Week 2: Honestly? I am scared.

This week has been harder than the first week. This is the week I was not as busy with work and outside obligations and saw more of what we have been missing.

I have decided that I am writing weekly to help me through the process. In the past I have mostly tried to write when I have come to an end point, a conclusion of thoughts and process that has led me to a good place of perspective. But this stage of our life? It is all about process. I know I am not the only one going through mess. I think that too often we hear from people when they are through the mess and looking back on it. I am here to say I am in the middle of it and it is not pleasant! I initially wrote this with a lot of specific detail on the difficulties we are going through. Then I toned it back. I don't want to make this about complaining and I don't want to villainize Grace. But I do want to be real and transparent. This is my best attempt.

Thursday I was home all day for the first time in weeks. I tried to keep myself busy and productive. I forced myself to be more aware of my thoughts and not just go on auto pilot. Life has been so hard for so long that I have learned to just focus on the next thing. To be present in the moment means to feel - and the feelings are too often fear, hurt, resentment, and an inability to protect/change the situation. Since those are not healthy emotions, and even more importantly, I can't change the situations that make them happen, I just move forward. But that has changed now for a time and I am realizing just how many feelings and thoughts that I am avoiding. My EMDR conference last month talked, again, about the very high rates of autoimmune disorders in people who have unresolved anger (stuffing emotions). As Gabor Mate spoke I thought about my own sense of being paralyzed in our situation and unable to resolve the anger. I don't want that for myself.

So, I have been more intentional about noticing what I am thinking. I knew that "how are we going to deal with _____ with Grace" permeated most of our thoughts. But it seems more tangible now. I am noticing just how many times a day and in how many situations I am anticipating conflict...and then remind myself to relax since it isn't coming. 

Suppertime on Thursday? Suppertime I cried. It was just the 3 kids and I. And my kids talked. They talked and they laughed. They LAUGHED. It wasn't tense. There wasn't conflict or accusations or yelling. It.was.peaceful. I don't ever remember a meal with her present that was just...calm. 

Friday we went to see Grace for a visit. We had 1 hour of Family Therapy before 2 hours of a visit with her in a small room with 4 chairs and a small short table. We talked with her for an hour then played Uno for an hour. The long and the short of it is that she is following the rules there for the most part. I was impressed, in front of her therapist, how she took ownership for her choices. I brought up a couple of particularly bad incidents and how they affected the family, and for the first time ever she did not try to deflect the blame to someone else. I started crying and asked her to really think about how she can now, in front of staff who watch ever single breath that she makes, say and do the right things but when she is at home with us she makes very different choices - and therefore what will the transition home look like? In front of the therapist she gave good "sterile" answers but during our private visit she admitted that right now she is "stuffing my emotions and rages" because of the consequences she will get there. That was a huge red flag for us because that is not "resolving" the issues, that is only stuffing it for the moment. The exact issue she has at home. She gets mad at school or with other people and stuffs it until she gets back home with us and - quite frankly traumatizes all of us. I hate to think about it this way but it is like the abusive husband who hates his job so comes home and takes it out on his family. At work everyone would say he is a stand up guy, but at home he verbally and physically berates his family to express the anger he feels toward his job/boss. I think the most hurtful comment we have received through this process so far is "if she only does this at home then it must be a problem with you." 

I left the visit afraid. anxious.

She cannot come home and do what she did again. We cannot survive it. I now far more tangibly and not just intellectually understand how wives feel who have had husbands be hurtful to them (or husbands with their wives). After the men get into therapy and seem to be making changes the wife continues to hang onto the fear of the husband reverting back to old patterns. Watching for "when" he does and not extending grace-with her fears upsetting the balance of healing. Well, that is where I am at. This week my primary issue I am becoming aware of is that I am scared (actually, in all honesty the emotion is far more intense than just "scared") that she will come back and do the same things again. I like living in a house without verbal and physical aggression. I don't want to risk this tenuous calm our house is finally getting to experience. The freedom of our house feeling like a home. 

So, I recognize that I have a long way to go before I am healed enough to have her come back home. We got the tentative discharge date of around December 1. By then we have to know if we will bring her back home or if we will have her go to the year+ program. At this moment it is an impossible decision to make. I am praying that God will make it crystal clear what direction we are to go. We discussed it as a family and hope that we can bring her home with the other program being the plan if she does revert back. I keep trying to find solace in knowing that I don't have to know yet - that I can trust the one who already knows what will happen. 

Reflections on being a Grandma of 2!!!!

Back in July, the day before our 24th anniversary, we were blessed with a grandson. Our granddaughter loves her baby brother, but with her not being two until next month she is loving him in her 1 year old way. It is sweet, fun, and keeps our daughter on her toes!!

I have been thinking about what kind of a grandma that I tend to be and want to be. With our daughter living so close it can be tempting to step in and try to take over. Well, and my personality is one of wanting to...offer advice. I have had to be intentional about how to be a mom to an adult married daughter without crossing boundaries. We have had to redefine our relationship while building a relationship with our son in law and respecting his authority as the head of their home. Then our granddaughter was born and I had to make sure that I was juggling the lines of being available to help our daughter, encouraging our daughter to be independent, and getting to know this new little person who is such a joy! With Bella I found that I wanted to help take care of her because I adore her, but more than that so I can be a help to my daughter. I want to make her life easier.

Now with her having 2 kids under 2? I really want to help as much as I can. That has been a struggle with the issues with Grace...but I am not going to get into that here.

Our grandson has been more laid back than Bella was as an infant, so I am thankful for that blessing for our daughter:) Bella is such an empathetic helper. Teaching her "how" to help is the issue rather than teaching her "to" help. It is such a blessing to see the fruits of our daughter's loving parenting of her children:) We are still trying to help as much as we can. Sometimes we go a week without seeing them. Sometimes we get to see them several times a week. I am so thankful for the blessing of them living close and we can help them out. In an effort to respect their own lives I find that I am trying to stop and think twice about any advice or suggestions I give - stopping to assess if I am taking over. When I tell my daughter "you are a married adult and their mom so do what you think is best, you don't need my approval" I want to actually mean it!

So there is the balance of parenting an adult married child, but what kind of grandma do I want to be? As I have reflected back about my own grandmothers I have been struck by the fact that my grandmothers were both very very different people. My paternal grandmother was very matter of fact and her interactions with me were mostly about what she could teach me (she was a teacher back in the day of one room school houses and as soon as a teacher married they could not teach anymore-- much to her disgruntlement). Most of those lessons had to do with food as I recall lol! Like how to make a tuna fish sandwich and have it out to the field at exactly 4:00 p.m. so my dad and grandpa could have their break with minimal disruption to the farming. Or how to keep the butter wrappers in the fridge for the next time one had to grease a pan so there was no waste of the butter that was left on the wrapping. Or how to cut 1/2 of the edge of a plastic lid to use as a scraper from a bowl (rather than using a spatula). It is odd that I don't really remember eating much of her food, except for rice krispie bars or scalloped potatoes lol.

Anyway, my maternal grandmother was very different. I remember her being all about hugs, rocking, a soft soothing voice, calming me when I was scared or anxious (which I was a lot), holding me in a blanket while watching fireworks, and delicious food that I got to eat. And the extended family picnics at the park!!! I don't think I ever cooked with her, but I remember her introducing me to Kix for the first time lol! Bacon and eggs for breakfasts. Hot delicious homemade dinner rolls that would be cooling on the counter and I would sneak MANY off to eat (I was too short to even see the counter - I would just grab and eat what I could reach lol!). I never remember her telling me no more. Homemade noodles for chicken noodle soup. Big meals. And Lefse. The one food that, as an adult when I asked, she taught me how to make and I have taught my children to make.

It is ironic to me that I am my paternal grandmother with my children but my maternal grandmother with my grand kids. That is particularly noticeable when 5 of our 6 kids still live in our house and they point out the discrepancies lol! I have talked to my parents and my aunts about the differences in how I see my grandmothers and how they were as parents and there were definitely differences with them too, so I know I am not the only one who treats the grand kids with a softer touch;)

I have wondered why I do that. It is not like I have more time on my hands or am an empty nester craving the companionship of a child - I still have 5 kids at home! I think part of it is getting to focus on the joy of a child without the responsibility of the outcome;) However, the discrepancy is also making me focus more on trying to have more fun times with our kids. Our home has been so difficult for so long that I have hunkered down into survival mode and focused on just doing the next thing. Joy has not been a part of our life for a long time. Therefore, I am thankful for how the grand kids bring laughter and joy,  and the reminder to lighten up a little. I want my grand kids AND my kids to remember that I taught them essentials about life alongside the joy, silliness, smiles, and laughter.

Well, I had better go get the cookies out of the oven. I have already made more cookies for my 23 month old granddaughter than I have ever made for any of the other kids lol!!

Week 1 - Transition

We dropped Grace off at the facility last Wednesday. It was a hard day, but it went better than I had expected that it would. Thank you all for your prayers for her and for our family!

I am going to try to write about each week of this journey. I want to be very intentional about our healing during this time and not just move on with life. We very much feel that for the past decade Hurricane Grace has battered our family/ship and we have been in survival mode. Now that she is gone we are looking around and realizing how much damage, repairs, and updating that our ship needs. It is daunting task. We have defined our life by Grace's behavior on what we can and can't do for so long that now that the hurricane is gone we have sat stunned by the calm and trying to figure out how to best move forward. We could avoid the damage and just carry on. We could get into task mode and just work on fixing "things." Or we could be intentional about repairing the structures of our boat - which we see as the relationships and dynamics of our family members. Saturday my husband and I had the opportunity for a few hours of drive time alone (really the only time we ever get for uninterrupted conversation lol) and we talked through some goals we want to reach and how to start working on those goals for our family. We did devotions and spent time in the Word trying to identify big picture goals. We have set our heading and now are trying to get in working order so we can move forward.

Admittedly, though, that is hard. We feel shock from her being gone, guilt that we like the calm of her being gone, overwhelmed from the reality of what repairs need to be done physically and relationally, and some resentment over how bad things are.

The days leading up to Grace leaving we spent watching movies, our favorite TV shows, eating her favorite meals, and snuggling. We wanted to be sure that she knew that going to treatment was not a discipline or punishment, but a needed opportunity to help her in ways that clearly we cannot do at home. She was pretty emotional about it and did not want to talk about it with us or with others. She, like many people, is a master of avoiding real issues. While I believe those days were necessary for our relationship with Grace, doing those things affected the other kids in a negative way. I think from their perspective they saw "Grace has to leave the house due to her choices" and "mom and dad are crying, sad and giving her everything she wants for these 3 days" was difficult for them to reconcile. I do not know how we could have done it differently though:(

All of us have struggled. JJ was initially more rageful and angry than usual. He had slept through the night since February - and then didn't sleep through the night in his own bed for a week. He has for the past 2 days though - yay!! His anxiety is very high (and I am very tired!!). Faith has withdrawn and been more emotional. We have had some pretty hard conversations with her and she has surprised me some with how she is processing this. Superman has been working overtime in his "peacekeeper" role in our family joking and trying to keep people laughing. Beautiful has been both heartbroken herself and has been trying hard to connect with and sooth my heart - as well as Grace's in phone calls. Even our emotionally level "lets be logical about everything" Buddy has felt the discord and gave Grace a pep talk before she left about learning what she needs to so that she can come home soon. He even gave her a hug!! Everyone in our family knows that Buddy doesn't touch anyone (although he does enjoy a good wrestle with the boys and will be very physically playful and hold his niece and nephew;).

My husband and I? We are the ones who had to make the decision so there is the burden of knowing we made this hard decision, and the relief of knowing that she is in the right place.

I think that all of us are struggling internally with the utter relief of having a peaceful home for the first time in 13 years. And then feeling guilty that we are relieved because that means that one of our own isn't at home. I am still triggering many times a day. First thing in the morning, after school, and bedtime were the worst times of the day so I find that I am "preparing" my mind for those times and then remind myself that I don't have to. Every time someone mentions "when Grace comes back" we all stand around and look at each other afraid to hope it may actually be better and afraid that we will get the reprieve just to get hit by another storm again.

My body is really sore. I finally figured out that I am always holding my body so tense preparing for the next wave of the hurricane that now that I don't have to I hurt. Several times I day I practice relaxing my muscles. I had no idea how much tension I was constantly holding. Also, my blood pressure got to its highest point about a month ago and is now back to normal:)

Grace is allowed 1 phone call in a day and one phone call out. So we talk to her 1-2 times a day (depending on if she calls us or Beautiful for her phone call). The first 3 days were tough. She cried and begged us to come and get her. She kept insisting that the program wasn't the right one for her. Finally on Friday I told her that the program was excellent and it wasn't about the program being "right" for her, but that she was responsible for working the program. I told her it was the very last option and she had a choice if she was going to make it work or not. Saturday and Sunday the phone calls were more mature. In fact, Saturday I had the most mature conversation with her - ever. She actually took ownership for her behavior and didn't blame it on someone else. Hallelujah Jesus!!!

I don't know what the future holds but we are trying to set our goals, focus on what is most important, restore and rebuild/build healthier relationships and dynamics within the family, and trust that God will work it all out in the end. We are so thankful for the support and encouragement of so many people!

When "yes" is Bittersweet

Friday, after 6 weeks of waiting, we were told "yes." I do not know if I have ever had a "yes" be so bittersweet.

I am not really even sure what my thought process is and I am struggling to slow down my thoughts and rein in my emotions enough to even know how to answer the questions "how are you doing" and "how can we help" when we are asked.

Grace has been accepted to the residential program that we applied to 6 weeks ago. She leaves tomorrow. Tomorrow.

On the one hand I am so hopeful that she may finally get the help that she needs after we have exhausted every other option available and known to us. On the other hand I am so broken hearted that she will not be here with us for, most likely, quite a while.

On the one hand I am so frustrated that it took 6 weeks to get the approval. On the other hand I know I needed the 6 weeks to really know that she needed to get this level of treatment or I may have backed out - to Grace's and our family's detriment.

On the one hand I am emotional and sad that she has to leave for a time to get help. On the other hand I am, quite honestly, so angry that she has to leave for a time to get help. Why couldn't she get better while saying with us?

On the one hand she sobs in my arms upset that she has to go. On the other hand she will not stop doing the things she does and now has left us no choice - despite being told for the past 2 years that this was the path she was on.

On the one hand I have so very many thoughts and emotions that need to be sorted. On the other hand I just can't...

Ironically I have thought of when JJ was born. It was such an incredibly exciting time for us to adopt him. I loved getting to know his birth mom briefly in the hospital and to get to take pictures of them together for him to have. I remember being confused why she wouldn't smile for the pictures with him - shouldn't she want to have smiling pictures for him? After we got home though I realized what a short-sighted fool I was. Yes, it was a joyous day for us. But it was a very bittersweet time for her. She was giving her son the hope for a future knowing she couldn't do it herself. But that meant that she couldn't do it with him. A choice that required her to trust God and us to provide everything that he needed without any direction from her. Exactly what we are facing right now.

I am also wondering if the day we had to hand Superman and Faith's little sister back to HHS after we were told we couldn't adopt her since closer biological family was found (to date the worst day of my life) will rank easier or harder than walking out of that facility with out Grace on tomorrow.

Just because someone is making the right and necessary decision does not mean that it is a joy filled or easy one.

Thank you for walking this journey with us. Thank you for caring enough to check the update on how this process is going. Thank you for not judging us.

Please pray for Grace. Pray for them to get to the heart of the real issue and have the wisdom and finesse to address it effectively. Pray that she does not feel abandoned by us for making this decision. Please pray for her safety. She is so naive and immature we are all so worried that she will be taken advantage of by others.

Also pray for the rest of our family as we transition. It is hard on all of us. Last night as Grace hugged her big sister and niece and nephew goodbye we are all wondering when they will see her again. Will she get to come home for Bella's birthday? For holidays? We will have to drive there often as the programming requires us as parents to be involved. We are thankful for that but it is a huge time commitment. That takes us away from the other kids too. Throughout the course of this process my husband and I have been on the same page of what needs to happen...but we have also been the most emotionally disconnected that we have been since our first decade of marriage. This situation is taking its toll on us and we need to find time and ways to reconnect. All of us need to find ways to reconnect and find a new normal that is healthy and peaceful. The other kids are acting up as Wednesday approaches. All of our emotions are all over the place and we need to settle.

I guess to sum it up - this is not easy. We finally got the help we have been asking for, but that does not mean that the journey is now smooth and joyous. I am working hard to reframe this situation in my mind as an opportunity and not a tragedy. Sometimes I get there, sometimes not. Your prayers help so please don't forget about us.

I am so thankful for our sovereign and powerful God. Trusting in the Lord...

Lessons in waiting, rejection, and waiting again...

We had the interview for the long term residential program last week. We were told that we would be notified by Friday afternoon one way or the other. We were not. It was a very hard weekend not knowing what was going to happen. To be standing at a crossroads, not entirely committed in my heart to either road, and not having answers to make the decision was very hard on me. My health has been affected by this long-term stress in not great ways. I am having to be intentional about how to handle the bodily stress in healthy ways while still living with the reality of the stressful situations. The help we are getting in respite from our friends, reading, talking honestly about our situation, exercise, healthy eating, time in the Word, prayer, (and my "me" time getting to enjoy our hot tub ideally without interruptions by disgruntled children lol) are all helping.

The weekend was really difficult. I have learned that I need a Sunday nap. I really, really need it. My whole family knows that we plan nothing for Sunday, no one comes over, no one gets hauled anywhere, it is just down time. A sabbath. And I take a nap. It is the only time of the week when I actually get to sleep without worrying about a kid. My husband is awake and dealing with them so I don't have to keep an "ear" out for them. It is the deepest sleep I get all week. 1-2 hours of real sleep. Except that for the past 2 Sundays I laid there for 2 hours trying to sleep, even took the sleep spray that puts Grace and JJ to sleep, and still my brain spun with "what are we going to do?!?!?" So I spent the time praying and surrendering it all to God. I was so worried that Grace's problems wouldn't be seen as significant enough for anyone to help us. I was worried the people would say that we are being dramatic about asking for help saying "she is just 13" and they wouldn't help us. If so, then what?

Monday - no information.

Tuesday - we were informed that Grace was denied for the program. But not for the reason that I worried about. She was denied because her behavior is too extreme for their program. On the one hand that was very frustrating and I went back to "now what?!" I finally asked for help and now I am being told no. On the other hand it was validating to know that her behavior is, in fact, as disruptive as we think it is. It is not just that she is "a 13 year old girl."

What is next? There are different levels of treatment at the agency we are looking at, depending on need. We had applied to a 12-15ish month residential program where she would be living family style with 7 other same gendered kids ages 10 -18, going to school, having structure and rules, consequences and rewards, etc.  The next level of treatment would be more of a therapeutic group home. Above that is Residential Treatment Center which is a locked hospital like setting where kids stay 60-90 days and are provided with structure, supervision, school, and therapy. Then there is the psych hospital setting that most people think of where a person goes in if they are imminently suicidal/homicidal, meds are adjusted, coping skills are taught, and they are back home in around a week maybe helped, maybe not (I deal with this a lot in my work). An application has been submitted to a Residential Treatment Center since that is what was recommended by the person who turned Grace down for their program, and now we are back to...waiting...

I have a lot of peace about where the process is right now. I think that I needed the weekend to really come to grips with accepting that this was really happening. To accept that this is really what Grace needs and not have guilt over it. Most people have been overwhelming supportive of us in this process. There have really only been 2 people who have vocalized any dissent. I am thankful for that. My thoughts are that until a person has lived in our shoes and understands, then that person needs to keep his/her comments to his/herself unless s/he is truly trying to understand.

In the mean time she has had a pretty good week. I think that after the interview last week the reality of what is being considered is really making her aware of where her choices have gotten her. School started yesterday and normally mornings are a nightmare. But she had two good mornings. Two consecutive mornings. I am learning to accept those gifts when they come:) I decided yesterday that I would sit down when they started eating breakfast and read devotions until they have to brush their teeth and get in the car to go. That way I am trying to help them get their thoughts focused correctly, and I am minimizing the chance of them fighting while still in the house since I am not allowing them to talk lol! Maybe it will only last 2 days, but 2 days is more than 0:) This morning she was really trying to fight but allowed me to shut it down. That is progress:)

Another piece of this that would have been talked about for sure in my Gaslighting post is that we have not one, but 2 daughters with RAD. It has been a toss up depending on the day on which daughter needed to be considered for a higher level of treatment. Faith meets the criteria for going to the long term program. She has improved over the summer. However, school is a HUGE temptation for her as she gets so many more freedoms than at home. Now that school has resumed we will wait and see if she was just biding her time or not. Interestingly we had 3 different people ask us last week "why did you send in the application for Grace and not Faith?" Grace's behavior rules our house and every outing we make but she keeps it in the family.  Faith's behavior happens out in public where others witness it and are hurt by it.

So, she has been informed that if she does any of the behavior at school she has done in the past 2 years that her application will be going in. She is less than excited...

Often I say to myself, "I must be horrible at this parenting thing since I have 2 daughters so out of control!" Then I remind myself that I have raised 2 kids to adulthood who are doing well, and I have 2 sons that are doing fine. I can't control their choices. I can't control what they believe about themselves and the world. I can't really control anything lol!

It is that letting go that I have really settled into the past few days. I know in part it is due to your prayers. Wednesday I finally got that nap I so desperately needed. My brain finally slowed down enough to let me sleep. It seemed to reset my brain as I am now in a "it will all work out" mindset. Before that, well, let's just say that my husband was giving me not so subtle hints that I was losing my mind before that;)

Tonight we are all going out for supper for JJ's birthday. Well, the 4 youngest kids and my husband and I. I am stressed about how Grace will do and if she will...do what she does. Normally I would say, "uh, let's see if she can stay home with Buddy and get to bed on time" or "I wonder if someone can keep for her until bedtime." But, we are going to try it. I literally get nauseated every time I think of going somewhere with her in a vehicle when we can't get home in 15 minutes if the situation goes south. But, we will try it. Hope springs eternal, right?;)

Thankful for Help:)

I am so thankful for a couple of women who have been so helpful in providing us with respite. Last November I met with a friend who offered, then insisted, that she help. I don't like asking for help. I don't like admitting that I need help. I don't like bothering other people with "my" problems. So accepting help? That is hard for me. Thankfully she didn't take no for an answer. She has taken Grace many times over the past 9 months and it has helped to give us a break. 

Last month "things" got worse. Another woman came alongside us too and helped to take Grace even more. In the past month there were only maybe a weeks worth of days that we had her all day and she didn't go with one of those women. We were so thankful that she had a sleepover one night. That allowed me to go out to a movie with my oldest child and for us to go celebrate our youngest's birthday the next day drama free. 

That respite didn't necessarily help our daughter's behavior at home, but it was so helpful for the peace in the home and our productivity since we could get more done than just referee. It also helped my peace of mind when I worked long days and worried about my husband home doing it all alone.

If you know someone who looks like they need help, offer. Then, if they are really stubborn like I am, insist. Don't say "can I bring you a meal?" Say, "What night can I bring a pan of lasagna." 

Don't say, "can I help?" Say, "What can I do?"

Don't say, "can I take your child sometime?" Say, "What day this week would work for me to take your child for a bit?" (or mow your lawn, or whatever the person may need). 

Because some of us keep thinking we don't need help. Some of us are too stubborn for our own good. Some of us think it makes us a failure to ask for or accept help. Some of us don't want to bother other people with our problems. 

Thanks for praying. Thanks for offers of prayers. But if you feel led to physically help someone, insist. They will (eventually;) appreciate it:)

My Heart Is Breaking...

In December 2017 I wrote http://aeiour.blogspot.com/2017/12/being-very-very-real-about-our.html blog. We had moments since then that were promising...for short periods of time. I just kept thinking, "one more intervention." "one more try." "one more day." "one more..."  But when I sat down to write http://aeiour.blogspot.com/2019/07/my-current-struggle-with-process-versus.html blog post my journal opened to the top page which was the 2017 post. I was so disheartened that the exact same problems we were having then...are happening now. There has been no overall improvement in all of that time. Reactive Attachment Disorder sucks. That is as eloquent as I can make it.

My heart is breaking being in this position. The position of having to make a decision if our home is the best option for Grace, or if she needs to go to residential care for a time. If her remaining in our home at this time is good for the other kids. For those of you who have seen the movie "Sophia's Choice" when the mom has to make an immediate decision in the concentration camp of giving her son or daughter to the Nazi's?  That is what I feel like. Although, of course, residential care is not a physical death chamber - I still worry about the psychological repercussions for her. There is absolutely no easy decision. There is no win. My mind swirls with all of the "what ifs" and I just want to run away from the decision and not make it. I want to curl up in a dark closet and not think about it. I want it to "just be better." I am desperate for someone to just tell me what to do. To promise me that "this" decision will result in unicorn and rainbow outcomes. I don't care if the process is hard, I just want a good outcome! But, as I posted about earlier this week I know that is not a promised outcome. I keep reminding myself of that. Often.

Today we are going in for an interview to see if the agency will accept her into their residential program. I can't stop worrying about how to make this decision.

What if she is accepted and she leaves?
What if she isn't accepted and she stays?
What if just one more day, one more intervention, one more hug will make all of the difference?
What if she stays and nothing ever changes?
What if she goes and nothing ever changes?
What if she leaves and feels rejected and abandoned by us?
What if she stays and our other kids feel rejected and abandoned because we didn't protect them?
What if she goes and someone hurts her?
What if she stays and keeps hurting our other kids?
What if I am a terrible mom for even considering this option?
What if I am a terrible mom because I didn't pursue this sooner because I thought that "I" could make it better?
What if I make the WRONG decision?!?!


But it is not an "I." It is a "we." I am so thankful for my husband who is willing to listen to my fears and calm me. To remind me that we are a team and I am not alone. To remind me that he is the stay at home dad and deals with the brunt of the issues and is therefore very informed on the issues involved in making this decision. God is also very clearly present and helping guide us. We also have many friends who understand and are supporting us.

Lord, please make the path we are to take clear. Very clear. Thank you for knowing the outcome, and the process. Thank you for being trustworthy. Thank you for being sovereign. And thank you for blessing me with a husband who follows and trusts you and is the perfect partner for me in this difficult role of parenting.