I am not enough, but He is.

Here we go again. Tomorrow we take Faith to the residential program.

I am so sad. This is not what I thought parenting would be. This is not what I thought adoption would be. This is not what I thought our life would be. I refuse to wail and rail about "why." But I sure have a heavy heart about it. I am resigned. Resigned that I am not enough. Resigned that I have to hand my second child over to strangers in a desperate attempt to get her to see she needs to make better choices. Resigned to the fact that our family is disrupted again. Questioning if our family can come back from this. Wallowing in the fact that I. don't. want. to. deal. with. this. As I held her tonight and cried with her I wished that she would just stop doing what she has been doing! I thought about how many people in this world look at their loved ones while they are self-destructing and beg and plead and pray that they will stop. Some stop. Some don't. I have to trust that God is in charge of the outcome - good or bad.

As I have tried to figure out how to move forward in this grief and the heavy doubt of my own ability to have any positive effect on this child, God seems to simply soothe me with "you are not enough, but I am." There is freedom and comfort in that truth.

So that is where I try to focus my heart and mind. On the great I Am. When all I really want to do is bury my head in the sand and ignore how much this - I don't even have the right word to describe it...