Week 12: Christmas with Grace

Quite honestly, I am not sure how to think about Christmas. I will start with the great parts. Grace got to come home so we were all together after 3 months. That was very special. It was JR's first Christmas!! It was so funny to see his very mellow and laid back self just take in all of the chaos and not really bat an eye. Although, their family had 4 Christmas' in 6 days and 3 of those days were staying at the other grandparents house so he was clingy, clingy, clingy to his mama. But compared to any other "normal" kid? Still incredibly laid back:) Bella? Wow, she is a spitfire just like her mama was! Always moving and wondering and finding joy. There are few things in this world that really truly warm my heart, but seeing how our daughter parents her babies? How they respond shows they are so loved, doted on, and heard. They know they are safe. I don't get to see kids like that very often. Such a blessing!!

On to the harder side of the day...
The week before Grace came home we were preparing plans and hearts with realistic expectations. She came home and...it was hard. On Christmas Eve we enjoyed a trip to a neighboring town in our new to us that day van to look at Christmas lights. Having everyone together was good...but we all seemed to fall back into old patterns of interaction. Perhaps out of anxiety? Unknowns?

Christmas day we woke early and got to Julotta at 7 a.m. We then enjoyed talking with friends before coming home and having a special breakfast then opening gifts. Our Christmas dinner was delicious as usual. But there was a lot of tension. Grace really had a hard time with being at church and worrying how people were thinking about her. She kept saying she wished that no one knew why she was gone or where she was.

I had a migraine starting on Christmas Eve and by Christmas morning after gifts I was not in a good place so laid down. Thankfully I fell asleep quickly and when I woke 20 minutes later it was much better (and hasn't returned since then - I am so grateful!!).

In the afternoon she had an emotional meltdown that used to turn really ugly but she handled incredibly well. I am so proud of her for the skills she is learning and the tools she is choosing to use. I spent time with her and she used her words better than she ever has to describe her fears and anxieties and what set her off. Some of it was her wanting to come home now and not go to the group home, which we completely understand. And part of it was how she responds to me specifically.

That is what I have been mulling over for the past two days. I am not sure what my final thoughts are on that...

Anyway, my husband drove her back Christmas night. She had a good day Thursday, but a pretty bad day Friday. That was a good reminder to us that she really does need to go to the group home and is not ready to be home.

But how she did at home also was a blatant reminder that we still have a lot of healing to do here at home. We all have talked about what we think/feel about the visit and I think Buddy summed it up the best. Faith was extremely tense with Grace home. Her responses got JJ upset and worked up. All of their tension got me more tense than I already was. It was just a pretty...tense...visit.

But...she really was soooo much better than she was before.

So? What does that mean needs to happen next? With the family? I don't know. With the next 1+ weeks?

I don't know that either lol! I am on a much needed vacation (stay-cation) until January 6. That is 12 days without having to go to work (and my 2nd week of the year I have taken off). So, yesterday was my first day home (not counting Christmas day) and I made a long to-do list. Buddy informed me that I don't seem to know what vacation is because I kept working (gotta love being self employed lol!). I informed him that adulting means that there is always work to be done!!! I had 10 items that needed to be done Thursday and got 9 done (I put off writing the blog because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say). Then I told myself that I would just keep writing the to do list as things come to mind but would intentionally not work for a couple of days. So, even after I completed the 9 tasks Thursday including paperwork, getting insurance for our new van, and baking - I put together a 750 piece puzzle with some help from Faith and JJ. Friday I decided to do no work and started a 1000 piece puzzle. It is not even 25% done - this one might take me a few days lol!

Bottom line? I do not think I am made to do nothing:) I am still waking up between 6 and 7 to do my hour long work out. But then after I make a big breakfast I sit in the hot tub. Today we get to watch the grand kids for a few hours! I am excited about that:)

My pain levels topped out Sunday and have dropped significantly. I am now back to about where I was before - aware of it all of the time, forcing me to modify my actions/posture/etc but not stopping me from doing what I need to do. I can live with that:)

On a lighter note - the "big" gifts that we got the kids this year were fitbits. We are trying to promote healthier activity with them so are challenging them each to compete with each other for steps in a day. I got myself an iwatch a month ago that also tracks my steps, and even with my pretty sedentary job I always hit 10,000 steps a day so we thought we would get them fitbits and encourage them to have a little more understanding of how much they sit around. And I banned electronics from noon - 6 while home on vacation. Lets just say that legos and basketball are getting done more frequently now:)

Oh, and we got a Dribble Up basketball for the boys. It is really neat and I am glad it is as interesting as I hoped it would be. There is a daily basketball skill to learn ball handling and control better and charts their progress. It is pretty impressive and I hope it helps them develop the skills they need to play basketball they way they want to on the court.

Christmas day we all had a discussion during our meal of ways we saw Jesus in our lives this year. Most of our discussion was about how God moved all kinds of circumstances so that we could get help for Grace that she needs and how much we see Him working in her life. Even when situations are tense and not exactly how we would want them to be, it is still so evident that His fingerprints are all over our life.  So thankful for His Sovereignty, His Power, His Grace, His Forgiveness, and His Sacrifice!

Week 11: She was approved!

Grace was approved for the residential group home program:) She will transition from the psychiatric facility in a couple of weeks and then be in the 9-12+ month program. We got to have another few hour visit and she did well. Unfortunately she had a really bad day this weekend with a lot of consequences. She is supposed to come home Christmas Eve and Christmas day (a little over 24 hours) and we hope her choices this weekend don't prevent the visit. We are all nervous about the visit and have spent a lot of time in our family therapy sessions talking through expectations, so we are praying that she does well.

My husband and I have been looking at getting another van for over a year. We have identified a van that we want, and someone to work with (the same company we bought our current van from). It is such a difficult decision to make - we need a new van but it is so expensive. Just one more time and money consuming issue to address lol!

I have been working a lot of hours. The past few months have resulted in a lot more hours per week worked. It means my husband is having to handle more and I am not home much at all. I was thinking about it this week wondering why it was happening and then God reminded me "you have been praying for provision every night." Ah ha! So now I am praying "thank you for your provision" instead of asking for more lol! No, in all seriousness it is all good. I am sad so many people are hurting but I am so thankful that I can possibly be a part of helping them heal.  It has been adjustment at home though.

I have been having some health issues for awhile. We have gone back and forth on how to deal with it the best, most realistic, way. There are so many opinions it is hard to know who to trust. That usually results in me just doing nothing. But, I finally went to see a nurse practitioner who specializes in natural treatments. It was very eye opening. As I sat in there listening to her like she was speaking a foreign language I was wondering how many people come in to my office and while I think I am speaking completely logically they are not tracking with me either!!! Thankfully she wrote down an ENTIRE SHEET of changes I am to make.

One problem I am really struggling with is sleep. About a month ago I started taking a CBD oil at bedtime that I had tried in the past but didn't find helpful. This time I found that I started getting somewhat better sleep. But then I ran out. I had also started a new exercise program at that time and had discovered that my back pain was significantly reduced. I thought it was due to the exercise program. However, after I ran out of the CBD oil the pain came back right away. I bought more and enjoyed over 2 weeks of practically no back pain, and improved sleep! But then I started to get migraines and my head felt really foggy. I happened to get in with the nurse practitioner last Thursday and she gave me a list of things that she thinks is wrong with me. She did a great job of explaining everything (I took my blood work from the past 6 years and she showed me the patterns) even though it was like she was speaking Greek it made enough sense to me that I thought I would give her suggestions a try. And I did more blood work specifically targeting what she thinks may be going on. However, she thinks that because of those problems the CBD oil is not a good fit for me and asked me to try a different option and stop the CBD oil for 2 weeks to just try it out.

Well, today I have really wondered what is worse - back pain or a migraine/foggy brain.  Ugg. I am determined to get through the 2 weeks but it is really going to decrease my productivity and plans over Christmas break. I guess it will ensure I actually rest lol!

I am planning 12 days off due to how Christmas falls in the week. I am really REALLY looking forward to it. I went on a slow walk with the kids this afternoon and we talked about what we want the break to look like, what we want to get done, etc. We are hoping for a lot of down time (aside from paperwork, getting Buddy applied for colleges to finish his BA, etc) but I am most excited to be planning our Alaskan cruise for this summer. We have always hoped to get to do this cruise to celebrate our 25th anniversary and I think, now that we know that Grace will still be gone, that we can leave for a week and it will be ok. We are so thankful for Beautiful who will hold down the fort. We plan to go while 2 kids are at a church event for a week and another kid will be at camp. Now that the kids are taken care of we can plan the fun parts:)

Week 9 & 10: Firsts

A couple of weeks of sweet firsts:)

First time we got to take Grace out of the facility! We went out for lunch and her Christmas shopping for her siblings. It went well:)

First time Faith told me about a school event and asked me to participate in it with her!!!!!!!

First time Superman started in a basketball game - and he did amazing!!!!!! He had a play that was just amazing! Did I mention that he is, and played, amazing? :)

First basketball game for JJ. He played 3 games on Saturday in a tournament. They played against older kids so lost by a lot all 3 times, but he got out there in front of a crowd and seemed to know more or less what he was doing (for a first year basketball player. He sure knows more about it than I do lol!!).

First time that my emotions have been present for so many years. I cry pretty easily now - not in sadness or depression but just in feeling. It is so utterly unusual for me. I cried like crazy during a commercial during a football game last weekend. My family all looked at me like I was losing it as I was trying to describe what was going on. Uff da.

First time that Faith came to me at night saying she was afraid. It was clear that she was very afraid. I did 5 minutes of EMDR with her, she calmed down, hugged me (HUGGED ME!!!!), and she went to sleep. In the morning she said she slept well, and she thanked me again for helping her the previous night. I told her that I was so glad that she asked for help!

The first time that I had my Christmas cards out the first week of December!

First time that Faith had an angry time and bounced back from it without the grudge toward us lasting days or weeks. The same day she was back to normal. :)

The first time I got almost all of our Christmas shopping done by online Black Friday shopping lol! Boxes kept coming and coming all week and my husband keeps giving me grief. After all he is the "get up at 4 and Black Friday shop in person" guy lol! But, shopping is done. Yay!  AND the gifts are mostly fun gifts - not practical things like clothes like I usually do - Yay Yay!

First time I attended our church Christmas Tea. I hosted a table (Beautiful decorated it gorgeous!!), didn't spill hot tea on anyone, and had a good time! Faith came with me and swapped her tea with me because she didn't like what she chose;) I think that maybe we will experiment with some teas:)

It has been a good couple of weeks. We are thankful for the progress we are seeing in Grace and all of the kids. We are praying that Grace is accepted into the long term group home and that can sustain there. She needs time to make the skills she is learning into habit.

Thanks for your prayers for our family. God is good. Always. But right now there is a sweetness in the feeling of healing instead of the helplessness and hopelessness of waiting for it:)