When "yes" is Bittersweet

Friday, after 6 weeks of waiting, we were told "yes." I do not know if I have ever had a "yes" be so bittersweet.

I am not really even sure what my thought process is and I am struggling to slow down my thoughts and rein in my emotions enough to even know how to answer the questions "how are you doing" and "how can we help" when we are asked.

Grace has been accepted to the residential program that we applied to 6 weeks ago. She leaves tomorrow. Tomorrow.

On the one hand I am so hopeful that she may finally get the help that she needs after we have exhausted every other option available and known to us. On the other hand I am so broken hearted that she will not be here with us for, most likely, quite a while.

On the one hand I am so frustrated that it took 6 weeks to get the approval. On the other hand I know I needed the 6 weeks to really know that she needed to get this level of treatment or I may have backed out - to Grace's and our family's detriment.

On the one hand I am emotional and sad that she has to leave for a time to get help. On the other hand I am, quite honestly, so angry that she has to leave for a time to get help. Why couldn't she get better while saying with us?

On the one hand she sobs in my arms upset that she has to go. On the other hand she will not stop doing the things she does and now has left us no choice - despite being told for the past 2 years that this was the path she was on.

On the one hand I have so very many thoughts and emotions that need to be sorted. On the other hand I just can't...

Ironically I have thought of when JJ was born. It was such an incredibly exciting time for us to adopt him. I loved getting to know his birth mom briefly in the hospital and to get to take pictures of them together for him to have. I remember being confused why she wouldn't smile for the pictures with him - shouldn't she want to have smiling pictures for him? After we got home though I realized what a short-sighted fool I was. Yes, it was a joyous day for us. But it was a very bittersweet time for her. She was giving her son the hope for a future knowing she couldn't do it herself. But that meant that she couldn't do it with him. A choice that required her to trust God and us to provide everything that he needed without any direction from her. Exactly what we are facing right now.

I am also wondering if the day we had to hand Superman and Faith's little sister back to HHS after we were told we couldn't adopt her since closer biological family was found (to date the worst day of my life) will rank easier or harder than walking out of that facility with out Grace on tomorrow.

Just because someone is making the right and necessary decision does not mean that it is a joy filled or easy one.

Thank you for walking this journey with us. Thank you for caring enough to check the update on how this process is going. Thank you for not judging us.

Please pray for Grace. Pray for them to get to the heart of the real issue and have the wisdom and finesse to address it effectively. Pray that she does not feel abandoned by us for making this decision. Please pray for her safety. She is so naive and immature we are all so worried that she will be taken advantage of by others.

Also pray for the rest of our family as we transition. It is hard on all of us. Last night as Grace hugged her big sister and niece and nephew goodbye we are all wondering when they will see her again. Will she get to come home for Bella's birthday? For holidays? We will have to drive there often as the programming requires us as parents to be involved. We are thankful for that but it is a huge time commitment. That takes us away from the other kids too. Throughout the course of this process my husband and I have been on the same page of what needs to happen...but we have also been the most emotionally disconnected that we have been since our first decade of marriage. This situation is taking its toll on us and we need to find time and ways to reconnect. All of us need to find ways to reconnect and find a new normal that is healthy and peaceful. The other kids are acting up as Wednesday approaches. All of our emotions are all over the place and we need to settle.

I guess to sum it up - this is not easy. We finally got the help we have been asking for, but that does not mean that the journey is now smooth and joyous. I am working hard to reframe this situation in my mind as an opportunity and not a tragedy. Sometimes I get there, sometimes not. Your prayers help so please don't forget about us.

I am so thankful for our sovereign and powerful God. Trusting in the Lord...