It is hard to believe that we have been grandparents for 4 months already! In some ways it feels like Bella has been around forever, and then I have have to remind myself that she has "only" been around for 4 months. Her mom and dad are so devoted to loving on her. She smiles all of the time, unless hungry or tired. She is so content. Beautiful is so attentive to her and knows all of her little sounds, routines, and needs. Her daddy had never been around babies but you wouldn't know it from watching them together. He can make her have the biggest belly laughs!! Bella will smile at everyone and wait for them to notice her and "entertain" her. Who can resist a smiling and content baby? Bella KNOWS that she is loved. She KNOWS that she is safe. She KNOWS that she has a voice and can get her needs met.
I could wax eloquent for pages about how wonderful that our grand-daughter is, but what grandparent can't?
This month has been a little harder for me as Bella keeps reminding me of when Grace came. When we talk about some of our difficulties with Grace people will ask how old she was when she came. When I say "4 months" sometimes they will make comments like that she came so early that those 4 months shouldn't have made a negative impact on her. Babies learn so much about getting their needs met, trusting their caregivers, and how to deal with stress in those first few months...
Trust:
Bella knows, without a doubt, that when she makes a sound that someone will look at her and see what she needs. She knows that if she makes a sound of distress that someone will pick her up and meet her need. She doesn't remain fussy, she soothes easily because she knows that someone "heard" her need and will meet it.
Bunny Trail: Unless we present her with a bottle for her milk - oh my goodness does she prefer her momma lol!! This week Beautiful has been diligent about teaching Bella that a bottle is just as good for those rare times when Beautiful will allow herself to be separated from Bella long enough to need a bottle feeding;) Last week Beautiful tried to get away for 90 minutes to get a hair cut and we had to take Bella to her to be fed - she was screaming up a storm, refused the bottle, and just wanted her mommy. Once she calmed down it was pretty funny to watch Beautiful nursing Bella underneath the hairdressers smock while she was getting her long hair cut. Then we took Bella back home until Beautiful was done. She has taken bottles a few times before so we all thought we were ok, but apparently Bella needed more practice;)
Her voice:
Bella knows that her voice will be heard. By 4 months babies know if a) their voice will be heard, so they can soothe easily knowing they don't have to create a ruckus to their their needs met, b) their voice is not heard so they need to create a bit ruckus before they will be attended to - then keep making a ruckus because as soon as "care" is given the caregiver goes away right away, or c) their ruckus is not heeded so they just go silent. We have all heard of the silent babies in orphanages who have learned their cries are not heard so they just go silent; their crying makes no difference.
When Grace came at 4 months she was silent. She slept 20 hours a day, never smiled, and hardly made any noise. I only knew she was awake if I went to check on her. Her schedule was constantly disrupted by the back and forth of the foster care visitation schedule with her bio parents. I still remember when she came back from a visit with her front tooth chipped. She must have been around 12 - 15 months. Her father and the supervision worker did not even know. She remembered that Grace had fallen down but she hadn't made any sound of distress at all - even though she had chipped her tooth. Many, MANY times Grace would be hurt and bleeding but never made a sound of distress.
Soothing (Felt Safety):
Bella knows that if she has a need she will be soothed. Beautiful is so calm and consistent with her. Even if Bella is screaming (rare), Beautiful uses a calm voice with her and soft loving touch. I am so proud of Beautiful. She is an amazing mom. Bella is the center of her world. I am so thankful for our son in law to provide for their family so that Beautiful can be a stay at home mom. He is a great husband and father. He insists on date nights with Beautiful even when she would rather not leave Bella behind lol! He insisted on the sleep training to get Bella sleeping through the night (thankfully it only took a couple of nights). (Ok, Bunny Trail - I am all for the importance of sleep. I am all for training kids to self-soothe and put themselves to sleep. BUT there is NO ONE SIZE FITS ALL with this and some kids just cannot self-soothe. I have a 7 year old who still needs me in order to fall asleep at night. I am NOT the only adoptive parent (or bio parents whose kid had neurological needs or trauma in their past) to say "I feel like "I" am my child's security blanket." In those cases it is my experience and opinion that traditional sleep training is a detriment to the child).
Grace just slept. She had learned that no caregiver would consistently give her what she needed, so she just shut down. We later learned from her mom who told us she would give Grace mashed potatoes in her bottle so Grace would sleep more and not, then, "bother" them. Grace was 5 lbs when she was born and 16 lbs at 4 months when she came:( Grace had learned by 4 months that when she was distressed people could not be trusted to meet her wants and needs.
I did not get trained in TBRI (Trust Based Relational Intervention) until Grace was 5. I wish that I had understood all of those important dynamics when she was younger, when she was 4 months. Traditional psychology training does not teach the same ideas and interventions as TBRI. We would have parented the Middles very differently when they first came. Thankfully JJ was only 12 months when I got the training so we were able to understand those dynamics with him at a much earlier age. With all of the adoptive parents that I work with I seek to teach them the importance of TBRI and recommend the book The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis. It is also important information for raising bio kids:)
Trust, having ones voice heard, and soothing (a child FEELING safe) are so important to developing a securely attached, well adjusted child. It is precious to watch Beautiful and her husband doing an intentional and great job of meeting those needs for Bella, and to see Bella as a happy baby. It reinforces to me the importance of meeting those needs right way in a baby's life and reminds me of the fact that while Grace was "only" 4 months old before she came she had already learned a lot about her world (she didn't have a voice, she couldn't trust her caregivers, and she wasn't safe). I see how this has played out in each of our 4 adopted kids. When kids can't trust and feel safe you won't get obedience from them. Ask yourself, who do you obey that you don't trust? With our bio kids we have the opportunity from the womb to develop that trust (like Beautiful did with Bella). Every single adopted child has had that dynamic affected - even those adopted at birth (like our JJ). Parents need to be aware so they can be intentional about trust. Of course, not all parents are intentional about that (I would even say that most are not) and our culture shows the long term consequences of that.
I could get way off focus for this blog post on any of those topics so I will demonstrate self-restraint and get back to Bella. The 4 months that Bella has been in our lives has been so fun and precious. I LOVE being a grandparent! It is infinitely more fun than being a parent. I know that it would not be so precious if Bella did not have the amazing parents that she has, but she does, so it is great. All of the fun of endless smiles and laughter without the daily responsibilities. She is perfect!
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