Gender Reveal: We are having a Grand daughter!

We are having a grand daughter!  Although, on my maternal side of the family that is not a surprise. This is the 5th generation of a first born daughters. We have a lot of females on that side of the family.

A lot.

In fact, we have so many more girls than boys that our family started a group called Ruth's Daughter's Daughters. Why? My great grandmother was named Ruth. She was a midwife who had...5 daughters. Of those 5 daughters only 1 had sons. In that entire generation of cousins there are only 3 boys. So, the women got together starting about 26ish years ago (man that makes me feel old) and started to have weekends together as an extended family (sorry male cousins). I was in the next generation so wasn't a part of those meetings. In my generation of cousins there are a few more boys in extended the family, but my grandmother and grandfather had 3 daughters, and they had 7 kids - 1 of whom is male (my brother). In my generation 4 of the 7 of us have had children, 3 of us had sons - but our first borns were daughters:) All of the 6 cousins in Beautiful's generation are younger than JJ is, so we will see if there are more boys born or not:) The age gaps in my generation are also interesting to think about - My cousins were all born between the time I was 8 and 18 so we didn't get to have the "close cousins" experiences others have. I supposed my grand kids will have the same experience too.

So, now Beautiful starts the 5th generation with...Ruth's Daughter's, Daughter's, Daughters', Daughter's Daughter:)

We threw a Gender Reveal Party for them last night. While parties are not my comfort zone, we were excited to put together a celebration for Beautiful and her husband. And, hey, the house got really clean lol!   JJ had a hard time with the house cleaning. I think he is already feeling pushed aside by the baby. He likes his structure, routine, and place in the world. We eventually got around it but he is already insistent this morning that I get all of his toys back out where they belong lol!

I am not sure how I was supposed to take it when the kids just kept walking through the house saying, "wow! this is really clean!" and "wow! the food all looked good!"

I will say that I discovered the secret of a successful party...delegation!  lol!  Considering my first big party was Beautiful's graduation, followed shortly thereafter by a wedding of very large proportions, this one's size was "just right" ;) I had help from an incredible chef for the salads (and beautiful flower arrangement), another friend came early and helped me set up (thankfully! along with the person who helped with the food), and another friend stepped in during cake serving time to assist.

I have concluded that I have amazing friends:)

I was feeling pretty good about it all until someone reminded me that we have another graduation party in 10 months....  :(  He hasn't decided if he wants a party or not. Maybe I can try the same tactic as I attempted with the wedding and suggest (instead of a destination wedding) a destination graduation (or just offer him cash to not put me through having to plan a party). Ok, I am getting a little punchy now. It must be post-party craziness. Any questions on why I do not drink? I am crazy enough without alcohol lol!

Anyway...today I forced myself to do my work out, feed the kids, and get "should have been done earlier in the week" paperwork completed. I am now going to sit.on.my.backside and do engage in my favorite hobby (reading) while attempting to keep the kids from pulling out each other's hair. My husband is recuperating from his post-party mind-fog by garage saleing with our daughter and husband. They have been at it for 5 hours now. They.are.crazy.

In re-reading this post I think that I seriously need to just stop typing. Now.

So, the highlights - we are having a granddaughter! 5th Generation first born daughter! The house is clean! I have great friends! I am a little discombobulated!

God is good:) We are blessed:) And I am excited to be a Grandma!

Summer Boot Camp:Teaching the Kids to Trust Us

Our house is chaotic. Pretty much total chaos. Most of the time. With 2 kids who struggle daily with significant emotional dysregulation it seems like every moment is a ticking time bomb just waiting for some to start yelling or accusing or arguing or something totally out of proportion to the situation. And the rebellion. Ugg...  Every time a kid actually says "yes mom" I about fall over from a shock. It is a rare occurrence.

Peace.

That is what I long for...

So in May I informed the family that this summer was "Summer Boot Camp." I took everyone's electronic devices away, put up the game console controllers and games, and put up the remotes to the TV (although they have slowly earned them back for short periods of time).

My husband and I reminded the kids of the rules already in place. Chores for each kid and no fighting, arguing, back talk, etc.  Essentially, disrespect will be disciplined. More on disrespect below...

Summer Boot Camp is also forcing my husband and I to be more diligent about "catching" them being obedient and kind. I bought colored poker chips and assigned a color to each kid. They get 1 poker chip for completing their chores, and then every time we "catch" them being kind to one another, first time obedience, cheerful obedience, being willing to let someone else do something first, using kinds words and tones of voices, etc. Once they get to 10 in a single day they get a prize.

*****

Objectively, how has it gone? We are almost 2 months into it and we have discovered some things.

1. My husband and I needed to be more diligent about catching the kids doing well lol!

2. My husband and I needed to be better about being on the same page about expectations, and the same consequences for the kids' lack of compliance.

3. Behavioral incidents have decreased.

4. Life has been smoother with very strict rules (you thought we were strict before? Nothing compared to now!)  If my kids called me "The Hammer" before, I don't even want to know what they call me now lol!

******

I am a person who never really shuts off analyzing behavior, wondering what motivates a person, or looking for deeper meaning. Most of the time the kids get mad and tell me to stop being a psychologist and groan that they were unfortunate enough to have one as a mother. I just tell them that I have always been wired this way and went into the field because that is how I think, I don't think this way because of what I do.

Anyway, I have been more intentional about analyzing their behavior this summer since we are slowly moving out of "crisis parenting" mode and a few weeks ago discovered something that I found interesting and has changed the way that we are interacting with them with, so far anyway, delightfully positive results.

You may think this is an "obviously" moment, but for me it was an "ah ha" moment. They argue (well, 2 of them argue, 2 of them make dramatic comments and stomp off) with us because they don't... trust us.  I am trained in Trust Based Relational Intervention and have been using its tenets to try to dig to the bottom of the kids' behavior and the chaos. When I dug down deep enough I realized that they didn't respect us - because they don't trust us. 

I called a family meeting and talked to them about their disrespect toward us, but also that the disrespect is rooted in the fact that they don't trust us. I gave a lot of examples to them of how we see them arguing with us because they don't trust us, and therefore don't respect us/show us respectful behavior.

"Respect" has been a hard word for both my my husband and myself. I can remember my husband telling me at the beginning of our marriage that we will never demand that our children "respect" us. I came to understand that he grew up with a father that demanded "respect" (outwardly compliant behavior that never EVER questioned his father) yet did nothing to earn it (and much to do the opposite). I had similar conversations with a parent, so it was difficult for us to navigate what "respect" really meant. We have always believed that respect must be earned and not demanded. One can show "respectful" behavior externally, but if one's heart is full of resentment and bitterness (a lack of trust, connection, and belief that the person actually has your best interest at heart) is the external compliance really the best goal? Isn't changing the person's heart the goal (especially in a parent/child situation)? So how does one do that?

So, the new intervention? Every time that they argue with us we now respond with "do you trust me?"

I really want to deeply root in their minds and hearts that they can trust us. Whether this will help or not, after 8 and 10 years of taking care of their every need hasn't done so, I don't know. But I do know that this intervention requires more "thought" on their part. They have to actually think "do I trust them or not?" They have to make a choice of deferring to our decisions, or to argue and essentially say that they don't believe that we have their backs or their best interests at heart. Either way, we are eliminating the knee-jerk rebellion and requiring their response to be more intentional and thought through.

We have also realized that it goes both ways. Just yesterday we accidentally discovered that a couple of the kids had done something that was extra over and above their normal disobedient behavior. We sat them down and talked, once again, about how we want them to trust us and know that we are here for them. They do not have to be afraid of us (I believe that fear is the root of lack of trust, anger, etc). The kids confessed their sin openly (quite honestly, shocking us) and it appeared they were genuinely remorseful and had no problem with the severity of the consequence. We talked about how we know it is hard for them to trust us based on what they have experienced in their lives. However, we also wanted to impress upon them that it is hard for us to trust them when they act this way and they need to understand that is why we have such strict rules. We simply can't trust them. But we want to. We discussed how we know how they feel struggling to trust us, like we struggle to trust them.

********

So, qualitatively what have we seen since this has started? 

It has been different with each kid but I think that all of them show an increased trust in us.

Superman: He is initiating hugs and snuggling more. In the 9 years he has been with us I can count on 2 hands the number of time he has initiated a hug. He seems more at peace. He is opening up more. He seems to be genuinely submitting to our authority (trusting us) and decisions without the anger that has always been present but underlying his "mask."

Grace: She still argues, but she stops sooner. That is a major, major improvement. She apologizes more readily, and she actually says "yes Mom" or "yes Dad" or "ok" several times a day. It shocks me every.single.time. Every time she has a major tantrum she has to go to bed early that night. That is her most hated consequence. Quite honestly, she goes to bed early most nights (which means we have quieter evenings and we can devote more time to the other kids which is making a noticeable difference in our relationships with them). But we have found that the more she realizes that we are serious the more she works toward self-control. We caught her laughing with the other kids about me forgetting about a consequence and her getting away with doing something. We write them down now. It doesn't happen anymore lol!

Faith: She is doing SO much better than she was. Gradually since the March she has become a very different child than she was the previous 18 months (well, 3+ years). I am so thankful! She wants a lot of holding, is opening up more, and is far more compliant, and far more willing to accept consequences when she messes up. 

JJ: JJ is a tough nut to crack. Since he can finally talk more or less in a way that can be understood, he has been insistent to have his voice "heard." We are thankful that he "speaks" much less with aggressive behavior now, but his arguing skills, attention to detail, memory of situations that have happened before, memory of every "yes you can do that" ever uttered, and ability to sniff out loopholes in logic would make him an excellent attorney one day.

We had struggled several months ago until recently with him deciding that I was no longer to hug him, kiss him, or snuggle with him. He would tell me that he wanted to go live with his "real mom." He said a lot of things that really hurt. But in the last month he is really coming around again. For a kid who has begged me for years to "hold me" for hours a day to being physically rejected has been hard. But it is getting back to a better place. He is less angry. He initiates hugs, kisses, giving me a neck rub, and snuggles. He laughs and gets silly when I hug and kiss him. He seems to be back to the way that he was. 

Of course, when I ask him "do you trust me?" He will say "no" and laugh - ever the contradictory child;)

So, overall I am so thankful that God has given us the wisdom to see what seems to be going on with the kids. They are at a dangerous age and we need to be on solid ground moving forward. They need to trust us. I think that we are getting there. I have more hope than I have had in many years. More often I am feeling the peace and laughter in our home that has been lacking for too long. We are actually able to go out on family activities and have them go better than they ever have. 

I had dreaded the kids being home for the summer, but this has been our best summer yet:) Yay for Summer Boot Camp lol!

Another Timely Sermon

This is another one of my "being real" posts. I appreciate how my pastor often talks about how we, as Christians, need to preach the gospel to ourselves daily. It is important for us to maintain perspective. Hearing the gospel and making a choice for accept Christ as our Lord and Savior isn't just a one time event. We need to keep saturated in the gospel as believers to help us to stand strong.  I heard once that we don't just put food in our fridge, leave it plugged in for a few hours, and unplug it for the rest of the week. Just like we shouldn't just attend church once a week for a few hours and ignore Truth the rest of the week (or longer). I realized with our pastor's sermon a couple of weeks ago that I had become "unplugged." I was still going through the motions but wasn't saturating myself in the gospel. It was getting jaded and it was making it harder for me to engage with my daily realities with the proper perspective.

Raising children is very difficult. Raising kids with "special" needs is also difficult. One of my children threatens my perspective more than the others - although they all definitely take turns. "She" is a precious, loving, giving, creative, hard working, affectionate, and attentive to emotions of others child. However, the impulsivity, hyperactivity, and a complete lack of self-control or emotional regulation at times is overwhelming.  The arguing. Or Dear Lord! The arguing! Please make it stop!

The morning of the sermon in question was so bad that we kept Buddy home from Sunday School to stay with her because we had to go teach Sunday School and couldn't trust her to not act out if we left the house. We put her in her room, then came back after Sunday School to get her. She was completely calm and apologetic by then. I wish so badly there was an ADHD medication that worked 24/7. All because I told her that the hair clip she wanted to put in her hair did not match her dress...

As I was walking to church with her after Sunday School, I was feeling at my wits end. I was already dreading summertime with us not getting the respite we get when she goes to school. I was considering asking someone to take her for a couple of weeks to give us a break. She does not typically act out for others. The people who have had her 1:1 say that she does well with that ratio. She probably would have done better as an only child...  But that is not our reality...

Which leads me to today's sermon. Our pastor started preaching through Colossians the previous week. That was a good sermon too, intellectually. But today really struck me in the heart (so much so that when we had our "what did you think of the sermon" talk during lunch and I was crying I freaked out the kids - they rarely see me cry).

The title of the sermon was "Our Desperate Need and God's Joyful Response." He talked about how we are reconciled with Christ (if we believe in Him as our Lord and Savior) because of His death on the cross. That we have a desperate need for saving and God responded to that need by having Jesus die for us.

In essence, The gospel.

Which Jesus did willingly and joyfully.

He gave the uncomfortable example of the Titanic. In the lifeboats there was 1 captain of a lifeboat who wanted to go back to save more drowning people, but the passengers on the boat said "no" because they were afraid of capsizing the boat and all of them dying. There was a boat where the people said "go save more people" but the captain of the lifeboat said "no" for the similar reason.  And there was a boat where the people and the captain all agreed to go save some more, and 13 more were saved. Tragic. Utterly tragic. What would we choose in that type of situation? While I want to be like boat #3, I think that too often I am like boat #1.

Yet, we are those people drowning and Jesus chose to die, die for us. And asks us to be like him and care for his people like he cares for them.

He asks us to care for his children like he cares for them. Sacrificially. 

I am desperate for Jesus to sacrificially love me no matter what.  And my daughter is desperate for me to love her no matter what. With a joyful response. 

Uff da.

I feel so beat down and empty...too often. I feel like I sacrifice for them every moment. Everything I do is centered around taking care of these children. How we have structured and live our lives is completely centered around the needs of these children. Yet, do I have the joyful response to their desperate need? Ummm, nope. There wasn't much joy that morning as I heard pounding on the walls, wondered what would get broken today, and heard the hateful words coming from the room.

But don't I do the same to Jesus? Do I really have my heart set the way I need to with Him or am I in rebellion against him in deed and attitude too?

Ouch.

It is good to belong to a Bible preaching church that challenges us in our sanctification process. I know a lot of people who say that they believe in God but don't think they need to attend church. I am not going to tell others what they should or should not do about that and I completely agree that if church is just a ritual to attend, I am not sure what the benefit is. However, if I did not attend a solid Bible teaching church and was left to my own devices I know I would become more lukewarm and isolated, drowning in my own futile thinking. I need my pastors to be challenging me, and I need others' who I know are thinking Biblically to challenge me and encourage me. In raising these tough kiddos I have become isolated. I hardly ever talk to friends, having lost a lot when we chose to have these kids. It is too time consuming to pour into them and pour into friendships (and pour into others via my job). My best friend is my husband (as it should be) but I recognize that outside friendships are also necessary to help lift us in the Lord. I think we are at a place where I can begin to nurture those again.

To hear the gospel every week (in addition to my Bible reading and prayer time during the week) and saturate myself with Truth when the world wants to keep pulling me away.

That day I needed the reminder: joyfully love the desperate need of my sinful kids. After all, I am just like them and that is what I want Jesus to do for me.

In the past couple of weeks this perspective shift (reminder to preach the gospel to myself) was what I needed. I have been able to maintain perspective and not become as frustrated. I have been able to maintain my joyful response (well, not always exactly joyful but better...;)

Which leads me to my next post : Summer Bootcamp.  I am loving it!

Stay-cation: The Highlights

This was the last year for all 3 of the Middles to attend Royal Family Kids Camp. My husband and I debated and debated if I would take the week off of work and if we would do something special. I felt very guilty about taking time off of work. Being self-employed means that I am never really "off duty." Being self-employed in my field with me being the only employee means that I really am on call 24/7. My job is important to me and I am reluctant to not be available. However, at the last minute I did decide to take the week off. It helped that Monday was a federal holiday so it messed up my work schedule anyway:)

We went back and forth on what to do. Originally I had wanted to go on an Alaskan cruise. However, not only did I not get to my goal weight for our agreement on when we could go on the cruise, my husband feels that the kids are too young to go that far away yet:(  Then we talked about taking a couple of days to go fishing a couple of hours away and stay in a cabin. Buddy did not want to go anywhere overnight so we considered going with just JJ. Then we decided to just stay home and take a day trip. It is not like we ever get to have respite from the kiddos. We don't have grandparents/family nearby so it was a big deal to think about the possibilities with the kids gone. In the end, it was nice to just be home:)

The day before the kiddos left we did some fun things together including going for a walk to the cemetery. The flags were all up and we had good discussions about the meaning of Memorial Day, thinking about the soldiers and families who have sacrificed for our freedoms, etc. Of course, having 3 kids on bikes for a mile each way (Faith and I walked) when the street was busier than usual with others going to the cemetery about gave me a heart attack, but we all got home safely (thanks to drivers who were paying attention). We ordered pizza for supper and got packed up.

Monday morning I fed the Middles and my husband took them to the drop off site for camp. Then he continued on the Menards (see why I did not go with?  lol!!)  The van gave him trouble and then sat in a shop for the next 3 days and cost us the money we saved by not going to a cabin for a couple of days...  I told my husband it is time for a new van - a 15 passenger this time to accommodate all of the junk we haul on trips. He is not on board😛

I spent the day doing deep cleaning of closets and other areas of the house. I have misplaced my itouch and really hoped to find it. I never did 😡. It was so quiet in the house. JJ played by himself well and it left me to be productive.

Tuesday - the times of the day that I dislike the most are when the kids wake up and bedtime. If you have a child with ADHD in your house you will understand. When they wake up in the morning (which is early) there are no medications in their body. They are wired. Waking up to slamming doors and other kids yelling "get out of my room!" is not the best way to start the day. We had 4 glorious mornings of no conflict. I got to sleep in until 8 or 9 each morning. I didn't dread the morning. It was good:) Tuesday I kept trying to keep the pace of Monday but my family started to give me grief about my grandiose plans and telling me that I was on vacation - so I should relax. It rubbed me a bit wrong but I gave up by evening and just went with it. I cannot even begin to express to you how wonderful it was to not have bedtime insanity for 4 days. Again, ADHD medications are no longer working by bedtime which makes the lack of self-control of emotions and impulsivity really frustrating. The day time can usually go pretty well - ADHD medications are a wonderful wonderful invention. But they haven't made any yet that work 24/7 as they are stimulants and if they were in therapeutic levels in the blood stream 24/7 the person would not sleep. Which is already an issue anyway.

Ok, moving on. When we reflected on the week my husband and I both agreed that the best part of the week was no fighting upon waking or bedtime. Hear that for what it is...

Tuesday night the 6 of us went to pizza and a movie. It was a very nice time:)

Wednesday 4 of us (it was so fun to spend time with Beautiful this week!) got up and drove 2 hours to an art museum. We had never been to one before so thought it would be nice to get it off of our bucket list while we had 3 less children to worry about breaking things. As it turned out, it was a good thing they weren't there as I got to see first hand about the debate of "is it art or is it porn?" JJ has not let us forget his impressions of the museum - it being the first thing he told his siblings about when they got in the van after camp and him now referring to it as "the naked place."   We have decided, as a family, that we must not understand art and have no interest in checking out another art museum...  We also went to Cabelas (to make the other 3 adults happy;) I stayed in the car (the van was in the shop so we were squished into the car) with JJ (because we had to carry him out of the museum during a temper tantrum - unfortunately it wasn't the first time we have had to do that and won't be the last - and I was not going into another public setting with him until he calmed down). After a long time we finally went in. My husband had gone in for 1 large purchase. When I got in there he was finishing the transaction. I was handed the receipt to fold it up...and realized that he actually made two large purchases.  All I could do at that point was laugh. He put up with the museum. I got to put up with the purchases;) It is a good thing that Cabelas is so far away that we rarely go there lol!

Thursday I decided that I was going to...do nothing. I did force myself to a couple of hours of paperwork, but the rest of the time I just engaged in my most favorite past time of all - reading. I read 3 or 4 books that day. I really, really like to read:)  That night I got a phone call out of the blue from the prior foster parents of Superman and Faith. They were attending a softball game for one of their adopted daughters and wanted to see if they could see the kids. They haven't seen them for a long time. Maybe 6 years? So I went down to see them with pictures of the kids, and we made plans to get together later this summer so the kids can see them again. Superman and Faith were only with them for 3 months but they actually remember them and think of them as special people. It is hard for them when JJ gets to have written contact with his birth mom, and Grace used to go visit her grandparents. Since Superman and Faith will never get to have contact with their bio family this foster family is their "before" family to them so we try to stay in touch with Christmas letters, etc.

Friday - I stayed up until 2 Thursday night reading knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it again for a long time lol! Then we slept until 8 (I only ever get 6 hours of sleep so that was normal) and trying to finish up paperwork and odds and ends before the kiddos came back.

When we picked them up Faith came out of the cabin and started sobbing so hard she couldn't speak. I got her in the van then Grace came out clearly having cried but able to talk. Then Superman came out with a smile. Apparently the girls had such a great time they did not want to leave their friends (and Superman handles emotion better than the girls - but he was sad too). It is so special for them to have people totally devoted to them for a week (there is 1 leader for 2 kids) and the entire time being just fun with no chores or responsibilities. It is hard to leave that. I love what Royal Family Kids Camp stands for and how they are run. We are considering sending JJ next year. Superman and Grace aged out of the program this year and next year only Faith and JJ are eligible. It is a great program and I know it is hard for them to come back to reality (doesn't everyone have a hard time coming back from vacation?). However, we braced for the transition and it went really well. The kids got along, we got all of their things sorted and washed and put away, and we were surprised by how well it was going. But... let me just say that the bedtime was about 100x worse than usual.

But that is reality. And we are back to that now...stay-cation is over;)

Next post? We have implemented "Summer Boot Camp!"

Shopping...With JJ. Oh the Joys;)

Just a small peak into my reality. If you ever see me out shopping? Please don't judge, and please give me grace;)

Friday morning JJ had speech therapy. We were out of a bunch of important food/household items so had gone back and forth over the past couple of days on if we should get them at Walmart 20 minutes away or go to Sam's Club 1 hour away. We decided on Sams. Superman and Faith got done with school on Wednesday, so we left Superman home with Buddy. He was thrilled to get to spend the day reading and relaxing (although several of his friends ended up popping over for fun). I personally think he was the most happy that I wasn't home to tell him to do any more cleaning like Thursday's big cleaning day lol!  Anyway, we took Faith with us and after Speech Therapy we headed to the town with Sam's Club.

JJ doesn't do the greatest with car rides. Thursday night he looked at me with surprise on  his face and said, "I haven't thrown up in forever!" Well, 2 blocks from the restaurant he informed me he was going to throw up (usually he doesn't get car sick after about 10 a.m., but he has now twice in the past month - but has not the vomiting after eating so that is a plus. I don't think I will ever get this kid figured out!)... I had a bag ready since that is our reality and that got done. We threw the bag away in the restaurant's dumpster and headed inside to Carlos O'Kelly's.

JJ loved that he got to eat unlimited chips and salsa and chowed it down. Then he wanted tacos, but didn't like them when they came. He did, however, like the shrimp on my husband's fajitas and ate.them.all. Then he started in on my husband's beef and chicken. My husband had to hurry up and eat so JJ didn't eat it all lol! Faith and I shared chicken fajitas and she ate JJ's taco. Goofy kid.

Then we made a quick trip to Menards. Faith and I tried to keep JJ occupied while my husband got what was on his list. He was done at the agreed upon time - that must have been a first lol! Once he found us I found other items to throw into the cart and we headed to the check out (I love that Menards now sells cereal!) and Faith was excited to find a discounted a movie:)  We got to the front and I learned something else new. I am usually the one who "gets" to watch the children while my husband pays (and shops). I have the children taken to the vehicle and buckled in before he ever gets done paying and to the van. So today I was in the checkout line just waiting with him while trying to keep JJ in one place and he made a comment to me, "it would be helpful if you bagged the items." I stood there looking at the Menards set up and realized...that I have never ever been in the Menards check out. I have always had to take the kids out before that part of the process so did not realize he had to get the items both out of the cart while simultaneously bagging the ones already checked lol! It took me a few minutes to figure out why the process felt so awkward to me - I wonder if, in maybe another 10 years, if I will get to relinquish the role of child watching and rushing to the vehicle lol! I think it will be a stretch for me to actually enjoy shopping through. Right now all I do is flit my eyes from kid to kid to kid with a lot of "don't touch that" "get back here" "stop bothering your siblings" thrown in;)

We left Menards and headed to Walmart. We had 3 things on the list (THREE!!). We made a plan and I told my husband where we were heading. He didn't show up. Then he called and said he was waiting for me up front. We booked it up front and...he wasn't there lol! I finally found him and we got out of there.

Then...we got to Sam's Club. We had a list there too. However, JJ had hit his limit. My husband took off to get the items on the list. I was trying to just browse with the 2 kids. The problem with browsing to keep kids occupied? JJ saw something he actually wanted and would not return to me. Faith and I had to head down 2 different isles to corner him. My husband wasn't answering his phone to tell me where he was or to come help me.We got him wrangled, found my husband, and I got JJ and Faith buckled into the car while...yep...my husband checked out;)

To be completely honest though, this was actually a much better shopping trip than most. I did not actually lay down on the floor and have a tantrum.  No, I mean that he, HE, did not actually have a tantrum lol!  He did not kick or hit me. He did refuse to come to me and he did try to pull away from me.  But it was a pretty low key day compared to the usual. I think that the kids are...finally...growing up lol!

And he didn't get car sick again on the way home.   Yay!

If you see some harried mother with her children acting up in a store, please do not assume that she does not discipline her children, and think rude thoughts of her. Extend her mercy;)

I often think of the verse in James in these situations, "Judgment, without mercy, will be shown to those who have not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment." I have to remind myself of this verse plenty myself...


Grace gets out of school next Wednesday. That will be the big test. Grace by herself is great. Grace with any other combination of kids is...explosive. (I don't know if any of you have noticed that we have a very specific order that we sit in our church pew? It is the same every week for a very good reason. Keep Grace FAR away from Buddy and Superman is our peacekeeper). Today was intentionally our last "hurrah" with JJ and Faith before...before...before the realities of summer vacation with all of the kids thrown together 24/7.

But that is for another post;)

I going to be a Grandma!! The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Our first-born is having a baby! We are so excited!

The story behind the onsies;) I have always had this dialogue with Beautiful:

Beautiful: I love you!
Me: I love you more!
Beautiful: I love you most!
Me: I love you mostest!!

So when I knew that they were going to start trying for a baby I got 2 neutral colored onsies and paid a ridiculous amount of money to get them printed with these sayings as their "congratulations" gift. Then they sat in a gift bag and waited for the announcement:)

My husband and I enjoy teasing each other calling each other "Grandpa" and "Granny" (although I think we will be calling me "Nana" for fun). JJ and Beautiful already joke that I am his "grandma" so it isn't like I am not used to the word lol!  The kids are over the moon with joy and anticipation. As I have commented before, JJ has been begging for a baby brother so this will hopefully fulfill his need - as there is no way he is getting another brother from me unless God sets a child on our doorstep and say "here you go" lol! I am thinking that this child will never learn to walk with all of the aunts/uncle/grandparents wanting to hold him/her;)

On the other hand, hopefully s/he will learn quickly to hold his/her own and set good boundaries with lots of people wanting to jump in to "help" lol!

I am so glad that they live so close and I will get to be an active part of their lives during this time. My husband keeps reminding me that they may move away at some point, and while that breaks my heart I will take what I can get while I can get it:) We moved away from Minnesota and all of our families when Beautiful was 4 months old so we have never had grandparents around to come see the kids' activities, bake cookies with the kids, take the kids so my husband and I could have a few hours of respite, etc. It has been hard to be self-sufficient while raising this crew. I don't want that for my kiddos. I want to be an involved grandma who is available to help, babysit, listen to frustrations, give hugs, help with car pooling, attend events etc.

I did have to laugh last night when I had a realization of that though. We were at the AWANA awards night and I was thinking that the Middles only have 1 more year left. Then JJ will be the last kid to haul over there every Wednesday and sit through the awards night. But...then I had the realization that by the time JJ is done with AWANA, our grandbaby will be in AWANA lol! Oh the many joys and realizations of having kids spread out in age so our kids and grand kids are not far apart in age lol! All of our boys are 5 years apart, and JJ will be 7 years older than this child (there are 13 years between Beautiful and JJ, hence the joking they do about her being "mom" lol!)

Ok, this is the "good." But there has been some bad and ugly as well. First, I will share the ugly. I share this not because I like to air my own sin and brokenness, but to share the realities and vulnerabilities of my heart - the yuck that almost irrevocably ruined my relationship with my first-born. I am not perfect. I am certainly not a perfect mother. I have tons of my own baggage from my life. But I am trying to figure it out so that I can be as healthy as I can as I try to navigate this adventure of parenting.

I haven't always been so excited about Beautiful having a child yet. In fact, I was quite hostile about it for quite awhile. Hostile. Even before they married I was adamant with them they had to wait a LONG time before they had kids, insisted on birth control that would further that goal, and was just plain hostile about this topic. The birth control made my daughter feel sick a lot and they made a decision to stop it. I was apoplectic. I could not have a conversation with her on this topic that was not demanding and controlling. I could tell that the emotion was way over the top and my fear for them starting a family already was irrational and ridiculous, but I literally could not stop myself from the intensity of the emotion and it would boil over into my words and non-verbals whenever she would broach the topic with me. It was ugly. I was ugly.

One day she came over before work (I think to eat some of our food for breakfast. She used to do that a lot before she felt too sick in the morning to do so lol!). She brought it up again. She never tried to tell me I was wrong. But I will never forget her words, "Mom, I just need to know that when we come to tell you that we are pregnant that you will be happy for us. I need you to be happy for us." I responded (and I tell you this with great embarrassment and self-disgust) that when she tells me I will be excited because the decision will have been made and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it at that time anyway.

Ugg. What ugly, ugly words! I am tearing up just remembering that terrible conversation. After she left for work I was so disgusted with myself and just couldn't figure out why I couldn't just be happy for them! I knew that I was on the cusp of possibly forever ruining my relationship with my daughter. The daughter that I had labored way too  many hours to give birth to. The daughter that my husband and I have sacrificed so much to have him stay at home and raise, and home school, and love and cherish through the years. Was I really going to be "that mother" now? On this topic? Was it worth the breach in our relationship? I texted her that I was sorry and that I knew it was my problem, not hers and I would work on it.

So, I did. I did an EMDR session about it. I know I talk about EMDR a lot, but it really is amazingly healing and I guess this is a bit of a testimony on how it has changed my own life. Throughout the course of, I think it was only a 20 minute session, I process through baggage and realized other baggage. I am not looking to blame or put excuses on things. I am just sharing this as an understanding of what was standing in my way so that I could not embrace this decision of my daughter - my ADULT and MARRIED daughter who does not need my approval for a thing, but still wants her mom to be happy for her.

My parents married when my mom was 17, and I was born a month before my mom's 19th birthday. My brother came along a couple of years later. Then our parents divorced. Growing up a child of divorce sucks. No matter how amicable my parents were (and are) with one another. Even though my mother only missed 1 visitation ever (she was literally stuck in a snow drift that went over the top of her car for a whole day because she was trying to get to us). It still sucked. A lot. I know people divorce for a lot of reasons, and sometimes I see kids are hurt more by parents staying together in abusive situations "for the sake of the children" it doesn't stop the reality that divorce is very hard on kids. Throughout the EMDR I realized just how irrational my fears were. Because Beautiful also married young (that was also a hard decision that we prayed over and sought biblical counsel on for months and months before we gave consent) and now was thinking of having a child young I just couldn't get myself out of "being" that young child whose mother left. In "trauma talk" we call that being stuck in "trauma time." When triggered by something in the present we revert back to feeling like we are back in the trauma and that the trauma never resolved or finished. I was convinced that early marriage and children equaled divorce and hurt kids. Anyway, after the EMDR I could see it. Before, Nope.

Next insight - when I was a senior in high school my step-sister who is 2 days younger than me had a baby. I saw how much that affected her life, the child's life, our family dynamics, and now the next 26 years of her life. Again, flipping back into "trauma time" (and let me tell you, that just because she is the one who had the baby it doesn't mean it wasn't also traumatic for me - the only other kid still living in the home) I just kept believing "this can only end in heartache."

Next insight- I am raising 4 kids who mothers had them too young and without the means to parent them the way they needed to be parented. I see their pain every day when they ask about their birth families or they struggle with something related poor prenatal experiences or early trauma or attachment issues. I don't want my grandchildren to suffer the same way. Again, I kept seeing "this can only end badly."

And, of course in my profession I do a lot of marriage counseling. Countless times I have heard spouses say "we just got married too young and had kids too soon." Even in my own marriage, I was 22 when we got married, 24 when our daughter was born, and I just finishing graduate school with the means to provide financially for our family, etc and it was still very challenging. Again, I could only see that this decision could only result in divorce or an unhealthy marriage.

Throughout the course of 20 minutes of EMDR I was able to process through decades of prejudices and hostility and came out of it with several conclusions. They were things that I had been telling myself before but I just couldn't "own" if you know what I mean? Like it was in my head but every time the topic was broached I just kept reverting back to the ugly emotional place convinced that it could only end in disaster (and, of course, I couldn't keep my mouth shut about that could I? Jeesh).

I came to be able to "own" several conclusions (and more that I don't need to go into). My daughter is not my mother. My daughter is not my sister. My son-in-law is not my father or my niece's father. Beautiful and my son-in-law have tried very very hard to honor God in their courtship, marriage, and now with starting a family. The situations are not the same (except for the age - even that she is 2 years older than my mom or my sister were). They are not my adopted kids' bio parents or making the decisions that they made. God is sovereign over this. Am I going to trust God in this, or my own very flawed logic? How many times has God had to remind me over and over that I need to trust Him, that I can trust Him...even when the outcome has been heartbreaking? God is far more about process than end result (which I don't always appreciate) because that is what changes hearts. Obviously He needed to change my heart...and I am so thankful that He did:)

Finally, were my fears really worth ruining my relationship with this precious young woman and her equally amazing husband who are trying to live their own journey for Christ? Am I really so utterly self-centered that my way is the only way?

Ugg. I told you it was ugly. That I was ugly. I came out the other side of the processing with an intense excitement and joy for them to have a child. Anyone who has done EMDR will relate that it is like something "flips." In fact, I just sat there afterwards and thought, "really? I was really that worked up about this? What the heck?"

I immediately texted my daughter and told her that I had figured out my own yuck and was supportive of whatever their decision would be.

And I was:) I am!

The bad...
I won't say much about this part because it is not my story to tell, but it took awhile for our daughter to conceive. Every month was heartbreaking for them, and I cried right along with her. I am crying about it yet again while typing this... When I think about what it would have been like for her to go through that without my support? What if she would have thought every month that she wasn't pregnant "I can't tell mom because she will just be happy that I am not pregnant?" What if I would have uttered words like, "it is for the best?" totally invalidating her pain? It was hard enough when one of her sisters went to Awana and announced that Beautiful was pregnant (1 hour after a discussion that the sister heard about how sad Beautiful was that she was NOT yet pregnant). So people were making comments to Beautiful about it. That was heartbreaking situation for Beautiful that I, again, was able to be supportive of but what if I hadn't been?  I had Beautiful do EMDR during the time she was not getting pregnant, not to take away any of the pain of situation (which no one can do) but to help her stop believing that it was her fault. I never had an issue with fertility so had no idea how to resonate with her on this topic, but it would have been so much worse if I had not gotten my own act together. I am so thankful that God kicked me into action about it when He did!

I see all of the comments of support and encouragement and excitement from many of you when we made the announcement yesterday. If I would not have dealt with my own fears I would have been such a hypocrite - claiming to be happy on the outside while grinding my teeth on the inside.

But, I AM excited! I AM GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!!!!  How awesome it that?!?! My daughter has grown up, and carried on the precious cycle of life! I mean, we have SIX CHILDREN! Kids are important to us and we have centered our lives around raising children - she has seen how we value family and is carrying that on. That is a beautiful thing, not something to avoid. In fact, Beautiful, as the oldest of 6 kids, has had far more experience and will be far more prepared with her first child than I was lol! We hope to raise our kids "right" desiring to honor and serve the Lord and they desire to do that - why would I stand in the way of that?  Whereas before I know that I would have been cold and distant about it, now I can tell that they are going to have to tell me to back off. I already rub her tummy and talk to my grand baby telling him/her how much I love him/her.  I have already asked if I get to be part of labor and delivery - how intrusive is that lol!?! I want to be the best grandma ever, and I want to be the best mom ever - letting my daughter and her husband know that I am totally supportive of their decisions but yet won't have a fit when they set a boundary.


When Beautiful was born my grandmother came to visit. She held Beautiful and teared up saying "I have always, ever since I was a little girl, always wanted to be a great grandma." I thought that was an odd wish in life. But now I understand it:) Consequently, when we went back to Minnesota last week to tell our family in person about the baby coming my grandma was so thrilled that she now gets to be a great GREAT Grandma!


Whew.  That is a lot of good, bad, and ugly... for the 1 or 2 of you who have actually read this far and don't think I am a total failure at being a mother because of what I have shared, I have a funny story for you. This is how they told us...

The day before my husband's birthday it was an hour before church and I was up jogging on my little trampoline (I jog on it and not a treadmill to lower the impact on my back). Beautiful and her husband showed up and asked for my husband as they wanted to give him his birthday present. While I was jogging they handed him a piece of paper. After he read it I asked what they got him and he said, "A dog." Now, I am NOT a dog person. Not even a tiny bit. We have a dog that my husband got for Beautiful in 2006. We still have the dog. I had hoped that we would not replace the dog upon it's eventual demise. My daughter and husband love dogs and have 2. TWO!

So, my response that flew out of my mouth was "Oh no they did not!" He handed me the paper. It started with how much she appreciated him as a dad and went into memories. Then it went into talking about how they had ordered his gift but it wouldn't be in until December. I just kept thinking, "they are getting a puppy from a litter, it still has to be bred and weaned. It must be a fancy hunting dog.  I can't believe this. How in the world am I going to fake excitement for another DOG in this house when I don't like dogs but want to honor my husband who does like dogs and my daughter and her husband have obviously gone through so much work to pull this together?!?!?!"   Yeah, laughing at me yet?

Then at the bottom it said "and it will call you Grandpa."

I totally lost it. I screamed "NO!!!" (not a bad no) and jumped off of the trampoline, all sweaty and nasty and just held my daughter and was crying with excitement and relief for them. I think I just kept saying "my baby, my baby" over and over lol! Finally she said, "mom, you stink!"

My husband likes tricking/surprising me. He was tickled that he got me good!

That is how I found out. Relief it was a baby and not a dog lol! But, seriously, I look on them telling us with such fondness now. Praise the Lord He knocked some sense into me so I could share in their excitement and not make it a dreaded moment for them.

So, there it is. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Praise God that He heals us and sanctifies us.

Praise God for our grand baby!

Nightmares, Migraines, Adoption Issues, and a Big Answer to Prayer:)

Nightmares:
As I have talked about ad nauseaum, JJ is not a good sleeper. At age 6 1/2 he still does not sleep through the night consistently. He falls asleep between 11 and 12. He needs me holding him, at least right next to him, to fall asleep. The nights he falls asleep in my arms are the nights he falls asleep in under 30 minutes instead of in 2 hours. And there is no rhyme or reason why some nights he makes it all night long and some nights he is back in our bed frantic to be plastered against my side within an hour of me carrying him to his own bed. We have tried all kinds of things, nothing works, and at this point I just go with it.

One thing that he does talk about a lot is having nightmares. He won't tell us what they are about so I have been thinking that he has been using that as an excuse. He has asked for over a year for us to pray for him at bedtime "so I won't have bad dreams." Then he accuses me of not praying "right" and asks "why don't your prayers work?" when he says he continues to have bad dreams. He even has Beautiful pray for him the nights she is still here that late as an extra layer against "bad dreams" (since mine don't work;) Again, I have thought over time that this is an excuse to just not want to sleep by himself...

...but last week I had to wake him in the morning to get to an appointment (otherwise I would never wake him - that is a nightmare for both of us...). He was still in his own bed. I will never forget the look of utter shock on his face when he first opened up his eyes and when he blurted out, "I didn't have any bad dreams?!?!" So, that both confirmed to me that he is not faking about the nightmares as there was no way that he could feign that shock the second he woke up, and it broke my heart that he was so surprised that he wasn't woke up in terror from a nightmare. I don't know how to make this better, but we will continue to pray over him:)

****************
Migraines:
I have struggled with headaches for over 20 years. I didn't know they were migraines until just over a year ago. I was under the mistaken assumption that in order for it to be a "migraine" I had to vomit with it. Not true. Since then I have been systematically trying to figure out what triggers them. I go to the chiropractor once a month. I get massages regularly and had to bump it up to every 3 weeks at one point. I work on hydration. I avoid certain kinds of food noticing that after eating at certain restaurants it was bad. I can't avoid taking my children out in public  (just kidding...sort of;) I use Progessence Plus every night and when I got to the right dose it dramatically reduced my headaches. I take a ton of supplements and vitamins. When I feel one coming on I try to take 2 Tylenol and sleep (if possible).  All of these interventions have helped. However, a couple of weeks ago they started coming back stronger than usual and more frequent. Last Sunday I came home, took Tylenol and napped and the migraine was 10 times worse when I woke up. As a last ditch effort I took an anti-histamine since everyone else in the house was have allergy symptoms and I was desperate for it to go away. And it did! I have not been a person to suffer with allergies - congestion, sneezing, watery eyes, etc. But, when I think about when my migraines are worse it is in the fall and spring. Huh. So I took an anti-histamine every day this week and it was better. I woke every morning with a headache starting and it would go away with the anti-histamine. I am very thankful!

The one trigger that consistently results in more frequent migraines that I can't do a single thing about is...frequent interrupted sleep. Sigh...

*******************
Adoption Issues: JJ's mom recently had her 3rd son since JJ has been born. JJ has enjoyed seeing pictures of him and it has started him to talk more and more about his birth family. He has asked to meet her and we are trying to  answer any questions he has. He keeps walking around asking each of us many times a day "what is your real name." I hate that word "real." I keep telling him that everyone has their "real" name (the word "real" is a pet peeve of mine so I keep saying "birth name." Of course, asking him to stop doing something means that he does it 1000 times more...) It really throws him for a loop when his, Beautiful, Buddy, my husband and I all have the same name that we were born with but the other 3 don't. He just can't quite understand the logic of all of that - which is probably why he keeps asking...and asking...and asking...

Anyway, about 3 weeks ago was when this was starting and I asked Superman and Faith how they felt about JJ talking about his birth family, having contact with them, and the idea that he may get to meet them when that was not something they would get to do. Superman responded honestly and actually had some good questions. Most of the time he avoids adoption questions so I was thankful that he felt safe enough to do that. That is one good thing of JJ talking about it so much, Superman has learned that it is not a taboo topic even though we have always told them they can ask anything they want to;) Anyway, I told him that right or wrong I tend to error on the side of answering questions openly and that I never want the kids to feel like there was a time that they felt I held information back from them so if he wanted to know I would share what I knew (in a responsible way of course). The conversation got pretty tough and a lot of questions were asked. I was glad that he felt he could ask and receive honest answers. I was thankful for Superman opening up more during that conversation.

But...something else beautiful also came out that that hard conversation...

*******************
Answer to Prayer:
I have asked you to pray for our girls, and specifically Faith, in the past. Things have been tough for a long, long time with them. We are starting to see some maturity with Grace. She will actually say now that she needs to go to her room to calm down...about 15% of the time. But it is better than 0% of the time;) Bedtime is getting better. She admits that when she goes to bed earlier she is happier in the morning. That right there is HUGE! Over all there is a maturing and we are thankful. Of course, as I typed that she had a tiff with her brother. But at least she only growled and didn't do her normal tantrum. So, progress!

But, things with Faith have had us very, very concerned. Her behavior has been far more intentional and calculating than Grace's impulsivity. Things came to a head March 3. We did an intervention with a group of people on March 6 where she had to publicly admit to them what she had been doing. They prayed over her. She knew that the next step that we were considering was sending her to boarding school. The next couple of weeks I had several situations with her that gave me increased hope. Times when she came and volunteered about a struggle - both before or after (but before she was caught) it happening. Then came that adoption conversation I wrote of in the last section. It totally sent her into an emotional tailspin.

You may think me cruel, but I was finally glad to get some real emotion out of her. Finally it seemed we had broken through to some of the core yuck and she was getting genuine. I had her do EMDR about that and it was a beautiful and cathartic experience for her - (she actually talked about her feelings about her birth mom). And a bonding experience for us. It has "only" been 3 weeks since then but she is doing great! It is the first time I have seen her genuine and authentic with us. She just "feels" more relaxed and at peace. I feel more relaxed and at peace. She has messed up a few times since then but it as been more of what to expect from a typical 10 year old than a 10 year old with attachment/early trauma issues filled with rage/resentment/bitterness/fear/guilt/shame/etc. I am not so naive to think life will be a bed of roses from here on out, but it is the most peace we have felt in the house for years. Years.  I don't have to feel like a prisoner in my own house just to keep the kids in check or fear of what they may do in public. Ok, well, as much fear as there used to be anyway;) I can trust Buddy or Beautiful to babysit and not wonder what will happen. She is earning back privileges she hasn't had for 18 months and not misusing them.

It is good:)

Thank you for praying for our family and for Faith. She is precious and I feel like we have broken through the outer shell and can finally enjoy the real her.  God is good, and He is trustworthy:)