JJ woke us up this morning at 5:30. He is still not sleeping well. At least it wasn't 2:30 like 2 days ago:) Despite the fact that I didn't get to sleep until after midnight last night, I could not fall back asleep as I kept replaying this week in my mind so thought I would just get up and write the thoughts swirling in my mind.
I had a long post written out already on my thoughts about RAD but today my thoughts are focused elsewhere.
Last Thursday I spent the day talking with 3 different friends and my husband (all separately). I talked through my thoughts and feelings. I thought through why my body keeps screaming at me that I am not as well as I want to think that I am doing. Through all of that talking and sifting through thoughts I came to the conclusion that, at the root, I remain quite fearful of Grace returning home and life reverting back to how it was before. Then, when we woke up on Friday morning to go as a whole family (minus Buddy who was in college classes that morning) to visit Grace - I had broken out in hives. I didn't realize what it was until I was researching it on the way home from the visit, but for the first time ever I had hives. Unpleasant things they are;) Stress does a body bad!
The visit was awkward. There really is no other way to think about it. Thursday night during a phone call she had raised her voice at me and argued - the staff who were listening in on the conversation gave her a consequence for it since that is not healthy communication. Friday during the visit we all sat uncomfortably making stilted small talk. As we later reflected on it, it was like being in a room with an animal that has previously been both cuddly and sweet to you, and has bitten you. How do you sit with that animal? Do you trust it to not bite you again? It seems like we look for "triggers" and what we can stop doing so we don't "cause" the bite to happen again. But what happens if there is no rhyme or reason? When it is inconsistent. When it has eventually resulted in you stopping so many things in fear of "triggering" it that you are paralyzed in the corner thinking anything you do could possibly cause a bite? And, almost worse, when you start to believe that you are actually at fault for getting bitten.
Back to the visit - Beautiful and I tried to, again, talk with her about what she wants when she leaves there. What plans she has about how to use the skills that she is learning to generalize back to home. She kept saying she didn't know, didn't think about it, didn't want to think about it, then got agitated. In the past agitated means back off or unpleasant things happen. Everyone in the room got increasingly wary, so I just changed the subject. But it left me with the continued fear that she is not making the changes she needs to make, nor is she being intentional about planning for her discharge.
Fear. Uggg.
Over the weekend my husband and I discussed the situation after yet another bad phone call on Sunday where she again got a consequence for raising her voice and arguing (the only question we ask her before she does this is "what are you learning that you plan to generalize back home?" We have not been on the same page about her discharge plans. After the visit, and numerous disappointing phone calls on this topic, our discussion that day was in agreement - discharging her from the facility to the long-term placement seems like it is best for those of us still here and for Grace to live in an environment where she has time and structure to turn the skills she is learning into habit.
That brings me to last night. She called last night and we brought up this Friday's family therapy session and that we would be asking some hard questions and needing to make plans for discharge.
Then...
She said that she wants to discuss if her therapist and us agree that she should move to "campus." That is the long-term program she was initially denied due to her needing more stabilization first. The one that we want her to go to.
I was so happy that she was thinking ahead. I asked her to have her reasons for this ready to discuss on Friday and she actually already knew them and told us. Some of them are well thought out and mirror our thoughts on the topic. Not surprising one of the peers on her unit had just transitioned to "campus" and Grace had been hearing about it. She also said, "it isn't as strict as here." I tried to explain to her that we had already interviewed for that placement and if she remembered what that interviewer had told us. She was surprised by that. My husband and I think she is just looking for an "out" since we are clear she needs to show more change before she can come home, but it is a healthier thought process than "I don't want to think about it."
So, I am sad that she isn't making faster change and thinking on how to generalize it home, but I don't think that was a realistic goal. I am glad she is now thinking about how moving home would not just be a given without proving change first.
I am sad that, in Superman's words "I thought she kept saying that she wanted to come home, now she wants to be gone longer?" But it really solidifies the thoughts that have been, unfortunately, swirling in my head all week about Reactive Attachment Disorder. I mistakenly thought she was more attached than she clearly is. That has been the hardest pill to swallow this week... I need to process that more before I post those thoughts...
I feel guilty that I feel relief. But, I do feel relief. I was consumed with "what are we going to do when she gets home given that she can't even have a 10 minute phone call with me about real issues without yelling." The fact that she has initiated this conversation is...a relief too.
So, this week has been really heavy and scary with a visit and phones calls that were awkward and seemed to show a lack of change. But it ended on a high note that kept me awake this morning as my thoughts vacillated between feeling relief and guilt/sadness. I know it is the right plan. I am sad it is the right plan. But I know that it is it the right plan.
Lets see what the roller coaster ride looks like next week;)
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