A View From the Lighter Side...

Many of you know that the last weeks (years) have been stressful for us.  We found out 2 weeks ago that my husband's mother needed her other leg amputated.  That surgery happened this past Wednesday.  She was discharged the day after, then admitted the local hospital the same day after she spiked a fever.  She has pneumonia.  Thankfully she is responding to treatment.

This post is to try to see the lighter side of this situation.  I recognize that I am further removed from it than my husband since it is my mother in law and not my mother.  I mean no disrespect to my husband by anything I say here and he knows that and has read this before I posted it:)

My husband is grieving the loss of his "mom" as her dementia progresses.  It is hard to see her like this.  However, I am also trying to get him to laugh a little...or at least roll his eyes!  His mother is too!

Two weeks ago a staff person at the nursing home brought to our attention that my MIL is telling people that my husband has divorced me, has married a woman named Natalie, and they have a daughter together.  I did not know about this but noticed that my MIL was a little standoffish while I was in her pre-op appointment with her.  Apparently after the staff took her back to the nursing home she told that staff person, "my ex-daughter in law was in my appointment."  That staff person told the RN who thankfully had been warned by my husband of the issue and set her straight.  I will admit that at the time I had irrational frustration with my MIL (I know she can't help it), but now I can laugh about it.  My husband went to her to ask her what she was thinking and she pointed her finger in his face (if you know my MIL you know that she is very meek and mild and pointing her finger in someone's face is aggressive for her) and "reminded" him that he had come in their drunk and told her that story.  Since my husband doesn't drink, and hasn't divorced me, and certainly doesn't have a 7th child, we just try to remind her of the truth.  I had to laugh at my husband though and remind him that with me as a wife and already having 6 kids he certainly doesn't need the stress of another wife and child lol!

Thursday, when she returned to the nursing home from the hospital where she had surgery, she had a fever and was feeling yucky.  We sat with her while the PA-C assessed her and stayed on until the ambulance came to transport her to the local hospital.  She really wanted to be held so we carefully moved her to a sitting position so my husband could hold her.  Her hair was horribly tangled (they must not have done anything with it at that hospital) so I took a long time to brush it out and braid it for her.  It was a sweet time.

At the hospital that night we just sat and held her hands while she drifted between alertness (and much, much confusion) and sleeping.  The next morning she remembered that and said she wished that we had stayed there all night to hold her hand as she had a lot of pain.

The next morning we got to the hospital to visit and they were getting ready to bathe her.  We stayed a bit and told her we would come back later but I would braid her hair again when I got back.  When we returned she was sleeping so I was sitting in a chair when she woke up.  After awhile I got up and asked her if I could braid her hair.  She paused, then said "(my name) is going to brush it when she gets back."  I reminded her that it was me.  She smiled and let me braid her hair again.  She leaned forward and my husband held her again (without either of her legs obviously we were worried she would tip forward).  She really was needing a lot of physical reassurance.  When I was 1/2 done she looked at the chair I had been sitting in, then at my husband and said, "where is (me)?"  My husband reminded her that I was in the process of braiding her hair.  She was embarrassed with her confusion but I tried to lighten it up by saying that I was glad she didn't know I was still working on her hair as my girls usually scream when I fix their hair, so I must  have been being gentle:)  It was sweet that she remembered that I was going to braid her hair and that I got to help in a small way to care for her.

She was pretty confused about things and we had to repeat information to her a lot, but some things she was remembering.

Saturday morning the xrays and labs show that her pneumonia is improving for which we are pleased.  However, because of the pain she has, she is on more pain meds and now a little more...loopy...than usual.  She is more alert and awake, but she is substituting all kinds of funny words so her sentences and what she is trying to communicate is coming out all goofy.  She is laughing at times and we are talking about memories, etc. But I would be lying if I didn't say it is funny to hear some of her sentences.  However, a big part of this is just the dementia.  It was hard to talk with her and know that she will not improve.

She can't remember why she is in the hospital - she initially thought she was in an accident and does remember that I told her it wasn't because of an accident.  However, she can't seem to remember that it is for pneumonia and NOT to pull at her IV and she needs to comply with the nebulizer treatments.
At one point she grabbed both sides of the railing of the bed and shook them while making a frustrated/comical face about wanting out.  It was like a lightning bolt to me that it looked just like her oldest son.  It was also the same face that I see in my husband occasionally and tell him every time, "you look like your brother when you do that...stop it!"  Now I can see that it is actually his mother's facial expression:)

She was very ornery and sarcastic during last night's visit.  At one point she was mixing up sentences so bad and so fidgety that my husband just stared at her while trying to make sense of what she was saying.  She finally said sternly in frustration with him, "you are supposed to laugh at your mother!"

She is the oldest of 8 siblings and her siblings all have...strong personalities.  Ornery, never backing down from the opportunity to tease someone even if it is not the best time to do it, stubborn, and sarcastic would be some adjectives I would use to describe some of them (particularly some of the brothers).  Tonight was the first time in 22 years that I saw my mother in law share those characteristics and it struck me as very funny.  My husband said it was exactly what he remembers his grandmother being like.

So, overall, it is sad, depressing, and the reality of the not to distant future with her is evident with the progression of her dementia and physical health (diabetes, bed sores, etc) even though her acute medical issue is improving.  On the other hand, I am choosing (as my oldest keeps berating me about this problem of mine) I need to enjoy the current moment and quit worrying about the next one:)  I will remember the sweetness of her letting me brush and braid her hair, her sometimes not remembering my name but how wonderful it was for her to remember for several hours the promise I had made that morning, and the love of a mother and son as they hold each other and draw comfort from that unique relationship.

So, a lighter side to an otherwise tough situation.  We are seeking to find the laughter...because the alternative it just too hard.

Current Happenings

The last 24 hours has brought 4 different emotionally charged situations into my lap.  I was hopping livid over the first one, and with the other 3 coming right on top of them it has been difficult for me to wrap my brain around processing it all.

Believe it or not, the child who has bringing me the most stress lately is my oldest (not that she is doing anything wrong!!).  Preparing to launch a child into the world...the first-born...is more stressful than I had anticipated lol!  I mistakenly believed that once she left I would miss her, and that would be the main problem to deal with...then.  She told us what she wanted to study and where she wanted to attend school.  Thus, those things were not stressors.  However, realizing the shortness of time in trying to finish up the last of the training on those character issues all parents want to indwell their children is nerve wracking.  On top of that we have had the basketball issue (couldn't play due to her knees, then got cleared and decided to try a practice, was not well received by some teammates and thus decided to not deal with the mental energy of all that and chose to not play-(I am really minimizing the drama and angst of all of that)).  How she would have had time to play/practice is beyond me anyway.

She applied for a job this past week and we are hopeful she will get it.  It is perfect for her and for her future.  However, it is a lot of hours for someone taking 2 college classes and finishing up her Senior year of high school.  It will be good for her, preparing her for college next year, if she gets it.

Then, those college classes.  Ugg!  At the moment I am uploading her final speech.  Once she takes her 2 finals I think I will be as happy as I could be if it were my own college classes lol!  Next semester she has 2 more classes but I think it will be easier on me since I won't have to do the technical stuff that I am not gifted in (uploaded videos to youtube!!)

Then...math....yuck.  She does not like math.  She is struggling with it all so we have finally, this week, gotten her a math tutor.  She has to drive 45 miles one way once a week to see the tutor...in the opposite direction of the 5 day a week job we are hoping she gets...as we are heading into the winter/snow/ice season...but we are trusting that God will work it all out!

So, those things have been time consuming and mental energy consuming.

I have also been contemplating lately how I have felt in the past that I do not have enough time.  I don't really have enough time, but I also have a million ways that I waste time.  I have come to the conclusion in the last couple of days that it is not so much a time issue as a mental energy issue.  I just don't have the motivation, mental energy, desire, umph, to do things at the pace I used to do them.  I don't have the care for things to be as perfectly done as I used to.  I have become complacent.  Once one loses momentum it is hard to regain it...

Sleep is a part of this issue.  Most of the time I don't get enough sleep.  JJ continues to wake in the night.  We have had sick kids this week so that affected sleep.  JJ did let me have 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep the past 2 nights though.  I am so happy about that!  Usually it is about 5 hours of very interrupted sleep - either by a child or just laying in bed worrying about...stuff...  And I have been having migraines more frequently (I didn't even realize that my headaches were migraines until about a month ago.  Then I realized that I have been having them for 20 years:(    I have learned more what brings them on and how to stop them early on now that I know what they are.  They slow down my mental energy too...

We have started to use Essential Oils.  I was pretty skeptical at first but we have had some successes.  Particularly with headaches, fever, and nausea.  We have been using them for ADHD and sometimes it seems to help and sometimes not.  I made a "sleep cream" with several EO's and have been thrilled that they are working on the kids.  The nights that I actually remember to put it on him he sleeps longer.  One would think that would be proper inducement to remember it every night...  It doesn't make him fall asleep any sooner though which is unfortunate as I have tried diffusing Lavender to get him to sleep earlier and it only makes me fall asleep lol! 

Grace seems to sometimes respond to the EO's as long as we are also using the neurotransmitter supplements that I wrote about a looong time ago.  The supplements have definitely made a positive impact - but that does not mean that life with her is anywhere near easy.  We increased her ADHD medication last month in an attempt to get some more impulse control and better focus for school (the teachers are saying they just can't get her to focus - but I already knew that;)  The first day she was pretty docile and I was hopeful...but as of day 2 she is back to exactly where she was before.  If the teachers also continue to report no improvement we will lower the dose back down and carry on as is...

Anyway, another issue we have been dealing with has to do with my husband's diabetes.  We have sought alternative medicine counsel and have been following it.  We changed 3 primary things so far: 1) we bought an expensive water ionizer/purifier/whatever you want to call it 2) he is on a detox regimen, and 3) he had all of his silver/mercury fillings replaced.  He has had these things done over the course of the past month and his glucose numbers have dropped to where some days they are actually in the normal range!  We are trying to treat him without insulin and, so far, we are cautiously and happily optimistic for the long term implications.  He goes back next week for a follow up so we will see what he finds out then:)

That discussion of diabetes leads to a difficult reality...we found out yesterday (although suspected it for months) that my husband's mother will be having her other leg amputated in the very near future.  Probably within a month.   That brings up so many issues 1) stress on my husband for having to make this decision because 2) his mother can no longer make any real decisions due to her mental health and 3) the issues that it brings up of doing such an invasive surgery on someone who really won't understand and that will (based on prior experiences) only mentally be permanently worse after all of the procedures are done.  That and tomorrow marks the 30th  anniversary of my husband's brother's death - which is obviously always hard on him and his mother.

On to another fun topic,  yesterday we had a person give us an opinion about what they thought was in one of our children's best interests - knowing full well that it was in complete opposition to what we believe and had stated that we wished, and then they tried to back us into a corner with no options.  I have not been that livid in a very long time.  I haven't even been able to respond to the person yet as I know full well that words not fit for polite society will come out of my mouth.  I am trying to find a way to deal with it in a civilized and appropriate manner that will allow for future contact...but so far can't bring myself to say anything nice and actually mean it.  So...I will continue to pray that God gives me the grace to be appropriate.  When people, especially people that I have trusted, come at me with guns firing having not chosen first to hear and understand our reality it burns me.  Really deep.  I had a similar situation happen with someone 2 1/2 years ago and haven't had any meaningful conversation with them since.  It isn't that I am holding a grudge.  It is that I am responsible for protecting my family against people who choose to make accusations without first gathering facts.  I can readily forgive people for their ignorance or insensitivity...but that doesn't mean that I am going to allow them to harm my children over it.

And, moving along from that lovely topic...

Although this one is complicated it is more philosophical at the present.  This morning I was reminding the children why they need to learn to obey.  I also reminded them that if they ever end up in jail that their father and I will not bail them out.  They will have to deal with the consequences of their choices (does that sound in opposition to my previous paragraph?  I don't think so.  I will protect my children, but sometimes protecting means they have to deal with the consequences of their choices).  Anyway, somehow that topic got moved into racial profiling given the current political issues in our country, and even more complicated was the reverse racism, racial tensions, etc.  Superman then asked if we would bail him out if he had not actually done anything wrong.  Teared me right on up.  I so wish I could protect my kids from that ever happening to them, but instead I have to teach them about those realities too.  So, I assured him that if he ever was in that kind of a situation we would bail him out and fight for him.  At this time he desires to be a police officer, so I wonder what kinds of prejudices that he will encounter if he continues that path.  It was such an ugly reminder of the complicated business that living on this sinful earth is.  Superman has such a precious heart to always, always, always do the "right" thing.  Life is simply too gray too often for that to be an easy task.

Then Grace started asking odd questions like, "when they handcuff you, do they put your hands in front or in back?"  And discussions of different kinds of alcohol, legal drinking limits, etc.  Faith, being a stickler for details like Superman is, asked "so, people are driving while they are drinking or they drink beforehand and then drive?"  I will admit that for much of the conversation they kept up with such deep questions that I stuttered through most of it while trying to honestly answer while trying to respect their young minds.  It gets me every time when they jump me with all of those hard questions.  Uff da!

So...other stuff is going on too but this is long enough.  And to think that when I first sat down I couldn't get myself started lol!

If you think of it, pray for us over the course of the next week.  A lot of life-changing decisions need to be made in the midst of life rolling along... ;)

 

The progression of our 19 years of marriage

I have thought a lot about this post.  Be warned, it is a long one!  It has taken me over 4 months to write it, so either I need to post it or give up.  It started with me thinking about how I have never reserved a post to share about what an amazing husband I have.  Probably because it is more fun for people to read about the kiddos than the spouse:)  However, I have a great husband and a great marriage and that makes for better parenting.  I have contemplated over the past several months various things that have prompted this more expanded post.  Our 19th wedding anniversary was this year, our Sunday School teaching on Paul Tripp's book "What Did You Expect?," various things I have been learning about myself due to several trials over the past couple of years, and our oldest daughter being in a courtship relationship and thinking forward to what kind of marriage she may have (and wanting her to be prepared).  This is a very, very, very vulnerable post for me.  However, some things that I learned this summer about myself has helped give me the courage to post it.

If you just want the Cliff's Notes version of it, here it is:  my husband and I were selfish, naive, depraved, and utterly lost when we met.  We married, had our 1st child (which really prompted us to start thinking about if there was a God and if so what was our response supposed to be to that), came to know the Lord as our Savior and the depth of our sinfulness, and He began a work in us.  We now understand that marriage is about putting God first, and giving sacrificially and selflessly even when we don't want to.  We work to communicate the depths of our hearts with one another in a very vulnerable way, and realize what a gift it is to serve and connect with one another so fully.  We try hard to not take each other for granted, to stop when we are upset with the other's sin and first remember our own sinfulness, and to seek to understand before being understood.  We have also learned to anticipate one another and seek out ways to surprise, serve, encourage, and remind one another that we love the other (I particularly enjoy when my husband surprises me with chocolate...when I get an almond chocolate bar or Reese's Peanut Butter cup I know that I have obviously been acting extra stressed and he is gently reminding me to regroup:).

The loooooong version...

A few weekends ago it was 22 years since my husband and I met.  We married 2 1/2 years later.  I look back to the mistakes we made back then and marvel that we even made it. We married in July of 1995 after my 1st year of graduate school.  Beautiful was born just under 2 years later after I finished my coursework and we headed to Kentucky where I did my 1 year pre-doctoral internship.  I think those years (post marriage, not the dating time so much) were fairly good - for a couple of non-believers.  Much of it has faded into highlighted memories.  I laugh at myself in an embarrassed way when I think about how I tried to change my husband back then.  I was studying to become, and became a Psychologist.  Yes, groan.  How is a man supposed to be himself when he has his woman analyzing him all of the time lol!?!  

When we met our initial connection was about shared loss.  I had lost a close friend in a drinking and driving car accident a few years before and he had lost his brother in a drinking and driving car accident 8 years before.  Both of us had grown up with families that weren't the most...healthy.  We didn't have good examples for marriage, life, or grieving.  Neither of us were saved despite attending church regularly from young childhood to later teen hood.  He was a very quiet man who had a great depth of emotion.  I felt that my emotions of my losses were understood by him and I felt safe sharing my vulnerabilities with him.  We did everything wrong.  But, we moved forward to marriage and "life."

After Beautiful was born I worked (well, I was on internship initially, but then we moved to our current location and I worked full time) and my husband stayed home with her.  We had decided that before we got married.  He has been a very playful and fun dad.

However, we hadn't taken the time to really think about our differences in personality.  We had the same goals, we shared grief, but all of that middle "process" stuff is completely, totally, utterly as opposite as you can get.  I am a talker/thinker and he is quiet/emotional.  Yep, that has led to a lot of needing to learn how to navigate realities and decision making.  I roll my eyes even now when I think of how I tried to change him to be more like me.  After all, talking and thinking is the "better" way to do life, right?  So, we muddled through life for years bound by our commitment to our marriage and our common goals.  I would say that my heart probably has changed the most and my changes have probably made our marriage healthier more than anything my husband changed.  While he has certainly become a "better" man over the years I think that I was the one most wrong who needed to change.  I thought I would share some of the pivotal moments.  Some of those touch points that served to change the direction of our marriage.  Some will seem trivial to you but they meant something to us.

I remember not liking how he washed the table.  It used to drive me absolutely NUTS to watch him wash a table.  I finally asked myself  "what is the point here?"  "Is the table clean when he is done?"  "Then...what is the problem exactly?"  I chose to just remove myself from the room when he washed the table.  It was my problem, not his.  He still washes the table the same way...and I still don't watch;)

When I would leave for work when we only had 1, then 2 kids (prepare for more laughter and eye rolling) I had made out a schedule for taking care of the kids.  What to eat for breakfast, what kinds of enrichment activities they should be involved in, what types of things the kids should be learning, etc.  I would get home and my husband would be laying on the floor wrestling, laughing, and playing with the kids...ACCOMPLISHING NOTHING!  The nerve of that guy!  I am so thankful that God finally knocked me aside the head and told me that what was important was NOT if they knew their numbers and letters but it was about relationship.  My husband has a great relationship with our kids (particularly the 2 oldest when he actually had the time to just lay on the floor with them:)  The kids are blessed to have a father who does the fun stuff with them because their mother is decidedly NOT a fun parent (hence my nick name - the "fun sucker").

We came to know the Lord as our personal Lord and Savior around the time that Buddy was born.  God was really working on us.  He moved us to this state, this town, this house that conveniently had neighbors who listened to Him and gently suggested that church that was right across the street would be a perfect one to try out.  We attended weekly from the first Sunday we lived here despite not being saved and the sermons covering material that neither of us wanted to hear.  God worked hard to pull us in and change our extremely dead and rebellious hearts and we are so thankful!  It was during that time that we were taught about Biblical principles of marriage and parenting.  I am also thankful for the people who put up with my biased, uneducated, and shallow thoughts on so many topics.  God grew me...he continues to grow me.

In 2002 we became foster parents and in 2006 Grace came into our lives at age 4 months.  That process was painful - to watch her go back and forth with visitations as part of the reunification plan for 18 months.  So painful.  We were so naive!  Then we tried to adopt from Liberia and were matched with 4 kids total, none of whom we got to bring home.  Weeks after we found out about us probably not getting to bring home the 2nd two children we got a call from foster care about 2 kids who needed an adoption placement right away. They had been in the system for just under 2 years.  We said "yes" and Superman and Faith joined us then in 2008 - the month they turned 2 and 3 (Grace had turned 2 the previous month).  Life was CRAZY.  We were in total survival mode.  Three toddlers is not a recommended idea!  We feel that it took us a good 5 years to really get our feet under us.  Special needs. Painful pasts.  Birth parent "stuff."  Bio kid/adopted kid stuff.  Financial stuff.  Will the kids be returned to their bio parents are stay with us? stuff.  Being spread too thin...  I had quit my full time job in 2005 and had started a private practice in 2003.  My husband bought and opened a picture framing store that he then operated for 5 years.  It was intense.  Again total survival mode.  During this time my husband and I had common goals and values, we didn't really realize we were in survival mode.  We were just...surviving.  My husband has an attitude of just "go with the flow" and I have an attitude of "put one foot in front of the other."  Thus, our marriage just continued forward.  We were energized by watching the fingerprints of God in the adoptions, various trials we experienced, etc.  We had our share of trials during that time.  The most intense was probably April 2007 when my uncle died, our attached garage burned down and was 2 minutes from taking the house, and all of the ensuing home construction/remodel that is still ongoing 7 years later, and my father in law died.  That was before Superman and Faith came and in hindsight was a blessing for various reasons but sure was hard!

I think that the biggest lesson that I learned during that 5 year "survival" timeframe was that our children were not ours.  Something about watching the ups and downs of the adoption process being orchestrated by our sovereign God, then to make sense of our adopted children's grief and loss of their bio families made me hold my hands a little looser and remind myself constantly that they are God's children.  I realize that while I have them for a short time and have a Biblical responsibility to teach and guide them, He is ultimately in control of their hearts and their futures.  It is humbling.  I have never been so humbled about my own unimportance as parenting has forced me to learn about myself.  This helped me to see myself and my husband more realistically and changed our marriage as I quit placing so much pressure on myself (still a problem I battle with though).

We were in a Bible study in 2010 that was life changing for me.  I learned so much about a deeper personal relationship with Christ.  I learned so much more about my identity in Christ.  I learned so much more about my value in Christ.  Through the course of that Bible study I learned that I am loveable.  I had not learned that before.  I knew that I was loved but to actually grasp the concept that I was loveable because of who I am to Christ rather than what I do was foundation shaking for me.  I had been told that before, but I had not owned that before.  I am a doer.  I had always been taught (not necessarily outright) that my value came from my actions.  Much peace and perspective change came when I finally accepted as truth that God loves me for me...not what I do (and in fact that my actions are a stench to Him if not done with the right heart).

In 2009 (probably sporadically before that) until 2011 I suffered intensely with a herniated disk (the lowest disk on the spine).  I did not get it diagnosed properly until July of 2010.  I was in pain levels comparable to childbirth pain.  During that time God really hammered home to me (because it takes a long time and an incredible amount of obvious chiseling/jack hammering for me to really get things) that what I do does not determine my value...because I could do practically nothing.  I was able to go to work and sit (in pain).  But I could not vacuum, wash the dishes, or do almost any household chore to serve my family without a lot of pain.  The pain would be progressively better though out the day but the nights/mornings were agonizing.  I literally could not roll over in bed.  I would cry having to get up in the morning. I dreaded going to bed at night because I knew the very next sensation I would feel was horrible (such began my not sleeping through the night which hasn't ended yet!).  I think that I herniated it by bending over the bathtub, toilet, car seats, highchairs, strollers, etc in triplicate every time.  Not to mention just carrying, holding, rocking, etc.  And, of course, our highly ADHD "energizer bunny hooked to a car battery" child was a contributor.  Anyway, I learned that the dusting didn't have to be done every week (and now if it gets done quarterly I am feeling pretty good about it!).  The vacuuming had to be done less thoroughly than I would like (it being done by a child).  The laundry could be done by just having 1 basket per kid and dumping the whole thing in at once (who really needs to sort lights from darks?).  If you look at my house now you would wonder if I have always been a terrible housekeeper.  Most of it came from the time that I couldn't...and learned to loosen up a bit (a lot).

A huge change came in our marriage at that time.  When I couldn't, my husband would.  I think he was always willing but I was always telling him how what he did was not good enough.  I have spent too many years of my marriage openly telling my husband that what he has done has not been up to par. I always thought that I was the one who had to hold it together and the standard has to always be raised higher and higher.  God took me out of the equation and despite the trial of the pain I am so thankful for the shift it allowed in our marriage.  It has allowed him to come into his own, for him to try out his many gifts without my interference, and for me to learn to appreciate them (even washing off the table;)

In August 2010 JJ came.  Yes, less than 1 month after I was finally diagnosed with the herniated disk and started traction and treatments 3x a week.  When JJ came home I could not even lift 10 lbs.  It has been a blessing that he was only 5 lbs at birth and has grown so slowly!  Getting out of bed at night to nurse him as I was trying to get my milk in as a nursing adoptive parent (and therefore would not take any pain medication) was horrible.  I will never forget my husband up trying to keep JJ calm while it would take me over 10 minutes, in tears, to get out of bed and lower myself into a chair to nurse him.  I could not sit up in bed and JJ couldn't figure out how to nurse while I was laying down.  For months and months after he came I could do little more than sit and rock him most days (although I had some more mobile days in there too:). Perhaps that is why he is such a cuddly kid and hasn't figured out how to start detaching yet lol!

We have had quite a few rocky times just due to kids' needs.  When one has a difficult child(ren) it affects all of the rest of the kids, not just the parents.  Adopting children affects any biological children who are already in the home.  Kids feel left out, abandoned, misunderstood, and all kinds of yuck.  A couple of years ago our oldest made some choices that taught her about the evil of this world and have permanently scarred her heart/trust of others and completely rocked my husband's and my opinions on a lot of things.  To respect her privacy I will not go into any details.  However, it was very painful and probably more so as it was totally unexpected.  At almost the same time I became estranged from my mother.  Also without going into details, the fallout and repercussions from both of those situations resulted in a lot of required attentiveness on our part to be sure to not be just "reacting" but to be sure that we were keeping God's values and principles forefront and not reacting to situations in our flesh.  It was hard as both of those situations resulted in lies being told about us.  That always feels horrible but it was such a good reminder that we have an "Audience of One."  It is important that we figure that out, to not react in our flesh, and to stay true to course because with 5 more children to go through teen hood (and 3 of them the same age) I am certain that what we experienced with Beautiful will be but a minor pothole compared with what may come lol!

Another "trial" has been that we live in a state with no other family (except for my mother in law -next paragraph) except for the extended family that we have in Christ.  That has left us with no grandparents or relatives to watch kids and offer respite.  That has made our family hunker down and solidify more as a unit.  We have had to be very intentional about finding other families to act as surrogate family, but many of them (of course) have their own families too that keep them busy.  We have prayed that other people would feel called to take our kids under their wings as mentors or special friends.  It is hard to find like-minded people who are willing to sacrifice their hearts and time with kids that aren't always..."easy."  With that said, the women I have met who are "e-friends" through our adoption journey have been indescribably important to our adventure when people who haven't walked this road can't really understand the struggles.  Our church friends and other like-minded believers have been "family" to our kids and love on them, pray for them, and take them under their wings.  Our fellow home schooling families have walked with us through parenting and teaching realities and let us be "real."  My dearest friend moved away 8 years ago this month.  While that was very much a trial for me, I learned much from that such as my need to lean on Christ and not her and that we need to serve the Kingdom first, not what we want in our own flesh.  I am thankful for social media and phones to have communication with friends far away!

Another major trial as been that my husband's mother moved down here maybe 5 years ago.  I think it was 2009.  She was retired and medically not doing well.  We moved her from another state and she lived in an apartment 6 blocks from us so we could care for her.  She fell and broke her arm, lived with us for 2 weeks, and never recovered enough to live independently again.  She moved from the nursing home, to assisted living, and back to the nursing home.  She has diabetes (a terrible, terrible disease) and has had many complications.  She had a leg amputation 2 years ago.  She has wounds on the other leg that the specialists are trying to heal to avoid another amputation.  However, right now the greatest trial is her mind/memory.  She is not always in touch with reality.  Sometimes it is worse, and sometimes better.  It is very, very hard on my husband.  The last 3 months have been quite difficult.  He really wants to advocate for her and find a way for her to come back to "herself."  He has been successful with some things.  However, I consult in nursing homes and see the situation more objectively.  He goes to visit  her more or less every day.  Sometimes he thinks she is fine; then she asks him if he ate the roast she took to work that day, or if he stopped by the hotel she stayed at for a few days, etc.  She really, really deteriorated 2 months ago when her mother died and has not really recovered from that.  She can hold a conversation superficially and short-term so not everyone realizes how bad her memory is.  My poor  husband has taken to just sitting with her and watching TV for the most part on the days when she is thinking he is her husband...  I must say that while it takes a huge amount of time away from our young family for my husband to care for his mother and attend her specialist appointments to advocate for her, it absolutely warms my heart to know that if something should befall me and he would be my caretaker, that he will move heaven and earth to care for me and not forget about me just because I have dementia and have forgotten who he is...  My husband is an amazing man and watching him love and care for his mother reminds me of that often.

Another issue has been with the reality of home schooling our kiddos who have special learning needs.  We strongly believe in the benefits of home schooling (another major shift in our thinking when Beautiful was the age to enter kindergarten).  We especially believe in the benefits it allows with bonding and attachment issues with our adopted kiddos and having the extra time with our bio kiddos who already feel neglected with the addition of 4 more kids.  I am a person who never found academics to be difficult.  I don't think I ever had homework in high school, I graduated from college in 3 years, and I had my doctorate by age 25.  It has been a HUGE shift for me to teach information that isn't just "learned."  I laugh when I remember filling out the foster care paperwork saying that I did not want any special needs kids and...here we are.  Especially since my bio kids are included in the struggles. It has been a huge pivotal issue for me and requires many reminders on keeping "the main thing the main thing" as we work with our local school district (who has been AWESOME) to best help our kids be what they were created to be, and not what I think that they should be.

Two years ago we got to care for Superman and Faith's infant sister for 7 weeks before she was placed in another foster home and eventually moved to permanent placement with her paternal great aunt.  I will not go into that horrible, horrible time in our lives here - I have posted on it in a previous post.  I will summarize to say that the experience taught me a lot about not just having a head knowledge or faith about God, but instead to have a trust in God.  Enough said about that...

Two more to go!  Well, there are many, many more, but for the purposes of this post there are 2 more:)

On 12/12/12 we were rushing around to reinstate our foster care license so that we could keep fostering the baby and be able to adopt her from foster care.  On that date we had our medical physicals.  On that date my husband was tested for, and diagnosed with, Diabetes.  The past 2 years has been hard.  It came less than 2 months after my husband watched his mother have her leg amputated from the same disease.  My uncle had died of complications from it in 2007 at age 46.  He has had to change so many things. And he has.  He is trying to treat it with diet and exercise.  We seek holistic medicine options.  I think he would say that it is the biggest temptation struggle he has ever dealt with - to not have ice cream, cookies, soda, etc anymore.  He has been such a self-motivated advocate for his own care in this area.  I have been very proud of him.  With that said, it really scares me.  I think of having to care for him like he is caring for his mother while still having little kids at home (he has no complications at this point - that is just my fear talking).  But the fear talks in lots of ways to me: will he be able to attend each of our children's graduations? Weddings? Travel with me? etc?  Will I be a single grandmother making the rounds to see the grandkids by myself?  I don't think I could ever remarry.  After all, who would ever put up with me with as much love and patience as my husband does...or our kids lol!??!?

Good grief, as if to reiterate what I was just typing, Grace just pulled a dresser down on top of JJ and I had to stop to go deal with that.  Most days I feel like my house is a zoo and my kids are untamed animals!  Anyway...

The final trial, that hasn't really been a trial but more of a process, has been our daughter being in a courtship.  Nothing makes one think about the state of their own marriage, as well as the good stuff and the not so good stuff, as when one is trying to prepare one's own child for marriage!  We absolutely adore the man she is dating.  His parents have raised a very Godly young man who will be a wonderful husband one day.  We have spent much time with this young man and have been strict about chaperoning and supervision.  They are both very willing, and thankful, for these efforts.  Their relationship has developed before our eyes and we are so blessed that they let us be part of the process.  We did not expect to be dealing with these types of things yet, but we are moving along as well as we can while also raising 5 younger children.  It does put many things into perspective as we raise the other kids - trying to make sure that the main things remain the main things (i.e. we are raising children for God's glory, to serve God's kingdom, to be helpmates to their spouses, and to be responsible, mature, God-fearing adults... who are SELF-SUFFICIENT lol!!!).  Beautiful and her boyfriend are both first borns and, as such, are guinea pigs for we parents who haven't been through this yet lol!

As I read back through this (I think I have re-read this post 50 times tweaking it and being too scared to actually post it) I know that I have talked about each of the pivotal moments in our lives as being via a trial.  I know that is perhaps an odd perspective to take and perhaps we should think of the pivotal moments as being blessings - but the reality is that they were not perceived that way.  However, I think of each of those trials as being a time that we spent in a "cocoon" and we were being transformed.  It felt tight, claustrophobic, and limited in options at the time, but the outcome (in God's timing) was one more step in the sanctification process that we are on.

Twenty-two years ago we were such an unlikely couple to be able to "make it."  But we are proof of the power and love of God to transform selfish, unsaved sinners into humbled, God-fearing sinners who are striving to do what we are called to do for His glory:)

Sensory Issues...

What a morning!

Grace has been having more than usual sensory, behavioral, attitude, impulsivity, lack of concentration/focus, not retaining information, everything else issues lately.  The mornings are always difficult as her meds are not on board right away, but they have been worse lately(and evenings).  Yesterday was a very bad day, so my husband and talked last night about how we can approach the issues differently.  This morning we got a great opportunity right away;)

Grace was as oppositional as ever this morning.  It was one of those days when I think if we would have told her to breathe she would have held her breath just to oppose us.  Her groaning, screaming, yelling in frustration "MOM!!!!," growling, and crying can really start the morning off bad.  Nothing can be simply be "yes Mom, I will sit down at the table and not crawl around on the floor during breakfast or take things away from my siblings or stop telling everyone else what to do or" well, you get the picture.

When she gets like this, we don't talk to her as she could argue a crook out of a pile of money.  She has loophole for EVERYTHING.  She isn't above being downright irrational at times too.  The child is so contrary that if we are in a room with exactly one chair and we tell her to stop arguing and sit in the chair for time out she will look around in exasperation and yell, "what chair?!?!  I don't see any chair?!?!!"

So, we have opted to put up our hand like a stop signal.  She can't argue with a handle signal with no words lol!  Every time she then responds in an argumentative way (verbally or, most frequently, non-verbally) she gets 1 discipline added.  We just matter-of-factly say a number every time that she responds in an inappropriate manner until she chooses to stop arguing.  Usually she stops by the time we get to 10 or so.  Today she got up to 36.  She was really worked up.  Every "discipline" is writing a sentence (that we have prewrittten).  Sometimes it is a job card (a card that has a chore on it that she has to complete prior to being allowed any privileges).  But since her handwriting is so poor this serves double purpose.

Last week she got 35 of them and after calming down she did write them all very calmly.  I just wish she could stop before she gets that many.

Anyway, this morning as soon as she self calmed I took her through the interventions that the occupational therapist taught us.  We did proprioceptive, vestibular, and tactile interventions.  She did calm down.  She then did well for a little awhile until my husband and I couldn't be in the the room to keep an eye on her (as we were dealing with other kids) and she started bullying the kids in the room again.  At least we did actually get some academic work out of her today.  That doesn't always happen as we can't get her calmed enough to obey and do her work...or focus.

Almost as soon as I got her calmed after the techniques, JJ started in.  He has a lot of sensory issues just like Grace.  He wanted a cookie, I told him he had to wait until he ate something healthy, he screamed, it was great fun...  So, I hauled him into the warm bathtub for sensory calming (until he quit fighting me).  Then I did the Wilbarger Brushing Technique on him like I had just finished with Grace.  I then rubbed him down with Shea Butter.  I need to mix up some Shea Butter with essential oils.  He and Grace sleep noticeably better since I have started putting EO's on them at bedtime.  I haven't found one that works well to calm them during the day yet though - so far what has been recommended has not been helpful.

Anyway, he was very calm by then, willingly ate a bowl of cereal and then was able to get his cookie:)

Somewhere in the mix of that I got a text that I did not have Buddy at a meeting I was supposed to have him at 15 minutes before.  Yep...not surprised...

This all took a good hour of my morning.  I then sat down to correct Faith's story she was writing.  Thankfully Superman (and Faith) are able to get on the computer and do their school independently as this chaos is a typical morning!

JJ's sensory issues are odd and varied.  Not like Grace and our other child with sensory issues.  For example, in the morning he has never been able to eat right way.  If he would have a bottle while we were traveling first thing in the morning, for example, it always was vomited back up. He continues to not do well with food 1st thing upon waking (or within 2 - 3 hours of waking).  I had to laugh 2 weeks ago when we had a Potato Bar at church at lunch.  It was 6 p.m. and Superman asked when we would eat supper.  JJ replied, "we ate at the church!"  JJ's idea is that eating once a day is sufficient lol!  Anyway, we have to really finagle him to eat.  He is eating more now and is growing so we aren't worried anymore, but it is still a forced issue.

And forcing JJ to do something is about as successful as trying to force Grace to do something.

Anyway, JJ also has tactile issues.  For example, he does not like blankets to be on him.  We have keep him in footed pj's almost year around so he can't kick them off (although he loves to take his clothes off and walk around in his underwear or pants and yell "don't look at me!  I'm naked!!!")  Getting cold at night is one reason he wakes a lot so it has been frustrating to get him to sleep through the night when he won't (even when rocking with me) keep a blanket on him.  Despite that, he craves physical touch.  Cuddling and hanging on to my bra strap are very calming for him.  Again, he is an odd child sensory speaking.

Another issue he has is that when he moves one hand, the other hand tends to mimic the movement.  We know a man who has that problem and he cannot stop one hand from doing exactly what the other hand is doing (imagine how debilitating that is?!?!)  If JJ has one hand occupied (like holding something) then it doesn't automatically do what the other hand does.  However, we are working on fine motor skills right now and using a scissors is so far impossible.  He cannot navigate it one handed at all.  Writing is also an issue.  So, as he is now 4 and needs to be learning how to do these things, I am not sure exactly how to proceed (next week he has his 1st IEP at the school and they will tell us about the OT and Speech Language options available to us).  At least he is finally showing an interest in cutting and coloring.  However, today he got frustrated and quit cutting the paper, choosing instead to just rip pieces off and then glue them onto the other sheet.  I guess that was resourceful and it was good he didn't just give up...

Anyway, then Beautiful yelled that something was very wrong.  I ran to check that out and she had just seen that her speech grade was a D!  The professor had written that she hadn't submitted something.  Beautiful wrote back and reminded her that she had and they had emailed about it last week.  Thankfully the professor emailed back right away and had remembered so removed the "0."  Boy, that got both of our hearts racing!

In the middle of that Superman and JJ got into a physical...thing.  We are working so hard with JJ to use his words.  But since he can't speak clearly it is hard to understand him.  Superman had not listened to JJ's words so JJ made sure that Superman knew that he was not happy about that.  So I had to run and deal with that situation.

Leaving the room is a guarantee of some fight breaking out.  But, there is only one of me...(my husband is sure thankful that there is only one of me lol!)

I set the kids up with their "stations" and proceeded to help Beautiful with some work for an hour.  My husband is trying to get a bunch of picture framing done before taxidermy season hits with a vengeance but had to give that up after a little bit to keep everyone moving along so Beautiful and I could finish her work.  And he fed the kids:)

So now I have 2 kids off at school for their interventions and the house is relatively quiet.  It is 1:30 and I am thankful that JJ actually slept through the night last night so I got almost 7 hours of sleep and feel like I can keep being productive.  We have family pictures for the church directory in 2 hours.  I was so keyed up from this morning though that I had to unload...in this post;)  Sigh...now I can jump back into the fray (and finally eat)!

The "Basketball Decision"

One of the major decision that we were struggling with has to do with Beautiful playing basketball this year.  Another one...we aren't talking about yet:)

This decision has kept me up sleepless too many nights and has made Beautiful nauseated with fears and "what ifs."

Basketball has been a part of her life since 5th grade.  She is a great athlete, naturally gifted to understand plays and tall to boot.  She definitely did NOT get her ability to do so from me.  I was always picked last for teams for very good reason...

We are not those parents who insist on our children playing sports.  Forcing them into things they don't want to do (except cleaning up after themselves, doing their school, you know what I mean).

But to decide if Beautiful should stop playing basketball?  Ugg...it was very hard.

Our family does not see basketball just as being a sport.  For us it is community.  In our home school world basketball is our socialization, it is our time to connect with like minded people, it is our way to learn about serving community and teamwork.  It is not as much about the actual basketball - although watching Beautiful play makes my heart sing and when they win...I am so proud of her and of the team (and when they lose;).  To lose out on all of those things a year before she is graduated wrenches my heart.

Beautiful has always had great stats and is a force on the team.  To not have her on the team would be...very sad for the team and a lot of people for a lot of different reasons.  And sad for our whole family for a lot of different reasons.

But...Beautiful sprained her knees her first year playing on the home school team and despite braces and chiropractic intervention they only hurt her worse.  This summer we consulted with a Physician and 2 Physical Therapists as well as got her an MRI.  She is presently in physical therapy 2 - 3 times a week.  She just physically can't do it.

My husband, Beautiful, and I are quite scared of the potential backlash.  My husband and I know that parents will understand, but Beautiful is terrified of her team mates reactions to the point that she is constantly nauseated.  Because this isn't just about basketball...this is about community.  About connection with people we have come to love.  About serving one another and teamwork.  About friendships.  She feels like she is letting many people down.  Her father and I also feel like we are letting people down.  It is a hard decision to make, to know what is best for your child but knowing that will upset the greater circle of "family."

But, the decision is made.  We have peace about the decision.  We know it is best for her and we need to make that the priority.  Beautiful will not be playing basketball this season, her Senior year of high school...but boy will we miss the connections and community of the team and families.

My experience at Women of Faith

This is another one of my "crawl around inside of my head and see what God is doing in my heart as I get uncomfortably vulnerable and honest, and hope that you find the way back out because I am...me;)" posts!

I have been trying to put words on this weekend's experience at Women of Faith, but mostly I am just coming up with "wow."  It was so timely.  It was so needed.  It was great the God met me there and really did follow through with the theme of this year's conference: From Survival to Revival.

It seems that life has been getting heavier and heavier and I really am just in survival mode- and barely doing that.  While my job is a blessing, it is a draining job and lately things have been getting heavier in addition to me working more.  Grappling with my theology on tough tough issues with marriage, suicide, etc has been hard.  I was used to working 2 12 hours days, then home schooling for 3 days and having the weekend to catch up/relax/find my brain/whatever.  I have learned that I need days totally uncommitted to other things in order to be able to keep treading water (survive).

I have added an extra day to my work week during this season.  Yes, I know what you are thinking.  Waaaa. Stop fussing about it.  If I only to work 3 days a week and could still support my family I wouldn't be complaining!  You are 100% right.  I try to see it that way.  But trying to still do all of the home schooling (my husband does a HUGE chunk of it, but with my daughter in college classes this year it has put a much larger burden on me than before) and being a wife and being a mom to 6 kids with special "stuff" and, and, and...  gets me really weary.  I absolutely could not do what I do without a husband who is 100% invested in home schooling, doing most of the home schooling and daily stuff with the kids because I am at work, and being a wonderful husband who lets me be overwhelmed and just loves me in the midst of it.  But, he gets weary too...  Just yesterday he said that we need to go on a vacation - he just wants to go somewhere with trees and outdoors.  That is my hunter man lol!

My last post about the surprisingly emotional reaction I had at receiving a bouquet of flowers was really the start of me figuring out that I seriously need to be asking people for help - and that experience (yes, odd experiences teach me the most obvious of things) taught me a bit about what I actually need so that I know what to ask for.

With almost all of our kids having IEPs (have qualifying learning disabilities.  I don't talk about this much due to the stigma that I feel on myself and my kids.  But it is a very heavy weight and burden on us) being a home school mom is hard.  On the one hand I am able to modify their lessons.  However, now having my oldest being on her way out the door to college I am realizing that she won't always have those modifications.  I have been more worried about my kids actually learning the material than just being able to test well or regurgitate information in the "acceptable format."  But, this was not a good approach if they will eventually need to take tests and write papers in the standardized way.  My daughter's college courses (helping her stay focused, organized, ON TIME, etc) has been a major, major, major source of stress for me this semester.  I have lost much sleep over it (and I have already shared how little I sleep anyway!)  6 - 7 hours is a good night sleep.  I don't function well with 5.

Then there is the whole boundary crossing issue of being the "heavy" and requiring right answers, timely work, and...gasp...and actual understanding of concepts coupled with being the encouraging, accepting, unconditionally loving mother who's children are bonded and attached.  Sometimes that works well.  Sometimes...not so much.

So, last week at the meeting at the school about a couple of the kids we increased our kids' time there and the breadth of what they will be doing with them.  I am hoping that our relationship with those 2 kids will improve without 2+ hours a day of fighting, crying, and pulling out of hair over math:)  I needed help, I asked, and God was gracious to provide.

I have a couple of other people I want to ask to help me with various parts of this process.  I am hoping that they say yes.  I just can't do it by myself anymore.  I have finally been humbled enough to ask for help.

Which brings me to what God' taught me at Women of Faith this weekend.  First of all, my husband's mother's mom died last week.  That has brought on a whole HOST of issues.  My mother in law did not handle it well.  Her physical and mental state has been severely declining of late.  My husband is so overwhelmed with dealing with her.  We  tried to find a way to get her to the funeral but it just was not going to work with all of her issues.  So, between him spending lots of time a day visiting his mom and fielding crazy phone calls, and home schooling the kids, and trying to keep me sane it has been very tough on him.  So, first I thought that I wouldn't get to attend the conference due to the funeral-but he decided that we were just not going to be able to make it work (and he needed to be here with his mom as she is so unstable right now).  Then I was so exhausted and overwhelmed from the week (well, really the last 8 years lol!) that I really didn't even want to go.  We had just had testing on JJ that morning for his language issues (he doesn't speak well AT ALL) and I was overwhelmed with the amount of work it will take to get him speaking.  Satan sure tried to prevent me from going.

But, I went (because I spent a lot of money and didn't want to lose it lol!  And I knew if I just went it would be a blessing).  And I am so glad that I went!

A total side blessing was the awesome alone time I got to have with Beautiful.  Almost 3 hours a day for 2 days alone with her in the car to talk.  I haven't spent time with her like that for over 8 years!  We had such a wonderful time connecting and talking about her future (and my fears about her future).

See, I am consumed with fear.  I have so many fears about how each of my kids are going to turn it out is ridiculous.  I have fears that I am messing them all up.  I have fears that I have not taught them what they need to know to be successful.  Does anyone else have those fears when their oldest is about to take the leap to independence?!?  That you have not prepared that child or any of them sufficiently?  I am impatient that they are not learning "it" quickly enough.  If they don't learn "_____________" then they will not succeed and I will have ruined them if only I had done more "____________" then it would all be OK and "______________."
 blah, blah, blah.

It is quite overwhelming, discouraging, and ridiculous.

This weekend the speakers were fabulous.  The worship was amazing. And the Spirit was present.  Our group was over 70 women in a sea of thousands.  I was totally surprised and blessed that a cousin of mine was there.  The cousin we saw at Life Light.  I should have known that she would be where God was being worshiped;)  She is such a blessing to me even though I rarely get to see her.

Since I have never been to Women of Faith my expectations were totally turned on their head when they started with a comedienne the first night and not dry doctrine.  She was a total riot.  I soooooo needed that!

Then the first speaker, Sheila Walsh, spoke.  That was a convicting talk.  I will be buying her books.

Nichole Nordeman sang.  That was a beautiful way to end the evening.  Not high energy.  Just intentional, deep worship.

Saturday rocked me.  While all of the speakers were great, I was really moved by 2.  Christine Caine and Matthew West.  I did enjoy hearing Lysa Terkuerst speak.  She had written an article 8ish years ago about adopting 2 boys from Liberia.  I had read it and it had sparked our journey to adopt from Liberia.  She had very encouraging things to say:)

Matthew West is obviously a singer and not a speaker.  However, he talked about how he came to write the songs from his latest album.  It is a very fascinating story but I won't write about it here.  He had written the song, "Hello, My Name Is ____________" and talked about it's origins.  Then he asked us to think of a way that we tend to "name" ourselves that is a lie.  Regret?  Shame?  Anonymous? etc.  I stopped to pray about it and thought that I would probably label myself as "fearful" and "impatient."  However, and I am getting all emotional just thinking about it again - as I stood there I felt that God was pushing another word in...

Hopeless...

And he was gently chastising my crushing feelings of hopelessness as if to say, "Hey!  We just went through this a year ago!  You said that you learned then to TRUST me, and now you have lost your hope?  What is up that that?!?"

It is so true though.  I feel an overwhelming sense of hopelessness that my kids will overcome the "yuck" of their learning disabilities, their prenatal and genetic influences, my poor parenting, their life experiences, not having family nearby, not having_______________, not doing ______________, not being ______________.

Most of the time I feel like I beat my head against the wall and try and try and try...but do I really have hope that it will be ok?  Am I really trusting God for the outcome like I would give lip service to?

Yep.  God had it right.  I have succumbed to hopeless, and thus I am weary and overwhelmed because I really believe that I am just working and working and working but all it amounts to is treading water and it will all amount to NOTHING...

Then, coupled with what Christine Caine taught powerfully on using 1 Kings 17.  She talked about God uses an...
      Unlikely place, with an
      Unlikely person, with an
      Unlikely strategy, to have an
      Unlikely outcome

In the town that the evil and hated Jezebel was from
2 poor people who were preparing their very last food so they could eat it and then die
were asked to give a portion of that food to Elijah
so that God would then provide unlimited flour and oil (provision/life) until it again rained

Great story!  God provides at the 11th hour!  But the story doesn't end there!

The son gets sick and.... dies?!?!?!!?

Christine talked about that as "our Miracle needing a Miracle."  That God clearly provided the 1st miracle, but then ....what????  why did God allow her son to live just to let him die?"

I completely and totally resonated with this concept.  I think of our adoptions and I think of how miraculous they were.  That we were allowed to adopt any of them with all of the legal wrangling, birth family issues, paperwork, etc is a clear, clear, clear testimony to my husband and I that God's fingerprints are ALL OVER our adoptions.  We did not complete those adoptions.  God did.  They were not of our flesh.  They were of God.

So, if they were of God, why is this so hard?  Why don't we seem to be making progress?  Why don't we seem to be helping them?  blah, blah blah.  Lie, lie, lie.

However, I hadn't really thought of it the way she had talked about it.

I was hopeless.  We had a miracle in the adoptions but they have been so difficult that I had lost hope.  I felt like I was not the right one for the job (like God made a mistake!).  I had lost my purpose and my way.  I realized that I, like the widow woman, need a miracle for the miracle of the adoptions.

But after this weekend...my hope and my direction is restored:)

 I will need to keep reminding myself of the Truth, but I do think that enough of a theological shift occurred, thanks to the Spirit, that it will stick.  Just like when I finally shifted my understanding from faith to trust last year.  This year he has shifted trust to hope.  That constant sanctification process that we are on.  I am sure there will be many more "shifts."  I have a looooooong way to go.

Which reminds me of another issue that God has been working in my heart.  This weekend he confirmed and wrapped it up with a nice bow:)

A few weeks ago a friend posted about the song "bless the Lord oh my soul."  I really, really, really needed that song that week.  It was a dark, dark week for me.  Then, several days later in church the pastor preached on...are you ready?  Psalm 103!!!  I was in the pew thinking, "you have got to be kidding me!"  Two days later I was visiting with someone who kept saying they wanted to talk about a Psalm with me.  I finally pulled out their Bible and read it with them and it was...you guessed it...Psalm 103.  Now, I admit to being pretty dense and it takes awhile to hear God speaking to me.  But this time I got it - 3 times in a week?  Clearly God wants me to pay attention.  So, I am working on memorizing it.

But, just for fun because He is God, Psalm 103 was talked about this weekend.  Since I don't really like to memorize I thought, "Ok God, if you really really want me to pay attention to Psalm 103, have someone talk about it at the conference."  Of all of the scripture in the Bible, what are the odds?

Yep, I told you I am a bit dense.

So, when it was mentioned again yesterday I submitted and said, "OK, clearly you want me to really get this."  The gist of Lysa's message was "I will steer where I stare," "don't get distracted on the way to my destiny," and "God's grace is sufficient - God is good, and God is good at being God!"  Obviously I need to be staring at "Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul."  Keep my eyes fixed on Him.  Have Faith, Trust Him, and place my Hope in Him for all of my tomorrows (and my today).

It was a great conference.  I already bought tickets for next year.  I am very sad that this was my first conference and next year is the last year of Women of Faith.  But I am sure that God will provide other opportunities for me to be sanctified...

In unlikely places
with an unlikely person
with an unlikely strategy
with an unlikely outcome:)

Flowers and Vulnerability

My husband and I have a standing agreement: he is never to get me flowers.  My husband is a gift person.  He loves to give me flowers. Well, he used to give me flowers. But then I told him not to bother - either buy me a plant that is alive or some other practical gift, but don't buy me something that is already dead.  It is a waste of money.

So, today when someone gave me flowers it shook up the natural order of things in our house...
because..

I cried.

What????

I pride myself on being practical.  Yeah, yeah, yeah...I notice the danger with that word pride.  I grew up in a home where there was very little praise.  Mostly anything was praise that simply was the absence of  telling me to something faster, or better, or more, or something.  I really only got praise for one area in my life (and that praise was infrequent but it was praise) and that was for my academic ability.  So, I went with it and had my doctorate degree at age 25.

Anyway, I love Gary Chapman's concept of Love Languages.  I recommend it for almost all people that I see.  If you have not heard of it, I highly, highly, highly recommend reading his book.

His idea that a person has a "love tank" that, like a fuel tank, needs to be filled with the correct kind of fuel for that vehicle is one that is very helpful when we think of how we seek to "love" on other and how we feel "love" in return.

The 5 Languages are: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, and Acts of Service.

We already know where I stand on Gifts.

I am an Acts of Service person through and through.  At least that is what I thought.   A few months ago my husband and I took one of the online quizzes for fun to find out what we matched up to be.  I was not surprised to find that I am Acts of Service, but I was shocked to find just how high my Quality Time and Words of Affirmation scores were.  After all, I have NO quality time to spend with anyone except my family - and I hardly ever call it quality time since it seems to all be "don't," "stop," "do this," "why didn't you do this," and "why in the WORLD would you EVER do THAT?!?!?!"

Additionally, I have thought of Words of Affirmation as being weak.  After all, if I have done a good job I know it.  I don't need someone to give me a pat on the back.  If I have done a bad job, I also know it and I surely don't like it when someone point that out!

What I haven't really thought about before though is how much I actually do need Words of Affirmation.  I won't let myself accept that because it places me in a position I really, really dislike...vulnerability.    I have spent most of my life pulling myself up by my bootstraps.  God has spent a lot of time reminding me that I desperately need him and he does not think my "works" are worth a hoot.  He wants my heart.  He wants me.  But, I often forget that lesson and get wrapped back up in what I can count on...my own service (yes, you can laugh at my foolishness).

The problem with that is that I am empty.  Plum empty.  I have poured myself out into my Acts of Service and I have got nothing left.  I am struggling to refuel.  I find that most of what I think about are complaints.  So, I escape into my books where the world turns out perfect with no conflicts.  But, that is so incredibly not reality.  So, I keep asking myself what I need to do get filled back up.  I worship.  I read my Bible.  I meditate on the truths about and of God.  What is my problem?

Today God took a small gift (don't think that I miss the irony) and broke the issue wide open for me.

Today some parents sent me flowers to say "thank you."  I cried.  Then my husband looked at me like I had 7 heads and said, "What is up with that?!?!  You liked getting flowers?!?!?!  You never like it when I get you flowers?!?!?!"

I realized that it was not the flowers, but it was the message...I was being appreciated.

Getting flowers today was such a touching gift.  It really opened some scars for me and made me think about things differently.  It also made me remember the times when others have given me small tokens of appreciation (a couple of ladies in particular have given me balloons and cards over the years) and I still remember those gifts so incredibly fondly and am still deeply touched by their time for that small act.  In fact, I assumed when I saw the flowers today that they were from one of them lol!

So I will ponder this newly discovered need of mine.  I will try to open myself up to more vulnerability and tell people what I need from them.  Even if it is fresh cut flowers;)

Family Pictures!

Family Pictures...the thought of them about gives me the hives.  The anticipation of getting 8 of us ready to take pictures that will define "2014," while having everyone clean and smiling is about enough to prevent me from doing them.

Which is why we hardly ever do family pictures.

 When Beautiful was a baby, I think we did pictures about once a year.  I remember one year she was sleeping before the appointment at Walmart and I had to carry her to the car.  Once we got to Walmart I realized that I had not brought her any shoes...  We went to buy her a pair but I kept talking really loud about how I was silly that I forgot her shoes and so had to buy her a new pair.  I was working at the prison at that time and was quite paranoid that an undercover security officer was going to assume I was shoplifting.  Yeah, I have lots of life altering experiences from working in prisons for 9 years.  But...on with the family pictures.

Once Buddy was born we still managed to take pictures about every year or so, but they weren't necessarily taking professionally.  Then came Grace.  To take formal pictures when we didn't know if she would be a part of the family...or to wait???  Then 4 days before her adoption was final and we could take family pictures Superman and Faith came.  We thought we would have them adopted soon but it took another 18 months...so we never got it done.  Quite honestly, the thought of taking 3 toddlers and 2 older children somewhere to take a formal pictures was way WAY too overwhelming.  Then our church directory picture was done in July of 2010 and we got a formal family pictures!!!!...then JJ came less than a month later...

When JJ was 1 we went to a place a friend recommended in Lincoln.  We were pleased with the photos.

When JJ was 2 we did the amazing photos that are shown on the side of this blog.  They are done every other year by a mom's group south of Aurora.  I LOVED the experience.  The price was even decent - for us it was about $200 to get all 6 of the kids pics, in costumes, group and individual, all of the actual physical pictures in all sizes AND the disk to get as many more as I wanted or used them electronically and in photobooks.  We thought we would do it again this year.  However, the only downside was that my husband and I weren't in the pictures.

So, we did not do any pictures last year and this year we decided to get whole family pictures with a local amazingly talented photographer.  And we did them today:)

I could almost say that preparing for this experience was more stressful for me than our impulsive 7 day in advance planned trip to Disney World this spring.  I am NOT a person who cares about or even has on my radar screen anything related to "looking good."  I am practical and functional.  Most of our clothes come from hand me downs.  I HATE shopping.  One reason I was thrilled to be gone from working for the Dept. of Corrections is that I no longer had to adhere to a dress code.  I may be more casually dressed for what people expect when they come to my office, but I am comfortable lol!  Monochromatic colors work great as they don't clash with anything.  Denim is my friend:)

So, trying to think of how to find 8 outfits in our house that would all match up was... AHHHHHHH!  I tried going with all green when there were only 4 of us and it was not a good outcome.

So, I decided we would all match.  We would all wear WHITE!

We went to Kohls and we found white shirts.  We couldn't all find matching white shirts so just Beautiful and I wore different shirts from the rest, although similar to each other.  It was good enough!

Props - I left that to Beautiful.  She loves Pinterest and she really is very creative.  She came up with a list of ideas and showed me some adorable pictures that we were able to do.  I am really excited to see how they turned out.  But, for me, a prop is a nice background while we sit generically in front of it smiling.  I would never think of creative things.  I am thankful for Beautiful's ideas in that area.

So this is what today looked like after all of the anticipation stress:

I got up and fed all of the kids turkey bacon and eggs.  Trying to make them happy and compliant;)

Then I did my hour on the treadmill and listened to praise music to get me ready...

Then I had to IRON all of the shirts.  IRON!!  I really dislike ironing.  I usually iron about...3 times a year if I am really unfortunate.  I burned myself.  Probably because I am so out of practice.  

About then I realized it was noon and I still had to shower...and feed people again.  I realized that I still had not eaten yet today other than some turkey bacon (I counted it as protein and a snack for my diet lol!)  I got that done.  Thankfully there were plenty of left overs from my husband spending all day yesterday smoking...chicken;)

At that point I made a crucial decision.  I decided that just like on an airplane when one needs to take care of themselves before caring for others - I had to get ready first.  It ended up working out well as everyone else was on the "last minute" schedule.

So... hair!  Ugg.  I don't usually do a thing to my hair.  So, trying to figure out how to do my hair for all of posterity is a stressor.  Faith got her hair done by a friend awhile back and that was the catalyst for me to say "we are going to get these pictures done soon while she is still cute from that style!"  lol!.    Beautiful is always gorgeous.  Grace's hair is stick straight.  How to keep it out of her eyes?  Buddy's hair is long - how to keep that looking nice when it is wavy and...long?  The other 3 guys I just buzz their hair as I can't handle dealing with any more hair lol!

I told everyone to find a pair of jeans and report back to me in them so I could approve it.  Faith could not find jeans that fit her (that girl is growing...and curving.  I am not sure that Beautiful's hand me downs are going to work for her...sigh...).  So, I had to dig through the hand me downs totes in the addition and try to find a pair of jeans that would fit her.  I finally found some after she tried on quite a few.  Whew.

Got everyone pottied, dressed, and told them the expectations.

I grabbed all of the Disney World shirts that I had ironed and on hangers to do a quick change in the van after the other pictures.  I hustled JJ out of my bedroom in front of me and he sneezed...then proceed to turn around and grab, yes, you guessed it, a handful of the t-shirts in my arms and wiped his nose with them!!  I told him to stop and pulled the shirts away...then he then grabbed HIS WHITE SHIRT and started wiping with that!!!!!  Thankfully nothing appeared to be permanently amiss and I got us all in the van.

Now all that I had left to worry about was...

Smiles.  Some of my kids can do a genuine smile.  Some...not so much.  To get them all to have a genuine smile AT THE SAME TIME?!?!?!?!  

Distraction...how to get them to all look at the camera AT THE SAME TIME?!?!?!

However, the photographer was GREAT.  She personally knows all of us so she didn't get frustrated with the distracted ones, or when JJ decided early on that he had taken enough pictures, or when I hollered out too many orders to my kids and disrupted her process, or when Buddy laid on the ground in pain from his broken toe and didn't do what the rest of us were doing.  She had great ideas and was more than willing to incorporate some of our ideas.

I am also glad it was local.  I didn't have to dress people up and drive over an hour hoping people were still clean and happy with unwrinkled clothing.  When it was over we were home within 5 minutes and enjoyed ice cream and lemonade (well, all the kids got ice cream;)

So, family pictures are done.  It actually made me a little sad.  In all likelihood the next time we will do formal family pictures is at Beautiful's wedding.  It just occurred to me that if I was stressed today I will be REALLY stressed that day...

Oh well, no sense borrowing stress.  I am thankful for today's pictures and for our family.  I am looking forward to putting these pictures on the wall and remembering that no matter how stressed I got about the pictures, we have a memorable and fun snapshot of our family in 2014:)

Now if I can just get my husband to get the family pictures framed...from the past 10 years;)

My week in review

I usually have made topical posts.  I get these posts in my head on a topic...and never get them written down.  So, I thought I would try to just write about a week at a time and what God is teaching me.  That may help me to actually stay posting!  So, this post will be a bit random;)

We taught Sunday School for the 2nd week.  This week went well.  There are some things that I need to get ironed out in terms of structure, but I'll get there.  There were two things that happened this week that were notable to me.  One of the 4 year old girls is just a riot.  She is one of those "thinking" kids who sits back and considers things, then lets loose.  For some reason I thought it hilarious when she spoke up and said, "do you know how old I was when I first realized I was a kid?"  I responded, "how old?"  She said, "2."  I asked her what she was before that and she told me, "1" with a tone in her voice of incredulity that I wouldn't know that 1 came before 2.

We then gave out 2 craft sticks and had them color them to depict John the Baptist and Jesus.  We modeled the Bible story through that.  Then we let the kids just do their own puppet show with each other.  It, as expected, morphed into random play.  The girls really impressed me with making 2 craft sticks into "V," "T," and other letters.  Then I noticed the boys.  Two of the 3 boys did letters a bit while my son (yes, my son) turned his into a "scissors" and played that he cut my husband.  That got the boys into playing "swords" with each other...sigh...  The the above mentioned girl got into the fray heading for my son (again, it was my son) and he ran terrified of her and hid behind my husband.  Yep, my son knows all about how to run from girls and make any object into a weapon.  Who needs the alphabet?

************

I have been gaining weight.  Yuck.  All summer I was on the treadmill 4 - 6 days a week for a hour and only gained weight.  I had already been mostly sticking with a low fat diet for a year before that.  So, I decided to bite the bullet and go on an official diet.  I chose the Arbonne 28 day cleanse.  Today is 1 week since I started the protein shakes, etc.  However, I started the healthy eating part of it 4 days before that.  So far I have lost 7 lbs.  I am thrilled with that.  Since I want to keep the weight off after the cleanse I am trying to figure out what the difference is this week.  I have discovered 1 major difference and it made me puzzle out the "whys" of my eating habits (nothing can just be simple with me.  I have to over analyze EVERYTHING!)  My husband and I both grew up in homes with little money.  Food was tight.  For my husband it was even more so.  They hunted and fished for their food.  Squirrel, rabbit, deer, whatever.  If they shot it they ate.  If they didn't...they didn't.  So, finishing the food on one's plate was important.  We knew how hard it was to get food.  For me we ate the pork, chicken, and beef grown from our farm (to this day I have trouble eating "bone-in" chicken...uggg).  We ate the fruits and vegetables harvested from our garden.  The food was directly related to the fruit of our labors.  We appreciated the food.  We ate the food.  All of the food on our plates.

I realized that I have carried that over in some unhealthy ways.  Having a family of 8 (2 who are very, very picky eaters) results in a lot of food that gets left on plates.  I don't have a problem with leftovers, but leftovers already served onto a plate?  Those usually aren't enough to save.  If it is enough, we do save it and have the kids eat it for the next meal (especially when the kid won't eat it because "I don't LIKE broccoli!!"  But, the food on those plates...I eat.  Can't waste it can I?  But I have just been "waisting" it.  So, I have stopped doing that.  Clearly it is making a difference.  Apparently I was eating a lot of left overs!

The other thing the above insights about my growing up made me realize has to do with my canning.  We do a lot of canning.  We have a lot of canned goods.  I don't use up all of my canning from one year to the next.  In fact, it would probably force me into high anxiety if we did.  After all, what if we didn't get any harvest the next year?  How would we eat?!?!  So, each year we can more, and more, and more.  I can't stand seeing the fresh food go to waste either.  So, if someone else has "extra" harvest they can't get rid of, I'll take it and can it.  God grew that food, it should be preserved and eaten:)  I get sad when I see all of  the tomatoes that rotted on our vines with this cold and rainy weather...sigh...  At least we take the apples that fall on the ground and feed them to the deer;)

********

We are one of "those" families who don't believe in immunizations like "they" recommend them.  That is not to say that we don't immunize, but we are cautious.  In particular with JJ we have been very cautious.  He was such a tiny and sickly baby that we didn't immunize until he was 9 months old.  Then, when that weakened his immune system fighting off the vaccination, he got RSV within a week.  May or may not have been related but sure did scare us.  So, we didn't attempt another immunization until he was well.  Well, he has been well about 2 years now so I finally got it back on my radar screen to do round 2.  We got that taken last week.  The woman in the office was appalled with me.  She kept going over the rules about school and day care and his need to be immunized.  I advised her that he had never been in either...so she stopped questioning me.  That led to the actual immunization...

We warned him ahead of time.  I cleared my life for 3 full days afterwards.  I expected a sick and grumpy child and wanted to be able to help him get better.  He whined all the way there.  My husband and I both went in with him to hold him down.  He got them.  He cried about 4 seconds.  He then complained that his leg hurt and really "needed" that band aide on there. Then...he changed.  Everyone in our family has noticed it.  It is like they injected the kid with high amounts of caffeine.  He never got sick but he sure has a LOT more energy!  Whatever caused that...  It appears we can now move forward with the rest of the immunization schedule and not worry that he will get sick again:)

I really, really, REALLY enjoyed having 3 days "off."  It was great to get a break.  Got some house cleaning done.  And did a whole lot of nothing;)  Life has been so insanely busy for...ever...that it was good:)

**********

I tend to write about JJ more because it is a "safer" topic.  The other kids tend to just bring up issues of frustration, fear, and feelings of an utter lack of control.  If I were to write about the actual issues we have with the kids most of it would just be complaining.  So...if I can't say anything nice I just try not to say anything at all!!!

I will say though that because we are a home schooling family a huge chunk of our life revolves around educating our kids.  The weight of educating 4 kids with learning disabilities and IEP's, another who should have one, and one who is able but utterly unmotivated is exhausting, frustrating, and many other emotions that I can not name.  Mostly it inspires feelings of being totally out of control with no idea how to move forward.  The school has been wonderful and helpful, respecting our choice to home school.  They, too, are frustrated with the issues we deal with.  It is actually a bit validating to know that it is not "just us" but instead that people who are trained specifically with those issues are also puzzled on what to try next.

Grace...ah...Grace...  To be sure, she is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better on the supplements.  I can't remember if I have actually posted many follow ups on the neuro chemical supplements we are using.  Her behavior is less impulsive.  She is off all of her sleep meds.  She is more manageable.  There are many things that are not improved, but that are probably as good as they ever will get.  The arguing is the worse.  She always has to have the last word.  She will never...stop...talking/arguing.  The other very hard issue with her are her numerous learning issues.  I was very anxious about starting her in school this year.  So far she is doing fairly well, as long as we sit with her and read things to her she is able to do well.  She absolutely cannot decode words which means anything involving reading...and math...are struggles.  Which is everything.  But...she is amazingly creative and awesome as she makes up her dolls hair:)  She wants to be a baby nurse when she grows up.  If she can't handle that she would be great as a cosmetologist:)

We have started experimenting with Essential Oils.  We shall see if results are worth it...

JJ and Beautiful are sitting here having a conversation that is going like this:
Beautiful:  JJ, why are you so cute?!
JJ: Because I'm JJ!  I have to be cute!!

Ah...a little humor:)

Beautiful is getting A's in her 2 college courses.  The psychology course's professor is driving me crazy but we have learned the "system" that is used so Beautiful is doing well there.

I am very excited that we just got our new Blu Ray Clear Play machine!  I love Clearplay but our DVD player died and we have been waiting for the Blu Ray machine to be released.  We have been watching a lot more movies with the old kids so it will be nice to edit the unpleasant parts from the movies.  Of course...I have to figure out how to set it up...and we all know my ability to work on electronic devices:(  But once I have it figured out it will be great lol!

Well that about covers the week(ish).  God sustains me.  Trusting Him gets me out of bed in the morning.  His insights help me to try to be better each day.  Being disciplined by Him reminds me of all the ways I continue to fail and need Him.  It's all good:)