The First Month of Grace Being Home - and other news

 Grace has been home a month:) For the most part it has gone well. With her having been gone for 21 months the transition back home has gone well in a lot of ways. She is working to prove herself and her efforts appear sincere. We are hesitant - mostly because Faith had told us she had made authentic change and obviously had not - but fundamentally she is very different than she was before. 

The biggest change is that she appears to be genuinely saved. She had said she was many times before, but she now bears fruit that is consistent. She has been teachable instead of rebellious. Is it perfect? No way. But no situation is:) The real test will be when she starts school in 12 days. School is extremely stressful for her. She left in Middle School and is coming back in High School so the stress will be greater. Her ADHD will always be with her so that affects her learning in significant ways.

Add to that that she is having bunion surgery in 2 days. Yes, bunion surgery. I thought that was something older people dealt with but apparently it is a genetic condition. So, she gets to start school with a surgical boot and metal pin sticking out of her foot holding in place the toe that will be broken and moved. Sounds gross doesn't it.

Prayers for her surgery, healing, and transitioning to school are very greatly appreciated. 

***

I have talked before about how the past 15 years have been a significant struggle in raising kids from trauma. It has affected my health and my friendships in negative ways. I have been seeking answers for health issues for the past 21 months since Grace left and I actually had time to put into my own health. I had first been diagnosed with Epstein-Barr. That treatment dramatically reduced the frequency of the migraines that I had been experiencing of at least 20 days a month most months of the year for 20 years. However, I was also having other symptoms that suggested that more was going on. I had an ANA Cascade (auto immune disorder test) that thankfully came back negative. But then I had a vector-borne test and discovered that I tested positive for Lyme Disease. I have been reeling a bit since I got that news. Especially since my idea of being outside - other than hikes- is to have the windows open (lol!) so how did I get it?  On the one hand it is very validating to know that there is a legitimate reason that I feel the way I do. On the other hand, well, I have Lyme Disease. So now treatment begins. There must be 100 different opinions on how to treat Lyme. I am moving forward with one of those and have been researching it a lot. I guess time will tell if the treatment makes a difference. Part of the treatment is to completely revamp my exercise routine (I started Yoga today...) and I am completely dairy and gluten free, low sugar, low sodium, etc. While that sounds daunting the reality is that for a long time all food I eat makes me feel sick so I actually feel better when I don't eat anyway. I have lost 7 lbs this month. I guess it is a good diet plan;) Silver linings are important!

But that also means that I don't have the energy or mental capacity to put into friendships. Again. There was a time a month ago that I had a terrible day and I just sat in my car and wished I had a friend - just one - that I could call and vent to. I have friends - but I have not been able to nurture those friendships over the years that I could call one on a whim and just vent. Usually my husband gets to be the one who hears all of my venting and ranting lol!!! He is such a saint to put up with me;) I ended up calling my brother who was thankfully willing to take my call and placate me. He is a good man. I am thankful for him (not just for listening to me vent:) ).

Today's sermon in church was about the importance of friendships in the body of Christ. I agree that they are very important. In my job I give out that advice all of the time. But when one is exhausted, in chronic pain, and just trying to get the next thing done it is hard to facilitate those friendships. I give 100% of my energy to my job and my family - and my family often gets left overs. I am hoping that this treatment will give me back some of that vitality that I would like to have. But they tell me I will feel worse before I feel better. As much as I love being self-employed, right now I wish I had a job that offered the option of FMLA so I could take a 3 month break and get healed. But, I can't so I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust each of those steps to God while praying that He grants me healing:)

Bittersweet Birthday:(

When Faith petitioned to come home from the residential program in December she agreed to 3 behaviors that "if you do those you will go right back." She, unfortunately, chose to engage in 2 of them - repeatedly. 

So, Monday we readmitted her back to the program. Today is her 15th birthday. We celebrated last week to be sure we sent her off knowing she was loved and important to us. She spent her 14th birthday there too and we had wanted to make this birthday special. Given the way the program works she will in all probability spend her 16th birthday there too...

That makes me so sad. It makes me sad she knows what she needs to do. She can say what she needs to do. She can do what she needs to do when she is closely monitored and watched.

But she does not want to do the things she needs to do.

I have realized that I want her success more than she wants her success. I want her here more than she wants to be here. I want her a part of us more than she wants to be a part of us. 

And I cannot want someone into making change. So, we made the hard decision, again, and here we are, again, on her birthday praying that she would submit to authority, to God, and to be willing to "look in the mirror" and see her own areas she needs to change instead of insisting that it is everyone else's fault. 

Prayers for her salvation and convicted heart change are appreciated...

I am disappointed but not crushed like last time we sent her. I am learning to accept that I cannot move pieces on the chess board so to speak to get her to have a heart change. It is between her and God. Last night we had a phone call with her and all she did the whole call was complain about how other people were not doing what they should be doing. When we challenged her role in similar choices she just refused to talk to us. She is where she needs to be. We are trusting God with her future:)

The Surprising Way Grandparenting Has Made Me Sad

 I adore my grandchildren. They are 1 and 3 and full of life and energy. They speak up when they want something, they listen when they are asked to do something (eh, as much as toddlers do - just ask my daughter about catching them in the Easter candy this week lol!) and they sleep through the night most of the time. They smile. They laugh. They joke. They run up to people they know/love and ask to be held, heard, and seen. My daughter and son-in-law are total rock stars at parenting and that is evident in how our grandchildren act and respond.

They feel safe.

SAFE.

They are also essentially the same age that Superman and Faith were when they came to us. Sometimes when I see them, especially two weeks ago when we had them for 4 days and in January when we had them for a week, I am overwelled with how HAPPY they are...and how Superman and Faith were totally different when they were that age. I get sad when I think about how they were (and often still are). And then I get angry for how they (and countless others) were/are raised. 

Our kids came to our home the month they turned 2 and 3. They had already been in the foster care system since the day that Faith was born.  That is too many "caregivers." That is a long time to learn how the dynamics of caregiver to child works. Do not dismiss that if kids can't remember it it won't matter. Not true. At all. My kids learned how to "communicate" amongst caregivers/adults - "be silent, don't engage, don't be seen."

When our kids came they didn't talk. They could. Superman had excellent enunciation and vocabulary. But they didn't. Superman would sit, just sit, in a corner or on the kid picnic table we had in the living room and just watch. We actually had to take the picnic table outside so he would do more than just sit there. Then he just sat in the corner. 

They didn't feel safe. Think about what it would be like to live your whole life in settings where you didn't feel safe to speak, move, ask for needs, or even be seen. 

Now fast forward to them as teenagers. Once learned that talking is unsafe, it is very difficult to unlearn that you can now appropriately use your words to get your needs met. In fact, it is typically learned and ingrained by 12 months. Just think about that. Children learn how safe they are to speak to others by twelve months. They aren't even verbal yet. Just using crying, laughter, smiles, mimicking, etc to communicate.

If people don't feel safe using their words they will still communicate - it will just come out with behavior. Either avoidant or aggressive or passive aggressive behavior - but their wants and needs will still be communicated.  

So what does this look like 12 years after they have been removed from the dysfunction and been taught it is safe to speak? In a nutshell - slightly better with really intentional prompting and encouragement, but it is still not at healthy levels. They know how to "read" people extremely well. One knows how to use laughter and jokes to lighten any level of tension that is "read" but rarely can give an actual solid opinion about individual wants. The other knows how to operate behind the scenes (passive-aggressive) to get wants met while maintaining a different image on the surface and even more rarely will use actual words to get a need met.

What we do as parents is watched by our kids. They are trying to figure out if they can trust us. Trust is made up of two parts 1) do the kids feel SAFE (that they are physically safe, won't be embarrassed, belittled, disbelieved, dismissed, or humiliated if they speak. AND not that you tell them they are safe but they actually  feel safe) and 2) do the kids feel HEARD (not that you have to agree with them all of the time, but they have your attention non-verbally and that you respond verbally that you clearly have heard what exactly they are needing/wanting. How many times have you talked to someone and they think they are hearing what you are saying but you feel they have not? How do you feel about that?

Across this world we live in this is happening every day to the vast majority of children. Those children are/have grown into adults. Is it any wonder why marriages are falling apart and people groups are hating each other? Now I am getting beyond the scope of my thoughts today. 

Caregivers should hear  their children. They should not:

be verbally or physically abusive to them or in front of them

they should not, through words or actions, communicate to them that they cannot speak up

they should not strap young children into highchairs/carseats/lock in rooms to make their own lives easier and then be relieved when the child eventually stops protesting/crying in those settings. All they did was teach the child that they cannot speak their needs. The child did not actually learn "oh, the caregiver knows what is best for me and I will happily go along with whatever they think is best." 

they should not have children sleep in bug infested blankets on the ground and not have a bed.

they should not starve children.

they should not drag their children into their own chaotic and dysfunctional situations.

they should not use drugs around their children. They should not use drugs at all.

In my work I see the teenage and adult effects of these issues daily. Parents - there are fewer concepts that you could teach your children that are more important than the importance of appropriately using your words to get your needs met. Not verbal abuse. Not physical abuse. Not passive-aggressive posturing. Not shooting people. Not intimating people. But using. your. words.

If you don't feel safe talking to someone, ask yourself, "why?"

If someone doesn't feel safe talking to you... please as yourself the same question. 

Today I get to watch my grandkids again. I will delight in their laughter and loud joy. I will delight in their getting in my face when I am talking to someone else (I will gently remind them to not interrupt but will get right back to them), I will delight in them asking me to make cookies and watch tractors and listen to Baby Shark. Because I will know they are not afraid. They feel safe to express any wants they have. But a part of my heart will break knowing three of my kids never had this when they were young and they are living long-term impact of that on a daily basis. Then I will once again pray. Reminding myself that Jesus knows all, He is not surprised by anything in their lives, and that He has a perfect plan for them even with all of their (and my) baggage. I will ask Him once again to heal their hearts and minds so they know they are safe - if not in the world, then with Him.

**for the record -my kids have read this post and know I have written this about them. They said that they agree with what is written and they feel safe in our home now:)

Living to Work? or Working to Live?

 My dad used to tell me about a car mechanic he knew that worked on everyone else's cars yet his was broken down. He shared that people tend to not perform the best in their own lives in the areas that they give others advice. 

Well, I am proof of that. I teach people about self-care and boundaries and work/life balance and I am terrible at it. There are a lot of reasons, as I sit an analyze it, why I insist on working so much and don't take intentional time for my family and myself. All of those reasons are logical reasons. But, they not good enough.

At Christmas I took off a week from work - and honestly, the only reason I took it off completely was because Grace was coming home for that week. It was the first week I had taken off in 2020. Then the next week I worked two days and took 5 days off. It was so rejuvenating that I decided that I would make myself take time off once a quarter. I now have lots of ideas of places we can go this year as a family for fun. I will try to keep my resolution to this this year:) We just got a letter that Grace will be home on family leave for over a week the end of May. I am hoping for a fun trip with her and the family that week:)

But, the first quarter? I decided to throw caution to the wind and take a 10 day vacation to the beach. Where it is hot. To just sit and relax and walk in the waves. And enjoy my family.

I refuse to feel guilty about it. I have learned that a big reason I don't take vacations is because of guilt. Actually, I have learned that I feel guilty about a lot of things that are illogical. So, regardless of Covid. Regardless that not all of the family is going with us. Regardless of the cost. Regardless that I have to take time off of work - I am heading out to fun in the sun. I was talking with someone recently about the work/life imbalance and we discussed the phrase "live to work? or work to live?" I realize that I live to work. My family suffers for it. My health suffers for it. My friendships suffer for it. So, I am going to attempt to balance that out a little and try my hand at working to live;) 

Christmas Vacation: visit and transition with the girls

I started this blog post half way through our 10 days with Grace and 10 days after Faith had come home for good. At that time I felt like "rocky and tense" - were probably the best words to sum up how it was going. I didn't post then because I didn't want it to be about complaining:)

However, in writing this post, I processed/learned some things about myself and my kids, and things got better. This is why I journal and blog - to grow and offer it in case someone else needs to hear it too:)

So, here is the longer answer of how I thought about the situation, was able to regain perspective, and got through the rest of the visit. 

First of all, Faith is doing great. We have had a couple of hiccups which really are just us getting to know each other again. She actually TALKS to us through said hiccups so we can get to a resolution. Who would have thought? lol! There are times that I have had a knee jerk reaction to her as if it is like 10+ months ago. Then I remind myself of how she has proven she is not who she was, and I challenge my thinking and therefore my response to her. I am working really hard to give her the benefit of the doubt and she has done nothing to make us doubt her. She is joyful, talkative, engaging, helpful, speaks up if she doesn't understand, is sharing her feelings, and in general is a pleasure to be around:) The most delightful change? She INITIATES a hug and prayer every night! That and when the boys talk back to us she sternly says, "just say 'yes Mom!'" lol!

The other day I walked into the living room and found her reading my bound books of previous blog posts from when the kids first came. She talked about how it was interesting to see it from my perspective - mostly about how I think about things differently than she does. I told her it was a dangerous thing to get caught up in my mind lol! 

As for how Grace did...that is harder to articulate. At the beginning of the week she was mostly quiet. Then she got comfortable and... emotionally dysregulated. I worked through 2 significant ideas as I analyzed what was going on with both her and I during that time. 

First: When I work with adults about stress management/emotional regulation I use a "coffee pot" analogy. When I work with kids I call it a lemonade pitcher or milk jug:)

Say a milk jug can hold 10 cups of milk. When it pours out into glasses it empties. Eventually it is empty and has to be refilled. 

Think of yourself as the milk jug. Think of the milk as "mental and physical capacity" and you are pouring it out all day long into kids, work, household, husband, hobbies, friends, projects, or whatever. On top of that you may have pain, depression, anxiety, etc that keeps you from filling all the way up (like there is a hole in the jug at cup 6, 8, etc) so you have to fill more frequently/be more intentional. We need to have self-awareness to know what fills us up and what empties us AND keep monitoring it throughout the day so we don't get to 0. The obvious things that fill us up are sleep, healthy food, hydration, exercise, connection, hobbies, etc. Each person is unique with what else fills them up, and what empties them. For example, being around people empties me quickly. For others, being around people is what fills them up. For me reading fills me up, for my husband it puts him to sleep with boredom lol! 

I realized half way through the week with Grace that she has no capacity to "hold" any sizeable amount of milk. She is a milk jug with a hole in the bottom. The moment that the milk is being poured into her she revels in it. As soon as the pouring stops she is empty again. I knew this before.

But, the new part I finally realized was that in addition to this she takes no responsibility for filling herself up (I am not sure she knows how to fill herself). She fully expects people around her to fill her up. And, given that I fell back into old perspectives/expectations when she came home, I held myself to the expectation that I was to fill her and keep her filled. Guess how well that went?

A significant part of parenting is self-awareness in how we respond to our children and why we respond the way that we do.

Short bunny trail that I promise (well, I think so anyway) will make sense in a minute- Beautiful is a big fan of the Enneagram personality quiz. She got me to take the quiz which I have done a few times. Usually I score a 1. Beautiful tells me that I am a typical 1. Go figure lol!

As Beautiful describes it, 1's tend to strive to be 7's on good days and when overwhelmed revert to 4's. So, in as layman's terms as I can understand. I want everything orderly and perfect and structured (anyone who knows me think that is wrong? lol!). When I try to get outside of my comfort zone and do special things I attempt to be "adventurous and spontaneous and fun." But then I get overwhelmed and get a bit...moody? emotional? dysregulated? Which is exactly the opposite of "orderly, perfect, and structured lol! 

I was considering this idea during the visit as I felt myself becoming dysregulated. When I get dysregulated I retreat into myself (well, into a book. A purely fiction, never would happen in reality, always a happy ending, book). But, I couldn't do that because - transition and visit... 

During quarantine I had found a bit of a balance of my "capacity." Really, I was working way too much and all of my energy was going to work - the boys at home didn't really care because they are busy with their own things (and can fill themselves up without any help from me at all thank you very much). But, enter my daughters this week? Totally upended my "balance." I was pouring out way more than I had coming in for 2 reasons: 

The first one was my fault:  because to fill back up I need quiet and alone time and it makes me feel guilty to not be "entertaining" the girls (particularly Grace). I held the ridiculous expectation that I was to be an adventurous "7" and make our Christmas visit the most delightful days of our whole lives (well, not quite that unicorn and rainbowy but you get the unrealistic picture)...

And secondly, Grace can't fill herself up or hold any milk.

For example, one night after I had engaged in fun and filling activities with her all day, Grace dysregulated and said that I didn't love her, didn't want her around, how can anyone love her when she has messed up as much as she has, she doesn't deserve another chance, and she doesn't belong. That made me feel like I was pouring myself out for what purpose? All that is poured into her is for the moment and she can't hold any of it over for the next 30 minutes. It.is.so.exhausting. In the past she would self-sabotage at that time. So I tried, for the manyith time, to explain about her not holding any milk. She finally seemed to hear some of this. But this time I added that she needs to learn how to fill herself up. Then I put her in charge of that for the rest of the visit. That took off the unrealistic pressure that I had to entertain her the entire time. So when she would dysregulate, I would suggest to her that she was empty and ask her to think of things to fill herself up. We had several fun projects going throughout the week like putting a puzzle together, etc for her to chose from. That allowed her to take some ownership in her own happiness. 

Christmas Day we had 14 people in the house so I was pouring out into many people and she got less individual attention and then she dysregulated. Of course that resulted in us needing to stop everything for an hour and work her though it, but she did not spiral into the old behaviors. So, this visit gave us hope that she has made progress, but was also a reminder that she continues to be exactly where she needs to be. It also helped me learn some new facets of myself. Win/win:)

Our First 24 Hours With Faith Home:)

 The past 24 hours has been a bit surreal. We got a call on Thursday that they were sending a bunch of kids home for passes a week early due to several more positive covid tests. Rather than risk getting the kids exposed and having to cancel the first home passes in 10 months they opted to let parents come and get their children. Since Faith was discharging in a week, she just discharged a week early. And, yes - if you are reading between the lines, Grace is not home because she is one of the exposed kids. Praise God she has had 2 negative tests though so once their house quarantine is over we can bring her home for her visit (in theory). 

We are so thankful for this week to transition home with Faith before Grace comes. We were concerned with how we were going to handle both of them coming at once and not being able to give both of them intentional time. They still get along, umm, very poorly. 

We have had a lot of peace about Faith coming home. It is earlier than they wanted her to come home, but we believed and advocated for her to come home now. 

Our first 24 hours has been- surreal. It is kind of like bringing home a child for the first time. You wonder what it will be like but when it happens it is so different.  She is not the child she was 10 months ago. She has clearly gained much maturity, humility, confidence, self-awareness, other-awareness, genuineness, and...joy:) I have broken down crying several times just looking at her and being so happy she is actually here, or listening to her talk (she actually TALKS to us now!), or when SHE initiated a touch when she walked past me, and ESPECIALLY when she allowed me to hug her while I prayed for her last night. 

It is truly a blessing to be able to hold your child while you are praying for her rather than praying from afar:) And to have her accept that hug:)

And the laughter and giggling? I tear up every time I hear it. Joy. She has joy. I don't know if I have ever, in the 12 years she has been with us, felt her be this happy and content. 

Of course we have some transition awkwardness. Superman and JJ are not quite sure what to expect from her so are acting off. She has picked up on that and it makes her feel sad that they are uncomfortable with her. But, she is actually talking to us about her feelings. That is a first:) She is still getting used to being home vs in her structured environment - asking permission to go to her room for a sweatshirt or use the restroom. One time when she did it today while playing video games with Superman he looked at her weird then lightened the mood by saying, "no, you have to hold it in for the rest of your life!" Superman handles awkwardness with humor:) She thanked my husband and I for giving her the benefit of the doubt and not making her feel like she is coming home under a microscope. I thought that was a very insightful comment:)

Because we did not expect her to be home this week I did not take off of work (like I did next week). So, I am working 12-14 hour days 3 days this week and the other day I work all day until Superman's basketball game so I won't see her much:( She will hang out with my husband and help with the kitchen remodel lol! And get her room in order. Then Grace comes home on Friday.... Prayers for those days she is home are greatly appreciated. Grace made a bunch of bad decisions last week again. Every time I see the caller ID from her house on a day she is not set to call us I feel so sad... She gets so mad at herself for messing up but just doesn't stop. We keep trying to treat each of those calls with grace and forgiveness and unconditional love - but I am so sad for when she looks back on her life later after she gets it figured out and feels the shame and guilt of her choices. So many of the people I work with are so heavily laden with regret of their life choices... Grace has enough to overcome, she doesn't need that too. But, we can't make her choices for her. She is exactly where she needs to be to get the help she needs. We will keep praying:)

The girls are coming home for Christmas...and one is staying

 The girls are coming home for 10 days over Christmas. After much prayer and consideration we have decided that Faith will remain home. There are a lot of pieces to that decision that I will not bore you with now, but it is not a decision that has been made lightly. She has done exceptionally well while in residential treatment and really the only thing that would keep her there is our fear that she hasn't made lasting change. How is a person really supposed to know if someone else is truly repentant and committed to change? I guess looking at the fruit of the behavior is the only real answer. Since we aren't allowed visits off campus with her, or weekends home, etc we are unable to assess that in our home. So... we are taking a leap of faith that what she is doing there will generalize home. We have some "deal breakers" that if she does them again will result in her application going back in and they have said they will take her back. So... please be praying for her transition back home.

Grace...is making poor choices. We got another call about her last night. I am not even surprised anymore. I am just so utterly sad for her that if she ever gets things figured out that she will have to look back on these decisions and deal with the reality that she did them. I will say that when she found out that Faith was coming home and she was not (despite her being there longer) she handled it with maturity. That was encouraging:)  Please pray for her heart as well.

I, personally, am a mess. I am working way too much and... well, I am not doing a good job of practicing what I teach others about self-care lol! I won't go into more detail as I am afraid with my state of mind right now it will just sound like a bunch of complaining. I am not in a good head space right now. I want this visit to go well and the transition to Faith returning home to be positive. I want to be intentional about it and get us started on the right foot without fears and old baggage getting in the way. I want the boys to not be anxious about this transition. I want all of us to give her the benefit of the doubt. I want her to feel loved and that she belongs. Please pray for our time together and the transition:) 

So many people are hurting right now. Find your people and connect. Get help if you need it. Find support. Get sleep and do good self-care. Be in the Word. Trust the Word. Remind yourself constantly to keep the main things the main things. This life is not for the feint of heart or for the unintentional.