Our First 24 Hours With Faith Home:)

 The past 24 hours has been a bit surreal. We got a call on Thursday that they were sending a bunch of kids home for passes a week early due to several more positive covid tests. Rather than risk getting the kids exposed and having to cancel the first home passes in 10 months they opted to let parents come and get their children. Since Faith was discharging in a week, she just discharged a week early. And, yes - if you are reading between the lines, Grace is not home because she is one of the exposed kids. Praise God she has had 2 negative tests though so once their house quarantine is over we can bring her home for her visit (in theory). 

We are so thankful for this week to transition home with Faith before Grace comes. We were concerned with how we were going to handle both of them coming at once and not being able to give both of them intentional time. They still get along, umm, very poorly. 

We have had a lot of peace about Faith coming home. It is earlier than they wanted her to come home, but we believed and advocated for her to come home now. 

Our first 24 hours has been- surreal. It is kind of like bringing home a child for the first time. You wonder what it will be like but when it happens it is so different.  She is not the child she was 10 months ago. She has clearly gained much maturity, humility, confidence, self-awareness, other-awareness, genuineness, and...joy:) I have broken down crying several times just looking at her and being so happy she is actually here, or listening to her talk (she actually TALKS to us now!), or when SHE initiated a touch when she walked past me, and ESPECIALLY when she allowed me to hug her while I prayed for her last night. 

It is truly a blessing to be able to hold your child while you are praying for her rather than praying from afar:) And to have her accept that hug:)

And the laughter and giggling? I tear up every time I hear it. Joy. She has joy. I don't know if I have ever, in the 12 years she has been with us, felt her be this happy and content. 

Of course we have some transition awkwardness. Superman and JJ are not quite sure what to expect from her so are acting off. She has picked up on that and it makes her feel sad that they are uncomfortable with her. But, she is actually talking to us about her feelings. That is a first:) She is still getting used to being home vs in her structured environment - asking permission to go to her room for a sweatshirt or use the restroom. One time when she did it today while playing video games with Superman he looked at her weird then lightened the mood by saying, "no, you have to hold it in for the rest of your life!" Superman handles awkwardness with humor:) She thanked my husband and I for giving her the benefit of the doubt and not making her feel like she is coming home under a microscope. I thought that was a very insightful comment:)

Because we did not expect her to be home this week I did not take off of work (like I did next week). So, I am working 12-14 hour days 3 days this week and the other day I work all day until Superman's basketball game so I won't see her much:( She will hang out with my husband and help with the kitchen remodel lol! And get her room in order. Then Grace comes home on Friday.... Prayers for those days she is home are greatly appreciated. Grace made a bunch of bad decisions last week again. Every time I see the caller ID from her house on a day she is not set to call us I feel so sad... She gets so mad at herself for messing up but just doesn't stop. We keep trying to treat each of those calls with grace and forgiveness and unconditional love - but I am so sad for when she looks back on her life later after she gets it figured out and feels the shame and guilt of her choices. So many of the people I work with are so heavily laden with regret of their life choices... Grace has enough to overcome, she doesn't need that too. But, we can't make her choices for her. She is exactly where she needs to be to get the help she needs. We will keep praying:)

The girls are coming home for Christmas...and one is staying

 The girls are coming home for 10 days over Christmas. After much prayer and consideration we have decided that Faith will remain home. There are a lot of pieces to that decision that I will not bore you with now, but it is not a decision that has been made lightly. She has done exceptionally well while in residential treatment and really the only thing that would keep her there is our fear that she hasn't made lasting change. How is a person really supposed to know if someone else is truly repentant and committed to change? I guess looking at the fruit of the behavior is the only real answer. Since we aren't allowed visits off campus with her, or weekends home, etc we are unable to assess that in our home. So... we are taking a leap of faith that what she is doing there will generalize home. We have some "deal breakers" that if she does them again will result in her application going back in and they have said they will take her back. So... please be praying for her transition back home.

Grace...is making poor choices. We got another call about her last night. I am not even surprised anymore. I am just so utterly sad for her that if she ever gets things figured out that she will have to look back on these decisions and deal with the reality that she did them. I will say that when she found out that Faith was coming home and she was not (despite her being there longer) she handled it with maturity. That was encouraging:)  Please pray for her heart as well.

I, personally, am a mess. I am working way too much and... well, I am not doing a good job of practicing what I teach others about self-care lol! I won't go into more detail as I am afraid with my state of mind right now it will just sound like a bunch of complaining. I am not in a good head space right now. I want this visit to go well and the transition to Faith returning home to be positive. I want to be intentional about it and get us started on the right foot without fears and old baggage getting in the way. I want the boys to not be anxious about this transition. I want all of us to give her the benefit of the doubt. I want her to feel loved and that she belongs. Please pray for our time together and the transition:) 

So many people are hurting right now. Find your people and connect. Get help if you need it. Find support. Get sleep and do good self-care. Be in the Word. Trust the Word. Remind yourself constantly to keep the main things the main things. This life is not for the feint of heart or for the unintentional.

It has been one year since Grace left...

 One year ago Grace left our home to go into residential treatment. A year. That is a long time. I have tried to write about this many times but I don't really have anything positive to say about it, and it has been hard for me to have any resolution about any of it. Our interactions with her are complicated and I often have a lot of anxiety about it. She has had one birthday and will have at least one more before she comes home. The pandemic has made it so difficult to have contact (just like with the rest of the world). We get weekly phone calls and have had 3 face to face visits since March. 1 of them went ok. With that said, the current plan for the holidays is to let all of the kids go home for 10 days. 

Yes, 10 days. After not getting to spend more than 5 hours total with her since March, and that in a supervised setting that often did not go well, we will have her home with us for 10 days. Please pray for that visit if you think of it. I am anxious. We are all anxious. 

It has been a year of learning how to love her from afar knowing she has to make the choices to think and act responsibly. We cannot do that for her. We are thankful for the staff and the program. They keep working with her and trying to encourage us along the way too:) Obviously the same goes for Faith who has been gone there since March. She is making really good progress though and we are hopeful she will be home by next summer. At this point it looks like Grace will be there a lot longer than Faith will. 

Meanwhile, at home we have learned what a healthy home can look like. The boys have come a long way and we have healed a lot as a family of 5. The time together due to the pandemic has been peaceful and healing for us. We have enjoyed all of the time we have had together. 

Unfortunately after the initial months of us being really intentional about being together, playing games, connecting, etc it has become routine. Between that, my insanely busy work schedule due to the negative impact of this pandemic on mental health, and Superman going back to school/sports and being gone 12 hours a day we are a bit disconnected again. Fear of the future of economy, election, and finances are more prominent for me that I would like and is having a negative impact on me. Add to that my sadness and fears about how Grace is doing and decisions we need to make about Faith I have been struggling. 

If you think of it, please pray for Grace to understand and take responsibility for her choices. To do what is right. Please pray for Faith that the many gains she is showing right now are authentic, and for us to have wisdom and discernment about when she is to return home. There is a slight possibility that she will be able to come home even at Christmas (to come home for the break and then not return). However, we struggle to know if she is just doing well now and hasn't really embraced the change - therefore if we bring her home prematurely we will have to do this all over again. Again, prayer for the discernment of that decision is coveted!

And, again, please pray that Christmas break would be a relaxing connecting time for our family. Not full of anxiety, conflict, hostility, and fear. 

Everyone in the world is experiencing their own fears and anxieties with their own life situations. Thank you for caring about ours and being an encouragement and prayer support to us:)

25 Years of Marriage!

We celebrated 25 years of marriage in July!  We have talked since our honeymoon when we went on a Caribbean cruise that we wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise for our 25th. We had to cancel the trip due to the pandemic so decided to celebrate with an outdoor adventure that would minimize risk. We headed to the mountains and this hike was our "25th anniversary outing." We were at the park by 6 a.m. to get the hike started. As we walked for a total of 3 hours we talked about how the journey of the hike mirrored the journey of our marriage. Here are my thoughts, with fun pictures as a bonus!

This picture reminds me of how happy and naive we were at the beginning of our marriage. No one has a clue on their wedding day what marriage will be like lol! We had an idea of the destination we wanted amidst various options people consider when they look ahead in their lives, and we set out with those goals in mind. Specifically about the hike, our goal was Fern Falls which was not all the way to Fern Lake. We had never seen real water falls (except the ones in the middle of Sioux Falls) so had looked for a hike that offered that specific destination.

The hike was so beautiful! There were a lot of trees and ferns. I was thinking about how God directed our path in those early years. There were stumbling blocks and pitfalls, but despite the obstacles we stayed the course and chose to move forward. 

Looking at this massive rock avalanche I considered the magnitude of what it would have been like to be present when it happened! I thought about when we were saved a few years into our marriage and all we were saved from- protected from- just like we did not have to be carried away in this avalanche. We were saved during a time that if God had not intervened I am not sure we would have chosen to remain married. God is so good:)

The mountain stream was so gorgeous! I could have sat and watched it for hours...if we did not have to keep moving toward our goal lol! I did think about the scripture "He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul for His name's sake." We had a time after we were saved when we rested in Him. He gave us restoration as we changed from the narrative of the world to His narrative. I quit my full time "safe" job with a "safe" salary and stepped out in faith to start a private practice so that we could home school our 2 children - feeling strongly led to do that at the time. God has blessed us abundantly through the years for that step of faith, although admittedly there were several years of trust building through "give us this day our daily bread." On this side of that decision I can see where He was every day, but then it was a terrifying decision and was a time learning to trust Him. Unfortunately it was not the only time he took us through one of those "restoration" periods teaching us to rely on and trust Him - but He has faithfully done it every time we have needed it. 

Sunrise. Watching as the Son rose more completely in our lives.

And the deer. Any good vacation with my husband involves an animal;) 

Finally, we reached our first destination - "The Pool." It was about a mile in, I think. It was beautiful. I felt like this marked about the 10 year mark in our marriage. The trajectory of our lives changed significantly at this point. On the one hand it got much harder. On the other hand our connection solidified in a way that had not been present before. 

Another view of "The Pool." Again, I could have sat and watched it for a long time. 

The signs said our path was one way, but we couldn't really see a specific path. My husband said, let's climb up those rocks and see if the path lies beyond it. He was right:) The path to the right was our path - the one that went up and was very rocky. The path to the left was more level and easier - but not our path;) Just like our life for the next 15 years...

Another thought I had - we saw few people on this trail. Maybe 15 total? And only 6 after "The Pool." It felt a lot like our life. There are not many people who have walked our path and "get it." It has often felt isolating. But when we have met those people who do get it? That connection has been powerful. Thankfully, through it all, God and my husband have remained a constant:)

The trail kept going up and there were a lot of rocks in the path. It was so beautiful. I kept singing "How Great Is Our God" in my head just marveling at His creations. 

Then we came to this stream and realized we had to traverse it over a log lol! Yep, seems like our life all right lol!

The trees thinned out for awhile as we kept walking, and walking... I started singing "just keep swimming, just keep swimming" in my head lol! After we got home I shared that with my husband and he burst out laughing saying that as he was following me on the path (most of the time it was too narrow to walk next to each other) he kept expecting me to turn around and exclaim "why are you following me? Who are you?!?!?" like Dori did after she told Nemo to follow her - then forgot lol! It is often a little freaky how often my husband and I share the same mind/thoughts. We are a good pair. He is a good man:) 

We came to one waterfall that was not close to us. We stood there for awhile and wondered if that was where we were headed. There was no sign to say we were at Fern Falls. We saw it through a bunch of trees. We felt like it was a little disappointing and we wondered if our expectations were off. We talked it through and felt like it wasn't where we were supposed to be heading and decided to keep going. It was a mountain stream on our right that we had been following most of the 2nd part of the hike. It also reminded of us of our marriage. So many times we have wondered, "is this it?" 

Then, out of the silence, we heard a branch crack to our right and 10+ feet in front of us a cow moose bolted across the path in front of us. I was frozen in terror and my husband grabbed my shoulders. He later said it was to throw me to the side if the moose ran our way. Thankfully it ran to our left. While I was frozen in fear my husband was almost shaking me saying "take a picture! take a picture!" LOL! I am so thankful it ran across the path and not down it as the moose was so close that I would not have had time to get out of its way. So many hidden dangers, just like in life. We have had so many issues hit us out of left field that have left us reeling. So many unexpected threats and potential threats. But we continued on the path laid before us and trusted...and kept walking. 

Then the hike took a turn. Literally. No longer were we walking along the mountain stream that was to our right. The path turned left and there was silence. No water sounds. Were we going the right way? Was our destination back a ways and we were not content with it?  Thinking there had to be "more?" The path got even rockier and the elevation higher...

The side of the path began to get steeper. We stopped and deliberated. I was ready to turn back. My husband said that he thought we should continue... So we did. How many times have we done that for each other during the journey God has us on? When one of us wants to turn back/give up on something hard the other remains strong and lends strength and courage to continue...

And continue...even when it looks harder and harder than we can handle (or want it to be)...

But then, we heard it:)

We saw it:)

We got so close we felt the cool spray of the water on our skin:) 

It was glorious and beautiful. Not polished and commercialized. There were dead trees laying across the falls. But, just like life, it was a beautiful creation that had the reality of hardship all around it that made it even more real. 

We sat there and watched it for awhile. We prayed and thanked God for the 25 years He has given us and asked for wisdom, discernment, faith,  and courage for whatever He has planned for us next. 

I love this man. I love my God. I am thankful for every rock, valley, elevation, tree, and moose that He has put in my path because it has drawn me closer to Him. I pray that I walk this path faithfully. 

How we are doing with self-quarantine:)

The short answer? Delightfully well:)

I realize that we are in the middle of a pandemic with so many unknowns medically, financially, economically, etc. Yet, at this time anyway, I feel like God has been protecting us and holding us in safety. I am trying every day to stay focused on His goodness and blessings. I often start to feel guilty feeling like I don't deserve for us to be doing well when so many are not, but then I remind myself that I don't deserve any of what Jesus has done for me and to focus on being thankful for God's sovereignty - in the good and in the bad.

Family: I am delighting in this time with our sons. I am sad that our girls are not with us but, in total honesty, it would have been indescribably difficult if they were here with us during the self-quarantine. I am so thankful they are getting the instruction they need and that they are safe where they are. I am also very, very thankful that we have this respite from their behavior. Getting to know our sons during this time has been a joy. We have seen Buddy out of his room more in the past 6 weeks than we have seen him total in the past 10 years. He eats a meal a day with us, plays at least one game with us every day, comes out just to talk to us, and goes for walks on nice days with us (and still gets A's in all of his classes lol!). He is so fun to be around. Buddy often tells us that he loves this time - he is an extreme introvert and is enjoying not having to leave the house lol! Superman is having a harder time. He is an extreme extrovert and being without his friends is very hard on him - but he has a good attitude about it. With his sisters gone it also means that he has taken on some of their chores (all of us reallocated chores so he did not get all of them) and with his lack of attention to detail he hasn't liked that much lol! But he is home! He used to be gone all of the time with sports/friends/school so it is has been fun to get to better know the young man he is growing into. He is learning the board games that we never got to play before due to the toxicity of our home with the girls here and it is fun to see how he thinks:) We have played almost every single game we have in the house - multiple times lol! JJ has been doing so well! He is sleeping through the night (except a handful of nights), his tantrums have all but stopped, and he is doing better with school. The current calmness of our home has allowed significant healing for all of us.

Eating: We have more time for cooking more involved meals and eating as a family. When this first started we asked "speed friending" questions during our meals but now we don't need that to have good conversation anymore. We are making the kids' favorite meals and snacks and Superman and JJ have been learning more about cooking. My husband and I are as dairy and gluten free as we can handle right now so that has also forced healthier meals lol!

Grandkids: I am sad that we don't get to have them over to our house. But, I am thankful that we have gotten to go on walks with them. Bella can run over a mile and keep up with us!! She is quite the energetic child...gets it from her mother;) It is a blessing that we live so close and we still get to see them. I make them treats and we see each other through the glass door now and again:) Oh, and the FaceTime. Bella and Jr. are learning all about "talking" on the phone though FaceTime!!! Today Bella made "blue cake" and "fed" it to us through the phone. She is so precious:)

Daughter and Son-in-Law: We are so thankful for them!!!  We attempt to not leave the house for anything - so our SIL brings us groceries that we can't order in, etc. Last night he brought us take out for the first time in 6 weeks! It was delicious:) He doesn't come in the house anymore but we exchange on the porch and move on:)

Work: I am so incredibly thankful that I can still work, and that I can work from home! While I am grateful for that, I will admit that work is very exhausting right now. Trying to connect with people over a computer screen (I use a HIPPA compliant Telehealth platform) is so exhausting and nothing like meeting in person. On top of that so many people are hurting so much right now:( There are people I am seeing multiple times a week just trying to keep them stable through this time. So many hurting people, so much anxiety, so many unknowns. It is even harder than when the typical advice to people would be to encourage them to interact with others, get out of the house, do hobbies, etc and right now no one can do that...

Unfortunately that means that I am wearing my "psychologist hat" a lot and trying to keep that "hat" on while downstairs working then walking upstairs a couple of minutes later and having to put on "mom" and "wife" hat. It has made for some interesting transitions. Thankfully my family has been incredibly supportive and understanding of my erratic work schedule during this time.

My mental health: I am working hard to do the things that I am encouraging others to do. I get up at 7:30 every morning and run 5 miles (according to my iwatch) on my trampoline. I am taking all of my vitamins and drinking a lot of water. I am in the Word daily reminding myself of God's truths and sovereignty. I am spending intentional time with my family. I am eating healthy. I am doing projects every day to keep focused on goals and have purpose. I definitely have days when I have less energy and less concentration/focus but I try to give myself grace on those days and still do things to feel productive. My love language is Acts of Service so it is important to me to "check things off a list" to feel good about the day. Initially I did a lot of cleaning and baking/cooking. Now I am moving into longer projects that I haven't done for years like catching up on scrapbooks for the kids and getting back to working on a denim quilt I haven't work on in over 8 years.

Connecting with others: This has been a hard one for me. I told myself at the beginning of this that I would be intentional about texting with people to let them know I am thinking of them and trying to be encouraging. However, I have to be honest that after "connecting" with people for up to 10 hours a day via a computer for work I am sick of communication devices and just want to avoid them lol! Even so, I think I am doing a better job than I did before when life was crazy busy for other reasons. With that said, despite me being a strong introvert I am so thankful there are 5 of us living in this house and even I am ready to talk to people in person.  Uff da!

Is everything perfect? Of course not. But when I do start to panic about something (admittedly it has happened quite a few times over the past 6 weeks) I bring my mind back to Truth. I am thankful for how He has protected us during this time. I know that life won't always be as calm as it is right now (and the past 13 years certainly were not!!!) but I am sure delighting in it right now:)

Update on our Girls

We could never have predicted that 1 week after we dropped Faith off at the group home that we would not be able to go back to visit. It has been 6 weeks since we dropped her off and last saw her or Grace. They seem to be doing ok. They are in separate homes and social distancing like everyone else. They do call each other and chat. Their programming is affected, just like with everyone else. The staff there all deserve 10 times their salaries dealing with the ramifications of this pandemic while working with so many traumatized youth.

Faith has been seeing things that seem to be making her re-think her choices. Normally she wanted little to do with us other than to push away. But, she is allowed a phone call once a week to us (we can call in anytime) and the past couple of weeks has asked us to call her midweek so that she doesn't have to go a whole week between talking with us. She still isn't real talkative when we are on the calls but it is touching that she wants us to call. Wednesday she actually said that she is seeing a lot of hard situations and realizes how good she had it at home with us. That leaves us hopeful for the heart change that we daily pray for her:)

Grace's choices were getting poorer and poorer. She was supposed to come home for 2 days the end of March. We ended up telling her that based on her behavior there and on the phone calls with us that even if the quarantine did not result in her not being able to come home for a visit, we would not have let her come home as we did not think we could handle her. She gave some push back about that but has had better reports since then. They are struggling with the same issues with her there as she had here. It is validating that it is not just with us that she acts this way. But at the same time it burdens my heart that she isn't making better choices. She has been gone almost 7 months.

There are days I am still overwhelmed with sadness that we had to make this decision. Then I work hard to remind myself that we had to do what would be the best to help them even though it is such a hard decision. Then I think about what life would have been like during this self-quarantine if they had been home... It would have been very bad. Then I think of all of the families who are struggling because members of the family are toxic and no one can get away for any respite right now. I am praying for those families!!!

So, right now I am rejoicing in my quiet male dominated home:) It has been a bit of an adjustment to being the only female but I am reveling in the lack of drama. Thank you Jesus!!

I Feel Like a Frog in a Pot of Boiling Water

I feel like the frog that was put in a pot of water, the heat turned up making it hotter and hotter, and not knowing that I am slowing boiling to death. I am a person who, when I experience various somatic symptoms, will tell myself to just move forward. Even with my kiddos I will tell them they don't need a band aid unless the blood is actually running down their leg lol!

For the past 13 years my husband and I have been in crisis mode. Yes, we chose to adopt our kiddos. Yes, it is not what we thought it would be. Yes, we would do it again. Yes, it has permanently changed us - both mentally and physically. While mentally I think it has been part of an important sanctification process of growth, physically it has not been good for either of us.

I have gone back and forth about what to share here because health is a personal issue (not like the other things I write about are not). But I have had quite a few people ask questions about what we have been doing differently so decided I wanted to be transparent in case others have the same issues. I wish I had known sooner to seek some answers - and where to go to get help.

When Grace left for a higher level of care 6 months ago I committed myself to be more intentional about healing mentally and physically. I knew that I was not feeling right. I went in for some basic blood work that all came back normal. I knew, though, that I was not feeling right and did not think it was "just" from the stress of dealing with...what we have dealt with the the past decade+.

Additionally, I was attending EMDR conferences that year after year kept talking about the negative impacts of stress and trauma on our physical health.

Here is a youtube video of how stress affects our body. less than 10 minutes but very informative!

Issues like cancer and auto-immune disorders when suppressing anger and other emotions (oh boy - there is a lot of repressing emotions when parenting kiddos with mental health issues!!!) I knew I was entering the fun time of life when my female body would be changing again and wanted to be as healthy as possible before that change happened. Also, I was trying to lose weight for years and despite my attempts at elimination diets to see if certain foods were affecting my pain and inflammation levels (that is one thing my blood work always showed - increased inflammation levels that I could not get down) and exercise with an aerobic workout (that would not increase my pain due to my herniated disk).

Here is a short video of how stress negatively affects the body. Many of the symptoms I was having are classic issues that someone has when they are chronically stressed.

Surprise! Our brain is also affected by stress and we have emotional and behavioral issues. Click there to see the short video about that.

Finally, the worst problem was my migraines. I have suffered from them for decades and was not able to ever figure out what made them better. I knew some things made them worse: eating out at restaurants caused them, dehydration, and sleep deprivation. (lol!!!!!!!  Let me laugh a bit about not being able to fix sleep deprivation with a kiddo who still does (did) not sleep through the night at age 9 lol!!!!). I also figured out just last summer that when my kiddos were having allergy flare ups I was getting migraines - apparently I exhibit "seasonal allergies" not with a runny nose or congestion - but with a migraine. Yay me!

I talked to a friend who is retired but did homeopath work. She suggested a holistic provider that has a doctorate as a Nurse Practitioner. I had other people tell me about their more holistic providers and decided to take the chance. I was reluctant for 2 reasons. First, I always put others first and did not think I could afford the money or time to take care of me when I had so many other people to take care of right now. I talked myself out of that illogical reasoning. Second, I know that there are as many opinions as there are providers. How did I know this person would know what she was talking about? How did I know she would be right? I knew this person would use blood work to back up her theories on what was going on and not just listen to some symptoms and suggest some supplements. So...I made the appt. It was nerve wracking. I second guessed myself a lot. What if I spent a bunch of money on weird supplements and nothing got better? What if she told me I had to go dance in a circle and pat my head and sing some weird camp song? Ok, that is a bit mean - but while I tend to seek out chiropractic and home remedies for issues I still was worried this option would be "too weird." Yet, I went. 

When I got to the office I was glad that my husband had dropped me off as it was "weird" and I may have walked out. I had to remind myself that I ask people to trust me with the "weird" therapy of EMDR even though it is not "traditional" therapy and yet is extremely effective and efficient. I had taken the past 6 years of my blood work results with me. I met with her and for an hour she went through my history but mostly my blood work. After looking at the patterns she said she thought I had x, y, and z that I had never heard of in my life and said she was going to do more specific blood work - then to come back in 3 weeks for the results (Christmas and New Years were in there so I couldn't go back sooner). She did send me home with quite a lot of supplements based on her theories at that time lol!

I went home determined to make some changes in exercise and diet that she recommended in addition to taking the supplements. It was so freeing to have someone hear me about how I was feeling and have some tentative answers about that (pending blood test results). It was also scary. I sat pretty stunned and overwhelmed the whole time and in hindsight had to remind myself that it may be how people feel when they sit in my office and I use psychological jargon to describe what is going on. I vowed to try to be better about that!!

The most immediate change I noticed was the absence of the migraines. If nothing else the experience was worth it for that!!!!! She also told me to be consistently exercising. I was already exercising 3-4 days a week, but determined to do it 7 days a week. I had gotten my first iwatch a few weeks before that and it told me how many steps I was taking a day so I used it as my motivator to stay on track. I have only had 5 days since December 5 when I have not met my exercise goals. Those were days I worked 14+ hours and just couldn't find the energy to do so.

I got a migraine on Christmas Day and on January 3. Both of those days we had visits with Grace. I know that the stress of seeing her contributed to the migraines:(

January 9 I went back and got the blood test results. She spent 90 minutes explaining my blood work to my husband and I. It was both very scary and relieving to have answers. I have a bunch of crazy stuff going on that we are working on correcting. I will explain some of them.

First - I tested very high for Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV). I did not know what it was but it is the virus that causes Mono. I have never been diagnosed with Mono but looking back about 17 years ago I realize that there was a period of time when I met criteria for Mono but (of course) did not go to the physician. I always thought that Mono was a "one and done" kind of illness but...I was wrong.

I also have Hashimoto's - which is a thyroid issue. Add in there some issues with how my liver and pancreas are functioning... and other issues... and I was pretty shell shocked.

So, she (wait for it) added more supplements lol! (There are tinctures for the EBV and detox, and supplements like magnesium, adrenal support, probiotics, and things like that). Not many more on the 2nd visit though considering the first time around she suspected the problems and sent me home with what she thought I needed. BUT...she also told me that I had to eliminate dairy and gluten to decrease my chronically high inflammation numbers (that directly affect my pain levels), increase my exercise (I now run for 5 miles (according to my iwatch) every morning on my little 3 foot trampoline as I can't run outside and the trampoline makes the impact easier on my knees and back), and...the worst...do intermittent fasting. Yet another concept I had never heard of. Essentially I am currently at the point where I shouldn't eat between 8 p.m. and 1 p.m. It isn't too bad at this point but it sure was hard to get to this point! What probably floored me the most was that I had a very bad UTI. With none of the typical symptoms. I have had UTI's since I was 6 weeks old and I KNOW how they feel and how horrible they are. Yet, I had none of the typical symptoms. When I took the antibiotic my back pain due to my herniated disk that is ALWAYS present went away within a day!! I am now super paranoid about germs and any little symptom that makes me think I may have another UTI. It has really messed with my head lol! The back pain is back (not as bad) and mostly it is how I sit at work that exacerbates it (switching to working at home has been very bad for it. I spent two weeks figuring out a chair/desk situation that didn't leave me in terrible pain all night but I think I figured it  out:) So super cleaning went into place in our house 2 months before this pandemic hit...

So... have her suggestions helped?

Yes!!!!  Or else I would not still be doing it lol!  I have lost 15 lbs in just over 3 months. I very rarely have migraines (aside from the 2 I mentioned above I did not have any until this past week - when we started having warm weather so we could walk outside and it is - yep - allergy season!! Thankfully allergy meds are taking care of them). I am SLEEPING!!!!! Oh glorious sleep!  So many years of not sleeping - it feels great!  Part of that is JJ is finally feeling safe enough in our home that he is sleeping through the night. In the past 4 months I think he has only woke us up a handful of times with nightmares. I am so happy!!  But even if he wasn't waking us up I was not sleeping well, and now I am:) The mental fog is also so much better. To be able to concentrate, focus, and be motivated to do things feels so incredibly good! I still have bad days - but they are only a few days a month now instead of almost every day. I feel more mellow, less stressed, less depressed, and just...better:) I am even socializing and getting together with friends!!!!  Well, I did a few times before the pandemic anyway. Usually I only got together with 1 person maybe twice a year- it just took too much effort.

I am feeling so much better that my doctor-phobic husband even set up an appointment to go. He also has EBV and other issues that are negatively impacting him (or negatively interact with his diabetes- diagnosed in 2012). We are trying to keep him has healthy as possible for as long as possible. He turned 48 this year and 3 of his 4 maternal uncles had heart attacks by age 50 (!!!!!!). So, he is motivated to live a little longer since I informed him I cannot raise these kids by myself lol! His improvement has not been as marked as mine - his pain levels and sleep are significantly improved but other issues are not (issues which seem to be secondary to the diabetes). He has only been doing these changes for a month though and I have been doing it almost 4 months.

So, like that frog in the pot of boiling water, I did not even know how bad things had gotten. I probably would have gone even longer without getting help but felt the strong nudges by numerous people around me talking about the negative effects of stress on the body and urgency of not wanting to have things get to the point of irreparable harm before I acted. I figure that even if all I can do is manage (and not cure) the issues I having going on- making the lifestyle changes that I have is still better for me in the long run:) I stepped outside of my comfort zone, got help, and it has been a good choice:)

I am not enough, but He is.

Here we go again. Tomorrow we take Faith to the residential program.

I am so sad. This is not what I thought parenting would be. This is not what I thought adoption would be. This is not what I thought our life would be. I refuse to wail and rail about "why." But I sure have a heavy heart about it. I am resigned. Resigned that I am not enough. Resigned that I have to hand my second child over to strangers in a desperate attempt to get her to see she needs to make better choices. Resigned to the fact that our family is disrupted again. Questioning if our family can come back from this. Wallowing in the fact that I. don't. want. to. deal. with. this. As I held her tonight and cried with her I wished that she would just stop doing what she has been doing! I thought about how many people in this world look at their loved ones while they are self-destructing and beg and plead and pray that they will stop. Some stop. Some don't. I have to trust that God is in charge of the outcome - good or bad.

As I have tried to figure out how to move forward in this grief and the heavy doubt of my own ability to have any positive effect on this child, God seems to simply soothe me with "you are not enough, but I am." There is freedom and comfort in that truth.

So that is where I try to focus my heart and mind. On the great I Am. When all I really want to do is bury my head in the sand and ignore how much this - I don't even have the right word to describe it...

I cannot believe we have to do this again:(

I stopped doing the updates when Grace got moved from the hospital to the residential program. She is doing adequately behaviorally. She has had struggles and the staff where she is at are very skilled in dealing with her issues. We have continued visits. Those visits make it very clear that she still has a long road ahead of her.

While the stress level is lower with her getting the help she needs we have had other stressors. I am finally taking the time for me to figure out why I am have certain symptoms. We found a wonderful woman with a doctorate as a Nurse Practitioner who works holistically. She has been wonderful and has, through a lot of blood work, given me some answers. Thankfully, she has also given me some solutions and while I have had to make a lot of changes I physically feel better than I have in a very long time. I am finally sleeping, losing weight, not having migraines, can concentrate and focus better than in a long time, etc. I feel like I was a frog in a pot of boiling water and had no idea how bad I was until I started feeling better. I am so thankful I took the very scary step of going to her office and hope that I continue to get better. I will post about that journey another time. But it has been a time consuming stressor during this season as well as I deal with some of the realities of the issues I have going on.

But, the biggest stressor right now is that Faith is also leaving for the same residential program as Grace. I have a million swirling thoughts related to this situation. I know that it is what needs to happen, I cannot even begin to describe the issues. But what makes it so heartbreaking for me is that Grace needed to go because she has mental health issues that contribute to her problems. With Faith it is "just" choice (as if experiencing repeated early trauma and its lifelong consequences is "just" anything). It both breaks my heart and makes me feel resigned to this inevitability. When we went through this with Grace I wanted to be sure to be intentional about my healing. Now that we are having to do this again all I want to do is put my head in the sand and avoid. I am not an avoider of conflict. I would like to think I am assertive with dealing with issues, if not down right aggressive. But I am just done. I am so glad that I am physically better or I am not sure how I would be handling this.

Quite frankly I didn't even want to post about it - as if I could just ignore that yet another one of our children is leaving for 18+ months. But, I have talked to so many mommas lately who are telling me how utterly alone they feel dealing with their unique struggles. Whether it is parenting special needs kids, adopted kids, or just raising kids. So, for those of you who are struggling I offer no answers at all. But I do offer you this...you are NOT alone. Even if you reach out to people and try to connect and get them to understand but they just don't get it, do not give up. God knows what you are going through, and other mommas do too. They are probably just as tired as you and don't have the energy to reach out. Don't give up. Keep seeking. Keep moving forward. Keep trusting. He has you.

Saying Goodbye to Grandma

My grandmother was a very positive influence on my life. She is the example that I try to follow as I think about how I want to be a grandmother to my grandchildren. She always made me feel safe, heard, unconditionally loved, included, and seen. I had a bit of a chaotic childhood - nothing too serious but being a child of divorce means a certain level of chaos and unpredictability that all children in that setting must navigate. My grandmother was a constant in my life during that time.

I remember how she would rock me. She was so comfortable and safe to lay on and she would rock so soothingly while singing or humming. She never complained when I would sneak my hand up under the dishtowels that covered her freshly baked homemade buns - even when I ate A LOT of them. I remember waking up in the hospital in the middle of the night when I was very little (either when I had Spinal Meningitis or one of the times I had a kidney infection) and she was sitting there on the right side of my crib/bed in a chair and acted happy and encouraging when I said I had to get up to use the bathroom. She did not act like I was a bother or that she was exhausted or frustrated I woke her while she trying to sleep in a hard chair. She just smiled and used a tone of voice that made me feel like she was present with me, not just physically there. Always encouraging. Always smiling. Always giving her complete attention. I know my dad also sat with me overnight during some of those nights but for some reason I don't remember him doing it lol! (although I do remember the man who would bring my breakfast and he always snuck me extra hard boiled eggs with extra salt and pepper - a food I never ate other than in the hospital until I had cravings for them while pregnant with Buddy lol!!) When I would have sleepovers at her house I would lay in an old green sleeping bag on the floor beside her and grandpa's bed and she would put her hand down for me to hold until I fell asleep.

I remember, as I got older, the fireworks at one of her sister's houses - the whole family together. I would get to lay on her lap and watch them. I was the oldest grandchild and, aside from my brother who is 2 1/2 years younger than me, since I was 7 or 8 before another grandchild came along, I did not have to share her during those years:) Grandma and her 3 sisters that lived close (and sometimes the 4th) and many of their kids would have such fun picnics in the park in the summertime. Her nieces and nephews would water ski and it was such a special treat for me when I got to ride in the boat.

Grandma sang in the church choir. She always sat in the front of the church in the choir loft. I remember as a little girl I snuck out of the pew dad, my brother, and I were sitting in - and crept up the isle to sit by my grandma - right during the sermon. I sat in a chair right next to her up in the choir loft until church was over. I loved listening to her sing. Music was, obviously, important to her and she paid for me to take piano lessons from a woman that she went to school with. A woman with amazing piano skills. Pearl taught me lessons for several years and Grandma had me play pieces for her for several family gatherings, anniversaries, etc. I enjoyed playing but was so nervous playing in front of other people. I remember that I played for my other grandparent's 45 anniversary. I was so incredibly nervous and as soon as I got done I ran out. My grandma just held me while I cried my nerves out. Oh the memories lol!

Grandma was a great cook. She made so many big meals for the family get togethers. But my favorite was her lefse. One of her sisters married a Norwegian man and they made lefse together for him. It was such an honor to me that as an adult Grandma taught me how to make lefse, and now I make it with my children. They all insist on having it for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Grandma's mom passed away when she was, I think, 18 or 19. She was the 4th of 5 sisters. The sisters were all very close since they did not have their mom as the "glue." It was a privilege that I got to get to know my great aunts - 4 of the sisters all lived in the same town. I hope that my children want to be as close as my grandmother was with her sisters.

As an adult I have heard about the parts of grandma's life that were hard. She had so many adversities she had to overcome. But I never heard about them from her. To me she faced life with an attitude of just "deal with the next thing and the past is in the past."  She was quite the peacekeeper, never liking conflict. While I know there is a downside to that perspective (one cannot always avoid conflict), to a kid who dealt with chaos and unpredictability I deeply appreciated the peace that grandma personified.

Grandma and Grandpa were generous with their time and were always willing to serve. They served on so many committees and were leaders in the church and their farming community. I think of the phrase "servant leader" when I think of them.

Grandma and Grandpa were married for 70 years. Grandpa passed away the month before their 71st anniversary and Grandma passed away the month of their 75th. I am glad they will be together to celebrate this year:) Grandma missed Grandpa so much during those years.

I know I only saw Grandma from a grandchild's perspective, which may be covered with very rose-colored classes. But my grandma was a rose to me. Which reminds me that one of the songs that she said she always liked to listen to me play on the piano was The Rose:)

I am so thankful that I got to spend a couple of days with her before she passed away. All 7 of us grandchildren got to say goodbye to her. I was there Thursday and Friday, and she passed away on Sunday while How Great Thou Art was playing and her daughters were reading scripture and praying with her. A peaceful end:)

The church she and Grandpa attended closed a couple of years ago. Therefore, I was not sure how her funeral would go with it being in a church that was not "her" church. Sometimes funerals end up being impersonal in those situations. However, it was a beautiful gospel centered service and the pastor and the musicians clearly knew Grandma and cared for her.  My aunt gave a very moving eulogy that captured the heart of grandma well. All of her family and many friends came to celebrate her life.

I am thankful for Grandma's example of loving like Jesus, and I pray that my grandchildren will feel as loved as Grandma made me feel.

My Battle: Raw and Bent

Friday we moved Grace to the group home. It was much harder than I anticipated. And it kicked off a weekend that has been very hard. The battle between my feelings of guilt as a mom and our resolve to do right by our family and Grace has been brutal. Woven in there has been a migraine that started Friday morning and has been my worst one by far. I have not liked this weekend...

We picked up Grace at 10:15, signed her discharge paperwork, then drove her about a mile to her new home. We had big team meeting, did all of the admission paperwork (well, in addition to the 30+ documents I completed for the admission on Monday and Tuesday), then left her there.

With yet another set of strangers. Last time we dropped her off it was a last desperate effort and we were at our wits end. We dropped her off thinking "30 - 90 days." This time we dropped her off thinking "18 months." Eighteen Months. One year and 6 months.

It sucked.

She didn't want us to leave her there. I clung to her and did not want to leave her there. I cried and could not stay positive for her. But I knew she is exactly where she needs to be to grow. Thankfully my husband was a rock and stood firm or I may have bundled her into the van and drove home...only to regret it by the time we got back home.

I never ever thought this would be our life when we started the adoption process. The parenting process in general. I never thought it would be this hard. I hate that we have to do this.

Then I remind myself that it could be so much worse. She could be forceably removed from our home on probation or something due to the severity of her choices and we could have no control or choices for her care. We could be in a time or country where all children are removed from their parents and educated according to "the powers that be's" rules. She could be refusing to comply with any of the efforts to help her - yet she is doing really well with compliance. I could be handing her off to a surgeon to try to fix some life threatening disease. I know it could be worse. But it still sucks. I am so tired of this battle.

My migraine was in full effect by then. The irony is not lost on me that my two migraines in the past 2 weeks have both been when we have had to deal with the stress of decisions related to Grace.

By evening my head hurt so bad I fully understood why people become addicted to pain medication and/or alcohol/drugs. I know someone who committed suicide last week because of chronic pain. At the time I thought "how could they do that?" Friday night I had much more compassion. Not that I agree with or considered suicide, but I could understand much better the need to just have the pain stop. When my back pain is the worse 95% of the time I am able to at least find a pain free position and not move in order to get relief. But a migraine is not like that.

My husband thankfully put JJ to sleep for me Friday night and I enjoyed a few hours of sleep. But then I woke with terrible pain again and just could not get on top of it. Usually I can sleep them away, but not this one. I just kept running our last 20 minutes with Grace over and over and over again and the guilt just ate me up. I finally did an EMDR pain protocol on myself and sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" over and over and over and eventually fell asleep. When I woke in the morning I was so scared to get out of bed for fear the pain would come back, but I did and kept myself pretty active hoping the day may be pain free. But it came back. A huge blessing was that when I called Grace to check in with her she had had a great night with her new house mates (they had gone to a basketball game and out to Taco Bell - she had never eaten there and was VERY excited about it). She was making friends, likes her roommate, and REALLY likes the significant freedom she has there compared to the hospital. That did my momma heart good:)

Saturday night sleep was ok. Today it is lingering right there. I was pretty emotional during church. But then the song during the offertory was the one I have been singing all weekend to keep myself focused. God reminded me that He is present. He is in this. He the victor of all battles. He has Grace in His hands and has a plan. I can trust Him that whatever needs to happen for Grace will happen so that long term she has the skills to be the person that He needs her to be. A person that can be a healthy member of our family and the world.

So, I went to church this morning feeling broken. But I was reminded that I may be in a battle in my mind. I may be in a spiritual battle for my child's heart. I may be feeling raw. And I may be bent. But I am NOT broken. I will bend to God's will, I will seek to learn and grow, and I will persevere.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial...

Week 13: Stay-cation/Self-Care

Tomorrow we drive to see Grace again to discharge her from the facility and transfer her to the long-term group home. She will be there, if she is not removed from the program due to her behavior, an expected 12 months but potentially up to 18 months. The peace and relief at knowing  what is happening next is extensive. While we have tried to be intentional about healing and moving forward over the past 13 weeks from "Hurricane Grace" we have kept an eye on the horizon for when it may return. Now that we have a more permanent timeline it allows us to plan more effectively.

I am quite the planner. In fact, Beautiful has introduced me to the idea of the Enneagram. At first I thought it was...not worth looking into. But she kept sending me little quotes here and there and got me interested. Then I took the test. Well, actually, I didn't even need to take the test as I knew from those quotes what "type" I was - and after I took the test found that I am lol! Being a type 1-5 is helping me understand more about why I interact with my kids (and spouse) the way that I do. It has helped me to appreciate our communication and perspective differences more - and helped me to be more patient with everyone in my family who is NOT like I am - except Buddy. He is a 5. That is probably why I have felt like he and I are the most alike lol!

Anyway, I have had off work from 12/25 to 1/5 and I am learning that my "5" is really coming out to play. And needed to. I have done practically nothing except retreat (I have literally left my house only to attend church-that is twice in the past 9 days). I am an introvert so this time with just the family has been incredibly refreshing. I used to dread the days home with the kids because there was so much chaos and....unpeacefulness. And while I will admit there were some spots this week where I had to be a "1" and get kids back in line, for the most part it has just been so peaceful. I. am. relaxed. I haven't felt this relaxed in years and years. As much as it is sad to me, the reality is it is because the hurricane is not rolling through the house. I am coming to terms with accepting that, and refusing to feel guilty about it.

This week I have read tons of books. All fiction. All happy outcomes. No angst or yuck (I get enough of real angst at work, I need a total retreat from reality). I have put together lots of puzzles. I even played the piano! I usually only play over the Christmas season and have enjoyed the relaxation it provides. I hope to do it more. It was just too chaotic and noisy to play much before... But also...I got my ENTIRE "to do" list done! Even making a website for work (yes, this technologically incapable person made an extremely simple website lol!) and all the year end paperwork. Then I retreated from all work and just let myself exist with the family. I even had two days where I wore my pjs all day:) Of course, I worked out for an hour upon waking, then showered and put on clean pjs. But, they were still pj days lol! We started a new Bible reading plan and devotional as a family. We are all competing with our fitbits on how many steps a day we can get in. I made a rule (hey, I am, after all, a "1" lol!) that if they don't get a certain number of steps a day they get no electronics the next day. I even tried out the new Dribble Up I got the kids to hone their basketball skills - let's just say that I wasn't good at sports as a kid...and I am not athletic now! With that said, I have worked myself up to running 4+ miles every morning (indoors) and I am determined to keep up with that even with my crazy busy work schedule. I am a sucker for competition - and every day my iwatch tells me that I have earned an award for "1 more day in a row of hitting my exercise goal" makes me never want to not reach that goal lol!

We have played board and card games. The kids have watched TV (am not a TV person. I am preparing to cancel our satellite TV in March after the Olympics. Superman is very anxious that we will miss out on NFL football. The problem is that we only get every 3-4 Vikings games a season anyway so why are we paying for it? If anyone has suggestions on how to subscribe to a channel to get the Vikings games without having to go through DirecTV I would appreciate it. We have Dish and clearly can't get the games on there...

While I have rested a lot, my husband has been amazing and done a lot. He spent almost 24 hours replacing our water softener (buying it, having to go buy more parts, installation, etc) which has not been working correctly for months. He also finally replaced the ceiling fans in the bathrooms that have not worked for, well, one of them for years. He appreciates that I am home and can take care of the kids while he can work and not have to stop to feed them or stop a fight:)  I appreciate that he does not complain about me resting (he has seen my crossed out "to do" list;) He even finished getting the garage cleaned out so we can park our new van in there lol!

Anyway. I am already getting anxious about going back to work. I felt so much guilt for taking a week off of work, now I don't want to go back lol! January will be a crazy busy month with the boys in basketball and me working a lot. Thankfully we should not have to be driving as much to see Grace during this transition month - I think just tomorrow and next Thursday. That will help:)

God has been so tangible this Christmas. Rather than us being run ragged with scheduling or chaos in the family, it has been a time of sweet rest. Thank you Jesus!!