We had the interview for the long term residential program last week. We were told that we would be notified by Friday afternoon one way or the other. We were not. It was a very hard weekend not knowing what was going to happen. To be standing at a crossroads, not entirely committed in my heart to either road, and not having answers to make the decision was very hard on me. My health has been affected by this long-term stress in not great ways. I am having to be intentional about how to handle the bodily stress in healthy ways while still living with the reality of the stressful situations. The help we are getting in respite from our friends, reading, talking honestly about our situation, exercise, healthy eating, time in the Word, prayer, (and my "me" time getting to enjoy our hot tub ideally without interruptions by disgruntled children lol) are all helping.
The weekend was really difficult. I have learned that I need a Sunday nap. I really, really need it. My whole family knows that we plan nothing for Sunday, no one comes over, no one gets hauled anywhere, it is just down time. A sabbath. And I take a nap. It is the only time of the week when I actually get to sleep without worrying about a kid. My husband is awake and dealing with them so I don't have to keep an "ear" out for them. It is the deepest sleep I get all week. 1-2 hours of real sleep. Except that for the past 2 Sundays I laid there for 2 hours trying to sleep, even took the sleep spray that puts Grace and JJ to sleep, and still my brain spun with "what are we going to do?!?!?" So I spent the time praying and surrendering it all to God. I was so worried that Grace's problems wouldn't be seen as significant enough for anyone to help us. I was worried the people would say that we are being dramatic about asking for help saying "she is just 13" and they wouldn't help us. If so, then what?
Monday - no information.
Tuesday - we were informed that Grace was denied for the program. But not for the reason that I worried about. She was denied because her behavior is too extreme for their program. On the one hand that was very frustrating and I went back to "now what?!" I finally asked for help and now I am being told no. On the other hand it was validating to know that her behavior is, in fact, as disruptive as we think it is. It is not just that she is "a 13 year old girl."
What is next? There are different levels of treatment at the agency we are looking at, depending on need. We had applied to a 12-15ish month residential program where she would be living family style with 7 other same gendered kids ages 10 -18, going to school, having structure and rules, consequences and rewards, etc. The next level of treatment would be more of a therapeutic group home. Above that is Residential Treatment Center which is a locked hospital like setting where kids stay 60-90 days and are provided with structure, supervision, school, and therapy. Then there is the psych hospital setting that most people think of where a person goes in if they are imminently suicidal/homicidal, meds are adjusted, coping skills are taught, and they are back home in around a week maybe helped, maybe not (I deal with this a lot in my work). An application has been submitted to a Residential Treatment Center since that is what was recommended by the person who turned Grace down for their program, and now we are back to...waiting...
I have a lot of peace about where the process is right now. I think that I needed the weekend to really come to grips with accepting that this was really happening. To accept that this is really what Grace needs and not have guilt over it. Most people have been overwhelming supportive of us in this process. There have really only been 2 people who have vocalized any dissent. I am thankful for that. My thoughts are that until a person has lived in our shoes and understands, then that person needs to keep his/her comments to his/herself unless s/he is truly trying to understand.
In the mean time she has had a pretty good week. I think that after the interview last week the reality of what is being considered is really making her aware of where her choices have gotten her. School started yesterday and normally mornings are a nightmare. But she had two good mornings. Two consecutive mornings. I am learning to accept those gifts when they come:) I decided yesterday that I would sit down when they started eating breakfast and read devotions until they have to brush their teeth and get in the car to go. That way I am trying to help them get their thoughts focused correctly, and I am minimizing the chance of them fighting while still in the house since I am not allowing them to talk lol! Maybe it will only last 2 days, but 2 days is more than 0:) This morning she was really trying to fight but allowed me to shut it down. That is progress:)
Another piece of this that would have been talked about for sure in my Gaslighting post is that we have not one, but 2 daughters with RAD. It has been a toss up depending on the day on which daughter needed to be considered for a higher level of treatment. Faith meets the criteria for going to the long term program. She has improved over the summer. However, school is a HUGE temptation for her as she gets so many more freedoms than at home. Now that school has resumed we will wait and see if she was just biding her time or not. Interestingly we had 3 different people ask us last week "why did you send in the application for Grace and not Faith?" Grace's behavior rules our house and every outing we make but she keeps it in the family. Faith's behavior happens out in public where others witness it and are hurt by it.
So, she has been informed that if she does any of the behavior at school she has done in the past 2 years that her application will be going in. She is less than excited...
Often I say to myself, "I must be horrible at this parenting thing since I have 2 daughters so out of control!" Then I remind myself that I have raised 2 kids to adulthood who are doing well, and I have 2 sons that are doing fine. I can't control their choices. I can't control what they believe about themselves and the world. I can't really control anything lol!
It is that letting go that I have really settled into the past few days. I know in part it is due to your prayers. Wednesday I finally got that nap I so desperately needed. My brain finally slowed down enough to let me sleep. It seemed to reset my brain as I am now in a "it will all work out" mindset. Before that, well, let's just say that my husband was giving me not so subtle hints that I was losing my mind before that;)
Tonight we are all going out for supper for JJ's birthday. Well, the 4 youngest kids and my husband and I. I am stressed about how Grace will do and if she will...do what she does. Normally I would say, "uh, let's see if she can stay home with Buddy and get to bed on time" or "I wonder if someone can keep for her until bedtime." But, we are going to try it. I literally get nauseated every time I think of going somewhere with her in a vehicle when we can't get home in 15 minutes if the situation goes south. But, we will try it. Hope springs eternal, right?;)
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