Week 12: Christmas with Grace

Quite honestly, I am not sure how to think about Christmas. I will start with the great parts. Grace got to come home so we were all together after 3 months. That was very special. It was JR's first Christmas!! It was so funny to see his very mellow and laid back self just take in all of the chaos and not really bat an eye. Although, their family had 4 Christmas' in 6 days and 3 of those days were staying at the other grandparents house so he was clingy, clingy, clingy to his mama. But compared to any other "normal" kid? Still incredibly laid back:) Bella? Wow, she is a spitfire just like her mama was! Always moving and wondering and finding joy. There are few things in this world that really truly warm my heart, but seeing how our daughter parents her babies? How they respond shows they are so loved, doted on, and heard. They know they are safe. I don't get to see kids like that very often. Such a blessing!!

On to the harder side of the day...
The week before Grace came home we were preparing plans and hearts with realistic expectations. She came home and...it was hard. On Christmas Eve we enjoyed a trip to a neighboring town in our new to us that day van to look at Christmas lights. Having everyone together was good...but we all seemed to fall back into old patterns of interaction. Perhaps out of anxiety? Unknowns?

Christmas day we woke early and got to Julotta at 7 a.m. We then enjoyed talking with friends before coming home and having a special breakfast then opening gifts. Our Christmas dinner was delicious as usual. But there was a lot of tension. Grace really had a hard time with being at church and worrying how people were thinking about her. She kept saying she wished that no one knew why she was gone or where she was.

I had a migraine starting on Christmas Eve and by Christmas morning after gifts I was not in a good place so laid down. Thankfully I fell asleep quickly and when I woke 20 minutes later it was much better (and hasn't returned since then - I am so grateful!!).

In the afternoon she had an emotional meltdown that used to turn really ugly but she handled incredibly well. I am so proud of her for the skills she is learning and the tools she is choosing to use. I spent time with her and she used her words better than she ever has to describe her fears and anxieties and what set her off. Some of it was her wanting to come home now and not go to the group home, which we completely understand. And part of it was how she responds to me specifically.

That is what I have been mulling over for the past two days. I am not sure what my final thoughts are on that...

Anyway, my husband drove her back Christmas night. She had a good day Thursday, but a pretty bad day Friday. That was a good reminder to us that she really does need to go to the group home and is not ready to be home.

But how she did at home also was a blatant reminder that we still have a lot of healing to do here at home. We all have talked about what we think/feel about the visit and I think Buddy summed it up the best. Faith was extremely tense with Grace home. Her responses got JJ upset and worked up. All of their tension got me more tense than I already was. It was just a pretty...tense...visit.

But...she really was soooo much better than she was before.

So? What does that mean needs to happen next? With the family? I don't know. With the next 1+ weeks?

I don't know that either lol! I am on a much needed vacation (stay-cation) until January 6. That is 12 days without having to go to work (and my 2nd week of the year I have taken off). So, yesterday was my first day home (not counting Christmas day) and I made a long to-do list. Buddy informed me that I don't seem to know what vacation is because I kept working (gotta love being self employed lol!). I informed him that adulting means that there is always work to be done!!! I had 10 items that needed to be done Thursday and got 9 done (I put off writing the blog because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say). Then I told myself that I would just keep writing the to do list as things come to mind but would intentionally not work for a couple of days. So, even after I completed the 9 tasks Thursday including paperwork, getting insurance for our new van, and baking - I put together a 750 piece puzzle with some help from Faith and JJ. Friday I decided to do no work and started a 1000 piece puzzle. It is not even 25% done - this one might take me a few days lol!

Bottom line? I do not think I am made to do nothing:) I am still waking up between 6 and 7 to do my hour long work out. But then after I make a big breakfast I sit in the hot tub. Today we get to watch the grand kids for a few hours! I am excited about that:)

My pain levels topped out Sunday and have dropped significantly. I am now back to about where I was before - aware of it all of the time, forcing me to modify my actions/posture/etc but not stopping me from doing what I need to do. I can live with that:)

On a lighter note - the "big" gifts that we got the kids this year were fitbits. We are trying to promote healthier activity with them so are challenging them each to compete with each other for steps in a day. I got myself an iwatch a month ago that also tracks my steps, and even with my pretty sedentary job I always hit 10,000 steps a day so we thought we would get them fitbits and encourage them to have a little more understanding of how much they sit around. And I banned electronics from noon - 6 while home on vacation. Lets just say that legos and basketball are getting done more frequently now:)

Oh, and we got a Dribble Up basketball for the boys. It is really neat and I am glad it is as interesting as I hoped it would be. There is a daily basketball skill to learn ball handling and control better and charts their progress. It is pretty impressive and I hope it helps them develop the skills they need to play basketball they way they want to on the court.

Christmas day we all had a discussion during our meal of ways we saw Jesus in our lives this year. Most of our discussion was about how God moved all kinds of circumstances so that we could get help for Grace that she needs and how much we see Him working in her life. Even when situations are tense and not exactly how we would want them to be, it is still so evident that His fingerprints are all over our life.  So thankful for His Sovereignty, His Power, His Grace, His Forgiveness, and His Sacrifice!

Week 11: She was approved!

Grace was approved for the residential group home program:) She will transition from the psychiatric facility in a couple of weeks and then be in the 9-12+ month program. We got to have another few hour visit and she did well. Unfortunately she had a really bad day this weekend with a lot of consequences. She is supposed to come home Christmas Eve and Christmas day (a little over 24 hours) and we hope her choices this weekend don't prevent the visit. We are all nervous about the visit and have spent a lot of time in our family therapy sessions talking through expectations, so we are praying that she does well.

My husband and I have been looking at getting another van for over a year. We have identified a van that we want, and someone to work with (the same company we bought our current van from). It is such a difficult decision to make - we need a new van but it is so expensive. Just one more time and money consuming issue to address lol!

I have been working a lot of hours. The past few months have resulted in a lot more hours per week worked. It means my husband is having to handle more and I am not home much at all. I was thinking about it this week wondering why it was happening and then God reminded me "you have been praying for provision every night." Ah ha! So now I am praying "thank you for your provision" instead of asking for more lol! No, in all seriousness it is all good. I am sad so many people are hurting but I am so thankful that I can possibly be a part of helping them heal.  It has been adjustment at home though.

I have been having some health issues for awhile. We have gone back and forth on how to deal with it the best, most realistic, way. There are so many opinions it is hard to know who to trust. That usually results in me just doing nothing. But, I finally went to see a nurse practitioner who specializes in natural treatments. It was very eye opening. As I sat in there listening to her like she was speaking a foreign language I was wondering how many people come in to my office and while I think I am speaking completely logically they are not tracking with me either!!! Thankfully she wrote down an ENTIRE SHEET of changes I am to make.

One problem I am really struggling with is sleep. About a month ago I started taking a CBD oil at bedtime that I had tried in the past but didn't find helpful. This time I found that I started getting somewhat better sleep. But then I ran out. I had also started a new exercise program at that time and had discovered that my back pain was significantly reduced. I thought it was due to the exercise program. However, after I ran out of the CBD oil the pain came back right away. I bought more and enjoyed over 2 weeks of practically no back pain, and improved sleep! But then I started to get migraines and my head felt really foggy. I happened to get in with the nurse practitioner last Thursday and she gave me a list of things that she thinks is wrong with me. She did a great job of explaining everything (I took my blood work from the past 6 years and she showed me the patterns) even though it was like she was speaking Greek it made enough sense to me that I thought I would give her suggestions a try. And I did more blood work specifically targeting what she thinks may be going on. However, she thinks that because of those problems the CBD oil is not a good fit for me and asked me to try a different option and stop the CBD oil for 2 weeks to just try it out.

Well, today I have really wondered what is worse - back pain or a migraine/foggy brain.  Ugg. I am determined to get through the 2 weeks but it is really going to decrease my productivity and plans over Christmas break. I guess it will ensure I actually rest lol!

I am planning 12 days off due to how Christmas falls in the week. I am really REALLY looking forward to it. I went on a slow walk with the kids this afternoon and we talked about what we want the break to look like, what we want to get done, etc. We are hoping for a lot of down time (aside from paperwork, getting Buddy applied for colleges to finish his BA, etc) but I am most excited to be planning our Alaskan cruise for this summer. We have always hoped to get to do this cruise to celebrate our 25th anniversary and I think, now that we know that Grace will still be gone, that we can leave for a week and it will be ok. We are so thankful for Beautiful who will hold down the fort. We plan to go while 2 kids are at a church event for a week and another kid will be at camp. Now that the kids are taken care of we can plan the fun parts:)

Week 9 & 10: Firsts

A couple of weeks of sweet firsts:)

First time we got to take Grace out of the facility! We went out for lunch and her Christmas shopping for her siblings. It went well:)

First time Faith told me about a school event and asked me to participate in it with her!!!!!!!

First time Superman started in a basketball game - and he did amazing!!!!!! He had a play that was just amazing! Did I mention that he is, and played, amazing? :)

First basketball game for JJ. He played 3 games on Saturday in a tournament. They played against older kids so lost by a lot all 3 times, but he got out there in front of a crowd and seemed to know more or less what he was doing (for a first year basketball player. He sure knows more about it than I do lol!!).

First time that my emotions have been present for so many years. I cry pretty easily now - not in sadness or depression but just in feeling. It is so utterly unusual for me. I cried like crazy during a commercial during a football game last weekend. My family all looked at me like I was losing it as I was trying to describe what was going on. Uff da.

First time that Faith came to me at night saying she was afraid. It was clear that she was very afraid. I did 5 minutes of EMDR with her, she calmed down, hugged me (HUGGED ME!!!!), and she went to sleep. In the morning she said she slept well, and she thanked me again for helping her the previous night. I told her that I was so glad that she asked for help!

The first time that I had my Christmas cards out the first week of December!

First time that Faith had an angry time and bounced back from it without the grudge toward us lasting days or weeks. The same day she was back to normal. :)

The first time I got almost all of our Christmas shopping done by online Black Friday shopping lol! Boxes kept coming and coming all week and my husband keeps giving me grief. After all he is the "get up at 4 and Black Friday shop in person" guy lol! But, shopping is done. Yay!  AND the gifts are mostly fun gifts - not practical things like clothes like I usually do - Yay Yay!

First time I attended our church Christmas Tea. I hosted a table (Beautiful decorated it gorgeous!!), didn't spill hot tea on anyone, and had a good time! Faith came with me and swapped her tea with me because she didn't like what she chose;) I think that maybe we will experiment with some teas:)

It has been a good couple of weeks. We are thankful for the progress we are seeing in Grace and all of the kids. We are praying that Grace is accepted into the long term group home and that can sustain there. She needs time to make the skills she is learning into habit.

Thanks for your prayers for our family. God is good. Always. But right now there is a sweetness in the feeling of healing instead of the helplessness and hopelessness of waiting for it:)

Week 8: Thankful

Wednesday was 8 weeks since Grace went to the treatment facility. They requested another 30 days minimum, and next week they will be putting in the application for the long term group home. I am not sure when we will hear if she is accepted to that or not.

This week I focused that I am thankful:
for the facility and their staff, and what they are teaching Grace.
for the insurance company paying for her stay.
that she is learning strategies and is using them more often.
that the therapist is taking our concerns seriously and addressing them.
that she is being considered for the long term program so she can have the time she needs to make the changes in to habit.

I am thankful for:
my grandkids having a mother who stays home with them and has taught them that they are loved and can trust their parents. I know the pain of having kids who don't trust their parents and the negative ripple effects. What a blessing it is to see them trust. Do not take the trust of a child for granted!
getting to see my grandkids very often!!!
the blessing of my first born and her husband. They are working hard on being intentional about marriage and parenting. So grateful for that:)

I am thankful for:
a husband who is my rock. 27 years ago we met and were not believers. Yet, God has shown us infinite grace and allowed us to be sanctified together and become more unified so that we can navigate this adventure of our life together. I know that is a rare blessing. I am so thankful for him!

I am thankful for:
Snow Days!!!  So far we have had 4 days together all.day.long. Two more to go! The first 3 days were great! Today...has had moments when I am thankful that I work outside of the home lol!!!!!
I am finally relaxing. I badly needed the time off and it has been a blessing to me. I would not have taken the time for myself so I am glad I did not have to make that decision:) This morning I actually slept until 8:15!!!!  To be able to rest and not wake at 5 or 6 with my mind racing with "gotta get this done!!!!" was sweet!
Grace handling with maturity the major disappointment of us not being able to make it to her Team Meeting and first outing outside of the facility in 2 months. Hopefully we will be able to make it on Friday!

I am thankful for:
our other kids. We have been cooped up together for days and are having fun together making food, putting up the tree, celebrating Thanksgiving together, playing games... having quiet time;)  Yesterday at our Thanksgiving meal we had such sweet time of prayer. Everyone prayed and it was so precious to see what was on their hearts. It gave me hope. It also made me cry - I am thankful that my heart is softening enough to allow the tears. I have been numb and cynical for so long. It feels good to...feel:)

I am thankful for:
online shopping lol!!!!! My husband did the black friday experience in person while I enjoyed getting almost all of my Christmas shopping done online this week!

I am thankful for:
God. His timing, power, sovereignty, plan, grace, forgiveness, sacrifice, and example. I am so thankful that I can trust Him!

Week 7: prayer requests - Still moving in a good direction!

More good news:)

Grace has not had any more major incidents. That means that today she requested that next Wednesday she will be allowed off campus with us to go to lunch. The psychiatrist approved that 1-2 hour lunch visit based on her improved behavior. She is VERY excited about that. If she has any more incidents, she won't be able to come with us so I hope she can make good choices until then. 

Next Wednesday we have another Team Meeting regarding her progress/needs and the therapist will be requesting of the insurance company for another 30 day extension. Insurance is an interesting dance of determining "medical necessity." She is not behaviorally ready to leave the facility so we are praying she will get the 30 day extension. With that said she needs to be doing well enough for the long term group home to approve her to that step-down program. Thankfully the residential program is self-pay and based on our income so we can afford it and not have to keep getting insurance approvals.

The biggest problem that I see at this time is that she really REALLY has a problem with thinking "it's not fair." That is a major trigger for most of her behaviors. She 1) often misinterprets information and therefore thinks it isn't fair when it is and 2) needs to live with the fact that life ISN'T fair lol!

So...please pray that she:

1) has no more incidents and is internalizing the skills that she is being taught. Not just behavioral compliance but that her thinking becomes more appropriate.

2) gets approved for another 30 days at the facility, and 

3) gets approved for the long term group home (12+ months)

Additionally, Faith is...struggling. Please pray for her to have genuine heart change as well and that she would actually use her words to express her needs.

Thanks for caring about our family and praying for us:)

Week 6: most things are moving in the right direction!

I contemplated not writing this week as it has been yet another "complicated" week. I need to keep myself accountable to this process even if I would rather only post about results.

A lot of this week went well. Friday we went to see Grace. We had an hour of family therapy, then an hour visit. We are moving forward with the plan to have Grace transition to the long term group home after she is discharged from the psych hospital. I refuse to consider that she will not be accepted. Please pray for that outcome. It would be the best outcome for all involved. She did have a bad Monday doing something there for the first time that she had only done at home before. Clearly, even after being there for 6 weeks, she is still having very concerning behaviors. With that said, she is showing that she is trying, and transitioning to the long term group home would give her a long time to cement those skills she is learning. 

On the home front we have had some ups and some big downs. JJ has had more nights he is sleeping through the night. Superman is doing better with his responsibilities. Buddy has decided on a direction to pursue regarding where to obtain his BS in Computer Science. Faith and I had some lovely times together. Saturday was absolutely precious with her. Then Sunday came... Uggg.   She is a very tough kid. After 11 years of living with her I can confidently say that I do not know her. So when something particularly bad happened Sunday we are left wondering how to proceed. I can't make sense of it, don't know what to do, and really would appreciate your prayers for wisdom, direction, and her heart change. We are considering putting in an application to the group home for her as well...

Other positives: I actually want to do things. I feel like I am mostly feeling like I did back before the realities of the last decade. Like the woman who got a bachelors and doctorate degree in 7 years. I sleep about 6 hours at night and can't sleep any longer (it doesn't help that I rarely get to bed before midnight. But when I do get in bed by 11 I wake up at 5 lol!) - the moment I wake my mind swirls with my "to do" list and I cannot fall back to sleep. That is an improvement over waking up being consumed with anxiety about our home returning to the tension it used to have. I have also realized that I do not dread leaving my room in the morning knowing what I would face. I am realizing that I used to sleep more in the morning just to avoid tough issues in my life/home. So now I am excited to get up and get things done. It is such freedom !!  I am working crazy busy hours on top of the home projects. I am doing so much more and find that I am not in what had become my "normal" of retreating or shielding myself from others by hiding away, reading a book, and being in constant pursuit of mental escape. My body isn't hurting like it was. I feel hope again. My mind feels clear and able to concentrate and remember things. I went in for my every 3 week massage today and she told me that I was in MUCH better shape than I was 3 weeks ago. Yay! AND my blood pressure 2 months ago was at an all time high. I had never had high blood pressure in my life! Now it is back down to my normal levels:) 

I know I need to slow down work though. My husband is needing me at home more. I am tired after my 13 and 15 hour days and not available to help him. Tuesday, for the first time in my life, I wished that I was a coffee drinker as I really needed some caffeine. AND when I got home from work and my husband had to tell me about what had happened that day I told him, for the first time, that I didn't care and don't even tell me. Every other day I really try to listen to how his day has gone and the crazy stuff he has to deal with...but that day it was not happening. 

Today was my day off. It started at 6 a.m. when JJ crawled into bed waking me up so I couldn't sleep anymore. So I got up and did my work out (that I try to do 5 mornings a week - it helps my pain levels). Then I tried to clean up the kitchen from what the kids did not do last night, showered, and went to my 9 a.m. massage. Then I saw 2 clients that I couldn't fit in the rest of the week, came home for 25 minutes. During that time I did some fast cleaning and rushed over to see Bella since it is her 2nd birthday today!!!! yay!!!! I took her some treats and was out the door in under 5 minutes. Then we rushed to the school where we had a fun meeting with the principal... After that we got home and I finished up 3 psych evals. I then got back in the car to go get the kids from school. I finished up more paperwork at the table while supervising the kids actually doing their homework, telling myself I was done doing things for the day. Then I remembered I had to scan some papers in and send them off. Then I saw the fleece fabric for Bella's birthday blanket and remembered I was supposed to have it done for her birthday party - tomorrow! I got two little blankets sewed up for her, got Faith started making grilled cheese for supper, and drove JJ to basketball practice. I came back and told my husband I was done for the night and was going to put my feet up and asked him to get JJ after practice (rifle season starts on Saturday. My husband is spending every spare moment trying to build shelves in the garage, after ripping out the cabinets, so he can actually make room to get the deer in the garage lol!). But did I actually put my feet up? of course not lol! Then I remembered that I really need to stay accountable and keep up with writing this. I can easily get lazy and stay task oriented without stopping to assess how I am doing because I am too focused on what I am doing. The last task I need to get done tonight is to write my grandmother a card. Her birthday was the 5th...sigh... I wanted to send her pictures with the card but didn't get them picked up until today. So...

Birthday card to Grandma. Then done. No more. Done for the night. maybe... 

Week 5: A Roller coaster Week

JJ woke us up this morning at 5:30. He is still not sleeping well. At least it wasn't 2:30 like 2 days ago:) Despite the fact that I didn't get to sleep until after midnight last night, I could not fall back asleep as I kept replaying this week in my mind so thought I would just get up and write the thoughts swirling in my mind.

I had a long post written out already on my thoughts about RAD but today my thoughts are focused elsewhere.

Last Thursday I spent the day talking with 3 different friends and my husband (all separately). I talked through my thoughts and feelings. I thought through why my body keeps screaming at me that I am not as well as I want to think that I am doing. Through all of that talking and sifting through thoughts I came to the conclusion that, at the root, I remain quite fearful of Grace returning home and life reverting back to how it was before. Then, when we woke up on Friday morning to go as a whole family (minus Buddy who was in college classes that morning) to visit Grace - I had broken out in hives. I didn't realize what it was until I was researching it on the way home from the visit, but for the first time ever I had hives. Unpleasant things they are;) Stress does a body bad!

The visit was awkward. There really is no other way to think about it. Thursday night during a phone call she had raised her voice at me and argued - the staff who were listening in on the conversation gave her a consequence for it since that is not healthy communication. Friday during the visit we all sat uncomfortably making stilted small talk. As we later reflected on it, it was like being in a room with an animal that has previously been both cuddly and sweet to you, and has bitten you. How do you sit with that animal? Do you trust it to not bite you again? It seems like we look for "triggers" and what we can stop doing so we don't "cause" the bite to happen again. But what happens if there is no rhyme or reason? When it is inconsistent. When it has eventually resulted in you stopping so many things in fear of "triggering" it that you are paralyzed in the corner thinking anything you do could possibly cause a bite? And, almost worse, when you start to believe that you are actually at fault for getting bitten.

Back to the visit - Beautiful and I tried to, again, talk with her about what she wants when she leaves there. What plans she has about how to use the skills that she is learning to generalize back to home. She kept saying she didn't know, didn't think about it, didn't want to think about it, then got agitated. In the past agitated means back off or unpleasant things happen. Everyone in the room got increasingly wary, so I just changed the subject. But it left me with the continued fear that she is not making the changes she needs to make, nor is she being intentional about planning for her discharge.

Fear. Uggg.

Over the weekend my husband and I discussed the situation after yet another bad phone call on Sunday where she again got a consequence for raising her voice and arguing (the only question we ask her before she does this is "what are you learning that you plan to generalize back home?" We have not been on the same page about her discharge plans. After the visit, and numerous disappointing phone calls on this topic, our discussion that day was in agreement - discharging her from the facility to the long-term placement seems like it is best for those of us still here and for Grace to live in an environment where she has time and structure to turn the skills she is learning into habit.

That brings me to last night. She called last night and we brought up this Friday's family therapy session and that we would be asking some hard questions and needing to make plans for discharge.

Then...

She said that she wants to discuss if her therapist and us agree that she should move to "campus." That is the long-term program she was initially denied due to her needing more stabilization first. The one that we want her to go to.

I was so happy that she was thinking ahead. I asked her to have her reasons for this ready to discuss on Friday and she actually already knew them and told us. Some of them are well thought out and mirror our thoughts on the topic. Not surprising one of the peers on her unit had just transitioned to "campus" and Grace had been hearing about it. She also said, "it isn't as strict as here." I tried to explain to her that we had already interviewed for that placement and if she remembered what that interviewer had told us. She was surprised by that. My husband and I think she is just looking for an "out" since we are clear she needs to show more change before she can come home, but it is a healthier thought process than "I don't want to think about it."

So, I am sad that she isn't making faster change and thinking on how to generalize it home, but I don't think that was a realistic goal. I am glad she is now thinking about how moving home would not just be a given without proving change first.

I am sad that, in Superman's words "I thought she kept saying that she wanted to come home, now she wants to be gone longer?" But it really solidifies the thoughts that have been, unfortunately, swirling in my head all week about Reactive Attachment Disorder. I mistakenly thought she was more attached than she clearly is. That has been the hardest pill to swallow this week... I need to process that more before I post those thoughts...

I feel guilty that I feel relief. But, I do feel relief. I was consumed with "what are we going to do when she gets home given that she can't even have a 10 minute phone call with me about real issues without yelling." The fact that she has initiated this conversation is...a relief too.

So, this week has been really heavy and scary with a visit and phones calls that were awkward and seemed to show a lack of change. But it ended on a high note that kept me awake this morning as my thoughts vacillated between feeling relief and guilt/sadness. I know it is the right plan. I am sad it is the right plan. But I know that it is it the right plan.

Lets see what the roller coaster ride looks like next week;)