What I Learned on Vacation 2019

March of 2019 we took our 2019 Family Vacation. We had to make a decision of going with or without our oldest daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter. Since that was not really a question, we ended up having to take this vacation in March before she gets too pregnant with our grandson to travel comfortably (who is due 8/7).

Can't wait for grand baby #2!!!!!!!!

We always talked about wanting to go to the beach as a whole family so decided to do it this year with only 1 grandchild instead of chasing 2 lol! We have been to Mazatlan, Mexico 5 times (usually with only 2 kids) and LOVE IT there. So, we thought we would try a beach within driving distance and Surfside, Texas was the chosen destination. We got a VRBO house on the beach and experienced staying in our first house on stilts. Having a pregnant woman in a house was always slightly moving was a new experience lol! I myself just tried to imagine I was on a cruise ship ;) Surfside is definitely not Mazatlan, but we had a good time. When I tried to think about some of the reasons I prefer Mazatlan I realized that in Mexico we are with my parents and they take care of a ton of the logistics. In Surfside my husband and I were the parents who had to take care of all of the logistics (although admittedly my husband took care of more than I did) lol! Vacations are just easier when someone else is in charge of the hard stuff and the only thing you have to worry about it swimming in the pool vs the ocean or how often to apply sunscreen;)

But, that wasn't the lesson that I was referring to that I learned on this vacation. It was windy and therefore chilly for the days that we were there, the first 3 days being worse than the last 2. Thankfully the kids chose to just enjoy the novelty of the ocean and sand and play regardless of the cold. That meant that I had hours and hours to sit on a beach (in two hooded sweatshirts and a blanket) and watch them...and think. I don't get much opportunity to just let my brain run through random thoughts, but it was fruitful. I should make it more of a priority:)

As I watched the waves and considered how the wind was making the waves so chaotic and choppy that my husband had to reschedule his deep sea fishing for 2 days, I thought about how irritated I was that the state of the ocean was disrupting our vacation. That got me thinking about how much it hurts and frustrates me that our daughters disrupt the lives of our whole family. I seek to contain the destruction they cause and protect others from them, and impress upon our daughters that they should not do it, but they do.

I sat there and asked God why he won't just change their hearts, since He is fully capable. Then I "reminded" God of the time Jesus said, "be still" and the waters were still.

But then God reminded me:
Jeremiah 5: 22    I made the sand a boundary for the sea,

an everlasting barrier it cannot cross.The waves may roll, but they cannot prevail;they may roar, but they cannot cross it.

 Isaiah 51: 11 10

Was it not you who dried up the sea,the waters of the great deep,who made a road in the depths of the seaso that the redeemed might cross over?

Job 38:8-11 

8 “Who shut up the sea behind doorswhen it burst forth from the womb,9when I made the clouds its garmentand wrapped it in thick darkness,10when I fixed limits for itand set its doors and bars in place,11when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;here is where your proud waves halt’? 

God reminded me that while he can calm the waters/instantly change my daughters' hearts, that it isn't how He has set things in motion. I thought of the violence of the ocean and yet how God has placed a perimeter up for it and other entities that control it. We don't see Him standing there Himself using His hands to push and pull and stop and move. Some of what I thought of that He uses:

The earth uses gravity to hold the water to the ground.
The moon uses gravity to pull the tides back and forth every day.
The sun produces heat that affects the water temperature.
The rotation of the earth causes the wind, currents, etc.
The shorelines are all different - some high and rocky and some low and sandy affecting how far the water can go.
Earthquakes under the ocean happen that creates incredible disruption and destruction.


Yet, God is ultimately in control of it all.

And. I. Am. Not.

I keep trying to be all of those things to my daughters and I cannot be. I can't be their conscience, judge, discipliner, encourager, teacher, challenger, playmate, etc all by myself. I am exhausting myself and becoming more cynical, bitter, resentful, and jaded than I was at the beginning. 

In my musings I considered that maybe my role is to be the moon. I am to reflect the sun (Son), but I have no real power on my own. I have to trust all of the other pieces of the process that God has orchestrated to put it all together to serve His purposes. His outcome. His timing. His way. And sometimes I won't like the outcomes (like a tsunumi destroying an entire island or country) but ultimately the outcome isn't my responsibility to bear.

Then, as if that wasn't convicting enough to humble me, I came back and listened to Timothy Keller's sermon on pride and humility. Wow. One little tiny comment he made toward the end of the sermon was about how pride steals our joy. Ouch. Did you notice above when I said I was upset that the ocean was disrupting our vacation? And our daughters' behavior disrupts our lives? Talk about pride issues. Again, ouch. My joy is to be independent of "stuff." So, that was lesson #2...

https://podtail.com/en/podcast/timothy-keller-sermons-podcast-by-gospel-in-l/pride-the-case-of-nebuchadnezzar/

And because God really wants me to learn this, once and for all, I listened to this Timothy Keller sermon on God's Still Small Voice. Very encouraging. Very convicting. I completely put God in a box and have self-centered and limited expectations. I was also very impressed with Timothy's interpretation on how to care for someone (and maybe more importantly - how NOT to approach someone) when they are discouraged or in despair. This is by far one of my favorite sermons.

https://play.acast.com/s/timothykellersermonspodcastbygospelinlife/the-still-small-voice



So, here I am, 13 days post vacation, and I am still feeling a sense of peace. Not typical for me, I can assure you. I feel that, at least for now, I have honestly laid the baggage and burden of living with a chaotic ocean at the foot of the cross. I am working on leaving it there. I am also working on living with the reality that just because I have done this it doesn't mean that the hurricanes and tsunamis won't still rock our home. I am just finally realizing that I don't have to drown in guilt, resentment, frustration, fear, anger, bitterness, betrayal, cynicism, and despair when it does...

2018 Reflections: Receiving Gifts

I have not posted in 6 months. Life has had a lot of ups and downs in the past 6 months and I haven't known what to say about that. I have been a bit burned out in my various duties of life and living in survival mode much of the time, waiting for the next wave to come and rock my boat. While I feel like I am swimming stronger (unlike the past few years when I felt like I was barely treading water) I feel a little like I have lost my heading. There have been a lot of good times too, but usually when that happens I wonder what will happen next. This Christmas I had 14 entire days off of work. I will admit, I had initially dreaded it. To be home with my kids who are home from school and therefore out of normal routine? My husband seriously questioned me when I told him I was taking the week of Christmas off. He told me straight out that he didn't think I could handle it. I was a wee bit offended, after all I had taken time off to help him out. No plans, no schedule, no trips - just our family home. Sounds like_____.

And the filling in of that blank is what God has been working on in my heart this Christmas. I realized that I am really a pessimist. Skeptical. Expecting the worst in a situation. I like to think I am a realist but...maybe I am not thinking accurately? I find it interesting to think of people as the characters of Winnie the Pooh. I have always thought of myself as Rabbit (and proud of it lol!) but maybe I am more Eeyore than I thought?

It is no secret that my kids are hard to raise. Parenting special needs kiddos with attachment issues is not an easy feat. My job is a difficult one where I come face to face with the realities of the harshest evils people do to one another. It has made me lose, well, a lot of things. Hope, faith in people, optimism...joy.

This Christmas God has been helping me with perspective. He did it in interesting ways that I did not seek out. He is reminding me that He is present. He loves me. He wants to bless me. I don't have much of a problem with the first 2, but I really struggle with the 3rd one. I have been wrestling with why I cannot simply receive a blessing. I feel like I don't deserve it, I feel guilt for receiving it, I feel like there are strings attached/ulterior motives, and I feel like as soon as I relax into receiving something it will be taken from me. I am fully aware of the irony that when others say these things to me I have all kinds of truths to speak to them, but I can't seem to own it myself. So, God apparently decided to push the envelope a bit:)

I was sick Christmas Eve and Day. Grace had it Friday morning. We had family here from out of state Saturday for Christmas and thankfully no one was sick for that. I used lots of oils and supplements to try to get everyone's immune systems up - and gave everyone Raindrop massages. Then I got sick on Monday and Tuesday. As I laid there feeling awful I had to chuckle that I didn't even have enough energy to read a book. Those of you who know me know that I read A LOT and if I don't have the energy to read something I am really not doing good lol! It did give me a lot of time to think. I thought about how thankful I was that it was me that was sick and not anyone else in the family. I was thankful for how my family rallied and got Christmas done without any work on my part at all. The girls even gave me a Raindrop massage - only on my feet - and all I had to do was hand them the essential oils in the right order. I was thankful for how my husband prepared the entire Christmas meal. I was thankful that I had enough energy to sit and watch the traditional Christmas Eve movie with the kids, and they were satisfied with what I could give them of myself and not complain that I couldn't give more (and I was REALLY thankful for Activated Charcoal that meant I was sick...but I never got sick lol!)

That last point really stuck with me. I am a server. My Love Language is Acts of Service. I like to do for others. I do not feel comfortable receiving but I enjoy doing. So for my family to be ok with me just taking from them at Christmas? For me to nap a lot, sit around, and not help at all? That was very uncomfortable for me. Christmas is supposed to be about me serving my family! Ah... That was part of the shift in perspective. First off, I was not necessary. There was so much freedom in knowing that I could trust my family (i.e. mostly my husband) to just take care of life. And they never tried to make me feel guilty (not that they would, but I found it interesting that I thought they would...).

So, in addition to that God put 3 more situations in our path in the past week that also made us think about our hearts on this topic of giving and receiving. In the course of a week we had 3 times when people anonymously gave us food. A significant blessing of food. I, again, was surprised at the negative direction my heart initially went. I worried that people somehow thought that I could not provide food for my family. My husband, thankfully, had better perspective than I and asked me why I struggled to just allow a gift to be a gift? We talked through that and I came to be able to have peace about just receiving the blessings.

Over and over again we have been gifted with no strings attached gifts. Ones we cannot refuse or return since we don't know who is gifting them. I initially felt guilty for accepting them (I am really realizing how much I struggle with feelings of guilt and realize how much they are driven by a need for self-sufficiency - no wonder God is really hammering this lesson home - I need to be God-sufficient!) My husband and I are humbled by the generosity of these anonymous people. We are really humbled by what God seems to be driving home - we need to accept these freely offered gifts. We haven't earned them. We have no idea why we are being given them except that someone has determined "you should have it." Over and over again I slip into the mindset that I have to do MORE. I have to EARN God's blessings. That I am not good enough and don't deserve the good He gives me. That the good will be taken from me... Focus on the negative so I won't be disappointed when my boat capsizes. It is ironic that I call others out for this type of thinking yet I am steeped in it myself...

There is a shut-in that I visit. She has no support system. I have tried to offer her options and she won't accept them. I get so frustrated that she won't. When I told her I wanted to do something special for her for Christmas she asked for some Christian music from a specific singer and for a shrimp basket from a local restaurant since she cannot get out of her home to go out to eat and lives on food from meals on wheels. She did not want to receive those gifts from me - telling me it was too much. It took a lot of convincing on my part and she felt bad she had no gift for me (which would have lessened my joy in doing it for her). This situation was yet another wake up call to me that others may possibly be wanting to come along side me and be part of my support system but I turn them away, reducing their joy too. I have felt that I am making it easier on others if I don't allow them get caught up in the messiness of my life. I went out to lunch with a friend last week (ha - that happens about twice a year!) and she repeated to me over and over that she wants to be a more involved part of our family and help. I will accept:)

 So, this Christmas season God seems to be reminding me - I am here. Just receive Me.

I repeat these verses to myself often, but I clearly am struggling to own them. Thankfully God is so patient in my sanctification process:)

James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Ephesians 2:8-10

 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Our son met his birth mom - how do I feel about that?

Bear with me for a moment as I express my appreciation for Marvel movies. As I have processed our son "meeting" his birth family for the first time, I also watched Black Panther for the second time. I really like this movie and it has struck a chord with both times I have watched it. I remember in the theater that I was so struck by the plot line. That one may think that a choice is wise in the moment: given the current information available, the current cultural beliefs/pressures, emotions that are at play, etc. That sometimes someone may have thought they considered all of the angles before making a decision but then the outcome is something they didn't think would occur (or at least hoped would not occur) or was completely not even considered as an alternative. Decisions made now weave in with other's decisions and emotions that look like a can of worms that result in outcomes in the short or long-term that can be...well...a mess. Sometimes we know we should do something, sometimes we know we don't want to do something but it has to be done, and sometimes we are between a rock and a hard place and don't know how to find any solution that makes sense for the greater good. Of course, then we think we come up with a workable solution (like t' challa did) and then it all makes no difference because the unexpected happens and makes it irrelevant (like Thanos destroying 1/2 of mankind). Ok, enough of Marvel...

I have met a lot of adoptive parents who have said they want their adopted child to have no contact with their birth family citing all kinds of reasons - some quite unkind to the birth parent and some seemingly out of compassion of the bond between the adoptive parent/child. When making that decision for ourselves we read a bunch of books, talked with a bunch of people who had been adopted and either did or did not have contact with their birth families, and took into account the specific details of our adoption situations.

We have two children who have no contact with their birth mom/families. We were told that by the State when we adopted them out of foster care. Given the documentation we were allowed to see we fully agreed with that directive. We have another child who did have an open adoption with the maternal grandparents and sister but it became too difficult for the birth family over time for various reasons. We have another child that has an open adoption plan. We have opted to have a facebook account for him where his birth mom is his only "friend." This allows us to have messages back and forth as well as pictures. She opted for this mode of communication versus just sending emails. I have kept all of the messages both ways, printed them out, and have them in a book for our son to read when he is older.

I have concluded that there is no "one size fits all" for adoptions. There are too many factors involved to say that it "should" be one way or another. And there are too many shades of gray regarding contact. We clearly have 2 adoptions with definitive "no contact at all" with birth parents (although with adopted out bio siblings we can have contact). But any adoption that has contact has many different ways that could happen. And just because it starts one way, doesn't mean that it continues that way. The emotional health of the adopted child and the birth family may change over time requiring an adjustment to be made.

Another very real factor? When one child in your home has a different type of contact with their birth family than another child does. Does the jealousy and feelings of abandonment with one child mean that another child should not have contact with their birth family? How does one navigate all of that with children who have hurting hearts and don't have the perspective to see things from a mature point of view?

I have decided that I don't know what the "right" answer is. I am making decisions based on how a situation is working in the moment, and hope that there won't be too much collateral damage. When Grace was allowed sleep overs and contact with her birth family, the other kids felt left out. But when her family decided that they wouldn't have any more contact she was devastated. I know why they did what they did, and reached out trying to bridge the gap, but it still hurt her. She recently sent a letter to her sister after 3 years of no contact, and her sister did write back. I am hoping they can form a connection that way.

JJ's situation has been different. While his bio mom has asked for contact, she may not respond to my messages for a year at a time. She admits that after the birth of another child and around JJ's birthday she is particularly emotional and has a hard time so just chooses to not have contact for awhile. I completely understand that. However, a couple of weeks ago she wrote out of the blue and asked if JJ's full bio sister (11 months older) could video call with him. I had wrote back asking for times that might work. A week ago when I got on the site she happened to write back immediately saying that his sister would be leaving for the summer in a week so...we ended up having a electronic face to face conversation right then. For almost 2 hours.

The conversation itself went better than I could have expected. Thankfully his younger 1/2 brothers (3 of them) were very talkative and asked tons of questions keeping the conversation going. Between JJ and his full bio sister, they are both quite shy in new situations (and both of them have quite noticeable difficulty with speech) so it was awkward at first. We had kept our other kids out of the room initially, but then his birth siblings wanted to see them so we brought them in for a bit. That brought up emotions for our kids.

At the beginning his mom wouldn't get into the screen. I am not sure if she was trying to respect the connection between the 2 siblings or if she wanted to not push the issue of her talking to him - trying to be sensitive to him (or me). She has expressed frustration once in the past that we have not flown him out to meet her, when we did not know that she was wanting that type of contact prior to him being much older. Since we had no prep prior to the call I had no way to prepare myself, my kids, JJ, or set boundaries/expectations with her. However, once I encouraged her that she get into the screen so JJ could see her too she did so...then his other siblings piled on the couch too and it was easier.

Ironically, it was her husband who eventually got in the screen and kept the conversations going. He asked very thoughtful questions to JJ and Superman (we had the girls leave again). When his mother started to cry and had to leave the screen it was her husband who explained to JJ that it wasn't his fault and she was just so happy to see him.

There were two hard parts of the conversation that, afterwards, JJ kept bringing up over and over. One was when they asked about our religion and JJ felt like they didn't believe that we are Christians. The other issue was about JJ's speech. His mom asked about his speech saying she has a "lisp" and so does his sister, and wondered if he did too. In the past I had messaged her about the Apraxia diagnosis (asking if she had his sister tested for it since I  knew she was in speech therapy too) but obviously with her listening to him the issues were clear. I then tried to explain (very generally and generically) about the Apraxia, how it affects his speech, sleep, eating, hand coordination, etc. His mom started to cry then asking if it was her fault. So I had JJ seeing his mom cry, her crying and feeling guilty, and me trying to figure out how to calm both down. Her husband was very helpful with that with both of us saying to her that it wasn't her fault and sometimes things just happen.

But what did come out of the conversation is that his mom and sister both have speech issues and major digestive system issues (just like JJ). However, his sister is gluten and dairy intolerant - I am thankful that (as far as we know according to the upper and lower GI's that JJ had a couple of years ago) that he does not have those problems to deal with. I had known that his mom had a lot of eating issues and was on IV's during his pregnancy due to dehydration/low weight gain. His sister is 11 months older than him and is smaller than him. Based on our conversation I still believe that his issues are a mixture of genetic influence and her health during the pregnancy and she could not have prevented any of it. It is not her fault.

While those issues were difficult there were lots of fun facts: JJ's penchant for Chinese food must be genetic - it is also their favorite food lol! He has the same chin and eyebrows as his sister, otherwise he looks like his dad. He has the same favorite color as his dad (and none of us lol!). The brother just younger than him was by far the most talkative. JJ couldn't quite understand why he was white with an afro lol! Trying to explain the different dads (that brother's dad is white) was complicated but I think we got it:) JJ's dad now owns and is the head chef for a restaurant in Las Vegas. JJ has 3 sisters and a brother from his dad (as opposed to 1 sister and 3 brothers from his mom) and 6 nieces and nephews his age from his dad.  All of those were fun tidbits to discover and I think it made JJ feel good to talk about them.

However...there has also been fallout. JJ has been much more clingy. While he has never been good about sleeping through the night he is back to waking me up in the middle of the night every night (despite sleeping 4 feet away from me on a mat on our floor since he is again not sleeping in his room...sigh...) and when I ask, "hey Buddy, what do you need?" He is answer is "I need you to hold me." Ok, Bud, Ok... He has had 2 nighttime accidents that he hasn't had in over 2 years. He has shut down about the call and his thoughts. Because his sister was about to leave for their father's house for the summer for visitation we did another call on Thursday (she left Friday). That call was just with his sister (his mom was in the background but didn't get in the screen at all). He was very shut down and gave bare minimum answers to the bunch of questions she asked him (e.g. what is your favorite song, your favorite singer, your favorite fruit, etc). I could not get him to open up to her or me. That call was much shorter. I know he has questions about why he was adopted and the other 4 were not - I have answered that the best I can. I know he wonders about his birth dad since his sister gets to spend the whole summer with him. It is all new, he is young...maybe over time he will feel safer asking questions.

Tuesday was apparently quite the difficult day for the family. I was at work so my husband had to deal with the yuck. Wednesday I found out about it and we had a long family meeting. JJ was saying some hurtful things about not caring about our family and wanting to go live with his birth family. Of course he is confused in his loyalties right now. I completely understand that. Does that justify him not having any contact with them so he won't be split? I don't know that is the answer. Somehow I had to sit them all down and pull us back together. I asked him that if Bella gets a little brother or sister will he stop loving Bella? He thought I was crazy. I told him there was no reason why he can't love BOTH Bella AND a younger niece/nephew just like he can love BOTH his birth family AND his adoptive family. Neither family is less than the other. Just because he is with one doesn't mean he can't love the other just the same. Thankfully his mom had written me a note of appreciation for the video call and was so sweet. She again reiterated that she chose us to be his family, she is very happy that we are his family, he seems to be doing well in our family, and she would not have been able to provide for him if she had kept him at that time in her life. When I read that to him and reminded him that she chose us and if he is angry about that he is disrespecting her choice, not just us he seemed to see the situation differently and settle his emotions. I tried to pull in each kid and how they were each feeling about the whole situation. I have some kids who are more aware of their feelings and will talk..and others who are a brick wall and their emotions come out in behavior. Eh...I think the conversation went ok. The week since then (including the next day when he talked to his sister) have gone much better. No more negative comments have been made and when I point blank asked him today if he still wanted to live with his birth family he said "no." I know he is conflicted because his words and his behavior don't match up. And he struggles so much with even knowing, much less retrieving the right words to explain something tangible much less intangible like emotions.

So, pretty much everything feels like a big can of worms that had to be opened but is not any fun to deal with. I can't ignore the can, I can't throw the can away, I have to allow those worms to crawl all over and intersect with one another resulting in outcomes that I can't predict or sometimes even like.. I can control as much of it as I can, but the rest I have to have faith will proceed the way it should. Not MY way, but the way that God decided. I just want to do the "right" thing and I don't get to know that ahead of time. Ugg, lack of control, my least favorite feeling!!!!! :)

Living with RAD: The Realities of Gaslighting

This has been a very dark time for our family. I have felt like my brain was a box of 5000 puzzle pieces and I could not get even 2 pieces fit together. In the past several days I have been able to finally articulate some of the issues, with the support of faithful friends, and have been processing the way I do best - writing it down and revising it over and over and over. It helps me "put the pieces together" in a way that I cannot do otherwise. I certainly do not have the entire puzzle put together. So in that way this writing is a point in time of a process so please remember that when reading. We are by no means at any end point. This post is long, I debated about posting it at all, but I am again choosing to be vulnerable and raw about our life. I am not looking for pity. I am not looking to be dramatic. I am not looking to disparage my children. I know that I am not the only parent of kids with RAD and I want to let them know they are not alone, and perhaps others who know of families that have kids who have RAD symptoms can get a better idea of what it like for that struggling family.

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): The diagnosis that no adoptive parent wants to hear, much less experience with their child. A diagnosis that feels hopeless when it is uttered, much less experienced. It is like cancer in the medical field: extraordinarily difficult to treat, permeates every single aspect of one's life, and leaves the many involved parties forever changed - usually in not so positive ways. 

The official symptoms of RAD are:

A. A consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward adult caregivers, manifested by both of the following:

• The child rarely or minimally seeks comfort when distressed.
• The child rarely or minimally responds to comfort when distressed.

B. A persistent social or emotional disturbance characterized by at least two of the following:

• Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others
• Limited positive affect
• Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during nonthreatening interactions with adult caregivers.

Can I just say that when one is actually living with someone with RAD these symptoms do not even come close to encompassing what it is actually like or all of the ways that a child with RAD actually acts? And each child will look differently in how this manifests. If I were writing the diagnosis I may say something like:

1) child will run hot and cold with verbal and physical kindness. Cold meaning that you feel like you are living with a brick wall every time you attempt to get close. They get close on their timeline and on their terms.

2) child will present well to everyone outside of the family and they will not believe what you tell them happens in the house

3) You will feel like your head is spinning trying to discern fact from fiction or looking for logic. You will very often think, "you have got to be kidding me."

I can give a hundred examples of all of the ways that this plays out in a child's life, and in the life of the family. However, I am going to focus on one symptom that is (in my opinion as a parent of 2 RAD children) the most exhausting and infuriating, and leads to the most heartache and feelings of helplessness...gaslighting.

Gaslighting

A definition "A form of intimidation or psychological abuse, sometimes called Ambient Abuse where false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory, perception and quite often, their sanity."

"A more psychological definition of gaslighting is "an increasing frequency of systematically withholding factual information from, and/or providing false information to, the victim - having the gradual effect of making them anxious, confused, and less able to trust their own memory and perception.""

Another site says: "True narcissists are not accountable for their own bad behavior. It is common for them to blame others and make it someone else’s fault. They use denial, accusation, misdirection, and lying to throw you off base. You can walk away wondering if it is just your imagination, or if you are sorely mistaken, and it is truly your fault."

Usually gaslighting is referred to in the context of an abusive relationship, often with a narcissist. The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot, but it usually refers to a person who is extraordinarily (pathologically) self-centered - to the exclusion of authentic compassion and empathy for others - or at least if it is experienced that it does not have bearing on the decisions that the person makes that hurt others. I have worked with many women over the years who have suffered crippling effects of partners who engage in gaslighting. The women doubt and second guess every decision and truth they previously thought to be true. Gaslighters are often popular and well liked. They make excellent first impressions and can manipulate others well, especially if they are engaging with one person at at time. They can feed information to that person that they have discerned to be what the person wants to hear, and be believable in presenting that information. So when someone else suggests that a person may be a disingenuous it is met with disbelief and aids in making the person being gaslighted to be even more likely to doubt and second-guess themselves and their perceptions of a situation. 

I used to have much empathy for these women (although women can gaslight as well). But I did not really understand the despair and feelings of craziness until recently. That you have information before you, connect the dots to make logical conclusions, then the gaslighter adamantly denies that your conclusions are logical and presents information and possibilities in such a way that you think you must have misjudged, over-reacted, and concluded wrong. It is utterly maddening. 

I am living with two children with RAD, and one who is a methodical and well practiced at gas lighting. As a parent, coming to terms with the reality that one's child has RAD is painful enough. A child you have prayed for, longed for, and sacrificially poured into is now rejecting your love. Often these kids will present to the outside world as if they are genuine. Then, as a parent who is dealing with RAD, a huge amount of our time is spent identifying, figuring out, and intervening problem behaviors resulting in the parent's social support system diminishing out of sheer lack of time to spend time with people outside the family. That means that when we finally are vulnerable and share with others about our realities - the people around us judge us for misinterpreting the situation, for being overly harsh or judgmental ourselves toward the child, for having parented "wrong" and it is our fault the symptoms exist, or exaggerating the extent of the symptoms. I cannot tell you how many people I have been real with about the issues with one of our daughters and once they ask how long she has been with us and I reply "since 4 months old" their whole body languages shifts from tentative understanding to judgment (never mind the 19 months of back and forth "reunification attempts" with her bio family). 

I am just going to be upfront here and admit that for years (at least 7) these symptoms have been happening in our home, the past 3 years have been bad, the past few months are even worse, and the past 2 weeks have been horrific. To the point where I do not know if our home is the best placement for our daughters. We have gone back and forth about that decision for years, but more frequently lately. What a horrendous decision to have to make!! To have the reality of the situation on one hand remind us that we are clearly not making any progress here war with the reality of "who in the world would send their child away?!?!?! What kind of terrible parent must I be?!?!?" Besides feeling like a monster, there is the crippling effect of feeling like an utter failure. Then, just when I had come to terms with what seemed to be the only option for us to pursue...someone who I have trusted and finally chose to be vulnerable with about our situation said that I had drawn the wrong conclusions and it was essentially my lack of faith in my child that my child was acting this way.

Ouch.

Then I fell into a black dark place of indecision and self-doubt. I decided to just be done. I couldn't do this anymore. I obviously can't draw correct conclusions, I am making it worse, I must be the problem. Doubting myself at every turn. Refusing to make any decisions because it seems I just kept making the wrong ones.

Whoa...

It made me second guess everything. EVERYTHING. Am I doing anything right? Am I drawing any conclusions accurately? What is the truth? What am I supposed to DO!!!??! I have a doctorate degree in clinical psychology. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars in extra specialized training in working with attachment disorders, trauma, etc. But I feel utterly hopeless in dealing with what we deal with in our home.

Both of our daughters have RAD. They trade off on who is actively acting out at a time. When they are both acting out? The rest of life ceases to exist as we attempt to just survive it. It is rare, very rare, that they have simultaneous good days of no blatant behaviors. Structure is the key - with no changes in routine - if we are to have anything that resembles peacefulness. That means that our family lives essentially on lock down. Yesterday I wanted to go to a graduation of a precious friend of mine (well, her son) who I get to talk to less than once a year, and to get to talk to other mom's in that circle of important friends for me. But...I had to stay home to keep routine and regular bedtime. Last week I tried to get outside of the routine and do something "extra." Just a trip to the local park. But it derailed routine and one of our kids had one of the worst rages yet. I even called a shelter to see if they would take her but they were full. So, right now I am terrified to get outside of routine and upset the apple cart. Imagine what this does for the rest of the children? 

Anyway, that is not the focus of this post. I am getting distracted by the MANY MANY ways that our life is disrupted by RAD. 

So, back to the daughter who is the master at gas lighting. This child has been acting out for years. It is subtle and blatant. It is in all settings. There is no logic behind it. Often her cycle is act out, get caught (eventually), honeymoon period, we think she actually "got it" this time and have hope that she stop her behavior...then it starts all over again, and again, and again, and....yet again. With bigger and bigger behavior each time.

Recently this child did something again. AGAIN. I was sure I knew what the truth was. But then there were just enough pieces of the story that I began to second guess myself AGAIN. This child can lie to a person's face like she is a Hollywood actress on screen. Was I wrong? What kind of a horrible person am I that I am thinking the worse of this person? of MY DAUGHTER! The person who stated that I am wrong for assuming the worst and not giving this child the benefit of the doubt, and that by doubting my daughter I am actually causing her to just give up and not try completely floored me and made me doubt myself at my core.

But then? Then I found out that I WAS RIGHT!!!!! Irrevocably RIGHT! That I had put the dots together accurately and drawn the correct conclusions! There was no more escape from the truth! It was so freeing to know that I had not thought wrong about the situation.  

The back and forth and back and forth and back and forth of second guessing myself is exhausting! The constant detective work investigating fact from fiction is making my head spin! I am so tired of this. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be married to someone like this. I am just trying to parent one.

I spent the week of investigating the situation exhausted, numb, angry, wanting to give up. I felt terrible for wanting to give up. I already had been so stressed that I couldn't sleep for the previous weeks, then I spent that week not being able to get enough sleep. I don't have an appetite (although that may not be a bad problem to have right now. I need to lose weight and I now weigh less than I have in a year! Yay! Silver lining!!;) What I usually enjoy, I don't. What I could usually motivate myself to do, I couldn't. I felt trapped. No matter what decision I make it seems like I get backlash. I used to be able to stand up against that because I felt so firm in my conclusions and conviction but the heaviness of all of what we deal with just got to be too much. My kids all walked around and looked at me like I clearly was not ok (I wasn't). Beautiful came over every day (without my asking) to just run interference with her siblings. They all treated me like I was fragile glass that was already half broken.

But a few days ago I forced myself to talk to my accountability partner when all I really wanted to do was lay in bed and cry. Later that afternoon we got the phone call from the school that we were right about our conclusions about the situation. I finally felt like I could emerge from that dark place and choose to fight again. I didn't have to swirl in that place of "what if I am wrong and accusing my child of something they didn't do? What kind of parent does that??!" Then we sought counsel from others who confirmed that we are at a crisis point. A decision has been made on how to proceed with this child. It is the only next step that makes sense. I have to stand firm. I have to move forward on this path even though I will undoubtedly have people who do not understand and will disagree. While I know what the outcome needs to be I am afraid that I won't go about it right and am terrified for our child's future. But I am more terrified for the only logical outcome if my child continues her current choices to their inevitable conclusion. I have told my child that I feel like I am standing on a railroad track with the child as a train with 100 loaded cars barreling toward me faster and faster as I am jumping up and down saying "stop! stop! you are about to crash and burn!!!!!" Yet the train just keeps going faster telling me that I am wrong about my opinion on where the train is headed. I can no longer be the one standing on that track. I need someone else to do that. It makes me feel inadequate and like a failure that I cannot stop this train, but I obviously cannot. I, and my family, will implode if we allow this to continue. So, a decision has been made that others will need to stand on that track. I don't know who, but I am now focused on making that happen. 

Essentially RAD is a problem of a lack of trust. I completely understand why these children don't trust. I completely understand why these children are afraid of putting their faith in someone who might let them down. I get it! That is why I have given grace over, and over, and over, and over again. BUT! At what point is enough enough? When I worked in prisons for 9 years I could understand why someone chose the criminal activity, but I certainly did not conclude that the person should not have been held accountable for his/her choices for their harm to society. So why do I keep allowing my daughters to do that to the detriment of our other children, (and to society with some of the behaviors).

I cannot make them trust me. That is the problem in a nutshell. If they don't trust me, they won't respect me. If they won't respect me they won't follow my authority.

Beyond that, if they won't trust God, they won't trust me. If they won't obey God, they won't obey me. When I want to blame myself for the RAD, I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't necessarily rebellion against me, this is rebellion against God. We ALL need to learn that we are not self-sufficient. I get that it is done out of fear but that doesn't make it right. That is very selfish. We need to trust in and lean on God for everything, just like we ask our children to trust and lean on us. We have the choice to refuse to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, and our children have the choice to not accept us as their authority .

I am choosing to leave the insanity of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome. Living with gaslighting is a quagmire of deception and self-doubt. I am thankful that I know Truth and that I have people around me who are praying for me and helping me to see clearly and stand firm. Reminding me that I have done all I can and it is ok. To relinquish my control and let God determine the outcome of the train - He is going to anyway, I just need to get out of the way.

Thankfully we are currently in a honeymoon period. I have informed the children of what is happening. The pressure has been let up briefly. We have had 3 days with relatively little drama (well...kid driven drama at least). We have to jump through a ton of hoops, make many phone calls, and have our life dissected as I am sure that many professionals are also going to not believe us and will second guess us. But, something has to change immediately. If not for the benefit of our daughters (it is their choice), then for the sake of our other children who are also at a breaking point. 

If you are an adoptive parent living with RAD, please know you are not alone. If you are someone who knows someone who has a child who likely has RAD, please do not doubt them or second-guess them. Support them. Even if you just say "I can't imagine what this is like for you but I am here" do that. If they can't find time to spend with you because of their reality, don't give up on them, pray for them, and give them encouragement. You may be an important part of their life-line that keeps them sane on their journey.

Bella is 4 months!! The same age as Grace when she came:)

It is hard to believe that we have been grandparents for 4 months already! In some ways it feels like Bella has been around forever, and then I have have to remind myself that she has "only" been around for 4 months. Her mom and dad are so devoted to loving on her. She smiles all of the time, unless hungry or tired. She is so content. Beautiful is so attentive to her and knows all of her little sounds, routines, and needs. Her daddy had never been around babies but you wouldn't know it from watching them together. He can make her have the biggest belly laughs!! Bella will smile at everyone and wait for them to notice her and "entertain" her. Who can resist a smiling and content baby? Bella KNOWS that she is loved. She KNOWS that she is safe. She KNOWS that she has a voice and can get her needs met.

I could wax eloquent for pages about how wonderful that our grand-daughter is, but what grandparent can't?

This month has been a little harder for me as Bella keeps reminding me of when Grace came. When we talk about some of our difficulties with Grace people will ask how old she was when she came. When I say "4 months" sometimes they will make comments like that she came so early that those 4 months shouldn't have made a negative impact on her. Babies learn so much about getting their needs met, trusting their caregivers, and how to deal with stress in those first few months...

Trust:
Bella knows, without a doubt, that when she makes a sound that someone will look at her and see what she needs. She knows that if she makes a sound of distress that someone will pick her up and meet her need. She doesn't remain fussy, she soothes easily because she knows that someone "heard" her need and will meet it.

Bunny Trail: Unless we present her with a bottle for her milk - oh my goodness does she prefer her momma lol!! This week Beautiful has been diligent about teaching Bella that a bottle is just as good for those rare times when Beautiful will allow herself to be separated from Bella long enough to need a bottle feeding;) Last week Beautiful tried to get away for 90 minutes to get a hair cut and we had to take Bella to her to be fed - she was screaming up a storm, refused the bottle, and just wanted her mommy. Once she calmed down it was pretty funny to watch Beautiful nursing Bella underneath the hairdressers smock while she was getting her long hair cut. Then we took Bella back home until Beautiful was done. She has taken bottles a few times before so we all thought we were ok, but apparently Bella needed more practice;)


Her voice:
Bella knows that her voice will be heard. By 4 months babies know if a) their voice will be heard, so they can soothe easily knowing they don't have to create a ruckus to their their needs met, b) their voice is not heard so they need to create a bit ruckus before they will be attended to - then keep making a ruckus because as soon as "care" is given the caregiver goes away right away, or c) their ruckus is not heeded so they just go silent. We have all heard of the silent babies in orphanages who have learned their cries are not heard so they just go silent; their crying makes no difference.

When Grace came at 4 months she was silent. She slept 20 hours a day, never smiled, and hardly made any noise. I only knew she was awake if I went to check on her. Her schedule was constantly disrupted by the back and forth of the foster care visitation schedule with her bio parents. I still remember when she came back from a visit with her front tooth chipped. She must have been around 12 - 15 months. Her father and the supervision worker did not even know. She remembered that Grace had fallen down but she hadn't made any sound of distress at all - even though she had chipped her tooth. Many, MANY times Grace would be hurt and bleeding but never made a sound of distress.


Soothing (Felt Safety):
Bella knows that if she has a need she will be soothed. Beautiful is so calm and consistent with her. Even if Bella is screaming (rare), Beautiful uses a calm voice with her and soft loving touch. I am so proud of Beautiful. She is an amazing mom. Bella is the center of her world. I am so thankful for our son in law to provide for their family so that Beautiful can be a stay at home mom. He is a great husband and father. He insists on date nights with Beautiful even when she would rather not leave Bella behind lol! He insisted on the sleep training to get Bella sleeping through the night (thankfully it only took a couple of nights). (Ok, Bunny Trail - I am all for the importance of sleep. I am all for training kids to self-soothe and put themselves to sleep. BUT there is NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL with this and some kids just cannot self-soothe. I have a 7 year old who still needs me in order to fall asleep at night. I am NOT the only adoptive parent (or bio parents whose kid had neurological needs or trauma in their past) to say "I feel like "I" am my child's security blanket." In those cases it is my experience and opinion that traditional sleep training is a detriment to the child).

Grace just slept. She had learned that no caregiver would consistently give her what she needed, so she just shut down. We later learned from her mom who told us she would give Grace mashed potatoes in her bottle so Grace would sleep more and not, then, "bother" them. Grace was 5 lbs when she was born and 16 lbs at 4 months when she came:(  Grace had learned by 4 months that when she was distressed people could not be trusted to meet her wants and needs.


I did not get trained in TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) until Grace was 5. I wish that I had understood all of those important dynamics when she was younger, when she was 4 months. Traditional psychology training does not teach the same ideas and interventions as TBRI. We would have parented the Middles very differently when they first came. Thankfully JJ was only 12 months when I got the training so we were able to understand those dynamics with him at a much earlier age. With all of the adoptive parents that I work with I seek to teach them the importance of TBRI and recommend the book The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. It is also important information for raising bio kids:)

Trust, having ones voice heard, and soothing (a child FEELING safe) are so important to developing a securely attached, well adjusted child. It is precious to watch Beautiful and her husband doing an intentional and great job of meeting those needs for Bella, and to see Bella as a happy baby. It reinforces to me the importance of meeting those needs right way in a baby's life and reminds me of the fact that while Grace was "only" 4 months old before she came she had already learned a lot about her world (she didn't have a voice, she couldn't trust her caregivers, and she wasn't safe). I see how this has played out in each of our 4 adopted kids. When kids can't trust and feel safe you won't get obedience from them. Ask yourself, who do you obey that you don't trust? With our bio kids we have the opportunity from the womb to develop that trust (like Beautiful did with Bella). Every single adopted child has had that dynamic affected - even those adopted at birth (like our JJ). Parents need to be aware so they can be intentional about trust. Of course, not all parents are intentional about that (I would even say that most are not) and our culture shows the long term consequences of that.

I could get way off focus for this blog post on any of those topics so I will demonstrate self-restraint and get back to Bella. The 4 months that Bella has been in our lives has been so fun and precious. I LOVE being a grandparent! It is infinitely more fun than being a parent. I know that it would not be so precious if Bella did not have the amazing parents that she has, but she does, so it is great. All of the fun of endless smiles and laughter without the daily responsibilities. She is perfect!

Three and a half weeks went well....then...

The last 2 weeks have been steadily worse. We are at times back to as bad as it was before. Every day is back to an experience in venom and ugliness. We tried to figure out what had changed and deal with those issues. The only two real issues were Faith and Superman starting school with her (and Faith getting into trouble her first day of school that really sent Grace in a tailspin worrying what everyone was thinking of her, having a sister who did what she did) and sleep. It seems that the mornings she wakes up on her own before us she has much worse days than when she sleeps well and we have to wake her.

Anyway, Faith has not gotten into any more trouble (to our knowledge) and we have been trying all kinds of things for sleep.

Bunny Trail: I bought a special melatonin and other stuff spray that is supposed to help with sleep. Grace will even ask for it since it seems to help her. I am using it on JJ too. It seems to help him sleep through the night, although not necessarily fall asleep any faster. I decided to try it on myself as well since I am sleeping worse with the stress of Grace's backtracking and JJ now in our room every night (on his own cot - but that story is too long to go into here). Anyway, I was waking in the morning wondering if I had actually even slept at all. But with this spray I seem to be sleeping more soundly and feeling more rested when I do use it. I am happy with it so far:)

So...

After trying on our own to figure out what is going on and not being able to fix it we contacted the APRN. She increased the dose of the medication as we clearly are not at therapeutic levels yet. Her first increased dose will be tonight.

Praying it works!

Now that we know that it can be better, it is both a blessing to know that medication can help significantly and a fear experience that the situation could go back to where it was.

I CANNOT live the way that it was. The kids were all getting anxious again. The stress levels in the house were getting worse. Even Superman was finally just looking at her and telling her to knock it off - usually he will just take her verbal abuse. It is hard to think that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and see it fade to darkness again. I was starting to lose the fragile connection I was developing with Faith again. So now I keep her up after Grace has gone to bed and spend time watching a favorite show together. Faith doesn't talk (she will write to me, but not talk about anything real) so snuggling and watching our show together will hopefully help to bridge the gap. That is also when JJ started having trouble sleeping again (and he got sick) and he was coming to our room again every night claiming he was having nightmares. (Hence our getting the cot - he is now too big to be in our bed!) I only got the spray I referred to above since she has gotten worse so I hope that when he transitions back to his room again the spray will help him sleep through the night in there ;)

BUT - we have hope that it will be better. The medication helped once, hopefully it will help again. I am a bit afraid that we will have to increase the meds every month, but I was assured that we would not have to do that;)

The next big change in our family...

Grace continues to do very well. We have had some situations where I have worried that things were going to explode like they used to, but even the 2 worst of those incidents she calmed down within 15 minutes and the rest of the day was not overshadowed by it. It has, by far, been the most relaxing and enjoyable 3 weeks of our family's life out of the past decade. I feel like I am beating a dead horse when I keep saying that it is so utterly and completely different than it ever was before.

Beautiful makes comments that it feels like we are a family again. She was 9 when Grace came and remembers what life was like..."before." Buddy asks "is this was a real family is like?" He was 6 when she came and doesn't remember much of what it was like "before." He has been adamant that he will not have children given how difficult things are in our home. However, I have caught him saying "when I have kids" a couple of times in the last couple of weeks...and I am sure to give him a hard time about it lol!

Even the times when all 10 of us have been here together, with a newborn fussy baby in the mix, it is nothing like it was. NOTHING. As scary as it is to consider the future, I am just focusing and relishing that today is good.

Things are so good that my husband took the 4 youngest, BY HIMSELF, to Star Wars and shopping. I had 7 hours (SEVEN HOURS!!!) to myself to clean. I got some closets deep cleaned and threw away a lot of junk. I have more closets to do but I feel like I can finally do some of these projects without a crisis every 90 seconds that requires my visual supervision.

In short it doesn't feel like I still have a house of toddlers anymore.

We have also been doing a bunch of family activities that we would have never considered before. Before Christmas we went out as a family to a movie (we went to A LOT of movies this vacation lol!), shopping, pizza, and Christmas lights. Another time we left the youngest 3 with a babysitter while we took Buddy and Superman to a movie.

Can I just bunny trail for a moment and say that the freedom we feel to actually leave her with a babysitter and not dread and feel guilt for the burden we are placing on a baby sitter is mind blowing. To leave and not have to worry every second that she is making someone else's life miserable? Peaceful:)

Anyway, I have been working about half of my normal work schedule these two weeks. Yesterday my husband brought the girls with him and dropped me at work, then went to get some shopping done. After they picked me up we went out to eat. At a sit down restaurant. Getting done at 7 o'clock which we used to think of as the witching hour. The hour that if Grace wasn't in bed by then the world ended. Yet, she was giggling, fun, and had zero behavior problems.

I don't wake up in the morning dreading my first exposure to her of the day that used to involve a major conflict in the first 15 minutes. I don't dread bedtime anymore that used to be an hour of locked horns battling.

We just have...peace.

My whole body feels relaxed. The house feels relaxed. Everyone in the family gets along so much better. Calmer. More respectful and quicker to forgive slights and think the best of one another. Of course it is not perfect, but compared to what we have been living for a decade? Pretty close to perfection.

The girls even get along and are...get this...allowed to actually play together unsupervised. Without over the top conflict. Now the conflict is normal 11 year old girl conflict.

Even JJ is better. I think he has only acted out to the point of having to be restrained once since her med change - and that was in the first few days. He has had a few tempter tantrums, but after taking away video games and physically guiding him to his bedroom to calm down he does calm down and re-engages well. I had worried that he has DMDD too, but at this point I think that he just watched Grace's behavior and thought that was how he was supposed to act to get what he wanted. I would say that his acting out is at about 30% of what it was. And he used to be able to throw a temper tantrum just as vicious as Grace could...

We are all trying to figure out the "new normal" and learn to respond to the actual situation and not what we fear the situation will evolve into. It takes a bit but by this time we are doing a pretty good job of it.

I cannot stress enough that if any of you have a child who has behavior like we have dealt with, please talk to your primary care practitioner or contact a mental health professional. Do not live with what we have lived with if you don't have to! For your sake, and for your child's sake.


Anyway, in my original post about the realities of the situation with both of our younger daughters. While things have been so much better with Grace, things really came to a head with Faith. So, after a lot of prayer and years of struggling with what to do with her increasingly rebellious behavior, we decided to have her switch schools.

It is something we said we would never do, for many reasons, but starting tomorrow she (and for ease for our family, Superman), will be starting at the local public school. We don't know how it will go but feel that it is the next necessary step in getting her the help that she needs - or hold her accountable for her behavior. Whichever the situation warrants...

And, next Monday?  Next Monday Buddy starts college. 

So, now we have one child graduated, married, with a precious 7 week old.

One child in college (he officially graduates high school in May, but his home school time is done and he will be taking a full credit load at the college).

3 children at the public school - in the same grade no less!  There are 2 sections of their grade. Superman and Grace will be in one section and Faith is in a different section. We asked them to please keep the girls separated and they were gracious to do so. Superman was thankful to be in Grace's class. I was a little surprised given...well...the last 10 years and that he has always been Faith's protector. But he just said that he was tired of being Faith's keeper. I am sad for him. He wants to believe the best in everyone and is always the first to give up what he wants for someone else. It kills him that his sister makes poor choices that hurt others and herself. Anyway, I am thankful for how they are split up.

And...1 child still home schooled. In 1st grade. Uff Da...we have a lot of years of school ahead of us lol!