A Week to Remember!

10 days and counting with no rages!!

TEN DAYS!!!

That has never happened.

The day Grace started the new medication was 10 days ago and she has been doing so well. I catch myself having the oddest thoughts. Like Monday night when I got home from work and knew she was just heading to bed. Bedtime has been a terror for everyone in the house. But when I pulled the car into the garage and was readying myself to go into the house I noticed something that I had not noticed for a very, very long time...I did not dread coming home. My body was relaxed, I was optimistic and not just gritting my teeth to get through it. It felt like I think everyone should feel when they come home - excited to see their family.

Last night when she had WAY over sugared herself eating all kinds of junk at school it would normally have been a time that the whole family went on lockdown just waiting for the explosion. Watching her jump over couches, her talking and behavior just too fast, etc. used to make us all figure out how to get her contained before the rage hit. But, when we told her it was not a good idea for her to go to Awana while she was so hyper (we had considered letting her have a try at it again) she asked why but did not rage at being told no. She went to bed on time and there was no drama at all!

In fact, she hasn't raged at being told no in 10 days. Normally, any kind of limits set by us are met with extreme behavior. No matter how ridiculous her request was or how carefully we try to set the limit.

All of us are trying to figure out the "new normal." We are all just watching and waiting. The thing is, that the tension in this house as we all walked on eggshells all of the time anticipating what the next trigger would be that would lead to chaos has been lessened. Significantly. Now we watch and wait...but it is almost to just reassure ourselves that she ISN'T going to rage. I would say that the tension level in the house has gone from a 10 to a 3.

Peace. In this house. Who knew?!?!?

If you suspect that a family member of yours possibly has bipolar-like behavior - get it checked out! Medication really makes a huge difference!!!

I have wondered since she was 2 if she has bipolar disorder. However, the ADHD stimulant medication helped during the day and the behavior was constant, not cyclical. So I dismissed the possibility. In researching DMDD since then, I have learned that one of the treatments is stimulants. That explains why she would be better during the day, but of course, because it is a stimulant, it can't be given 24/7 so we still had to deal with times the medications were not in her blood stream.

Saturday was probably the biggest test for me seeing if her behavior the previous 3 days was just a fluke (sometimes she would hold it together for several days if she didn't have any limits or boundaries placed on her). My husband had to take Superman to an all day basketball tournament. I had told the kids the night before to stay in bed as I had hoped to actually get some sleep. Between JJ's nightmares and my worries about the girls' behavior I hadn't been sleeping well. Also, it usually takes me some time alone on Saturday mornings to just get myself in the head space to even deal with the angry, chaotic, venomous, vile behavior that starts within minutes of my first interaction with her during the day. 

My husband came back into the bedroom at 7:30 to say goodbye. He looked like he was scared to say to me, "I am so sorry but all of the kids are awake, even JJ." I just sighed and said, "ok, I think it will be ok." I showered quick and got my head ready to deal with the girls. Whenever we shower we have to have the girls separated in their rooms with alarms on their doors or who knows what kind of trouble they will get into. I got them upstairs for breakfast.

No drama. I was shocked. I watched them eat their entire breakfast and Grace didn't yell at anyone for anything.

Then, Grace walked behind where Faith was sitting at the table. She bumped Faith in the head with her arm. Normally that would have been an explosion. Grace would have been screaming at Faith for purposely leaning back and running into Grace and it would have been a mess ending in Grace going to her room for a long time to calm down. I can't even remember the last Saturday when Grace made it the first hour of the day without being sent back to her room to calm down - leaving the rest of us angry and frustrated and out of sorts.

But...Grace just turned toward Faith and said "oh! Sorry!" and went to her chair.

I stood there. Jaw dropped. And cried.

Grace does not accept responsibility for hurting others (even accidentally) and she does not initiate an apology. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault.  I thought, "9 a.m. and no drama yet! Wow!"

I decided to play Christmas music since I had planned to be baking with the girls a good chunk of the day. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but in this house we haven't played music for years and years. Music means more noise. More chaos. More voices for Grace to just yell over the top of. More stimulation. So we don't play music. I thought I would see how it went and it was great!

After breakfast I thought I would test it a little further and allow the girls to go downstairs without supervision to do their chores while I was making Lefse. Faith was cleaning the bathroom and Grace and 2 loads of laundry to sort and fold (she is an excellent clothes folder - not so great with sorting, but she folds clothes great!). I heard a yell over the music and thought "here we go:( " I flipped the lefse and ran downstairs. I heard Faith laughing and Grace saying "its your turn." No screaming. No tattling. No blaming. No venom. I came around the corner and Faith said, "did you hear Grace?" I said that I did, expecting to now hear some tattling. But then they both laughed and said they were having a "singing competition" while they were doing their chores (both of them were actually making progress on their chores! Shocking in and of itself lol!) and that yell was Grace's song.

Huh.

So I went back to my lefse and they finished up their chores (and did well!) then sat down to occupy themselves. Grace did her latchhook for awhile then asked to paint. Normally there is no way, NO WAY I ever let Grace have paint. But I thought I would see how it went and - it went well!

After awhile Beautiful and her husband dropped off Bella for me to babysit  so they could finish Christmas shopping (2nd time I have gotten to babysit in 5 weeks!!). JJ had been playing his video game time during that time and he was told his time was up - also no drama. Bella slept another 2 hours while I finished Lefse. Then she woke and I let the kids take turns holding her while I worked with the other kids making Puppy Chow and Granola. It all went well.

I think I was tearing up every 15 minutes as I just stood there and contemplated how utterly different the day was going than every other Saturday in 11 years. I was considering what life could have been like if we had diagnosed her earlier. I was worried that it wouldn't last. I was wondering what her future will be like with the statistics that I know about this disorder. Then I forced myself to just exist in the present and enjoy the gift of today being trauma free.

We watched a movie together all cuddled up on the couch. (Silver Bells is a sweet Christmas movie about the Salvation Army). Grace did get a little frustrated that Bella fussed every time Grace held her, but handled it ok. Beautiful and her husband got back and we decided to order pizza, have a fire, and watch another Christmas movie.

I reminded the kids that today, with no drama every 90 seconds, I was able to actually get a ton done so there was time for fun. We rarely have down time together because I am constantly sending someone to their room for fighting, or telling them 100 times to get their chores done, or whatever chaos is happening at the moment.

But it was just...calm...

Sunday Superman and Faith had their school program and we actually let Grace come with us. Normally she would be left home with very specific instructions to Buddy on what she could and couldn't do and his eyes had to be on her constantly unless she was in her room, etc. But, we thought we would see if she could handle a high stimulation situation without getting over-stimulated...and it went well too! Monday she was given news she didn't want to hear and cried for 30 minutes, but she did not fly into a rage like she would have before. I just cannot believe the difference!!!!!

I wanted to be sure to blog about this. I don't want to forget this week. I don't want to forget this weekend and forget what a difference is happening right now. I don't want to forget the blessing that we are experiencing right now. Everyone is calmer. Everyone is happier. We haven't had any other emotional chaos on the home. We have had another major decision we have had to make that is changing our lives, but that is for another blog post...

We still have a long road ahead of us, but I am so thankful for a diagnoses and a treatment plan.

I am so thankful for hope:) God has been present with us throughout this journey and I am trusting His timing and sovereignty in this situation.