Lessons in waiting, rejection, and waiting again...

We had the interview for the long term residential program last week. We were told that we would be notified by Friday afternoon one way or the other. We were not. It was a very hard weekend not knowing what was going to happen. To be standing at a crossroads, not entirely committed in my heart to either road, and not having answers to make the decision was very hard on me. My health has been affected by this long-term stress in not great ways. I am having to be intentional about how to handle the bodily stress in healthy ways while still living with the reality of the stressful situations. The help we are getting in respite from our friends, reading, talking honestly about our situation, exercise, healthy eating, time in the Word, prayer, (and my "me" time getting to enjoy our hot tub ideally without interruptions by disgruntled children lol) are all helping.

The weekend was really difficult. I have learned that I need a Sunday nap. I really, really need it. My whole family knows that we plan nothing for Sunday, no one comes over, no one gets hauled anywhere, it is just down time. A sabbath. And I take a nap. It is the only time of the week when I actually get to sleep without worrying about a kid. My husband is awake and dealing with them so I don't have to keep an "ear" out for them. It is the deepest sleep I get all week. 1-2 hours of real sleep. Except that for the past 2 Sundays I laid there for 2 hours trying to sleep, even took the sleep spray that puts Grace and JJ to sleep, and still my brain spun with "what are we going to do?!?!?" So I spent the time praying and surrendering it all to God. I was so worried that Grace's problems wouldn't be seen as significant enough for anyone to help us. I was worried the people would say that we are being dramatic about asking for help saying "she is just 13" and they wouldn't help us. If so, then what?

Monday - no information.

Tuesday - we were informed that Grace was denied for the program. But not for the reason that I worried about. She was denied because her behavior is too extreme for their program. On the one hand that was very frustrating and I went back to "now what?!" I finally asked for help and now I am being told no. On the other hand it was validating to know that her behavior is, in fact, as disruptive as we think it is. It is not just that she is "a 13 year old girl."

What is next? There are different levels of treatment at the agency we are looking at, depending on need. We had applied to a 12-15ish month residential program where she would be living family style with 7 other same gendered kids ages 10 -18, going to school, having structure and rules, consequences and rewards, etc.  The next level of treatment would be more of a therapeutic group home. Above that is Residential Treatment Center which is a locked hospital like setting where kids stay 60-90 days and are provided with structure, supervision, school, and therapy. Then there is the psych hospital setting that most people think of where a person goes in if they are imminently suicidal/homicidal, meds are adjusted, coping skills are taught, and they are back home in around a week maybe helped, maybe not (I deal with this a lot in my work). An application has been submitted to a Residential Treatment Center since that is what was recommended by the person who turned Grace down for their program, and now we are back to...waiting...

I have a lot of peace about where the process is right now. I think that I needed the weekend to really come to grips with accepting that this was really happening. To accept that this is really what Grace needs and not have guilt over it. Most people have been overwhelming supportive of us in this process. There have really only been 2 people who have vocalized any dissent. I am thankful for that. My thoughts are that until a person has lived in our shoes and understands, then that person needs to keep his/her comments to his/herself unless s/he is truly trying to understand.

In the mean time she has had a pretty good week. I think that after the interview last week the reality of what is being considered is really making her aware of where her choices have gotten her. School started yesterday and normally mornings are a nightmare. But she had two good mornings. Two consecutive mornings. I am learning to accept those gifts when they come:) I decided yesterday that I would sit down when they started eating breakfast and read devotions until they have to brush their teeth and get in the car to go. That way I am trying to help them get their thoughts focused correctly, and I am minimizing the chance of them fighting while still in the house since I am not allowing them to talk lol! Maybe it will only last 2 days, but 2 days is more than 0:) This morning she was really trying to fight but allowed me to shut it down. That is progress:)

Another piece of this that would have been talked about for sure in my Gaslighting post is that we have not one, but 2 daughters with RAD. It has been a toss up depending on the day on which daughter needed to be considered for a higher level of treatment. Faith meets the criteria for going to the long term program. She has improved over the summer. However, school is a HUGE temptation for her as she gets so many more freedoms than at home. Now that school has resumed we will wait and see if she was just biding her time or not. Interestingly we had 3 different people ask us last week "why did you send in the application for Grace and not Faith?" Grace's behavior rules our house and every outing we make but she keeps it in the family.  Faith's behavior happens out in public where others witness it and are hurt by it.

So, she has been informed that if she does any of the behavior at school she has done in the past 2 years that her application will be going in. She is less than excited...

Often I say to myself, "I must be horrible at this parenting thing since I have 2 daughters so out of control!" Then I remind myself that I have raised 2 kids to adulthood who are doing well, and I have 2 sons that are doing fine. I can't control their choices. I can't control what they believe about themselves and the world. I can't really control anything lol!

It is that letting go that I have really settled into the past few days. I know in part it is due to your prayers. Wednesday I finally got that nap I so desperately needed. My brain finally slowed down enough to let me sleep. It seemed to reset my brain as I am now in a "it will all work out" mindset. Before that, well, let's just say that my husband was giving me not so subtle hints that I was losing my mind before that;)

Tonight we are all going out for supper for JJ's birthday. Well, the 4 youngest kids and my husband and I. I am stressed about how Grace will do and if she will...do what she does. Normally I would say, "uh, let's see if she can stay home with Buddy and get to bed on time" or "I wonder if someone can keep for her until bedtime." But, we are going to try it. I literally get nauseated every time I think of going somewhere with her in a vehicle when we can't get home in 15 minutes if the situation goes south. But, we will try it. Hope springs eternal, right?;)

Thankful for Help:)

I am so thankful for a couple of women who have been so helpful in providing us with respite. Last November I met with a friend who offered, then insisted, that she help. I don't like asking for help. I don't like admitting that I need help. I don't like bothering other people with "my" problems. So accepting help? That is hard for me. Thankfully she didn't take no for an answer. She has taken Grace many times over the past 9 months and it has helped to give us a break. 

Last month "things" got worse. Another woman came alongside us too and helped to take Grace even more. In the past month there were only maybe a weeks worth of days that we had her all day and she didn't go with one of those women. We were so thankful that she had a sleepover one night. That allowed me to go out to a movie with my oldest child and for us to go celebrate our youngest's birthday the next day drama free. 

That respite didn't necessarily help our daughter's behavior at home, but it was so helpful for the peace in the home and our productivity since we could get more done than just referee. It also helped my peace of mind when I worked long days and worried about my husband home doing it all alone.

If you know someone who looks like they need help, offer. Then, if they are really stubborn like I am, insist. Don't say "can I bring you a meal?" Say, "What night can I bring a pan of lasagna." 

Don't say, "can I help?" Say, "What can I do?"

Don't say, "can I take your child sometime?" Say, "What day this week would work for me to take your child for a bit?" (or mow your lawn, or whatever the person may need). 

Because some of us keep thinking we don't need help. Some of us are too stubborn for our own good. Some of us think it makes us a failure to ask for or accept help. Some of us don't want to bother other people with our problems. 

Thanks for praying. Thanks for offers of prayers. But if you feel led to physically help someone, insist. They will (eventually;) appreciate it:)

My Heart Is Breaking...

In December 2017 I wrote http://aeiour.blogspot.com/2017/12/being-very-very-real-about-our.html blog. We had moments since then that were promising...for short periods of time. I just kept thinking, "one more intervention." "one more try." "one more day." "one more..."  But when I sat down to write http://aeiour.blogspot.com/2019/07/my-current-struggle-with-process-versus.html blog post my journal opened to the top page which was the 2017 post. I was so disheartened that the exact same problems we were having then...are happening now. There has been no overall improvement in all of that time. Reactive Attachment Disorder sucks. That is as eloquent as I can make it.

My heart is breaking being in this position. The position of having to make a decision if our home is the best option for Grace, or if she needs to go to residential care for a time. If her remaining in our home at this time is good for the other kids. For those of you who have seen the movie "Sophia's Choice" when the mom has to make an immediate decision in the concentration camp of giving her son or daughter to the Nazi's?  That is what I feel like. Although, of course, residential care is not a physical death chamber - I still worry about the psychological repercussions for her. There is absolutely no easy decision. There is no win. My mind swirls with all of the "what ifs" and I just want to run away from the decision and not make it. I want to curl up in a dark closet and not think about it. I want it to "just be better." I am desperate for someone to just tell me what to do. To promise me that "this" decision will result in unicorn and rainbow outcomes. I don't care if the process is hard, I just want a good outcome! But, as I posted about earlier this week I know that is not a promised outcome. I keep reminding myself of that. Often.

Today we are going in for an interview to see if the agency will accept her into their residential program. I can't stop worrying about how to make this decision.

What if she is accepted and she leaves?
What if she isn't accepted and she stays?
What if just one more day, one more intervention, one more hug will make all of the difference?
What if she stays and nothing ever changes?
What if she goes and nothing ever changes?
What if she leaves and feels rejected and abandoned by us?
What if she stays and our other kids feel rejected and abandoned because we didn't protect them?
What if she goes and someone hurts her?
What if she stays and keeps hurting our other kids?
What if I am a terrible mom for even considering this option?
What if I am a terrible mom because I didn't pursue this sooner because I thought that "I" could make it better?
What if I make the WRONG decision?!?!


But it is not an "I." It is a "we." I am so thankful for my husband who is willing to listen to my fears and calm me. To remind me that we are a team and I am not alone. To remind me that he is the stay at home dad and deals with the brunt of the issues and is therefore very informed on the issues involved in making this decision. God is also very clearly present and helping guide us. We also have many friends who understand and are supporting us.

Lord, please make the path we are to take clear. Very clear. Thank you for knowing the outcome, and the process. Thank you for being trustworthy. Thank you for being sovereign. And thank you for blessing me with a husband who follows and trusts you and is the perfect partner for me in this difficult role of parenting.

JJ Update: IEP and learning with Apraxia

Traversing the landscape of understanding and intervening with Apraxia has been a steep learning curve for us. It would be hard enough, but then we have other kids with "stuff" that have their own steep learning curves. It is exhausting and often we do not know what the "right" direction is to benefit our child the best. One of those areas has been the effect of Apraxia on learning.

When we first had the diagnosis of Apraxia for JJ I knew that it's official name is Childhood Apraxia of Speech. I had thought it had mostly to do with speech. However, JJ's difficulty with speech is just a small part of what impacts him. So as he got to school age we started to realize, then research, how much his learning is impacted. Apraxia doesn't just affect speech, it affects "language." I have a friend who is a Speech Language Pathologist and when I first met her I had absolutely no clue that "speech" and "language" are two very very different things. Language is not just "grammar" like one would think in English class lol!

I found this way to described the difficulty of language, not just articulation of sounds, for Apraxia that I thought was very helpful to my understanding from www.speechandlanguagekids.com:

What is Childhood Apraxia of Speech (CAS)?CAS is a rare, neurologically-based speech disorder where the child knows what he wants to say but the message gets mixed up in the motor planning and execution phase so the sounds come out all wrong.

Imagine it’s like you’re driving your car and you know you’re going to turn right so you turn on your right turn indicator (or blinker).  But then, for some reason, your clock starts flashing instead of your turn indicator light (true story, I once had a car that did this).  So you think, “Well that wasn’t what I wanted to happen” and you try again.  This time, your trunk pops open!  Imagine how frustrating that would be!

That’s exactly how it is for our kiddos with CAS.  They know what they want to say and they tell their mouth to say it but it just comes out all wrong.

So, in addition to him not being able to speak the right words, he struggles with being able to "pull up" the right word. For example, if he wants a strawberry he can describe what he wants (e.g. I want the red thing, that is in the fridge) but usually can't actually recall or say the word "strawberry" (which is so odd that he can remember colors, "fridge" and other descriptive words but not the actual name. But think of the people that you know with the start of dementia who can remember things you have done together but might blank on your actual name). Now, if there were 10 fruits sat in front of him and you ask him to point to the "strawberry" he would do it without any delay at all. The problems is with "expressive" speech, not understanding the language. 

Therefore, imagine the extreme difficulty with learning how to read. He can see an "a," he can point to the "a" in a lineup of letters, but he cannot see an "a" and pull out of memory the sound for "a" and then say the "a" without a lot of mental effort. Not to mention that "a" has multiple sounds that must be remembered!

Then the next level is putting together multiple sounds. So he has to remember the sound for "b," then hold that in his head while remembering the sound for "a," and hold BOTH of them while pulling out of memory and remembering the sound for "t." Then put it all together at the same time. 

We struggled significantly with figuring out how to help him learn how to read. He didn't speak in a way that we could consistently understand until he was 5. So by age 7 we were still primarily focused on articulation so he could be understood, and trying to figure out how to help him remember letter sounds. Mostly we used a song and a corresponding picture (e.g. a, a, apple; b, b, butterfly). So then when he would see the letter he would call it "apple" or "butterfly." lol! Imagine trying to teach a kid to read when he thinks /a/ says apple:) 

So after a lot of struggling, a year ago at age 7 we decided to have him assessed by the school to see if he qualified for an IEP so that someone with specialized training in those areas could help him. It was a very hard testing results meeting for us to attend. He qualified in 7 areas. Of course all of them were related to reading - including math because some of the math required reading. (We also had him assessed at age 4 and he qualified but we strongly disagreed with their recommendations - that we could not be with him during services. And with his strong separation anxiety at that stage and the fact that he would not speak with anyone except family we sought private services instead (how in the world were they going to get him to speak properly when he refused to speak at all unless we were with him?!?) and turned down the school's offer. But since making progress with the separation anxiety we decided to try again).

The outcome of that meeting was him going to the public school 3 times a week for this school year for a couple of hours each for work on speech articulation, language skills (like understanding language concepts such as "over, under, etc" and being able to name items that are pointed to), math, and learning letter names/sounds/how to read. He also has an occupational therapist helping him with handwriting.

He has made progress in the past year and is now actually reading. It is still very hard for him and by the time he gets to the end of a sentence he often cannot tell us what the sentence was about because he has had to spend so much time decoding letter sounds/blends that he can't also retain the actual meaning of the words he just read. 

He hates it. I am not overly excited about how they are conceptualizing his issues as individual to him, rather I think they are trying to just put him in the "box" of their curriculum. But, again, I am not the specialist. But he really hates going. We told him that as soon as he can read well we won't make him go anymore. That has been his motivation - but it is taking longer than he wanted it to...

But, give the kid a math problem and he thinks through it well, and is right on track for the Math-U-See curriculum that we use for him at home. He is a very outside of the box thinker, is curious, and is not held back by "you can't do that" when he is trying to solve a problem. He has learned so much of this world by trial and error instead of "you should do this or that." I love how he thinks and once he can get reading mastered I think he can take on the world.

I strongly disagreed with their IQ testing of him, but even with that he qualified in many areas for help. I have been trained in IQ testing and have conducted many IQ tests on others in my early career. But even IQ tests are based on "norms" of the mass population. But every population has "outliers" and I believe JJ is one of those. I will never forget my graduate Ethics class being taught by a woman named Elaine. I can't remember  most of my professors in all of my college years but I remember her. She had a doctorate degree...and had Cerebral Palsy. As part of teaching us Ethics in our career she drove home "know why you do what you do!" She described herself as a young child who was tested for her IQ and the testers told her parents that she was developmentally disabled (not the word for it back in those days) and to just take her home as she would not amount to anything. Many parts of IQ tests are timed. For a person whose hands shake or it takes them time to articulate answers (it took Elaine a long time to say what knowledge she was imparting to us, but it was worth it!) - it does not mean that they do not know it! It means that you have to test them differently. I learned so much from Elaine and I am so thankful that her parents went home, dismissed the IQ tester's results, and just found other ways to get their brilliant daughter the opportunities that she needed to be all God created her to be.

After JJ's testing results meeting my heart hurt but I remembered Elaine and decided that we would let him go and get that specific help, but that JJ is not bound by what the norms on a test say make him in "normal limits" or "below average." I do not believe they see him any different than the test results, but that is just the reality we have to accept.

Two months ago we had the annual IEP followup meeting. They agreed that he has made gains, but I think they still really see him by his limits. In an effort to live by "if you don't have something nice to say don't say it at all" I will not say more on that.  So, I have been seeking other opportunities to get those gaps filled in for him. I have a couple options that we hope to focus on this summer. We will see what comes of it.

I am in the midst of trying to figure out what to do for home school for him for next year. He is not an auditory learner. Being as he also cannot read I often feel like some subjects that I teach are like trying to teach Helen Keller. She had a brilliant mind, but it had to be tapped into by people who loved her and didn't give up. So, I am trying to think outside of the box (not my forte). For example, reading him his history and science lessons isn't resulting in him absorbing any information. So for yesterday's science lesson I pulled up youtube videos on "hovercrafts" which he did have a short attention span for. When I noticed that he was losing focus I showed him videos of "hovercraft racing crashes" which renewed his interest lol! Then we watched the original footage of the Wright Brothers' first successful airplanes for history. Of course, then he asked for footage of ice hockey fights. The other day when we did this we pulled up several live streams of space satellites, baby eaglets, etc but he thought they were boring! Boys lol!

Most of the curriculum that I have is a "classical" style which is a lot of reading historical fiction, etc. I LOVED it with my oldest 2 and it worked great with them. With the Middles we had to switch it up due to learning styles but with 2 of them it was a good fit (until other issues resulted in us having to put them in a Christian, then public school). But it is not at all a good fit for JJ. So I am grieving this style of teaching and having to think outside of the box to figure out what will actually work with him. And then having to purchase all new curriculum (sigh). I know for sure a traditional classroom will not work for him.

Also, if you remember from the last post about getting him to sleep - I had to reward him with Fortnite every day that he slept through the night as that was the ONLY "carrot" big enough to entice him. I am so excited to report that he sleeps through the night all but a couple of nights a month all night in his own bed!!!!!!  Finally!!  After 8 1/2 years lol!!! Anyway, I have now added that he has to read a book every morning before he gets to play Fortnite. And for every book he reads he gets $1. Yes. It is a major reward for doing what, in my opinion, just needs to be done. But nothing with raising JJ has been easy...  I just keep adding on (not too much at a time that will overwhelm him and make his refuse to do any of it) more stipulations to his Fortnite time on things that are on the "you have got to do this" list (like reading and sleeping). But, yay to my husband and I for getting to sleep most nights through the night!!!

We will figure this parenting and CAS thing out:) In the meantime, I am so thankful for home schooling, for computers/internet/you tube, for tons of different types of curriculum options, and for a woman named Elaine who didn't succumb to the low expectations of an IQ tester but instead didn't give up-finding other ways to achieve her goals - that changed people's lives:)

JJ Update: Sleep

After 8 1/2 years we are finally making some gains in JJ sleeping! I have shared about our many attempts at helping him sleep through the night. It has been a long journey. With his severe separation anxiety, inability to self-sooth, and struggles with fear/nightmares (they are always about someone killing him) it has been hard for us to know how hard to push regarding sleep. We used to have the problem with him taking 1-2 hours to fall asleep at night, not sleeping until midnight or 1 a.m. But a little over a year ago now I discovered Sleep Support and Renewal by Isagenix. That makes him fall asleep usually within 15 minutes! But while the spray helps him (and others) fall asleep quicker, it doesn't help with middle of the night awakenings...

Our reality is that we have a 5 bedroom house. We have 3 bedrooms downstairs where the girls, JJ, and us sleep. We have the boys in the bedrooms upstairs. Ideally JJ would sleep with Superman upstairs, but he refuses to sleep that far away from us. The girls can't sleep in the same room because they pretty much hate each other and fight constantly (not just middle school angst). So, JJ had shared a room with Faith for several years. With the escalation of Faith's behaviors a few years ago JJ felt less and less safe so he was moved out of there over 18 months ago...leaving the option being our bedroom. Before that he would fall asleep in our bed and I would carry him to his bed and sometimes we were fortunate that he actually slept there all night. Most nights he came back to our room at some point. Then he got too heavy so I insisted that he fall asleep in his own bed. That was harder and he never did really sleep well. Then 18 months ago it was a moot point and we just brought his mattress to our floor and he slept there (he started there at least). Things were going pretty good for about 6 months where he mostly stayed on his mattress all night. Then he had his first video conference with his mom in May 2018 and... his nightmares started back up with a vengeance and he never made it through the night on his own mattress for 8 months. I would wake up with him standing beside me saying, "I had a nightmare" or "I need you."

How does one say no to that?

But I was struggling with knowing when he was really having a nightmare and when he was just wanting to get in our bed. And then I struggled with my heart on if it really is such a terrible thing for a kid to need comfort in the night and come to his parents? I don't think so. But, then I struggled with if he was actually needing comfort or if he was just in a bad habit that needed to be broken. I know that some nights when he said he was having nightmare his heart was racing like crazy and he would cling to me like a monkey. Sometimes it would be 3 or 4 a.m. and he would adamantly refuse to go back to sleep again, so I know the nightmares were real and bad. But other times I felt like he was just going through the motions.

Then in January (I think) he got sick again with influenza and his coughing led to him vomiting so I sat him upright on the futon in the family room outside of our bedroom for a couple of nights.

THEN...

He decided on his own that he wanted to start sleeping there. Yay! Throughout this whole sleeping process I have known that if I am going to make a stand about him sleeping on his own I have to be firmly devoted to it and not back down (I say "I" and not "we" because JJ only wants me at night. My husband is willing to support whatever gets decided). Thus, with the nightmares I have never pushed the issues. I want to make sure that he knows that he can come to us if he needs us. But I also want him to figure out how to sleep through the night. I know that the nights he sleeps in his own bed all night he is better rested during the day (as are we lol!!!!!!!!). Part of that, of course, is because he didn't have a nightmare affecting his sleep.

And living in this house with the issues we frequently deal with definitely inspires nightmares.

I strongly support kids coming to their parents anytime, day or night, if they need them. I strongly support kids knowing that they have a voice and are heard by their loved ones. I strongly support kids knowing that they are safe. Those are the driving foundational issues that I seek to secure with our kids. I believe that is what builds trust. Without trust I believe kids won't feel secure and obey the authority in their life, and by extension I believe that affects their relationship with God. So, we work to help our kids develop trust. I believe that is why our daughters struggle so much - they do not trust us (the hallmark of an attachment disorder). Watching that progression of problems with our daughters has led us to strive harder and harder that JJ know, without a doubt, that he can trust us and come to us any time he needs us. His speech limitations have made that process quite complicated, but it is our goal none-the-less.

But we also want our kids to be able to be secure, mature, God-fearing adults who love and obey the Lord and serve the Kingdom. We began to feel like we had to push the envelope regarding sleep so he wasn't just complacent in coming to our bed at night rather than coming when he actually needed us.

So we made a plan that we could agree to and not back down. JJ's greatest motivator is video games. It is probably his only motivator that has any hope of actually working. So, he was told that if he slept through the night in his own bed he would get to play an hour of his favorite video game the next day rather than only getting to play 1 hour on Saturdays.

Yes, I motivated my child with a video game. I am ok with that.

It has been just less than two months. It initially worked well. He was told if he needed me at night I would come back to his bed (the futon) with him and stay until he fell back asleep so that he knew he could still come to me, but that he couldn't get in our bed unless he understood he would lose his video game the next day. We went on vacation and I thought that he would revert back in an uncomfortable setting, but he slept great in a room with his brother every night. We got home and for a week he remained on the futon. He did have about 3 incidents I think in that time frame when he came to me and I asked him "do you understand this means you will lose the video game?" When he said "yes" I knew that he was truly having a nightmare if he was willing to give up the video game.

But...I pushed the envelope:(  A week after vacation his brother was gone at a sleepover so I asked JJ if he wanted to sleep in his brother's bed with the dog to help him feel safe. He said sure and did sleep all night. I then got excited and moved his mattress upstairs to Superman's bedroom and thought we had a good thing going. JJ was not as excited. I did stay with him to fall asleep there (as usual) but it took him a long time to fall asleep (even with the sleep spray) and each night he made it all the way back to our room in the dark (he must have been very scared to navigate the house in the dark, he usually will not stay on a level of the house without one of us on the same level). So after a few nights of that he told me he was going to back to the futon, of course I did not argue. But now he is back to waking me every night again (I told him that if it is after 6 a.m. he can stay in our room since I am about to get up anyway, but if it is before 6 he has to go back to his bed or have me take him back to the futon).

So a week after I moved his bed upstairs, I am back to the same problems we had in the beginning. Saturday night he came to me at 2:30 and I took him back to the futon. He came back at 4:30 and just got into bed. When I informed him after he woke up that he lost his video game today he got very upset. He doesn't remember coming into bed, which I actually believe. And I know that he had a nightmare that second time because his heart was racing and he clung to me. He keeps saying that he doesn't remember coming to bed. I keep saying, "where did you wake up?"  Then he started thinking about it during the sermon in church and started fighting with me physically demanding that I let him play the video game. I know his emotions get so big that he can't work his way through them himself (he cannot self-sooth which is why he can't put himself to sleep at night, etc). But teaching him this skill has been difficult. I am realizing more and more all of the various facets of the apraxia/CAS and how it affects so many unexpected areas of his life (just like ADHD does his sister's life). Put the purpose of this post is just about the sleep:)

So, I am not sure how to proceed. I help so many people deal with their nightmares and I cannot help my son eliminate his. He is worse on days that he anticipates me working. He hates when I work. He hates when we leave him at the school without us (the school post about what is happening there is coming later). He is worse on days when I am gone 12+ hours and can't hold him for an hour every day like he wants. He is worse when the birth families are discussed. But, like most things in life, there is not hard and fast "formula" that "if we do this, then he will sleep through the night, guaranteed."

I was really proud of him last night. He likes the vibrating buzzers that I use for EMDR. He finds them very soothing - I will have him use them when he wakes so terrified at night that he won't go back to sleep. So last night he asked, on his own and out of the blue, if he could use them until he fell asleep. He did sleep through the night:)

 This kid really is an enigma on so many levels. But he is smart, funny, tenacious, curious, so protective and gentle toward his niece, clever, and sweet. Despite all of the challenges I love him so completely and am so thankful that he does not have an attachment disorder. God has brought him into our home and has brought him along so far, teaching us as parents so much through him. He is speaking much clearer, learning how to read, and no longer has the failure to thrive eating issues he had before (although his eating habits are not "normal" and still has the Rumination Disorder, and he is at the top of the growth chart now instead of barely on it) . He is excited to be playing baseball this year. He is willing to leave us in settings now where he is familiar and around familiar people. We will keep trusting God to work in JJ, continue to grow and mature him, and help him to feel safe. We also keep trusting God to work in our hearts as we navigate life and parenthood;)

What I Learned on Vacation 2019

March of 2019 we took our 2019 Family Vacation. We had to make a decision of going with or without our oldest daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter. Since that was not really a question, we ended up having to take this vacation in March before she gets too pregnant with our grandson to travel comfortably (who is due 8/7).

Can't wait for grand baby #2!!!!!!!!

We always talked about wanting to go to the beach as a whole family so decided to do it this year with only 1 grandchild instead of chasing 2 lol! We have been to Mazatlan, Mexico 5 times (usually with only 2 kids) and LOVE IT there. So, we thought we would try a beach within driving distance and Surfside, Texas was the chosen destination. We got a VRBO house on the beach and experienced staying in our first house on stilts. Having a pregnant woman in a house was always slightly moving was a new experience lol! I myself just tried to imagine I was on a cruise ship ;) Surfside is definitely not Mazatlan, but we had a good time. When I tried to think about some of the reasons I prefer Mazatlan I realized that in Mexico we are with my parents and they take care of a ton of the logistics. In Surfside my husband and I were the parents who had to take care of all of the logistics (although admittedly my husband took care of more than I did) lol! Vacations are just easier when someone else is in charge of the hard stuff and the only thing you have to worry about it swimming in the pool vs the ocean or how often to apply sunscreen;)

But, that wasn't the lesson that I was referring to that I learned on this vacation. It was windy and therefore chilly for the days that we were there, the first 3 days being worse than the last 2. Thankfully the kids chose to just enjoy the novelty of the ocean and sand and play regardless of the cold. That meant that I had hours and hours to sit on a beach (in two hooded sweatshirts and a blanket) and watch them...and think. I don't get much opportunity to just let my brain run through random thoughts, but it was fruitful. I should make it more of a priority:)

As I watched the waves and considered how the wind was making the waves so chaotic and choppy that my husband had to reschedule his deep sea fishing for 2 days, I thought about how irritated I was that the state of the ocean was disrupting our vacation. That got me thinking about how much it hurts and frustrates me that our daughters disrupt the lives of our whole family. I seek to contain the destruction they cause and protect others from them, and impress upon our daughters that they should not do it, but they do.

I sat there and asked God why he won't just change their hearts, since He is fully capable. Then I "reminded" God of the time Jesus said, "be still" and the waters were still.

But then God reminded me:
Jeremiah 5: 22    I made the sand a boundary for the sea,

an everlasting barrier it cannot cross.The waves may roll, but they cannot prevail;they may roar, but they cannot cross it.

 Isaiah 51: 11 10

Was it not you who dried up the sea,the waters of the great deep,who made a road in the depths of the seaso that the redeemed might cross over?

Job 38:8-11 

8 “Who shut up the sea behind doorswhen it burst forth from the womb,9when I made the clouds its garmentand wrapped it in thick darkness,10when I fixed limits for itand set its doors and bars in place,11when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;here is where your proud waves halt’? 

God reminded me that while he can calm the waters/instantly change my daughters' hearts, that it isn't how He has set things in motion. I thought of the violence of the ocean and yet how God has placed a perimeter up for it and other entities that control it. We don't see Him standing there Himself using His hands to push and pull and stop and move. Some of what I thought of that He uses:

The earth uses gravity to hold the water to the ground.
The moon uses gravity to pull the tides back and forth every day.
The sun produces heat that affects the water temperature.
The rotation of the earth causes the wind, currents, etc.
The shorelines are all different - some high and rocky and some low and sandy affecting how far the water can go.
Earthquakes under the ocean happen that creates incredible disruption and destruction.


Yet, God is ultimately in control of it all.

And. I. Am. Not.

I keep trying to be all of those things to my daughters and I cannot be. I can't be their conscience, judge, discipliner, encourager, teacher, challenger, playmate, etc all by myself. I am exhausting myself and becoming more cynical, bitter, resentful, and jaded than I was at the beginning. 

In my musings I considered that maybe my role is to be the moon. I am to reflect the sun (Son), but I have no real power on my own. I have to trust all of the other pieces of the process that God has orchestrated to put it all together to serve His purposes. His outcome. His timing. His way. And sometimes I won't like the outcomes (like a tsunumi destroying an entire island or country) but ultimately the outcome isn't my responsibility to bear.

Then, as if that wasn't convicting enough to humble me, I came back and listened to Timothy Keller's sermon on pride and humility. Wow. One little tiny comment he made toward the end of the sermon was about how pride steals our joy. Ouch. Did you notice above when I said I was upset that the ocean was disrupting our vacation? And our daughters' behavior disrupts our lives? Talk about pride issues. Again, ouch. My joy is to be independent of "stuff." So, that was lesson #2...

https://podtail.com/en/podcast/timothy-keller-sermons-podcast-by-gospel-in-l/pride-the-case-of-nebuchadnezzar/

And because God really wants me to learn this, once and for all, I listened to this Timothy Keller sermon on God's Still Small Voice. Very encouraging. Very convicting. I completely put God in a box and have self-centered and limited expectations. I was also very impressed with Timothy's interpretation on how to care for someone (and maybe more importantly - how NOT to approach someone) when they are discouraged or in despair. This is by far one of my favorite sermons.

https://play.acast.com/s/timothykellersermonspodcastbygospelinlife/the-still-small-voice



So, here I am, 13 days post vacation, and I am still feeling a sense of peace. Not typical for me, I can assure you. I feel that, at least for now, I have honestly laid the baggage and burden of living with a chaotic ocean at the foot of the cross. I am working on leaving it there. I am also working on living with the reality that just because I have done this it doesn't mean that the hurricanes and tsunamis won't still rock our home. I am just finally realizing that I don't have to drown in guilt, resentment, frustration, fear, anger, bitterness, betrayal, cynicism, and despair when it does...

2018 Reflections: Receiving Gifts

I have not posted in 6 months. Life has had a lot of ups and downs in the past 6 months and I haven't known what to say about that. I have been a bit burned out in my various duties of life and living in survival mode much of the time, waiting for the next wave to come and rock my boat. While I feel like I am swimming stronger (unlike the past few years when I felt like I was barely treading water) I feel a little like I have lost my heading. There have been a lot of good times too, but usually when that happens I wonder what will happen next. This Christmas I had 14 entire days off of work. I will admit, I had initially dreaded it. To be home with my kids who are home from school and therefore out of normal routine? My husband seriously questioned me when I told him I was taking the week of Christmas off. He told me straight out that he didn't think I could handle it. I was a wee bit offended, after all I had taken time off to help him out. No plans, no schedule, no trips - just our family home. Sounds like_____.

And the filling in of that blank is what God has been working on in my heart this Christmas. I realized that I am really a pessimist. Skeptical. Expecting the worst in a situation. I like to think I am a realist but...maybe I am not thinking accurately? I find it interesting to think of people as the characters of Winnie the Pooh. I have always thought of myself as Rabbit (and proud of it lol!) but maybe I am more Eeyore than I thought?

It is no secret that my kids are hard to raise. Parenting special needs kiddos with attachment issues is not an easy feat. My job is a difficult one where I come face to face with the realities of the harshest evils people do to one another. It has made me lose, well, a lot of things. Hope, faith in people, optimism...joy.

This Christmas God has been helping me with perspective. He did it in interesting ways that I did not seek out. He is reminding me that He is present. He loves me. He wants to bless me. I don't have much of a problem with the first 2, but I really struggle with the 3rd one. I have been wrestling with why I cannot simply receive a blessing. I feel like I don't deserve it, I feel guilt for receiving it, I feel like there are strings attached/ulterior motives, and I feel like as soon as I relax into receiving something it will be taken from me. I am fully aware of the irony that when others say these things to me I have all kinds of truths to speak to them, but I can't seem to own it myself. So, God apparently decided to push the envelope a bit:)

I was sick Christmas Eve and Day. Grace had it Friday morning. We had family here from out of state Saturday for Christmas and thankfully no one was sick for that. I used lots of oils and supplements to try to get everyone's immune systems up - and gave everyone Raindrop massages. Then I got sick on Monday and Tuesday. As I laid there feeling awful I had to chuckle that I didn't even have enough energy to read a book. Those of you who know me know that I read A LOT and if I don't have the energy to read something I am really not doing good lol! It did give me a lot of time to think. I thought about how thankful I was that it was me that was sick and not anyone else in the family. I was thankful for how my family rallied and got Christmas done without any work on my part at all. The girls even gave me a Raindrop massage - only on my feet - and all I had to do was hand them the essential oils in the right order. I was thankful for how my husband prepared the entire Christmas meal. I was thankful that I had enough energy to sit and watch the traditional Christmas Eve movie with the kids, and they were satisfied with what I could give them of myself and not complain that I couldn't give more (and I was REALLY thankful for Activated Charcoal that meant I was sick...but I never got sick lol!)

That last point really stuck with me. I am a server. My Love Language is Acts of Service. I like to do for others. I do not feel comfortable receiving but I enjoy doing. So for my family to be ok with me just taking from them at Christmas? For me to nap a lot, sit around, and not help at all? That was very uncomfortable for me. Christmas is supposed to be about me serving my family! Ah... That was part of the shift in perspective. First off, I was not necessary. There was so much freedom in knowing that I could trust my family (i.e. mostly my husband) to just take care of life. And they never tried to make me feel guilty (not that they would, but I found it interesting that I thought they would...).

So, in addition to that God put 3 more situations in our path in the past week that also made us think about our hearts on this topic of giving and receiving. In the course of a week we had 3 times when people anonymously gave us food. A significant blessing of food. I, again, was surprised at the negative direction my heart initially went. I worried that people somehow thought that I could not provide food for my family. My husband, thankfully, had better perspective than I and asked me why I struggled to just allow a gift to be a gift? We talked through that and I came to be able to have peace about just receiving the blessings.

Over and over again we have been gifted with no strings attached gifts. Ones we cannot refuse or return since we don't know who is gifting them. I initially felt guilty for accepting them (I am really realizing how much I struggle with feelings of guilt and realize how much they are driven by a need for self-sufficiency - no wonder God is really hammering this lesson home - I need to be God-sufficient!) My husband and I are humbled by the generosity of these anonymous people. We are really humbled by what God seems to be driving home - we need to accept these freely offered gifts. We haven't earned them. We have no idea why we are being given them except that someone has determined "you should have it." Over and over again I slip into the mindset that I have to do MORE. I have to EARN God's blessings. That I am not good enough and don't deserve the good He gives me. That the good will be taken from me... Focus on the negative so I won't be disappointed when my boat capsizes. It is ironic that I call others out for this type of thinking yet I am steeped in it myself...

There is a shut-in that I visit. She has no support system. I have tried to offer her options and she won't accept them. I get so frustrated that she won't. When I told her I wanted to do something special for her for Christmas she asked for some Christian music from a specific singer and for a shrimp basket from a local restaurant since she cannot get out of her home to go out to eat and lives on food from meals on wheels. She did not want to receive those gifts from me - telling me it was too much. It took a lot of convincing on my part and she felt bad she had no gift for me (which would have lessened my joy in doing it for her). This situation was yet another wake up call to me that others may possibly be wanting to come along side me and be part of my support system but I turn them away, reducing their joy too. I have felt that I am making it easier on others if I don't allow them get caught up in the messiness of my life. I went out to lunch with a friend last week (ha - that happens about twice a year!) and she repeated to me over and over that she wants to be a more involved part of our family and help. I will accept:)

 So, this Christmas season God seems to be reminding me - I am here. Just receive Me.

I repeat these verses to myself often, but I clearly am struggling to own them. Thankfully God is so patient in my sanctification process:)

James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Ephesians 2:8-10

 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.