Nightmares, Migraines, Adoption Issues, and a Big Answer to Prayer:)

Nightmares:
As I have talked about ad nauseaum, JJ is not a good sleeper. At age 6 1/2 he still does not sleep through the night consistently. He falls asleep between 11 and 12. He needs me holding him, at least right next to him, to fall asleep. The nights he falls asleep in my arms are the nights he falls asleep in under 30 minutes instead of in 2 hours. And there is no rhyme or reason why some nights he makes it all night long and some nights he is back in our bed frantic to be plastered against my side within an hour of me carrying him to his own bed. We have tried all kinds of things, nothing works, and at this point I just go with it.

One thing that he does talk about a lot is having nightmares. He won't tell us what they are about so I have been thinking that he has been using that as an excuse. He has asked for over a year for us to pray for him at bedtime "so I won't have bad dreams." Then he accuses me of not praying "right" and asks "why don't your prayers work?" when he says he continues to have bad dreams. He even has Beautiful pray for him the nights she is still here that late as an extra layer against "bad dreams" (since mine don't work;) Again, I have thought over time that this is an excuse to just not want to sleep by himself...

...but last week I had to wake him in the morning to get to an appointment (otherwise I would never wake him - that is a nightmare for both of us...). He was still in his own bed. I will never forget the look of utter shock on his face when he first opened up his eyes and when he blurted out, "I didn't have any bad dreams?!?!" So, that both confirmed to me that he is not faking about the nightmares as there was no way that he could feign that shock the second he woke up, and it broke my heart that he was so surprised that he wasn't woke up in terror from a nightmare. I don't know how to make this better, but we will continue to pray over him:)

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Migraines:
I have struggled with headaches for over 20 years. I didn't know they were migraines until just over a year ago. I was under the mistaken assumption that in order for it to be a "migraine" I had to vomit with it. Not true. Since then I have been systematically trying to figure out what triggers them. I go to the chiropractor once a month. I get massages regularly and had to bump it up to every 3 weeks at one point. I work on hydration. I avoid certain kinds of food noticing that after eating at certain restaurants it was bad. I can't avoid taking my children out in public  (just kidding...sort of;) I use Progessence Plus every night and when I got to the right dose it dramatically reduced my headaches. I take a ton of supplements and vitamins. When I feel one coming on I try to take 2 Tylenol and sleep (if possible).  All of these interventions have helped. However, a couple of weeks ago they started coming back stronger than usual and more frequent. Last Sunday I came home, took Tylenol and napped and the migraine was 10 times worse when I woke up. As a last ditch effort I took an anti-histamine since everyone else in the house was have allergy symptoms and I was desperate for it to go away. And it did! I have not been a person to suffer with allergies - congestion, sneezing, watery eyes, etc. But, when I think about when my migraines are worse it is in the fall and spring. Huh. So I took an anti-histamine every day this week and it was better. I woke every morning with a headache starting and it would go away with the anti-histamine. I am very thankful!

The one trigger that consistently results in more frequent migraines that I can't do a single thing about is...frequent interrupted sleep. Sigh...

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Adoption Issues: JJ's mom recently had her 3rd son since JJ has been born. JJ has enjoyed seeing pictures of him and it has started him to talk more and more about his birth family. He has asked to meet her and we are trying to  answer any questions he has. He keeps walking around asking each of us many times a day "what is your real name." I hate that word "real." I keep telling him that everyone has their "real" name (the word "real" is a pet peeve of mine so I keep saying "birth name." Of course, asking him to stop doing something means that he does it 1000 times more...) It really throws him for a loop when his, Beautiful, Buddy, my husband and I all have the same name that we were born with but the other 3 don't. He just can't quite understand the logic of all of that - which is probably why he keeps asking...and asking...and asking...

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago was when this was starting and I asked Superman and Faith how they felt about JJ talking about his birth family, having contact with them, and the idea that he may get to meet them when that was not something they would get to do. Superman responded honestly and actually had some good questions. Most of the time he avoids adoption questions so I was thankful that he felt safe enough to do that. That is one good thing of JJ talking about it so much, Superman has learned that it is not a taboo topic even though we have always told them they can ask anything they want to;) Anyway, I told him that right or wrong I tend to error on the side of answering questions openly and that I never want the kids to feel like there was a time that they felt I held information back from them so if he wanted to know I would share what I knew (in a responsible way of course). The conversation got pretty tough and a lot of questions were asked. I was glad that he felt he could ask and receive honest answers. I was thankful for Superman opening up more during that conversation.

But...something else beautiful also came out that that hard conversation...

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Answer to Prayer:
I have asked you to pray for our girls, and specifically Faith, in the past. Things have been tough for a long, long time with them. We are starting to see some maturity with Grace. She will actually say now that she needs to go to her room to calm down...about 15% of the time. But it is better than 0% of the time;) Bedtime is getting better. She admits that when she goes to bed earlier she is happier in the morning. That right there is HUGE! Over all there is a maturing and we are thankful. Of course, as I typed that she had a tiff with her brother. But at least she only growled and didn't do her normal tantrum. So, progress!

But, things with Faith have had us very, very concerned. Her behavior has been far more intentional and calculating than Grace's impulsivity. Things came to a head March 3. We did an intervention with a group of people on March 6 where she had to publicly admit to them what she had been doing. They prayed over her. She knew that the next step that we were considering was sending her to boarding school. The next couple of weeks I had several situations with her that gave me increased hope. Times when she came and volunteered about a struggle - both before or after (but before she was caught) it happening. Then came that adoption conversation I wrote of in the last section. It totally sent her into an emotional tailspin.

You may think me cruel, but I was finally glad to get some real emotion out of her. Finally it seemed we had broken through to some of the core yuck and she was getting genuine. I had her do EMDR about that and it was a beautiful and cathartic experience for her - (she actually talked about her feelings about her birth mom). And a bonding experience for us. It has "only" been 3 weeks since then but she is doing great! It is the first time I have seen her genuine and authentic with us. She just "feels" more relaxed and at peace. I feel more relaxed and at peace. She has messed up a few times since then but it as been more of what to expect from a typical 10 year old than a 10 year old with attachment/early trauma issues filled with rage/resentment/bitterness/fear/guilt/shame/etc. I am not so naive to think life will be a bed of roses from here on out, but it is the most peace we have felt in the house for years. Years.  I don't have to feel like a prisoner in my own house just to keep the kids in check or fear of what they may do in public. Ok, well, as much fear as there used to be anyway;) I can trust Buddy or Beautiful to babysit and not wonder what will happen. She is earning back privileges she hasn't had for 18 months and not misusing them.

It is good:)

Thank you for praying for our family and for Faith. She is precious and I feel like we have broken through the outer shell and can finally enjoy the real her.  God is good, and He is trustworthy:)

5 years...Ponderings (perhaps more ramblings) of the good and the sad...

June marked 5 years since Superman and Faith came into our home.  For those of you who were not around during that part of our journey I will quickly recap.  Grace came to us at 4 months old in October 2006.  She had just entered the foster care system.  We started the process to adopt from Liberia, West Africa right in that time frame.  After 18 months of the insane ups and downs of "will get get to adopt her or will the birth parents get her back" AND getting referrals for 2 siblings in Liberia, losing those referrals, getting 2 more referrals, and having Liberia close to adoptions thus bringing home no Liberian children and no refund of the money for the process, we were tired of the drama (and trauma) of adoption.  In May 2008 Grace turned 2, and her adoption was scheduled for June.  The caseworker called us the last Wednesday in May and asked us if we would be interested in two African American children who would turn 2 and 3 the next month.  We had them for the weekend that Friday to Sunday.  They went back for a week until the Judge signed the paperwork for their residence change (Superman turned 3 during that week), and they came to our home for good the following Monday...4 days before Grace's adoption was finalized.

We were told that they had been in the system for 2 years (since the birth of the youngest), there were no visits with the mother, the father's were out of the picture, and they were ready for adoption.

Yeah...

So...18 months later their adoption was finalized.  We did not have to do any visitation or reunification efforts with the bio mom, but we did have to testify in the termination trial...and wait.  At the time of the adoption we  were told there was another sibling being born in 2 weeks and were asked if we would be that placement.  We were so excited...but the mom fled the state.  Most of you know the rest of that story.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the past 5 years this past month.  The 5 year anniversary, coupled with still not knowing Rose's outcome and she is 8 months old, and JJ being the exact same age as Superman was when he came has triggered a lot of memories, ponderings, and emotions.  Looking "back" on Superman as I see JJ at that age in front of me has created so much emotional turmoil that I didn't expect.  We brought home kids who were hurting, who had trauma, who turned 2 and 3 the month they came to our home when we had a child who just turned 2 already in the home (who has ADHD) and it has been a difficult transition.  It is probably just in the past 9-12 months or so that I finally feel that I am not drowning or treading water anymore, but actually moving forward.  It has also been during that time that we have probably seen the most healing in Superman.

Some of the good?  They are finally of an age that they can dress, feed, toilet, groom, and bathe themselves lol!  They are old enough to start thinking for themselves (whether they do or not is a different story;)  Two of them can read independently which makes teaching much easier.  Healing has also taken place.  The following thoughts are primarily about Superman.  He is the one that I can see the most change in regarding early trauma issues being healed, as opposed to just "growing up" maturity with the other two.  I will share some of the more benign issues.

Five years ago we went to our annual local festival.  Superman had the weirdest, and I mean weirdest, laugh when he first came.  It was forced, it sounded like a dying something or another.  I remember walking around town once and he let out one of those forced laughs...many people turned their heads quickly to try to figure out what the source of the sound was.   Today, he has a genuine laugh:)

Five years ago Superman watched a bit of a live Viking re enactment.  He was TERRIFIED.  I got him out of there as fast as I could.  He was in a stroller and if he could have shot through the back of it he would have.  He went into his "freeze" mode.  This year he actually went up to the actors, tried on the weapons, and mimicked some of the actions!

Five years ago Superman would be fed 6 meals a day and still have this terrible whine (with no words) after the 3rd serving at any of the meals.  He was so scared that he would not get more food.  Faith would just eat until she vomited.  We had to learn to give enough to them but not so much that they would get sick. Thankfully the whine is no long an issue, although not knowing when to stop eating can still be a problem. They were so skinny when they came, they have grown...and grown...and grown since coming!

Five years ago Superman would be so scared that he would not fall asleep on me or in a vehicle, he would not ask for comfort, he would not feel safe in a hug.  He would never initiate physical comfort.  If he saw his sisters getting a hug he would come and want to be a part of it...but always just sitting... observing... watching... feeling out his safety zone.  Some of those issues are better...some are not.

Five years ago the intense and over exaggerated responses to bugs, laying down on the floor, or a closed door (he would scream on the other side of the door but NEVER attempt to open the door despite us standing there urging him to take control and open the door) blew our minds and we did not know what could possibly cause those responses.  Today he has verbalized the "why" and no longer has the responses.

Five years ago Superman would never give an opinion.  Kids who have experienced early trauma often do not know how to have an opinion.  They simply seek out non-verbal cues to guess how the other person wants them to respond and give that answer.  Therefore, if you ask what color a blue block is, they will respond red, or green, or yellow depending on how they "read" the non-verbal cues of the person expecting an answer.  Today Superman can give opinions. More.  Certainly not readily.  He is more than happy to defer to Faith or Grace (the latter who is decidedly NOT hesitant about sharing any opinion on any subject!)  However, now when he reads he can give a very accurate and chronological summary of what he has read.  Just one example of how some of his early learning issues were not related to ability but rather effects of trauma.  He continues to have some auditory processing issues, and we go back and forth if it is an actual neurological issue or if the effects of the trauma have him so hypervigiliant to potential threats that he is not attending well to auditory stimuli.  Nevertheless, he is much improved:)

Five years ago, related to the above paragraph, we wondered if he had some serious learning issues.  I strongly believed that he had dyslexia and could not learn to read based on his responses.  However, he has picked up reading in the past 12 months and now reads constantly.  He would not quit if I did not make him do something more active.  He loves to read.  As I, too, would be content reading 20 hours a day, we often just sit and read together;)

Superman has grown into a very delightful young man.  At 8 he is kind, gentle, forgiving, thoughtful, insightful, respectful, playful, engaging, Jesus-loving, and responsible.  When faced with new and fearful situations he is courageous.  At times he is too kind and I worry that he will be taken advantage of by less kind individuals.  However, I supposed that being too kind is better than being too cynical and jaded!  The things he has overcome in 5 years, having full, detailed, and terrible memories of what his life was like before age 3, is amazing to me.  He is a treasure:)

Warning:  This is where the "sad" and "not very PC" portion of my rambling begins...

That has been one of the areas that has been good and sad.  I am glad he is healing, but I look at JJ and imagine all of the time that we had him Superman was not being loved on or shown safety.  And he remembers.  I can't imagine the depth of the injustice of it.  I look at JJ and how clingy that he is.  People may think that we go overboard with not making him live through situations where clearly he feels fear but it is thought he should "learn to live with it," but I just imagine the situations where Superman had to live through the fear without comfort.  It was not a good outcome.  It is extremely difficult to teach a child who has learned that no caregivers will keep him safe, that a caregiver will keep him safe.

That moves me on to a topic that makes me sad...and downright angry.  Yes, Superman is healing.  Yes, God plucked him out of that situation and brought him to a safer one.  But...it is horrible that he had to go through it at all!  That gets me pondering people entangled deeply in sin and the injustice of their children paying the price.  I am not saying that I am a perfect parent.  I fully admit that my children will probably have "issues" from my parenting too.  However...

Our adopted kids have had to struggle with things that they "should" not have had to struggle with in their young lives. I understand that we live in an unfair, fallen, sinful world but that doesn't mean that it is OK that these things are happening to kids all over the world.  I have heard horrific stories in just the past month of kids who DID NOT GET AWAY.  I am so thankful our kids got way, but I am still disgusted that it happens at all.  I continue to grieve mightily about Rose.  I just keep hanging on to this tiny thread of hope that things will not work out with the paternal grandmother and we would get her back.  It would KILL me if she ended up adopted into a different foster home.  I think of her every single day.  I pray for her return every single day.  I remember the feel of her in my arms every single day.  We are working hard to move forward while still praying for her return.  She "should" not be 8 months old still sitting in a non-permanent setting when she has a home right here with bio family willing to take her that, in my opinion, she should not have been removed from in the first place.  I "know" all of the "right" answers about it.  But my heart is still permanently tied to hers.

This past week we said goodbye to Superman and Faith's next two youngest sisters.  They are moving.  Sadly, far away.  Their adoptive mom and I talked about the similarities between the oldest of the girls and Superman.  It just makes my heart freeze to hear about the VERY same issues that both kids have.  This bio mom has had FIVE children.  The two who were with her the longest (and still they got out of there relatively young at age 2) have the SAME issues.  Issues that kids "should" not have to deal with.  Preventable issues if only birth mom would have made better choices.  Even worse in my "what if" ponderings are "what if we would have gotten her at birth like we were originally told?"  Then she would have never had those 2 years of trauma (she is in an AWESOME family now, I am not in any way disparaging their family, just that the girl had to live for 2 years in less then stellar situations).  Then I think of Rose...already 8 months in foster care...  Bio mom, 25 years old with 5 kids, all removed...how many more can she have?!?  Her fb is not protected and I look at it once in awhile.  She made a comment on Superman's birthday about it being his birthday...and made it sound like she still had him.  Creepy.  She did not say a thing on Faith's birthday... The other things on her fb page make me want to vomit.  I don't look very often.  I find it hard to have empathy...  I try...but I have to try hard...

Grace got to have an overnight with her maternal bio grandparents this week.  They had a wonderful time, as they always do:)  Grace ADORES her grandparents and 1/2 sister who is adopted by them (and aunt and great-grandma:).  We are so thankful for them!  However, she came back with a piece of paper from the first wife of Grace's bio dad, with names, DOB's, and "issues" of each of the older 1/2 siblings (via her bio dad).  Each of those kids have the same issues (and several of them have many more) than our Grace.  This just exploded a ton of questions in my mind, mostly around what we are to do with that information.  Do we just use it to better understand Grace?  Do we attempt to have contact with any of her other 1/2 siblings (aside from the maternal one that we keep regular contact with)?  If we care so much about contact with the maternal 1/2 siblings of our kids...what about the paternal ones?  I cannot imagine the sheer number of paternal 1/2 siblings between our 4 kids.  We know of 10 with only 2 of 4 dads...  Maternal sibs = 6.

Then we have the "easy" and "happy" newborn adoption with JJ.  This week his younger brother turned 1.  JJ turns 3 next month.  His sister turns 4 the following month.  Our contacts with her also makes me grieve for their lives.  His siblings on his father's side are all adults and we know nothing about them.

So what about all of this rambling?  I guess I am just grieved, and plenty cynical (although I am the Beth Moore Bible study on James right now and she has some harsh words to say about being cynical!).  Enough terrible things happen in this world other than the preventable.  How many more siblings will our kids have out there (and the millions of non-siblings) that don't get to know safety?  Love?  Protection?  Food?  Jesus?  Most of the time I don't dwell on these things...but I guess the reflection over the past 5 years, my grief with Rose's outcome still hanging, and watching JJ at this very specific age has me wishing I could do something about the "lost" 3 years before Superman came, and wondering about the next 5.  The good...and the sad...

Today's Funnies

Happened to actually remember some funny kid comments today:)

I walked outside to check on the kids unseen and heard:
Faith in a singsong voice: "I'm going to Africa and it's a bad place."
Superman: "Wait, you ARE from Africa!"
Faith: "No! I'm Chinese!"
Me: Wha???? I guess I need to work on ethnicity and their beliefs about Africa since we focus mostly on how their parents were refugees and had to leave due to war!

Me: Here are some carrots with your lunch.
Superman: why do we have to eat carrots?
Me: Carrots are good for your eyes so you can see and don't need glasses.
Faith, taking a bite: I can see! I'm not blind anymore!!

Faith: "Superman, remember when Beautiful painted your toenails?"
Superman: "yeah, that was like 12 years ago!"
Grace: "huh? wait, I thought you were..."
Faith: "You were only 3."
Superman: "I was 4."
Faith (in an exasperated voice): "boys."

Grace (sound out a word list to me): "D A D. Dad? Hey, that's how you spell OUR Dad!"

The rest of the kids...

I suppose you are wondering what is going on with the other children? It seems like there are two that get most of the blogging attention:)

Beloved had a great year on a home school basketball team. She won the All Star award for getting the most tally points out of 7 categories. Things like blocks, rebounds, defensive rebounds, etc. She was not the highest points scorer, but I think was 2nd or 3rd. She is such a joy to watch and they won every game she was there to play (except at the tournament where we had some emotional losses).

Beloved is going to be a life guard this summer and has her drivers permit! She is growing up (is very tall!!) and as we navigate the teenage girl stage her father and I are learning to lean on the Truth of God's promises and work in her life.

Buddy and Beloved have the tough jobs of having been "ousted" from their comfortable role as the only two children and being the oldest children on whom much responsibility has fallen. I would be deceiving you to say the transition from 2 to 6 has been easy, but we try to remind them (and ourselves) that God has not called us to a comfortable life.

Buddy, through this transition, has also entered into the pre-teen years and is dealing with "stuff" that we had previously thought was just Buddy's "quirkiness." He is a very, very loveable and precious child that we adore. However, he has many sensitivities to sound, food texture, people, etc that result in over stimulation so we have had to learn to navigate these issues. While Beautiful is our social butterfly, Buddy is our hermit:)

Superman has grown into a very loving and protective child. He is so caring and thoughtful about others. He desires for everyone to like him and really wants to be a policeman to help others. I worry about the horrible things that he would see as a policeman:( He receives speech/language intervention at the public school one afternoon a week. I am thankful that the school psychologist was willing to hear our concerns and took time for extra testing and diagnostics so we could see what was hindering Superman. What we discovered was a severe difficulty with processing auditory information and cannot hold 2 pieces of information at the same time well, especially if there is distraction (What! Distraction in our house?? Never lol!). Since most information is taught auditorily this has been hard for me to compensate for in home school. However, he is making significant progress from a year ago and is actually reading pretty on track for kindergarten as long as we use the techniques we have developed. The biggest problem continues to be in public as he has such high fear reactions in public and where there is so much information coming at him that he cannot process what is being said to him (e.g. stay by us, don't wonder off, make sure that we can see you, etc). We know that he carries many hurts from his past, but he has not yet allowed himself the vulnerability of opening that part of himself to us. He perceives many things as rejection and we struggle with bridging that gap to feelings of safety.

Faith is our compliant and easy child (yes!!! we have ONE!!!!) She is very bright and is learning with leaps and bounds. She is learning very well from the apps on the ipad and she is an intuitive reader and math student. I am so thrilled with how easy she is to teach and how quickly she catches on. I have to be sure to not let her fall into the shadows since she is not a "squeaky wheel." However, out of all of the children she is the most sensitive and emotional. She is a true "princess!!" She needs lot of reassurance, smiling eyes, encouragement, and reminders that she doesn't have to know everything the very first time she is exposed to it. The down side to this is that she thinks a lot about being adopted, about missing her birth mom, about "forever," and deals with abandonment and hurt at a deep level.

There you go, updates in as small of a nutshell as I can get it:)

Sudanese meeting:)

Our first formal family picture of all 8 of us:)The kids:)

We had a very action packed day! We attended a special church service that we do not usually attend. It was very thought provoking...the best kind of church service!!

Then we headed to our capitol city to get family pictures taken. Since it is a 1 1/2 hour drive we don't make this trip often...especially now with all of the kids. We have not had formal family pictures taken since before Grace came to live with us. By the time that Grace was "ours" Superman and Faith had joined the family - so what should the "family" picture look like? Besides...life was so incredibly crazy that first year (has it really stopped???) that dressing up toddlers and driving 1 1/2 hours for formal pictures was totally not in my radar screen lol! Anyway, by the time they were "ours" we talked about getting pictures done but didn't. Then the church directory was getting done so we got a family picture done there...and 2 weeks later we got the call on JJ! God has a sense of humor lol! Anyway, we had fun getting pictures taken and got individual poses of each child too:)

The most significant part of the day was having a meeting with a Sudanese pastor. God ordained a meeting a couple of months ago with a woman who has a ministry to South Sudan with her husband and some members of the Christian Sudanese community. We set up this meeting today to meet him and ask him if he will help us connect the children to the Sudanese culture...yet keep them safe. We have walked a tentative line of knowing the children must be kept safe with us but also wanting them to know their culture. The African American culture is not the same as the Sudanese culture. Their history is not the same. We want them to be able to look in the mirror and be proud of who they are. We want them to look in the mirror and not be afraid. When I asked Superman what he wanted to talk to the pastors about today he answered, "I want them to help me not be afraid when I remember XXXX." This is an important part of their healing.

The pastor was wonderful (the other pastor is currently in South Sudan). He assured us that he would help us keep the kids safe while teaching us about their culture. He recommended a book to help understand the culture. He is also from the same tribe as the children!! We are trusting the God has ordained this meeting and that His will will be done through these connections.

To walk a path not in fear...but to be aware of the danger lurking in the shadows. To know that God is sovereign...but also that evil still permeates this earth.