I have written this post 6 different times over the past 2 months. At first I was so angry at what was going on but didn't want to write a post about anger - so I waited. Then I re-wrote it but I was despairing and it seemed to come across as whining - so I waited. Then I posted again from a place of helplessness - but again didn't want to come across as complaining. Then I felt like we were in a slightly better place so I thought I would try again. But now it is bad again. I guess I want people to know that if they have a hard home life, they are not alone. But I also want our friends to know that we are not ignoring them out of just having better things to do. We miss your friendship. We miss spending time with you. But supervising and parenting our kids is necessary during this season as we face making difficult decisions.
I have wanted to become a Psychologist since I was 7. I didn't know the name of it but I knew what I wanted to become. However, as a teenager I became aware of domestic violence and the difficulty that women have in leaving their abusers. That they blame themselves, they think that the abuser is acting better or said they are sorry so will be better next time, and they don't think their situation would really be better if they left. I almost decided not to become a Psychologist when I learned about these dynamics because I didn't think I could have the patience to work with someone who chose to stay in the dysfunction.
Now I understand. Of course the dynamic is different between same age partners compared to parents and children, but many of the cycles are the same.
I share today not to humiliate my children. Grace's grandparent's have stopped having any contact with her because (they say) that I was too open and honest about Grace's behavior. So I have hidden the realities of our life from most people since that time and grieved that Grace lost that connection with her grandparents because of my desire to be real with people. But today I choose to share anyway because I want to be authentic and real (even though I am extremely uncomfortable being vulnerable like this). Parenting is hard. Parenting kids from hard places is traumatic, exhausting, and leaves me feeling like I know nothing. All of the training, conferences, coursework, and degrees that I have do not make this any easier to cope with and do not help me find answers to make any of this better.
It has also left us very isolated. There are some people we are real with, but most people don't understand why we never invite them over, don't pursue time out with them (after all, our kids are no longer nursing or toddlers or even young, so why in the world can't we leave to go get coffee, etc??), why when we are in public we can't just relax and enjoy a conversation because we have to constantly know where our children are at, who they are with, or what they are doing. Why Grace has to be in bed by 7 p.m. or else the world may end. We have even had to make the decision that she can't attend Awana because she gets home too late and is too wound up leading to huge emotional meltdowns those nights and the next morning. Even if we have been real with people I don't think anyone can really understand what it is like to be in our home.
For example, on Wednesday we had a day that was out of routine. To make a long story short (be glad that you aren't reading version 5 of this post lol!) JJ triggered and for the next 4 hours Buddy and I had to restrain, calm, and modulate JJ to get him back to regulated emotions. This used to happen 5 times day. Now it happens maybe twice a month. Better...but still unpredictable and exhausting - not to mention very time consuming.
Our daughters are our biggest source of anxiety at this time. They are both very different in their behaviors but they are both very destructive. We have to patch holes in walls and ceilings. We have to repurchase broken items. We have to closely monitor for stealing. We have to verify every piece of information due to lying. We have to protect other kids from violence. We have to restrict behavior, highly structure activities, and have cameras in our home to make sure that we know exactly what is happening in our home. All of that pales in comparison to the vicious venom that one of our daughters spew that is like a millions shards of glass exploding into all present. It is by far the worst part of all of it.
I find that I am like the domestic violence victim. I blame myself. "If only" is a game I often play in my head. I beat myself up that I am not good enough and am not the right mom for them. Version 5 of the post has a long list of all of the ways I feel inadequate, but I don't need to bore you with my ramblings... Then I see good behavior for a few hours or a couple of days and I think we finally turned a real corner. Or they apologize and promise it will never happen again.
Things are getting so out of control that we have considered that maybe we are not the best placement for them and they need to go somewhere else and get additional help. We have had professionals advise us to do so.
That absolutely kills me and adds to my feeling that I am doing the "Mom" thing wrong.
Then I ask myself what is their culpability in this? With the trauma they experienced before adoption and the neurological issues they have no control over, what are the realistic expectations I can have of them? I don't know! I go back and forth with what I "should" be able to expect from them. I can't believe that I "should" not be able to expect that my child won't threaten me with the police or physical violence. I "should" be able to expect that my other children don't have to worry about physical harm to them or listen to absolute rageful venom coming out of her mouth. Telling your sibling that s/he doesn't belong and we don't really love him/her, we just put up with them? Seriously??!! That undid months of trust building work.
On the other hand, the trauma that the rest of us go through because of not only the behavior of the girls (and JJ to a lesser degree) but the lack of peace on our home, the fun experiences we have to forgo because we can't trust the girls in that setting, or the trauma of trying experiences to have it be a horrible outcome is overwhelming. What are we doing to the other kids by having them stay in a setting like this? My oldest son is a Senior and I absolutely grieve at what we have missed out on over the past 10 years with him because of these issues!
When I was advised by two professionals that it is time for Grace to go to a more structured setting. I wanted to vent and rail and say "no! some new intervention can happen first! We can hold out a little longer! I don't want her to feel rejected and abandoned!!"
But, how long do we wait? If we wait too long she will be too close to the age of majority and we won't have any options left and will have failed her by not pursuing a higher level of intervention sooner.
But if she leaves that makes me feel like I have given up on her. It will scare the other kids that we will "get rid of" them too. There is just no right answer.
My years of working in Corrections and foster care taught me that the system is very broken. I don't trust it to have the girls' and our family's best interest in heart. It is very hard for me to look to that broken system and hope that it will help. Yet, I don't know what else to do at this point. Professionals telling me Grace needs to be out of the home for now. The Sheriff telling me I need to pursue "Uncontrollable Juvenile" papers.
A month ago I sat the 4 youngest down and talked to them about what was happening. I explained that we have done everything we can for the girls but they won't choose different behavior, so maybe they need a higher level of care than we can give them. Maybe they need to live elsewhere for a time. I told them that I have decided that I have to trust God with their future and if their behavior continues I will start the process of letting other authorities decide what is best for them (call the police and let whatever happens next happen) and trust God to navigate that system for them - in an attempt for Him to get their attention and draw them to Him. It was an extremely emotional conversation for me to have with them and the boys cuddled up to me to comfort me. That was humbling.
However, when the conversation was over I asked them each what they thought. While Grace just said she will stop (she says that when she is not raging, but it doesn't stop the next one from happening) Faith took that conversation as me saying I was giving up on her and was very wounded by it. JJ said he doesn't want anyone to leave. Then Superman spoke up and emotionally said that he has already lost his whole family and doesn't think that he can handle losing more sisters.
That slayed me. Slayed me.
I don't know what to do! I month ago (before the conversation I just wrote about) Grace was raging against us and pushed Superman, I stepped in to protect Superman. We have to protect the kids from her. Thankfully she is so much smaller than the rest of the kids - so far. But we can't always be present. What about the times we are not present? That happens too often when we can't step in to protect. However, there is no protection from her words. They are like a million shards of glass that spray out to harm all who can hear her.
She never does this for others. When I think of her culpability it hurts to know that she only does this around us. Like it is personal against us. She never ever has problems at school. She doesn't act out for the few people we have let her spend time with (only adults). It is only at home. That hurts! One Saturday a couple of months ago she was TERRIBLE! Way over and above her normal behavior. Around 4 in the afternoon I was trying to figure out what in the world was wrong and realized that I had gotten her up that morning and not my husband so we were out of routine. My husband's routine is to give her her medications - and I DIDN'T!! There was no doubt that her behavior is substantially helped by the medication. She is on the meds during school time. They don't take effect until she leaves for school and they wear off by supper. Mornings and evenings are a nightmare. So, what does that do with culpability? But our other kids have a right to live in a house where we are not hurt by her verbally or physically, don't they??!?!?! The answer is likely "both." She has some of the behavior due to her neurological issues and some she chooses. How do we know which is which and therefore how to intervene successfully??!?!?!
Argggg. Again, helpless and frustrated.
Lost. Afraid of the future. Afraid for the girls' future. Afraid for the other 4 kids. For the grandbaby.
I am tired of being afraid...I am tired of being torn in 2 and not knowing what direction I am to take.
I have a job where many emotional topics are brought up. I don't cry when other's are crying. I can keep my emotions under wraps. The day Grace went after Superman I cried 3 times. At work. I was a mess.
Some people may say that I shouldn't hang our "dirty laundry" out publicly. However, I think there is more damage when people try to pretend to be something they are not. We don't have it all together. Our family is not perfect. I am not perfect. We are hurting. We are confused. I am not hopeless because I know that I can trust God with whatever the outcome is here, but I sure am not liking the process...
I also want people to know that we are not ignoring them! Our life is really wrapped up in containing kids right now. We feel like prison wardens that require a 24/7 detailed watch of our kids. And they still figure out ways to do ridiculous things. That kind of commitment doesn't allow for any fostering of friendships. I am so thankful that my husband, as the stay at home dad, gets to go hunting at least once a week. He has his friends through hunting and gets to get out of the house. I try to allow for those opportunities for him as much as my schedule allows. He is in the thick of it constantly. At least I get to leave for work.
We have an appointment set up in a week with a psychiatric nurse to look at med changes for Grace and setting up counseling with a therapist I trust. That gives me some hope. Maybe unrealistic hope...but hope none-the-less. Since our talk a month ago I would say that the frequency of behaviors is about 1/2 (but the venomous intensity is still just as horrible when it does happen). We write down the behavior daily so we can take it to the appointment. So maybe things will get better. Maybe not. I don't have any answers at this time. Right now I feel like I am just gaining documentation from other professionals so that when it comes time to have to make different living arrangements for them that I have a paper trail of everything that we have tried so we can justify to an insurance company why one or both of the girls need a therapeutic residential placement somewhere. Then I feel like a terrible mother for even thinking that.
I don't trust that the kids will choose to change. I don't trust that I know how to intervene or that a different intervention will even make a difference. But I do trust that God has this situation covered, has a reason for it, and has a plan. Even if it is His will that nothing changes for the next 50 years, I do trust Him. That is all that gets me through each day...and it is enough:)
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