Quite honestly, I am not sure how to think about Christmas. I will start with the great parts. Grace got to come home so we were all together after 3 months. That was very special. It was JR's first Christmas!! It was so funny to see his very mellow and laid back self just take in all of the chaos and not really bat an eye. Although, their family had 4 Christmas' in 6 days and 3 of those days were staying at the other grandparents house so he was clingy, clingy, clingy to his mama. But compared to any other "normal" kid? Still incredibly laid back:) Bella? Wow, she is a spitfire just like her mama was! Always moving and wondering and finding joy. There are few things in this world that really truly warm my heart, but seeing how our daughter parents her babies? How they respond shows they are so loved, doted on, and heard. They know they are safe. I don't get to see kids like that very often. Such a blessing!!
On to the harder side of the day...
The week before Grace came home we were preparing plans and hearts with realistic expectations. She came home and...it was hard. On Christmas Eve we enjoyed a trip to a neighboring town in our new to us that day van to look at Christmas lights. Having everyone together was good...but we all seemed to fall back into old patterns of interaction. Perhaps out of anxiety? Unknowns?
Christmas day we woke early and got to Julotta at 7 a.m. We then enjoyed talking with friends before coming home and having a special breakfast then opening gifts. Our Christmas dinner was delicious as usual. But there was a lot of tension. Grace really had a hard time with being at church and worrying how people were thinking about her. She kept saying she wished that no one knew why she was gone or where she was.
I had a migraine starting on Christmas Eve and by Christmas morning after gifts I was not in a good place so laid down. Thankfully I fell asleep quickly and when I woke 20 minutes later it was much better (and hasn't returned since then - I am so grateful!!).
In the afternoon she had an emotional meltdown that used to turn really ugly but she handled incredibly well. I am so proud of her for the skills she is learning and the tools she is choosing to use. I spent time with her and she used her words better than she ever has to describe her fears and anxieties and what set her off. Some of it was her wanting to come home now and not go to the group home, which we completely understand. And part of it was how she responds to me specifically.
That is what I have been mulling over for the past two days. I am not sure what my final thoughts are on that...
Anyway, my husband drove her back Christmas night. She had a good day Thursday, but a pretty bad day Friday. That was a good reminder to us that she really does need to go to the group home and is not ready to be home.
But how she did at home also was a blatant reminder that we still have a lot of healing to do here at home. We all have talked about what we think/feel about the visit and I think Buddy summed it up the best. Faith was extremely tense with Grace home. Her responses got JJ upset and worked up. All of their tension got me more tense than I already was. It was just a pretty...tense...visit.
But...she really was soooo much better than she was before.
So? What does that mean needs to happen next? With the family? I don't know. With the next 1+ weeks?
I don't know that either lol! I am on a much needed vacation (stay-cation) until January 6. That is 12 days without having to go to work (and my 2nd week of the year I have taken off). So, yesterday was my first day home (not counting Christmas day) and I made a long to-do list. Buddy informed me that I don't seem to know what vacation is because I kept working (gotta love being self employed lol!). I informed him that adulting means that there is always work to be done!!! I had 10 items that needed to be done Thursday and got 9 done (I put off writing the blog because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say). Then I told myself that I would just keep writing the to do list as things come to mind but would intentionally not work for a couple of days. So, even after I completed the 9 tasks Thursday including paperwork, getting insurance for our new van, and baking - I put together a 750 piece puzzle with some help from Faith and JJ. Friday I decided to do no work and started a 1000 piece puzzle. It is not even 25% done - this one might take me a few days lol!
Bottom line? I do not think I am made to do nothing:) I am still waking up between 6 and 7 to do my hour long work out. But then after I make a big breakfast I sit in the hot tub. Today we get to watch the grand kids for a few hours! I am excited about that:)
My pain levels topped out Sunday and have dropped significantly. I am now back to about where I was before - aware of it all of the time, forcing me to modify my actions/posture/etc but not stopping me from doing what I need to do. I can live with that:)
On a lighter note - the "big" gifts that we got the kids this year were fitbits. We are trying to promote healthier activity with them so are challenging them each to compete with each other for steps in a day. I got myself an iwatch a month ago that also tracks my steps, and even with my pretty sedentary job I always hit 10,000 steps a day so we thought we would get them fitbits and encourage them to have a little more understanding of how much they sit around. And I banned electronics from noon - 6 while home on vacation. Lets just say that legos and basketball are getting done more frequently now:)
Oh, and we got a Dribble Up basketball for the boys. It is really neat and I am glad it is as interesting as I hoped it would be. There is a daily basketball skill to learn ball handling and control better and charts their progress. It is pretty impressive and I hope it helps them develop the skills they need to play basketball they way they want to on the court.
Christmas day we all had a discussion during our meal of ways we saw Jesus in our lives this year. Most of our discussion was about how God moved all kinds of circumstances so that we could get help for Grace that she needs and how much we see Him working in her life. Even when situations are tense and not exactly how we would want them to be, it is still so evident that His fingerprints are all over our life. So thankful for His Sovereignty, His Power, His Grace, His Forgiveness, and His Sacrifice!
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