This has been a very dark time for our family. I have felt like my brain was a box of 5000 puzzle pieces and I could not get even 2 pieces fit together. In the past several days I have been able to finally articulate some of the issues, with the support of faithful friends, and have been processing the way I do best - writing it down and revising it over and over and over. It helps me "put the pieces together" in a way that I cannot do otherwise. I certainly do not have the entire puzzle put together. So in that way this writing is a point in time of a process so please remember that when reading. We are by no means at any end point. This post is long, I debated about posting it at all, but I am again choosing to be vulnerable and raw about our life. I am not looking for pity. I am not looking to be dramatic. I am not looking to disparage my children. I know that I am not the only parent of kids with RAD and I want to let them know they are not alone, and perhaps others who know of families that have kids who have RAD symptoms can get a better idea of what it like for that struggling family.
Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The diagnosis that no adoptive parent wants to hear, much less experience with their child. A diagnosis that feels hopeless when it is uttered, much less experienced. It is like cancer in the medical field: extraordinarily difficult to treat, permeates every single aspect of one's life, and leaves the many involved parties forever changed - usually in not so positive ways.
The official symptoms of RAD are:
A. A consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward adult caregivers, manifested by both of the following:
- The child rarely or minimally seeks comfort when distressed.
- The child rarely or minimally responds to comfort when distressed.
B. A persistent social or emotional disturbance characterized by at least two of the following:
- Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others
- Limited positive affect
- Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during nonthreatening interactions with adult caregivers.
Can I just say that when one is actually living with someone with RAD these symptoms do not even come close to encompassing what it is actually like or all of the ways that a child with RAD actually acts? And each child will look differently in how this manifests. If I were writing the diagnosis I may say something like:
1) child will run hot and cold with verbal and physical kindness. Cold meaning that you feel like you are living with a brick wall every time you attempt to get close. They get close on their timeline and on their terms.
2) child will present well to everyone outside of the family and they will not believe what you tell them happens in the house
3) You will feel like your head is spinning trying to discern fact from fiction or looking for logic. You will very often think, "you have got to be kidding me."
I can give a hundred examples of all of the ways that this plays out in a child's life, and in the life of the family. However, I am going to focus on one symptom that is (in my opinion as a parent of 2 RAD children) the most exhausting and infuriating, and leads to the most heartache and feelings of helplessness...gaslighting.
A definition "A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity."
"A more psychological definition of gaslighting is "an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.""
"A more psychological definition of gaslighting is "an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.""
Another site says: "True narcissists are not accountable for their own bad behavior. It is common for them to blame others and make it someone else’s fault. They use denial, accusation, misdirection, and lying to throw you off base. You can walk away wondering if it is just your imagination, or if you are sorely mistaken, and it is truly your fault."
Usually gaslighting is referred to in the context of an abusive relationship, often with a narcissist. The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot, but it usually refers to a person who is extraordinarily (pathologically) self-centered - to the exclusion of authentic compassion and empathy for others - or at least if it is experienced that it does not have bearing on the decisions that the person makes that hurt others. I have worked with many women over the years who have suffered crippling effects of partners who engage in gaslighting. The women doubt and second guess every decision and truth they previously thought to be true. Gaslighters are often popular and well liked. They make excellent first impressions and can manipulate others well, especially if they are engaging with one person at at time. They can feed information to that person that they have discerned to be what the person wants to hear, and be believable in presenting that information. So when someone else suggests that a person may be a disingenuous it is met with disbelief and aids in making the person being gaslighted to be even more likely to doubt and second-guess themselves and their perceptions of a situation.
I used to have much empathy for these women (although women can gaslight as well). But I did not really understand the despair and feelings of craziness until recently. That you have information before you, connect the dots to make logical conclusions, then the gaslighter adamantly denies that your conclusions are logical and presents information and possibilities in such a way that you think you must have misjudged, over-reacted, and concluded wrong. It is utterly maddening.
I am living with two children with RAD, and one who is a methodical and well practiced at gas lighting. As a parent, coming to terms with the reality that one's child has RAD is painful enough. A child you have prayed for, longed for, and sacrificially poured into is now rejecting your love. Often these kids will present to the outside world as if they are genuine. Then, as a parent who is dealing with RAD, a huge amount of our time is spent identifying, figuring out, and intervening problem behaviors resulting in the parent's social support system diminishing out of sheer lack of time to spend time with people outside the family. That means that when we finally are vulnerable and share with others about our realities - the people around us judge us for misinterpreting the situation, for being overly harsh or judgmental ourselves toward the child, for having parented "wrong" and it is our fault the symptoms exist, or exaggerating the extent of the symptoms. I cannot tell you how many people I have been real with about the issues with one of our daughters and once they ask how long she has been with us and I reply "since 4 months old" their whole body languages shifts from tentative understanding to judgment (never mind the 19 months of back and forth "reunification attempts" with her bio family).
I am just going to be upfront here and admit that for years (at least 7) these symptoms have been happening in our home, the past 3 years have been bad, the past few months are even worse, and the past 2 weeks have been horrific. To the point where I do not know if our home is the best placement for our daughters. We have gone back and forth about that decision for years, but more frequently lately. What a horrendous decision to have to make!! To have the reality of the situation on one hand remind us that we are clearly not making any progress here war with the reality of "who in the world would send their child away?!?!?! What kind of terrible parent must I be?!?!?" Besides feeling like a monster, there is the crippling effect of feeling like an utter failure. Then, just when I had come to terms with what seemed to be the only option for us to pursue...someone who I have trusted and finally chose to be vulnerable with about our situation said that I had drawn the wrong conclusions and it was essentially my lack of faith in my child that my child was acting this way.
Ouch.
Then I fell into a black dark place of indecision and self-doubt. I decided to just be done. I couldn't do this anymore. I obviously can't draw correct conclusions, I am making it worse, I must be the problem. Doubting myself at every turn. Refusing to make any decisions because it seems I just kept making the wrong ones.
Whoa...
I am living with two children with RAD, and one who is a methodical and well practiced at gas lighting. As a parent, coming to terms with the reality that one's child has RAD is painful enough. A child you have prayed for, longed for, and sacrificially poured into is now rejecting your love. Often these kids will present to the outside world as if they are genuine. Then, as a parent who is dealing with RAD, a huge amount of our time is spent identifying, figuring out, and intervening problem behaviors resulting in the parent's social support system diminishing out of sheer lack of time to spend time with people outside the family. That means that when we finally are vulnerable and share with others about our realities - the people around us judge us for misinterpreting the situation, for being overly harsh or judgmental ourselves toward the child, for having parented "wrong" and it is our fault the symptoms exist, or exaggerating the extent of the symptoms. I cannot tell you how many people I have been real with about the issues with one of our daughters and once they ask how long she has been with us and I reply "since 4 months old" their whole body languages shifts from tentative understanding to judgment (never mind the 19 months of back and forth "reunification attempts" with her bio family).
I am just going to be upfront here and admit that for years (at least 7) these symptoms have been happening in our home, the past 3 years have been bad, the past few months are even worse, and the past 2 weeks have been horrific. To the point where I do not know if our home is the best placement for our daughters. We have gone back and forth about that decision for years, but more frequently lately. What a horrendous decision to have to make!! To have the reality of the situation on one hand remind us that we are clearly not making any progress here war with the reality of "who in the world would send their child away?!?!?! What kind of terrible parent must I be?!?!?" Besides feeling like a monster, there is the crippling effect of feeling like an utter failure. Then, just when I had come to terms with what seemed to be the only option for us to pursue...someone who I have trusted and finally chose to be vulnerable with about our situation said that I had drawn the wrong conclusions and it was essentially my lack of faith in my child that my child was acting this way.
Ouch.
Then I fell into a black dark place of indecision and self-doubt. I decided to just be done. I couldn't do this anymore. I obviously can't draw correct conclusions, I am making it worse, I must be the problem. Doubting myself at every turn. Refusing to make any decisions because it seems I just kept making the wrong ones.
Whoa...
It made me second guess everything. EVERYTHING. Am I doing anything right? Am I drawing any conclusions accurately? What is the truth? What am I supposed to DO!!!??! I have a doctorate degree in clinical psychology. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars in extra specialized training in working with attachment disorders, trauma, etc. But I feel utterly hopeless in dealing with what we deal with in our home.
Both of our daughters have RAD. They trade off on who is actively acting out at a time. When they are both acting out? The rest of life ceases to exist as we attempt to just survive it. It is rare, very rare, that they have simultaneous good days of no blatant behaviors. Structure is the key - with no changes in routine - if we are to have anything that resembles peacefulness. That means that our family lives essentially on lock down. Yesterday I wanted to go to a graduation of a precious friend of mine (well, her son) who I get to talk to less than once a year, and to get to talk to other mom's in that circle of important friends for me. But...I had to stay home to keep routine and regular bedtime. Last week I tried to get outside of the routine and do something "extra." Just a trip to the local park. But it derailed routine and one of our kids had one of the worst rages yet. I even called a shelter to see if they would take her but they were full. So, right now I am terrified to get outside of routine and upset the apple cart. Imagine what this does for the rest of the children?
Anyway, that is not the focus of this post. I am getting distracted by the MANY MANY ways that our life is disrupted by RAD.
So, back to the daughter who is the master at gas lighting. This child has been acting out for years. It is subtle and blatant. It is in all settings. There is no logic behind it. Often her cycle is act out, get caught (eventually), honeymoon period, we think she actually "got it" this time and have hope that she stop her behavior...then it starts all over again, and again, and again, and....yet again. With bigger and bigger behavior each time.
Recently this child did something again. AGAIN. I was sure I knew what the truth was. But then there were just enough pieces of the story that I began to second guess myself AGAIN. This child can lie to a person's face like she is a Hollywood actress on screen. Was I wrong? What kind of a horrible person am I that I am thinking the worse of this person? of MY DAUGHTER! The person who stated that I am wrong for assuming the worst and not giving this child the benefit of the doubt, and that by doubting my daughter I am actually causing her to just give up and not try completely floored me and made me doubt myself at my core.
Anyway, that is not the focus of this post. I am getting distracted by the MANY MANY ways that our life is disrupted by RAD.
So, back to the daughter who is the master at gas lighting. This child has been acting out for years. It is subtle and blatant. It is in all settings. There is no logic behind it. Often her cycle is act out, get caught (eventually), honeymoon period, we think she actually "got it" this time and have hope that she stop her behavior...then it starts all over again, and again, and again, and....yet again. With bigger and bigger behavior each time.
Recently this child did something again. AGAIN. I was sure I knew what the truth was. But then there were just enough pieces of the story that I began to second guess myself AGAIN. This child can lie to a person's face like she is a Hollywood actress on screen. Was I wrong? What kind of a horrible person am I that I am thinking the worse of this person? of MY DAUGHTER! The person who stated that I am wrong for assuming the worst and not giving this child the benefit of the doubt, and that by doubting my daughter I am actually causing her to just give up and not try completely floored me and made me doubt myself at my core.
But then? Then I found out that I WAS RIGHT!!!!! Irrevocably RIGHT! That I had put the dots together accurately and drawn the correct conclusions! There was no more escape from the truth! It was so freeing to know that I had not thought wrong about the situation.
The back and forth and back and forth and back and forth of second guessing myself is exhausting! The constant detective work investigating fact from fiction is making my head spin! I am so tired of this. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be married to someone like this. I am just trying to parent one.
I spent the week of investigating the situation exhausted, numb, angry, wanting to give up. I felt terrible for wanting to give up. I already had been so stressed that I couldn't sleep for the previous weeks, then I spent that week not being able to get enough sleep. I don't have an appetite (although that may not be a bad problem to have right now. I need to lose weight and I now weigh less than I have in a year! Yay! Silver lining!!;) What I usually enjoy, I don't. What I could usually motivate myself to do, I couldn't. I felt trapped. No matter what decision I make it seems like I get backlash. I used to be able to stand up against that because I felt so firm in my conclusions and conviction but the heaviness of all of what we deal with just got to be too much. My kids all walked around and looked at me like I clearly was not ok (I wasn't). Beautiful came over every day (without my asking) to just run interference with her siblings. They all treated me like I was fragile glass that was already half broken.
But a few days ago I forced myself to talk to my accountability partner when all I really wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. Later that afternoon we got the phone call from the school that we were right about our conclusions about the situation. I finally felt like I could emerge from that dark place and choose to fight again. I didn't have to swirl in that place of "what if I am wrong and accusing my child of something they didn't do? What kind of parent does that??!" Then we sought counsel from others who confirmed that we are at a crisis point. A decision has been made on how to proceed with this child. It is the only next step that makes sense. I have to stand firm. I have to move forward on this path even though I will undoubtedly have people who do not understand and will disagree. While I know what the outcome needs to be I am afraid that I won't go about it right and am terrified for our child's future. But I am more terrified for the only logical outcome if my child continues her current choices to their inevitable conclusion. I have told my child that I feel like I am standing on a railroad track with the child as a train with 100 loaded cars barreling toward me faster and faster as I am jumping up and down saying "stop! stop! you are about to crash and burn!!!!!" Yet the train just keeps going faster telling me that I am wrong about my opinion on where the train is headed. I can no longer be the one standing on that track. I need someone else to do that. It makes me feel inadequate and like a failure that I cannot stop this train, but I obviously cannot. I, and my family, will implode if we allow this to continue. So, a decision has been made that others will need to stand on that track. I don't know who, but I am now focused on making that happen.
Essentially RAD is a problem of a lack of trust. I completely understand why these children don't trust. I completely understand why these children are afraid of putting their faith in someone who might let them down. I get it! That is why I have given grace over, and over, and over, and over again. BUT! At what point is enough enough? When I worked in prisons for 9 years I could understand why someone chose the criminal activity, but I certainly did not conclude that the person should not have been held accountable for his/her choices for their harm to society. So why do I keep allowing my daughters to do that to the detriment of our other children, (and to society with some of the behaviors).
I cannot make them trust me. That is the problem in a nutshell. If they don't trust me, they won't respect me. If they won't respect me they won't follow my authority.
Beyond that, if they won't trust God, they won't trust me. If they won't obey God, they won't obey me. When I want to blame myself for the RAD, I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't necessarily rebellion against me, this is rebellion against God. We ALL need to learn that we are not self-sufficient. I get that it is done out of fear but that doesn't make it right. That is very selfish. We need to trust in and lean on God for everything, just like we ask our children to trust and lean on us. We have the choice to refuse to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and our children have the choice to not accept us as their authority .
I am choosing to leave the insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Living with gaslighting is a quagmire of deception and self-doubt. I am thankful that I know Truth and that I have people around me who are praying for me and helping me to see clearly and stand firm. Reminding me that I have done all I can and it is ok. To relinquish my control and let God determine the outcome of the train - He is going to anyway, I just need to get out of the way.
Thankfully we are currently in a honeymoon period. I have informed the children of what is happening. The pressure has been let up briefly. We have had 3 days with relatively little drama (well...kid driven drama at least). We have to jump through a ton of hoops, make many phone calls, and have our life dissected as I am sure that many professionals are also going to not believe us and will second guess us. But, something has to change immediately. If not for the benefit of our daughters (it is their choice), then for the sake of our other children who are also at a breaking point.
If you are an adoptive parent living with RAD, please know you are not alone. If you are someone who knows someone who has a child who likely has RAD, please do not doubt them or second-guess them. Support them. Even if you just say "I can't imagine what this is like for you but I am here" do that. If they can't find time to spend with you because of their reality, don't give up on them, pray for them, and give them encouragement. You may be an important part of their life-line that keeps them sane on their journey.
Essentially RAD is a problem of a lack of trust. I completely understand why these children don't trust. I completely understand why these children are afraid of putting their faith in someone who might let them down. I get it! That is why I have given grace over, and over, and over, and over again. BUT! At what point is enough enough? When I worked in prisons for 9 years I could understand why someone chose the criminal activity, but I certainly did not conclude that the person should not have been held accountable for his/her choices for their harm to society. So why do I keep allowing my daughters to do that to the detriment of our other children, (and to society with some of the behaviors).
I cannot make them trust me. That is the problem in a nutshell. If they don't trust me, they won't respect me. If they won't respect me they won't follow my authority.
Beyond that, if they won't trust God, they won't trust me. If they won't obey God, they won't obey me. When I want to blame myself for the RAD, I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't necessarily rebellion against me, this is rebellion against God. We ALL need to learn that we are not self-sufficient. I get that it is done out of fear but that doesn't make it right. That is very selfish. We need to trust in and lean on God for everything, just like we ask our children to trust and lean on us. We have the choice to refuse to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and our children have the choice to not accept us as their authority .
I am choosing to leave the insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Living with gaslighting is a quagmire of deception and self-doubt. I am thankful that I know Truth and that I have people around me who are praying for me and helping me to see clearly and stand firm. Reminding me that I have done all I can and it is ok. To relinquish my control and let God determine the outcome of the train - He is going to anyway, I just need to get out of the way.
Thankfully we are currently in a honeymoon period. I have informed the children of what is happening. The pressure has been let up briefly. We have had 3 days with relatively little drama (well...kid driven drama at least). We have to jump through a ton of hoops, make many phone calls, and have our life dissected as I am sure that many professionals are also going to not believe us and will second guess us. But, something has to change immediately. If not for the benefit of our daughters (it is their choice), then for the sake of our other children who are also at a breaking point.
If you are an adoptive parent living with RAD, please know you are not alone. If you are someone who knows someone who has a child who likely has RAD, please do not doubt them or second-guess them. Support them. Even if you just say "I can't imagine what this is like for you but I am here" do that. If they can't find time to spend with you because of their reality, don't give up on them, pray for them, and give them encouragement. You may be an important part of their life-line that keeps them sane on their journey.
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