A Week to Remember!

10 days and counting with no rages!!

TEN DAYS!!!

That has never happened.

The day Grace started the new medication was 10 days ago and she has been doing so well. I catch myself having the oddest thoughts. Like Monday night when I got home from work and knew she was just heading to bed. Bedtime has been a terror for everyone in the house. But when I pulled the car into the garage and was readying myself to go into the house I noticed something that I had not noticed for a very, very long time...I did not dread coming home. My body was relaxed, I was optimistic and not just gritting my teeth to get through it. It felt like I think everyone should feel when they come home - excited to see their family.

Last night when she had WAY over sugared herself eating all kinds of junk at school it would normally have been a time that the whole family went on lockdown just waiting for the explosion. Watching her jump over couches, her talking and behavior just too fast, etc. used to make us all figure out how to get her contained before the rage hit. But, when we told her it was not a good idea for her to go to Awana while she was so hyper (we had considered letting her have a try at it again) she asked why but did not rage at being told no. She went to bed on time and there was no drama at all!

In fact, she hasn't raged at being told no in 10 days. Normally, any kind of limits set by us are met with extreme behavior. No matter how ridiculous her request was or how carefully we try to set the limit.

All of us are trying to figure out the "new normal." We are all just watching and waiting. The thing is, that the tension in this house as we all walked on eggshells all of the time anticipating what the next trigger would be that would lead to chaos has been lessened. Significantly. Now we watch and wait...but it is almost to just reassure ourselves that she ISN'T going to rage. I would say that the tension level in the house has gone from a 10 to a 3.

Peace. In this house. Who knew?!?!?

If you suspect that a family member of yours possibly has bipolar-like behavior - get it checked out! Medication really makes a huge difference!!!

I have wondered since she was 2 if she has bipolar disorder. However, the ADHD stimulant medication helped during the day and the behavior was constant, not cyclical. So I dismissed the possibility. In researching DMDD since then, I have learned that one of the treatments is stimulants. That explains why she would be better during the day, but of course, because it is a stimulant, it can't be given 24/7 so we still had to deal with times the medications were not in her blood stream.

Saturday was probably the biggest test for me seeing if her behavior the previous 3 days was just a fluke (sometimes she would hold it together for several days if she didn't have any limits or boundaries placed on her). My husband had to take Superman to an all day basketball tournament. I had told the kids the night before to stay in bed as I had hoped to actually get some sleep. Between JJ's nightmares and my worries about the girls' behavior I hadn't been sleeping well. Also, it usually takes me some time alone on Saturday mornings to just get myself in the head space to even deal with the angry, chaotic, venomous, vile behavior that starts within minutes of my first interaction with her during the day. 

My husband came back into the bedroom at 7:30 to say goodbye. He looked like he was scared to say to me, "I am so sorry but all of the kids are awake, even JJ." I just sighed and said, "ok, I think it will be ok." I showered quick and got my head ready to deal with the girls. Whenever we shower we have to have the girls separated in their rooms with alarms on their doors or who knows what kind of trouble they will get into. I got them upstairs for breakfast.

No drama. I was shocked. I watched them eat their entire breakfast and Grace didn't yell at anyone for anything.

Then, Grace walked behind where Faith was sitting at the table. She bumped Faith in the head with her arm. Normally that would have been an explosion. Grace would have been screaming at Faith for purposely leaning back and running into Grace and it would have been a mess ending in Grace going to her room for a long time to calm down. I can't even remember the last Saturday when Grace made it the first hour of the day without being sent back to her room to calm down - leaving the rest of us angry and frustrated and out of sorts.

But...Grace just turned toward Faith and said "oh! Sorry!" and went to her chair.

I stood there. Jaw dropped. And cried.

Grace does not accept responsibility for hurting others (even accidentally) and she does not initiate an apology. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault.  I thought, "9 a.m. and no drama yet! Wow!"

I decided to play Christmas music since I had planned to be baking with the girls a good chunk of the day. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but in this house we haven't played music for years and years. Music means more noise. More chaos. More voices for Grace to just yell over the top of. More stimulation. So we don't play music. I thought I would see how it went and it was great!

After breakfast I thought I would test it a little further and allow the girls to go downstairs without supervision to do their chores while I was making Lefse. Faith was cleaning the bathroom and Grace and 2 loads of laundry to sort and fold (she is an excellent clothes folder - not so great with sorting, but she folds clothes great!). I heard a yell over the music and thought "here we go:( " I flipped the lefse and ran downstairs. I heard Faith laughing and Grace saying "its your turn." No screaming. No tattling. No blaming. No venom. I came around the corner and Faith said, "did you hear Grace?" I said that I did, expecting to now hear some tattling. But then they both laughed and said they were having a "singing competition" while they were doing their chores (both of them were actually making progress on their chores! Shocking in and of itself lol!) and that yell was Grace's song.

Huh.

So I went back to my lefse and they finished up their chores (and did well!) then sat down to occupy themselves. Grace did her latchhook for awhile then asked to paint. Normally there is no way, NO WAY I ever let Grace have paint. But I thought I would see how it went and - it went well!

After awhile Beautiful and her husband dropped off Bella for me to babysit  so they could finish Christmas shopping (2nd time I have gotten to babysit in 5 weeks!!). JJ had been playing his video game time during that time and he was told his time was up - also no drama. Bella slept another 2 hours while I finished Lefse. Then she woke and I let the kids take turns holding her while I worked with the other kids making Puppy Chow and Granola. It all went well.

I think I was tearing up every 15 minutes as I just stood there and contemplated how utterly different the day was going than every other Saturday in 11 years. I was considering what life could have been like if we had diagnosed her earlier. I was worried that it wouldn't last. I was wondering what her future will be like with the statistics that I know about this disorder. Then I forced myself to just exist in the present and enjoy the gift of today being trauma free.

We watched a movie together all cuddled up on the couch. (Silver Bells is a sweet Christmas movie about the Salvation Army). Grace did get a little frustrated that Bella fussed every time Grace held her, but handled it ok. Beautiful and her husband got back and we decided to order pizza, have a fire, and watch another Christmas movie.

I reminded the kids that today, with no drama every 90 seconds, I was able to actually get a ton done so there was time for fun. We rarely have down time together because I am constantly sending someone to their room for fighting, or telling them 100 times to get their chores done, or whatever chaos is happening at the moment.

But it was just...calm...

Sunday Superman and Faith had their school program and we actually let Grace come with us. Normally she would be left home with very specific instructions to Buddy on what she could and couldn't do and his eyes had to be on her constantly unless she was in her room, etc. But, we thought we would see if she could handle a high stimulation situation without getting over-stimulated...and it went well too! Monday she was given news she didn't want to hear and cried for 30 minutes, but she did not fly into a rage like she would have before. I just cannot believe the difference!!!!!

I wanted to be sure to blog about this. I don't want to forget this week. I don't want to forget this weekend and forget what a difference is happening right now. I don't want to forget the blessing that we are experiencing right now. Everyone is calmer. Everyone is happier. We haven't had any other emotional chaos on the home. We have had another major decision we have had to make that is changing our lives, but that is for another blog post...

We still have a long road ahead of us, but I am so thankful for a diagnoses and a treatment plan.

I am so thankful for hope:) God has been present with us throughout this journey and I am trusting His timing and sovereignty in this situation.

Nightmares and Migraines

Last night someone had asked me about my headaches and what I had done to help them. It occurred to me that I haven't had one in months. I used to get migraines frequently. I changed food, hydration, supplements, massages, chiropractic adjustments, and all kinds of things to stop the headaches. I also noticed that they were worse during allergy season. I don't get typical seasonal allergy symptoms at all, but the migraines were much more frequent. Tylenol didn't touch them, but if I took an Aleve Cold and Sinus it was gone in hours instead of days. Odd (what about me isn't odd?!?!) Anyway, I was doing pretty good for awhile but I have one starting this morning and am reminded what the biggest culprit for me is..

not enough sleep.

JJ was sleeping so good for about 6 weeks after we got the hot tub. He would get in it every evening and it was helping him with falling asleep and sleeping through the night almost every night. It think he only got up 3 times in 6 weeks. I had such refreshing sleep, no headaches, and loved it.

Of all of the sleep problems that we have dealt with with him, now it is nightmares. He used to just come into our bed, cling to me for safety, and fall right back asleep. However, now he is having nightmares many times a week, and at least once a week they are apparently so scary that he comes to our bed, sits up, and refuses to fall back to sleep. This morning it was 3:30. Thankfully I have learned that I can do the "dual attention stimulation" that is used for EMDR and can have him back to sleep within 30 minutes. If I don't he will literally stay up the rest of the night asking when it will be light out so he can get out of bed. Nightmares are such an enigma to treat. He used to beg me to pray every night that the nightmares would stay away, but now tells me not to because "it doesn't work." I am sad for him.

I thought maybe he was just claiming having a nightmare as an excuse to come to me at night, since I was really insisting that he choose to stay in his own bed all night. So when he would come in I would say "if you need me come and get me, you don't have to claim to have a nightmare to come and get me." But the way he comes in with his body shaking, clinging to me, and refusing to fall back asleep? I don't think he is faking it.

As my Dad always says, "if it isn't one thing, it is another!"

So, in other news. Grace has been great this week. She has not had a meltdown since Monday. That is the longest ever! She admits that she feels happy. She actually smiled yesterday before school and giggled once. I felt so much relief yesterday that there wasn't this horrible oppressive "yuck" of her behavior (or anticipating her behavior) that I did a bunch of cooking and made plans to do some fun Christmas cooking with the girls tomorrow while my husband takes Superman to an all day basketball tournament far away. Normally I would be dreading such an experience, but I am actually looking forward to it!

What a huge difference a week makes! I thank God for the psych nurse and for this medication. The medication does make Grace have a tummyache - but hopefully that will end soon. I am using peppermint on her stomach to help with that. When the psych nurses' LPN called me last week to verify the appointment I had said to her, "we are hoping for miracles!" She responded with, "we will pray for miracles!" I was encouraged by her comment to someone she had never talked to before. Then, yesterday I had to talk to her about insurance. I told her things were going well and how thankful that I was for them. She said, "we will keep praying and praying for Grace. You guys have been through a lot." What a sweet reminder that God has placed His people all around us to help us - even where least expected:)

I will have the kids alone all day tomorrow due to Superman's basketball tournament. I see that as a test of how it can go. Normally I dread those days and retreat into myself to shore up and prepare for chaos and venom. But I am hopeful that it may actually be an enjoyable day with some relationship building:)

It would be better if I was well rested for the experience... hopefully JJ doesn't have any nightmares tonight!

A diagnosis and a plan...

Yesterday we had the appointment with the Pediatric Nurse Practitioner who specializes in pediatric mental health. She was wonderful. She took the time to really hear our concerns and asked very relevant questions. I felt like she was present with us in the room and not just trying to get to her next appointment. She spent a whole hour with us.

She agreed with the diagnosis of ADHD (obviously). She also talked about RAD. As completely weird as that sounds it made me hurt to hear her verbalize that. But she also talked about another diagnosis that, as odd that this sounds, gave me relief.

She believed us. As scary as this diagnosis could be, it was huge validation that we are not just raising a difficult kid, it is not our fault that she is acting this way, and we are not making a big deal out of nothing. It is something. It is a big something.

In the mental health field there is a book that has been revised many times called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). It is what we use to diagnose mental health conditions. It is controversial and many many mental health professionals all want their research to be used or to prove that their viewpoint is better than someone elses. The current revision is the DSM-5. A lot of people are unhappy with this revision, but one good change (in my opinion) was the expansion of the Bipolar Disorder category. It used to be that "everyone" was diagnosed ADHD. Then "everyone" was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. A lot of people felt they were "garbage can" diagnoses for what didn't fit elsewhere. The DSM-5 revision expanded created a new category that I am much more comfortable with for those kids who don't meet full criteria for bipolar disorder, but also have behavior that is "more" than "just" ADHD.

Behavior that is exactly what we deal with in this house.

Tucked away in some research that I read about it, it says that:


"The SMD group had very high rates (≥85%) of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD) over the lifetime"


SMD (Severe Mood Dysregulation) is just the name the research group put on it, it isn't the name of the actual diagnosis as it is currently listed in the DSM-5. But it clearly captures that kids in this category also have a very high likelihood of having the symptoms of ADHD and ODD too, like Grace does. Some researchers argue that it isn't actually any different than "just ADHD and ODD" and therefore there should not actually a new category. But obviously enough argued that it is enough different that it was included in the revision.

Unfortunately, because DMDD is such a new category (only several years old), there isn't a ton of research about it. Especially research on successful treatments. But she was started on a new med and that med has been around for a long time with good clinical trials and results. It remains to be seen if it helps this disorder well or not.

But at the end of the day, I am thankful for a clinician who took the time to hear us. I am thankful that the clinician is hopeful that the medication can mediate the extreme mood swings and constant irritability that she has. I am thankful that there is a medication at all that can be an option other than "just live with it." I am thankful that yesterday, this morning, and tonight's bedtime Grace did well, even with a lot of situations that were outside of her control and routine. She starts therapy on Thursday. We shall see how that goes. It will be very, very weird for me to be on the "other" side of the counseling table lol!
*******

Yesterday we had a pretty good day together, just the 4 of us. Since we had to drive a couple of hours to the appointment we stopped at the Cabela's there and my husband got to pick up some items he had ordered. I played the shooting game with the kids;) Then after the appointment we went to Red Lobster as JJ wanted "big shrimp." He has been asking for "big shrimp" for a few weeks. I cannot believe how much he likes shrimp lol! Grace tried a bite...then spit it out lol! 

We rushed home to get to Grace's Christmas concert for school. We had some items we had to get at Walmart. JJ had a tantrum leaving the store (due to the rushing) and we didn't have time to deal with it due to the rush so it got hairy (I am more than a little scared that many of JJ's behaviors are just like Grace's - except he clearly does not have ADHD. I really hope he doesn't have DMDD too...). I got Grace there 45 minutes before the concert like I was supposed to, and waited in the car until closer to the concert to go inside. She came out crying and said that since she missed school they would not let her participate in the concert. She was hysterical. Hysterical. I was livid. How in the world can taking a child to a psychiatrist office mean they can't participate in a school concert? This appointment was a big factor in whether or not the child even remain in our home and still attend the school. How was it that when we told the school she would be gone, that when the teachers all handed her the slip with her homework on it since she would be missing a day, that NOT A SINGLE PERSON told us that she couldn't attend the concert? We had the option of this appointment or one in February, so obviously we were going to take the first appointment available (who looks at a calendar to see if their kid has a school concert when making psychiatric appointments?!?!). It was a total reminder of why we started homeschooling in the first place (opposed to a school board decision when Beautiful was to start kindergarten...) But, if we would have known ahead of time we wouldn't have rushed home (and would have avoided JJ's meltdown. I was shocked I didn't have to carry him out of the store - only my fear that security would have thought I was stealing him kept me from doing it - at least as he was chasing me and hitting me they knew he was coming willingly...) and would have avoided Grace's meltdown. Ha. Meltdown. Their tantrums are soooo much bigger than a "meltdown."  Anyway. It is over now. Done venting. We will be better prepared next time.

Deep Breath...

However, amazingly, I got her calmed down within 30 minutes and held her while we drank hot chocolate and watched a movie together. Half way through the movie she said "this is better than the concert"  lol! She went to bed (with her new meds) later than usual but didn't have any problems. This morning she actually said, "I am in a good mood." She was surprised that she felt good - and I was elated at a drama free morning!!! She also had a good bedtime tonight. 2 consecutive mornings and bedtimes is as rare as a unicorn. The meds should take full effect within 2 weeks - just in time for Christmas break. Praise God!!!!!

Thanks again for the support and prayers. They are tangibly felt and MUCH appreciated!!

Respite....Sweet, Sweet Respite

I have been overwhelmed with the support and encouragement from my last post. I was so afraid to post it and the response was so much more than I could have imagined. Thank you all for your kind words and prayers. I cried many tears of relief over your messages to me.

Last night a very sacrificial friend texted me and asked me if she could take the girls today. There is no way that I wanted to let her do that. I don't want anyone else to have to deal with what we deal with, or watch every single behavior for lies, theft, etc. I didn't want the girls to feel rewarded for their behavior either. Especially since just yesterday Faith stole our itouch (a long broken one, but she didn't know that) and took it to school. My husband discovered it when it fell out of her pocket in the parking lot after school. Grrrrr.  I still haven't found my itouch that has been missing since April. I know she can't be using it as it would show up on the Circle, but I hate that I can't trust her when she says she doesn't have it. 

Anyway...

My friend insisted, saying that we needed it. My husband and I prayed about it and slept on it, and this morning decided to let them go. We needed the break.

I spent 3 hours this morning with them going through a workbook on looking at sin issues in their life like unforgiveness, bitterness, rebellion, etc. Then the girls left for 5 hours. Superman was given the option to go with and play with our friend's son (a friend of our son) or an afternoon without his sisters.

He chose an afternoon without his sisters...

My husband decided to take the opportunity to take him basketball shoe shopping (will this kid stop growing?!?!?! He is only 12 with a size 10.5 shoe!!!!)

That left me alone with Buddy and JJ.  Sweet, sweet respite. I couldn't decide if I should be productive or do nothing. I opted to do nothing. JJ and I watched a funny movie. That was about it. Sat in a dark house with only Christmas lights on and just soaked in quiet. Even Buddy emerged from his room and hung out with us commenting on the peacefulness of the house.

About half way through the time I realized how relaxed my body was. No tension. Just having them gone and not having to be on edge for the next crisis every 90 seconds was such amazing relief. I hate asking for help. I hate accepting help because I absolutely do not want to be a burden on anyone. But I am so glad that my friend insisted that I say yes.

I was so refreshed that when JJ asked to make chocolate chip cookies I said yes! I had enough physical and mental energy to undertaking baking with him. That doesn't happen often enough and normally would never happen on a weekend when I haven't been able to get a break from the girls.

And...I ate oranges and chocolate chip cookies for supper. Because I could;)

I have successfully made it through another day. One I am far less stressed at at the end of than usual. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers.

And a huge thanks to my friend who took the girls. There are not words to thank her enough:)

Being Very Very Real About our Parenting Struggles...

I have written this post 6 different times over the past 2 months. At first I was so angry at what was going on but didn't want to write a post about anger - so I waited. Then I re-wrote it but I was despairing and it seemed to come across as whining - so I waited. Then I posted again from a place of helplessness - but again didn't want to come across as complaining. Then I felt like we were in a slightly better place so I thought I would try again. But now it is bad again. I guess I want people to know that if they have a hard home life, they are not alone. But I also want our friends to know that we are not ignoring them out of just having better things to do. We miss your friendship. We miss spending time with you. But supervising and parenting our kids is necessary during this season as we face making difficult decisions.

I have wanted to become a Psychologist since I was 7. I didn't know the name of it but I knew what I wanted to become. However, as a teenager I became aware of domestic violence and the difficulty that women have in leaving their abusers. That they blame themselves, they think that the abuser is acting better or said they are sorry so will be better next time, and they don't think their situation would really be better if they left. I almost decided not to become a Psychologist when I learned about these dynamics because I didn't think I could have the patience to work with someone who chose to stay in the dysfunction.

Now I understand. Of course the dynamic is different between same age partners compared to parents and children, but many of the cycles are the same.

I share today not to humiliate my children. Grace's grandparent's have stopped having any contact with her because  (they say) that I was too open and honest about Grace's behavior. So I have hidden the realities of our life from most people since that time and grieved that Grace lost that connection with her grandparents because of my desire to be real with people.  But today I choose to share anyway because I want to be authentic and real (even though I am extremely uncomfortable being vulnerable like this). Parenting is hard. Parenting kids from hard places is traumatic, exhausting, and leaves me feeling like I know nothing. All of the training, conferences, coursework, and degrees that I have do not make this any easier to cope with and do not help me find answers to make any of this better.

It has also left us very isolated. There are some people we are real with, but most people don't understand why we never invite them over, don't pursue time out with them (after all, our kids are no longer nursing or toddlers or even young, so why in the world can't we leave to go get coffee, etc??), why when we are in public we can't just relax and enjoy a conversation because we have to constantly know where our children are at, who they are with, or what they are doing. Why Grace has to be in bed by 7 p.m. or else the world may end. We have even had to make the decision that she can't attend Awana because she gets home too late and is too wound up leading to huge emotional meltdowns those nights and the next morning. Even if we have been real with people I don't think anyone can really understand what it is like to be in our home.

For example, on Wednesday we had a day that was out of routine. To make a long story short (be glad that you aren't reading version 5 of this post lol!) JJ triggered and for the next 4 hours Buddy and I had to restrain, calm, and modulate JJ to get him back to regulated emotions. This used to happen 5 times day. Now it happens maybe twice a month. Better...but still unpredictable and exhausting - not to mention very time consuming.

Our daughters are our biggest source of anxiety at this time. They are both very different in their behaviors but they are both very destructive. We have to patch holes in walls and ceilings. We have to repurchase broken items. We have to closely monitor for stealing. We have to verify every piece of information due to lying. We have to protect other kids from violence. We have to restrict behavior, highly structure activities, and have cameras in our home to make sure that we know exactly what is happening in our home. All of that pales in comparison to the vicious venom that one of our daughters spew that is like a millions shards of glass exploding into all present. It is by far the worst part of all of it.

I find that I am like the domestic violence victim. I blame myself. "If only" is a game I often play in my head. I beat myself up that I am not good enough and am not the right mom for them. Version 5 of the post has a long list of all of the ways I feel inadequate, but I don't need to bore you with my ramblings...  Then I see good behavior for a few hours or a couple of days and I think we finally turned a real corner. Or they apologize and promise it will never happen again.

Things are getting so out of control that we have considered that maybe we are not the best placement for them and they need to go somewhere else and get additional help. We have had professionals advise us to do so.

That absolutely kills me and adds to my feeling that I am doing the "Mom" thing wrong.

Then I ask myself what is their culpability in this? With the trauma they experienced before adoption and the neurological issues they have no control over, what are the realistic expectations I can have of them? I don't know! I go back and forth with what I "should" be able to expect from them. I can't believe that I "should" not be able to expect that my child won't threaten me with the police or physical violence. I "should" be able to expect that my other children don't have to worry about physical harm to them or listen to absolute rageful venom coming out of her mouth. Telling your sibling that s/he doesn't belong and we don't really love him/her, we just put up with them? Seriously??!! That undid months of trust building work.

On the other hand, the trauma that the rest of us go through because of not only the behavior of the girls (and JJ to a lesser degree) but the lack of peace on our home, the fun experiences we have to forgo because we can't trust the girls in that setting, or the trauma of trying experiences to have it be a horrible outcome is overwhelming. What are we doing to the other kids by having them stay in a setting like this? My oldest son is a Senior and I absolutely grieve at what we have missed out on over the past 10 years with him because of these issues!

When I was advised by two professionals that it is time for Grace to go to a more structured setting. I wanted to vent and rail and say "no! some new intervention can happen first! We can hold out a little longer! I don't want her to feel rejected and abandoned!!"

But, how long do we wait? If we wait too long she will be too close to the age of majority and we won't have any options left and will have failed her by not pursuing a higher level of intervention sooner.

But if she leaves that makes me feel like I have given up on her. It will scare the other kids that we will "get rid of" them too. There is just no right answer.

My years of working in Corrections and foster care taught me that the system is very broken. I don't trust it to have the girls' and our family's best interest in heart. It is very hard for me to look to that broken system and hope that it will help. Yet, I don't know what else to do at this point. Professionals telling me Grace needs to be out of the home for now. The Sheriff telling me I need to pursue "Uncontrollable Juvenile" papers.

A month ago I sat the 4 youngest down and talked to them about what was happening. I explained that we have done everything we can for the girls but they won't choose different behavior, so maybe they need a higher level of care than we can give them. Maybe they need to live elsewhere for a time. I told them that I have decided that I have to trust God with their future and if their behavior continues I will start the process of letting other authorities decide what is best for them (call the police and let whatever happens next happen) and trust God to navigate that system for them - in an attempt for Him to get their attention and draw them to Him. It was an extremely emotional conversation for me to have with them and the boys cuddled up to me to comfort me. That was humbling.

However, when the conversation was over I asked them each what they thought. While Grace just said she will stop (she says that when she is not raging, but it doesn't stop the next one from happening) Faith took that conversation as me saying I was giving up on her and was very wounded by it. JJ said he doesn't want anyone to leave. Then Superman spoke up and emotionally said that he has already lost his whole family and doesn't think that he can handle losing more sisters.

That slayed me.  Slayed me.

I don't know what to do! I month ago (before the conversation I just wrote about) Grace was raging against us and pushed Superman, I stepped in to protect Superman. We have to protect the kids from her. Thankfully she is so much smaller than the rest of the kids - so far. But we can't always be present. What about the times we are not present? That happens too often when we can't step in to protect. However, there is no protection from her words. They are like a million shards of glass that spray out to harm all who can hear her.

She never does this for others. When I think of her culpability it hurts to know that she only does this around us. Like it is personal against us. She never ever has problems at school. She doesn't act out for the few people we have let her spend time with (only adults). It is only at home. That hurts! One Saturday a couple of months ago she was TERRIBLE! Way over and above her normal behavior. Around 4 in the afternoon I was trying to figure out what in the world was wrong and realized that I had gotten her up that morning and not my husband so we were out of routine. My husband's routine is to give her her medications - and I DIDN'T!!  There was no doubt that her behavior is substantially helped by the medication. She is on the meds during school time. They don't take effect until she leaves for school and they wear off by supper. Mornings and evenings are a nightmare. So, what does that do with culpability? But our other kids have a right to live in a house where we are not hurt by her verbally or physically, don't they??!?!?! The answer is likely "both." She has some of the behavior due to her neurological issues and some she chooses. How do we know which is which and therefore how to intervene successfully??!?!?!

Argggg. Again, helpless and frustrated.

Lost. Afraid of the future. Afraid for the girls' future. Afraid for the other 4 kids. For the grandbaby.

I am tired of being afraid...I am tired of being torn in 2 and not knowing what direction I am to take.

I have a job where many emotional topics are brought up. I don't cry when other's are crying. I can keep my emotions under wraps. The day Grace went after Superman I cried 3 times. At work. I was a mess.

Some people may say that I shouldn't hang our "dirty laundry" out publicly. However, I think there is more damage when people try to pretend to be something they are not. We don't have it all together. Our family is not perfect. I am not perfect. We are hurting. We are confused. I am not hopeless because I know that I can trust God with whatever the outcome is here, but I sure am not liking the process...

I also want people to know that we are not ignoring them! Our life is really wrapped up in containing kids right now. We feel like prison wardens that require a 24/7 detailed watch of our kids. And they still figure out ways to do ridiculous things. That kind of commitment doesn't allow for any fostering of friendships. I am so thankful that my husband, as the stay at home dad, gets to go hunting at least once a week. He has his friends through hunting and gets to get out of the house. I try to allow for those opportunities for him as much as my schedule allows. He is in the thick of it constantly. At least I get to leave for work.

We have an appointment set up in a week with a psychiatric nurse to look at med changes for Grace and setting up counseling with a therapist I trust. That gives me some hope. Maybe unrealistic hope...but hope none-the-less. Since our talk a month ago I would say that the frequency of behaviors is about 1/2 (but the venomous intensity is still just as horrible when it does happen). We write down the behavior daily so we can take it to the appointment. So maybe things will get better. Maybe not. I don't have any answers at this time. Right now I feel like I am just gaining documentation from other professionals so that when it comes time to have to make different living arrangements for them that I have a paper trail of everything that we have tried so we can justify to an insurance company why one or both of the girls need a therapeutic residential placement somewhere. Then I feel like a terrible mother for even thinking that.

I don't trust that the kids will choose to change. I don't trust that I know how to intervene or that a different intervention will even make a difference. But I do trust that God has this situation covered, has a reason for it, and has a plan. Even if it is His will that nothing changes for the next 50 years, I do trust Him. That is all that gets me through each day...and it is enough:)

Bella has been Born! I am a Nana!

All of us wrote down when we thought that Bella would be born. Our son in law picked 11/14. He prays over Beautiful every morning before work and talks with Bella. Yesterday morning he added that it was the day to be born as it was the day he picked. She was such an obedient daughter to be born last night at 11:22 ;) If that continues it will serve them well when she is a teenager lol!

This weekend I told Beautiful that I was working on the calendars that we give the families for Christmas gifts and I had until 11:59 p.m. on 11/14 to submit the calendars in order to get the discount - so she had to have the baby by then if she wanted her in the calendar. We are laughing about these conversations now!! Of course, I didn't have a picture in time to submit the calendars with her in them, so I waited an extra day and used a different discount because she needs to be in the calendar;).

The biggest joke those has been that she came during rifle season. Which would make her anywhere from 14 to 21 days early. She came 18 days early. My husband, SIL, and daughter are all hunters. When they told me the due date I laughed and said she was going to disrupt their hunting week, which is also crazy busy as we are a deer check in station during that week. Since the men wouldn't let Beautiful hunt she ran the check in station while they hunted and I managed children. It worked great...except that now I have to run it (like usual) when the men go hunt. Beautiful got a lot of questions while she was checking deer - she had to have Grace climb up in the trucks to tag the deer since she couldn't do it herself;)

Yesterday Beautiful told me she thought things were possibly happening that she thought was labor. I got home from work at 7 p.m. and texted if they wanted to come watch a movie her husband had asked to watch. I didn't hear anything. After an hour I finally texted our son in law since it is extremely rare that Beautiful doesn't respond to our texts. He said they were at the hospital and the doc was on his way!

I started crying, wishing I was there to take her pain. My husband was butchering a deer and full of blood but I went to him for a hug anyway. Of course I only got the hug after I reassured him that nothing was wrong, I was just having a silly "my first born is having her first born" moment. I had such a hard time with my 2 deliveries and if I wouldn't have been in a hospital with them I may not have survived. With Beautiful we both likely would have died if we had done a home birth. That is why my husband said after 2 kids that we were not getting pregnant again! So it was a bit nerve wracking for my husband and I to wait for news and not be there - like we could have done anything to help anyway. Our SIL texted a couple of updates and it sounded like things progressed well.

At 12:30 he texted to say that Bella was born at 11:22. I had been asleep for about 30 minutes but there was no more sleeping after that lol! I was worried how things had gone, even though he said all was well. Beautiful started texting a bit until 2. Then she started up again at 4:30 a.m. I got a couple of hours of sleep. I finally went to the couch so the texting wouldn't keep my husband away lol! I figured that my first grand baby was only born once and if I couldn't be with Beautiful at least I could be texting with her:)

How unfair that Bella was born so late at night that I couldn't rush up there and reassure myself that Beautiful was well!  lol!

We told JJ before he went to sleep that Bella was being born. He asked if it would hurt Beautiful. When I told him "yes" he responded with "I am so glad I am not a girl!!!" 

First comments:
Buddy: smiles and thankful that they are all ok
Superman: smiles and "awesome!"
Grace: "you are kidding!?!"
Faith: "are they ok?"
JJ: "is her out!?! She is out of Beautiful's stomach now?!?!  I need to go see her! Where is she? I need to tell her I am her uncle!!"
My husband: "Is she ok?"

As soon as we had the kids off to school in the morning we rushed to the hospital. I was thankful that I only had to work for 1 hour today so we could spend more time with Beautiful, Bella, and our SIL, but also because my brain is pretty much mush today! I got to hold Bella while my SIL went home to shower and Beautiful got in a short nap. I can see how content that I will be to be Nana:)

I remember how completely out of sorts I was when Beautiful was born. So many things happened that I did not prepare for and I did not know what I should do. I am trying to give Beautiful and her husband some advice while also letting them make their own decisions. I keep telling them to tell me to back off if I step on toes. I think the hardest part about being Nana will be keeping that strong boundary. We did it well, I think, when they married and we had to figure out the new dynamic. I am confident we will do a good job of it with this situation too.

My Personal Assistant

For years I have wanted a Personal Assistant. Someone to shadow me and keep my mind straight, help organize me, and do miscellaneous tasks for me that I don't have time for. This spring I hired one...my daughter lol!

While she doesn't shadow me or keep me organized, she does do the miscellaneous tasks that help free up time for me to get other things done. She helps me with work and personal paperwork. A huge help is that part of her duties is helping with the younger kids. I don't have to worry about her feeling like I am taking advantage of her when I ask her to keep at kid for an hour, or run the car pool, or hang out with a kid or 2 at the house while they use my ingredients to cook goodies, etc. She even made the bars that I had to take to the church one Sunday for a dinner lol! She is a better cook so it was a good deal. I was laughing today that I actually had to make myself some chocolate chip cookies today since I ate up the last goodies she made for us;)

If I hired a non-family member to do those things it just wouldn't work. She is a good worker. However, the more pregnant she gets the more I wonder how things will change once the baby is born. She has promised me, though, that Thursday will be Nana days. It is my day off of work and I will get to cuddle Bella those days. I am so excited to be a grandma!

Anyway, I am learning that having Beautiful as my Personal Assistant means that I have to actually be organized enough to tell her what to get done when she shows up for work. Often she asks me what she should be doing next and I haven't gotten myself organized;)  Last week we spent 6+ hours doing sorting and filing for personal and business receipts, etc. Then I spent the next day for 6 hours entering year end data for taxes (yuck!). I had to laugh as she was pretty disgusted with my lack of organization. She said, "you know that when you die I am just throwing all of this away, right?"  I guess I won't need any of the receipts for tax purposes after I die so it will be fine lol! We said that we would stay on top of filing monthly now to make it less arduous. I think one of my problems is that I don't have an office. Maybe once more kids move away I can free up a bedroom for an office but right now I don't have the space for that so it makes it harder to keep things sorted. When we bought this house and remodeled we did it for a family of 4 - that would have been plenty spacious lol!

The biggest change has been my purchasing and now attempting to use a new program for my private practice. It has been a nightmare for me to learn how to use - although once I actually figure out components I am thrilled with how easy it is to use. It is just that steep, REALLY steep, learning curve that I always have with electronics...sigh...  But she is helping me keep other areas organized.

I am thankful for her help and her flexibility. She is keeps forcing me to keep paperwork a priority when the issues with the kids tend to be in crisis mode and the "squeaky wheel gets the grease." We will see how things change once Bella comes, but my hope is that we will make up a new routine and it will work fine. There will be no shortage of people to "watch" Bella. My husband might actually even stick around the house more just so he can get his time with her.  Hunting...grand-daughter... Hmmm.. it will be fun to see which he chooses lol!

So Thankful for Our Hot tub!!

Yesterday was 4 weeks since our hot tub was installed and fully functional. I must say that I am pleased with the results. By far the best outcome so far is that JJ has slept through the night for 29 nights straight!

29 nights! That has never happened in his 7 years!

I know that when people can't sleep they say to drink warm milk or to take a hot bath. Well, we have made him get in the hot tub every night (and by extension I get to as well lol!) He is falling asleep faster and staying asleep in his own bed. The week before we got the hot tub running he had a night when he was up until 1 and one he was up until 3. Now he has been asleep most nights by 11ish. We also got him a fuzzy, soft electric blanket so that keeps him warm all night long. He used to kick off his blankets then crawl in our bed frozen, but I think the hot tub is calming his body enough to sleep and the electric blanket is helping him stay just warm enough to sleep through the night.

I just hope it continues! 

I will say, while I was hesitant to spend the money on a hot tub, a month of sleeping through the night, for the first time since before he came (because of my herniated disk pain before he came) has been worth the cost:)

My back pain also also been improved. I sit in it every day and have found that I am much less sore than usual. I was having a lot of increased pain before we got it, and it seems to be better. I have several times a day when I bend over to pick something up and have no pain. That is very rare for me and when it first was happening 3 weeks ago I would tear up because it was so wonderful to not have the constant chronic pain. I am happy that I am now getting used to being pretty much pain free - but will not take it for granted!  Yesterday I sewed a baby blanket requiring me to sit on the floor some (which I normally cannot do) and stood and chopped peppers to freeze from the garden. Both of those things would usually leave me pretty stiff the next morning. But here I am without any stiffness.

Loving it!

Another benefit has been the calming it gives to my sensory challenged kids. I learned years ago that when the kids are in their "completely out of control" state, that a hot bath is the only way I can get them to calm down. I don't know if it is the heat of the water, the tactile sensory stimulation, or what it is. But it has been very helpful with Grace. If I suggest a bath to her, she always says yes. When JJ is out of control he won't say yes. But we have had a couple of his intense tantrums in the past few days and once I got him to stop hurting me I asked him to get in the hot tub. He usually calms much faster, within minutes.

Brain research shows that there are 2 kinds of tantrums - one where the kid is mad and wanting their own way. Typical tantrum. But for kids with trauma or neurological "stuff," there is another type of tantrum where the kid's brain fires into "all alert" and goes into "fight, flight, or freeze" mode. We have one kid who goes into "freeze" mode. It is scary to watch it. A deer in the headlights experience where it is clear that no information is being processed other than FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.

When our kiddos who go into "fight" mode have their tantrums, it is also scary but mostly from the aspect of keeping us safe, then our property. It is hard to deal with the venom that comes out of their mouths during those times, but what is probably most difficult is the intense shame that happens once their brain calms. They then realize what they did and are worried about the rip to the relationship because of their behavior. If we treated them with harshness in that time frame, it adds to their shame core. But when we physically reconnect with hugs and snuggles and letting them know that we still love them, then relationship repairs much quicker.  Initially they push against us, wanting to push us away before we (in their minds) push them away. In their fear of rejection pushing against us gives them the control. We work through that and move forward. It is frustrating when it happens over, and over, and over...and over. But we also realize that they have little control over it. It is improving with time:)

Anyway, for some reason having them get into the hot tub calms them very quickly and we don't have near as many of the after effects.

I am not so naive as to believe that our hot tub has made sleeping and tantrums all better now. But it is a tool that is working for now, and for that I am thankful for the blessing that it is:)

Living with Chronic Back Pain

Irony: Getting a hot tub hoping that it will help ease the pain of chronic back pain, but hurting your back so badly while cleaning the area the tub will go that you are in constant pain.

I was diagnosed with a herniated disk in my lower back 7 years ago. A month before JJ came. I have come a long, long way since then. There have been years when I hardly have any pain. I have learned what I can and cannot do. I see the chiropractor regularly, do traction regularly, and see a massage therapist. I know there are a lot of things that I cannot do - like garden. But I do the canning so my husband doesn't mind the gardening. Mostly I can't lift or twist.

Last week, after 15 years of talking about it, we bought a hot tub. It is some kind of "circuit therapy" hot tub that has 5 different seats in it with different jets that I am supposed to spend a few minutes in each of the seats to get pain relief. We will see if it helps.

15 years ago when we were buying our house and remodeling it we built on a cement room. The roof of our addition is our deck that comes off of the main level of the house, and the addition is off the walk out from the basement. It was specifically built with over 8 foot commercial doors to be able to fit a hot tub through.

But then we weren't done having children like we thought, and had 4 more kids so the plan was put on hold;)

My back pain has been, for an unknown reason, getting worse again on and off since February. We decided on the hot tub. I went to clean the addition out thinking I was feeling pretty good that day.

Bad idea.

I haven't been in this much pain for a long time:(

I feel guilty that I can't be the mom who jumps on the trampoline, runs with, plays ball with, etc my kids. I have learned that I can't sit or stand for too long at a time. I have had to learn how to sit and how to stand so that I am not sore. Most of the time it isn't a big deal. If I am sore it is for a day or so. But today I am on day 5 and it is getting worse. I go in for traction tomorrow so am hopeful I will feel better by Monday. It usually isn't too bad since I can find a position sitting or standing that is pain free and just stay in it. But this time I can't find a pain free position. Just positions that don't hurt as much, for short periods of time. Sometimes I just sit and tear up because the pain is so bad. But, it could be worse.

I can still work. I am thankful I have a job that is not strenuous labor. I am thankful for an able bodied husband who is able to finish preparing the addition for the hot tub (we were working together that day, I was not doing it by myself. Although if he would have seen my lifting what I was lifting he would have stopped me right away... I tend to stubborn to the point of my own detriment.   I wonder where my children get it from????)

Anyway, I have children who are no longer toddlers like when I first herniated the disk. That is a huge help! I am no longer nursing an infant so can take pain meds if I have to (I try not to). I have access to a great chiropractor where I can receive traction and adjustments that help a lot.

I am really wishing the hot tub was here already and am really, really hoping that the hot tub helps. REALLY hoping.

Thankfully I can also still home school JJ while I am sitting still. It helps me to feel productive since I can't do much else lol! He just sweetly asked me to snuggle and watch a movie with him now that school is done for the day so I will take my ice pack, try to find a comfortable position, and take this pain-enforced down time to just "be" with my kiddos.

Camp is Done!

What a week! Sunday we dropped the Middles off at camp. Monday and Tuesday I worked 13 hour days. Wednesday morning I took JJ with me to work for an hour (he hung out in the office;) while my husband and Buddy went to the camp and set up a camper. We have friends who very, very generously loaned us their camper for a couple of days!  What a blessing!

I got home and packed us up and we went and dropped JJ off at camp for his 2 nights. The cabin leader had familiarity with Apraxia and JJ went with his best Bud - we felt that God was working to put people around JJ to help him be successful. Ten months ago was the first time that he willingly left our side to go do something by himself. Before that he had been without a family member twice (with babysitters and that didn't go well).  But 10 months ago he agreed to go to AWANA where he knew his siblings were in the building and it was at our church where he was familiar. Wednesday he actually went to a new location with strangers. My husband and I had decided to camp at the camp so that the cabin leader could get us if we were needed since JJ still doesn't put himself to sleep, sleep through the night, and has emotional outbursts. But, praise the Lord, we did not get contacted! None of the kids knew that we were going to be at the camp. It was a "we are only here if the cabin leader needs us" kind of plan. I was pretty anxious before he left about how he would do, but more importantly, how the people around him would handle... well... "him."

But we didn't get a call! That means that my husband and I had 41 hours ALONE!  No interrupted conversations. We were able to talk about real topics without me losing my train of thought due to kids needing something from me. Or arguing...

Sleep. Sleep was a really big bonus. Being able to fall asleep when I wanted without having to wait for a 6 year old to fall asleep first sometime between 11 and 12 p.m.

Sleep without having to put kids who didn't want to go to bed through a bedtime routine while they were yelling and cranky and stalling.

Yeah, peaceful sleep was the highlight;)

Well, sort of peaceful. Wednesday when we dropped the kids off we went to the chiropractor since I hadn't been there in awhile, was having pain, and we were only 10 minutes away. I woke up Thursday morning in a lot of pain. It was a pretty painful day. We spent the day in the nearest town with a Sam's Club shopping. We have been so busy that we haven't been able to get our bulk shopping done and were out of a lot of essentials (like toilet paper - not a good essential to run out of lol!) Usually Sam's is over an hour away so we don't get there more than every 4+ weeks. It was nice to shop and not have to rush due to kids fighting.

But...after I realized the amount of money we spent at our 4 stops I wish we would have had kids fighting to get us out of the stores sooner lol!  It is all good:) We got JJ's birthday present. Normally I remember that whole pesky birthday present thing about 2 days (or less) before a birthday and have to hurry to order from Amazon Prime. This time we got it done with 3 weeks to spare lol!


********
As this was our first time camping, we talked a lot about if we would like to do it again. We tent camped ONCE when we only had 2 kids. That won't happen again. I am on the fence if I would like to camp (in a camper) again. My idea of being outside is having the shades open, possibly the windows open (which we can't do much of with our kids with allergies), and going for a walk and being able to get right back inside!  So, camping? I don't think I liked the actual "camping" as much as I liked being alone with my husband without interruptions, without internet or wifi (we don't have smart phones), without my messy house or piles of paperwork calling to me saying "get it done already!!" Having a home office is a blessing...and it is not a blessing... The work is never done and it is never shut away. I did have to field quite a few work issues but at least I was able to do that via text since I didn't have enough cell signal to make phone calls.

So, camping as a way to really get away without distractions. Yes! But...honestly that means getting away without our children lol!  If they were with I am pretty sure I would lose my mind.

My husband and I played a lot of games like we used to back before we had kids. We loved to play cribbage...and we played a lot of cribbage the last couple of days. I lost more than I won...as usual... I lost at Ticket to Ride. I did win 10 Days in Africa. So there is that;)

I think we will need to keep the cribbage board out and play more often. We really liked that.


*********
We got the kids picked up this morning (after another last minute chiropractor appointment that I hope helps me not having pain shooting down my arm anymore). The kids were all stinky, smelly, and made lots of friends so didn't want to come home. Except Grace. Grace says she is never going to camp again.

Grace was mad at Faith because she was "mean" all week. Faith let us know that Grace found minnows so grabbed Faith's water bottle to put the minnows in (what else would one do with minnows???!!! OF COURSE you would put them in a water bottle!!!) until she could retrieve her own water bottle to store them in. No, the minnows DID NOT come home us! We always ask for the girls to be separated at camp but they never do. Last year we put Faith in horse camp to keep the girls away from each other but did not do that this year. I suppose it is possible that they will like each other...one day...

The kids all took 1 single shower all week "because our cabin leader doesn't like showers." Ummm, yeah... I can remember that Beautiful loved camp week so she didn't have to take a shower all week, and would shower on the last day just so we wouldn't know she was a mess the rest of the week lol!  I love the stories she tells now that she is out of the house and doesn't have to worry about getting in trouble anymore lol!

Superman has a hoarse voice from all of the yelling and carrying on that he does. I swear that he is going to be a sports announcer with all of the talking, play by plays, and excitement about the action that he gets into...

JJ... JJ latched himself onto a bunch of older boys who seem to have taken him under their wing and become kind of "protectors." We watched them all together for awhile and they all treated him well. I don't know exactly how he attached himself to them (he is used to being around older kids, being the youngest in our crew), but it seems to have gone well. Boys were even coming up to him and hugging him or giving him "secret handshakes" good-bye.  He says he wants to go back next year. If we can make that happen, YAY!!!


*********
You  may be wondering, what happened to our other kid? The other one who lives with us? The 17 year old hermit who won't leave the house? Well, he LOVED having the entire house to himself without any siblings lol! I know that we are very, VERY blessed that we can trust our 17 year old son to be home alone for 2 days and know that he won't do anything he shouldn't do (except play video games all night long;) We bought him a new video game right before we left, took the curfew off of the TV just for him (don't worry, all of my very strict parental controls on the TV are still in place. He doesn't like to watch TV anyway), Beautiful and her husband checked up on him (and took him to Men's Bible Study), and he was quite content.

We had to laugh as Beautiful and Buddy called and texted us. Often. Frequently even. It was nice to know that we were missed;)

********
So now we are washing 4 kids worth of clothes/bedding. Faith fell asleep after her emotional outburst about her sister. Grace calmed down after her emotional outburst about everyone being mean and is now picking sweetcorn with my husband. Superman is just laid out on the couch. And JJ has had me holding him non-stop for 3 hours (thankfully my husband sorted all of the laundry and is washing that) and won't let me out of his sight. Back to reality...with a side of cribbage mixed in;) I am already considering where we might get to go next time the kids head to camp. Maybe we can venture further away from them than 300 yards lol!

I will leave you with this picture. It is one of my favorites from when the Middles came. We had only had Superman and Faith for 2 weeks when Beautiful came back from camp and, as usual, crashed on the couch for hours and hours - the 2 year olds just did not understand why she would not play with them!  Up, Nana! Up!!  You can see just how excited that Beautiful was to have 3 toddlers in the house...ummmm...loving on her;)

Gender Reveal: We are having a Grand daughter!

We are having a grand daughter!  Although, on my maternal side of the family that is not a surprise. This is the 5th generation of a first born daughters. We have a lot of females on that side of the family.

A lot.

In fact, we have so many more girls than boys that our family started a group called Ruth's Daughter's Daughters. Why? My great grandmother was named Ruth. She was a midwife who had...5 daughters. Of those 5 daughters only 1 had sons. In that entire generation of cousins there are only 3 boys. So, the women got together starting about 26ish years ago (man that makes me feel old) and started to have weekends together as an extended family (sorry male cousins). I was in the next generation so wasn't a part of those meetings. In my generation of cousins there are a few more boys in extended the family, but my grandmother and grandfather had 3 daughters, and they had 7 kids - 1 of whom is male (my brother). In my generation 4 of the 7 of us have had children, 3 of us had sons - but our first borns were daughters:) All of the 6 cousins in Beautiful's generation are younger than JJ is, so we will see if there are more boys born or not:) The age gaps in my generation are also interesting to think about - My cousins were all born between the time I was 8 and 18 so we didn't get to have the "close cousins" experiences others have. I supposed my grand kids will have the same experience too.

So, now Beautiful starts the 5th generation with...Ruth's Daughter's, Daughter's, Daughters', Daughter's Daughter:)

We threw a Gender Reveal Party for them last night. While parties are not my comfort zone, we were excited to put together a celebration for Beautiful and her husband. And, hey, the house got really clean lol!   JJ had a hard time with the house cleaning. I think he is already feeling pushed aside by the baby. He likes his structure, routine, and place in the world. We eventually got around it but he is already insistent this morning that I get all of his toys back out where they belong lol!

I am not sure how I was supposed to take it when the kids just kept walking through the house saying, "wow! this is really clean!" and "wow! the food all looked good!"

I will say that I discovered the secret of a successful party...delegation!  lol!  Considering my first big party was Beautiful's graduation, followed shortly thereafter by a wedding of very large proportions, this one's size was "just right" ;) I had help from an incredible chef for the salads (and beautiful flower arrangement), another friend came early and helped me set up (thankfully! along with the person who helped with the food), and another friend stepped in during cake serving time to assist.

I have concluded that I have amazing friends:)

I was feeling pretty good about it all until someone reminded me that we have another graduation party in 10 months....  :(  He hasn't decided if he wants a party or not. Maybe I can try the same tactic as I attempted with the wedding and suggest (instead of a destination wedding) a destination graduation (or just offer him cash to not put me through having to plan a party). Ok, I am getting a little punchy now. It must be post-party craziness. Any questions on why I do not drink? I am crazy enough without alcohol lol!

Anyway...today I forced myself to do my work out, feed the kids, and get "should have been done earlier in the week" paperwork completed. I am now going to sit.on.my.backside and do engage in my favorite hobby (reading) while attempting to keep the kids from pulling out each other's hair. My husband is recuperating from his post-party mind-fog by garage saleing with our daughter and husband. They have been at it for 5 hours now. They.are.crazy.

In re-reading this post I think that I seriously need to just stop typing. Now.

So, the highlights - we are having a granddaughter! 5th Generation first born daughter! The house is clean! I have great friends! I am a little discombobulated!

God is good:) We are blessed:) And I am excited to be a Grandma!

Summer Boot Camp:Teaching the Kids to Trust Us

Our house is chaotic. Pretty much total chaos. Most of the time. With 2 kids who struggle daily with significant emotional dysregulation it seems like every moment is a ticking time bomb just waiting for some to start yelling or accusing or arguing or something totally out of proportion to the situation. And the rebellion. Ugg...  Every time a kid actually says "yes mom" I about fall over from a shock. It is a rare occurrence.

Peace.

That is what I long for...

So in May I informed the family that this summer was "Summer Boot Camp." I took everyone's electronic devices away, put up the game console controllers and games, and put up the remotes to the TV (although they have slowly earned them back for short periods of time).

My husband and I reminded the kids of the rules already in place. Chores for each kid and no fighting, arguing, back talk, etc.  Essentially, disrespect will be disciplined. More on disrespect below...

Summer Boot Camp is also forcing my husband and I to be more diligent about "catching" them being obedient and kind. I bought colored poker chips and assigned a color to each kid. They get 1 poker chip for completing their chores, and then every time we "catch" them being kind to one another, first time obedience, cheerful obedience, being willing to let someone else do something first, using kinds words and tones of voices, etc. Once they get to 10 in a single day they get a prize.

*****

Objectively, how has it gone? We are almost 2 months into it and we have discovered some things.

1. My husband and I needed to be more diligent about catching the kids doing well lol!

2. My husband and I needed to be better about being on the same page about expectations, and the same consequences for the kids' lack of compliance.

3. Behavioral incidents have decreased.

4. Life has been smoother with very strict rules (you thought we were strict before? Nothing compared to now!)  If my kids called me "The Hammer" before, I don't even want to know what they call me now lol!

******

I am a person who never really shuts off analyzing behavior, wondering what motivates a person, or looking for deeper meaning. Most of the time the kids get mad and tell me to stop being a psychologist and groan that they were unfortunate enough to have one as a mother. I just tell them that I have always been wired this way and went into the field because that is how I think, I don't think this way because of what I do.

Anyway, I have been more intentional about analyzing their behavior this summer since we are slowly moving out of "crisis parenting" mode and a few weeks ago discovered something that I found interesting and has changed the way that we are interacting with them with, so far anyway, delightfully positive results.

You may think this is an "obviously" moment, but for me it was an "ah ha" moment. They argue (well, 2 of them argue, 2 of them make dramatic comments and stomp off) with us because they don't... trust us.  I am trained in Trust Based Relational Intervention and have been using its tenets to try to dig to the bottom of the kids' behavior and the chaos. When I dug down deep enough I realized that they didn't respect us - because they don't trust us. 

I called a family meeting and talked to them about their disrespect toward us, but also that the disrespect is rooted in the fact that they don't trust us. I gave a lot of examples to them of how we see them arguing with us because they don't trust us, and therefore don't respect us/show us respectful behavior.

"Respect" has been a hard word for both my my husband and myself. I can remember my husband telling me at the beginning of our marriage that we will never demand that our children "respect" us. I came to understand that he grew up with a father that demanded "respect" (outwardly compliant behavior that never EVER questioned his father) yet did nothing to earn it (and much to do the opposite). I had similar conversations with a parent, so it was difficult for us to navigate what "respect" really meant. We have always believed that respect must be earned and not demanded. One can show "respectful" behavior externally, but if one's heart is full of resentment and bitterness (a lack of trust, connection, and belief that the person actually has your best interest at heart) is the external compliance really the best goal? Isn't changing the person's heart the goal (especially in a parent/child situation)? So how does one do that?

So, the new intervention? Every time that they argue with us we now respond with "do you trust me?"

I really want to deeply root in their minds and hearts that they can trust us. Whether this will help or not, after 8 and 10 years of taking care of their every need hasn't done so, I don't know. But I do know that this intervention requires more "thought" on their part. They have to actually think "do I trust them or not?" They have to make a choice of deferring to our decisions, or to argue and essentially say that they don't believe that we have their backs or their best interests at heart. Either way, we are eliminating the knee-jerk rebellion and requiring their response to be more intentional and thought through.

We have also realized that it goes both ways. Just yesterday we accidentally discovered that a couple of the kids had done something that was extra over and above their normal disobedient behavior. We sat them down and talked, once again, about how we want them to trust us and know that we are here for them. They do not have to be afraid of us (I believe that fear is the root of lack of trust, anger, etc). The kids confessed their sin openly (quite honestly, shocking us) and it appeared they were genuinely remorseful and had no problem with the severity of the consequence. We talked about how we know it is hard for them to trust us based on what they have experienced in their lives. However, we also wanted to impress upon them that it is hard for us to trust them when they act this way and they need to understand that is why we have such strict rules. We simply can't trust them. But we want to. We discussed how we know how they feel struggling to trust us, like we struggle to trust them.

********

So, qualitatively what have we seen since this has started? 

It has been different with each kid but I think that all of them show an increased trust in us.

Superman: He is initiating hugs and snuggling more. In the 9 years he has been with us I can count on 2 hands the number of time he has initiated a hug. He seems more at peace. He is opening up more. He seems to be genuinely submitting to our authority (trusting us) and decisions without the anger that has always been present but underlying his "mask."

Grace: She still argues, but she stops sooner. That is a major, major improvement. She apologizes more readily, and she actually says "yes Mom" or "yes Dad" or "ok" several times a day. It shocks me every.single.time. Every time she has a major tantrum she has to go to bed early that night. That is her most hated consequence. Quite honestly, she goes to bed early most nights (which means we have quieter evenings and we can devote more time to the other kids which is making a noticeable difference in our relationships with them). But we have found that the more she realizes that we are serious the more she works toward self-control. We caught her laughing with the other kids about me forgetting about a consequence and her getting away with doing something. We write them down now. It doesn't happen anymore lol!

Faith: She is doing SO much better than she was. Gradually since the March she has become a very different child than she was the previous 18 months (well, 3+ years). I am so thankful! She wants a lot of holding, is opening up more, and is far more compliant, and far more willing to accept consequences when she messes up. 

JJ: JJ is a tough nut to crack. Since he can finally talk more or less in a way that can be understood, he has been insistent to have his voice "heard." We are thankful that he "speaks" much less with aggressive behavior now, but his arguing skills, attention to detail, memory of situations that have happened before, memory of every "yes you can do that" ever uttered, and ability to sniff out loopholes in logic would make him an excellent attorney one day.

We had struggled several months ago until recently with him deciding that I was no longer to hug him, kiss him, or snuggle with him. He would tell me that he wanted to go live with his "real mom." He said a lot of things that really hurt. But in the last month he is really coming around again. For a kid who has begged me for years to "hold me" for hours a day to being physically rejected has been hard. But it is getting back to a better place. He is less angry. He initiates hugs, kisses, giving me a neck rub, and snuggles. He laughs and gets silly when I hug and kiss him. He seems to be back to the way that he was. 

Of course, when I ask him "do you trust me?" He will say "no" and laugh - ever the contradictory child;)

So, overall I am so thankful that God has given us the wisdom to see what seems to be going on with the kids. They are at a dangerous age and we need to be on solid ground moving forward. They need to trust us. I think that we are getting there. I have more hope than I have had in many years. More often I am feeling the peace and laughter in our home that has been lacking for too long. We are actually able to go out on family activities and have them go better than they ever have. 

I had dreaded the kids being home for the summer, but this has been our best summer yet:) Yay for Summer Boot Camp lol!

Another Timely Sermon

This is another one of my "being real" posts. I appreciate how my pastor often talks about how we, as Christians, need to preach the gospel to ourselves daily. It is important for us to maintain perspective. Hearing the gospel and making a choice for accept Christ as our Lord and Savior isn't just a one time event. We need to keep saturated in the gospel as believers to help us to stand strong.  I heard once that we don't just put food in our fridge, leave it plugged in for a few hours, and unplug it for the rest of the week. Just like we shouldn't just attend church once a week for a few hours and ignore Truth the rest of the week (or longer). I realized with our pastor's sermon a couple of weeks ago that I had become "unplugged." I was still going through the motions but wasn't saturating myself in the gospel. It was getting jaded and it was making it harder for me to engage with my daily realities with the proper perspective.

Raising children is very difficult. Raising kids with "special" needs is also difficult. One of my children threatens my perspective more than the others - although they all definitely take turns. "She" is a precious, loving, giving, creative, hard working, affectionate, and attentive to emotions of others child. However, the impulsivity, hyperactivity, and a complete lack of self-control or emotional regulation at times is overwhelming.  The arguing. Or Dear Lord! The arguing! Please make it stop!

The morning of the sermon in question was so bad that we kept Buddy home from Sunday School to stay with her because we had to go teach Sunday School and couldn't trust her to not act out if we left the house. We put her in her room, then came back after Sunday School to get her. She was completely calm and apologetic by then. I wish so badly there was an ADHD medication that worked 24/7. All because I told her that the hair clip she wanted to put in her hair did not match her dress...

As I was walking to church with her after Sunday School, I was feeling at my wits end. I was already dreading summertime with us not getting the respite we get when she goes to school. I was considering asking someone to take her for a couple of weeks to give us a break. She does not typically act out for others. The people who have had her 1:1 say that she does well with that ratio. She probably would have done better as an only child...  But that is not our reality...

Which leads me to today's sermon. Our pastor started preaching through Colossians the previous week. That was a good sermon too, intellectually. But today really struck me in the heart (so much so that when we had our "what did you think of the sermon" talk during lunch and I was crying I freaked out the kids - they rarely see me cry).

The title of the sermon was "Our Desperate Need and God's Joyful Response." He talked about how we are reconciled with Christ (if we believe in Him as our Lord and Savior) because of His death on the cross. That we have a desperate need for saving and God responded to that need by having Jesus die for us.

In essence, The gospel.

Which Jesus did willingly and joyfully.

He gave the uncomfortable example of the Titanic. In the lifeboats there was 1 captain of a lifeboat who wanted to go back to save more drowning people, but the passengers on the boat said "no" because they were afraid of capsizing the boat and all of them dying. There was a boat where the people said "go save more people" but the captain of the lifeboat said "no" for the similar reason.  And there was a boat where the people and the captain all agreed to go save some more, and 13 more were saved. Tragic. Utterly tragic. What would we choose in that type of situation? While I want to be like boat #3, I think that too often I am like boat #1.

Yet, we are those people drowning and Jesus chose to die, die for us. And asks us to be like him and care for his people like he cares for them.

He asks us to care for his children like he cares for them. Sacrificially. 

I am desperate for Jesus to sacrificially love me no matter what.  And my daughter is desperate for me to love her no matter what. With a joyful response. 

Uff da.

I feel so beat down and empty...too often. I feel like I sacrifice for them every moment. Everything I do is centered around taking care of these children. How we have structured and live our lives is completely centered around the needs of these children. Yet, do I have the joyful response to their desperate need? Ummm, nope. There wasn't much joy that morning as I heard pounding on the walls, wondered what would get broken today, and heard the hateful words coming from the room.

But don't I do the same to Jesus? Do I really have my heart set the way I need to with Him or am I in rebellion against him in deed and attitude too?

Ouch.

It is good to belong to a Bible preaching church that challenges us in our sanctification process. I know a lot of people who say that they believe in God but don't think they need to attend church. I am not going to tell others what they should or should not do about that and I completely agree that if church is just a ritual to attend, I am not sure what the benefit is. However, if I did not attend a solid Bible teaching church and was left to my own devices I know I would become more lukewarm and isolated, drowning in my own futile thinking. I need my pastors to be challenging me, and I need others' who I know are thinking Biblically to challenge me and encourage me. In raising these tough kiddos I have become isolated. I hardly ever talk to friends, having lost a lot when we chose to have these kids. It is too time consuming to pour into them and pour into friendships (and pour into others via my job). My best friend is my husband (as it should be) but I recognize that outside friendships are also necessary to help lift us in the Lord. I think we are at a place where I can begin to nurture those again.

To hear the gospel every week (in addition to my Bible reading and prayer time during the week) and saturate myself with Truth when the world wants to keep pulling me away.

That day I needed the reminder: joyfully love the desperate need of my sinful kids. After all, I am just like them and that is what I want Jesus to do for me.

In the past couple of weeks this perspective shift (reminder to preach the gospel to myself) was what I needed. I have been able to maintain perspective and not become as frustrated. I have been able to maintain my joyful response (well, not always exactly joyful but better...;)

Which leads me to my next post : Summer Bootcamp.  I am loving it!

Stay-cation: The Highlights

This was the last year for all 3 of the Middles to attend Royal Family Kids Camp. My husband and I debated and debated if I would take the week off of work and if we would do something special. I felt very guilty about taking time off of work. Being self-employed means that I am never really "off duty." Being self-employed in my field with me being the only employee means that I really am on call 24/7. My job is important to me and I am reluctant to not be available. However, at the last minute I did decide to take the week off. It helped that Monday was a federal holiday so it messed up my work schedule anyway:)

We went back and forth on what to do. Originally I had wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise. However, not only did I not get to my goal weight for our agreement on when we could go on the cruise, my husband feels that the kids are too young to go that far away yet:(  Then we talked about taking a couple of days to go fishing a couple of hours away and stay in a cabin. Buddy did not want to go anywhere overnight so we considered going with just JJ. Then we decided to just stay home and take a day trip. It is not like we ever get to have respite from the kiddos. We don't have grandparents/family nearby so it was a big deal to think about the possibilities with the kids gone. In the end, it was nice to just be home:)

The day before the kiddos left we did some fun things together including going for a walk to the cemetery. The flags were all up and we had good discussions about the meaning of Memorial Day, thinking about the soldiers and families who have sacrificed for our freedoms, etc. Of course, having 3 kids on bikes for a mile each way (Faith and I walked) when the street was busier than usual with others going to the cemetery about gave me a heart attack, but we all got home safely (thanks to drivers who were paying attention). We ordered pizza for supper and got packed up.

Monday morning I fed the Middles and my husband took them to the drop off site for camp. Then he continued on the Menards (see why I did not go with?  lol!!)  The van gave him trouble and then sat in a shop for the next 3 days and cost us the money we saved by not going to a cabin for a couple of days...  I told my husband it is time for a new van - a 15 passenger this time to accommodate all of the junk we haul on trips. He is not on board😛

I spent the day doing deep cleaning of closets and other areas of the house. I have misplaced my itouch and really hoped to find it. I never did 😡. It was so quiet in the house. JJ played by himself well and it left me to be productive.

Tuesday - the times of the day that I dislike the most are when the kids wake up and bedtime. If you have a child with ADHD in your house you will understand. When they wake up in the morning (which is early) there are no medications in their body. They are wired. Waking up to slamming doors and other kids yelling "get out of my room!" is not the best way to start the day. We had 4 glorious mornings of no conflict. I got to sleep in until 8 or 9 each morning. I didn't dread the morning. It was good:) Tuesday I kept trying to keep the pace of Monday but my family started to give me grief about my grandiose plans and telling me that I was on vacation - so I should relax. It rubbed me a bit wrong but I gave up by evening and just went with it. I cannot even begin to express to you how wonderful it was to not have bedtime insanity for 4 days. Again, ADHD medications are no longer working by bedtime which makes the lack of self-control of emotions and impulsivity really frustrating. The day time can usually go pretty well - ADHD medications are a wonderful wonderful invention. But they haven't made any yet that work 24/7 as they are stimulants and if they were in therapeutic levels in the blood stream 24/7 the person would not sleep. Which is already an issue anyway.

Ok, moving on. When we reflected on the week my husband and I both agreed that the best part of the week was no fighting upon waking or bedtime. Hear that for what it is...

Tuesday night the 6 of us went to pizza and a movie. It was a very nice time:)

Wednesday 4 of us (it was so fun to spend time with Beautiful this week!) got up and drove 2 hours to an art museum. We had never been to one before so thought it would be nice to get it off of our bucket list while we had 3 less children to worry about breaking things. As it turned out, it was a good thing they weren't there as I got to see first hand about the debate of "is it art or is it porn?" JJ has not let us forget his impressions of the museum - it being the first thing he told his siblings about when they got in the van after camp and him now referring to it as "the naked place."   We have decided, as a family, that we must not understand art and have no interest in checking out another art museum...  We also went to Cabelas (to make the other 3 adults happy;) I stayed in the car (the van was in the shop so we were squished into the car) with JJ (because we had to carry him out of the museum during a temper tantrum - unfortunately it wasn't the first time we have had to do that and won't be the last - and I was not going into another public setting with him until he calmed down). After a long time we finally went in. My husband had gone in for 1 large purchase. When I got in there he was finishing the transaction. I was handed the receipt to fold it up...and realized that he actually made two large purchases.  All I could do at that point was laugh. He put up with the museum. I got to put up with the purchases;) It is a good thing that Cabelas is so far away that we rarely go there lol!

Thursday I decided that I was going to...do nothing. I did force myself to a couple of hours of paperwork, but the rest of the time I just engaged in my most favorite past time of all - reading. I read 3 or 4 books that day. I really, really like to read:)  That night I got a phone call out of the blue from the prior foster parents of Superman and Faith. They were attending a softball game for one of their adopted daughters and wanted to see if they could see the kids. They haven't seen them for a long time. Maybe 6 years? So I went down to see them with pictures of the kids, and we made plans to get together later this summer so the kids can see them again. Superman and Faith were only with them for 3 months but they actually remember them and think of them as special people. It is hard for them when JJ gets to have written contact with his birth mom, and Grace used to go visit her grandparents. Since Superman and Faith will never get to have contact with their bio family this foster family is their "before" family to them so we try to stay in touch with Christmas letters, etc.

Friday - I stayed up until 2 Thursday night reading knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it again for a long time lol! Then we slept until 8 (I only ever get 6 hours of sleep so that was normal) and trying to finish up paperwork and odds and ends before the kiddos came back.

When we picked them up Faith came out of the cabin and started sobbing so hard she couldn't speak. I got her in the van then Grace came out clearly having cried but able to talk. Then Superman came out with a smile. Apparently the girls had such a great time they did not want to leave their friends (and Superman handles emotion better than the girls - but he was sad too). It is so special for them to have people totally devoted to them for a week (there is 1 leader for 2 kids) and the entire time being just fun with no chores or responsibilities. It is hard to leave that. I love what Royal Family Kids Camp stands for and how they are run. We are considering sending JJ next year. Superman and Grace aged out of the program this year and next year only Faith and JJ are eligible. It is a great program and I know it is hard for them to come back to reality (doesn't everyone have a hard time coming back from vacation?). However, we braced for the transition and it went really well. The kids got along, we got all of their things sorted and washed and put away, and we were surprised by how well it was going. But... let me just say that the bedtime was about 100x worse than usual.

But that is reality. And we are back to that now...stay-cation is over;)

Next post? We have implemented "Summer Boot Camp!"