We could never have predicted that 1 week after we dropped Faith off at the group home that we would not be able to go back to visit. It has been 6 weeks since we dropped her off and last saw her or Grace. They seem to be doing ok. They are in separate homes and social distancing like everyone else. They do call each other and chat. Their programming is affected, just like with everyone else. The staff there all deserve 10 times their salaries dealing with the ramifications of this pandemic while working with so many traumatized youth.
Faith has been seeing things that seem to be making her re-think her choices. Normally she wanted little to do with us other than to push away. But, she is allowed a phone call once a week to us (we can call in anytime) and the past couple of weeks has asked us to call her midweek so that she doesn't have to go a whole week between talking with us. She still isn't real talkative when we are on the calls but it is touching that she wants us to call. Wednesday she actually said that she is seeing a lot of hard situations and realizes how good she had it at home with us. That leaves us hopeful for the heart change that we daily pray for her:)
Grace's choices were getting poorer and poorer. She was supposed to come home for 2 days the end of March. We ended up telling her that based on her behavior there and on the phone calls with us that even if the quarantine did not result in her not being able to come home for a visit, we would not have let her come home as we did not think we could handle her. She gave some push back about that but has had better reports since then. They are struggling with the same issues with her there as she had here. It is validating that it is not just with us that she acts this way. But at the same time it burdens my heart that she isn't making better choices. She has been gone almost 7 months.
There are days I am still overwhelmed with sadness that we had to make this decision. Then I work hard to remind myself that we had to do what would be the best to help them even though it is such a hard decision. Then I think about what life would have been like during this self-quarantine if they had been home... It would have been very bad. Then I think of all of the families who are struggling because members of the family are toxic and no one can get away for any respite right now. I am praying for those families!!!
So, right now I am rejoicing in my quiet male dominated home:) It has been a bit of an adjustment to being the only female but I am reveling in the lack of drama. Thank you Jesus!!
Friday, April 17, 2020
Thursday, April 9, 2020
I Feel Like a Frog in a Pot of Boiling Water
I feel like the frog that was put in a pot of water, the heat turned up making it hotter and hotter, and not knowing that I am slowing boiling to death. I am a person who, when I experience various somatic symptoms, will tell myself to just move forward. Even with my kiddos I will tell them they don't need a band aid unless the blood is actually running down their leg lol!
I have gone back and forth about what to share here because health is a personal issue (not like the other things I write about are not). But I have had quite a few people ask questions about what we have been doing differently so decided I wanted to be transparent in case others have the same issues. I wish I had known sooner to seek some answers - and where to go to get help.
When Grace left for a higher level of care 6 months ago I committed myself to be more intentional about healing mentally and physically. I knew that I was not feeling right. I went in for some basic blood work that all came back normal. I knew, though, that I was not feeling right and did not think it was "just" from the stress of dealing with...what we have dealt with the the past decade+.
Additionally, I was attending EMDR conferences that year after year kept talking about the negative impacts of stress and trauma on our physical health.
Here is a youtube video of how stress affects our body. less than 10 minutes but very informative!
Issues like cancer and auto-immune disorders when suppressing anger and other emotions (oh boy - there is a lot of repressing emotions when parenting kiddos with mental health issues!!!) I knew I was entering the fun time of life when my female body would be changing again and wanted to be as healthy as possible before that change happened. Also, I was trying to lose weight for years and despite my attempts at elimination diets to see if certain foods were affecting my pain and inflammation levels (that is one thing my blood work always showed - increased inflammation levels that I could not get down) and exercise with an aerobic workout (that would not increase my pain due to my herniated disk).
Here is a short video of how stress negatively affects the body. Many of the symptoms I was having are classic issues that someone has when they are chronically stressed.
Surprise! Our brain is also affected by stress and we have emotional and behavioral issues. Click there to see the short video about that.
Finally, the worst problem was my migraines. I have suffered from them for decades and was not able to ever figure out what made them better. I knew some things made them worse: eating out at restaurants caused them, dehydration, and sleep deprivation. (lol!!!!!!! Let me laugh a bit about not being able to fix sleep deprivation with a kiddo who still does (did) not sleep through the night at age 9 lol!!!!). I also figured out just last summer that when my kiddos were having allergy flare ups I was getting migraines - apparently I exhibit "seasonal allergies" not with a runny nose or congestion - but with a migraine. Yay me!
Additionally, I was attending EMDR conferences that year after year kept talking about the negative impacts of stress and trauma on our physical health.
Here is a youtube video of how stress affects our body. less than 10 minutes but very informative!
Issues like cancer and auto-immune disorders when suppressing anger and other emotions (oh boy - there is a lot of repressing emotions when parenting kiddos with mental health issues!!!) I knew I was entering the fun time of life when my female body would be changing again and wanted to be as healthy as possible before that change happened. Also, I was trying to lose weight for years and despite my attempts at elimination diets to see if certain foods were affecting my pain and inflammation levels (that is one thing my blood work always showed - increased inflammation levels that I could not get down) and exercise with an aerobic workout (that would not increase my pain due to my herniated disk).
Here is a short video of how stress negatively affects the body. Many of the symptoms I was having are classic issues that someone has when they are chronically stressed.
Surprise! Our brain is also affected by stress and we have emotional and behavioral issues. Click there to see the short video about that.
Finally, the worst problem was my migraines. I have suffered from them for decades and was not able to ever figure out what made them better. I knew some things made them worse: eating out at restaurants caused them, dehydration, and sleep deprivation. (lol!!!!!!! Let me laugh a bit about not being able to fix sleep deprivation with a kiddo who still does (did) not sleep through the night at age 9 lol!!!!). I also figured out just last summer that when my kiddos were having allergy flare ups I was getting migraines - apparently I exhibit "seasonal allergies" not with a runny nose or congestion - but with a migraine. Yay me!
I talked to a friend who is retired but did homeopath work. She suggested a holistic provider that has a doctorate as a Nurse Practitioner. I had other people tell me about their more holistic providers and decided to take the chance. I was reluctant for 2 reasons. First, I always put others first and did not think I could afford the money or time to take care of me when I had so many other people to take care of right now. I talked myself out of that illogical reasoning. Second, I know that there are as many opinions as there are providers. How did I know this person would know what she was talking about? How did I know she would be right? I knew this person would use blood work to back up her theories on what was going on and not just listen to some symptoms and suggest some supplements. So...I made the appt. It was nerve wracking. I second guessed myself a lot. What if I spent a bunch of money on weird supplements and nothing got better? What if she told me I had to go dance in a circle and pat my head and sing some weird camp song? Ok, that is a bit mean - but while I tend to seek out chiropractic and home remedies for issues I still was worried this option would be "too weird." Yet, I went.
When I got to the office I was glad that my husband had dropped me off as it was "weird" and I may have walked out. I had to remind myself that I ask people to trust me with the "weird" therapy of EMDR even though it is not "traditional" therapy and yet is extremely effective and efficient. I had taken the past 6 years of my blood work results with me. I met with her and for an hour she went through my history but mostly my blood work. After looking at the patterns she said she thought I had x, y, and z that I had never heard of in my life and said she was going to do more specific blood work - then to come back in 3 weeks for the results (Christmas and New Years were in there so I couldn't go back sooner). She did send me home with quite a lot of supplements based on her theories at that time lol!
I went home determined to make some changes in exercise and diet that she recommended in addition to taking the supplements. It was so freeing to have someone hear me about how I was feeling and have some tentative answers about that (pending blood test results). It was also scary. I sat pretty stunned and overwhelmed the whole time and in hindsight had to remind myself that it may be how people feel when they sit in my office and I use psychological jargon to describe what is going on. I vowed to try to be better about that!!
The most immediate change I noticed was the absence of the migraines. If nothing else the experience was worth it for that!!!!! She also told me to be consistently exercising. I was already exercising 3-4 days a week, but determined to do it 7 days a week. I had gotten my first iwatch a few weeks before that and it told me how many steps I was taking a day so I used it as my motivator to stay on track. I have only had 5 days since December 5 when I have not met my exercise goals. Those were days I worked 14+ hours and just couldn't find the energy to do so.
I got a migraine on Christmas Day and on January 3. Both of those days we had visits with Grace. I know that the stress of seeing her contributed to the migraines:(
January 9 I went back and got the blood test results. She spent 90 minutes explaining my blood work to my husband and I. It was both very scary and relieving to have answers. I have a bunch of crazy stuff going on that we are working on correcting. I will explain some of them.
First - I tested very high for Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV). I did not know what it was but it is the virus that causes Mono. I have never been diagnosed with Mono but looking back about 17 years ago I realize that there was a period of time when I met criteria for Mono but (of course) did not go to the physician. I always thought that Mono was a "one and done" kind of illness but...I was wrong.
I also have Hashimoto's - which is a thyroid issue. Add in there some issues with how my liver and pancreas are functioning... and other issues... and I was pretty shell shocked.
So, she (wait for it) added more supplements lol! (There are tinctures for the EBV and detox, and supplements like magnesium, adrenal support, probiotics, and things like that). Not many more on the 2nd visit though considering the first time around she suspected the problems and sent me home with what she thought I needed. BUT...she also told me that I had to eliminate dairy and gluten to decrease my chronically high inflammation numbers (that directly affect my pain levels), increase my exercise (I now run for 5 miles (according to my iwatch) every morning on my little 3 foot trampoline as I can't run outside and the trampoline makes the impact easier on my knees and back), and...the worst...do intermittent fasting. Yet another concept I had never heard of. Essentially I am currently at the point where I shouldn't eat between 8 p.m. and 1 p.m. It isn't too bad at this point but it sure was hard to get to this point! What probably floored me the most was that I had a very bad UTI. With none of the typical symptoms. I have had UTI's since I was 6 weeks old and I KNOW how they feel and how horrible they are. Yet, I had none of the typical symptoms. When I took the antibiotic my back pain due to my herniated disk that is ALWAYS present went away within a day!! I am now super paranoid about germs and any little symptom that makes me think I may have another UTI. It has really messed with my head lol! The back pain is back (not as bad) and mostly it is how I sit at work that exacerbates it (switching to working at home has been very bad for it. I spent two weeks figuring out a chair/desk situation that didn't leave me in terrible pain all night but I think I figured it out:) So super cleaning went into place in our house 2 months before this pandemic hit...
So... have her suggestions helped?
Yes!!!! Or else I would not still be doing it lol! I have lost 15 lbs in just over 3 months. I very rarely have migraines (aside from the 2 I mentioned above I did not have any until this past week - when we started having warm weather so we could walk outside and it is - yep - allergy season!! Thankfully allergy meds are taking care of them). I am SLEEPING!!!!! Oh glorious sleep! So many years of not sleeping - it feels great! Part of that is JJ is finally feeling safe enough in our home that he is sleeping through the night. In the past 4 months I think he has only woke us up a handful of times with nightmares. I am so happy!! But even if he wasn't waking us up I was not sleeping well, and now I am:) The mental fog is also so much better. To be able to concentrate, focus, and be motivated to do things feels so incredibly good! I still have bad days - but they are only a few days a month now instead of almost every day. I feel more mellow, less stressed, less depressed, and just...better:) I am even socializing and getting together with friends!!!! Well, I did a few times before the pandemic anyway. Usually I only got together with 1 person maybe twice a year- it just took too much effort.
I am feeling so much better that my doctor-phobic husband even set up an appointment to go. He also has EBV and other issues that are negatively impacting him (or negatively interact with his diabetes- diagnosed in 2012). We are trying to keep him has healthy as possible for as long as possible. He turned 48 this year and 3 of his 4 maternal uncles had heart attacks by age 50 (!!!!!!). So, he is motivated to live a little longer since I informed him I cannot raise these kids by myself lol! His improvement has not been as marked as mine - his pain levels and sleep are significantly improved but other issues are not (issues which seem to be secondary to the diabetes). He has only been doing these changes for a month though and I have been doing it almost 4 months.
So, like that frog in the pot of boiling water, I did not even know how bad things had gotten. I probably would have gone even longer without getting help but felt the strong nudges by numerous people around me talking about the negative effects of stress on the body and urgency of not wanting to have things get to the point of irreparable harm before I acted. I figure that even if all I can do is manage (and not cure) the issues I having going on- making the lifestyle changes that I have is still better for me in the long run:) I stepped outside of my comfort zone, got help, and it has been a good choice:)
I went home determined to make some changes in exercise and diet that she recommended in addition to taking the supplements. It was so freeing to have someone hear me about how I was feeling and have some tentative answers about that (pending blood test results). It was also scary. I sat pretty stunned and overwhelmed the whole time and in hindsight had to remind myself that it may be how people feel when they sit in my office and I use psychological jargon to describe what is going on. I vowed to try to be better about that!!
The most immediate change I noticed was the absence of the migraines. If nothing else the experience was worth it for that!!!!! She also told me to be consistently exercising. I was already exercising 3-4 days a week, but determined to do it 7 days a week. I had gotten my first iwatch a few weeks before that and it told me how many steps I was taking a day so I used it as my motivator to stay on track. I have only had 5 days since December 5 when I have not met my exercise goals. Those were days I worked 14+ hours and just couldn't find the energy to do so.
I got a migraine on Christmas Day and on January 3. Both of those days we had visits with Grace. I know that the stress of seeing her contributed to the migraines:(
January 9 I went back and got the blood test results. She spent 90 minutes explaining my blood work to my husband and I. It was both very scary and relieving to have answers. I have a bunch of crazy stuff going on that we are working on correcting. I will explain some of them.
First - I tested very high for Epstein-Barr Virus (EBV). I did not know what it was but it is the virus that causes Mono. I have never been diagnosed with Mono but looking back about 17 years ago I realize that there was a period of time when I met criteria for Mono but (of course) did not go to the physician. I always thought that Mono was a "one and done" kind of illness but...I was wrong.
I also have Hashimoto's - which is a thyroid issue. Add in there some issues with how my liver and pancreas are functioning... and other issues... and I was pretty shell shocked.
So, she (wait for it) added more supplements lol! (There are tinctures for the EBV and detox, and supplements like magnesium, adrenal support, probiotics, and things like that). Not many more on the 2nd visit though considering the first time around she suspected the problems and sent me home with what she thought I needed. BUT...she also told me that I had to eliminate dairy and gluten to decrease my chronically high inflammation numbers (that directly affect my pain levels), increase my exercise (I now run for 5 miles (according to my iwatch) every morning on my little 3 foot trampoline as I can't run outside and the trampoline makes the impact easier on my knees and back), and...the worst...do intermittent fasting. Yet another concept I had never heard of. Essentially I am currently at the point where I shouldn't eat between 8 p.m. and 1 p.m. It isn't too bad at this point but it sure was hard to get to this point! What probably floored me the most was that I had a very bad UTI. With none of the typical symptoms. I have had UTI's since I was 6 weeks old and I KNOW how they feel and how horrible they are. Yet, I had none of the typical symptoms. When I took the antibiotic my back pain due to my herniated disk that is ALWAYS present went away within a day!! I am now super paranoid about germs and any little symptom that makes me think I may have another UTI. It has really messed with my head lol! The back pain is back (not as bad) and mostly it is how I sit at work that exacerbates it (switching to working at home has been very bad for it. I spent two weeks figuring out a chair/desk situation that didn't leave me in terrible pain all night but I think I figured it out:) So super cleaning went into place in our house 2 months before this pandemic hit...
So... have her suggestions helped?
Yes!!!! Or else I would not still be doing it lol! I have lost 15 lbs in just over 3 months. I very rarely have migraines (aside from the 2 I mentioned above I did not have any until this past week - when we started having warm weather so we could walk outside and it is - yep - allergy season!! Thankfully allergy meds are taking care of them). I am SLEEPING!!!!! Oh glorious sleep! So many years of not sleeping - it feels great! Part of that is JJ is finally feeling safe enough in our home that he is sleeping through the night. In the past 4 months I think he has only woke us up a handful of times with nightmares. I am so happy!! But even if he wasn't waking us up I was not sleeping well, and now I am:) The mental fog is also so much better. To be able to concentrate, focus, and be motivated to do things feels so incredibly good! I still have bad days - but they are only a few days a month now instead of almost every day. I feel more mellow, less stressed, less depressed, and just...better:) I am even socializing and getting together with friends!!!! Well, I did a few times before the pandemic anyway. Usually I only got together with 1 person maybe twice a year- it just took too much effort.
I am feeling so much better that my doctor-phobic husband even set up an appointment to go. He also has EBV and other issues that are negatively impacting him (or negatively interact with his diabetes- diagnosed in 2012). We are trying to keep him has healthy as possible for as long as possible. He turned 48 this year and 3 of his 4 maternal uncles had heart attacks by age 50 (!!!!!!). So, he is motivated to live a little longer since I informed him I cannot raise these kids by myself lol! His improvement has not been as marked as mine - his pain levels and sleep are significantly improved but other issues are not (issues which seem to be secondary to the diabetes). He has only been doing these changes for a month though and I have been doing it almost 4 months.
So, like that frog in the pot of boiling water, I did not even know how bad things had gotten. I probably would have gone even longer without getting help but felt the strong nudges by numerous people around me talking about the negative effects of stress on the body and urgency of not wanting to have things get to the point of irreparable harm before I acted. I figure that even if all I can do is manage (and not cure) the issues I having going on- making the lifestyle changes that I have is still better for me in the long run:) I stepped outside of my comfort zone, got help, and it has been a good choice:)
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
I am not enough, but He is.
Here we go again. Tomorrow we take Faith to the residential program.
I am so sad. This is not what I thought parenting would be. This is not what I thought adoption would be. This is not what I thought our life would be. I refuse to wail and rail about "why." But I sure have a heavy heart about it. I am resigned. Resigned that I am not enough. Resigned that I have to hand my second child over to strangers in a desperate attempt to get her to see she needs to make better choices. Resigned to the fact that our family is disrupted again. Questioning if our family can come back from this. Wallowing in the fact that I. don't. want. to. deal. with. this. As I held her tonight and cried with her I wished that she would just stop doing what she has been doing! I thought about how many people in this world look at their loved ones while they are self-destructing and beg and plead and pray that they will stop. Some stop. Some don't. I have to trust that God is in charge of the outcome - good or bad.
As I have tried to figure out how to move forward in this grief and the heavy doubt of my own ability to have any positive effect on this child, God seems to simply soothe me with "you are not enough, but I am." There is freedom and comfort in that truth.
So that is where I try to focus my heart and mind. On the great I Am. When all I really want to do is bury my head in the sand and ignore how much this - I don't even have the right word to describe it...
I am so sad. This is not what I thought parenting would be. This is not what I thought adoption would be. This is not what I thought our life would be. I refuse to wail and rail about "why." But I sure have a heavy heart about it. I am resigned. Resigned that I am not enough. Resigned that I have to hand my second child over to strangers in a desperate attempt to get her to see she needs to make better choices. Resigned to the fact that our family is disrupted again. Questioning if our family can come back from this. Wallowing in the fact that I. don't. want. to. deal. with. this. As I held her tonight and cried with her I wished that she would just stop doing what she has been doing! I thought about how many people in this world look at their loved ones while they are self-destructing and beg and plead and pray that they will stop. Some stop. Some don't. I have to trust that God is in charge of the outcome - good or bad.
As I have tried to figure out how to move forward in this grief and the heavy doubt of my own ability to have any positive effect on this child, God seems to simply soothe me with "you are not enough, but I am." There is freedom and comfort in that truth.
So that is where I try to focus my heart and mind. On the great I Am. When all I really want to do is bury my head in the sand and ignore how much this - I don't even have the right word to describe it...
Sunday, February 23, 2020
I cannot believe we have to do this again:(
I stopped doing the updates when Grace got moved from the hospital to the residential program. She is doing adequately behaviorally. She has had struggles and the staff where she is at are very skilled in dealing with her issues. We have continued visits. Those visits make it very clear that she still has a long road ahead of her.
While the stress level is lower with her getting the help she needs we have had other stressors. I am finally taking the time for me to figure out why I am have certain symptoms. We found a wonderful woman with a doctorate as a Nurse Practitioner who works holistically. She has been wonderful and has, through a lot of blood work, given me some answers. Thankfully, she has also given me some solutions and while I have had to make a lot of changes I physically feel better than I have in a very long time. I am finally sleeping, losing weight, not having migraines, can concentrate and focus better than in a long time, etc. I feel like I was a frog in a pot of boiling water and had no idea how bad I was until I started feeling better. I am so thankful I took the very scary step of going to her office and hope that I continue to get better. I will post about that journey another time. But it has been a time consuming stressor during this season as well as I deal with some of the realities of the issues I have going on.
But, the biggest stressor right now is that Faith is also leaving for the same residential program as Grace. I have a million swirling thoughts related to this situation. I know that it is what needs to happen, I cannot even begin to describe the issues. But what makes it so heartbreaking for me is that Grace needed to go because she has mental health issues that contribute to her problems. With Faith it is "just" choice (as if experiencing repeated early trauma and its lifelong consequences is "just" anything). It both breaks my heart and makes me feel resigned to this inevitability. When we went through this with Grace I wanted to be sure to be intentional about my healing. Now that we are having to do this again all I want to do is put my head in the sand and avoid. I am not an avoider of conflict. I would like to think I am assertive with dealing with issues, if not down right aggressive. But I am just done. I am so glad that I am physically better or I am not sure how I would be handling this.
Quite frankly I didn't even want to post about it - as if I could just ignore that yet another one of our children is leaving for 18+ months. But, I have talked to so many mommas lately who are telling me how utterly alone they feel dealing with their unique struggles. Whether it is parenting special needs kids, adopted kids, or just raising kids. So, for those of you who are struggling I offer no answers at all. But I do offer you this...you are NOT alone. Even if you reach out to people and try to connect and get them to understand but they just don't get it, do not give up. God knows what you are going through, and other mommas do too. They are probably just as tired as you and don't have the energy to reach out. Don't give up. Keep seeking. Keep moving forward. Keep trusting. He has you.
While the stress level is lower with her getting the help she needs we have had other stressors. I am finally taking the time for me to figure out why I am have certain symptoms. We found a wonderful woman with a doctorate as a Nurse Practitioner who works holistically. She has been wonderful and has, through a lot of blood work, given me some answers. Thankfully, she has also given me some solutions and while I have had to make a lot of changes I physically feel better than I have in a very long time. I am finally sleeping, losing weight, not having migraines, can concentrate and focus better than in a long time, etc. I feel like I was a frog in a pot of boiling water and had no idea how bad I was until I started feeling better. I am so thankful I took the very scary step of going to her office and hope that I continue to get better. I will post about that journey another time. But it has been a time consuming stressor during this season as well as I deal with some of the realities of the issues I have going on.
But, the biggest stressor right now is that Faith is also leaving for the same residential program as Grace. I have a million swirling thoughts related to this situation. I know that it is what needs to happen, I cannot even begin to describe the issues. But what makes it so heartbreaking for me is that Grace needed to go because she has mental health issues that contribute to her problems. With Faith it is "just" choice (as if experiencing repeated early trauma and its lifelong consequences is "just" anything). It both breaks my heart and makes me feel resigned to this inevitability. When we went through this with Grace I wanted to be sure to be intentional about my healing. Now that we are having to do this again all I want to do is put my head in the sand and avoid. I am not an avoider of conflict. I would like to think I am assertive with dealing with issues, if not down right aggressive. But I am just done. I am so glad that I am physically better or I am not sure how I would be handling this.
Quite frankly I didn't even want to post about it - as if I could just ignore that yet another one of our children is leaving for 18+ months. But, I have talked to so many mommas lately who are telling me how utterly alone they feel dealing with their unique struggles. Whether it is parenting special needs kids, adopted kids, or just raising kids. So, for those of you who are struggling I offer no answers at all. But I do offer you this...you are NOT alone. Even if you reach out to people and try to connect and get them to understand but they just don't get it, do not give up. God knows what you are going through, and other mommas do too. They are probably just as tired as you and don't have the energy to reach out. Don't give up. Keep seeking. Keep moving forward. Keep trusting. He has you.
Sunday, February 9, 2020
Saying Goodbye to Grandma
My grandmother was a very positive influence on my life. She is the example that I try to follow as I think about how I want to be a grandmother to my grandchildren. She always made me feel safe, heard, unconditionally loved, included, and seen. I had a bit of a chaotic childhood - nothing too serious but being a child of divorce means a certain level of chaos and unpredictability that all children in that setting must navigate. My grandmother was a constant in my life during that time.
I remember how she would rock me. She was so comfortable and safe to lay on and she would rock so soothingly while singing or humming. She never complained when I would sneak my hand up under the dishtowels that covered her freshly baked homemade buns - even when I ate A LOT of them. I remember waking up in the hospital in the middle of the night when I was very little (either when I had Spinal Meningitis or one of the times I had a kidney infection) and she was sitting there on the right side of my crib/bed in a chair and acted happy and encouraging when I said I had to get up to use the bathroom. She did not act like I was a bother or that she was exhausted or frustrated I woke her while she trying to sleep in a hard chair. She just smiled and used a tone of voice that made me feel like she was present with me, not just physically there. Always encouraging. Always smiling. Always giving her complete attention. I know my dad also sat with me overnight during some of those nights but for some reason I don't remember him doing it lol! (although I do remember the man who would bring my breakfast and he always snuck me extra hard boiled eggs with extra salt and pepper - a food I never ate other than in the hospital until I had cravings for them while pregnant with Buddy lol!!) When I would have sleepovers at her house I would lay in an old green sleeping bag on the floor beside her and grandpa's bed and she would put her hand down for me to hold until I fell asleep.
I remember, as I got older, the fireworks at one of her sister's houses - the whole family together. I would get to lay on her lap and watch them. I was the oldest grandchild and, aside from my brother who is 2 1/2 years younger than me, since I was 7 or 8 before another grandchild came along, I did not have to share her during those years:) Grandma and her 3 sisters that lived close (and sometimes the 4th) and many of their kids would have such fun picnics in the park in the summertime. Her nieces and nephews would water ski and it was such a special treat for me when I got to ride in the boat.
Grandma sang in the church choir. She always sat in the front of the church in the choir loft. I remember as a little girl I snuck out of the pew dad, my brother, and I were sitting in - and crept up the isle to sit by my grandma - right during the sermon. I sat in a chair right next to her up in the choir loft until church was over. I loved listening to her sing. Music was, obviously, important to her and she paid for me to take piano lessons from a woman that she went to school with. A woman with amazing piano skills. Pearl taught me lessons for several years and Grandma had me play pieces for her for several family gatherings, anniversaries, etc. I enjoyed playing but was so nervous playing in front of other people. I remember that I played for my other grandparent's 45 anniversary. I was so incredibly nervous and as soon as I got done I ran out. My grandma just held me while I cried my nerves out. Oh the memories lol!
Grandma was a great cook. She made so many big meals for the family get togethers. But my favorite was her lefse. One of her sisters married a Norwegian man and they made lefse together for him. It was such an honor to me that as an adult Grandma taught me how to make lefse, and now I make it with my children. They all insist on having it for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Grandma's mom passed away when she was, I think, 18 or 19. She was the 4th of 5 sisters. The sisters were all very close since they did not have their mom as the "glue." It was a privilege that I got to get to know my great aunts - 4 of the sisters all lived in the same town. I hope that my children want to be as close as my grandmother was with her sisters.
As an adult I have heard about the parts of grandma's life that were hard. She had so many adversities she had to overcome. But I never heard about them from her. To me she faced life with an attitude of just "deal with the next thing and the past is in the past." She was quite the peacekeeper, never liking conflict. While I know there is a downside to that perspective (one cannot always avoid conflict), to a kid who dealt with chaos and unpredictability I deeply appreciated the peace that grandma personified.
Grandma and Grandpa were generous with their time and were always willing to serve. They served on so many committees and were leaders in the church and their farming community. I think of the phrase "servant leader" when I think of them.
Grandma and Grandpa were married for 70 years. Grandpa passed away the month before their 71st anniversary and Grandma passed away the month of their 75th. I am glad they will be together to celebrate this year:) Grandma missed Grandpa so much during those years.
I know I only saw Grandma from a grandchild's perspective, which may be covered with very rose-colored classes. But my grandma was a rose to me. Which reminds me that one of the songs that she said she always liked to listen to me play on the piano was The Rose:)
I am so thankful that I got to spend a couple of days with her before she passed away. All 7 of us grandchildren got to say goodbye to her. I was there Thursday and Friday, and she passed away on Sunday while How Great Thou Art was playing and her daughters were reading scripture and praying with her. A peaceful end:)
The church she and Grandpa attended closed a couple of years ago. Therefore, I was not sure how her funeral would go with it being in a church that was not "her" church. Sometimes funerals end up being impersonal in those situations. However, it was a beautiful gospel centered service and the pastor and the musicians clearly knew Grandma and cared for her. My aunt gave a very moving eulogy that captured the heart of grandma well. All of her family and many friends came to celebrate her life.
I am thankful for Grandma's example of loving like Jesus, and I pray that my grandchildren will feel as loved as Grandma made me feel.
I remember how she would rock me. She was so comfortable and safe to lay on and she would rock so soothingly while singing or humming. She never complained when I would sneak my hand up under the dishtowels that covered her freshly baked homemade buns - even when I ate A LOT of them. I remember waking up in the hospital in the middle of the night when I was very little (either when I had Spinal Meningitis or one of the times I had a kidney infection) and she was sitting there on the right side of my crib/bed in a chair and acted happy and encouraging when I said I had to get up to use the bathroom. She did not act like I was a bother or that she was exhausted or frustrated I woke her while she trying to sleep in a hard chair. She just smiled and used a tone of voice that made me feel like she was present with me, not just physically there. Always encouraging. Always smiling. Always giving her complete attention. I know my dad also sat with me overnight during some of those nights but for some reason I don't remember him doing it lol! (although I do remember the man who would bring my breakfast and he always snuck me extra hard boiled eggs with extra salt and pepper - a food I never ate other than in the hospital until I had cravings for them while pregnant with Buddy lol!!) When I would have sleepovers at her house I would lay in an old green sleeping bag on the floor beside her and grandpa's bed and she would put her hand down for me to hold until I fell asleep.
I remember, as I got older, the fireworks at one of her sister's houses - the whole family together. I would get to lay on her lap and watch them. I was the oldest grandchild and, aside from my brother who is 2 1/2 years younger than me, since I was 7 or 8 before another grandchild came along, I did not have to share her during those years:) Grandma and her 3 sisters that lived close (and sometimes the 4th) and many of their kids would have such fun picnics in the park in the summertime. Her nieces and nephews would water ski and it was such a special treat for me when I got to ride in the boat.
Grandma sang in the church choir. She always sat in the front of the church in the choir loft. I remember as a little girl I snuck out of the pew dad, my brother, and I were sitting in - and crept up the isle to sit by my grandma - right during the sermon. I sat in a chair right next to her up in the choir loft until church was over. I loved listening to her sing. Music was, obviously, important to her and she paid for me to take piano lessons from a woman that she went to school with. A woman with amazing piano skills. Pearl taught me lessons for several years and Grandma had me play pieces for her for several family gatherings, anniversaries, etc. I enjoyed playing but was so nervous playing in front of other people. I remember that I played for my other grandparent's 45 anniversary. I was so incredibly nervous and as soon as I got done I ran out. My grandma just held me while I cried my nerves out. Oh the memories lol!
Grandma was a great cook. She made so many big meals for the family get togethers. But my favorite was her lefse. One of her sisters married a Norwegian man and they made lefse together for him. It was such an honor to me that as an adult Grandma taught me how to make lefse, and now I make it with my children. They all insist on having it for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Grandma's mom passed away when she was, I think, 18 or 19. She was the 4th of 5 sisters. The sisters were all very close since they did not have their mom as the "glue." It was a privilege that I got to get to know my great aunts - 4 of the sisters all lived in the same town. I hope that my children want to be as close as my grandmother was with her sisters.
As an adult I have heard about the parts of grandma's life that were hard. She had so many adversities she had to overcome. But I never heard about them from her. To me she faced life with an attitude of just "deal with the next thing and the past is in the past." She was quite the peacekeeper, never liking conflict. While I know there is a downside to that perspective (one cannot always avoid conflict), to a kid who dealt with chaos and unpredictability I deeply appreciated the peace that grandma personified.
Grandma and Grandpa were generous with their time and were always willing to serve. They served on so many committees and were leaders in the church and their farming community. I think of the phrase "servant leader" when I think of them.
Grandma and Grandpa were married for 70 years. Grandpa passed away the month before their 71st anniversary and Grandma passed away the month of their 75th. I am glad they will be together to celebrate this year:) Grandma missed Grandpa so much during those years.
I know I only saw Grandma from a grandchild's perspective, which may be covered with very rose-colored classes. But my grandma was a rose to me. Which reminds me that one of the songs that she said she always liked to listen to me play on the piano was The Rose:)
I am so thankful that I got to spend a couple of days with her before she passed away. All 7 of us grandchildren got to say goodbye to her. I was there Thursday and Friday, and she passed away on Sunday while How Great Thou Art was playing and her daughters were reading scripture and praying with her. A peaceful end:)
The church she and Grandpa attended closed a couple of years ago. Therefore, I was not sure how her funeral would go with it being in a church that was not "her" church. Sometimes funerals end up being impersonal in those situations. However, it was a beautiful gospel centered service and the pastor and the musicians clearly knew Grandma and cared for her. My aunt gave a very moving eulogy that captured the heart of grandma well. All of her family and many friends came to celebrate her life.
I am thankful for Grandma's example of loving like Jesus, and I pray that my grandchildren will feel as loved as Grandma made me feel.
Sunday, January 5, 2020
My Battle: Raw and Bent
Friday we moved Grace to the group home. It was much harder than I anticipated. And it kicked off a weekend that has been very hard. The battle between my feelings of guilt as a mom and our resolve to do right by our family and Grace has been brutal. Woven in there has been a migraine that started Friday morning and has been my worst one by far. I have not liked this weekend...
We picked up Grace at 10:15, signed her discharge paperwork, then drove her about a mile to her new home. We had big team meeting, did all of the admission paperwork (well, in addition to the 30+ documents I completed for the admission on Monday and Tuesday), then left her there.
With yet another set of strangers. Last time we dropped her off it was a last desperate effort and we were at our wits end. We dropped her off thinking "30 - 90 days." This time we dropped her off thinking "18 months." Eighteen Months. One year and 6 months.
It sucked.
She didn't want us to leave her there. I clung to her and did not want to leave her there. I cried and could not stay positive for her. But I knew she is exactly where she needs to be to grow. Thankfully my husband was a rock and stood firm or I may have bundled her into the van and drove home...only to regret it by the time we got back home.
I never ever thought this would be our life when we started the adoption process. The parenting process in general. I never thought it would be this hard. I hate that we have to do this.
Then I remind myself that it could be so much worse. She could be forceably removed from our home on probation or something due to the severity of her choices and we could have no control or choices for her care. We could be in a time or country where all children are removed from their parents and educated according to "the powers that be's" rules. She could be refusing to comply with any of the efforts to help her - yet she is doing really well with compliance. I could be handing her off to a surgeon to try to fix some life threatening disease. I know it could be worse. But it still sucks. I am so tired of this battle.
My migraine was in full effect by then. The irony is not lost on me that my two migraines in the past 2 weeks have both been when we have had to deal with the stress of decisions related to Grace.
By evening my head hurt so bad I fully understood why people become addicted to pain medication and/or alcohol/drugs. I know someone who committed suicide last week because of chronic pain. At the time I thought "how could they do that?" Friday night I had much more compassion. Not that I agree with or considered suicide, but I could understand much better the need to just have the pain stop. When my back pain is the worse 95% of the time I am able to at least find a pain free position and not move in order to get relief. But a migraine is not like that.
My husband thankfully put JJ to sleep for me Friday night and I enjoyed a few hours of sleep. But then I woke with terrible pain again and just could not get on top of it. Usually I can sleep them away, but not this one. I just kept running our last 20 minutes with Grace over and over and over again and the guilt just ate me up. I finally did an EMDR pain protocol on myself and sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" over and over and over and eventually fell asleep. When I woke in the morning I was so scared to get out of bed for fear the pain would come back, but I did and kept myself pretty active hoping the day may be pain free. But it came back. A huge blessing was that when I called Grace to check in with her she had had a great night with her new house mates (they had gone to a basketball game and out to Taco Bell - she had never eaten there and was VERY excited about it). She was making friends, likes her roommate, and REALLY likes the significant freedom she has there compared to the hospital. That did my momma heart good:)
Saturday night sleep was ok. Today it is lingering right there. I was pretty emotional during church. But then the song during the offertory was the one I have been singing all weekend to keep myself focused. God reminded me that He is present. He is in this. He the victor of all battles. He has Grace in His hands and has a plan. I can trust Him that whatever needs to happen for Grace will happen so that long term she has the skills to be the person that He needs her to be. A person that can be a healthy member of our family and the world.
So, I went to church this morning feeling broken. But I was reminded that I may be in a battle in my mind. I may be in a spiritual battle for my child's heart. I may be feeling raw. And I may be bent. But I am NOT broken. I will bend to God's will, I will seek to learn and grow, and I will persevere.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial...
We picked up Grace at 10:15, signed her discharge paperwork, then drove her about a mile to her new home. We had big team meeting, did all of the admission paperwork (well, in addition to the 30+ documents I completed for the admission on Monday and Tuesday), then left her there.
With yet another set of strangers. Last time we dropped her off it was a last desperate effort and we were at our wits end. We dropped her off thinking "30 - 90 days." This time we dropped her off thinking "18 months." Eighteen Months. One year and 6 months.
It sucked.
She didn't want us to leave her there. I clung to her and did not want to leave her there. I cried and could not stay positive for her. But I knew she is exactly where she needs to be to grow. Thankfully my husband was a rock and stood firm or I may have bundled her into the van and drove home...only to regret it by the time we got back home.
I never ever thought this would be our life when we started the adoption process. The parenting process in general. I never thought it would be this hard. I hate that we have to do this.
Then I remind myself that it could be so much worse. She could be forceably removed from our home on probation or something due to the severity of her choices and we could have no control or choices for her care. We could be in a time or country where all children are removed from their parents and educated according to "the powers that be's" rules. She could be refusing to comply with any of the efforts to help her - yet she is doing really well with compliance. I could be handing her off to a surgeon to try to fix some life threatening disease. I know it could be worse. But it still sucks. I am so tired of this battle.
My migraine was in full effect by then. The irony is not lost on me that my two migraines in the past 2 weeks have both been when we have had to deal with the stress of decisions related to Grace.
By evening my head hurt so bad I fully understood why people become addicted to pain medication and/or alcohol/drugs. I know someone who committed suicide last week because of chronic pain. At the time I thought "how could they do that?" Friday night I had much more compassion. Not that I agree with or considered suicide, but I could understand much better the need to just have the pain stop. When my back pain is the worse 95% of the time I am able to at least find a pain free position and not move in order to get relief. But a migraine is not like that.
My husband thankfully put JJ to sleep for me Friday night and I enjoyed a few hours of sleep. But then I woke with terrible pain again and just could not get on top of it. Usually I can sleep them away, but not this one. I just kept running our last 20 minutes with Grace over and over and over again and the guilt just ate me up. I finally did an EMDR pain protocol on myself and sang "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" over and over and over and eventually fell asleep. When I woke in the morning I was so scared to get out of bed for fear the pain would come back, but I did and kept myself pretty active hoping the day may be pain free. But it came back. A huge blessing was that when I called Grace to check in with her she had had a great night with her new house mates (they had gone to a basketball game and out to Taco Bell - she had never eaten there and was VERY excited about it). She was making friends, likes her roommate, and REALLY likes the significant freedom she has there compared to the hospital. That did my momma heart good:)
Saturday night sleep was ok. Today it is lingering right there. I was pretty emotional during church. But then the song during the offertory was the one I have been singing all weekend to keep myself focused. God reminded me that He is present. He is in this. He the victor of all battles. He has Grace in His hands and has a plan. I can trust Him that whatever needs to happen for Grace will happen so that long term she has the skills to be the person that He needs her to be. A person that can be a healthy member of our family and the world.
So, I went to church this morning feeling broken. But I was reminded that I may be in a battle in my mind. I may be in a spiritual battle for my child's heart. I may be feeling raw. And I may be bent. But I am NOT broken. I will bend to God's will, I will seek to learn and grow, and I will persevere.
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial...
Thursday, January 2, 2020
Week 13: Stay-cation/Self-Care
Tomorrow we drive to see Grace again to discharge her from the facility and transfer her to the long-term group home. She will be there, if she is not removed from the program due to her behavior, an expected 12 months but potentially up to 18 months. The peace and relief at knowing what is happening next is extensive. While we have tried to be intentional about healing and moving forward over the past 13 weeks from "Hurricane Grace" we have kept an eye on the horizon for when it may return. Now that we have a more permanent timeline it allows us to plan more effectively.
I am quite the planner. In fact, Beautiful has introduced me to the idea of the Enneagram. At first I thought it was...not worth looking into. But she kept sending me little quotes here and there and got me interested. Then I took the test. Well, actually, I didn't even need to take the test as I knew from those quotes what "type" I was - and after I took the test found that I am lol! Being a type 1-5 is helping me understand more about why I interact with my kids (and spouse) the way that I do. It has helped me to appreciate our communication and perspective differences more - and helped me to be more patient with everyone in my family who is NOT like I am - except Buddy. He is a 5. That is probably why I have felt like he and I are the most alike lol!
Anyway, I have had off work from 12/25 to 1/5 and I am learning that my "5" is really coming out to play. And needed to. I have done practically nothing except retreat (I have literally left my house only to attend church-that is twice in the past 9 days). I am an introvert so this time with just the family has been incredibly refreshing. I used to dread the days home with the kids because there was so much chaos and....unpeacefulness. And while I will admit there were some spots this week where I had to be a "1" and get kids back in line, for the most part it has just been so peaceful. I. am. relaxed. I haven't felt this relaxed in years and years. As much as it is sad to me, the reality is it is because the hurricane is not rolling through the house. I am coming to terms with accepting that, and refusing to feel guilty about it.
This week I have read tons of books. All fiction. All happy outcomes. No angst or yuck (I get enough of real angst at work, I need a total retreat from reality). I have put together lots of puzzles. I even played the piano! I usually only play over the Christmas season and have enjoyed the relaxation it provides. I hope to do it more. It was just too chaotic and noisy to play much before... But also...I got my ENTIRE "to do" list done! Even making a website for work (yes, this technologically incapable person made an extremely simple website lol!) and all the year end paperwork. Then I retreated from all work and just let myself exist with the family. I even had two days where I wore my pjs all day:) Of course, I worked out for an hour upon waking, then showered and put on clean pjs. But, they were still pj days lol! We started a new Bible reading plan and devotional as a family. We are all competing with our fitbits on how many steps a day we can get in. I made a rule (hey, I am, after all, a "1" lol!) that if they don't get a certain number of steps a day they get no electronics the next day. I even tried out the new Dribble Up I got the kids to hone their basketball skills - let's just say that I wasn't good at sports as a kid...and I am not athletic now! With that said, I have worked myself up to running 4+ miles every morning (indoors) and I am determined to keep up with that even with my crazy busy work schedule. I am a sucker for competition - and every day my iwatch tells me that I have earned an award for "1 more day in a row of hitting my exercise goal" makes me never want to not reach that goal lol!
We have played board and card games. The kids have watched TV (am not a TV person. I am preparing to cancel our satellite TV in March after the Olympics. Superman is very anxious that we will miss out on NFL football. The problem is that we only get every 3-4 Vikings games a season anyway so why are we paying for it? If anyone has suggestions on how to subscribe to a channel to get the Vikings games without having to go through DirecTV I would appreciate it. We have Dish and clearly can't get the games on there...
While I have rested a lot, my husband has been amazing and done a lot. He spent almost 24 hours replacing our water softener (buying it, having to go buy more parts, installation, etc) which has not been working correctly for months. He also finally replaced the ceiling fans in the bathrooms that have not worked for, well, one of them for years. He appreciates that I am home and can take care of the kids while he can work and not have to stop to feed them or stop a fight:) I appreciate that he does not complain about me resting (he has seen my crossed out "to do" list;) He even finished getting the garage cleaned out so we can park our new van in there lol!
Anyway. I am already getting anxious about going back to work. I felt so much guilt for taking a week off of work, now I don't want to go back lol! January will be a crazy busy month with the boys in basketball and me working a lot. Thankfully we should not have to be driving as much to see Grace during this transition month - I think just tomorrow and next Thursday. That will help:)
God has been so tangible this Christmas. Rather than us being run ragged with scheduling or chaos in the family, it has been a time of sweet rest. Thank you Jesus!!
I am quite the planner. In fact, Beautiful has introduced me to the idea of the Enneagram. At first I thought it was...not worth looking into. But she kept sending me little quotes here and there and got me interested. Then I took the test. Well, actually, I didn't even need to take the test as I knew from those quotes what "type" I was - and after I took the test found that I am lol! Being a type 1-5 is helping me understand more about why I interact with my kids (and spouse) the way that I do. It has helped me to appreciate our communication and perspective differences more - and helped me to be more patient with everyone in my family who is NOT like I am - except Buddy. He is a 5. That is probably why I have felt like he and I are the most alike lol!
Anyway, I have had off work from 12/25 to 1/5 and I am learning that my "5" is really coming out to play. And needed to. I have done practically nothing except retreat (I have literally left my house only to attend church-that is twice in the past 9 days). I am an introvert so this time with just the family has been incredibly refreshing. I used to dread the days home with the kids because there was so much chaos and....unpeacefulness. And while I will admit there were some spots this week where I had to be a "1" and get kids back in line, for the most part it has just been so peaceful. I. am. relaxed. I haven't felt this relaxed in years and years. As much as it is sad to me, the reality is it is because the hurricane is not rolling through the house. I am coming to terms with accepting that, and refusing to feel guilty about it.
This week I have read tons of books. All fiction. All happy outcomes. No angst or yuck (I get enough of real angst at work, I need a total retreat from reality). I have put together lots of puzzles. I even played the piano! I usually only play over the Christmas season and have enjoyed the relaxation it provides. I hope to do it more. It was just too chaotic and noisy to play much before... But also...I got my ENTIRE "to do" list done! Even making a website for work (yes, this technologically incapable person made an extremely simple website lol!) and all the year end paperwork. Then I retreated from all work and just let myself exist with the family. I even had two days where I wore my pjs all day:) Of course, I worked out for an hour upon waking, then showered and put on clean pjs. But, they were still pj days lol! We started a new Bible reading plan and devotional as a family. We are all competing with our fitbits on how many steps a day we can get in. I made a rule (hey, I am, after all, a "1" lol!) that if they don't get a certain number of steps a day they get no electronics the next day. I even tried out the new Dribble Up I got the kids to hone their basketball skills - let's just say that I wasn't good at sports as a kid...and I am not athletic now! With that said, I have worked myself up to running 4+ miles every morning (indoors) and I am determined to keep up with that even with my crazy busy work schedule. I am a sucker for competition - and every day my iwatch tells me that I have earned an award for "1 more day in a row of hitting my exercise goal" makes me never want to not reach that goal lol!
We have played board and card games. The kids have watched TV (am not a TV person. I am preparing to cancel our satellite TV in March after the Olympics. Superman is very anxious that we will miss out on NFL football. The problem is that we only get every 3-4 Vikings games a season anyway so why are we paying for it? If anyone has suggestions on how to subscribe to a channel to get the Vikings games without having to go through DirecTV I would appreciate it. We have Dish and clearly can't get the games on there...
While I have rested a lot, my husband has been amazing and done a lot. He spent almost 24 hours replacing our water softener (buying it, having to go buy more parts, installation, etc) which has not been working correctly for months. He also finally replaced the ceiling fans in the bathrooms that have not worked for, well, one of them for years. He appreciates that I am home and can take care of the kids while he can work and not have to stop to feed them or stop a fight:) I appreciate that he does not complain about me resting (he has seen my crossed out "to do" list;) He even finished getting the garage cleaned out so we can park our new van in there lol!
Anyway. I am already getting anxious about going back to work. I felt so much guilt for taking a week off of work, now I don't want to go back lol! January will be a crazy busy month with the boys in basketball and me working a lot. Thankfully we should not have to be driving as much to see Grace during this transition month - I think just tomorrow and next Thursday. That will help:)
God has been so tangible this Christmas. Rather than us being run ragged with scheduling or chaos in the family, it has been a time of sweet rest. Thank you Jesus!!
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