I don't sleep well. JJ finally sleeps through the night most nights of the week, and most nights he makes it through in his own bed. But, he still doesn't usually fall asleep until close to midnight. By the time I get him sleeping and get to sleep myself it is usually after 1. I have never been a person to shut my brain off quickly at night so when I don't start that process until after midnight it makes for a late night.
Last night I got the bright idea to try the Melatonin that we give to Grace. I figured if it helps her to sleep, it could help me fall asleep.
It worked.
I woke for church this morning very groggy (and was plenty groggy the 3 times various kids woke me in the night as well). I made it through Sunday School and church. During the sermon I tried to pay close attention, but was a bit distracted by JJ in the pew (quiet but not still). I was also struggling to keep my eyes open 3 hours after I had supposedly woke up.
As I was listening to the pastor give an excellent sermon on what we should put our faith in for salvation (what Jesus did on the cross) and what we should not put our faith in (a ritual or the teaching of a particular person) I was suddenly struck by an odd comment. He was sharing about the Greek culture of the time and how people put their faith in the people who were sharing ideas. Then he said some people put their faith in soccer teams. What? Soccer teams? I ran this back and forth in my brain trying to make sense of it. Did they have soccer in the 1st century? Was he giving an example of current day sports as an idol? I was really struggling until it dawned on me that he did not say "soccer teams" but rather, "Socrates."
Ahhhh, now it made sense.
Now, our pastor does not have difficulty enunciating his words. In 15 years I have never questioned his pronunciation of any word. But today...well today I was still not awake and was really struggling with tracking.
That got me wondering about Grace. She is often giving us answers that are in left field. Case in point just to give you another laugh. A few days ago Grace was saying that a girl at the pool was asking her questions about being adopted that made her uncomfortable. I asked Beautiful who the girl was then explained to Grace that Beautiful said she knew the girl came to AWANA, that she needed us to show her Jesus love and not be scared of her comments. I told her that if the girl started to ask any questions in the future to just say, "my mom would love to answer your questions" and bring her to me.
What did Grace hear from my explanation?
I'm not sure. But her response was, "Beautiful is going to teach my AWANA class?"
Whaaaaaa?
Anyway, the way my brain was tracking this morning I think I got a tiny sense of what ADHD may feel like. What a struggle to hold 2 thoughts together, combine it with previously known information, and formulate a logical conclusion. I decided that if this was how Grace experiences every moment of her life I need to extend more grace...
So, an experience with Melatonin has helped me to understand our least understood child better and I am thankful for that.
I am very happy to report that I came home from church, promptly went straight to bed with no lunch, fell asleep immediately and was shocked to wake up 2 hours later having not moved a muscle...and thankfully with a very clear head.
The next time I have 12 hours to sleep straight through (ha ha ha ha...did I just think that to be a possibility???!?!?) I will trust Melatonin to do the job. Until then, I will simply forgo sleep until my children are sufficiently grown to finally let me sleep through the night again. It just will not do for me to be thinking about soccer teams when I am supposed to be contemplating Socrates!
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
5 years...Ponderings (perhaps more ramblings) of the good and the sad...
June marked 5 years since Superman and Faith came into our home. For those of you who were not around during that part of our journey I will quickly recap. Grace came to us at 4 months old in October 2006. She had just entered the foster care system. We started the process to adopt from Liberia, West Africa right in that time frame. After 18 months of the insane ups and downs of "will get get to adopt her or will the birth parents get her back" AND getting referrals for 2 siblings in Liberia, losing those referrals, getting 2 more referrals, and having Liberia close to adoptions thus bringing home no Liberian children and no refund of the money for the process, we were tired of the drama (and trauma) of adoption. In May 2008 Grace turned 2, and her adoption was scheduled for June. The caseworker called us the last Wednesday in May and asked us if we would be interested in two African American children who would turn 2 and 3 the next month. We had them for the weekend that Friday to Sunday. They went back for a week until the Judge signed the paperwork for their residence change (Superman turned 3 during that week), and they came to our home for good the following Monday...4 days before Grace's adoption was finalized.
We were told that they had been in the system for 2 years (since the birth of the youngest), there were no visits with the mother, the father's were out of the picture, and they were ready for adoption.
Yeah...
So...18 months later their adoption was finalized. We did not have to do any visitation or reunification efforts with the bio mom, but we did have to testify in the termination trial...and wait. At the time of the adoption we were told there was another sibling being born in 2 weeks and were asked if we would be that placement. We were so excited...but the mom fled the state. Most of you know the rest of that story.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the past 5 years this past month. The 5 year anniversary, coupled with still not knowing Rose's outcome and she is 8 months old, and JJ being the exact same age as Superman was when he came has triggered a lot of memories, ponderings, and emotions. Looking "back" on Superman as I see JJ at that age in front of me has created so much emotional turmoil that I didn't expect. We brought home kids who were hurting, who had trauma, who turned 2 and 3 the month they came to our home when we had a child who just turned 2 already in the home (who has ADHD) and it has been a difficult transition. It is probably just in the past 9-12 months or so that I finally feel that I am not drowning or treading water anymore, but actually moving forward. It has also been during that time that we have probably seen the most healing in Superman.
Some of the good? They are finally of an age that they can dress, feed, toilet, groom, and bathe themselves lol! They are old enough to start thinking for themselves (whether they do or not is a different story;) Two of them can read independently which makes teaching much easier. Healing has also taken place. The following thoughts are primarily about Superman. He is the one that I can see the most change in regarding early trauma issues being healed, as opposed to just "growing up" maturity with the other two. I will share some of the more benign issues.
Five years ago we went to our annual local festival. Superman had the weirdest, and I mean weirdest, laugh when he first came. It was forced, it sounded like a dying something or another. I remember walking around town once and he let out one of those forced laughs...many people turned their heads quickly to try to figure out what the source of the sound was. Today, he has a genuine laugh:)
Five years ago Superman watched a bit of a live Viking re enactment. He was TERRIFIED. I got him out of there as fast as I could. He was in a stroller and if he could have shot through the back of it he would have. He went into his "freeze" mode. This year he actually went up to the actors, tried on the weapons, and mimicked some of the actions!
Five years ago Superman would be fed 6 meals a day and still have this terrible whine (with no words) after the 3rd serving at any of the meals. He was so scared that he would not get more food. Faith would just eat until she vomited. We had to learn to give enough to them but not so much that they would get sick. Thankfully the whine is no long an issue, although not knowing when to stop eating can still be a problem. They were so skinny when they came, they have grown...and grown...and grown since coming!
Five years ago Superman would be so scared that he would not fall asleep on me or in a vehicle, he would not ask for comfort, he would not feel safe in a hug. He would never initiate physical comfort. If he saw his sisters getting a hug he would come and want to be a part of it...but always just sitting... observing... watching... feeling out his safety zone. Some of those issues are better...some are not.
Five years ago the intense and over exaggerated responses to bugs, laying down on the floor, or a closed door (he would scream on the other side of the door but NEVER attempt to open the door despite us standing there urging him to take control and open the door) blew our minds and we did not know what could possibly cause those responses. Today he has verbalized the "why" and no longer has the responses.
Five years ago Superman would never give an opinion. Kids who have experienced early trauma often do not know how to have an opinion. They simply seek out non-verbal cues to guess how the other person wants them to respond and give that answer. Therefore, if you ask what color a blue block is, they will respond red, or green, or yellow depending on how they "read" the non-verbal cues of the person expecting an answer. Today Superman can give opinions. More. Certainly not readily. He is more than happy to defer to Faith or Grace (the latter who is decidedly NOT hesitant about sharing any opinion on any subject!) However, now when he reads he can give a very accurate and chronological summary of what he has read. Just one example of how some of his early learning issues were not related to ability but rather effects of trauma. He continues to have some auditory processing issues, and we go back and forth if it is an actual neurological issue or if the effects of the trauma have him so hypervigiliant to potential threats that he is not attending well to auditory stimuli. Nevertheless, he is much improved:)
Five years ago, related to the above paragraph, we wondered if he had some serious learning issues. I strongly believed that he had dyslexia and could not learn to read based on his responses. However, he has picked up reading in the past 12 months and now reads constantly. He would not quit if I did not make him do something more active. He loves to read. As I, too, would be content reading 20 hours a day, we often just sit and read together;)
Superman has grown into a very delightful young man. At 8 he is kind, gentle, forgiving, thoughtful, insightful, respectful, playful, engaging, Jesus-loving, and responsible. When faced with new and fearful situations he is courageous. At times he is too kind and I worry that he will be taken advantage of by less kind individuals. However, I supposed that being too kind is better than being too cynical and jaded! The things he has overcome in 5 years, having full, detailed, and terrible memories of what his life was like before age 3, is amazing to me. He is a treasure:)
Warning: This is where the "sad" and "not very PC" portion of my rambling begins...
That has been one of the areas that has been good and sad. I am glad he is healing, but I look at JJ and imagine all of the time that we had him Superman was not being loved on or shown safety. And he remembers. I can't imagine the depth of the injustice of it. I look at JJ and how clingy that he is. People may think that we go overboard with not making him live through situations where clearly he feels fear but it is thought he should "learn to live with it," but I just imagine the situations where Superman had to live through the fear without comfort. It was not a good outcome. It is extremely difficult to teach a child who has learned that no caregivers will keep him safe, that a caregiver will keep him safe.
That moves me on to a topic that makes me sad...and downright angry. Yes, Superman is healing. Yes, God plucked him out of that situation and brought him to a safer one. But...it is horrible that he had to go through it at all! That gets me pondering people entangled deeply in sin and the injustice of their children paying the price. I am not saying that I am a perfect parent. I fully admit that my children will probably have "issues" from my parenting too. However...
Our adopted kids have had to struggle with things that they "should" not have had to struggle with in their young lives. I understand that we live in an unfair, fallen, sinful world but that doesn't mean that it is OK that these things are happening to kids all over the world. I have heard horrific stories in just the past month of kids who DID NOT GET AWAY. I am so thankful our kids got way, but I am still disgusted that it happens at all. I continue to grieve mightily about Rose. I just keep hanging on to this tiny thread of hope that things will not work out with the paternal grandmother and we would get her back. It would KILL me if she ended up adopted into a different foster home. I think of her every single day. I pray for her return every single day. I remember the feel of her in my arms every single day. We are working hard to move forward while still praying for her return. She "should" not be 8 months old still sitting in a non-permanent setting when she has a home right here with bio family willing to take her that, in my opinion, she should not have been removed from in the first place. I "know" all of the "right" answers about it. But my heart is still permanently tied to hers.
This past week we said goodbye to Superman and Faith's next two youngest sisters. They are moving. Sadly, far away. Their adoptive mom and I talked about the similarities between the oldest of the girls and Superman. It just makes my heart freeze to hear about the VERY same issues that both kids have. This bio mom has had FIVE children. The two who were with her the longest (and still they got out of there relatively young at age 2) have the SAME issues. Issues that kids "should" not have to deal with. Preventable issues if only birth mom would have made better choices. Even worse in my "what if" ponderings are "what if we would have gotten her at birth like we were originally told?" Then she would have never had those 2 years of trauma (she is in an AWESOME family now, I am not in any way disparaging their family, just that the girl had to live for 2 years in less then stellar situations). Then I think of Rose...already 8 months in foster care... Bio mom, 25 years old with 5 kids, all removed...how many more can she have?!? Her fb is not protected and I look at it once in awhile. She made a comment on Superman's birthday about it being his birthday...and made it sound like she still had him. Creepy. She did not say a thing on Faith's birthday... The other things on her fb page make me want to vomit. I don't look very often. I find it hard to have empathy... I try...but I have to try hard...
Grace got to have an overnight with her maternal bio grandparents this week. They had a wonderful time, as they always do:) Grace ADORES her grandparents and 1/2 sister who is adopted by them (and aunt and great-grandma:). We are so thankful for them! However, she came back with a piece of paper from the first wife of Grace's bio dad, with names, DOB's, and "issues" of each of the older 1/2 siblings (via her bio dad). Each of those kids have the same issues (and several of them have many more) than our Grace. This just exploded a ton of questions in my mind, mostly around what we are to do with that information. Do we just use it to better understand Grace? Do we attempt to have contact with any of her other 1/2 siblings (aside from the maternal one that we keep regular contact with)? If we care so much about contact with the maternal 1/2 siblings of our kids...what about the paternal ones? I cannot imagine the sheer number of paternal 1/2 siblings between our 4 kids. We know of 10 with only 2 of 4 dads... Maternal sibs = 6.
Then we have the "easy" and "happy" newborn adoption with JJ. This week his younger brother turned 1. JJ turns 3 next month. His sister turns 4 the following month. Our contacts with her also makes me grieve for their lives. His siblings on his father's side are all adults and we know nothing about them.
So what about all of this rambling? I guess I am just grieved, and plenty cynical (although I am the Beth Moore Bible study on James right now and she has some harsh words to say about being cynical!). Enough terrible things happen in this world other than the preventable. How many more siblings will our kids have out there (and the millions of non-siblings) that don't get to know safety? Love? Protection? Food? Jesus? Most of the time I don't dwell on these things...but I guess the reflection over the past 5 years, my grief with Rose's outcome still hanging, and watching JJ at this very specific age has me wishing I could do something about the "lost" 3 years before Superman came, and wondering about the next 5. The good...and the sad...
We were told that they had been in the system for 2 years (since the birth of the youngest), there were no visits with the mother, the father's were out of the picture, and they were ready for adoption.
Yeah...
So...18 months later their adoption was finalized. We did not have to do any visitation or reunification efforts with the bio mom, but we did have to testify in the termination trial...and wait. At the time of the adoption we were told there was another sibling being born in 2 weeks and were asked if we would be that placement. We were so excited...but the mom fled the state. Most of you know the rest of that story.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the past 5 years this past month. The 5 year anniversary, coupled with still not knowing Rose's outcome and she is 8 months old, and JJ being the exact same age as Superman was when he came has triggered a lot of memories, ponderings, and emotions. Looking "back" on Superman as I see JJ at that age in front of me has created so much emotional turmoil that I didn't expect. We brought home kids who were hurting, who had trauma, who turned 2 and 3 the month they came to our home when we had a child who just turned 2 already in the home (who has ADHD) and it has been a difficult transition. It is probably just in the past 9-12 months or so that I finally feel that I am not drowning or treading water anymore, but actually moving forward. It has also been during that time that we have probably seen the most healing in Superman.
Some of the good? They are finally of an age that they can dress, feed, toilet, groom, and bathe themselves lol! They are old enough to start thinking for themselves (whether they do or not is a different story;) Two of them can read independently which makes teaching much easier. Healing has also taken place. The following thoughts are primarily about Superman. He is the one that I can see the most change in regarding early trauma issues being healed, as opposed to just "growing up" maturity with the other two. I will share some of the more benign issues.
Five years ago we went to our annual local festival. Superman had the weirdest, and I mean weirdest, laugh when he first came. It was forced, it sounded like a dying something or another. I remember walking around town once and he let out one of those forced laughs...many people turned their heads quickly to try to figure out what the source of the sound was. Today, he has a genuine laugh:)
Five years ago Superman watched a bit of a live Viking re enactment. He was TERRIFIED. I got him out of there as fast as I could. He was in a stroller and if he could have shot through the back of it he would have. He went into his "freeze" mode. This year he actually went up to the actors, tried on the weapons, and mimicked some of the actions!
Five years ago Superman would be fed 6 meals a day and still have this terrible whine (with no words) after the 3rd serving at any of the meals. He was so scared that he would not get more food. Faith would just eat until she vomited. We had to learn to give enough to them but not so much that they would get sick. Thankfully the whine is no long an issue, although not knowing when to stop eating can still be a problem. They were so skinny when they came, they have grown...and grown...and grown since coming!
Five years ago Superman would be so scared that he would not fall asleep on me or in a vehicle, he would not ask for comfort, he would not feel safe in a hug. He would never initiate physical comfort. If he saw his sisters getting a hug he would come and want to be a part of it...but always just sitting... observing... watching... feeling out his safety zone. Some of those issues are better...some are not.
Five years ago the intense and over exaggerated responses to bugs, laying down on the floor, or a closed door (he would scream on the other side of the door but NEVER attempt to open the door despite us standing there urging him to take control and open the door) blew our minds and we did not know what could possibly cause those responses. Today he has verbalized the "why" and no longer has the responses.
Five years ago Superman would never give an opinion. Kids who have experienced early trauma often do not know how to have an opinion. They simply seek out non-verbal cues to guess how the other person wants them to respond and give that answer. Therefore, if you ask what color a blue block is, they will respond red, or green, or yellow depending on how they "read" the non-verbal cues of the person expecting an answer. Today Superman can give opinions. More. Certainly not readily. He is more than happy to defer to Faith or Grace (the latter who is decidedly NOT hesitant about sharing any opinion on any subject!) However, now when he reads he can give a very accurate and chronological summary of what he has read. Just one example of how some of his early learning issues were not related to ability but rather effects of trauma. He continues to have some auditory processing issues, and we go back and forth if it is an actual neurological issue or if the effects of the trauma have him so hypervigiliant to potential threats that he is not attending well to auditory stimuli. Nevertheless, he is much improved:)
Five years ago, related to the above paragraph, we wondered if he had some serious learning issues. I strongly believed that he had dyslexia and could not learn to read based on his responses. However, he has picked up reading in the past 12 months and now reads constantly. He would not quit if I did not make him do something more active. He loves to read. As I, too, would be content reading 20 hours a day, we often just sit and read together;)
Superman has grown into a very delightful young man. At 8 he is kind, gentle, forgiving, thoughtful, insightful, respectful, playful, engaging, Jesus-loving, and responsible. When faced with new and fearful situations he is courageous. At times he is too kind and I worry that he will be taken advantage of by less kind individuals. However, I supposed that being too kind is better than being too cynical and jaded! The things he has overcome in 5 years, having full, detailed, and terrible memories of what his life was like before age 3, is amazing to me. He is a treasure:)
Warning: This is where the "sad" and "not very PC" portion of my rambling begins...
That has been one of the areas that has been good and sad. I am glad he is healing, but I look at JJ and imagine all of the time that we had him Superman was not being loved on or shown safety. And he remembers. I can't imagine the depth of the injustice of it. I look at JJ and how clingy that he is. People may think that we go overboard with not making him live through situations where clearly he feels fear but it is thought he should "learn to live with it," but I just imagine the situations where Superman had to live through the fear without comfort. It was not a good outcome. It is extremely difficult to teach a child who has learned that no caregivers will keep him safe, that a caregiver will keep him safe.
That moves me on to a topic that makes me sad...and downright angry. Yes, Superman is healing. Yes, God plucked him out of that situation and brought him to a safer one. But...it is horrible that he had to go through it at all! That gets me pondering people entangled deeply in sin and the injustice of their children paying the price. I am not saying that I am a perfect parent. I fully admit that my children will probably have "issues" from my parenting too. However...
Our adopted kids have had to struggle with things that they "should" not have had to struggle with in their young lives. I understand that we live in an unfair, fallen, sinful world but that doesn't mean that it is OK that these things are happening to kids all over the world. I have heard horrific stories in just the past month of kids who DID NOT GET AWAY. I am so thankful our kids got way, but I am still disgusted that it happens at all. I continue to grieve mightily about Rose. I just keep hanging on to this tiny thread of hope that things will not work out with the paternal grandmother and we would get her back. It would KILL me if she ended up adopted into a different foster home. I think of her every single day. I pray for her return every single day. I remember the feel of her in my arms every single day. We are working hard to move forward while still praying for her return. She "should" not be 8 months old still sitting in a non-permanent setting when she has a home right here with bio family willing to take her that, in my opinion, she should not have been removed from in the first place. I "know" all of the "right" answers about it. But my heart is still permanently tied to hers.
This past week we said goodbye to Superman and Faith's next two youngest sisters. They are moving. Sadly, far away. Their adoptive mom and I talked about the similarities between the oldest of the girls and Superman. It just makes my heart freeze to hear about the VERY same issues that both kids have. This bio mom has had FIVE children. The two who were with her the longest (and still they got out of there relatively young at age 2) have the SAME issues. Issues that kids "should" not have to deal with. Preventable issues if only birth mom would have made better choices. Even worse in my "what if" ponderings are "what if we would have gotten her at birth like we were originally told?" Then she would have never had those 2 years of trauma (she is in an AWESOME family now, I am not in any way disparaging their family, just that the girl had to live for 2 years in less then stellar situations). Then I think of Rose...already 8 months in foster care... Bio mom, 25 years old with 5 kids, all removed...how many more can she have?!? Her fb is not protected and I look at it once in awhile. She made a comment on Superman's birthday about it being his birthday...and made it sound like she still had him. Creepy. She did not say a thing on Faith's birthday... The other things on her fb page make me want to vomit. I don't look very often. I find it hard to have empathy... I try...but I have to try hard...
Grace got to have an overnight with her maternal bio grandparents this week. They had a wonderful time, as they always do:) Grace ADORES her grandparents and 1/2 sister who is adopted by them (and aunt and great-grandma:). We are so thankful for them! However, she came back with a piece of paper from the first wife of Grace's bio dad, with names, DOB's, and "issues" of each of the older 1/2 siblings (via her bio dad). Each of those kids have the same issues (and several of them have many more) than our Grace. This just exploded a ton of questions in my mind, mostly around what we are to do with that information. Do we just use it to better understand Grace? Do we attempt to have contact with any of her other 1/2 siblings (aside from the maternal one that we keep regular contact with)? If we care so much about contact with the maternal 1/2 siblings of our kids...what about the paternal ones? I cannot imagine the sheer number of paternal 1/2 siblings between our 4 kids. We know of 10 with only 2 of 4 dads... Maternal sibs = 6.
Then we have the "easy" and "happy" newborn adoption with JJ. This week his younger brother turned 1. JJ turns 3 next month. His sister turns 4 the following month. Our contacts with her also makes me grieve for their lives. His siblings on his father's side are all adults and we know nothing about them.
So what about all of this rambling? I guess I am just grieved, and plenty cynical (although I am the Beth Moore Bible study on James right now and she has some harsh words to say about being cynical!). Enough terrible things happen in this world other than the preventable. How many more siblings will our kids have out there (and the millions of non-siblings) that don't get to know safety? Love? Protection? Food? Jesus? Most of the time I don't dwell on these things...but I guess the reflection over the past 5 years, my grief with Rose's outcome still hanging, and watching JJ at this very specific age has me wishing I could do something about the "lost" 3 years before Superman came, and wondering about the next 5. The good...and the sad...
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