Adoption: When Do You Give Up?

 Adoption. A word that used to bring so much excitement to me. So much joy and happiness. The hope that comes from knowing you are loving someone as your own and looking forward to a life together. Knowing that there will be ups and downs but in the end "good" will prevail.

I suppose people feel the same way on their wedding day. But, like the current statistics of a 50% divorce rate, our 4 adoptions have had 2 that have brought ups and downs but mostly joy- and 2 that have been a nightmare.

To sacrificially pour yourself in a child, to pour as many resources and researching and everything you have into a child and have them not want it back? Just like in marriage when one partner doesn't want the union to work, the same can happen with a child. 

It takes more than love: What happens when adoption fails - an article from "Today." 

"Disruption rarely occurs with infants," says Freeman, the Seattle-area adoption counselor. "But if you're talking about older children, it can be anywhere from 5 to 20 percent. It's significantly higher because of the complexities of parenting a child who already has life experiences and certain behaviors. When we're rejected and traumatized early in our development, it changes the way we function and respond to people."

Older children – especially ones who have been neglected, rejected and abused -- distance themselves from others and become "a bit hard-shelled," says Freeman.

"It's like marrying someone who's been married three or four times," she says. "Do you think they're going to go into the next marriage without any suspicions or ghosts from the past?"

We are in this situation right now. I have more friends who have adopted and disrupted than I do who have had adoptions that did not have this struggle. We have a child right now who has decided that staying with our family is something not wanted, and decided that the best way to rectify that is to tell tall tales about our family in an effort to "get readopted." Numerous varied stories are being told to different people with the idea that it will result in another placement. No care at all as to the truth of the situation. No care at all as to the harm and hurt that is causing our family. Apparently different people are being told different things but when we ask what is so terrible and horrible worth leaving our family we are told "mind your own business" and "you won't tell the principal that I should be pulled from algebra and biology." What?!?!?  WHAT?!?!?!? Again, we are now hearing that different things are being told to different people but this past 10 days since it first came to our attention has been- heartbreaking.

I think about divorced parents and kiddos who don't like the rules at one home so manipulate a situation to stay with the parent with fewer rules/expectations. This is just like that. Don't like the rules? Make up a story so you can roll the dice and find another family that will (in fantasy land) let you do whatever you want!

It is heartbreaking to us that people have heard this and not come to us. Why do people talk amongst themselves and not go to the source? That hurts too.

It is heartbreaking. It is such a betrayal to our hearts. This is not, ever, how we thought an adoption would end up. When I see people adopting now I want to run up to them and say "DON'T! IT WILL HURT TOO MUCH!!" 

I remember when we were getting ready to say yes to this child's placement and I got cold feet. I went to our pastor and said, "What if we adopt this child and they turn out to be the anti-christ? Should we really do this?" (Yes, I was being a bit dramatic). The wise words I was told reminded me that if God is sovereign (and He is) and if he decides that we are to adopt the anti-christ - then what are we going to do about it? How are we going to stop it? We can't. So, we went ahead with the placement. Here we are today, dealing with a heartbreaking situation, and I am fighting to remind myself that God is sovereign. That we did adopt the exact children God determined for us to adopt. And that just because God puts a situation in your life it does not ever mean that it will feel good or have a happy outcome.

So as we sit here wondering how in the world our situation came to this, and feeling the terrible pain of someone we love treating us like an enemy, we covet prayer and wisdom. At this point I can only cry out to Him "please!" I don't even know what I am praying for as an outcome. Just "PLEASE!" 

I am reminded of...

Romans 8:26  For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

But when I told a friend this she wisely reminded me that verses 27 -28 follow verse 26 - 

27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

 28And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

So as we pray and groan we are reaching out to "knock" on several doors and waiting to see what God opens. We have decided that if this child is willing to go to these lengths to leave, then we will facilitate that request. Waiting on God to show us the "how." Praying He chooses to answer that request very soon.