The past 6 weeks since the last time I posted has been a mostly unpleasant journey. My pain levels have increased and there were days that, as I sat still and not moving because of the pain, I wondered if I did not have family if I would even be able to live by myself. I thought through what I could have hired out to do and if I could manage then. Then I reminded myself that was an exercise in futility as I do have family and they do help me. So thankful for my husband and boys!
About a month ago I had x-rays to try to find out more causes of the pain and discovered that my L5 has fused to my sacrum (arthritis). That area is fused crooked and is then causing problems with the nerve between the L5 and L4. That was a reality I don't want to deal with.
So between the structural deformities causing me pain and the Lyme Disease causing me pain it has been...unpleasant. As you can imagine, it has led me to some feelings of despair and hopelessness that I will ever feel better. Our third grandchild has been born in this time as well - a cause for huge celebration! She is so precious and adorable. Unfortunately, my thoughts go to what I "can't" do with the grandkids because of my pain levels. Thankfully right now she is content to just sleep on me. I feel like a failure that I cannot help out my daughter like I would like to during this transition to 3 children. I feel hopeless for our other 5 children who will have future grandchildren and I don't know if I will be able to be the grandma to them that I want to be.
But, again, I remind myself that I cannot keep thinking that how I physically and emotionally feel today is how I will feel in the future. At the beginning of treatment I felt hopeful that I would feel better someday. 4 months in feeling worse? It has been hard to adjust mentally. I tell myself often that I can still work so I am not completely unable to contribute to the running of the household - but the reality is that at home my husband has taken on 99% of all parenting/household duties and he is getting burned out too.
Then, last week, one of our kids did something that was such an utter betrayal to us that we are still... in shock. We are so incredibly thankful to the people who rallied around us for that/this time but we are really completely and totally unsure what to do next.
We know God is faithful and we keep moving forward seeking His guidance with each step. This life is so hard. I know it could be worse, but, really, it is so hard. We are trying to focus on the positives that we are blessed with but last week reminded us that when you think you are standing on solid ground the rug can be pulled out from under your feel and leave you looking around in shock.
I sing hymns to myself like "I Know My Redeemer Lives" and "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" and "It Is Well With My Soul" and "Amazing Grace" and many others reminding myself of God's faithfulness, steadfastness, and goodness when it is getting hard. What would we do without Jesus? The verse I hang on it is "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
Persevere, Persevere, Persevere.
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