My Heart Is Breaking...

In December 2017 I wrote http://aeiour.blogspot.com/2017/12/being-very-very-real-about-our.html blog. We had moments since then that were promising...for short periods of time. I just kept thinking, "one more intervention." "one more try." "one more day." "one more..."  But when I sat down to write http://aeiour.blogspot.com/2019/07/my-current-struggle-with-process-versus.html blog post my journal opened to the top page which was the 2017 post. I was so disheartened that the exact same problems we were having then...are happening now. There has been no overall improvement in all of that time. Reactive Attachment Disorder sucks. That is as eloquent as I can make it.

My heart is breaking being in this position. The position of having to make a decision if our home is the best option for Grace, or if she needs to go to residential care for a time. If her remaining in our home at this time is good for the other kids. For those of you who have seen the movie "Sophia's Choice" when the mom has to make an immediate decision in the concentration camp of giving her son or daughter to the Nazi's?  That is what I feel like. Although, of course, residential care is not a physical death chamber - I still worry about the psychological repercussions for her. There is absolutely no easy decision. There is no win. My mind swirls with all of the "what ifs" and I just want to run away from the decision and not make it. I want to curl up in a dark closet and not think about it. I want it to "just be better." I am desperate for someone to just tell me what to do. To promise me that "this" decision will result in unicorn and rainbow outcomes. I don't care if the process is hard, I just want a good outcome! But, as I posted about earlier this week I know that is not a promised outcome. I keep reminding myself of that. Often.

Today we are going in for an interview to see if the agency will accept her into their residential program. I can't stop worrying about how to make this decision.

What if she is accepted and she leaves?
What if she isn't accepted and she stays?
What if just one more day, one more intervention, one more hug will make all of the difference?
What if she stays and nothing ever changes?
What if she goes and nothing ever changes?
What if she leaves and feels rejected and abandoned by us?
What if she stays and our other kids feel rejected and abandoned because we didn't protect them?
What if she goes and someone hurts her?
What if she stays and keeps hurting our other kids?
What if I am a terrible mom for even considering this option?
What if I am a terrible mom because I didn't pursue this sooner because I thought that "I" could make it better?
What if I make the WRONG decision?!?!


But it is not an "I." It is a "we." I am so thankful for my husband who is willing to listen to my fears and calm me. To remind me that we are a team and I am not alone. To remind me that he is the stay at home dad and deals with the brunt of the issues and is therefore very informed on the issues involved in making this decision. God is also very clearly present and helping guide us. We also have many friends who understand and are supporting us.

Lord, please make the path we are to take clear. Very clear. Thank you for knowing the outcome, and the process. Thank you for being trustworthy. Thank you for being sovereign. And thank you for blessing me with a husband who follows and trusts you and is the perfect partner for me in this difficult role of parenting.