I stopped doing the updates when Grace got moved from the hospital to the residential program. She is doing adequately behaviorally. She has had struggles and the staff where she is at are very skilled in dealing with her issues. We have continued visits. Those visits make it very clear that she still has a long road ahead of her.
While the stress level is lower with her getting the help she needs we have had other stressors. I am finally taking the time for me to figure out why I am have certain symptoms. We found a wonderful woman with a doctorate as a Nurse Practitioner who works holistically. She has been wonderful and has, through a lot of blood work, given me some answers. Thankfully, she has also given me some solutions and while I have had to make a lot of changes I physically feel better than I have in a very long time. I am finally sleeping, losing weight, not having migraines, can concentrate and focus better than in a long time, etc. I feel like I was a frog in a pot of boiling water and had no idea how bad I was until I started feeling better. I am so thankful I took the very scary step of going to her office and hope that I continue to get better. I will post about that journey another time. But it has been a time consuming stressor during this season as well as I deal with some of the realities of the issues I have going on.
But, the biggest stressor right now is that Faith is also leaving for the same residential program as Grace. I have a million swirling thoughts related to this situation. I know that it is what needs to happen, I cannot even begin to describe the issues. But what makes it so heartbreaking for me is that Grace needed to go because she has mental health issues that contribute to her problems. With Faith it is "just" choice (as if experiencing repeated early trauma and its lifelong consequences is "just" anything). It both breaks my heart and makes me feel resigned to this inevitability. When we went through this with Grace I wanted to be sure to be intentional about my healing. Now that we are having to do this again all I want to do is put my head in the sand and avoid. I am not an avoider of conflict. I would like to think I am assertive with dealing with issues, if not down right aggressive. But I am just done. I am so glad that I am physically better or I am not sure how I would be handling this.
Quite frankly I didn't even want to post about it - as if I could just ignore that yet another one of our children is leaving for 18+ months. But, I have talked to so many mommas lately who are telling me how utterly alone they feel dealing with their unique struggles. Whether it is parenting special needs kids, adopted kids, or just raising kids. So, for those of you who are struggling I offer no answers at all. But I do offer you this...you are NOT alone. Even if you reach out to people and try to connect and get them to understand but they just don't get it, do not give up. God knows what you are going through, and other mommas do too. They are probably just as tired as you and don't have the energy to reach out. Don't give up. Keep seeking. Keep moving forward. Keep trusting. He has you.
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