The Latest Drama

 Drama. I am getting tired of drama. This is a split post between my current medical drama, and Grace's drama. See?  Too.Much.Drama.

Medically? I have finished 7 months of Lyme Disease treatment. For the most part labs are looking better, many of the symptoms are better, and I am moving in the right direction. However, I had Covid in December and the viral load kicked up the other viral issues I am dealing with (like Epstein Barr) and my central nervous system decided to kick "on" to fight/flight mode and I am not a fan. I have not been sleeping and my pain levels are high. This week is the highest they have been in a long time. Sometimes - (usually in the evenings after I have been using my back all day) I will move wrong and involuntary let out a scream - kind of pain. Not a fan. So yesterday I had injections of some kind directly into the nerve in my back that isn't being nice to me. I was really nervous about it but quite honestly the pain of 6 injections into my nerve was far less than my daily pain so it was ok:) So far I am not noticing any improvement but I was too nervous about the injections to stop and ask what I was supposed to expect lol! It isn't a "one and done" kind of injection so more will follow. In hindsight I should have asked more questions - but when they said it could help and I have been reduced to minimal movement I was just jumping at the chance of any relief. On top of that, the IV medication I have been on for months every 1-2 weeks is in a national shortage and can only now be used in ICU's. So... I cannot get the medication that was giving me the most relief. I am taking some other meds in place of it but they are not as effective as the IV's. 

I also had two other interventions that they said would help with the viral loads and calming down my sympathetic nervous system. I was started on three new medications, but was only able to take one last night. Yet, for the first time in a month I was able to actually deep sleep for longer than 15-45 minutes total for the night (I love my iwatch and how it can measure all of those lovely sleep/heart rate/respiration/etc facts for me). I woke up at 6 a.m. today energetic and ready for the day. It felt good! By noon I was dragging, but I had 6 hours of good productivity:) I start a nerve pain medication today that is supposed to help until the injections can do their job so I am hopeful. 14 years of chronic back pain has been hard, but it is getting unmanageable. The cause of the current pain is not the cause of the pain 14 years ago though. My goal is to get to go hiking again this summer. There is no way I could do it now, but it is my goal:) I still can't walk 2 miles which even 4 months ago was the least of my exercise for the day. Of course, being able to play with and hold my grandchildren is also my goal;) 

As for Grace. She has made choices that have resulted in people being upset with her. Lying, exaggerating, spreading rumors, etc have made peers upset. To the point that last week there was a physical altercation that resulted in slight injuries for Grace, and Wednesday there was another physical altercation with the same girl that resulted in Grace being taken via ambulance to Children's Hospital where she was assessed and treated for 24 hours before being released. I absolutely do not want to blame the victim here, no one deserves to be assaulted. However, Grace was not innocent in the situation and in a setting were people (including Grace) have extremely poor impulse control? This was not a surprise. Grace is now having very unfortunate natural consequences for her choices. We are hoping she learns something from it (yes, the other girl is being charged with both assaults. Again, Grace did not deserve to be assaulted, but she was not innocent in the situation and we are worried that someday someone who is actually bigger than Grace will take offense to her and really hurt her if she does not learn to stop speaking untruths). Seeing Grace in the ER (she was in a single room) along with the Family Teacher allowed us to have a long conversation with Grace and her FT about where my husband I stand with the current situation, we got to again express our heartbreak at what Grace did while she was at home making false accusations against us, and we were able to tell her that it confuses us when she worked so hard to get out of our house but then when things are hard/scary she is begging for us to be there for her. 

So, drama with my pain, and poor sleep, and viral loads. Drama with 24 hours in the ER. Drama with waiting to see next week if she will need surgery to repair possible damage. Drama with national shortages of medications. Drama with kids making poor choices. Drama with what pursing assault charges will look like navigating the juvenile criminal justice system.

But, also hope. Hope that medically things may be going in the right direction. Hope that maybe this terrible situation will wake Grace up to realities. Hope is good:)

What Does It Mean That The Girls Are "Gone"? Trying to make sense of our new normal.

 Warning, this post is going to be raw. I have tried to keep my comments, most of the time, as upbeat as possible in the past. But today isn't going to be like that. Additional warning - my thoughts are still all over the place as I am very wounded and working on healing. I don't have any answers, direction, or really a lot positive to say. So, if you choose to read on please keep that in mind. 

Grace left for residential treatment in 10/2019 after over a decade of damaging and hurtful behavior. She was out of control. People who haven't lived with someone like her just won't understand the insanity. I will share below what we recently discovered for a diagnosis. She went to residential treatment for 17 weeks prior to transferring to a residential in home program where she stayed until July 2021. When she first came home we had a 1 month honeymoon period before things got terrible really quick. 

Faith had left for the same residential program in March 2020 and came home in December 2020. That was really hard because, due to Covid procedures, we hadn't gotten to see her so did not get to see what her progress looked like. Her behaviors there were not terrible (unlike the reports we got on Grace). So we brought her home. We had about 2 good weeks with her then her choices went back to where they were before, and worse. We got through the semester of school but then got her back to the in home program as soon as we could (mid June 2021). She has stated that she does not have any desire to return to live with us. She plans to graduate from that program. When she first left the first month was very difficult. She would call and her first words would be "you need to buy me xyz." or so and so "told me to tell you that you need to by me xyz." Then we would follow up and find out that was a lie. She had nothing to say to us except essentially "you are my bank, buy me what I want." After a month we, in agreement with the staff, decided that phone calls would be stopped and only letters would be used for communication. She had shortened Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks with us because, quite frankly, she doesn't want to be here and it is extremely uncomfortable.  

So Faith was gone for 2 weeks when Grace came back home. I stated above how poorly that went. Grace went back to the residential program in January 2022 and she, too, will not return. Her situation is a bit harder to deal with. While Faith has made it clear she just doesn't want to be here, Grace is - chaos and drama incarnate. 

Here is where the not fun stuff starts. In November Grace decided that she would search online for a random person to adopt her. He asked for money. She asked people how to get it to him. He asked for her address. She gave him one (not ours) but in our small town. When the school found out what happened (she, THANK THE LORD, asked a teacher about the money situation who told the principal and it all got stopped) they asked why she wanted to be adopted to someone else and she complained about not getting to eat food she wanted, not getting along with me, etc. So, because she was going to those lengths to get adopted elsewhere we got turned into HHS. Obviously the claims were unsubstantiated so nothing happened but we were so utterly and devastatingly wounded by her behavior. THEN she (she actually told someone that if she made enough complaints about us that HHS would have to come and get her, so she would just make complains so she could get into the foster system and be adopted elsewhere) started making comments to all kinds of people that she was being "abused" at home. When we would challenge her about that and tell her to quit lying to people she just said "but I AM being abused!" I kept telling her that being on a diet from foods that make her sick and not getting her way is not abuse. During one of the many conversations I had with her, after my husband walked into a store and people turned and walked away from him, I finally got fed up and point blank said to her "do you understand that when you say you are being abused at home that people think that means someone is having sex with you!" She looked completely shocked, turned white, gave a token "sorry" eventually - but still had no idea of the hurt and pain she was causing us, and the damage to our relationships by insisting on continuing to say those things. 

Additionally, she told people that her 16 year old brother had pushed her into a wall. First of all, that is not abuse. Secondly? She never added that she hit him in the stomach and he had just grabbed her hands so she couldn't do it again. She has a long history of starting stories in the middle - conveniently AFTER her part in the situation. There is no way that we can put our sons at risk of her falsely accusing them of "abuse." So, we had to stop all activities and my husband or I had to stay home with her constantly to ensure she didn't have the opportunity to make a false accusation until we could get her out of the house to protect them (and her from her choosing twice - TWICE - to contact random stranger males and set up times to meet them). I cannot imagine how hard that was for my husband knowing what she was saying about him too. He was so hurt. So devastated and broken by her words. All to "go back into foster care and be adopted by another family because thousands of people would want to adopt me!" Ugh. It was, and is, beyond comprehension.

We took the time between Thanksgiving (when we put the application back in to the residential program) and Christmas to try to change her medications, have her counselor try to get her to understand what she was doing, neurological biofeedback interventions, IV treatments - ANYTHING to try to help her body and brain to not be so messed up so she would think more clearly and make better choices. We spent over $5000 out of pocket that month grasping at any straws that we could just to try to get her help, heal her mind and body, anything to help her get better.

When we took her in for a psychiatric appointment for medication adjustments the practitioner told us that she had no idea what was going on (welcome to the club) and to get an in depth psych eval done. So, we did. We found the most fabulous pediatric neuropsychologist who did a thorough and excellent neuropsych evaluation. Those results were validating, but defeating. Her ADHD was corroborated (no surprise). But we finally got an official diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Effect. Let me tell you - after what we have lived through for the past 15 years I am tempted to walk up to every pregnant woman that I see using alcohol or drugs and force them to live with Grace for 7 solid days. Then they will know why they should not do that!!!  But, I am getting off focus. 

Anyway, she was also given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder features. Personality Disorders can not be diagnosed until a person is an adult - but the symptoms do not just pop up in adulthood. They are present in minors - and boy oh boy is it present in Grace. I did not want to believe that was the problem. I wanted to believe it was the ADHD. The Fetal Alcohol Effect that we could somehow do some healing with. Maybe even Bipolar that could be medicated. Something else. Not Borderline PD. But, here we are. One daughter with Borderline PD and the other with Narcissistic PD. 

How do we deal with that? I don't even know. Having them out of the house makes our home much less toxic. Faith, since she doesn't care about us, doesn't contact us other than 5 sentence letters that are required as part of her program (to foster family connection). But, Grace? Since going back to the program she is calling, crying, tattling on Faith, wanting us to talk to people to get them to (essentially not require her to do things she needs to do), wanting sympathy. Acting like she didn't lie to people about being abused at home all so she could be adopted elsewhere? Seriously? Acting like she didn't lie to people we see every day making them think terrible things about us. Acting like with a "sorry" that the world is righted again.

But it isn't! For those of you who have loved people with Borderline (or Narcissism) you will get it. The rest of you? Do a few google searches. We were initially told she wouldn't be able to call for the first month while getting settled. She is calling several times a week! Crying about this or that like we can change anything or that she didn't cause the problem herself, and now she wants us to "fix" it. Until the next time we tell her "no" and she starts to lie about us again. I just can't even. I took one of the phone calls - told her that she made her choices and needs to deal with the consequences - and now she will only call my husband because he will let her ramble and complain. How he has the patience to do that when he knows what she has told people to think about him is beyond me. He is a better person than I am. 

I am mad. I am hurt. I am frustrated. I am devastated. I am without direction. I feel misunderstood. I don't even understand myself. This is a horrible situation and not anything like what I expected when we adopted. I am sure there are some great life lessons that I am supposed to be learning. I hope I will eventually learn them. Right now we have had her gone for 17 days. We are still trying to right the ship from all of the chaos and destruction she left behind. Still trying to reconcile that our daughters will NEVER live with us again. That we need to move forward - as a family of 6? How do I even define what the girls are at this point? They are our daughters, but yet not part of the family? I don't even know how to make sense of it.

I warned you. This was raw and vulnerable. I have no answers. But I know I am not alone. There are unfortunately thousands of us parents who are dealing with kiddos like this. We feel alone. A lot of people judge us and don't understand because Borderlines and Narcissists can look SOOOOO appealing to the masses. But, those of us who live with them? We know. If you are one of these parents - I am so sorry. Find people who will hear you and support you. For those who are not one of these parents? If you come across one of us? Hear us out. Listen. Please don't judge. Acknowledge that there are things that are not what they seem. Give us as safe space to heal. 

Even with all of this uncertainty, pain, sadness, and grief I know where my hope is. I know who is never surprised by anything. I know who foresaw this and will carry us through and help us grow. I know who has the power and the choice to change or not change things. I know who will guide us forward. I will choose to trust. I will choose to obey. I will choose Him.

So, how are we moving forward? By focusing on the 4 children in our lives who have been sidelined and marginalized as we have dealt with the utter insanity of the past 13 years. Before we were confined to the house just to contain behaviors. Now we are going to all of the kids' activities and I have only been home 1 day without any activities in the past 17 days. We are trying to make up for lost time with them and show them how important they are. It is new for them. They don't even know how to ask for what they need because they have just tiptoed around for years trying to not cause waves. Buddy has retreated to his room and his college classes/reading to escape the chaos of the house. Superman has become involved in sports and hanging out with friends to escape. JJ has learned to retreat within the home too and become his own island. However, we are determined as a family to heal. We will move forward. Covid was a very healing time for my husband and I and the boys. We had 10 months then to heal - we just thought we would be reintroducing the girls back at some point. Now we have had to make the mind shift that that won't happen but we can get back to life - and feeling safe from verbal and physical attacks. Wow, that takes some getting used to. Feeling safe in ones own home. It is a good feeling:) All will be well. Eventually. Soon:)

And she is gone...

 The first time the girls left we thought they would go to treatment, come back in 18ish months, and then we would have a couple of years together as a united, healthy, functional family before the 3 Middles graduated high school.

That was not to be. 2020 we held hope that was our future. 2021 showed us that "healthy and functional" was not to be. So now both girls are gone and will never live in our home again. They will remain in residential treatment until they graduate high school, then move on. 

It is a different feeling this time, with a different expectation for a future. With a different expectation of family. 

This child that we were able to get into an extensive evaluation the week before Christmas that recommended a structured residential program until graduation because of the issues discovered. Issues we had considered but did not really want to accept were reality. They are her reality. And therefore ours. 

What happens upon graduation and she leaves that program? I don't know. She vacillated between saying she wanted to be adopted by another family and never return and that she wanted to remain with our family. Time will tell that outcome. 

The last 6 weeks our family has essentially been in lockdown attempting to contain the behaviors of this child. Now we grieve, again, and look forward to whatever our new normal will be. There is a mixture of relief that we do not have to deal with the extensive issues we dealt with, and sadness that our family does not look like what we thought it would look like.

Yet, through it all we are reminded that God is sovereign. He is good. He is not surprised by this. He has a plan. He knows the future. And we can trust in Him. 

And, we have 4 children who have made different choices. 4 children, and son-in-law, and 3 grandchildren who have been marginalized for years because of all of the energy and decisions that had to be made just to survive 2 of our children. We are choosing to delight in them. Refocus our energy on them while we still have them. We are choosing Joy. 

Adoption: When Do You Give Up?

 Adoption. A word that used to bring so much excitement to me. So much joy and happiness. The hope that comes from knowing you are loving someone as your own and looking forward to a life together. Knowing that there will be ups and downs but in the end "good" will prevail.

I suppose people feel the same way on their wedding day. But, like the current statistics of a 50% divorce rate, our 4 adoptions have had 2 that have brought ups and downs but mostly joy- and 2 that have been a nightmare.

To sacrificially pour yourself in a child, to pour as many resources and researching and everything you have into a child and have them not want it back? Just like in marriage when one partner doesn't want the union to work, the same can happen with a child. 

It takes more than love: What happens when adoption fails - an article from "Today." 

"Disruption rarely occurs with infants," says Freeman, the Seattle-area adoption counselor. "But if you're talking about older children, it can be anywhere from 5 to 20 percent. It's significantly higher because of the complexities of parenting a child who already has life experiences and certain behaviors. When we're rejected and traumatized early in our development, it changes the way we function and respond to people."

Older children – especially ones who have been neglected, rejected and abused -- distance themselves from others and become "a bit hard-shelled," says Freeman.

"It's like marrying someone who's been married three or four times," she says. "Do you think they're going to go into the next marriage without any suspicions or ghosts from the past?"

We are in this situation right now. I have more friends who have adopted and disrupted than I do who have had adoptions that did not have this struggle. We have a child right now who has decided that staying with our family is something not wanted, and decided that the best way to rectify that is to tell tall tales about our family in an effort to "get readopted." Numerous varied stories are being told to different people with the idea that it will result in another placement. No care at all as to the truth of the situation. No care at all as to the harm and hurt that is causing our family. Apparently different people are being told different things but when we ask what is so terrible and horrible worth leaving our family we are told "mind your own business" and "you won't tell the principal that I should be pulled from algebra and biology." What?!?!?  WHAT?!?!?!? Again, we are now hearing that different things are being told to different people but this past 10 days since it first came to our attention has been- heartbreaking.

I think about divorced parents and kiddos who don't like the rules at one home so manipulate a situation to stay with the parent with fewer rules/expectations. This is just like that. Don't like the rules? Make up a story so you can roll the dice and find another family that will (in fantasy land) let you do whatever you want!

It is heartbreaking to us that people have heard this and not come to us. Why do people talk amongst themselves and not go to the source? That hurts too.

It is heartbreaking. It is such a betrayal to our hearts. This is not, ever, how we thought an adoption would end up. When I see people adopting now I want to run up to them and say "DON'T! IT WILL HURT TOO MUCH!!" 

I remember when we were getting ready to say yes to this child's placement and I got cold feet. I went to our pastor and said, "What if we adopt this child and they turn out to be the anti-christ? Should we really do this?" (Yes, I was being a bit dramatic). The wise words I was told reminded me that if God is sovereign (and He is) and if he decides that we are to adopt the anti-christ - then what are we going to do about it? How are we going to stop it? We can't. So, we went ahead with the placement. Here we are today, dealing with a heartbreaking situation, and I am fighting to remind myself that God is sovereign. That we did adopt the exact children God determined for us to adopt. And that just because God puts a situation in your life it does not ever mean that it will feel good or have a happy outcome.

So as we sit here wondering how in the world our situation came to this, and feeling the terrible pain of someone we love treating us like an enemy, we covet prayer and wisdom. At this point I can only cry out to Him "please!" I don't even know what I am praying for as an outcome. Just "PLEASE!" 

I am reminded of...

Romans 8:26  For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

But when I told a friend this she wisely reminded me that verses 27 -28 follow verse 26 - 

27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

 28And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

So as we pray and groan we are reaching out to "knock" on several doors and waiting to see what God opens. We have decided that if this child is willing to go to these lengths to leave, then we will facilitate that request. Waiting on God to show us the "how." Praying He chooses to answer that request very soon.

Lyme Journey - Month 4 Pain and Depression

 The past 6 weeks since the last time I posted has been a mostly unpleasant journey. My pain levels have increased and there were days that, as I sat still and not moving because of the pain, I wondered if I did not have family if I would even be able to live by myself. I thought through what I could have hired out to do and if I could manage then. Then I reminded myself that was an exercise in futility as I do have family and they do help me. So thankful for my husband and boys!

About a month ago I had x-rays to try to find out more causes of the pain and discovered that my L5 has fused to my sacrum (arthritis). That area is fused crooked and is then causing problems with the nerve between the L5 and L4. That was a reality I don't want to deal with.

So between the structural deformities causing me pain and the Lyme Disease causing me pain it has been...unpleasant. As you can imagine, it has led me to some feelings of despair and hopelessness that I will ever feel better. Our third grandchild has been born in this time as well - a cause for huge celebration! She is so precious and adorable. Unfortunately, my thoughts go to what I "can't" do with the grandkids because of my pain levels. Thankfully right now she is content to just sleep on me. I feel like a failure that I cannot help out my daughter like I would like to during this transition to 3 children. I feel hopeless for our other 5 children who will have future grandchildren and I don't know if I will be able to be the grandma to them that I want to be.

But, again, I remind myself that I cannot keep thinking that how I physically and emotionally feel today is how I will feel in the future. At the beginning of treatment I felt hopeful that I would feel better someday. 4 months in feeling worse? It has been hard to adjust mentally. I tell myself often that I can still work so I am not completely unable to contribute to the running of the household - but the reality is that at home my husband has taken on 99% of all parenting/household duties and he is getting burned out too.

Then, last week, one of our kids did something that was such an utter betrayal to us that we are still... in shock. We are so incredibly thankful to the people who rallied around us for that/this time but we are really completely and totally unsure what to do next. 

We know God is faithful and we keep moving forward seeking His guidance with each step. This life is so hard. I know it could be worse, but, really, it is so hard. We are trying to focus on the positives that we are blessed with but last week reminded us that when you think you are standing on solid ground the rug can be pulled out from under your feel and leave you looking around in shock. 

I sing hymns to myself like "I Know My Redeemer Lives" and "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" and "It Is Well With My Soul" and "Amazing Grace" and many others reminding myself of God's faithfulness, steadfastness, and goodness when it is getting hard. What would we do without Jesus? The verse I hang on it is "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." 

Persevere, Persevere, Persevere. 

Lyme Journey - 2 1/2 months into treatment

 The past few weeks have brought some changes in treatment and symptoms. I had a lot of pain for a few weeks. That has been better the past few days. The weekly B12 injections have been incredibly helpful for the hot flashes. I now have NONE during the day and only some minor ones at night. I still have to sleep with a fan blowing on me but I don't wake up drenched in sweat 4-5 times a night and then struggle to fall back asleep. I am so thankful that the injections are helping my nervous system. Energy level has not been improved like I thought it would but that may come in time - I do struggle with sleep the first few nights after my shot but not having the hot flashes balances it all out:) 

I have been on the same meds for the first 2 1/2 months 4 times a day. This weekend those medications changed up so I am a little nervous about what those changes will do as I didn't do will the first two weeks of the first set of meds. At least I know that if I feel poorly that it will hopefully only last a couple of weeks:)

I started Chelation yesterday. Since it was my first one they then test my urine output for the first 12 hours after the treatment to see exactly what metals are in my body. (Chelation is a heavy metal detoxification treatment). Those will be weekly or every other week for months. We will see how my blood work looks over time.

I also had a blood draw yesterday for an MRT which is a blood test to see what foods I am sensitive to. I am not excited about those results as it will mean I have to stay away from more than just gluten and dairy. That has been hard enough. But I know that long term healing and health will come from not eating what causes my body inflammation. 

It about maxes out my energy to just get through work and the day. When I am home I sit most of the time. I was happy that I made meals this weekend (well, one crockpot meal each day so we ate that meal all day lol!). I also get dishes done every day. My husband has taken over pretty much everything else. He has been so compassionate and helpful through all of this. He takes care of everything with the kids, medical appointments for the kids, keeping on top of parenting issues, household chores, and then all of his many responsibilities with the church and his self-employment businesses. I am so thankful for him. He worries about me but doesn't complain. He texts me when I am at work with many words of encouragement and prayer and when I am home he tells me to not overdo it and to sit and rest. I would say that we have tried to be about 50/50 in terms of household responsibilities and right now it is about 95/5.  I am so thankful for him. I know many husbands would not be as sacrificial as he is. I praise God for him:)

Lyme Journey - 8 weeks into treatment

 The last time I wrote I was 2 weeks into treatment. Now I am two months in. The first two weeks were pretty brutal and I worried if I would be able to continue to work. However, the titration of the medication stabilized so I have been able to live with the current symptoms. The medication changes in 2 weeks so I am a little nervous about what side effects will happen then. I take it 4 times a day so it is a lot to remember, but I can see signs that it is helping.

I knew nothing about Lyme Disease when I started this journey except that it was caused by being bitten by a tick and some people have "terrible" symptoms and cannot find relief. I did not know what the symptoms even were. I have spent as much time as I can since then trying to understand my symptoms and have discovered that I have probably had this for a long time. 

The research talks about 3 stages of the acute progression of Lyme. Then there is a chronic form since Lyme never actually goes away. That is what I have. Unfortunately, since I did not know what Lyme Disease was, I have assumed that the symptoms that have been the worst for me have been due to other problems. I have been so thankful for others who have spoke out about their experience as it has provided me with the validation of my symptoms that I am not making this out to be worse than it really is.

Specifically, I thought the chronic pain I am dealing with is due to a herniated disk that was diagnosed 11 years ago. Sometime in the past two years the pain got so back that I started seeing a new chiropractor who I knew performed Dry Needling as I was desperate for pain relief. After our initially assessment he informed me that my pain was not due to the herniated disk so they Dry Needling would not benefit me. That took me aback as I have been treating the pain for the past decade as if it was that. It wasn't until the Lyme diagnosis that I realize that the chronic pain is due to the nerve damage caused by the bacteria that causes Lyme Disease. I have now been started on B12 injections weekly in an attempt to improve the pain and stop, if not reduce the damage being caused. The pain is primarily in my back although it is also in the joints of my hands and feet, and in my neck and shoulders. I have to wear my tennis shoes constantly as I cannot stand the pain of going bare foot, and can only wear my tennis shoes with my custom orthotics and not sandals (thankfully I am not a person who likes pretty shoes and am willing to wear tennis shoes with skirts for work lol!). 

If I think of pain on a scale of 0-10 with 10 being the pain of childbirth (writhing and screaming incoherently:) and 7 being the stage when I would start to tear up due to the pain, for a long time I was at a 2/3 most of the time with some flare ups. I am now riding probably a 4/5 most of the time with flares at the 6/7 mark. 

Another symptom that I misattributed for 3 years were the hot flashes. I am a woman at the age when hot flashes are the norm. Why would I think it was something else? Three hot flashes an hour 24/7 bad enough to leave me dripping in sweat each time? I thought it was excessive but thought I just had to live with it. My PCP put me on hormones and thyroid medication which did help some, but now we know that the hot flashes are due to the damage to my nervous system. You know when you are startled and your body goes into "fight/flight" mode? You get lightheaded, dizzy, nauseated, and break out in a sweat when somethings scares you? Well, my nervous system does that frequently when it feels heat, anxiety, or pain. Being as that I am in chronic pain? My nervous system triggers often. Going from sitting to standing. Shifting while sitting. Standing still too long (like during worship in church or just talking with people). Bending over. Rolling over in bed. I wake up every 1-2 hours at night drenched in sweat. I have to have a fan blowing on me all night long just to keep me as cool as possible so I can get as much sleep as I do get. I dread that it is getting in the 40's at night now and we will have to turn the furnace on soon. My family is having to live with a very cold house and I wear shorts and a tank top at home just to keep my body as cool as I can. Anything warm will cause a hot flash too - so my family has learned to quit asking for hugs or touch as skin on skin is too warm. 

The Thursday before Labor Day I got a terrible migraine that lasted 4 days. The meds I have been on for the past 2 years have helped them tremendously so I was surprised that I got it and couldn't get rid of it despite using the usual tricks. Then the pain racheted up to the point where I had to quit my walks with my husband and my daily runs. We were set to go to the State Fair but the pain was so bad that I had to forgo attending. That is the first time I have not done something because of a migraine - and I have been having them for 25 years. I had been running on a trampoline 5 miles in under an hour 5-7 days a week. I had to quit for several weeks due to the pain and now my pain/endurance is such that I can only make it just over 2 miles in 30 minutes and have to quit. I can do some of the 2 mile walks with my husband like we are used to, but they are maybe once a week now and sometimes I have to cut them short. 

So, because of this I have been started on B12 injections. We are hoping for a good outcome. I should find out later this week when IV treatments will start. Another factor in here is that I have MTHFR. I had never heard of that but my PCP tested me for it - it is a DNA level problem. It essentially means that I cannot utilize B12 or folate and must take the methyl form. I initially took the regular form and it really made a noticeable difference when I took the methyl form. (as an aside, apparently if a woman has MTHFR she cannot absorb regular folate so she advised me that my daughters who have MTHFR should take methyl folate before/during pregnancies to assist in those being healthy pregnancies).

I am thankful that I can still work. I am thankful that I have a husband and family who are so incredibly supportive and understanding - they don't tell me to get over it or try to convince me it isn't that bad. My husband has taken on even more responsibilities and steps in to stop me when I try to do something that will likely make the pain worse, or tells me to sit down and rest or go take a nap. He is such an incredible man. I am so blessed to have him by my side. I am thankful for the relief that I have gotten from being dairy and gluten free - that has really made a difference for the symptoms that was causing. I am thankful that I am discovering more foods that I can eat that are safe for me and don't taste terrible:) I am thankful that God in His sovereignty led me to my PCP who was willing to keep digging until she discovered the problem. I am thankful for her taking the time to hear me and seek solutions for the pain. Since this has started I hear horror stories of people currently diagnosed with Lyme Disease who asked PCP's to run the test and were refused (being told Lyme Disease doesn't exist around here) so they had to go elsewhere to get the diagnosis so that they can get the proper treatment. Finally, I am thankful that, despite how hard it is to work so much right now, I have the finances to pay for all of this as none of it is covered by insurance. I know that is a blessing that not everyone has. 

God had a plan. He has this. He knew about it before it started and knows what the process and outcome will be. I keep praying for wisdom so I know how to proceed and then I seek to patiently trust Him for the outcome:)