A Decision Has Been Made

As expected this week has been very hard, but I am much more calm and focused as we have come to a decision. I have thought through our situation over and over again trying to figure out what I am most upset about. I want to make sure that it is not just my emotions of fear that are clouding a situation where my child was in danger. As I considered it this graph is what came to mind. When I worked in various prisons we had to do annual trainings about use of force. We were taught to match our level of "force" to the inmate's level of "resistance." What my child did was in the "compliant" category. The person met him in the "Defensive Tactics" category and I believe intended to move into the "Deadly Force" category. I am still trying to wrap my brain around how a person thinks that is ok.

But then when a person shows up who is supposed to be a safe space and should keep my child safe says the other person was justified in their actions? Seriously? Blaming the victim? I do not have enough cuss words in my vocabulary to express how appalling that is. I do not have enough non-cuss words to articulate my horror and... disgust.

So, a decision has been made to try to have my child's voice, which was silenced with aggression and violence in this situation, to be heard. I am anxious about the path forward but know that it is 100% the right thing to do and will hopefully prevent someone else from having this happen to them. This is not 1960. Or 1860. The next step is to find the appropriate attorney who will help us. Please join us in praying to find the right attorney, for our son after having experienced that, and for us as parents as we seek to advocate for safety.

When a Trauma Therapist Experiences Trauma...

 ...it ain't pretty.

When I counsel people about trauma responses I have a pretty rote list of symptoms I share with them. I explain about Poly Vagal Theory and how when our body perceives a "threat" of some kind our sympathetic nervous system is activated and we go into a fight or flight state to engage with the threat. The goal being to resolve the threat and go back into our "ventral vagal" state or our calm relaxed state. However, if we are confused by how to resolve the threat (do we fight? do we run? etc), or if we have fought or run away so much and cannot resolve the threat, we move into freeze. 

I explain that our Vagus Nerve runs through our eardrums, down through our neck, heart, lungs, and digestive system and therefore the symptoms that we experience are often cardiac, breathing, digestive, and some others. And we are dumping lots and lots of cortisol and adrenaline. Examples of symptoms in our head are dry mouth, muffled sound, tunnel vision, dizziness, fainting, loss of memory/concentration/focus. 

Symptoms in our body are mostly cardiac, breathing, and digestion related. Examples are rapidly beating heart (feeling like it is pounding out of our chest), breathing fast/unable to catch our breath, tightness in our chest, feeling nauseated or a rock/pit/butterflies in our stomach. Our stomach stops digesting food for 3-5 hours affecting how our stomach/digestive system acts. We may vomit, have immediate diarrhea, or be constipated. Our blood flow diverts from the organs to our muscles so we can run away or stop and fight. Therefore, the muscles under our skin have red oxygenated blood so our skin looks like it is flushing or blushing. Hot blood under our skin makes us hot, so we sweat to cool the body. 

In an ideal situation our body perceives a threat, revs up and reacts, threat is resolved, and we crash a bit but move on. All of that is very logical. We can learn skills to calm our nervous system to stop those symptoms.

The question is if the threat has actually passed, or if we keep reliving the threat, or if we continue to live in the threat (or believe the threat continues). If our body believes the threat continues then it will remain in flight or flight - which we experience as Anxiety. 

In the past week one of my children experienced a situation that almost resulted in severe physical harm/possible death. That is a terrifying enough situation, but then the people who I believed were supposed to help did not help and now I am stuck in "threat is real, threat is imminent, threat is EVERYWHERE, and the threat is ultimately a loss of something that I do not know if I could recover from. That is all I am going to say about it because it is not resolved.

Until this situation my worst "threat" was our house fire. While that was an extremely traumatic experience for me at no time did I believe there was threat to our actual bodies. I think that is why I am so stuck in this threat.

I know I am stuck in fight/flight. My thoughts spin constantly with intrusive thoughts - most centered around "we are not safe." I cannot sleep due to the thoughts and the physical symptoms. I feel constantly shaky. I am always nauseated. I have lost 5 lbs in less than a week and when I eat I feel more nauseated. My digestive system as a whole is set to "no food, do not give me food or I will get rid of it right away." My heart is constantly beating hard and I can see my clothing moving up and down on my chest. My mouth is dry - I can't seem to get enough water. My pounding heart makes it hard to breath sometimes. My muscles feel tingly. My head pounds with my heart beat and today was the first day I did not have a migraine since it happened (which may also have to do with the shear amount of sobbing I have done). There are brief moments when I am able to be in the present and "threat" is not forefront in my mind. Then I remember again like a kick to the gut and I am nauseated and my heart races all over again. The images...I have seen the videos and the images of what could have happened haunt me.

There are physical things in my environment that I come across that used to be innocuous and now send me back into panic such as catching site of a certain type of vehicle, my wrist vibrating signaling a text has come in through my watch, checking email, seeing an email from certain email addresses. Driving through a town. Thinking of one of my family members in that town. And many others.

I am trying to do the right things. I am doing neurofeedback twice a day (the only real intervention that has given me any relief so far). I am using my CES machine. I cannot even focus long enough to read and distract myself (for someone who reads over 350 books a year for me to not read is a sign of a major problem). I am walking a couple of miles every day in part to calm me down and in part because it is the only time that my racing heart feels like it is matching my body state. I have talked this through with people. I have warned the people around me that I am highly distracted right now and not myself. I am trying to get the sleep I need. I hate this.

The problem is that decisions need to be made. Decisions that could have the effect of increasing potential threat. Every time I think of how to move forward I feel completely paralyzed and my symptoms skyrocket. I do not want to make a decision that will make it worse. But what decision will make it better? My resting heart rate is usually in the mid 50's. As I type this I am in the upper 90's. Sitting here. For an hour. Doing Neurofeedback and typing and remembering this awful thing.

I keep trying to take my thoughts back to how I am so thankful that God placed a person in the right path at literally the right exact moment that the initial situation was not worse. I am clinging to a belief that if God allowed that to happen then He has the path forward with a positive outcome. I am pleading and praying that He makes that way clear. I know He knows the outcome. But I also know that outcomes are not necessarily positive this side of Heaven. Trauma, loss, disease, injury, illness, and death are commonplace. Life.is.not.fair. So...I sit and spin and try to focus on big picture such as this situation is helping me having more empathy for others. I remind myself that things are ok for the moment - but I feel like the threat is RIGHT THERE. And I still cannot see the path forward...

Ultimately, I think the problem is that I have lost trust. I trusted. The trust was broken. I believed in an illusion of safety, and now know there is no safety. This brings me back to my knees. It reminds me that there is only one place our hope, trust, and safety can lie. Thank you Jesus that I get to have my family with me today.

My Journey to Neurofeedback

I want to share about neurofeedback. It is a tool that many people do not know about but can be a valuable asset. I am going to share some background information on why I pursued neurofeedback.  My hope is that the more people learn about it the more people can understand why they may be having some of the problems they are having and find long-term solutions.

As a Licensed Psychologist conceptually I think broadly about the issues that people have, and subsequently then the interventions that we can make, as being 1) behavioral (things we do), 2) cognitive (things we think/decisions we make), 3) biological/genetic/physiological, and 4) spiritual. These categories are not mutually exclusive and often making a change in one will affect another. (for example, eating is a behavior but it affects our biology and it affects our thinking - ask anyone with an eating disorder and they will tell you that restricting food intake will affect their ability to focus and concentrate. That is actually a motivator for some people who do not want to deal with the many racing thoughts of their trauma that bombard them).

When I started in my practice I primarily utilized behavioral and cognitive therapies. Essentially, if you do this - this will happen. If you think that - that will happen. While that works in various situations, it does not help all situations. Then one adds in the biological piece (through the use of medication, or through other means that affect our physiology) and we have more improvement. But medication does not always fix all. Sometimes it makes things worse. Sometimes the side effects are too much. And sometimes it temporarily alleviates problems but when the medication ends the problems remain. 

Over the years my practice began to be more and more about treating trauma. There is so much trauma in this world and I saw the effects of that very close to home when we brought home our 4 adopted kiddos. Adoption is trauma. Color it in pretty words, but at its root there is loss and trauma. Living with our kids, and the increasing types of trauma my clients were sharing about, had me desperate to learn more strategies to understand how to help those who have experienced trauma. Please do not tell (or believe) an adoptive parent that if they just "love your child enough" it will be better. That is a lie and it hurts everyone involved. Trauma causes physiological changes in the body which affect behavior and thought processes. Add in if there were genetic issues (for example, there is new research which is finding a significant genetic link (up to 40%) for personality disorders which were previously thought to only be due to "nurture" and not "nature" and ADHD is 90% due to genetic causes) or prenatal exposure to drugs or alcohol and you have even more biological issues to overcome. Then the current research on how trauma in parents affects the offspring? 

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-parents-rsquo-trauma-leaves-biological-traces-in-children/

Please read the above article on some fascinating research of how long term trauma of parents (holocaust survivors) and short term trauma of parents (9/11 attacks) biologically impacts their children. We need to understand the effects so we can intervene appropriately and early before more generations are negatively impacted.

All of that to say that we know that there is a physiological component that must be considered. We are failing if we believe that "just" doing or thinking differently is all we need to do to improve. There is a great 6 minute video below that discusses Polyvagal Theory (PVT) showing how our fight/flight/freeze systems work and the the impact on our emotions, behaviors, and thoughts. I highly recommend watching:) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zYvZUorQbrg

As PVT describes, we move back and forth throughout our days and lives from states of feeling safe and states of feeling danger. That is a great design for our bodies, but often due to trauma we (or our parents) have experienced we will perceive "danger" even when it is not present (TBRI therapy which is developed solely for the purpose of working with children who have been through trauma has a critical component of helping the child find "felt safety." Not being told they are safe, but feeling safe). That leads to our body being in an exhausting and damaging state of fight/flight or freeze when it should not be. Our bodies are designed to have a cortisol/adrenaline dump (part of the fight/flight or freeze response) to help us get through the crisis, then within 20-30 minutes going back to "normal." People who have experienced trauma often have cortisol levels that are 2-3 times higher than they are supposed to for years causing damage to the brain and body including the immune system. 

I am one of those people. Despite years of elevated labs and many many "traditional" types of interventions (behavioral, cognitive, spiritual, and medicine) I am still elevated. I heard many of my clients share the same concerns - despite doing all of the "right" therapies, they are still "a constant worrier" or "always anxious" or "can't feel calm" or "get upset about small things all of the time."  In trying to find alternatives I had not yet used I came across neurofeedback. Neurofeedback is a type of biofeedback but it is specifically monitoring the central nervous system (the fight/flight and freeze system). I was skeptical and did a lot of research. There are many different types of neurofeedback but eventually I settled on NeurOptimal (NO) for many reasons (that are beyond this post). I believe it to be the best neurofeedback system.

I have been using the NO and have noticed things like improved sleep, feeling more alert and functioning upon waking, physically feeling calmer, and not getting as worried or anxious about situations that before would make me lose a lot of sleep. I have an iwatch that I wear to bed to monitor my sleep, heart rate, etc. My heart rate went from averaging in the upper 70's and 80's DURING SLEEP when I am supposed to be calm and relaxed, to 61. I have a lot going on with my business right now and feel like I am actually keeping the balls I am juggling in the air rather than dropping them or trying to hide away from all of the work as it is overwhelming. 

Every day my husband texts me and asks me how I am feeling (yes, he is the best of men:). I am always writing back some complaint (this past year has been so hard medically) or at best an "ok." I was surprised awhile back that I was answering him with "I am good!" I actually feel...good. My pain levels are low. So low that I even have times when I experience NO PAIN. In church Sunday I even held my 3 year old grandson while standing up. Something I have never been able to do. Something that makes me sad because he already knows that Nana can't pick him up so he just bypasses me and heads to someone else. I held him Sunday AND had no pain during or afterwards. 

I will be having more lab work done in a couple of months and I am very curious about what my cortisol number will be. 

Nothing is a cure all - but understanding PVT and the benefits of neurofeedback in mitigating the central nervous system feeling like it is in danger all of the time can help with a lot of issues. 

If you have questions, please ask! Just be prepared to get a longer answer than you probably want as I am very passionate on this topic;)

Life Update

 I have put off posting for months now as I am not sure what to say. With regards to the girls, a friend said it best, " There just aren't words for this kind of pain." Faith came home at Easter and was supposed to be here for 2 days. We had our Easter with all of our kids (not Grace) and it was awkward. That night she was watching a show that I thought had questionable content and asked her about it. She got angry and I just straight out asked her "what do you want from us? What are we doing here? What is our goal?" She said she didn't want to f...ing be here and never wanted to f...ing come back. So, my husband loaded her up and got her back to the group home at 10:30 at night. She didn't talk during the entire drive. We haven't heard a word from her since then. It has been 3 months. Her birthday was this past week so we called the home to see how she was doing and how to proceed for communication for her birthday. She hasn't mentioned us once. The only emotion she shows there is "to be mean." We decided to send a card. She did not acknowledge Mother's or Father's Day (which was not a surprise) but did not acknowledge Superman's birthday at all. That felt cruel (they are bio siblings). When we asked him if he wanted to call her on her birthday he was ambivalent and said she wouldn't talk anyway so there was probably no point. She is a narcissist through and through.

Grace - uff da. I don't even know what to say. We were not having contact due to her not having yet made an apology for her choices that led to her going back to the group home. We finally got that letter (which she called and read to us in front of staff) the last week of April. She had been gone for almost 4 months at that point. We then agreed to resuming 5 minute phone calls once a week. The night of the first call we got another visit from police that she had made another allegation. She had gone into her first session of therapy and said who knows what. We stopped contact. After 7 weeks of calling the group home and insisting that the situation be addressed rather than just avoiding and burying heads in sand, we just got to have a phone call last week with her and the 3 people most in charge of her. She, as expected, said the information she shared was "misunderstood" and how much she misses us and loves us and wants to see us. She has no idea. No idea the impact of her actions and words. She apologized, again, and everyone in charge knows that she fabricated information. But she gets a new therapist next month (they are all interns who rotate every 6 months - yes, that is a very very bad choice for kids of this caliber and attachment needs rotating out newbie therapists every 6 months) and we will see if it happens again. I am attending a swim meet of hers this week in good faith that she is sincere about her apology. I will be attending by myself. Time will tell what the next drama will be. 

I have been doing a lot of research on Borderline Personality Disorder. When I was in college (when dinosaurs roamed the earth) it was taught that BPD was a "nurture" problem due to abuse. However, current research is indicating that BPD is potentially 40% "nature" and 60% nurture. Therefore a much larger percentage is genetic and due to prenatal influences and early life. Her first two years were so chaotic pre-adoption. 

My health: constantly changing so it has been hard to know what is relevant or important to share.

WATER: We found that I have toxic levels of several metals including lead, arsenic, uranium, etc. We had our water tested (and changed our plates, cooking pans, hair dye, etc). We found that our FILTERED water had twice as much arsenic in it than the FDA recommends. Twice. So, we bought a new filter machine and are waiting for the test results from that to see if it is working to eliminate the arsenic and uranium. We gave our results to the city a month ago and asked them about it. We have not heard back. I am now hyper aware of the water I drink. I am even a bit phobic about it. I bought a water jug to hold a huge amount of water that I take with me everywhere. I bought a special pitcher (not Britta) in case I am traveling. And I bought the water jug that has the filter at the end of the straw for when I can't carry water with me. I used to always order water at restaurants. Now I order Sprite because I am scared I am getting tap water that may be contaminated. I am scared in general what is in my food and water as a result of this. It is a good thing that we mostly eat home cooked meals. Every time I brush my teeth I am wondering how much arsenic I am getting in my body, etc. I can really get worked up about it. 

Lyme: I just got bloodwork back that shows that my Lyme numbers went up after a year of treatment. That actually means that the bacteria are being pulled out of their hiding places in my body and therefore are accessible in my blood stream now to be detected. So that is good news (pulling from hiding places so can be eliminated). The bad news? My hot flashes are back with a major vengeance and making me miserable, affecting me sleep and just daily life. They make me nauseated. I used to be cold all of the time. I am now sick and tired of sweating and being clammy all.the.time. And my family is sick of being cold in a house that I have the AC set at 4+ degrees colder than it has ever been kept before - and I am STILL SWEATING. The other bad news is that my liver is overloaded with trying to eliminate the bacteria so we are starting something new to get that more efficient. 

Pain: The good news is that I am having much much lower levels of pain. Being on the Lyme protocol, then adding Dr. Klinghardt's Lyme Protocol has been a game changer for the joint pain. 

The lower back pain has had massive improvement from using a new chiropractor that utilizes the Gonstead method. I am very very impressed. I was able, at our local festival, to take our two year old grandson around on the rides. I LIFTED HIM into and out of rides. I stood for hours watching and following him around. I then later carried our 7 month old granddaughter until she fell asleep. I could not have done that a month ago. I could not even sweep the floor a month ago. I am not going to say I am not in any pain. But I have gone from daily pain at a 6-9 most of the time, to usually being at a 2-5. Major change. 

I also was asked to contact a specialist via phone to talk about my pain. I was led to the name John Sarnos who has youtube videos and several books. I have read one of his books and started another. I was initially offended and very skeptical. However, the more I learn the more I realize how what he is teaching is not much different that what I am teaching people in psychotherapy about their sympathetic nervous system being activated and all of the mysterious ways the brain can work (when it "thinks" it is in protection mode). His work is on the Mind-Body connection. It, too, was a major game changer for me. The chiropractor was telling me that my paraspinal muscles were "like bricks." Dr. Sarno's book helped me understand that connection and work on that so that the chiropractic work could be more effective. It forced me to do some deep introspective work on my emotions (particularly anger) that I haven't allowed myself to feel (e.g. who has time for anger and what good would it do to acknowledge it when you can't change it? lol!). But that ongoing work has been very very fruitful. In fact, I stopped my injections...

So, life has been a mixed bag. I feel peace because I know that God has it all. He is not surprised by any of it. And the outcomes of all of this are not up to me (I need to do the work of healing, but He is in charge of the healing). That doesn't mean the process is peaceful, but I am, at the moment, seeing fruit of my efforts. Journeys always have ups and downs. I feel like I am walking several roads simultaneously and some are uphill while others are downhill at the moment. I am thankful that I am still walking:)

The Latest Drama

 Drama. I am getting tired of drama. This is a split post between my current medical drama, and Grace's drama. See?  Too.Much.Drama.

Medically? I have finished 7 months of Lyme Disease treatment. For the most part labs are looking better, many of the symptoms are better, and I am moving in the right direction. However, I had Covid in December and the viral load kicked up the other viral issues I am dealing with (like Epstein Barr) and my central nervous system decided to kick "on" to fight/flight mode and I am not a fan. I have not been sleeping and my pain levels are high. This week is the highest they have been in a long time. Sometimes - (usually in the evenings after I have been using my back all day) I will move wrong and involuntary let out a scream - kind of pain. Not a fan. So yesterday I had injections of some kind directly into the nerve in my back that isn't being nice to me. I was really nervous about it but quite honestly the pain of 6 injections into my nerve was far less than my daily pain so it was ok:) So far I am not noticing any improvement but I was too nervous about the injections to stop and ask what I was supposed to expect lol! It isn't a "one and done" kind of injection so more will follow. In hindsight I should have asked more questions - but when they said it could help and I have been reduced to minimal movement I was just jumping at the chance of any relief. On top of that, the IV medication I have been on for months every 1-2 weeks is in a national shortage and can only now be used in ICU's. So... I cannot get the medication that was giving me the most relief. I am taking some other meds in place of it but they are not as effective as the IV's. 

I also had two other interventions that they said would help with the viral loads and calming down my sympathetic nervous system. I was started on three new medications, but was only able to take one last night. Yet, for the first time in a month I was able to actually deep sleep for longer than 15-45 minutes total for the night (I love my iwatch and how it can measure all of those lovely sleep/heart rate/respiration/etc facts for me). I woke up at 6 a.m. today energetic and ready for the day. It felt good! By noon I was dragging, but I had 6 hours of good productivity:) I start a nerve pain medication today that is supposed to help until the injections can do their job so I am hopeful. 14 years of chronic back pain has been hard, but it is getting unmanageable. The cause of the current pain is not the cause of the pain 14 years ago though. My goal is to get to go hiking again this summer. There is no way I could do it now, but it is my goal:) I still can't walk 2 miles which even 4 months ago was the least of my exercise for the day. Of course, being able to play with and hold my grandchildren is also my goal;) 

As for Grace. She has made choices that have resulted in people being upset with her. Lying, exaggerating, spreading rumors, etc have made peers upset. To the point that last week there was a physical altercation that resulted in slight injuries for Grace, and Wednesday there was another physical altercation with the same girl that resulted in Grace being taken via ambulance to Children's Hospital where she was assessed and treated for 24 hours before being released. I absolutely do not want to blame the victim here, no one deserves to be assaulted. However, Grace was not innocent in the situation and in a setting were people (including Grace) have extremely poor impulse control? This was not a surprise. Grace is now having very unfortunate natural consequences for her choices. We are hoping she learns something from it (yes, the other girl is being charged with both assaults. Again, Grace did not deserve to be assaulted, but she was not innocent in the situation and we are worried that someday someone who is actually bigger than Grace will take offense to her and really hurt her if she does not learn to stop speaking untruths). Seeing Grace in the ER (she was in a single room) along with the Family Teacher allowed us to have a long conversation with Grace and her FT about where my husband I stand with the current situation, we got to again express our heartbreak at what Grace did while she was at home making false accusations against us, and we were able to tell her that it confuses us when she worked so hard to get out of our house but then when things are hard/scary she is begging for us to be there for her. 

So, drama with my pain, and poor sleep, and viral loads. Drama with 24 hours in the ER. Drama with waiting to see next week if she will need surgery to repair possible damage. Drama with national shortages of medications. Drama with kids making poor choices. Drama with what pursing assault charges will look like navigating the juvenile criminal justice system.

But, also hope. Hope that medically things may be going in the right direction. Hope that maybe this terrible situation will wake Grace up to realities. Hope is good:)

What Does It Mean That The Girls Are "Gone"? Trying to make sense of our new normal.

 Warning, this post is going to be raw. I have tried to keep my comments, most of the time, as upbeat as possible in the past. But today isn't going to be like that. Additional warning - my thoughts are still all over the place as I am very wounded and working on healing. I don't have any answers, direction, or really a lot positive to say. So, if you choose to read on please keep that in mind. 

Grace left for residential treatment in 10/2019 after over a decade of damaging and hurtful behavior. She was out of control. People who haven't lived with someone like her just won't understand the insanity. I will share below what we recently discovered for a diagnosis. She went to residential treatment for 17 weeks prior to transferring to a residential in home program where she stayed until July 2021. When she first came home we had a 1 month honeymoon period before things got terrible really quick. 

Faith had left for the same residential program in March 2020 and came home in December 2020. That was really hard because, due to Covid procedures, we hadn't gotten to see her so did not get to see what her progress looked like. Her behaviors there were not terrible (unlike the reports we got on Grace). So we brought her home. We had about 2 good weeks with her then her choices went back to where they were before, and worse. We got through the semester of school but then got her back to the in home program as soon as we could (mid June 2021). She has stated that she does not have any desire to return to live with us. She plans to graduate from that program. When she first left the first month was very difficult. She would call and her first words would be "you need to buy me xyz." or so and so "told me to tell you that you need to by me xyz." Then we would follow up and find out that was a lie. She had nothing to say to us except essentially "you are my bank, buy me what I want." After a month we, in agreement with the staff, decided that phone calls would be stopped and only letters would be used for communication. She had shortened Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks with us because, quite frankly, she doesn't want to be here and it is extremely uncomfortable.  

So Faith was gone for 2 weeks when Grace came back home. I stated above how poorly that went. Grace went back to the residential program in January 2022 and she, too, will not return. Her situation is a bit harder to deal with. While Faith has made it clear she just doesn't want to be here, Grace is - chaos and drama incarnate. 

Here is where the not fun stuff starts. In November Grace decided that she would search online for a random person to adopt her. He asked for money. She asked people how to get it to him. He asked for her address. She gave him one (not ours) but in our small town. When the school found out what happened (she, THANK THE LORD, asked a teacher about the money situation who told the principal and it all got stopped) they asked why she wanted to be adopted to someone else and she complained about not getting to eat food she wanted, not getting along with me, etc. So, because she was going to those lengths to get adopted elsewhere we got turned into HHS. Obviously the claims were unsubstantiated so nothing happened but we were so utterly and devastatingly wounded by her behavior. THEN she (she actually told someone that if she made enough complaints about us that HHS would have to come and get her, so she would just make complains so she could get into the foster system and be adopted elsewhere) started making comments to all kinds of people that she was being "abused" at home. When we would challenge her about that and tell her to quit lying to people she just said "but I AM being abused!" I kept telling her that being on a diet from foods that make her sick and not getting her way is not abuse. During one of the many conversations I had with her, after my husband walked into a store and people turned and walked away from him, I finally got fed up and point blank said to her "do you understand that when you say you are being abused at home that people think that means someone is having sex with you!" She looked completely shocked, turned white, gave a token "sorry" eventually - but still had no idea of the hurt and pain she was causing us, and the damage to our relationships by insisting on continuing to say those things. 

Additionally, she told people that her 16 year old brother had pushed her into a wall. First of all, that is not abuse. Secondly? She never added that she hit him in the stomach and he had just grabbed her hands so she couldn't do it again. She has a long history of starting stories in the middle - conveniently AFTER her part in the situation. There is no way that we can put our sons at risk of her falsely accusing them of "abuse." So, we had to stop all activities and my husband or I had to stay home with her constantly to ensure she didn't have the opportunity to make a false accusation until we could get her out of the house to protect them (and her from her choosing twice - TWICE - to contact random stranger males and set up times to meet them). I cannot imagine how hard that was for my husband knowing what she was saying about him too. He was so hurt. So devastated and broken by her words. All to "go back into foster care and be adopted by another family because thousands of people would want to adopt me!" Ugh. It was, and is, beyond comprehension.

We took the time between Thanksgiving (when we put the application back in to the residential program) and Christmas to try to change her medications, have her counselor try to get her to understand what she was doing, neurological biofeedback interventions, IV treatments - ANYTHING to try to help her body and brain to not be so messed up so she would think more clearly and make better choices. We spent over $5000 out of pocket that month grasping at any straws that we could just to try to get her help, heal her mind and body, anything to help her get better.

When we took her in for a psychiatric appointment for medication adjustments the practitioner told us that she had no idea what was going on (welcome to the club) and to get an in depth psych eval done. So, we did. We found the most fabulous pediatric neuropsychologist who did a thorough and excellent neuropsych evaluation. Those results were validating, but defeating. Her ADHD was corroborated (no surprise). But we finally got an official diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Effect. Let me tell you - after what we have lived through for the past 15 years I am tempted to walk up to every pregnant woman that I see using alcohol or drugs and force them to live with Grace for 7 solid days. Then they will know why they should not do that!!!  But, I am getting off focus. 

Anyway, she was also given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder features. Personality Disorders can not be diagnosed until a person is an adult - but the symptoms do not just pop up in adulthood. They are present in minors - and boy oh boy is it present in Grace. I did not want to believe that was the problem. I wanted to believe it was the ADHD. The Fetal Alcohol Effect that we could somehow do some healing with. Maybe even Bipolar that could be medicated. Something else. Not Borderline PD. But, here we are. One daughter with Borderline PD and the other with Narcissistic PD. 

How do we deal with that? I don't even know. Having them out of the house makes our home much less toxic. Faith, since she doesn't care about us, doesn't contact us other than 5 sentence letters that are required as part of her program (to foster family connection). But, Grace? Since going back to the program she is calling, crying, tattling on Faith, wanting us to talk to people to get them to (essentially not require her to do things she needs to do), wanting sympathy. Acting like she didn't lie to people about being abused at home all so she could be adopted elsewhere? Seriously? Acting like she didn't lie to people we see every day making them think terrible things about us. Acting like with a "sorry" that the world is righted again.

But it isn't! For those of you who have loved people with Borderline (or Narcissism) you will get it. The rest of you? Do a few google searches. We were initially told she wouldn't be able to call for the first month while getting settled. She is calling several times a week! Crying about this or that like we can change anything or that she didn't cause the problem herself, and now she wants us to "fix" it. Until the next time we tell her "no" and she starts to lie about us again. I just can't even. I took one of the phone calls - told her that she made her choices and needs to deal with the consequences - and now she will only call my husband because he will let her ramble and complain. How he has the patience to do that when he knows what she has told people to think about him is beyond me. He is a better person than I am. 

I am mad. I am hurt. I am frustrated. I am devastated. I am without direction. I feel misunderstood. I don't even understand myself. This is a horrible situation and not anything like what I expected when we adopted. I am sure there are some great life lessons that I am supposed to be learning. I hope I will eventually learn them. Right now we have had her gone for 17 days. We are still trying to right the ship from all of the chaos and destruction she left behind. Still trying to reconcile that our daughters will NEVER live with us again. That we need to move forward - as a family of 6? How do I even define what the girls are at this point? They are our daughters, but yet not part of the family? I don't even know how to make sense of it.

I warned you. This was raw and vulnerable. I have no answers. But I know I am not alone. There are unfortunately thousands of us parents who are dealing with kiddos like this. We feel alone. A lot of people judge us and don't understand because Borderlines and Narcissists can look SOOOOO appealing to the masses. But, those of us who live with them? We know. If you are one of these parents - I am so sorry. Find people who will hear you and support you. For those who are not one of these parents? If you come across one of us? Hear us out. Listen. Please don't judge. Acknowledge that there are things that are not what they seem. Give us as safe space to heal. 

Even with all of this uncertainty, pain, sadness, and grief I know where my hope is. I know who is never surprised by anything. I know who foresaw this and will carry us through and help us grow. I know who has the power and the choice to change or not change things. I know who will guide us forward. I will choose to trust. I will choose to obey. I will choose Him.

So, how are we moving forward? By focusing on the 4 children in our lives who have been sidelined and marginalized as we have dealt with the utter insanity of the past 13 years. Before we were confined to the house just to contain behaviors. Now we are going to all of the kids' activities and I have only been home 1 day without any activities in the past 17 days. We are trying to make up for lost time with them and show them how important they are. It is new for them. They don't even know how to ask for what they need because they have just tiptoed around for years trying to not cause waves. Buddy has retreated to his room and his college classes/reading to escape the chaos of the house. Superman has become involved in sports and hanging out with friends to escape. JJ has learned to retreat within the home too and become his own island. However, we are determined as a family to heal. We will move forward. Covid was a very healing time for my husband and I and the boys. We had 10 months then to heal - we just thought we would be reintroducing the girls back at some point. Now we have had to make the mind shift that that won't happen but we can get back to life - and feeling safe from verbal and physical attacks. Wow, that takes some getting used to. Feeling safe in ones own home. It is a good feeling:) All will be well. Eventually. Soon:)

And she is gone...

 The first time the girls left we thought they would go to treatment, come back in 18ish months, and then we would have a couple of years together as a united, healthy, functional family before the 3 Middles graduated high school.

That was not to be. 2020 we held hope that was our future. 2021 showed us that "healthy and functional" was not to be. So now both girls are gone and will never live in our home again. They will remain in residential treatment until they graduate high school, then move on. 

It is a different feeling this time, with a different expectation for a future. With a different expectation of family. 

This child that we were able to get into an extensive evaluation the week before Christmas that recommended a structured residential program until graduation because of the issues discovered. Issues we had considered but did not really want to accept were reality. They are her reality. And therefore ours. 

What happens upon graduation and she leaves that program? I don't know. She vacillated between saying she wanted to be adopted by another family and never return and that she wanted to remain with our family. Time will tell that outcome. 

The last 6 weeks our family has essentially been in lockdown attempting to contain the behaviors of this child. Now we grieve, again, and look forward to whatever our new normal will be. There is a mixture of relief that we do not have to deal with the extensive issues we dealt with, and sadness that our family does not look like what we thought it would look like.

Yet, through it all we are reminded that God is sovereign. He is good. He is not surprised by this. He has a plan. He knows the future. And we can trust in Him. 

And, we have 4 children who have made different choices. 4 children, and son-in-law, and 3 grandchildren who have been marginalized for years because of all of the energy and decisions that had to be made just to survive 2 of our children. We are choosing to delight in them. Refocus our energy on them while we still have them. We are choosing Joy. 

Adoption: When Do You Give Up?

 Adoption. A word that used to bring so much excitement to me. So much joy and happiness. The hope that comes from knowing you are loving someone as your own and looking forward to a life together. Knowing that there will be ups and downs but in the end "good" will prevail.

I suppose people feel the same way on their wedding day. But, like the current statistics of a 50% divorce rate, our 4 adoptions have had 2 that have brought ups and downs but mostly joy- and 2 that have been a nightmare.

To sacrificially pour yourself in a child, to pour as many resources and researching and everything you have into a child and have them not want it back? Just like in marriage when one partner doesn't want the union to work, the same can happen with a child. 

It takes more than love: What happens when adoption fails - an article from "Today." 

"Disruption rarely occurs with infants," says Freeman, the Seattle-area adoption counselor. "But if you're talking about older children, it can be anywhere from 5 to 20 percent. It's significantly higher because of the complexities of parenting a child who already has life experiences and certain behaviors. When we're rejected and traumatized early in our development, it changes the way we function and respond to people."

Older children – especially ones who have been neglected, rejected and abused -- distance themselves from others and become "a bit hard-shelled," says Freeman.

"It's like marrying someone who's been married three or four times," she says. "Do you think they're going to go into the next marriage without any suspicions or ghosts from the past?"

We are in this situation right now. I have more friends who have adopted and disrupted than I do who have had adoptions that did not have this struggle. We have a child right now who has decided that staying with our family is something not wanted, and decided that the best way to rectify that is to tell tall tales about our family in an effort to "get readopted." Numerous varied stories are being told to different people with the idea that it will result in another placement. No care at all as to the truth of the situation. No care at all as to the harm and hurt that is causing our family. Apparently different people are being told different things but when we ask what is so terrible and horrible worth leaving our family we are told "mind your own business" and "you won't tell the principal that I should be pulled from algebra and biology." What?!?!?  WHAT?!?!?!? Again, we are now hearing that different things are being told to different people but this past 10 days since it first came to our attention has been- heartbreaking.

I think about divorced parents and kiddos who don't like the rules at one home so manipulate a situation to stay with the parent with fewer rules/expectations. This is just like that. Don't like the rules? Make up a story so you can roll the dice and find another family that will (in fantasy land) let you do whatever you want!

It is heartbreaking to us that people have heard this and not come to us. Why do people talk amongst themselves and not go to the source? That hurts too.

It is heartbreaking. It is such a betrayal to our hearts. This is not, ever, how we thought an adoption would end up. When I see people adopting now I want to run up to them and say "DON'T! IT WILL HURT TOO MUCH!!" 

I remember when we were getting ready to say yes to this child's placement and I got cold feet. I went to our pastor and said, "What if we adopt this child and they turn out to be the anti-christ? Should we really do this?" (Yes, I was being a bit dramatic). The wise words I was told reminded me that if God is sovereign (and He is) and if he decides that we are to adopt the anti-christ - then what are we going to do about it? How are we going to stop it? We can't. So, we went ahead with the placement. Here we are today, dealing with a heartbreaking situation, and I am fighting to remind myself that God is sovereign. That we did adopt the exact children God determined for us to adopt. And that just because God puts a situation in your life it does not ever mean that it will feel good or have a happy outcome.

So as we sit here wondering how in the world our situation came to this, and feeling the terrible pain of someone we love treating us like an enemy, we covet prayer and wisdom. At this point I can only cry out to Him "please!" I don't even know what I am praying for as an outcome. Just "PLEASE!" 

I am reminded of...

Romans 8:26  For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

But when I told a friend this she wisely reminded me that verses 27 -28 follow verse 26 - 

27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

 28And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

So as we pray and groan we are reaching out to "knock" on several doors and waiting to see what God opens. We have decided that if this child is willing to go to these lengths to leave, then we will facilitate that request. Waiting on God to show us the "how." Praying He chooses to answer that request very soon.

Lyme Journey - Month 4 Pain and Depression

 The past 6 weeks since the last time I posted has been a mostly unpleasant journey. My pain levels have increased and there were days that, as I sat still and not moving because of the pain, I wondered if I did not have family if I would even be able to live by myself. I thought through what I could have hired out to do and if I could manage then. Then I reminded myself that was an exercise in futility as I do have family and they do help me. So thankful for my husband and boys!

About a month ago I had x-rays to try to find out more causes of the pain and discovered that my L5 has fused to my sacrum (arthritis). That area is fused crooked and is then causing problems with the nerve between the L5 and L4. That was a reality I don't want to deal with.

So between the structural deformities causing me pain and the Lyme Disease causing me pain it has been...unpleasant. As you can imagine, it has led me to some feelings of despair and hopelessness that I will ever feel better. Our third grandchild has been born in this time as well - a cause for huge celebration! She is so precious and adorable. Unfortunately, my thoughts go to what I "can't" do with the grandkids because of my pain levels. Thankfully right now she is content to just sleep on me. I feel like a failure that I cannot help out my daughter like I would like to during this transition to 3 children. I feel hopeless for our other 5 children who will have future grandchildren and I don't know if I will be able to be the grandma to them that I want to be.

But, again, I remind myself that I cannot keep thinking that how I physically and emotionally feel today is how I will feel in the future. At the beginning of treatment I felt hopeful that I would feel better someday. 4 months in feeling worse? It has been hard to adjust mentally. I tell myself often that I can still work so I am not completely unable to contribute to the running of the household - but the reality is that at home my husband has taken on 99% of all parenting/household duties and he is getting burned out too.

Then, last week, one of our kids did something that was such an utter betrayal to us that we are still... in shock. We are so incredibly thankful to the people who rallied around us for that/this time but we are really completely and totally unsure what to do next. 

We know God is faithful and we keep moving forward seeking His guidance with each step. This life is so hard. I know it could be worse, but, really, it is so hard. We are trying to focus on the positives that we are blessed with but last week reminded us that when you think you are standing on solid ground the rug can be pulled out from under your feel and leave you looking around in shock. 

I sing hymns to myself like "I Know My Redeemer Lives" and "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" and "It Is Well With My Soul" and "Amazing Grace" and many others reminding myself of God's faithfulness, steadfastness, and goodness when it is getting hard. What would we do without Jesus? The verse I hang on it is "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." 

Persevere, Persevere, Persevere. 

Lyme Journey - 2 1/2 months into treatment

 The past few weeks have brought some changes in treatment and symptoms. I had a lot of pain for a few weeks. That has been better the past few days. The weekly B12 injections have been incredibly helpful for the hot flashes. I now have NONE during the day and only some minor ones at night. I still have to sleep with a fan blowing on me but I don't wake up drenched in sweat 4-5 times a night and then struggle to fall back asleep. I am so thankful that the injections are helping my nervous system. Energy level has not been improved like I thought it would but that may come in time - I do struggle with sleep the first few nights after my shot but not having the hot flashes balances it all out:) 

I have been on the same meds for the first 2 1/2 months 4 times a day. This weekend those medications changed up so I am a little nervous about what those changes will do as I didn't do will the first two weeks of the first set of meds. At least I know that if I feel poorly that it will hopefully only last a couple of weeks:)

I started Chelation yesterday. Since it was my first one they then test my urine output for the first 12 hours after the treatment to see exactly what metals are in my body. (Chelation is a heavy metal detoxification treatment). Those will be weekly or every other week for months. We will see how my blood work looks over time.

I also had a blood draw yesterday for an MRT which is a blood test to see what foods I am sensitive to. I am not excited about those results as it will mean I have to stay away from more than just gluten and dairy. That has been hard enough. But I know that long term healing and health will come from not eating what causes my body inflammation. 

It about maxes out my energy to just get through work and the day. When I am home I sit most of the time. I was happy that I made meals this weekend (well, one crockpot meal each day so we ate that meal all day lol!). I also get dishes done every day. My husband has taken over pretty much everything else. He has been so compassionate and helpful through all of this. He takes care of everything with the kids, medical appointments for the kids, keeping on top of parenting issues, household chores, and then all of his many responsibilities with the church and his self-employment businesses. I am so thankful for him. He worries about me but doesn't complain. He texts me when I am at work with many words of encouragement and prayer and when I am home he tells me to not overdo it and to sit and rest. I would say that we have tried to be about 50/50 in terms of household responsibilities and right now it is about 95/5.  I am so thankful for him. I know many husbands would not be as sacrificial as he is. I praise God for him:)

Lyme Journey - 8 weeks into treatment

 The last time I wrote I was 2 weeks into treatment. Now I am two months in. The first two weeks were pretty brutal and I worried if I would be able to continue to work. However, the titration of the medication stabilized so I have been able to live with the current symptoms. The medication changes in 2 weeks so I am a little nervous about what side effects will happen then. I take it 4 times a day so it is a lot to remember, but I can see signs that it is helping.

I knew nothing about Lyme Disease when I started this journey except that it was caused by being bitten by a tick and some people have "terrible" symptoms and cannot find relief. I did not know what the symptoms even were. I have spent as much time as I can since then trying to understand my symptoms and have discovered that I have probably had this for a long time. 

The research talks about 3 stages of the acute progression of Lyme. Then there is a chronic form since Lyme never actually goes away. That is what I have. Unfortunately, since I did not know what Lyme Disease was, I have assumed that the symptoms that have been the worst for me have been due to other problems. I have been so thankful for others who have spoke out about their experience as it has provided me with the validation of my symptoms that I am not making this out to be worse than it really is.

Specifically, I thought the chronic pain I am dealing with is due to a herniated disk that was diagnosed 11 years ago. Sometime in the past two years the pain got so back that I started seeing a new chiropractor who I knew performed Dry Needling as I was desperate for pain relief. After our initially assessment he informed me that my pain was not due to the herniated disk so they Dry Needling would not benefit me. That took me aback as I have been treating the pain for the past decade as if it was that. It wasn't until the Lyme diagnosis that I realize that the chronic pain is due to the nerve damage caused by the bacteria that causes Lyme Disease. I have now been started on B12 injections weekly in an attempt to improve the pain and stop, if not reduce the damage being caused. The pain is primarily in my back although it is also in the joints of my hands and feet, and in my neck and shoulders. I have to wear my tennis shoes constantly as I cannot stand the pain of going bare foot, and can only wear my tennis shoes with my custom orthotics and not sandals (thankfully I am not a person who likes pretty shoes and am willing to wear tennis shoes with skirts for work lol!). 

If I think of pain on a scale of 0-10 with 10 being the pain of childbirth (writhing and screaming incoherently:) and 7 being the stage when I would start to tear up due to the pain, for a long time I was at a 2/3 most of the time with some flare ups. I am now riding probably a 4/5 most of the time with flares at the 6/7 mark. 

Another symptom that I misattributed for 3 years were the hot flashes. I am a woman at the age when hot flashes are the norm. Why would I think it was something else? Three hot flashes an hour 24/7 bad enough to leave me dripping in sweat each time? I thought it was excessive but thought I just had to live with it. My PCP put me on hormones and thyroid medication which did help some, but now we know that the hot flashes are due to the damage to my nervous system. You know when you are startled and your body goes into "fight/flight" mode? You get lightheaded, dizzy, nauseated, and break out in a sweat when somethings scares you? Well, my nervous system does that frequently when it feels heat, anxiety, or pain. Being as that I am in chronic pain? My nervous system triggers often. Going from sitting to standing. Shifting while sitting. Standing still too long (like during worship in church or just talking with people). Bending over. Rolling over in bed. I wake up every 1-2 hours at night drenched in sweat. I have to have a fan blowing on me all night long just to keep me as cool as possible so I can get as much sleep as I do get. I dread that it is getting in the 40's at night now and we will have to turn the furnace on soon. My family is having to live with a very cold house and I wear shorts and a tank top at home just to keep my body as cool as I can. Anything warm will cause a hot flash too - so my family has learned to quit asking for hugs or touch as skin on skin is too warm. 

The Thursday before Labor Day I got a terrible migraine that lasted 4 days. The meds I have been on for the past 2 years have helped them tremendously so I was surprised that I got it and couldn't get rid of it despite using the usual tricks. Then the pain racheted up to the point where I had to quit my walks with my husband and my daily runs. We were set to go to the State Fair but the pain was so bad that I had to forgo attending. That is the first time I have not done something because of a migraine - and I have been having them for 25 years. I had been running on a trampoline 5 miles in under an hour 5-7 days a week. I had to quit for several weeks due to the pain and now my pain/endurance is such that I can only make it just over 2 miles in 30 minutes and have to quit. I can do some of the 2 mile walks with my husband like we are used to, but they are maybe once a week now and sometimes I have to cut them short. 

So, because of this I have been started on B12 injections. We are hoping for a good outcome. I should find out later this week when IV treatments will start. Another factor in here is that I have MTHFR. I had never heard of that but my PCP tested me for it - it is a DNA level problem. It essentially means that I cannot utilize B12 or folate and must take the methyl form. I initially took the regular form and it really made a noticeable difference when I took the methyl form. (as an aside, apparently if a woman has MTHFR she cannot absorb regular folate so she advised me that my daughters who have MTHFR should take methyl folate before/during pregnancies to assist in those being healthy pregnancies).

I am thankful that I can still work. I am thankful that I have a husband and family who are so incredibly supportive and understanding - they don't tell me to get over it or try to convince me it isn't that bad. My husband has taken on even more responsibilities and steps in to stop me when I try to do something that will likely make the pain worse, or tells me to sit down and rest or go take a nap. He is such an incredible man. I am so blessed to have him by my side. I am thankful for the relief that I have gotten from being dairy and gluten free - that has really made a difference for the symptoms that was causing. I am thankful that I am discovering more foods that I can eat that are safe for me and don't taste terrible:) I am thankful that God in His sovereignty led me to my PCP who was willing to keep digging until she discovered the problem. I am thankful for her taking the time to hear me and seek solutions for the pain. Since this has started I hear horror stories of people currently diagnosed with Lyme Disease who asked PCP's to run the test and were refused (being told Lyme Disease doesn't exist around here) so they had to go elsewhere to get the diagnosis so that they can get the proper treatment. Finally, I am thankful that, despite how hard it is to work so much right now, I have the finances to pay for all of this as none of it is covered by insurance. I know that is a blessing that not everyone has. 

God had a plan. He has this. He knew about it before it started and knows what the process and outcome will be. I keep praying for wisdom so I know how to proceed and then I seek to patiently trust Him for the outcome:)

Lyme Journey - Week 3

Three weeks ago I was given the diagnosis of Lyme Disease starting yet another journey of a steep learning curve and navigating "new." 

The first week I was pretty much in shock and disbelief. I had to figure out if I trusted the diagnosis (it was determined by blood work so I guess there isn't any second guessing about that) but also if I could trust the treatment. I don't know much about Lyme Disease at all except that some people are so comprehensively affected that they are unable to function well at all. Obviously I am still able to function. 

Once I came to terms with the diagnosis I had to think through what treatment to try. There are SOOOO many opinions about treatment for Lyme Disease. SO MANY. After researching some of them I decided to just continue to trust my Functional Medicine doctor and go with what she recommended. I started treatment two weeks ago and it has been a learning curve. I tend to straddle the line between traditional medicine and a more holistic approach - or what is called Integrative Medicine and that is the type of intervention I chose. 

The treatment that I have started is called the Cowden Protocol. I am two weeks in and will be taking the supplements/tinctures 4 times a day until I feel "better" for 2 consecutive months. Right now I pretty much tire really easy and have other side effects (that tell me it is working) and have noticed some positive effects already (like less chronic pain in some areas of my body). Depending on how I tolerate this she expects to add some IV treatments in as well. 

There are other lifestyle changes I have had to make as well, one being cutting down my workload. Despite me saying for awhile that I can't figure out a way to cut down, I have been able to do it pretty quickly once she told me I had to. I am still working more than I was 2 years ago but less than the past two years so it is a good compromise and I think I can sustain this pace. The day I am not working will mostly be taken up with medical appointments so I can't work anyway. 

The other biggest change is that I have to go gluten and dairy free. I have been told this for the past 18 months but didn't have the energy to figure out how to make this huge shift. I have been  about 90% dairy free and 50% gluten free... but now I have to be strict about it. To be completely honest almost all food makes me sick right now and I feel noticeably sick if I eat food with gluten so it hasn't been too hard to give up. 

I have 2 friends who have been telling me about their journeys to go dairy and gluten free so I called them up and asked a bunch of questions. The first person is this brilliant woman who is very science minded so can figure out how to change out recipes to make them healthy. I am not like that so am happily claiming her recipes for myself (she made me some amazing GF/DF peanut butter cups that were the first sweets I have had in two weeks. SO THANKFUL lol!)

The other friend discovered a company called Epicure that has all gluten free foods/meals and many are also dairy free. That is much more my style so I don't have figure out how to reinvent the wheel lol! I have signed up for that company and look forward to being able to expand my diet from protein shakes and rice/peas/chicken to --- more :) 

If you are interested in finding out more about Epicure let me know. I can direct you to my friend:) Also, I will be hosting a 20 minute informational FB "class" on Epicure next week if anyone is interested in easy GF/DF foods and not sure where to start or would like more options:)

The First Month of Grace Being Home - and other news

 Grace has been home a month:) For the most part it has gone well. With her having been gone for 21 months the transition back home has gone well in a lot of ways. She is working to prove herself and her efforts appear sincere. We are hesitant - mostly because Faith had told us she had made authentic change and obviously had not - but fundamentally she is very different than she was before. 

The biggest change is that she appears to be genuinely saved. She had said she was many times before, but she now bears fruit that is consistent. She has been teachable instead of rebellious. Is it perfect? No way. But no situation is:) The real test will be when she starts school in 12 days. School is extremely stressful for her. She left in Middle School and is coming back in High School so the stress will be greater. Her ADHD will always be with her so that affects her learning in significant ways.

Add to that that she is having bunion surgery in 2 days. Yes, bunion surgery. I thought that was something older people dealt with but apparently it is a genetic condition. So, she gets to start school with a surgical boot and metal pin sticking out of her foot holding in place the toe that will be broken and moved. Sounds gross doesn't it.

Prayers for her surgery, healing, and transitioning to school are very greatly appreciated. 

***

I have talked before about how the past 15 years have been a significant struggle in raising kids from trauma. It has affected my health and my friendships in negative ways. I have been seeking answers for health issues for the past 21 months since Grace left and I actually had time to put into my own health. I had first been diagnosed with Epstein-Barr. That treatment dramatically reduced the frequency of the migraines that I had been experiencing of at least 20 days a month most months of the year for 20 years. However, I was also having other symptoms that suggested that more was going on. I had an ANA Cascade (auto immune disorder test) that thankfully came back negative. But then I had a vector-borne test and discovered that I tested positive for Lyme Disease. I have been reeling a bit since I got that news. Especially since my idea of being outside - other than hikes- is to have the windows open (lol!) so how did I get it?  On the one hand it is very validating to know that there is a legitimate reason that I feel the way I do. On the other hand, well, I have Lyme Disease. So now treatment begins. There must be 100 different opinions on how to treat Lyme. I am moving forward with one of those and have been researching it a lot. I guess time will tell if the treatment makes a difference. Part of the treatment is to completely revamp my exercise routine (I started Yoga today...) and I am completely dairy and gluten free, low sugar, low sodium, etc. While that sounds daunting the reality is that for a long time all food I eat makes me feel sick so I actually feel better when I don't eat anyway. I have lost 7 lbs this month. I guess it is a good diet plan;) Silver linings are important!

But that also means that I don't have the energy or mental capacity to put into friendships. Again. There was a time a month ago that I had a terrible day and I just sat in my car and wished I had a friend - just one - that I could call and vent to. I have friends - but I have not been able to nurture those friendships over the years that I could call one on a whim and just vent. Usually my husband gets to be the one who hears all of my venting and ranting lol!!! He is such a saint to put up with me;) I ended up calling my brother who was thankfully willing to take my call and placate me. He is a good man. I am thankful for him (not just for listening to me vent:) ).

Today's sermon in church was about the importance of friendships in the body of Christ. I agree that they are very important. In my job I give out that advice all of the time. But when one is exhausted, in chronic pain, and just trying to get the next thing done it is hard to facilitate those friendships. I give 100% of my energy to my job and my family - and my family often gets left overs. I am hoping that this treatment will give me back some of that vitality that I would like to have. But they tell me I will feel worse before I feel better. As much as I love being self-employed, right now I wish I had a job that offered the option of FMLA so I could take a 3 month break and get healed. But, I can't so I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust each of those steps to God while praying that He grants me healing:)

Bittersweet Birthday:(

When Faith petitioned to come home from the residential program in December she agreed to 3 behaviors that "if you do those you will go right back." She, unfortunately, chose to engage in 2 of them - repeatedly. 

So, Monday we readmitted her back to the program. Today is her 15th birthday. We celebrated last week to be sure we sent her off knowing she was loved and important to us. She spent her 14th birthday there too and we had wanted to make this birthday special. Given the way the program works she will in all probability spend her 16th birthday there too...

That makes me so sad. It makes me sad she knows what she needs to do. She can say what she needs to do. She can do what she needs to do when she is closely monitored and watched.

But she does not want to do the things she needs to do.

I have realized that I want her success more than she wants her success. I want her here more than she wants to be here. I want her a part of us more than she wants to be a part of us. 

And I cannot want someone into making change. So, we made the hard decision, again, and here we are, again, on her birthday praying that she would submit to authority, to God, and to be willing to "look in the mirror" and see her own areas she needs to change instead of insisting that it is everyone else's fault. 

Prayers for her salvation and convicted heart change are appreciated...

I am disappointed but not crushed like last time we sent her. I am learning to accept that I cannot move pieces on the chess board so to speak to get her to have a heart change. It is between her and God. Last night we had a phone call with her and all she did the whole call was complain about how other people were not doing what they should be doing. When we challenged her role in similar choices she just refused to talk to us. She is where she needs to be. We are trusting God with her future:)

The Surprising Way Grandparenting Has Made Me Sad

 I adore my grandchildren. They are 1 and 3 and full of life and energy. They speak up when they want something, they listen when they are asked to do something (eh, as much as toddlers do - just ask my daughter about catching them in the Easter candy this week lol!) and they sleep through the night most of the time. They smile. They laugh. They joke. They run up to people they know/love and ask to be held, heard, and seen. My daughter and son-in-law are total rock stars at parenting and that is evident in how our grandchildren act and respond.

They feel safe.

SAFE.

They are also essentially the same age that Superman and Faith were when they came to us. Sometimes when I see them, especially two weeks ago when we had them for 4 days and in January when we had them for a week, I am overwelled with how HAPPY they are...and how Superman and Faith were totally different when they were that age. I get sad when I think about how they were (and often still are). And then I get angry for how they (and countless others) were/are raised. 

Our kids came to our home the month they turned 2 and 3. They had already been in the foster care system since the day that Faith was born.  That is too many "caregivers." That is a long time to learn how the dynamics of caregiver to child works. Do not dismiss that if kids can't remember it it won't matter. Not true. At all. My kids learned how to "communicate" amongst caregivers/adults - "be silent, don't engage, don't be seen."

When our kids came they didn't talk. They could. Superman had excellent enunciation and vocabulary. But they didn't. Superman would sit, just sit, in a corner or on the kid picnic table we had in the living room and just watch. We actually had to take the picnic table outside so he would do more than just sit there. Then he just sat in the corner. 

They didn't feel safe. Think about what it would be like to live your whole life in settings where you didn't feel safe to speak, move, ask for needs, or even be seen. 

Now fast forward to them as teenagers. Once learned that talking is unsafe, it is very difficult to unlearn that you can now appropriately use your words to get your needs met. In fact, it is typically learned and ingrained by 12 months. Just think about that. Children learn how safe they are to speak to others by twelve months. They aren't even verbal yet. Just using crying, laughter, smiles, mimicking, etc to communicate.

If people don't feel safe using their words they will still communicate - it will just come out with behavior. Either avoidant or aggressive or passive aggressive behavior - but their wants and needs will still be communicated.  

So what does this look like 12 years after they have been removed from the dysfunction and been taught it is safe to speak? In a nutshell - slightly better with really intentional prompting and encouragement, but it is still not at healthy levels. They know how to "read" people extremely well. One knows how to use laughter and jokes to lighten any level of tension that is "read" but rarely can give an actual solid opinion about individual wants. The other knows how to operate behind the scenes (passive-aggressive) to get wants met while maintaining a different image on the surface and even more rarely will use actual words to get a need met.

What we do as parents is watched by our kids. They are trying to figure out if they can trust us. Trust is made up of two parts 1) do the kids feel SAFE (that they are physically safe, won't be embarrassed, belittled, disbelieved, dismissed, or humiliated if they speak. AND not that you tell them they are safe but they actually  feel safe) and 2) do the kids feel HEARD (not that you have to agree with them all of the time, but they have your attention non-verbally and that you respond verbally that you clearly have heard what exactly they are needing/wanting. How many times have you talked to someone and they think they are hearing what you are saying but you feel they have not? How do you feel about that?

Across this world we live in this is happening every day to the vast majority of children. Those children are/have grown into adults. Is it any wonder why marriages are falling apart and people groups are hating each other? Now I am getting beyond the scope of my thoughts today. 

Caregivers should hear  their children. They should not:

be verbally or physically abusive to them or in front of them

they should not, through words or actions, communicate to them that they cannot speak up

they should not strap young children into highchairs/carseats/lock in rooms to make their own lives easier and then be relieved when the child eventually stops protesting/crying in those settings. All they did was teach the child that they cannot speak their needs. The child did not actually learn "oh, the caregiver knows what is best for me and I will happily go along with whatever they think is best." 

they should not have children sleep in bug infested blankets on the ground and not have a bed.

they should not starve children.

they should not drag their children into their own chaotic and dysfunctional situations.

they should not use drugs around their children. They should not use drugs at all.

In my work I see the teenage and adult effects of these issues daily. Parents - there are fewer concepts that you could teach your children that are more important than the importance of appropriately using your words to get your needs met. Not verbal abuse. Not physical abuse. Not passive-aggressive posturing. Not shooting people. Not intimating people. But using. your. words.

If you don't feel safe talking to someone, ask yourself, "why?"

If someone doesn't feel safe talking to you... please as yourself the same question. 

Today I get to watch my grandkids again. I will delight in their laughter and loud joy. I will delight in their getting in my face when I am talking to someone else (I will gently remind them to not interrupt but will get right back to them), I will delight in them asking me to make cookies and watch tractors and listen to Baby Shark. Because I will know they are not afraid. They feel safe to express any wants they have. But a part of my heart will break knowing three of my kids never had this when they were young and they are living long-term impact of that on a daily basis. Then I will once again pray. Reminding myself that Jesus knows all, He is not surprised by anything in their lives, and that He has a perfect plan for them even with all of their (and my) baggage. I will ask Him once again to heal their hearts and minds so they know they are safe - if not in the world, then with Him.

**for the record -my kids have read this post and know I have written this about them. They said that they agree with what is written and they feel safe in our home now:)

Living to Work? or Working to Live?

 My dad used to tell me about a car mechanic he knew that worked on everyone else's cars yet his was broken down. He shared that people tend to not perform the best in their own lives in the areas that they give others advice. 

Well, I am proof of that. I teach people about self-care and boundaries and work/life balance and I am terrible at it. There are a lot of reasons, as I sit an analyze it, why I insist on working so much and don't take intentional time for my family and myself. All of those reasons are logical reasons. But, they not good enough.

At Christmas I took off a week from work - and honestly, the only reason I took it off completely was because Grace was coming home for that week. It was the first week I had taken off in 2020. Then the next week I worked two days and took 5 days off. It was so rejuvenating that I decided that I would make myself take time off once a quarter. I now have lots of ideas of places we can go this year as a family for fun. I will try to keep my resolution to this this year:) We just got a letter that Grace will be home on family leave for over a week the end of May. I am hoping for a fun trip with her and the family that week:)

But, the first quarter? I decided to throw caution to the wind and take a 10 day vacation to the beach. Where it is hot. To just sit and relax and walk in the waves. And enjoy my family.

I refuse to feel guilty about it. I have learned that a big reason I don't take vacations is because of guilt. Actually, I have learned that I feel guilty about a lot of things that are illogical. So, regardless of Covid. Regardless that not all of the family is going with us. Regardless of the cost. Regardless that I have to take time off of work - I am heading out to fun in the sun. I was talking with someone recently about the work/life imbalance and we discussed the phrase "live to work? or work to live?" I realize that I live to work. My family suffers for it. My health suffers for it. My friendships suffer for it. So, I am going to attempt to balance that out a little and try my hand at working to live;) 

Christmas Vacation: visit and transition with the girls

I started this blog post half way through our 10 days with Grace and 10 days after Faith had come home for good. At that time I felt like "rocky and tense" - were probably the best words to sum up how it was going. I didn't post then because I didn't want it to be about complaining:)

However, in writing this post, I processed/learned some things about myself and my kids, and things got better. This is why I journal and blog - to grow and offer it in case someone else needs to hear it too:)

So, here is the longer answer of how I thought about the situation, was able to regain perspective, and got through the rest of the visit. 

First of all, Faith is doing great. We have had a couple of hiccups which really are just us getting to know each other again. She actually TALKS to us through said hiccups so we can get to a resolution. Who would have thought? lol! There are times that I have had a knee jerk reaction to her as if it is like 10+ months ago. Then I remind myself of how she has proven she is not who she was, and I challenge my thinking and therefore my response to her. I am working really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt and she has done nothing to make us doubt her. She is joyful, talkative, engaging, helpful, speaks up if she doesn't understand, is sharing her feelings, and in general is a pleasure to be around:) The most delightful change? She INITIATES a hug and prayer every night! That and when the boys talk back to us she sternly says, "just say 'yes Mom!'" lol!

The other day I walked into the living room and found her reading my bound books of previous blog posts from when the kids first came. She talked about how it was interesting to see it from my perspective - mostly about how I think about things differently than she does. I told her it was a dangerous thing to get caught up in my mind lol! 

As for how Grace did...that is harder to articulate. At the beginning of the week she was mostly quiet. Then she got comfortable and... emotionally dysregulated. I worked through 2 significant ideas as I analyzed what was going on with both her and I during that time. 

First: When I work with adults about stress management/emotional regulation I use a "coffee pot" analogy. When I work with kids I call it a lemonade pitcher or milk jug:)

Say a milk jug can hold 10 cups of milk. When it pours out into glasses it empties. Eventually it is empty and has to be refilled. 

Think of yourself as the milk jug. Think of the milk as "mental and physical capacity" and you are pouring it out all day long into kids, work, household, husband, hobbies, friends, projects, or whatever. On top of that you may have pain, depression, anxiety, etc that keeps you from filling all the way up (like there is a hole in the jug at cup 6, 8, etc) so you have to fill more frequently/be more intentional. We need to have self-awareness to know what fills us up and what empties us AND keep monitoring it throughout the day so we don't get to 0. The obvious things that fill us up are sleep, healthy food, hydration, exercise, connection, hobbies, etc. Each person is unique with what else fills them up, and what empties them. For example, being around people empties me quickly. For others, being around people is what fills them up. For me reading fills me up, for my husband it puts him to sleep with boredom lol! 

I realized half way through the week with Grace that she has no capacity to "hold" any sizeable amount of milk. She is a milk jug with a hole in the bottom. The moment that the milk is being poured into her she revels in it. As soon as the pouring stops she is empty again. I knew this before.

But, the new part I finally realized was that in addition to this she takes no responsibility for filling herself up (I am not sure she knows how to fill herself). She fully expects people around her to fill her up. And, given that I fell back into old perspectives/expectations when she came home, I held myself to the expectation that I was to fill her and keep her filled. Guess how well that went?

A significant part of parenting is self-awareness in how we respond to our children and why we respond the way that we do.

Short bunny trail that I promise (well, I think so anyway) will make sense in a minute- Beautiful is a big fan of the Enneagram personality quiz. She got me to take the quiz which I have done a few times. Usually I score a 1. Beautiful tells me that I am a typical 1. Go figure lol!

As Beautiful describes it, 1's tend to strive to be 7's on good days and when overwhelmed revert to 4's. So, in as layman's terms as I can understand. I want everything orderly and perfect and structured (anyone who knows me think that is wrong? lol!). When I try to get outside of my comfort zone and do special things I attempt to be "adventurous and spontaneous and fun." But then I get overwhelmed and get a bit...moody? emotional? dysregulated? Which is exactly the opposite of "orderly, perfect, and structured lol! 

I was considering this idea during the visit as I felt myself becoming dysregulated. When I get dysregulated I retreat into myself (well, into a book. A purely fiction, never would happen in reality, always a happy ending, book). But, I couldn't do that because - transition and visit... 

During quarantine I had found a bit of a balance of my "capacity." Really, I was working way too much and all of my energy was going to work - the boys at home didn't really care because they are busy with their own things (and can fill themselves up without any help from me at all thank you very much). But, enter my daughters this week? Totally upended my "balance." I was pouring out way more than I had coming in for 2 reasons: 

The first one was my fault:  because to fill back up I need quiet and alone time and it makes me feel guilty to not be "entertaining" the girls (particularly Grace). I held the ridiculous expectation that I was to be an adventurous "7" and make our Christmas visit the most delightful days of our whole lives (well, not quite that unicorn and rainbowy but you get the unrealistic picture)...

And secondly, Grace can't fill herself up or hold any milk.

For example, one night after I had engaged in fun and filling activities with her all day, Grace dysregulated and said that I didn't love her, didn't want her around, how can anyone love her when she has messed up as much as she has, she doesn't deserve another chance, and she doesn't belong. That made me feel like I was pouring myself out for what purpose? All that is poured into her is for the moment and she can't hold any of it over for the next 30 minutes. It.is.so.exhausting. In the past she would self-sabotage at that time. So I tried, for the manyith time, to explain about her not holding any milk. She finally seemed to hear some of this. But this time I added that she needs to learn how to fill herself up. Then I put her in charge of that for the rest of the visit. That took off the unrealistic pressure that I had to entertain her the entire time. So when she would dysregulate, I would suggest to her that she was empty and ask her to think of things to fill herself up. We had several fun projects going throughout the week like putting a puzzle together, etc for her to chose from. That allowed her to take some ownership in her own happiness. 

Christmas Day we had 14 people in the house so I was pouring out into many people and she got less individual attention and then she dysregulated. Of course that resulted in us needing to stop everything for an hour and work her though it, but she did not spiral into the old behaviors. So, this visit gave us hope that she has made progress, but was also a reminder that she continues to be exactly where she needs to be. It also helped me learn some new facets of myself. Win/win:)

Our First 24 Hours With Faith Home:)

 The past 24 hours has been a bit surreal. We got a call on Thursday that they were sending a bunch of kids home for passes a week early due to several more positive covid tests. Rather than risk getting the kids exposed and having to cancel the first home passes in 10 months they opted to let parents come and get their children. Since Faith was discharging in a week, she just discharged a week early. And, yes - if you are reading between the lines, Grace is not home because she is one of the exposed kids. Praise God she has had 2 negative tests though so once their house quarantine is over we can bring her home for her visit (in theory). 

We are so thankful for this week to transition home with Faith before Grace comes. We were concerned with how we were going to handle both of them coming at once and not being able to give both of them intentional time. They still get along, umm, very poorly. 

We have had a lot of peace about Faith coming home. It is earlier than they wanted her to come home, but we believed and advocated for her to come home now. 

Our first 24 hours has been- surreal. It is kind of like bringing home a child for the first time. You wonder what it will be like but when it happens it is so different.  She is not the child she was 10 months ago. She has clearly gained much maturity, humility, confidence, self-awareness, other-awareness, genuineness, and...joy:) I have broken down crying several times just looking at her and being so happy she is actually here, or listening to her talk (she actually TALKS to us now!), or when SHE initiated a touch when she walked past me, and ESPECIALLY when she allowed me to hug her while I prayed for her last night. 

It is truly a blessing to be able to hold your child while you are praying for her rather than praying from afar:) And to have her accept that hug:)

And the laughter and giggling? I tear up every time I hear it. Joy. She has joy. I don't know if I have ever, in the 12 years she has been with us, felt her be this happy and content. 

Of course we have some transition awkwardness. Superman and JJ are not quite sure what to expect from her so are acting off. She has picked up on that and it makes her feel sad that they are uncomfortable with her. But, she is actually talking to us about her feelings. That is a first:) She is still getting used to being home vs in her structured environment - asking permission to go to her room for a sweatshirt or use the restroom. One time when she did it today while playing video games with Superman he looked at her weird then lightened the mood by saying, "no, you have to hold it in for the rest of your life!" Superman handles awkwardness with humor:) She thanked my husband and I for giving her the benefit of the doubt and not making her feel like she is coming home under a microscope. I thought that was a very insightful comment:)

Because we did not expect her to be home this week I did not take off of work (like I did next week). So, I am working 12-14 hour days 3 days this week and the other day I work all day until Superman's basketball game so I won't see her much:( She will hang out with my husband and help with the kitchen remodel lol! And get her room in order. Then Grace comes home on Friday.... Prayers for those days she is home are greatly appreciated. Grace made a bunch of bad decisions last week again. Every time I see the caller ID from her house on a day she is not set to call us I feel so sad... She gets so mad at herself for messing up but just doesn't stop. We keep trying to treat each of those calls with grace and forgiveness and unconditional love - but I am so sad for when she looks back on her life later after she gets it figured out and feels the shame and guilt of her choices. So many of the people I work with are so heavily laden with regret of their life choices... Grace has enough to overcome, she doesn't need that too. But, we can't make her choices for her. She is exactly where she needs to be to get the help she needs. We will keep praying:)