Warning, this post is going to be raw. I have tried to keep my comments, most of the time, as upbeat as possible in the past. But today isn't going to be like that. Additional warning - my thoughts are still all over the place as I am very wounded and working on healing. I don't have any answers, direction, or really a lot positive to say. So, if you choose to read on please keep that in mind.
Grace left for residential treatment in 10/2019 after over a decade of damaging and hurtful behavior. She was out of control. People who haven't lived with someone like her just won't understand the insanity. I will share below what we recently discovered for a diagnosis. She went to residential treatment for 17 weeks prior to transferring to a residential in home program where she stayed until July 2021. When she first came home we had a 1 month honeymoon period before things got terrible really quick.
Faith had left for the same residential program in March 2020 and came home in December 2020. That was really hard because, due to Covid procedures, we hadn't gotten to see her so did not get to see what her progress looked like. Her behaviors there were not terrible (unlike the reports we got on Grace). So we brought her home. We had about 2 good weeks with her then her choices went back to where they were before, and worse. We got through the semester of school but then got her back to the in home program as soon as we could (mid June 2021). She has stated that she does not have any desire to return to live with us. She plans to graduate from that program. When she first left the first month was very difficult. She would call and her first words would be "you need to buy me xyz." or so and so "told me to tell you that you need to by me xyz." Then we would follow up and find out that was a lie. She had nothing to say to us except essentially "you are my bank, buy me what I want." After a month we, in agreement with the staff, decided that phone calls would be stopped and only letters would be used for communication. She had shortened Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks with us because, quite frankly, she doesn't want to be here and it is extremely uncomfortable.
So Faith was gone for 2 weeks when Grace came back home. I stated above how poorly that went. Grace went back to the residential program in January 2022 and she, too, will not return. Her situation is a bit harder to deal with. While Faith has made it clear she just doesn't want to be here, Grace is - chaos and drama incarnate.
Here is where the not fun stuff starts. In November Grace decided that she would search online for a random person to adopt her. He asked for money. She asked people how to get it to him. He asked for her address. She gave him one (not ours) but in our small town. When the school found out what happened (she, THANK THE LORD, asked a teacher about the money situation who told the principal and it all got stopped) they asked why she wanted to be adopted to someone else and she complained about not getting to eat food she wanted, not getting along with me, etc. So, because she was going to those lengths to get adopted elsewhere we got turned into HHS. Obviously the claims were unsubstantiated so nothing happened but we were so utterly and devastatingly wounded by her behavior. THEN she (she actually told someone that if she made enough complaints about us that HHS would have to come and get her, so she would just make complains so she could get into the foster system and be adopted elsewhere) started making comments to all kinds of people that she was being "abused" at home. When we would challenge her about that and tell her to quit lying to people she just said "but I AM being abused!" I kept telling her that being on a diet from foods that make her sick and not getting her way is not abuse. During one of the many conversations I had with her, after my husband walked into a store and people turned and walked away from him, I finally got fed up and point blank said to her "do you understand that when you say you are being abused at home that people think that means someone is having sex with you!" She looked completely shocked, turned white, gave a token "sorry" eventually - but still had no idea of the hurt and pain she was causing us, and the damage to our relationships by insisting on continuing to say those things.
Additionally, she told people that her 16 year old brother had pushed her into a wall. First of all, that is not abuse. Secondly? She never added that she hit him in the stomach and he had just grabbed her hands so she couldn't do it again. She has a long history of starting stories in the middle - conveniently AFTER her part in the situation. There is no way that we can put our sons at risk of her falsely accusing them of "abuse." So, we had to stop all activities and my husband or I had to stay home with her constantly to ensure she didn't have the opportunity to make a false accusation until we could get her out of the house to protect them (and her from her choosing twice - TWICE - to contact random stranger males and set up times to meet them). I cannot imagine how hard that was for my husband knowing what she was saying about him too. He was so hurt. So devastated and broken by her words. All to "go back into foster care and be adopted by another family because thousands of people would want to adopt me!" Ugh. It was, and is, beyond comprehension.
We took the time between Thanksgiving (when we put the application back in to the residential program) and Christmas to try to change her medications, have her counselor try to get her to understand what she was doing, neurological biofeedback interventions, IV treatments - ANYTHING to try to help her body and brain to not be so messed up so she would think more clearly and make better choices. We spent over $5000 out of pocket that month grasping at any straws that we could just to try to get her help, heal her mind and body, anything to help her get better.
When we took her in for a psychiatric appointment for medication adjustments the practitioner told us that she had no idea what was going on (welcome to the club) and to get an in depth psych eval done. So, we did. We found the most fabulous pediatric neuropsychologist who did a thorough and excellent neuropsych evaluation. Those results were validating, but defeating. Her ADHD was corroborated (no surprise). But we finally got an official diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Effect. Let me tell you - after what we have lived through for the past 15 years I am tempted to walk up to every pregnant woman that I see using alcohol or drugs and force them to live with Grace for 7 solid days. Then they will know why they should not do that!!! But, I am getting off focus.
Anyway, she was also given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder features. Personality Disorders can not be diagnosed until a person is an adult - but the symptoms do not just pop up in adulthood. They are present in minors - and boy oh boy is it present in Grace. I did not want to believe that was the problem. I wanted to believe it was the ADHD. The Fetal Alcohol Effect that we could somehow do some healing with. Maybe even Bipolar that could be medicated. Something else. Not Borderline PD. But, here we are. One daughter with Borderline PD and the other with Narcissistic PD.
How do we deal with that? I don't even know. Having them out of the house makes our home much less toxic. Faith, since she doesn't care about us, doesn't contact us other than 5 sentence letters that are required as part of her program (to foster family connection). But, Grace? Since going back to the program she is calling, crying, tattling on Faith, wanting us to talk to people to get them to (essentially not require her to do things she needs to do), wanting sympathy. Acting like she didn't lie to people about being abused at home all so she could be adopted elsewhere? Seriously? Acting like she didn't lie to people we see every day making them think terrible things about us. Acting like with a "sorry" that the world is righted again.
But it isn't! For those of you who have loved people with Borderline (or Narcissism) you will get it. The rest of you? Do a few google searches. We were initially told she wouldn't be able to call for the first month while getting settled. She is calling several times a week! Crying about this or that like we can change anything or that she didn't cause the problem herself, and now she wants us to "fix" it. Until the next time we tell her "no" and she starts to lie about us again. I just can't even. I took one of the phone calls - told her that she made her choices and needs to deal with the consequences - and now she will only call my husband because he will let her ramble and complain. How he has the patience to do that when he knows what she has told people to think about him is beyond me. He is a better person than I am.
I am mad. I am hurt. I am frustrated. I am devastated. I am without direction. I feel misunderstood. I don't even understand myself. This is a horrible situation and not anything like what I expected when we adopted. I am sure there are some great life lessons that I am supposed to be learning. I hope I will eventually learn them. Right now we have had her gone for 17 days. We are still trying to right the ship from all of the chaos and destruction she left behind. Still trying to reconcile that our daughters will NEVER live with us again. That we need to move forward - as a family of 6? How do I even define what the girls are at this point? They are our daughters, but yet not part of the family? I don't even know how to make sense of it.
I warned you. This was raw and vulnerable. I have no answers. But I know I am not alone. There are unfortunately thousands of us parents who are dealing with kiddos like this. We feel alone. A lot of people judge us and don't understand because Borderlines and Narcissists can look SOOOOO appealing to the masses. But, those of us who live with them? We know. If you are one of these parents - I am so sorry. Find people who will hear you and support you. For those who are not one of these parents? If you come across one of us? Hear us out. Listen. Please don't judge. Acknowledge that there are things that are not what they seem. Give us as safe space to heal.
Even with all of this uncertainty, pain, sadness, and grief I know where my hope is. I know who is never surprised by anything. I know who foresaw this and will carry us through and help us grow. I know who has the power and the choice to change or not change things. I know who will guide us forward. I will choose to trust. I will choose to obey. I will choose Him.
So, how are we moving forward? By focusing on the 4 children in our lives who have been sidelined and marginalized as we have dealt with the utter insanity of the past 13 years. Before we were confined to the house just to contain behaviors. Now we are going to all of the kids' activities and I have only been home 1 day without any activities in the past 17 days. We are trying to make up for lost time with them and show them how important they are. It is new for them. They don't even know how to ask for what they need because they have just tiptoed around for years trying to not cause waves. Buddy has retreated to his room and his college classes/reading to escape the chaos of the house. Superman has become involved in sports and hanging out with friends to escape. JJ has learned to retreat within the home too and become his own island. However, we are determined as a family to heal. We will move forward. Covid was a very healing time for my husband and I and the boys. We had 10 months then to heal - we just thought we would be reintroducing the girls back at some point. Now we have had to make the mind shift that that won't happen but we can get back to life - and feeling safe from verbal and physical attacks. Wow, that takes some getting used to. Feeling safe in ones own home. It is a good feeling:) All will be well. Eventually. Soon:)
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