My Day of Blessings

Last week I had a very bad week. Very. I wrote a blog post that I will never actually post because I was so negative. However, it helped me to sort through my thoughts so was actually very helpful! I couldn't even stand to be around myself - I felt sorry for my family lol! Today I am so glad that I am back to focusing on the blessings in my life (and that my family actually wants to be around me today!)

I woke up after getting over 6 hours of sleep!!! JJ has been sick for about 2 weeks now and not sleeping well (even worse than usual). He is coughing like crazy and has been back to not falling asleep until 11 or later. Right after daylight savings time we were getting him to sleep by 10 and I was so excited! But that didn't last long...  Anyway, after taking him to the doc yesterday and confirming he doesn't have pneumonia we just gave him the cough medicine with codeine to make.him.sleep. Praise the Lord it worked! So we all got better sleep (after midnight) and he is coughing much less today:) He also is starting out the night by announcing he want to sleep by himself in his own bed. It never lasts too long (and prolongs the amount of time it takes him to fall asleep by at least 30 minutes because he inevitably ends up back in our bed to fall asleep and then I carry him to his bed until he wakes and comes in again). But, the blessing is that he seems to be understanding that he is supposed to be alone in his bed lol!

I got to have a massage today! Again, praising God for massage therapists! I hope that one of my kids becomes a massage therapist...and lives close;)

Then I got a hair cut. I was brave and cut off my long hair to make it shorter than it has been in 6 years. About 10 years ago I had it cut short and was shocked that in pictures that I looked like my brother lol!!!!  I was wary but brave and got it cut. I think it will be much better now and the good news is that I don't think I look like my brother - not that he isn't a handsome man - I just shouldn't look like him:)

Buddy made lunch! I am so grateful for the blessing of his heart that is willing to help out in the family. He is a good son:)

I had to run to work for an hour, but am thankful that I don't work anymore until Monday (outside of the home). I have lots of insurance company calls to make tomorrow though:(

The last box of presents came from Amazon today and my husband and I took them to town to get silk screened for Christmas. I can't wait to show you guys what the surprise is! Beautiful and I have been scheming;)

That meant that my husband and I got to go out to supper ALONE! Granted it was a fast trip, but it was ALONE!!!  We got to make decisions about the surprise, and how we will handle Christmas day schedule, etc. It was good:)  We enjoy scheming to find time to sneak away alone - even if it is just a 20 minute walk. I am so thankful that I like my husband. I know far too many woman who avoid theirs:(

Buddy, when given the option of watching the 4 youngest kids while we ran to town and back, or ran to town, ate, and came back said that we needed get away and go out to eat. Again, Buddy is such an incredible son. We are so blessed by him! So we brought him back pizza. He never asks for money, just pizza lol! And video games. Can't forget that. Birthdays and Christmas are about video games;)

Finally, the kids have been very hard lately. Not pull my hair out hard, but juuuuuust below that. So yesterday I made up a VERY detailed list of expectations and timelines along with consequences and rewards for the Middles and today it was fully implemented. Do you know that they have had good attitudes so far all of the time I have actually seen them today? No one has told me that hate me, that I am wrong or to stop talking or how horrible their life is in this house! Which is like....1000 times better attitude than before?!?!? Even when one of the kids did something outrageously naughty and was sent to bed 30 minutes early there was NO SCREAMING!  Even after told that the consequences would apply!  So even if it only lasts today, praise the Lord we had ONE day of good attitudes and as-much-as-can-be-expected compliance:) And now that they have proven that they CAN do it...well...it is GAME ON!

There are other things that have been tough. We had to cancel our Christmas trip back home this weekend due to the big blizzard moving in there. I really wanted to see our families even though it was only going to be a quick overnight trip. Also, I have some unexplained medical/pain something or another that is getting worry some. Just when I am finally getting a handle on the headaches (more or less, last week was HORRENDOUS), now I have this new pain. But, such is the adventure of life. I can either keep my eyes on Jesus and focus on the blessings, or be overwhelmed and so angry I have to shut myself away (like last week). I am thankful for days like today that Jesus reminds me that He is here in the midst of the craziness and whether it is a good or bad situation He is sovereign.

Now if I can just keep reminding myself that I need to submit to that plan...;)

Blood, Screaming, and a Rush to Basketball Camp.

For those of you who also have homes with temporary (or longer) insanity...I will tell you about my morning as a reminder that you are not alone!

My husband once again left to hunt this morning. Thankfully someone texted last night reminding me about Superman's Basketball Camp this morning or I would have forgotten to take him. My husband left at 5 and when I woke up to sun I was pleasantly surprised that I actually got to sleep until the sun was up! I got up, got breakfast for the Middles, and did my 30 minute work out. I separated the girls in their own rooms and rushed to the shower. Beautiful had texted me and I told her that I was in a rush and would talk to her later. JJ had woke up by then so Superman watched him while getting ready for Basketball Camp. JJ refused to go with to the school to drop him off so I was going to leave him with Buddy, who was still sleeping (I was going to alert him to JJ's presence but quite honesty, despite my prior posts about the shenanigans he gets into, it is far safer to leave him home with Buddy semi-awake than it is to leave either of the girls home.  Just saying).

After I got out of the shower I told the girls to quickly get their shoes on and get to the car. I had 3 minutes before I had to leave. I quickly readied and then Superman came running that Grace was bleeding all over and I had to come right away (have I mentioned before the shear number of accidents that ADHD kids get into?). During that time JJ was screaming that Superman wasn't getting the legos out for him. I ran upstairs, assessed the blood, knew that I was not going to be able to get to BB camp on time if I stopped to clean up the blood. I ran to Buddy's room, threw open the door, and said, "I am sorry to wake you up like this but I need you now."  Buddy came right away and I gave him two options, "blood" or "take Superman to BB Camp." Buddy choose blood (he has yet to drive his car by himself - he is a hermit;) I gave him band aids and a damp paper towel and ran to the car.

During this time JJ was still screaming "HELP ME!!" Over and over. Repeatedly. I had pulled out the legos on my run back from Buddy's room but apparently he wanted something else. I told him he would have to wait for Buddy to get done to help him. He chased me out to the car, but his hands on the car, and followed me while screaming while I was slowly reversing telling him that Buddy would help him. He would not stop (he has been very clingy the past week screaming when I have to go to work. It is like he was a year ago and before...yet he refused to come with lol!). I told him that if he did not go back into the house right away he would have to get in the car and go with me. He wouldn't go back into the house or get in the car so I got out, picked him up, put him in the car, and we left. He kept screaming "Help me!!" I told him if there was one more word from him he was losing video games for the entire day. He stopped.

I called the house phone and left a message for Buddy that I had JJ:)

I got Superman to BB camp and even saw one more kid later than him. Yay me! lol!

I called Beautiful to remind her how thankful she should be that she doesn't live at home anymore lol! We also decided that JJ would go hang out with her until we left:) He doesn't go over there very often at all (maybe only a few times since they moved in) and he usually doesn't last long. We will see how he does today. 

******

For the most part Hunting season and this Thanksgiving weekend have gone well. It has by far been the most relaxing and laid back 2 week hunting/Thanksgiving year we have had. A lot was probably that all 3 Middles were at school. Also, I scheduled my work a bit lighter so I only worked 2 days of hunting week so I was home with the kids and to check in deer and my husband got to hunt. I had a conference on Saturday but Beautiful held down the fort for us. She is indispensable:) 

This Thanksgiving weekend has been quite nice (aside from the 20 minutes of insanity this morning lol!) Wednesday I got to take all 3 of the boys out to pizza and a movie. I haven't ever taken just them out before. It was very nice. Originally it was just going to be Buddy and myself, but when I asked Buddy if he minded if the other 2 came with he said, "That is fine. Without them there I don't know what we would talk about anyway. All I can really say is "how is work?" and you can't talk about that!" lol!

Thursday Beautiful and her husband were with his family so the 7 of us enjoyed our traditional meal. Buddy and my husband then left to join up with Beautiful and do the Wal Mart Black Friday on Thursday thing. We watched the Vikings game (boo...) and I was able to finished up my online CEU's for my licensure while watching the game (yay!!!!)

Friday my husband, Beautiful, and her husband left and an insanely early hour to go Black Friday Shopping. It is their annual tradition and I am thankful that they have those traditions together. And that it is them and not me lol! Faith and I made lefse and home made noodles so I could make chicken noodle soup. They are my favorite foods that my grandma used to cook when she could still do the holiday meals and I was feeling nostalgic:) I have figured out that Faith's Love Language is Quality Time so have been trying to include her as much as I can with things. Grace runs away and wants nothing to do with cooking (except to lick beaters lol!) so it is a good way to spend alone time with Faith. I also got a lot of cleaning done between yesterday and today - moving furniture, etc while getting ready to put up the tree. Unfortunately my back has been bad again for a couple of weeks so I am having to be more cautious than usual. Buddy carried up the totes and he put up the tree, tinsel, and lights. Buddy loves to put up the tree and the fewer people he has help the better lol! Most of the rest of us got in when it was time for ornaments though. We did it during college basketball game. It was good to have a distraction from the game.  REALLY good:(  We have gotten the kids their own ornaments over the years so I finally got Beautiful's ornaments separated out for her to take for her own tree this year (I forgot last year).

Today my husband is hunting with our son in law. At noon all 9 of us will leave to go eat Chinese food as a family and then go to Moana. Tonight Adrian has a friend coming over to watch a Marvel movie he hasn't seen yet. Tomorrow we will relax again before we emerge on Monday from the intentionally protected cocoon of these 2 weeks we have every year filled with hunting and out of the ordinary schedules. Wednesday I have to give a presentation (that I had better run through a few more times lol!), Saturday Superman has a basketball tournament and BB season officially begins. 

Bring.It.On. 

Sanctification

I have been contemplating how God has been progressing me through sanctification into who He wants me to be. I think about where He has me now and where I have been. I am so thankful that God does not throw it all at us at once but lets it be a journey. I don't think I could survive Him pointing out all of my sin at once...

So looking back on the journey this is how I see it:

His salvation and forgiveness.

His provision.

How to persevere and endure. My favorite verse is James 1:12 :)

His love.

Who I am because of Him - my identity in Christ.

What it means to really believe in Him.

What it means to Trust - and how that is different from believing in Him.

Right now I think He is working through what it means to have Hope. I have felt a lot of hopelessness in raising our tough kids. However, He seems to be moving me through a place where I can really rest in whatever God has decided for an outcome. On Thursday He did allow what feels like a crack in the dam that is surrounding Faith that has seemed to be widening since then. After so much despair and fear about the path she was walking and not understanding "why" or how to help her, it was heartbreaking to hear her finally share about a couple of things that seem to have been huge burdens for her. Thankfully they are things that I feel I can actually do something about and have put a lot of effort into those things the past 3 days with what feels like progress in our relationship and her behavior. It feels like more of "her" is coming through the widening crack in the dam and I am so thankful for your prayers and for God moving in her heart. I keep reminding myself that this is a process and we certainly are no where near the end of the path, but I have hope. Not hope in myself, but the hope that is talked about in the scriptures that I have never really understood.

Romans 5:1 - 5    1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And weboast in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not put us to shame, because Godʼs love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

It is a precious experience to love someone who feels like they have walled themselves off from you and feel them draw near. No wonder the angels rejoice whenever one of us come to know the Lord with a saving faith!

We will see how long this journey lasts before God decides what He needs me to work on next. If I have a choice I know what I would choose. I guess time will tell:)

Dr. Strange: How the Movie Has Challenged Me

Have you ever gone to a movie and had it impact you on a personal level in a way that was probably not the intention of the movie production team? That happened to me with the movie Dr. Strange. Aside from what I considered to be a movie way outside of normal expectations for plot and visual effects, there was one concept that really stuck in my head. A concept that made me disgusted with its implications. The longer that it stuck in my head, the more that I realized that it was actually something that I do. I guess it was one of those situations where God used the movie to point out:

Matthew 7:3  "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

When it is pointed out to Dr. Strange that his surgical success rates are so high in part due to him not taking on extra risky or hard cases I was floored. While you probably knew this, I did not realize that specialists refuse to take on certain cases if the chance of failure will harm their success statistics. In hind site it should not have surprised me. After all in my own profession if we are untrained in a particular area we are told to refer on to the appropriate specialist. That just seems different to me than refusing for the sole purpose of it affecting success rates.

Several days after the movie it still stuck in my gut in a bad way. Then I started thinking about my own practice. There are definitely situations where I wish I could refer someone on because I don't want to work with the issue, it will take too much effort, take too long, the outcome is "hopeless" (in my fleshly opinion), or whatever the excuse may be. But I try to focus on the fact that God brought that person through my door and I am to do what I can do and leave the outcome to Him. I got thinking that is kind of like the statistics reason. It isn't that I am not qualified, it is just that I (admittedly selfishly) prefer the "easy" situations. 

Ouch.

But once I sifted through that layer of thinking, God hit me with the second punch.

Isn't that my exact situation with raising my "hard" kiddos? Well, yes.it.is. 

It would sure be nice to have "easy" adopted (and biological) children. It would be nice if I never had to deal with heart rebellion. It would be great if every tool that I have learned through my decades of training cut off all wrongdoing in my children on the very first day it happened. 

But that wouldn't be reality would it? After all, God in all of His power hasn't cut off my own sin the first time that I commit it - because He allows that pesky gift of "free will."

Thank you so much for the prayer that some of you have offered for our family and our daughters since my last post. I know I have felt much more peace, perspective, and hope. Thank you to those of you who have called or written encouragement. While I dislike being vulnerable and sharing our yuck, I covet your prayers. 

Behavior is not necessarily better in our home, but my heart is in a better place. My hope is not in changed behavior, my hope is in God being sovereign. 

My husband and I had a long talk with Buddy on Friday. It was so hard to hear him talk about how our family simply cannot have any fun, go places, or do what we would like to do due to the behaviors of some of our kiddos. It is isolating and frustrating. It grieves me that we only have 1 1/2 years left with this precious young man that I adore and then those years are forever gone. Years that have been negatively impacted by our choice to have difficult kiddos. Biological kids often get forgotten in the chaos of realities of adding adopted children and this has happened with Buddy (and Beautiful). I try to think of our situation as "fire" that God is using to purify their hearts before they go out into the world. However, it is a huge blessing that both Beautiful and Buddy have seemed to also believe that. There were years they were resentful (and I know it still happens at times). But when Buddy was sharing his feelings it was such a relief to this guilty mom's heart to hear him say "I am not saying that you should not have adopted them. I am just saying this is how it has changed our family." He was matter of fact and accepting of the "nice and easy" things that he has missed out on and the "hard and difficult" realities that have replaced it. 

Praise God for how He sanctifies and humbles us when we start thinking too highly of ourselves, loves us when we are "hard and difficult," changes our perspective from the horizontal to the vertical, and uses even Marvel movies to challenge our assumptions and belief sets. He is so creative and versatile when He says "Stop it! Wrong way! Get refocused!!!"

Our Girls...

We would really value your prayer right now. I don't even know what to say except that our daughters need prayer for repentant hearts. We need wisdom on what to do next. I have written this out many times and have opted to just keep it to the point. It is ugly. Our home is a war zone. Most of our energy is spent in damage control and containment. For the first time I have to fight feelings of regret that we adopted. For the first time I really understand why people disrupt adoptions. For the first time I understand why people choose to give up. There are so many things that we just cannot do because we cannot trust the girls. There are so many things our other kids don't get to do because we can't trust the girls and I feel guilty for that. What will they remember of their childhood? I am frustrated by all of the friendships and support system that we cannot explore because of their behavior. To be brutally honest Grace is improved from where she was 6 months ago (except when she is around Faith) but Faith is already farther down any path that Grace ever walked. Grace, with her ADHD, is highly impulsive and energetic leading her to get into trouble with her lack of self-control in the moment. However, Faith is very intelligent and self-controlled, and therefore very intentional and careful about how (and where) she does what she does. After Grace's out of control moments she is very sorry and remorseful (until the next time). Faith just denies and puts energy into figuring out how not to get caught the next time, or how to get someone else to take the fall.

I keep singing a song over and over and over hundreds of times in my head to keep me focused. I am so thankful for God. My hope is in Him. Not my daughters' choices. I don't own their choices. Their choices are between them and God. I am responsible for teaching them right from wrong. I am responsible for teaching them about God, His expectations, and his grace and mercy upon repentance. I am responsible for giving them consequences for sin. I am responsible for protecting our other children from the war zone. I am responsible for my relationship with God. None of us are promised happy outcomes. None of us are promised happy days up until the outcome.

We are promised:
His faithfulness.
His sovereignty.
His goodness.
His timing.
His mercy.
His grace.
His love.

The God of Angel Armies - Chris Tomlin

JJ Update: November 2016

JJ has been making a lot of progress in many areas. I haven't updated in awhile in him so thought I would do so. 

Eating/Reflux: This has been much improved. He is gaining weight and getting taller. He went from vomiting into his mouth almost every time he ate to now maybe once a week!!!!!! We have had 2 interventions and I am not sure if it was one OR the other or one AND the other. He refluxed the other day and I looked at him in surprise and he looked just as surprised. He said that he hadn't done that in awhile and I realized that I had not noticed it in a long time either. It is one of those things we have lived with for over 2 years now so when it was decreasing I didn't really notice it. Therefore, I am not sure which intervention has made the most impact. We have been taking him to get chiropractic adjustments more frequently than he was before. That helped to maybe once a day or every other day. We also took him in for a very weird desensitization procedure with a different chiropractor. We had done with his breathing issues way back before he turned 2 if you remember all of his many sinus infections, RSV, etc that we dealt with back then. This procedure helped him immensely. So, we thought we would try it for this as well even though it is a different provider and it is done differently. They chiropractor said that he "tested" sensitive to calcium so he did a desensitization on it. JJ won't drink water, juice, pop (well, he will drink pop infrequently) but prefers milk. LOTS of milk. So if that was the culprit it would make sense even though the scope testing showed no milk "allergy." Whatever is causing him to stop refluxing we are just grateful that he has essentially stopped!!!

Sleeping: He has been sleeping, overall, better. When he was sick a few weeks ago he was back to being up at night and in our bed for about 2 weeks. Otherwise he is going much longer stretches with only coming into our bed about once a week. This has only been for the last couple of months but it is by far more than he has slept in his own bed all night than ever before. Yay!  Usually he has been going to sleep between 10:30 and 11 instead of midnight and if he comes it is closer to 5/6 a.m. Last night he came in at 1:30:( Then around 7 he suddenly grabbed me and yelled, "Mom! I had a bad dream!" and held on tight before falling asleep. He has been very off emotionally today so I think the bad night of sleep/nightmares has triggered that. 

Emotional Dysregulation: For the most part he is doing so much better. Where he used to have tantrums daily I am now surprised when they happen. He did have a big one this morning when he deteriorated into perseveration (repeating the same phrase over and over...and over...and over) for about an hour. But he came out of it and then just wanted to be held awhile. He has shorter "I want my own way" that all kids have but those longer ones are improving. We were in the grocery store last week and we had to get him out after he went into one, but it only last about a block of the walk home. I don't think he has had one of those public ones since July (that I can remember). That makes us very happy lol!

Speech: Sometimes I think he speech is really improved and sometimes I am totally lost. However, in really thinking about the dynamics of it, it is far more a problem with retrieval than a speech problem. He simply cannot retrieve words that he needs to describe his wants and we have to really be in tune with him to figure it out. He does not speak like other people, so his sentences are all jumbled. Add into that his inability to remember words so he will say "I want the white thing." When I press him for details/description if he can't remember he will say "You know, the white thing in the thing!" So not helpful lol! Today he lost all privileges for his tantrum and at noon he asked a question that made no sense at all. My husband, Buddy, and I all sat and listened to him and finally figured out that he was asking about what privileges that he lost. 

Last night I laughed hard when he was trying to tell me what bedtime story he wanted. I thought he was saying "zombie" which would never be a story that I would read to him, but he was actually asking for the Dr. Seuss  book, "Would You Put Me In The Zoo" that somehow with how he "paraphrased" it sounded like his word for "zombie" to me lol!

Finally - Social Interaction. Are you ready for this?!?!  He is GOING TO AWANA!!!! BY HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!  Of course AWANA is at our church, where he is familiar, and his 3 siblings are also in Awana and his big sister is a leader. But they are not in his room and prior to the first night he had never met any of the kids/leaders in his room. And he goes every week! AND he is remembering verses!!!  Paraphrased. And worked with with a very understanding Leader. But he is GOING! and PARTICIPATING! and LIKING IT! And LEARNING!  

Best news was saved for last:)

Family Days:)

Last Friday our Middles had off from their respective schools so we decided it would be important to do something fun. It was a beautiful day outside (in the afternoon at least) so we had a Family Day.

First we went to lunch at Pizza Ranch. Granted we didn't get there until almost 2 p.m. my husband had to hunt ducks in the morning and we had Parent Teacher conferences for 2 of the kiddos, but we got to their favorite restaurant and filled up on the buffet:)

Then we went fishing for a couple of hours. We didn't catch anything, but it was a nice day out. I don't fish (or hunt) so I just took some of the kids individually on walks to talk privately. It was a nice time and I am thankful we got to do it.

Beautiful has worked at the YMCA for almost a year now and has been asking for us to come and swim. So my husband and Buddy went to Menards for some much needed items to repair some things on Beautiful's house while I took the 4 swimming. They didn't understand that Beautiful had to lifeguard and not play with them, but we had fun. I played catch with the kids so much that my arm was sore for days lol! Beautiful had no sympathy for me though as she was a pitcher in softball and knew all about sore arms;)

We got home at 7:45 and I cooked some supper. Buddy's friend came over after work. We love it when he comes over because we all get to play cards. He hasn't been over in 6 months so it was fun to get to do that - even if Buddy and I LOST in the LAST HAND. Sigh...we almost always lose. But don't give up lol!

The best part of the day was the lack of any major temper tantrums. Usually at the end of something like this Grace or JJ are overly tired and the trip home is horrible, especially since they were hungry. But they all held it together and it was a pleasant day.

I do find it ironic that even with 7 of us I still feel like someone is missing. It has been a process to transition to Beautiful being married and not part of our Family Days. It was nice to see her while swimming and I am so thankful that she lives close and is over a couple of times a week:) Our family does not observe Halloween so we all watch TV and eat a special meal together. It was great that Beautiful and her husband came over to enjoy grilled steak and potatoes with us, and then watch over favorite team play on Monday Night Football (even though we lost...badly).