Friday we moved Grace to the group home. It was much harder than I anticipated. And it kicked off a weekend that has been very hard. The battle between my feelings of guilt as a mom and our resolve to do right by our family and Grace has been brutal. Woven in there has been a migraine that started Friday morning and has been my worst one by far. I have not liked this weekend...
We picked up Grace at 10:15, signed her discharge paperwork, then drove her about a mile to her new home. We had big team meeting, did all of the admission paperwork (well, in addition to the 30+ documents I completed for the admission on Monday and Tuesday), then left her there.
With yet another set of strangers. Last time we dropped her off it was a last desperate effort and we were at our wits end. We dropped her off thinking "30 - 90 days." This time we dropped her off thinking "18 months." Eighteen Months. One year and 6 months.
It sucked.
She didn't want us to leave her there. I clung to her and did not want to leave her there. I cried and could not stay positive for her. But I knew she is exactly where she needs to be to grow. Thankfully my husband was a rock and stood firm or I may have bundled her into the van and drove home...only to regret it by the time we got back home.
I never ever thought this would be our life when we started the adoption process. The parenting process in general. I never thought it would be this hard. I hate that we have to do this.
Then I remind myself that it could be so much worse. She could be forceably removed from our home on probation or something due to the severity of her choices and we could have no control or choices for her care. We could be in a time or country where all children are removed from their parents and educated according to "the powers that be's" rules. She could be refusing to comply with any of the efforts to help her - yet she is doing really well with compliance. I could be handing her off to a surgeon to try to fix some life threatening disease. I know it could be worse. But it still sucks. I am so tired of this battle.
My migraine was in full effect by then. The irony is not lost on me that my two migraines in the past 2 weeks have both been when we have had to deal with the stress of decisions related to Grace.
By evening my head hurt so bad I fully understood why people become addicted to pain medication and/or alcohol/drugs. I know someone who committed suicide last week because of chronic pain. At the time I thought "how could they do that?" Friday night I had much more compassion. Not that I agree with or considered suicide, but I could understand much better the need to just have the pain stop. When my back pain is the worse 95% of the time I am able to at least find a pain free position and not move in order to get relief. But a migraine is not like that.
My husband thankfully put JJ to sleep for me Friday night and I enjoyed a few hours of sleep. But then I woke with terrible pain again and just could not get on top of it. Usually I can sleep them away, but not this one. I just kept running our last 20 minutes with Grace over and over and over again and the guilt just ate me up. I finally did an EMDR pain protocol on myself and sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" over and over and over and eventually fell asleep. When I woke in the morning I was so scared to get out of bed for fear the pain would come back, but I did and kept myself pretty active hoping the day may be pain free. But it came back. A huge blessing was that when I called Grace to check in with her she had had a great night with her new house mates (they had gone to a basketball game and out to Taco Bell - she had never eaten there and was VERY excited about it). She was making friends, likes her roommate, and REALLY likes the significant freedom she has there compared to the hospital. That did my momma heart good:)
Saturday night sleep was ok. Today it is lingering right there. I was pretty emotional during church. But then the song during the offertory was the one I have been singing all weekend to keep myself focused. God reminded me that He is present. He is in this. He the victor of all battles. He has Grace in His hands and has a plan. I can trust Him that whatever needs to happen for Grace will happen so that long term she has the skills to be the person that He needs her to be. A person that can be a healthy member of our family and the world.
So, I went to church this morning feeling broken. But I was reminded that I may be in a battle in my mind. I may be in a spiritual battle for my child's heart. I may be feeling raw. And I may be bent. But I am NOT broken. I will bend to God's will, I will seek to learn and grow, and I will persevere.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial...
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