2018 Reflections: Receiving Gifts

I have not posted in 6 months. Life has had a lot of ups and downs in the past 6 months and I haven't known what to say about that. I have been a bit burned out in my various duties of life and living in survival mode much of the time, waiting for the next wave to come and rock my boat. While I feel like I am swimming stronger (unlike the past few years when I felt like I was barely treading water) I feel a little like I have lost my heading. There have been a lot of good times too, but usually when that happens I wonder what will happen next. This Christmas I had 14 entire days off of work. I will admit, I had initially dreaded it. To be home with my kids who are home from school and therefore out of normal routine? My husband seriously questioned me when I told him I was taking the week of Christmas off. He told me straight out that he didn't think I could handle it. I was a wee bit offended, after all I had taken time off to help him out. No plans, no schedule, no trips - just our family home. Sounds like_____.

And the filling in of that blank is what God has been working on in my heart this Christmas. I realized that I am really a pessimist. Skeptical. Expecting the worst in a situation. I like to think I am a realist but...maybe I am not thinking accurately? I find it interesting to think of people as the characters of Winnie the Pooh. I have always thought of myself as Rabbit (and proud of it lol!) but maybe I am more Eeyore than I thought?

It is no secret that my kids are hard to raise. Parenting special needs kiddos with attachment issues is not an easy feat. My job is a difficult one where I come face to face with the realities of the harshest evils people do to one another. It has made me lose, well, a lot of things. Hope, faith in people, optimism...joy.

This Christmas God has been helping me with perspective. He did it in interesting ways that I did not seek out. He is reminding me that He is present. He loves me. He wants to bless me. I don't have much of a problem with the first 2, but I really struggle with the 3rd one. I have been wrestling with why I cannot simply receive a blessing. I feel like I don't deserve it, I feel guilt for receiving it, I feel like there are strings attached/ulterior motives, and I feel like as soon as I relax into receiving something it will be taken from me. I am fully aware of the irony that when others say these things to me I have all kinds of truths to speak to them, but I can't seem to own it myself. So, God apparently decided to push the envelope a bit:)

I was sick Christmas Eve and Day. Grace had it Friday morning. We had family here from out of state Saturday for Christmas and thankfully no one was sick for that. I used lots of oils and supplements to try to get everyone's immune systems up - and gave everyone Raindrop massages. Then I got sick on Monday and Tuesday. As I laid there feeling awful I had to chuckle that I didn't even have enough energy to read a book. Those of you who know me know that I read A LOT and if I don't have the energy to read something I am really not doing good lol! It did give me a lot of time to think. I thought about how thankful I was that it was me that was sick and not anyone else in the family. I was thankful for how my family rallied and got Christmas done without any work on my part at all. The girls even gave me a Raindrop massage - only on my feet - and all I had to do was hand them the essential oils in the right order. I was thankful for how my husband prepared the entire Christmas meal. I was thankful that I had enough energy to sit and watch the traditional Christmas Eve movie with the kids, and they were satisfied with what I could give them of myself and not complain that I couldn't give more (and I was REALLY thankful for Activated Charcoal that meant I was sick...but I never got sick lol!)

That last point really stuck with me. I am a server. My Love Language is Acts of Service. I like to do for others. I do not feel comfortable receiving but I enjoy doing. So for my family to be ok with me just taking from them at Christmas? For me to nap a lot, sit around, and not help at all? That was very uncomfortable for me. Christmas is supposed to be about me serving my family! Ah... That was part of the shift in perspective. First off, I was not necessary. There was so much freedom in knowing that I could trust my family (i.e. mostly my husband) to just take care of life. And they never tried to make me feel guilty (not that they would, but I found it interesting that I thought they would...).

So, in addition to that God put 3 more situations in our path in the past week that also made us think about our hearts on this topic of giving and receiving. In the course of a week we had 3 times when people anonymously gave us food. A significant blessing of food. I, again, was surprised at the negative direction my heart initially went. I worried that people somehow thought that I could not provide food for my family. My husband, thankfully, had better perspective than I and asked me why I struggled to just allow a gift to be a gift? We talked through that and I came to be able to have peace about just receiving the blessings.

Over and over again we have been gifted with no strings attached gifts. Ones we cannot refuse or return since we don't know who is gifting them. I initially felt guilty for accepting them (I am really realizing how much I struggle with feelings of guilt and realize how much they are driven by a need for self-sufficiency - no wonder God is really hammering this lesson home - I need to be God-sufficient!) My husband and I are humbled by the generosity of these anonymous people. We are really humbled by what God seems to be driving home - we need to accept these freely offered gifts. We haven't earned them. We have no idea why we are being given them except that someone has determined "you should have it." Over and over again I slip into the mindset that I have to do MORE. I have to EARN God's blessings. That I am not good enough and don't deserve the good He gives me. That the good will be taken from me... Focus on the negative so I won't be disappointed when my boat capsizes. It is ironic that I call others out for this type of thinking yet I am steeped in it myself...

There is a shut-in that I visit. She has no support system. I have tried to offer her options and she won't accept them. I get so frustrated that she won't. When I told her I wanted to do something special for her for Christmas she asked for some Christian music from a specific singer and for a shrimp basket from a local restaurant since she cannot get out of her home to go out to eat and lives on food from meals on wheels. She did not want to receive those gifts from me - telling me it was too much. It took a lot of convincing on my part and she felt bad she had no gift for me (which would have lessened my joy in doing it for her). This situation was yet another wake up call to me that others may possibly be wanting to come along side me and be part of my support system but I turn them away, reducing their joy too. I have felt that I am making it easier on others if I don't allow them get caught up in the messiness of my life. I went out to lunch with a friend last week (ha - that happens about twice a year!) and she repeated to me over and over that she wants to be a more involved part of our family and help. I will accept:)

 So, this Christmas season God seems to be reminding me - I am here. Just receive Me.

I repeat these verses to myself often, but I clearly am struggling to own them. Thankfully God is so patient in my sanctification process:)

James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Ephesians 2:8-10

 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.