and we had all of the rest of the upstairs recarpeted (after 30 years it needed it!) But..."life" happened and he never finished the baseboard.  I think it was 1 or 2 years ago I mentioned it again so he bought the baseboard and stained it...and it has been sitting on the floor of the garage since then.

This morning I gave him plenty of warning. He asked for my plans to day and I shared with him that I was in a mood to do some deep cleaning and organizing.  And..."when are you going to get that baseboard installed?"

I was actually impressed with myself. As I keep trying to test the limits of EMDR as it seems "too good to be true" I was worried that with JJ so sick last week (he had strep and ended up in the hospital on day 5 for 6 hours for IV fluids and antibiotics - he was pretty dehydrated - so I really only just laid on the couch and held him for days and days and days) that I would have lapsed back into my complacency and lack of motivation to do anything. But, Wednesday we spend the day as a family at the park (even Beautiful came down and met us for the afternoon as we were 1/2 way to her house). Yesterday we took Superman, Faith, and JJ to the Pumpkin Patch for the day with 150 other homeschoolers from our group.  We had never been to a Pumpkin Patch before (we don't observe Halloween so I was always reluctant to go to one. This one was great!).  I normally would never have actually scheduled 2 outings back to back. I would have said that 1 was enough and not had near enough energy to do it.  I would have felt obligated for the kids and not wanted to do it. But, I did!  And they were both fun! Now, they were not without stress (of course) but it was worth it:)

So, even after 10 days of high stress with a sick kid, then 2 days back to back of social outings, I still had a ton of energy and wanted to do something!  That is seriously not my norm in the past almost 3 years now.  I am loving this.

But, as I said before my bunny trail, my poor husband is trying to adjust to my "lets get things done" attitude.

He had other things on his "list" for today but he very kindly humored me and agreed to put up the baseboard. I was cleaning out and organizing the pantry (WHAT A MESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)  and noticed that the doors needed to be washed. It is right by where Grace eats so I then noticed how bad the wall looked with food, markers, pencil, gouges, etc in the wall.  I washed it too and realized it really needed to be repainted.

Do you see where this is going?

My ever long-suffering most excellent husband found the matching paint and painted the wall for me.

He is a saint.

Then he finished putting up the baseboard while I finished the pantry.

I have I mentioned what a horrid disorganized mess that it was?  I had so many extras of things I didn't even know I had.  Uggg.

I also got sidetracked organizing JJ's preschool curriculum (I am not sure how that happened exactly), dusted the piano and ALL of the junk on it (even Buddy noticed and commented on how nice it looked...THAT was remarkable lol!)  Then I started JJ for his first day of preschool. That was a sweet treat for me:)  He is doing so much better with his word retrieval so that I thought we could proceed without him becoming so frustrated like he has in the past. However, when he asked to play "wolverine" and I couldn't figure it out until Beautiful (they were here overnight as they are on Fall Break) said, "mom, he is saying "Lord of the Rings" I thought that I perhaps should wait a bit longer until I could better understand him.  But we decided to start anyway;)  JJ is extremely stubborn and when one asks him to do anything he will usually refuse unless it is his idea (or he thinks it is). So the thought of actually formally teaching him about breaks me out in hives (especially since not understanding his words makes him so frustrated anyway).  But, day 1 was a success and he readily engaged.  So, yay for day 1 done lol!

Anyway, my husband then made tacos for supper while I finished clearing off the table of what I was organizing (believe me, he got the better deal).

So, now I have a pantry that is organized, the children's art/craft supplies are all sorted and organized in their own boxes, JJ got his 1st day of school done, my baseboard is all up, my kitchen wall is repainted, and my piano is dusted and organized.

Any my body is screaming "what were you thinking!?!?!?""  :)  Then I walked to another room and just groaned as I realized just how much of the house needs to be deep cleaned and organized, and my husband groaned as I started to list what else he needs to fix around the house;)

So, now the kids and I are going to watch a family movie and eat popcorn and dip apples in caramel because I just really need them to be still and not fight, and me to not move;)

It feels SO good to want to move forward with life again.  To have hope that it actually makes a difference.  Little by little I will tackle this house and family back into its former self and stay on top of this time:) Thankfully I have an amazing husband by my side who is willing to see my "honey do" list and say "yes dear."  ;)

Apraxia: Month 8 of Speech/Language Therapy!

I did not get to attend speech therapy with JJ for any of August, and just got to attend last week again.  My work schedule is busier than ever, but my husband was happy to be part of the process for a time.  I am feeling guilty just handing it all over to him feeling like I need to be the one involved.  It is part of my control issues I suppose:) However, I was feeling out of the loop and not noticing as much improvement with the craziness of the wedding, etc. However, after this session I was able to see a few more things that are different so thought I would share about that:)

Keep in mind that with Apraxia the actual articulation errors are only a small part of the symptoms that we deal with:)

First: his sleep issues are worsening.  Friday night he didn't even go to sleep until after 2 a.m.  We decided to wake him by 9:30 in the morning to offset things.  That switch has reminded me why we stopped that in the first place.  Because of the Apraxia affecting his REM (restful sleep, etc) and the speed at which his brain "wakes up," if he is woke up he does it veeeeeery slowly. He has to be held and rocked for 1 - 2 hours before he really wakes up.  That means that we can't get anything done.  I am remembering why we stopped waking him up lol!  He does like to take a HOT bath at bedtime and I put lavender in the water with him and he usually falls asleep faster that way:)  Once he falls asleep he stays asleep all night about 1/2 of the time.  The other 1/2 he wakes about 5:30 and crawls in bed with us.  That wakes me up and I don't fall back to sleep.  So after going to sleep at midnight or a little later after he finally falls sleep, and waking at 5:30 when either he wakes me or my body wakes me anticipating he will wake me, I have struggled with being tired lol! He also wakes A LOT more when he has bug bites that he needs "mommy, scratch it mommy!"

Second: Eating has been improved but still not anywhere near "normal."  Most of the time he may eat a few bites of food in the morning but then not eat much else.  After 10 or 11 p.m. though is when he really gets hungry.  The other night he ate a whole box of mac n cheese!  Of course I am not thrilled that the food he likes is box mac n cheese (I never used to cook it but my teenagers discovered it and...there you go!) He also rarely drinks anything, but will drink 2 glass of milk in the hour before bed.  The saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" certainly applies to him!

Third: Sensory issues - his car sickness has increased.  In fact he has not just been nauseated but actually gotten sick in the car twice in the past week:(

Fourth: Articulation- I think his articulation is improving.  We understand him better and others say that they understand him better.  He still says /s/ for /f/ when he talks, but as soon as I prompt him he will say it correctly (unless he is being ornery;)  The SPL states that she will start working with the /s/ sound with him this week to help him to know that some words actually do get the /s/ sound so he doesn't get the idea that no words have /s/ lol!

Fifth: Retrieval - this is such a major issue with Apraxia and he is doing SO WELL with it!  There are some words that he consistently doesn't seem to be able to retrieve but for the most part his vocabulary has vastly improved.  It isn't that he didn't know the words, but that couldn't retrieve them.  Now his retrieval of more complicated vocabulary with more syllables in improving noticeably.  This is wonderful!

Sixth: Social - JJ ROSE HIS HAND AND ANSWERED A QUESTION IN SUNDAY SCHOOL...TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   This is SOOOOOOOO huge!  He has never really acted like he cared what was going on in Sunday school.  He wanders around or sits on my husband's lap a lot.  We have been teaching his class for a full year now (the 4/5 year old class).  We were going through the days of creation and he raised his hand and gave a good answer that was as on track as any other kid in the class.  It was so precious!

He has also had much less stranger anxiety with less clinging to us. He will respond to people (using brief words) with they ask a question or we prompt him to give an answer.  YYYYAAAAAYYYYY!

Last Friday Grace had a dentist appointment.  The Dental Hygienist has been a sweet friend of ours for 17 years since we started going there and we explained JJ's stranger anxiety.  He watched Grace get her teeth "tickled" and ride on the chair.  Then...he got up there himself for a ride on the chair!  AND he let her look in his mouth and "count" his teeth.  AND HE LET THE DENTIST LOOK IN THERE TOO!!!  With the mirror instrument!!!!!!  Can I just say that this is AMAZING progress for him?!?!?!? When I asked him if he wanted to get his teeth "tickled" (he did touch the "toothbrush") next time he gave a resounding "NO!"  ;)

Seventh: Fine Motor Skills - We  had got a free app on the kids' kindles to draw Frozen characters. During church he pulled one up and drew a picture of the snowman!  AND it LOOKED like the snowman lol!  He still holds pencils/crayons very oddly but he is able to color inside the lines very well and does it carefully:)

With this said, when he moves one hand the other hand will mirror the same movement.  So when he moves his hand to color the other hand does too.  It is the same with scratching.  I think that makes the movement more exhausting and perhaps less effective.  That is my philosophy why he struggles with us having to scratch for him.  He will do it a little, but when tired he insists we do it.

Eighth: learning - he has always struggled with learning things like colors, letters, numbers, etc.  He can't do the latter at all yet but we are working on it!  However, in the past month I have noticed that he is getting about 4 colors down consistently!  It has always amazed me that he can learn how to operate an electronic device and play a video game competitively with his older siblings but he can't/won't learn those colors lol!

Ninth: attention span - he is loving me reading him CHAPTER BOOKS!  We have started reading Robin Hood (the classic kid version).  He sits on my lap a long time for me to read several chapters.  In fact, I have to get up and move onto a different project before he ready for me to be done!  That is very new and very welcome:)

Tenth: Spiritual  Jonathan has prayed to accept Jesus into his heart:)  Now, what that really means in terms of fruitfulness in his behavior is up for...watchfulness.  But it was a very sweet moment to share with my little guy as he asked and prayed with me:)

EMDR Training Complete! What an impact!

I had posted before about how I had completed the first 3 days of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) training and positive impact that had on me.  I then had 6 weeks in between to work with clients (marry off my daughter and all that entailed-don't worry a blog post is coming about the wedding!) and do 2 hours a week of consultation.  Last weekend was my 2nd 3 day weekend of the training.  I cannot tell you enough how excited I am about this treatment modality and the help that it offers for people who have had yuck happen.  Whether it is Trauma or trauma, EMDR has surprised me with its effectiveness.  I won't bored you with the statistics - you can find that online if you like (and I highly encourage you to do so!)

I will tell you that in my 18 years of being a Psychologist, I have not found a therapy modality that works as quickly or effectively with my clients, particularly the "stuck" ones, as EMDR.  But I won't spend any more time talking about that either.

I will tell you that I had to go through another session of EMDR myself and the personal change has been significant.  I do not like to be vulnerable.  A couple of weeks ago I posted about Grace and it was very hard for me to be that raw.  I went to the Women of Faith conference a few weeks ago and what struck me the most was how open the speakers were, and that their openness what so much of what their impact was for my heart.  The message was important, but the vulnerability is what allowed their message to have a deeper impact on my heart.  So, when I was at the EMDR conference and paired up with the 2 other therapists that I had been paired with the first weekend.  I decided that I would make a choice to be vulnerable and raw with them in the EMDR session, trusting them with my yuck.  Doing EMDR on each other is a learning experience, a "practicum" if you will.  Well, for almost all of us as recipients (there were 20 of us) we had significant healing.  Therapists are not easy to do therapy on...we tend to over analyze everything and second guess it all.

Which I did;)  But the topic that I chose to work on took me in so many directions that I did not anticipate.  I dealt with a general sense of needing to be in control and my disgust with apathy.  If you know me, you know that I tend to be a person who is driven...and who likes to be in control.  I realized just how much certain situations in my life - losing Superman and Faith's baby sister, the extreme difficulty of raising Grace, and others I won't name in order to not disrespect those involved, have left me with this uncomfortable and not-normal-for-me sense of apathy and "what is the point." That has led to a whole host of issues.  Some of them are not caring if the house gets cleaned, if the food gets cooked, if special time is spent with the kids, if extras are done as a family, etc.  There has been so much "noise" in my head about my utter inadequacy as a mother, my value as mother, my inability to do anything worthwhile or helpful for these children...essentially my utter failure as a mother on every level I can think of (not so much about other areas of my life, just me as a mom).  The lie that I have no positive impact on these kids, and cannot have any positive long term impact on these kids, used to pound at me every moment.  I coped by...reading.  I cannot describe to you the problem that I had with reading.  I have loved to read since I was 6 years old.  I remember being the best in reading in 1st grade and received so much joy from it.  My whole life I have used reading for pleasure and escape from reality.  But it became a huge problem when we lost Superman and Faith's younger sister (by the way, we got 2 pictures of her yesterday!  She was smiling and looks so incredibly happy!  She is 2 1/2 now:)

I have felt compelled to read.  The only way I can describe it is feeling like an addiction.  If I wasn't reading, I was thinking about the next time I could read again.  If I went to bed without finishing a story I would dream all night about what the conclusion must be like.  If I finished a book before bed, I would worry what the next book was that I was going to read, and if it would be any good or not.  It was...all consuming.

But, through the process of the EMDR I came to realize the problem was not reading to escape my reality which is what I thought the problem was (and would beat myself up about which only perpetuated the cycle), but instead I was trying to escape the constant barrage of lies in my head about my inadequacy.  I would cry with my husband and talk about who I "used" to be.  The woman who graduated from college in 3 years and had my doctorate by age 25.  About how I used to work full time and have 2 kids and a husband (oh, those days were NOTHING compared to reality now lol!)  How did I "used to" do all of that and now I function doing the bare necessities? 

Well, Saturday afternoon I had my hour of high emotion and insights as I went through my EMDR session (I felt bad for the woman who had to be my "therapist" for the session lol!) I was so thankful for the 2 woman that I became friends with and we could feel safe and vulnerable with each other, and sharing my faith as my central tenant of where I thought healing came from was consistent with their beliefs). I was thankful for the Women of Faith conference encouraging me to "go there." I have felt so different since then.  So much like the woman I used to be.  I woman with Hope. A woman with Purpose.  A woman who does not just count down the minutes until reading can be accomplished again.  A woman whose head is not filled with "noise." 

I caught a cold on Saturday.  My husband had come with me for the weekend while Beautiful stayed home with the kids (SOOOOOO THANKFUL FOR HER!!!!) We had processed my EMDR session over supper at Red Lobster (his favorite restaurant). Then we watched our state college football came together and relaxed...sigh...I was so looking forward to an uninterrupted night of sleep!!!!  But, God had other plans;)  I took some cold medicine at 11 p.m.  I slept from 11:30 - 12:30 a.m. ...and...woke up for the night. I had forgotten that the medicine made me not be able to sleep:(  I just laid in bed from 12:30 - 6:15 and sang praise music to myself and thought about there was a complete absence of the "noise."  That was when I realized that I read so much to drown out the lies. There was no need to get up and read, as there was no noise to escape from:)  At 6:15 I got up and read Haggai.  I was so convicted by his words...and his warnings.  I had to laugh at how God works...

Since then, I have had SUCH a productive week! In the past couple of years my productive spurts have been done by grit and determination.  This week it was done because I wanted to. 

I have deep cleaned Grace's bedroom (that is for another post, but essentially we have removed everything except for 15 changes of clothes and her bed.  She REFUSES to clean up her belongings and is using all kinds of items to dig holes in walls, destroy her room, etc).  We have developed a plan of how to deal with her and I feel confident that it is not out of desperation but it is actually out of hope...and confidence that God has this.  He put her here.  I don't know why but He did, so I need to be on board better!)

I have done a lot of organizing and planning for beyond the moment:)

I got a TON of paperwork done!

I have read, but it is MUCH MUCH less than usual.  It is actually for enjoyment, not escape:)

Last night Grace had a dentist appointment so my husband and I took her (and JJ) out afterwards as a date for her.  She did ok at the restaurant and her behaviors were very, very tolerable for the afternoon and evening.  This morning started out rough but we have stuck to our plan on how to deal with her and she is coming around:)  Usually I am so afraid to go out into public with her that I avoid it at all costs.  I was glad that it  turned out well:)

So far today (it is 2:45):  I have done my hour on the treadmill, cleaned the kitchen, baked bread and cinnamon rolls with Faith (the rolls I usually do about once a year, the bread I used to stay on top of but lately we run out and it takes me days to make another loaf), defrosted the big freezer (which I usually do once a year but never got done last year), made a big breakfast for the kids (usually only done about once a month), done 2 loads of laundry (they are PUT AWAY! that rarely happens the same day;) and danced in the kitchen with the kids to Building 429:)  

The chorus that I have been singing over and over and over this week is:

All I know is I am not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong!

This chorus gives me such hope.  We are here for a fleeting moment.  Before I felt crushed by the weight of my life.  During the EMDR God reminded me "You were created to bear fruit."  Before I would have felt that as a crushing obligation.  But during the EMDR I felt it as a promise.  He created me to be fruitful, and as His creation I will bear that fruit as He never makes a mistake. It was emotional.  It continues to be emotional, but in such a healing way.

So, that is my vulnerable and raw admittance of my personal struggles and failures - as well as how God used EMDR to help me heal.  And...I don't even feel raw and exposed sharing this with you - I just want to be real with you and, if you also feel "stuck," encourage you to find a therapist who does EMDR:) (although make sure they are fully trained, and even possibly certified).  I am excited to move forward with the certification process and hope I can be done with that by Christmas or so:)

Praising God!

Treasure Hunting!!

Four consecutive days home means that I get to do one of the things I enjoy the most...organize and clean!

Today I tackled the living room.  It is amazing what treasures one can find in their own home!  Behind the piano were cd's and toys.  The couch cushions offered me up freeze pop wrappers and tinker toys.  Under couches I was able to do some archaeological research to see what kids of snacks my children have been enjoying (and dropping).  There was also the exciting find of a special pillow that my husband had bought a few months back.  I have continuously put it "away," frustrated why it keeps being in the way.  Today I found out why...there are THREE of them!  The train tracks, the tinker toys, the big legos, the small legos, the marbles - all of them waiting for me to find.  It was extra delightful to locate those items as 2 weeks ago I thought I had removed all of those items from the living areas since they were not being used properly and need to go to go "toy time out."  Some of them decided to just hide out a little while and play hide and seek with me though;)  Striving to dig deeper and find some really buried treasure...I opened up the floor vents.  Wow!  A pair of winter gloves!  A good find for sure!  In another one I found the back to a remote control that we have been searching for for a long time!  Yay!  How can one not be excited with all of these fun finds?!?!

  Ah, it has reminded me the days when we only had 2 children.  I used to keep the house very clean.  There wasn't a thing that I could not locate.  In fact, I distinctly remember that there was one (1) item that we lost and it drove me crazy.  It was Beautiful's pacifier.  We only had a few.  I always knew where they were.  No problem.  I kept things clean and organized. I even (insanely) used to not just sort out all of my receipts...but put them in chronological order!!!!  Oh how far I have fallen...  I even found time once a month at least to use a toothpick to clean out the crud from my kitchen cupboard doors and dusted EVERY WEEK!  When we were remodeling our house when Beautiful was 4 we had to cut into the vent to her bedroom.  There was her pacifier! Mystery solved:)  "I" did not lose it lol!  Nothing used to go missing in our house (ummmmm, well, please don't ask the story of the missing keys that have never been found.  That is a sore subject).  Now we are missing puzzle pieces, game pieces, remote controls, important papers, kitchen counters, my sanity...

Yes, when you stop laughing and can get back onto your chair you may continue reading...

I am downright embarrassed about my house at this stage of my life.  I don't even like to take pictures of the kids because the background is...chaos.  I have thought about hiring a cleaning person but the problem isn't cleaning floors or vacuuming.  It is finding a place to put the accumulated...junk.  I love to organize.  But it just never seems to stay that way and I have, I will publicly admit, given up.  My kitchen counter is a place that I am scared to look at.  We have a "U" shaped kitchen.  I keep an "L" fairly clean and usable.  The other side...no way.  There are times when I get the motivation to clean it up (usually when someone is coming over and has given advance notice).  But within 24 hours it is back to stacks and stacks and stacks.

So, I stay away from the kitchen...and my desk...

But the living room!  Ah, the living room is a treasure chest waiting to be opened!  Tomorrow I hope to continue the momentum and clean out Beautiful's room.  All of my mother in laws things as well as all of the wedding things are just waiting to be organized and sorted.  That is in addition to the, uh, treasures that Beautiful has left behind.

If you can't find me...you will know where I am lost;)

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Saturday
Saturday, blessed, uninterrupted Saturday.  Today I put on my headphones and dove into Beautiful's bedroom.  I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I sorted all of her things that she left behind and put them in totes for her to take to her home.  I organized my mother in laws things and left them for my husband to sort.  He has enjoyed doing that already.  She was a woman who kept a calendar and wrote on it every.single.day.  She also kept it as a journal.  The weather and other special events were always marked down.  It was fun to flip through some of them.  The last time she wrote on her calendar was the day her mother passed away, 10 months before she did.

Anyway, going through Beautiful's things was a treasure hunt to be sure.  I had expected it to be harder than it was to go through it knowing she will never live with us again.  But I reminded myself often that she will come visit and it was not like she had passed away and I was going through her things.  Perspective is always important, right;)

I went through the wedding things and got them all to fit in the closet. Yay!  We also keep the gift bags/tissue paper in that closet and I got all of that sorted.  There were a lot of those.

It was no secret in our home that Beautiful was not a...ummmm...diligent housekeeper.  I cleared away dust, paper clips, pens, and a lot of candy wrappers...and a whole lot of other things.  Then I got to her bathroom.  Thankfully my husband had done a run through a week ago so there was less than there could have been.  I scrubbed the sink, toilet, floor, and shower.  It felt good to see the clean room:)  

Here is a fb post I made Saturday night;)
I removed Beautiful's curtains and took them outside to take them off the rods because they were so dusty and dirty I didn't want to remove them indoors. I then left the rods outside. Do you see where this is going? I just took the curtains out of the dryer and went to retrieve the rods...which apparently were used as swords as they are now so bent up that they are unusable.

Several thoughts are going through my mind:
1) why do I even bother?
2) my dad's frequent saying "if it is not one thing it is another."
3) there is no way I can ever move out of this house as it would cost a fortune to fix all of the broken items.
4) when they estimate how much money it takes to raise a child, do they include costs of replacing things like curtain rods...and siding on your house that is full of holes from said curtain rods and other sword-like objects?
5) one day I will laugh about this...but it.is.not.today.
6) I hope that heaven does not include breakable objects;)

All in all it was a very productive day and I feel very good at what got accomplished...There were a lot of little treasures that I found that reminded me to special memories with Beautiful.  There were also reminders of the reality of my life...but I am focusing on treasures;)

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Sunday

I had texted with Beautiful yesterday and tried to bribe her to come visit, but she did not take the bait.  I was in the bathroom before church talking with a friend about how much I missed her and wished she had come home for a few hours yesterday.  When I left the bathroom...I saw Buddy and assumed he was talking to his friend.   But...he was talking to my son-in-law!  I was shocked for a moment trying to understand it, then gave him a big hug.  Then Beautiful (who had JJ:) came around the corner!  I was so excited.  Definitely the biggest treasure of my weekend:)  They had told my husband, who loves surprises and therefore never let on AT ALL that we would be having surprise guests.  

We spent the day watching some silly shows that we like to watch, and catching up.  My son-in-law had made a 20 minute video of their honeymoon.  It was beautiful and funny:)  Of course, no visit would be complete without hunting.  The older people (except for me, but that goes without saying;) all went out...TWICE lol!  

One thing that my treasure hunting of this weekend has revealed is that we are woefully low on food.  I usually buy things in large bulk containers - 50 and 25 lb bags. Large bottles, etc.  I never really think that we are running low.  In fact, I usually think about how we need to just eat down the food we have.  Well, that has happened.  I went to make lasagna since that is my son in laws favorite food and...I was out of both sour cream and spaghetti sauce:(   With it being a Sunday the grocery store was closed (in our small town) so I improvised (which usually makes the kids groan).  At supper Superman said, "Mom, it is actually good!"  :)  My son in law said he liked it too so I guess it was OK.  Next weekend we are making a Sam's run and I just made a large Azure order so we will have our stables replenished again:)

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Monday

This morning I got up and walked my normal hour on the treadmill.  Grace was also up and she talked.non.stop.  She was upset she did not have school today and I explained it was Labor Day.  She asked what it was and when I explained she said "Oh, I thought it was a day that a bunch of moms went into labor and had babies."  That kid cracks me up.  This nuggets are the treasures that keep me going with her:)

I made the kids french toast and bacon for breakfast.  They all count that as a treasure usually oatmeal is the breakfast of champions around here;) 

It was so precious for Beautiful to come into the kitchen.  How I miss seeing her walking through the house every day.  It gave me a moment for levity and silliness so I thought I would go with it.

We went to Women of Faith last weekend.  I really enjoyed it.  The comedienne had a sketch of being a mom who wears different "hats" and she demonstrated by putting on literal hats.  When we left I asked Beautiful what "hats" she sees me wear.  She said the worker, accountant, and psychologist.  She said "not the mom."  The "mom" was a woman with a happy countenance who was singing "rise and shine and give God the glory glory."  Well, I couldn't resist.  It was too much temptation.  I saw her walk into the kitchen and I...broke out into that song with a big smile and even a few dance moves.  To say that the Middles and Beautiful were shocked is an understatement.  Their mouths fell open, they had looks that we almost like a grimace, and they were speechless after my moment of impulsive levity.  Yes, the family that calls me the "fun sucker" definitely made it clear to me that such moments of "mom" were not typical and they did not know what to do with me.  I will never forget their faces lol!  Definitely a memory I will treasure even if they thought they should call someone to haul me away lol!

Beautiful and her husband then left to visit friends for the day.  I baked some apple pies, got a tiny bit of paperwork done, and settled in to can cucumber relish:)  A dear friend called and asked if Superman could play with her son, and if Grace wanted to go for a ride with her.  When they returned I was chatting with her and...life went on as normal.  Meaning, JJ hauled off and hit Grace.  After my friend left and I disciplined JJ, I found out that Grace had pinched JJ first.  Such is my life.  Not 30 minutes goes by without some kind of drama like this occurring.  However, it was a treasure that I can be real with my friend, "real life" can happen and other than her being stunned for a few moments she went away with what I assume was just another tangible reason for her to continue to be a prayer warrior for me:) I desperately need friends like her...they are a treasure:)

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I spent the weekend trying to find positives...trying to find treasures.  So much of life is about perspective.  I was so encouraged by the Women of Faith conference.  Last year the conference really spoke to my heart about some solid spiritual issues I had to wrestle with.  This year was far more vulnerable for me.  This year I heard speakers talk from their hearts about trials and realities.  It was less this year about a scriptural lessons and far more about gathering my courage to be open, honest, and vulnerable with the people around me...as the speakers modeled in their own lives.  They all had been through/are going through "life" and have made a choice to seek to see it from God's perspective rather than be crushed by the weight of this sin filled world as we are all tempted to do.  Last weekend I learned good lessons at Women of Faith and this weekend I hope that I put it into practice to seek my experiences as "treasures" rather than a millstone around my neck;)

So...Rise and Shine and Give God the Glory Glory!   ;)

How we have been doing since my mother in law's passing.

I realized that I haven't posted about how we have been doing since my mother in law passed away on 7/15.

She had been sick since May and pretty much continuously in the hospital.  She was put on hospice on 7/8/2015 back at the nursing home where she had lived for 5 years.  She passed away the evening of 7/15/2015.  My mother in law had been very decided that she did not want a funeral, but did allow a Memorial Service.  She wanted to be cremated.  Our Senior Pastor came the night she passed away and spent some time with us (just my husband and I - it was after the kids went to bed) praying, remembering, and singing.  My husband had sat with his mother most of the day (I had been there in the morning with him) and he had left for a short time when she passed.  He had sung How Great Thou Art to her.  While she had been pretty much unresponsive for days he felt that she had heard him singing to her and tried to respond.  He had struggled that whole week with wondering if he should be there when she passed or not, and thus not sure if he should ever leave her side.  In hind sight he is glad that the decision was taken from him as he had put off all day the errand he had to run and finally left at 8:30 to get it done - and she passed away shortly after.

The nurses and staff were wonderful and spent time talking with us about how she was.  She was a loved and appreciated resident as she was usually very patient and non-demanding.   I sure hope that I can be that way...but I feel that I very much fall short of those descriptions!  My husband handled it all very well.

He did such a great job of caring for her over the past 6 years since she moved down here to be near us.  He took care of all of her medical appointments, went with her to most of her medical appointments, advocated for her often, took care of her financial needs, paperwork, etc.  He visited her as often as a father of 6 kids still at home could visit her.  He was an exceptional son to her.

We marveled at the perfect timing of her passing.  We are so busy all of the time and God took her at a time that, when we look back, we smile and remember that He has perfect timing.  He didn't have her die on M or T when I worked long days and my husband was at home watching the kids most of the time (he did go the 6 blocks to see her several times, but had to be home with kids too).  I had offered to stay home those days but he reminded me, "we have a wedding to pay for!!"  Thursday we had to leave for our daughter's college and to move her in to her house.  Wednesday he spent essentially the entire day with his mother, and she passed away just before 9 p.m.  God is good:)

The kids went to camp the following week so we held the Memorial Service 14 days after she passed away. My husband really went back and forth if he was going to do it at all and decided to go forward with it.  Our Associate Pastor did a beautiful job.  It was very emotional and I was thankful for our friends who came around our kids offering support and physical comfort during the service while I tried to comfort my husband.  We were so touched by those who came that day to support my husband.  It was very touching and we won't forget those who have loved us during this time (even though we have yet to send out any thank you cards:(

The day after that we drove 8 hours to her home town (stopping through at our daughter's house to move more items in).  My husband got to spend the evening with his dearest cousin that he grew up with and was like a brother to.  I kept the kids occupied in the pool.  Friday morning (after practically no sleep due to Grace and JJ) her graveside service was at 11 and my husband did the talking.  He was very nervous as talking in front of people usually results in my husband become extremely emotional and unable to talk.  Faith vomited 40 minutes before the service and I thought "what else can possibly happen?!?!?"  Thankfully she did not get sick again and no one else got sick for the drive home!

We got to the service on time.   My husband enjoyed catching up with his family members, many of whom I have never met since we do not have much contact with either side of his family.  I am not sure how many showed up but I think it was around 50 of us standing  around the grave site.  Perhaps a few more.

JJ had enjoyed getting his own water before the service and I had warned him that he would have to go potty if he kept doing that.  He argued with me and kept drinking.  So...5 minutes before the service, in the middle of a large cemetery, he announces he has to go potty.  One of my mother in law's 7 siblings overheard him and laughed - telling me to take him behind a shed a ways away.  We ended up "behind the shed"...twice;)

My husband got the service started and the girls were emotional.  My husband got emotional.  I went to stand behind him rubbing his back and praying for him, and Beautiful took over comforting the girls.  I didn't know how his family would respond to my standing there with my husband, but when I whispered to my husband if he wanted me to leave he whispered back, "stay, it is working."  So, I stayed:)

He did a precious job and honored his mother well.  There had been rumors of a family member showing up that was not welcome, and we were so very thankful that he did not show up.  Thus, it was a sweet time of my husband's family remembering my mother in law and them expressing their appreciation for my husband for all he did for her. It was a healing time.

Afterwards we went to a restaurant to eat.  Then I took the kids to a park to burn energy while my husband kept visiting with his family.  We ran some 'races' and had fun until he came.  We drove home and got back before midnight.  Unfortunately the last 90 minutes in the van involved Grace screaming vile things and refusing to calm down...but at least it was the very end of the trip.  She was way to over stimulated and out of control.  She was feeling what the rest of us were feeling - exhausted, frustrated with 16 hours in the van in 2 days, and emotional about her grandma.

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Since then we have been doing pretty well.  There are times when I wake up and mentally assess what the day will look like.  I will think, "I need to do keep the kids occupied with ___________ so that my husband has time to go see his mom."  Then I remember that that won't be happening.  I had not realized just how much time he spent going out there, or how much of our mental energy was spent thinking about her, how to take care of her "business," etc.  It has just been reality for the past 6 years.  It is an odd weight that we did not mind bearing, but did not realize how heavy the weight was.  She was never a burden, but the realities of caring for her were significant.

My husband often thinks of her, of course.  We took Buddy to a movie one night and after we left he said, "I was just thinking that I was excited to go tell Mom about the movie...then I remembered."

He is busy taking care of her final paperwork issues.  He always took care of all of those things for her.  I was not part of any of it.  I appreciated that he took all of that on his shoulders.

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Probably the most significant change has been with my husband.  Rather than him being consumed with grief for her, he really believes that she is now in a better place.  While he misses her, he genuinely believes she is no longer in pain and is with her Savior, and that brings him much peace and comfort.

His eyes sparkle again.  I had forgotten that.  There is actual joy and humor in them and not just weariness.  It is obvious that he is not feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders as much.  Even with us marrying off our oldest daughter 8 days after burying his mother and the reality of the stress of the rest of our stressful life he is less stressed than he has been for...years...many years.  I know that most of that is due to the faithful prayers of our church and friends.  There is absolutely no way that we could have survived this summer, much less thrived, without the prayer support of so many people.

There is no greater testimony of how much stress has affected him than with his glucose numbers.  He was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes on 12/12/12.  We have spent thousands of dollars on 3 different holistic programs to keep him from going on insulin - focusing on diet, exercise, and supplements.  Within a week of his mother passing his glucose numbers were in the normal range 75% of the time.  Without supplements. He even went to "testing" it a bit by having some wedding cake here or there or another sugary treat and there has been no increase in his numbers.  The other 25% of the time the numbers are still lower than what his low numbers were before.  He is feeling better.  It is good:)  He is doing well!

That is NOT to say that there isn't a fair amount of stress in our lives.  Yesterday I was 9 hours into a long day of work and called to quick touch base with my husband.  I asked how things were going and he responded in a very weary and exasperated voice, "do you want me to tell you the truth or lie?"  I said, "well, since I still have over 4 hours left of work...lie."  :)  When I did get home at 9:30 he had the Middles in bed and was making Grace's school lunch in the kitchen while listening to "Oh Glorious Day" on his ipod.  He gave me one of the ear buds and we just slow danced in the kitchen while soaking in the words to that song.  Life is still plenty stressful, but we also take advantage of moments like that to keep us focused on God, be attentive and appreciative of the hard roles each of us have in this family, and treasuring the moments of comfort we can get from each other as time allows:)

JJ Update: August 2015

It has been so long since I have blogged that I have all of these topics rolling around in my head.  I will try to tackle them one by one with the shortest first:)

JJ finished music therapy the beginning of August.  He seemed to enjoy it and likes music a lot.  He still wouldn't interact with the other kids in the class and even when they do the story time and the kids move 4 feet into the center of the circle he wouldn't let me remain at the wall - I had to be right there next to him touching him for him to feel safe.

But, there is a new speech therapist working with him (an associate of Ms. Erin) and JJ has been doing GREAT with her.  He isn't having any problems with interacting with her, responding to her, talking to her, doing what she asks him to do, etc.  He is finally feeling safe enough in that environment to do speech therapy like every other kid would do it.  She has added some occupational therapy components on recommendation by the OT who is also in the practice.

My work schedule has increased, so in an attempt to keep working only 2 days a week (except 2 weeks ago, and this week, and next week...oh who am I kidding) my husband takes him to Tuesday morning therapy now.  I miss taking him as I know that I follow through more during the week with the current therapy being worked on than my husband does, but for this season of life this is reality.  The new SPL is very pleased with JJ's progress.

Myself, I see his speech improving stalling a bit.  He still has to be reminded for the /f/ sound.  He doesn't spontaneously enunciate it properly (it is always a /s/ sound).  But as soon as I say "try again" he is able to identify in his own mind the word he mispronounced and do it correctly.  The SPL assures me that this is huge and should be encouraging to me.  He still struggles mightily with being able to sound out /f/ in the middle of a word, and some struggle at the end of a word.

While I don't see much improvement, Sunday we saw a friend we haven't talked with for months and she was quite shocked with his volume of speech, and said she could mostly understand him (even if some of that came from context).  So, that was encouraging.

I was also encouraged that on Sunday we attended a home school kick off picnic.  There were A LOT of people there.  I would hate to overestimate but I think there were possibly 130+ adults and kids there.  It felt like there were 100 kids alone.  Anyway, JJ took off and played with kids that I know he doesn't know.  With everything in the past year we haven't seen this group for a year, and at least 1/2 of the group was new.  Thus, these were strangers to JJ.  Yet, he ran off with them and while he mostly stood off to the side and watched the chaos of groups of kids playing, he did find some to play with and didn't require a sibling to be near him.  It was the best social improvement I have seen yet.

He is also feeling much safer at church.  Which means that he runs from me and won't stay put.  I guess that is progress in one way, but it is sure frustrating!

He loves to be read to at night.  He still needs me to lay with him at night.  Every single night he says to me, "will you sleep with me Mommy?"  Like something has changed in the past 5 years! But it is sweet that he always asks and doesn't take it for granted.  Then every night while we are laying there he says to me, "Mommy I miss you at work Mommy."  Bedtime is the one time he gets my undivided attention.  I love snuggling with him.  He has taken up a preference for having his back scratched.  I also see that as progress as he used to have such sensory issues and back rubbing or scratching was very uncomfortable for him.

Oh, he had a birthday this month too!  It was the week after Beautiful's wedding.  He was sooo impatient for his birthday.  They got back from their honeymoon and gift opening day happened to fall on his birthday.  Thus, the in-laws were here for gift opening...and we had left over wedding cake as his birthday cake lol!  It will have been the best decorated birthday cake he ever got lol!

He is now 5.  I am starting on some preschool activities with him.  He has so little interest that I have to keep it low key or he refuses to do anything.  He is starting to like to use a pen.  Thus, I have him use a dry erase marker tracing numbers and letters.  He likes to do that.  He still holds the pen extremely awkwardly and it shocks me that he can trace so well with that grip.  He refuses to hold it any differently.  I have asked the SPL what to do about that since there is an OT in their office she can ask.  They said to hold off for now.  He used to just do jagged lines closely together...but in the past 2 months he is actually drawing circles/bodies for animals/people!!!!!!!!!  I am very happy about that progression.

I am shocked with his cleverness.  The kid doesn't forget anything that he hears and he can argue a point so logically that I am left stunned that I have been outsmarted by a 5 year old.  One that comes to mind was over the weekend I was telling James and Faith to clean up their clothes.  Usually JJ is in there and creates a mess of what they are trying to clean so I asked him to leave.  He responded with, "this is my room too, why do I have to leave?"  Obviously the correct answer is "because I asked you to leave so you don't hinder your sibling's cleaning efforts" but his use of logic astounds me and usually stops me short.  If I give him one answer now, I can be guaranteed that he will remember it and use it to try to win an argument with me in the future if I stray even a little bit.  I am used to Grace who just screams mean things at me that aren't based in this universe much less logic, or Superman and Faith who just mutter under their breath but do it.  So, it takes me aback to actually have to come up with logical answers.  It is like raising Buddy all over again lol!  Oh, wait, Buddy still argues using logic with me!

This got much longer than I anticipated.  Off to another 12 hour day of work, and looking forward snuggles at the end of the day with this little guy who misses me when I am gone and continues to give me much enjoyment:)

One Of Those Sermons That is Written for Me

Have you ever gone to church and felt that the service was designed with you in mind?  That was my experience today.

This morning started out very poorly when I ended up in a very ugly confrontation with Grace.  Mornings and bedtime are her worst time of day due to medication not being in her system.  This morning was terrible.  I am trying to think through all of the "whys" this morning was worse than usual.  It is always worse when we are on a time schedule.  Usually when she acts the way she did this morning I would have just kept my mouth shut, taken her food and put it in her bedroom where she was need to eat alone and not come out until she was calm.  But, it is Sunday and I have to teach Sunday School so that wasn't an option.  Thus, I did the absolutely wrong thing...I engaged in her argument with her.  Arguing with Grace is like arguing with Hitler.  There is just no way possible that any logic or any positive is going to come out of it.  But foolishly I did it anyway.  I got myself so worked up I was ready to make phone calls to have her placed elsewhere.

Thus, by the time Sunday School was to start she was in her room, my husband was left home to supervise her, and I was off to teach 4/5 year old Sunday School by myself (normally my husband helps me teach).  And I was not in any frame of mind to teach Sunday School.

I taught Sunday School and felt like I got the material covered well.  However, there is a difference between teaching material and teaching in the Spirit.  The latter was not happening.

So, by the time I got to the church service I was even more angry.  I was upset with Grace for her behavior.  I was upset with myself that I allowed her to bait me, again. I was feeling worthless as a Sunday School teacher and struggling with the decision if I should even continue to try to teach or not.  That warring with my reality that if I don't teach JJ won't attend.  Essentially I was feeling utterly hopeless, helpless, and angry.

In church I have to sit next to Grace and put her on the end of a pew so that she cannot disturb the other kids.  This is also the same reason that we have put a small table at the end of our table at home and moved her to that table - so she cannot physically disturb anyone else at the table.  However...that does not stop her from running her mouth, which is what happened this morning.

Anyway...

I was sitting next to her and just being near her was making me angry.  

Then the service started.  Our Associate Pastor ( the one who worked with Beautiful and her husband for the pre-marital counseling and was supposed to officiate their wedding but was diagnosed with a brain cyst less than a week before the wedding and had to have brain surgery) was back in church for the first time and talked a little about his journey and continued needs.  They continue to have a long journey ahead of them.  They talked about the power of prayer for how far he has come.  Then another man stood and gave his testimony of a serious medical issue that was healed with no outside intervention.  Again, the testimony was about the power of prayer.  

I was deeply affected by it.  I realized that I am so hopeless about Grace that I have given up praying about her.

Then, the sermon was about Genesis 16 where Abram and Sarai are given a promise for descendants, but they get impatient when they feel that God isn't working so they try to meet that promise in their own way.  

God spoke to me in a lot of ways and reminders.  I was reminded of the time right before we adopted Grace when I was sharing my fears with the then Associate Pastor and asked him "what if we adopt and the child turns out to be the anti-christ?"  His response was essentially, "God is Sovereign.  If that is what He has planned what can you do about it?"  He challenged me about the role of suffering in our lives and we are not meant to have life be easy.  He is powerful over all, Sovereign over all, and is always good.  The message I took from it was 1) obey God when He calls and 2) don't expect it to be easy.

Boy, isn't that the truth...

God also pierced my heart with the reminder that I have given up hope in what I think the outcome should be.  I need to keep my hope in His outcome even though it clearly differs from what I think the ideal is.  I need to obediently walk whatever path He has for me and quit thinking that I know what the end of that path looks like.  Abram, when given the promise of countless descendants, seems to have thought it meant he would have many children.  Thus, he engaged in behavior to further that goal rather than God's goal.  I was reminded of the many, many examples God gives us in His Word that people thought God meant one thing and responded wrong out of that false expectation...and how often I do the same thing.

I cried a lot during the service.  It was emotional for me but cathartic.  I have given up hope.  I have given up praying for the situation with her.  I came to realize that I have stopped praying because, quite frankly, I don't even know what to pray for.  Do I pray for her to be healed?  That may not be God's plan.  Do I pray for me to be able to endure raising her without the anger I felt today?  I don't know that is the best either as I find myself pulling my heart back from her in the attempt to not be so hurt with her words and actions.  Probably I should be praying for God to give me eyes to see her the way He sees her, hands to love her the way He wants her to be loved, a heart to adore her the way He adores her, and words that speak love to her the way He would speak to her.  

I am vulnerably asking you to help me by praying for me that way too.  I can't do this without others praying for me.  I will do another post about the power of your prayers regarding my mother in law situation and the wedding through the months of July and up until the August wedding.  I KNOW that your prayers got us through that.  Please pray for me in this too.

I am afraid.  I am so afraid of her future.  I cannot begin to tell you how terrible things get here.  She does not act like this for others.  Those who know her would not believe me.  But those of you who have adopted kids with attachment and neurological compromises do understand.  These kiddos are totally different at home than with others.  It gives me good insight for my profession, but I am ready to know it and move on!

Once God clicked that worldview back into perspective my anger with her dissipated and my anger with myself increased.  She cannot help it.  She is a sinner.  She is neurologically compromised.  And she has a mother who is also a sinner with extraordinarily high unrealistic expectations.

Then I started to think of reality.  The reality is that she is difficult.  Very difficult.  To leave the house with her results in huge amounts of anxiety for me that probably exacerbates situations.  There is no way that anyone should engage with her for the first hour in the morning before her ADHD meds have taken effect.  Also, anytime after 6 p.m. is a gamble on how she may respond.

Today we are supposed to attend the home school kick off picnic.  I long to see other like minded parents.  I long for our kids to get to play with other kids and laugh and engage.  But...I have little hope that it will turn out well.  I am always so afraid of being in the van with her.  In the van we cannot get away from her.  Her venomous words when she is angry, tired, and the meds are out of her system are not for the feint of heart.  She just does not stop the words no matter what consequences you inform her will incur if she continues.  I have many times thought I would have a heart attack while listening to her talk to me just from my physiological response to her words.  At home we can just put her in her room and go to the living room and turn up the TV so we cannot hear the words.  In the van that is not an option and everyone is affected by it.  Usually JJ will get so worked up by her words that he starts to scream, then hits and kicks me from his car seat.  It is just so ugly.  I am  scared to go anywhere with her.  I never know how it will go.  She is teaching JJ terrible things, and he does them in public so then people think that he is the one with the problem (not saying that he doesn't have impulsive control/anger control issues too).  Her influence is just.so.ugly.

But, when she is on the meds and not angry she is the sweetest, most compassionate, loving, thoughtful, caring, helpful, precious child ever.  Then I feel terrible about the consequences that I have to follow through on from her behavior when I honestly don't believe she was capable of rational thought.  For example, for her behavior this morning we informed her that she will have to stay home and not attend the picnic.  But, that means that someone has to stay home with her.  Buddy would love to get out of a social event...but that isn't good for him either.  The kid is a hermit and we need to stretch his comfort zone.  Do I stay home?  Then I know my husband would be extremely stressed to have the other children by himself.  Does my husband stay home?  Then I would be hugely stressed to have the other kids by myself lol!  Do we just take her and keep her close to us the whole time?  Most of the time I don't know what the "right" answer is with dealing with her.  

I was convicted about that in the sermon too when the pastor talked about "Man's Folly: We tend to seek God's blessing apart of God's means, or we tend to use human effort to receive God's blessings."  I keep trying to fix Grace via "tools" that are not well backed in prayer.  I know that only He can change her heart and that is what is required...but again, I have given up.

Thus, we usually just don't go out with others at all.  Which means that we isolate.  Which means that the kids don't get to have friend contact.  Which means that my husband and I don't get to have friend support.  But, if we go out and the kids act up we certainly aren't enjoying ourselves and the people around us certainly don't want that behavior around them either!

Anyway, I am now rambling.  I don't know the answers.  I know I need prayer.  I know I hate being vulnerable and asking for help but that is part of the problem.  I know I need to be praying more diligently and specifically.  

I am so thankful that today, a day when I was so upset I would have liked to have just skipped out on church all together but attended because I had to, God forcefully met me right there.  What a tangible reminder of His presence, His faithfulness, His power, His sovereignty, His compassion, His grace, His mercy, His love, and His perfect timing:)

*************************

Well, we went to the picnic.  All 7 of us.  Grace was read the riot act about the expectations for her behavior and attitude.  She was informed that if she gave any argument or disobedience at all we would all be in the van heading home - no 2nd chances.  She did well.  As soon as we got in the van to come home she started up.  I had planned ahead in my fear of her behavior and had brought her bedtime medications - including her sleeping pills.  I had her take them right away when we got in the van and she was sleeping in 10 minutes.  We kept her near us at all times.  She did well and was allowed more than the arms reach that was initially discussed as she ran around within our view with the other kids.   I need to remind myself that this outing went ok.  I need to remember some of the reasons it went ok (although that doesn't guarantee that it will work next time).  The best part about it was getting to see friends.  A dear friend and prayer warrior of ours who has a special love for Grace was there and I got to be real and vulnerable with her.  She listened.  She promised to pray.

It was a good decision for us all to go:)

Please pray for us.  If you would like to be a more specific prayer warrior for me please let me know privately and I can share more with you.  I would also be honored to get to pray for you too:)

 

Finding Joy Again

Having a daughter getting married tends to make one turn inward a bit to consider oneself.  I am been thinking about my own hang ups and how they have affected her while I have been trying to raise her into the woman that God wants her to be. I have also been thinking on how my hang ups may be affecting the process of wedding planning/preparation and her actual wedding day that she wants to be so special and unforgettable, and of course I want that for her as well.

I have learned over the years that I do not like to accept help from people. I have a huge hangup with believing that others help but yet feel obligated, coerced, required, etc.  That the emotion involved is a sense of frustration or even a lesser degree of resentment. I have had a lot of examples of people in my life make me feel that they felt that way.  Out of this I developed a "need" to be self-sufficient such that I would never make anyone else feel obligated to help me or, while they were helping me, feel like they would rather be doing anything else in the world except however they were helping.  I had no frame of reference that others would want to help me because they simply wanted to help.  Too many times I heard people say "yes" to helping someone else, then complain behind their back that the reason the other person needed help was that they were lazy, or incompetent, or...whatever.  I did not want to be the source of those conversations, especially when my biggest need has been to help with our kids.  This week I read an excellent article on what not to say to parenting grieving the loss of a young child.  There are also things to never say to an adoptive parent - one of the biggies is "well, you chose this."  Not helpful.  On so many different levels. Actually, it is downright damaging. Determined to not have someone think that I am just "pawning my children off of them" and abdicating my responsibility to them I have just hunkered down and become more self-sufficient.

Over the years this "need" to be self-sufficient has become an increasing problem as the difficulties in our home have increased.  I have felt more and more alone.  More and more misunderstood (unfortunately I had plenty of actual examples of that).  And became more and more determined to not "bother" others. I have discovered that this has unfortunately led to me actually pushing away well meaning people who genuinely want to help and bless us because it has felt "safer" to do so than to trust someone, count on them, and have them removed or worse, think ill of me.

Last weekend I attended an EMDR training (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing).  I have been extremely skeptical of it since learning about it 20 years ago, but TBRI has strongly encouraged it's benefits so I thought I would at least attend the training.  It is a therapeutic technique used to help people process trauma so they can move forward rather than stay stuck in it.  All of us were required to be practiced upon.  Half-way through the 3rd day I had my turn.  I had remained skeptical up until then despite watching others and hearing of the experience.  EMDR has people focus on a memory of a time they had a "trauma."  I focused on one when I felt not genuinely cared about.  I commonly have the experience that I "know" something in my head but have a hard time getting it to my "heart."  To "own" it.  For example, throughout the horrible process when Superman and Faith's sister left I had "known" and focused and focused and focused on the character of God to get me through.  But it took that one specific moment for it to get it from my "head" to my "heart" so I could really own it and move past the "trauma."  That essentially is all EMDR does.  It just speeds up that process.  So, something I have struggled with for 40 years, by the time I was done with the entire 20 minute experience I was shockingly...better.

Being the skeptic that I am I have been thinking a lot in the past 15 days about what "better" has actually meant, and if it has sustained.  First, it has sustained.  Second, aside from me being able to move on from the hang up of "insist on being self-sufficient at all costs" (and boy have there been too many costs) I was able to really have a heart level peace of "God cares about my heart genuinely, He is enough, and let Him bless me through others - that doesn't make me "not enough"."

The next morning I was driving to work, listening to praise music, and I became aware of the oddest thing.  I was...happy.  Upon deeper reflection I even ventured to say I felt...joy.  Both of those are emotions I have admittedly not felt in a long time, more than a momentary fleeting experience soon to be followed by the heaviness of "reality."  I don't put a lot of stock in "happy."  After all, life on this sin-filled spinning sphere is pretty "not happy."  But the lightness in my heart was a pleasant surprise.  Despite dealing with the death of my mother in law and her memorial and burial last week.  Despite the shock (to all of our congregation and community) about the medical situation with the pastor that has worked with Beautiful and her fiance for so long and now is unable to perform the wedding - resulting in us having to find a new pastor with 6 days to the wedding.  And despite the stress of putting on a large wedding (NONE of which is anywhere in my comfort zone or ability) for our first born beloved daughter and her leaving (320 people have RSVP'd "yes"!!!!)  I am still feeling that peace that comes only from God and has been elusive from me for too many years.

So, practically?  I am so happy about the 320+ people who want to come and share this amazingly precious day to honor our daughter and her fiance.  I am overjoyed that so many people want to come and care for them.  I am focused on the glorious purpose of the day and not the practicalities between now and then. I am, very oddly for me, relaxed (Ok, as relaxed as I think I can get) and delighted with the sheer number of people who have offered to help for the wedding, my being completely ok with it, and not having ANY of those ridiculous thoughts that until last Sunday I was constantly plagued with, and resting in the fact they the have asked to be a part of this to bless us and want to bless us.  I am actually believing that God's opinion is the only one that matters...and it is enough.

I am feeling joy...who knew I could?

Ah, there are so many other little things that are also different, but I have been doing this while printing out the wedding programs and have come upon a major glitch so I must go deal with it.  Not overwhelmed with it, just chuckling and saying to myself, "at this point are you really surprised?  lol!"  In 53 hours our daughter will be married, God will be glorified, and God will still.be.enough:) (and hopefully we will have had enough chairs for everyone to sit on and food for them to eat!!)

My Husband is the Best of Men

When you want to know how a man will treat his wife, look at how he treats his mother.

My husband's mother passed away 8 days ago.  That has led me to reflect on his relationship with his mother, and the excellent man he is.  He always had a special bond with his mother.  He felt himself to be her protector of sorts.  When I have asked him if he has any regrets about the past 6 years as her caretaker, he says that he does not, that he just simply loved her where she was at and that was enough.  He strongly felt that God called him to so attentively care for her, and feels glad that he got to do what he was called to do.

My husband and I met when he was 20 and I was 19.  I always remember him getting his mom special gifts on her birthday/Christmas/Valentines Day, etc.  She loved unicorns so a gift usually involved one of those, some flowers, and always included a DQ ice cream cake.  He showed his mother love through his attentiveness to her.

He does the same for me:)

We moved away to another state, had children, couldn't travel back as much as we would have liked, but still maintained contact.  He still talked with her on the phone regularly.  His parents divorced about a year after we married so he became her confidant and protector. After she retired from her job he worked hard to convince her that, due to her health, it would be best for her to live with one of her remaining 3 sons to be better taken care of.  She took years to decide, and eventually spent a week with each of her other sons, and 2 weeks with us, to decide where/if she wanted to move.  She felt most welcomed in our home and we moved her down her the summer of 2009.  In 2007/2008 she had a falling out with one of her son's after he said he would not honor her wishes of not having a funeral/other issues (after their father died and that son was in charge of his funeral).  She changed the power of attorney to my husband as she knew he would honor her wishes.

So, in June of 2009 my mother in law came down in a truck driven by her other son and laden with boxes.  We supplied everything else and set her up in an apartment.  We were often there trying to help her get her health in a better place.  We invited her over for meals and kid's activities.  Then in February 2010 she slipped on some ice while getting into our van when my husband was going to take her grocery shopping and she broke her arm.  Her health was very poor anyway so this development meant she could not care for herself at least while her arm was broken.  She lived with us for 2 weeks and it was an eye opening experience.

First, my mother in law's health was far worse than we had realized and we got to see that up close and personal.  Secondly, my mother in law completely put me to shame in terms of her attitude.  She was the most unassuming, content, laid back, relaxed person I have ever known.  She did not complain about anything.  She was willing to just take whatever happened and smile and be happy with it.  Of course, there are downsides to a personality like that (such as not taking the bull by the horns and changing the course of your life), but as a person who tends to be that kind of person (or, many may say I am the bull myself!!) it was humbling to have her be introduced into our chaotic family of 7 and just roll with it.  It really touched me to see her in situations that I would feel humiliated in and she just accepted it (needing help).  I began to think about what I act like when I feel out of control and need help, and how I needed to act more like her and less like...the bull in a china shop.

Two weeks into that experience we had talked and talked about her going into the nursing home for a time, then to assisted living to help her with her cares and her diet (her diabetes was very fragile and did not like to respond like it "should").  She also fell randomly and that was obviously unsafe.  My husband had been working on funding, etc and we pulled it all together and got her moved.  I am so glad that we had that 2 weeks of her in our home.  It was utterly exhausting but a tremendous blessing.

Since that time we took her out as her health allowed and visited often.  My husband spent the most time with her.  He enjoyed just talking with her and being with her.  To take the kids meant he and his mother's serenity was interrupted so he only took them about 1/2 the time;)  So, he just loved her.  3 years ago when the process began for her first amputations he was right there.  Through the past 3 years of every 1 - 3 weeks of specialist appointments for her skin breakdowns not healing, he was there advocating for her.  Through the countless hospitalizations (I don't even want to try to figure out how many there were in the past 6 years), he was there loving her, advocating for her, and trying to keep her calm and knowing she was loved...that she mattered.  She wasn't able to make decisions for herself.  She was content to let him make those decisions, another blessing in the midst of all of this.  She didn't get paranoid and fight him.  It was also a blessing that his family members did not argue his decisions.

It was difficult when he had to make the decision to put her on hospice.  Her skin breakdowns just weren't healing and she was in pain.  Her glucose was all over the place.  Her veins kept collapsing so the local hospital couldn't help her with fluids, she needed a central line.  She was internally bleeding somewhere so her iron levels were very low.  One or two weeks before he put her on hospice her hemoglobin got down to a 3.8!  Her dementia was more and more pronounced.  She was refusing meals/fluids.  There are a lot of things to consider at that point personally, spiritually, medically, relationally, etc.  That last week of watching her die while on hospice was difficult for him.

Yet, he faithfully loved her and was there for her.  He advocated for her pain management and her comfort.  He did not let things go but insisted on answers.  He took care of his mom.  He was her protector, her advocate, her knight...her son.

During all of this my husband has worked hard to not just be her son, but also my husband and our children's father.  He has struggled at times to not feel guilty when one of those roles has taken more precedence for a season, yet he strove to keep a balance.  As his wife, I never ever felt neglected.  I always knew that what he was doing for his mother was what he should be doing.  I always knew, that he would do the same for me or our children if the situation arises.

Even in the midst of the last 6 weeks of her life with 4 hospitalizations and the hospice, he has tried to balance us all and be attentive.  There are many examples that I will keep close to my heart of how he has tried to make sure that I knew that I am also his priority.  I have been very touched by how hard he has tried, and succeeded, in doing this.

I am also thankful for what he has modeled for our children.  He has shown them the Biblical example of how to care for one's parents, or spouse, or any loved one: for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do you part.

He honored his mother's wishes and had her cremated and did not have a funeral.  Next week we will have a memorial service and then drive to her home state to bury her ashes on one of her son's graves.

He is a great husband.  He is a great son.  He is a great father.  He is a great man.  He is a most excellent man.  He is the best of men.  I am blessed to be his wife.