The story behind the onsies;) I have always had this dialogue with Beautiful:
Beautiful: I love you!
Me: I love you more!
Beautiful: I love you most!
Me: I love you mostest!!
So when I knew that they were going to start trying for a baby I got 2 neutral colored onsies and paid a ridiculous amount of money to get them printed with these sayings as their "congratulations" gift. Then they sat in a gift bag and waited for the announcement:)
My husband and I enjoy teasing each other calling each other "Grandpa" and "Granny" (although I think we will be calling me "Nana" for fun). JJ and Beautiful already joke that I am his "grandma" so it isn't like I am not used to the word lol! The kids are over the moon with joy and anticipation. As I have commented before, JJ has been begging for a baby brother so this will hopefully fulfill his need - as there is no way he is getting another brother from me unless God sets a child on our doorstep and say "here you go" lol! I am thinking that this child will never learn to walk with all of the aunts/uncle/grandparents wanting to hold him/her;)
On the other hand, hopefully s/he will learn quickly to hold his/her own and set good boundaries with lots of people wanting to jump in to "help" lol!
I am so glad that they live so close and I will get to be an active part of their lives during this time. My husband keeps reminding me that they may move away at some point, and while that breaks my heart I will take what I can get while I can get it:) We moved away from Minnesota and all of our families when Beautiful was 4 months old so we have never had grandparents around to come see the kids' activities, bake cookies with the kids, take the kids so my husband and I could have a few hours of respite, etc. It has been hard to be self-sufficient while raising this crew. I don't want that for my kiddos. I want to be an involved grandma who is available to help, babysit, listen to frustrations, give hugs, help with car pooling, attend events etc.
I did have to laugh last night when I had a realization of that though. We were at the AWANA awards night and I was thinking that the Middles only have 1 more year left. Then JJ will be the last kid to haul over there every Wednesday and sit through the awards night. But...then I had the realization that by the time JJ is done with AWANA, our grandbaby will be in AWANA lol! Oh the many joys and realizations of having kids spread out in age so our kids and grand kids are not far apart in age lol! All of our boys are 5 years apart, and JJ will be 7 years older than this child (there are 13 years between Beautiful and JJ, hence the joking they do about her being "mom" lol!)
Ok, this is the "good." But there has been some bad and ugly as well. First, I will share the ugly. I share this not because I like to air my own sin and brokenness, but to share the realities and vulnerabilities of my heart - the yuck that almost irrevocably ruined my relationship with my first-born. I am not perfect. I am certainly not a perfect mother. I have tons of my own baggage from my life. But I am trying to figure it out so that I can be as healthy as I can as I try to navigate this adventure of parenting.
I haven't always been so excited about Beautiful having a child yet. In fact, I was quite hostile about it for quite awhile. Hostile. Even before they married I was adamant with them they had to wait a LONG time before they had kids, insisted on birth control that would further that goal, and was just plain hostile about this topic. The birth control made my daughter feel sick a lot and they made a decision to stop it. I was apoplectic. I could not have a conversation with her on this topic that was not demanding and controlling. I could tell that the emotion was way over the top and my fear for them starting a family already was irrational and ridiculous, but I literally could not stop myself from the intensity of the emotion and it would boil over into my words and non-verbals whenever she would broach the topic with me. It was ugly. I was ugly.
One day she came over before work (I think to eat some of our food for breakfast. She used to do that a lot before she felt too sick in the morning to do so lol!). She brought it up again. She never tried to tell me I was wrong. But I will never forget her words, "Mom, I just need to know that when we come to tell you that we are pregnant that you will be happy for us. I need you to be happy for us." I responded (and I tell you this with great embarrassment and self-disgust) that when she tells me I will be excited because the decision will have been made and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it at that time anyway.
Ugg. What ugly, ugly words! I am tearing up just remembering that terrible conversation. After she left for work I was so disgusted with myself and just couldn't figure out why I couldn't just be happy for them! I knew that I was on the cusp of possibly forever ruining my relationship with my daughter. The daughter that I had labored way too many hours to give birth to. The daughter that my husband and I have sacrificed so much to have him stay at home and raise, and home school, and love and cherish through the years. Was I really going to be "that mother" now? On this topic? Was it worth the breach in our relationship? I texted her that I was sorry and that I knew it was my problem, not hers and I would work on it.
So, I did. I did an EMDR session about it. I know I talk about EMDR a lot, but it really is amazingly healing and I guess this is a bit of a testimony on how it has changed my own life. Throughout the course of, I think it was only a 20 minute session, I process through baggage and realized other baggage. I am not looking to blame or put excuses on things. I am just sharing this as an understanding of what was standing in my way so that I could not embrace this decision of my daughter - my ADULT and MARRIED daughter who does not need my approval for a thing, but still wants her mom to be happy for her.
My parents married when my mom was 17, and I was born a month before my mom's 19th birthday. My brother came along a couple of years later. Then our parents divorced. Growing up a child of divorce sucks. No matter how amicable my parents were (and are) with one another. Even though my mother only missed 1 visitation ever (she was literally stuck in a snow drift that went over the top of her car for a whole day because she was trying to get to us). It still sucked. A lot. I know people divorce for a lot of reasons, and sometimes I see kids are hurt more by parents staying together in abusive situations "for the sake of the children" it doesn't stop the reality that divorce is very hard on kids. Throughout the EMDR I realized just how irrational my fears were. Because Beautiful also married young (that was also a hard decision that we prayed over and sought biblical counsel on for months and months before we gave consent) and now was thinking of having a child young I just couldn't get myself out of "being" that young child whose mother left. In "trauma talk" we call that being stuck in "trauma time." When triggered by something in the present we revert back to feeling like we are back in the trauma and that the trauma never resolved or finished. I was convinced that early marriage and children equaled divorce and hurt kids. Anyway, after the EMDR I could see it. Before, Nope.
Next insight - when I was a senior in high school my step-sister who is 2 days younger than me had a baby. I saw how much that affected her life, the child's life, our family dynamics, and now the next 26 years of her life. Again, flipping back into "trauma time" (and let me tell you, that just because she is the one who had the baby it doesn't mean it wasn't also traumatic for me - the only other kid still living in the home) I just kept believing "this can only end in heartache."
Next insight- I am raising 4 kids who mothers had them too young and without the means to parent them the way they needed to be parented. I see their pain every day when they ask about their birth families or they struggle with something related poor prenatal experiences or early trauma or attachment issues. I don't want my grandchildren to suffer the same way. Again, I kept seeing "this can only end badly."
And, of course in my profession I do a lot of marriage counseling. Countless times I have heard spouses say "we just got married too young and had kids too soon." Even in my own marriage, I was 22 when we got married, 24 when our daughter was born, and I just finishing graduate school with the means to provide financially for our family, etc and it was still very challenging. Again, I could only see that this decision could only result in divorce or an unhealthy marriage.
Throughout the course of 20 minutes of EMDR I was able to process through decades of prejudices and hostility and came out of it with several conclusions. They were things that I had been telling myself before but I just couldn't "own" if you know what I mean? Like it was in my head but every time the topic was broached I just kept reverting back to the ugly emotional place convinced that it could only end in disaster (and, of course, I couldn't keep my mouth shut about that could I? Jeesh).
I came to be able to "own" several conclusions (and more that I don't need to go into). My daughter is not my mother. My daughter is not my sister. My son-in-law is not my father or my niece's father. Beautiful and my son-in-law have tried very very hard to honor God in their courtship, marriage, and now with starting a family. The situations are not the same (except for the age - even that she is 2 years older than my mom or my sister were). They are not my adopted kids' bio parents or making the decisions that they made. God is sovereign over this. Am I going to trust God in this, or my own very flawed logic? How many times has God had to remind me over and over that I need to trust Him, that I can trust Him...even when the outcome has been heartbreaking? God is far more about process than end result (which I don't always appreciate) because that is what changes hearts. Obviously He needed to change my heart...and I am so thankful that He did:)
Finally, were my fears really worth ruining my relationship with this precious young woman and her equally amazing husband who are trying to live their own journey for Christ? Am I really so utterly self-centered that my way is the only way?
Ugg. I told you it was ugly. That I was ugly. I came out the other side of the processing with an intense excitement and joy for them to have a child. Anyone who has done EMDR will relate that it is like something "flips." In fact, I just sat there afterwards and thought, "really? I was really that worked up about this? What the heck?"
I immediately texted my daughter and told her that I had figured out my own yuck and was supportive of whatever their decision would be.
And I was:) I am!
The bad...
I won't say much about this part because it is not my story to tell, but it took awhile for our daughter to conceive. Every month was heartbreaking for them, and I cried right along with her. I am crying about it yet again while typing this... When I think about what it would have been like for her to go through that without my support? What if she would have thought every month that she wasn't pregnant "I can't tell mom because she will just be happy that I am not pregnant?" What if I would have uttered words like, "it is for the best?" totally invalidating her pain? It was hard enough when one of her sisters went to Awana and announced that Beautiful was pregnant (1 hour after a discussion that the sister heard about how sad Beautiful was that she was NOT yet pregnant). So people were making comments to Beautiful about it. That was heartbreaking situation for Beautiful that I, again, was able to be supportive of but what if I hadn't been? I had Beautiful do EMDR during the time she was not getting pregnant, not to take away any of the pain of situation (which no one can do) but to help her stop believing that it was her fault. I never had an issue with fertility so had no idea how to resonate with her on this topic, but it would have been so much worse if I had not gotten my own act together. I am so thankful that God kicked me into action about it when He did!
I see all of the comments of support and encouragement and excitement from many of you when we made the announcement yesterday. If I would not have dealt with my own fears I would have been such a hypocrite - claiming to be happy on the outside while grinding my teeth on the inside.
But, I AM excited! I AM GOING TO BE A GRANDMA!!!! How awesome it that?!?! My daughter has grown up, and carried on the precious cycle of life! I mean, we have SIX CHILDREN! Kids are important to us and we have centered our lives around raising children - she has seen how we value family and is carrying that on. That is a beautiful thing, not something to avoid. In fact, Beautiful, as the oldest of 6 kids, has had far more experience and will be far more prepared with her first child than I was lol! We hope to raise our kids "right" desiring to honor and serve the Lord and they desire to do that - why would I stand in the way of that? Whereas before I know that I would have been cold and distant about it, now I can tell that they are going to have to tell me to back off. I already rub her tummy and talk to my grand baby telling him/her how much I love him/her. I have already asked if I get to be part of labor and delivery - how intrusive is that lol!?! I want to be the best grandma ever, and I want to be the best mom ever - letting my daughter and her husband know that I am totally supportive of their decisions but yet won't have a fit when they set a boundary.
When Beautiful was born my grandmother came to visit. She held Beautiful and teared up saying "I have always, ever since I was a little girl, always wanted to be a great grandma." I thought that was an odd wish in life. But now I understand it:) Consequently, when we went back to Minnesota last week to tell our family in person about the baby coming my grandma was so thrilled that she now gets to be a great GREAT Grandma!
Whew. That is a lot of good, bad, and ugly... for the 1 or 2 of you who have actually read this far and don't think I am a total failure at being a mother because of what I have shared, I have a funny story for you. This is how they told us...
The day before my husband's birthday it was an hour before church and I was up jogging on my little trampoline (I jog on it and not a treadmill to lower the impact on my back). Beautiful and her husband showed up and asked for my husband as they wanted to give him his birthday present. While I was jogging they handed him a piece of paper. After he read it I asked what they got him and he said, "A dog." Now, I am NOT a dog person. Not even a tiny bit. We have a dog that my husband got for Beautiful in 2006. We still have the dog. I had hoped that we would not replace the dog upon it's eventual demise. My daughter and husband love dogs and have 2. TWO!
So, my response that flew out of my mouth was "Oh no they did not!" He handed me the paper. It started with how much she appreciated him as a dad and went into memories. Then it went into talking about how they had ordered his gift but it wouldn't be in until December. I just kept thinking, "they are getting a puppy from a litter, it still has to be bred and weaned. It must be a fancy hunting dog. I can't believe this. How in the world am I going to fake excitement for another DOG in this house when I don't like dogs but want to honor my husband who does like dogs and my daughter and her husband have obviously gone through so much work to pull this together?!?!?!" Yeah, laughing at me yet?
Then at the bottom it said "and it will call you Grandpa."
I totally lost it. I screamed "NO!!!" (not a bad no) and jumped off of the trampoline, all sweaty and nasty and just held my daughter and was crying with excitement and relief for them. I think I just kept saying "my baby, my baby" over and over lol! Finally she said, "mom, you stink!"
My husband likes tricking/surprising me. He was tickled that he got me good!
That is how I found out. Relief it was a baby and not a dog lol! But, seriously, I look on them telling us with such fondness now. Praise the Lord He knocked some sense into me so I could share in their excitement and not make it a dreaded moment for them.
So, there it is. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. Praise God that He heals us and sanctifies us.
Praise God for our grand baby!
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