We dropped Grace off at the facility last Wednesday. It was a hard day, but it went better than I had expected that it would. Thank you all for your prayers for her and for our family!
I am going to try to write about each week of this journey. I want to be very intentional about our healing during this time and not just move on with life. We very much feel that for the past decade Hurricane Grace has battered our family/ship and we have been in survival mode. Now that she is gone we are looking around and realizing how much damage, repairs, and updating that our ship needs. It is daunting task. We have defined our life by Grace's behavior on what we can and can't do for so long that now that the hurricane is gone we have sat stunned by the calm and trying to figure out how to best move forward. We could avoid the damage and just carry on. We could get into task mode and just work on fixing "things." Or we could be intentional about repairing the structures of our boat - which we see as the relationships and dynamics of our family members. Saturday my husband and I had the opportunity for a few hours of drive time alone (really the only time we ever get for uninterrupted conversation lol) and we talked through some goals we want to reach and how to start working on those goals for our family. We did devotions and spent time in the Word trying to identify big picture goals. We have set our heading and now are trying to get in working order so we can move forward.
Admittedly, though, that is hard. We feel shock from her being gone, guilt that we like the calm of her being gone, overwhelmed from the reality of what repairs need to be done physically and relationally, and some resentment over how bad things are.
The days leading up to Grace leaving we spent watching movies, our favorite TV shows, eating her favorite meals, and snuggling. We wanted to be sure that she knew that going to treatment was not a discipline or punishment, but a needed opportunity to help her in ways that clearly we cannot do at home. She was pretty emotional about it and did not want to talk about it with us or with others. She, like many people, is a master of avoiding real issues. While I believe those days were necessary for our relationship with Grace, doing those things affected the other kids in a negative way. I think from their perspective they saw "Grace has to leave the house due to her choices" and "mom and dad are crying, sad and giving her everything she wants for these 3 days" was difficult for them to reconcile. I do not know how we could have done it differently though:(
All of us have struggled. JJ was initially more rageful and angry than usual. He had slept through the night since February - and then didn't sleep through the night in his own bed for a week. He has for the past 2 days though - yay!! His anxiety is very high (and I am very tired!!). Faith has withdrawn and been more emotional. We have had some pretty hard conversations with her and she has surprised me some with how she is processing this. Superman has been working overtime in his "peacekeeper" role in our family joking and trying to keep people laughing. Beautiful has been both heartbroken herself and has been trying hard to connect with and sooth my heart - as well as Grace's in phone calls. Even our emotionally level "lets be logical about everything" Buddy has felt the discord and gave Grace a pep talk before she left about learning what she needs to so that she can come home soon. He even gave her a hug!! Everyone in our family knows that Buddy doesn't touch anyone (although he does enjoy a good wrestle with the boys and will be very physically playful and hold his niece and nephew;).
My husband and I? We are the ones who had to make the decision so there is the burden of knowing we made this hard decision, and the relief of knowing that she is in the right place.
I think that all of us are struggling internally with the utter relief of having a peaceful home for the first time in 13 years. And then feeling guilty that we are relieved because that means that one of our own isn't at home. I am still triggering many times a day. First thing in the morning, after school, and bedtime were the worst times of the day so I find that I am "preparing" my mind for those times and then remind myself that I don't have to. Every time someone mentions "when Grace comes back" we all stand around and look at each other afraid to hope it may actually be better and afraid that we will get the reprieve just to get hit by another storm again.
My body is really sore. I finally figured out that I am always holding my body so tense preparing for the next wave of the hurricane that now that I don't have to I hurt. Several times I day I practice relaxing my muscles. I had no idea how much tension I was constantly holding. Also, my blood pressure got to its highest point about a month ago and is now back to normal:)
Grace is allowed 1 phone call in a day and one phone call out. So we talk to her 1-2 times a day (depending on if she calls us or Beautiful for her phone call). The first 3 days were tough. She cried and begged us to come and get her. She kept insisting that the program wasn't the right one for her. Finally on Friday I told her that the program was excellent and it wasn't about the program being "right" for her, but that she was responsible for working the program. I told her it was the very last option and she had a choice if she was going to make it work or not. Saturday and Sunday the phone calls were more mature. In fact, Saturday I had the most mature conversation with her - ever. She actually took ownership for her behavior and didn't blame it on someone else. Hallelujah Jesus!!!
I don't know what the future holds but we are trying to set our goals, focus on what is most important, restore and rebuild/build healthier relationships and dynamics within the family, and trust that God will work it all out in the end. We are so thankful for the support and encouragement of so many people!
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