Bear with me for a moment as I express my appreciation for Marvel movies. As I have processed our son "meeting" his birth family for the first time, I also watched Black Panther for the second time. I really like this movie and it has struck a chord with both times I have watched it. I remember in the theater that I was so struck by the plot line. That one may think that a choice is wise in the moment: given the current information available, the current cultural beliefs/pressures, emotions that are at play, etc. That sometimes someone may have thought they considered all of the angles before making a decision but then the outcome is something they didn't think would occur (or at least hoped would not occur) or was completely not even considered as an alternative. Decisions made now weave in with other's decisions and emotions that look like a can of worms that result in outcomes in the short or long-term that can be...well...a mess. Sometimes we know we should do something, sometimes we know we don't want to do something but it has to be done, and sometimes we are between a rock and a hard place and don't know how to find any solution that makes sense for the greater good. Of course, then we think we come up with a workable solution (like t' challa did) and then it all makes no difference because the unexpected happens and makes it irrelevant (like Thanos destroying 1/2 of mankind). Ok, enough of Marvel...
I have met a lot of adoptive parents who have said they want their adopted child to have no contact with their birth family citing all kinds of reasons - some quite unkind to the birth parent and some seemingly out of compassion of the bond between the adoptive parent/child. When making that decision for ourselves we read a bunch of books, talked with a bunch of people who had been adopted and either did or did not have contact with their birth families, and took into account the specific details of our adoption situations.
We have two children who have no contact with their birth mom/families. We were told that by the State when we adopted them out of foster care. Given the documentation we were allowed to see we fully agreed with that directive. We have another child who did have an open adoption with the maternal grandparents and sister but it became too difficult for the birth family over time for various reasons. We have another child that has an open adoption plan. We have opted to have a facebook account for him where his birth mom is his only "friend." This allows us to have messages back and forth as well as pictures. She opted for this mode of communication versus just sending emails. I have kept all of the messages both ways, printed them out, and have them in a book for our son to read when he is older.
I have concluded that there is no "one size fits all" for adoptions. There are too many factors involved to say that it "should" be one way or another. And there are too many shades of gray regarding contact. We clearly have 2 adoptions with definitive "no contact at all" with birth parents (although with adopted out bio siblings we can have contact). But any adoption that has contact has many different ways that could happen. And just because it starts one way, doesn't mean that it continues that way. The emotional health of the adopted child and the birth family may change over time requiring an adjustment to be made.
Another very real factor? When one child in your home has a different type of contact with their birth family than another child does. Does the jealousy and feelings of abandonment with one child mean that another child should not have contact with their birth family? How does one navigate all of that with children who have hurting hearts and don't have the perspective to see things from a mature point of view?
I have decided that I don't know what the "right" answer is. I am making decisions based on how a situation is working in the moment, and hope that there won't be too much collateral damage. When Grace was allowed sleep overs and contact with her birth family, the other kids felt left out. But when her family decided that they wouldn't have any more contact she was devastated. I know why they did what they did, and reached out trying to bridge the gap, but it still hurt her. She recently sent a letter to her sister after 3 years of no contact, and her sister did write back. I am hoping they can form a connection that way.
JJ's situation has been different. While his bio mom has asked for contact, she may not respond to my messages for a year at a time. She admits that after the birth of another child and around JJ's birthday she is particularly emotional and has a hard time so just chooses to not have contact for awhile. I completely understand that. However, a couple of weeks ago she wrote out of the blue and asked if JJ's full bio sister (11 months older) could video call with him. I had wrote back asking for times that might work. A week ago when I got on the site she happened to write back immediately saying that his sister would be leaving for the summer in a week so...we ended up having a electronic face to face conversation right then. For almost 2 hours.
The conversation itself went better than I could have expected. Thankfully his younger 1/2 brothers (3 of them) were very talkative and asked tons of questions keeping the conversation going. Between JJ and his full bio sister, they are both quite shy in new situations (and both of them have quite noticeable difficulty with speech) so it was awkward at first. We had kept our other kids out of the room initially, but then his birth siblings wanted to see them so we brought them in for a bit. That brought up emotions for our kids.
At the beginning his mom wouldn't get into the screen. I am not sure if she was trying to respect the connection between the 2 siblings or if she wanted to not push the issue of her talking to him - trying to be sensitive to him (or me). She has expressed frustration once in the past that we have not flown him out to meet her, when we did not know that she was wanting that type of contact prior to him being much older. Since we had no prep prior to the call I had no way to prepare myself, my kids, JJ, or set boundaries/expectations with her. However, once I encouraged her that she get into the screen so JJ could see her too she did so...then his other siblings piled on the couch too and it was easier.
Ironically, it was her husband who eventually got in the screen and kept the conversations going. He asked very thoughtful questions to JJ and Superman (we had the girls leave again). When his mother started to cry and had to leave the screen it was her husband who explained to JJ that it wasn't his fault and she was just so happy to see him.
There were two hard parts of the conversation that, afterwards, JJ kept bringing up over and over. One was when they asked about our religion and JJ felt like they didn't believe that we are Christians. The other issue was about JJ's speech. His mom asked about his speech saying she has a "lisp" and so does his sister, and wondered if he did too. In the past I had messaged her about the Apraxia diagnosis (asking if she had his sister tested for it since I knew she was in speech therapy too) but obviously with her listening to him the issues were clear. I then tried to explain (very generally and generically) about the Apraxia, how it affects his speech, sleep, eating, hand coordination, etc. His mom started to cry then asking if it was her fault. So I had JJ seeing his mom cry, her crying and feeling guilty, and me trying to figure out how to calm both down. Her husband was very helpful with that with both of us saying to her that it wasn't her fault and sometimes things just happen.
But what did come out of the conversation is that his mom and sister both have speech issues and major digestive system issues (just like JJ). However, his sister is gluten and dairy intolerant - I am thankful that (as far as we know according to the upper and lower GI's that JJ had a couple of years ago) that he does not have those problems to deal with. I had known that his mom had a lot of eating issues and was on IV's during his pregnancy due to dehydration/low weight gain. His sister is 11 months older than him and is smaller than him. Based on our conversation I still believe that his issues are a mixture of genetic influence and her health during the pregnancy and she could not have prevented any of it. It is not her fault.
While those issues were difficult there were lots of fun facts: JJ's penchant for Chinese food must be genetic - it is also their favorite food lol! He has the same chin and eyebrows as his sister, otherwise he looks like his dad. He has the same favorite color as his dad (and none of us lol!). The brother just younger than him was by far the most talkative. JJ couldn't quite understand why he was white with an afro lol! Trying to explain the different dads (that brother's dad is white) was complicated but I think we got it:) JJ's dad now owns and is the head chef for a restaurant in Las Vegas. JJ has 3 sisters and a brother from his dad (as opposed to 1 sister and 3 brothers from his mom) and 6 nieces and nephews his age from his dad. All of those were fun tidbits to discover and I think it made JJ feel good to talk about them.
However...there has also been fallout. JJ has been much more clingy. While he has never been good about sleeping through the night he is back to waking me up in the middle of the night every night (despite sleeping 4 feet away from me on a mat on our floor since he is again not sleeping in his room...sigh...) and when I ask, "hey Buddy, what do you need?" He is answer is "I need you to hold me." Ok, Bud, Ok... He has had 2 nighttime accidents that he hasn't had in over 2 years. He has shut down about the call and his thoughts. Because his sister was about to leave for their father's house for the summer for visitation we did another call on Thursday (she left Friday). That call was just with his sister (his mom was in the background but didn't get in the screen at all). He was very shut down and gave bare minimum answers to the bunch of questions she asked him (e.g. what is your favorite song, your favorite singer, your favorite fruit, etc). I could not get him to open up to her or me. That call was much shorter. I know he has questions about why he was adopted and the other 4 were not - I have answered that the best I can. I know he wonders about his birth dad since his sister gets to spend the whole summer with him. It is all new, he is young...maybe over time he will feel safer asking questions.
Tuesday was apparently quite the difficult day for the family. I was at work so my husband had to deal with the yuck. Wednesday I found out about it and we had a long family meeting. JJ was saying some hurtful things about not caring about our family and wanting to go live with his birth family. Of course he is confused in his loyalties right now. I completely understand that. Does that justify him not having any contact with them so he won't be split? I don't know that is the answer. Somehow I had to sit them all down and pull us back together. I asked him that if Bella gets a little brother or sister will he stop loving Bella? He thought I was crazy. I told him there was no reason why he can't love BOTH Bella AND a younger niece/nephew just like he can love BOTH his birth family AND his adoptive family. Neither family is less than the other. Just because he is with one doesn't mean he can't love the other just the same. Thankfully his mom had written me a note of appreciation for the video call and was so sweet. She again reiterated that she chose us to be his family, she is very happy that we are his family, he seems to be doing well in our family, and she would not have been able to provide for him if she had kept him at that time in her life. When I read that to him and reminded him that she chose us and if he is angry about that he is disrespecting her choice, not just us he seemed to see the situation differently and settle his emotions. I tried to pull in each kid and how they were each feeling about the whole situation. I have some kids who are more aware of their feelings and will talk..and others who are a brick wall and their emotions come out in behavior. Eh...I think the conversation went ok. The week since then (including the next day when he talked to his sister) have gone much better. No more negative comments have been made and when I point blank asked him today if he still wanted to live with his birth family he said "no." I know he is conflicted because his words and his behavior don't match up. And he struggles so much with even knowing, much less retrieving the right words to explain something tangible much less intangible like emotions.
So, pretty much everything feels like a big can of worms that had to be opened but is not any fun to deal with. I can't ignore the can, I can't throw the can away, I have to allow those worms to crawl all over and intersect with one another resulting in outcomes that I can't predict or sometimes even like.. I can control as much of it as I can, but the rest I have to have faith will proceed the way it should. Not MY way, but the way that God decided. I just want to do the "right" thing and I don't get to know that ahead of time. Ugg, lack of control, my least favorite feeling!!!!! :)
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