Raising children is very difficult. Raising kids with "special" needs is also difficult. One of my children threatens my perspective more than the others - although they all definitely take turns. "She" is a precious, loving, giving, creative, hard working, affectionate, and attentive to emotions of others child. However, the impulsivity, hyperactivity, and a complete lack of self-control or emotional regulation at times is overwhelming. The arguing. Or Dear Lord! The arguing! Please make it stop!
The morning of the sermon in question was so bad that we kept Buddy home from Sunday School to stay with her because we had to go teach Sunday School and couldn't trust her to not act out if we left the house. We put her in her room, then came back after Sunday School to get her. She was completely calm and apologetic by then. I wish so badly there was an ADHD medication that worked 24/7. All because I told her that the hair clip she wanted to put in her hair did not match her dress...
As I was walking to church with her after Sunday School, I was feeling at my wits end. I was already dreading summertime with us not getting the respite we get when she goes to school. I was considering asking someone to take her for a couple of weeks to give us a break. She does not typically act out for others. The people who have had her 1:1 say that she does well with that ratio. She probably would have done better as an only child... But that is not our reality...
Which leads me to today's sermon. Our pastor started preaching through Colossians the previous week. That was a good sermon too, intellectually. But today really struck me in the heart (so much so that when we had our "what did you think of the sermon" talk during lunch and I was crying I freaked out the kids - they rarely see me cry).
The title of the sermon was "Our Desperate Need and God's Joyful Response." He talked about how we are reconciled with Christ (if we believe in Him as our Lord and Savior) because of His death on the cross. That we have a desperate need for saving and God responded to that need by having Jesus die for us.
In essence, The gospel.
Which Jesus did willingly and joyfully.
He gave the uncomfortable example of the Titanic. In the lifeboats there was 1 captain of a lifeboat who wanted to go back to save more drowning people, but the passengers on the boat said "no" because they were afraid of capsizing the boat and all of them dying. There was a boat where the people said "go save more people" but the captain of the lifeboat said "no" for the similar reason. And there was a boat where the people and the captain all agreed to go save some more, and 13 more were saved. Tragic. Utterly tragic. What would we choose in that type of situation? While I want to be like boat #3, I think that too often I am like boat #1.
Yet, we are those people drowning and Jesus chose to die, die for us. And asks us to be like him and care for his people like he cares for them.
He asks us to care for his children like he cares for them. Sacrificially.
I am desperate for Jesus to sacrificially love me no matter what. And my daughter is desperate for me to love her no matter what. With a joyful response.
Uff da.
I feel so beat down and empty...too often. I feel like I sacrifice for them every moment. Everything I do is centered around taking care of these children. How we have structured and live our lives is completely centered around the needs of these children. Yet, do I have the joyful response to their desperate need? Ummm, nope. There wasn't much joy that morning as I heard pounding on the walls, wondered what would get broken today, and heard the hateful words coming from the room.
But don't I do the same to Jesus? Do I really have my heart set the way I need to with Him or am I in rebellion against him in deed and attitude too?
Ouch.
It is good to belong to a Bible preaching church that challenges us in our sanctification process. I know a lot of people who say that they believe in God but don't think they need to attend church. I am not going to tell others what they should or should not do about that and I completely agree that if church is just a ritual to attend, I am not sure what the benefit is. However, if I did not attend a solid Bible teaching church and was left to my own devices I know I would become more lukewarm and isolated, drowning in my own futile thinking. I need my pastors to be challenging me, and I need others' who I know are thinking Biblically to challenge me and encourage me. In raising these tough kiddos I have become isolated. I hardly ever talk to friends, having lost a lot when we chose to have these kids. It is too time consuming to pour into them and pour into friendships (and pour into others via my job). My best friend is my husband (as it should be) but I recognize that outside friendships are also necessary to help lift us in the Lord. I think we are at a place where I can begin to nurture those again.
To hear the gospel every week (in addition to my Bible reading and prayer time during the week) and saturate myself with Truth when the world wants to keep pulling me away.
That day I needed the reminder: joyfully love the desperate need of my sinful kids. After all, I am just like them and that is what I want Jesus to do for me.
In the past couple of weeks this perspective shift (reminder to preach the gospel to myself) was what I needed. I have been able to maintain perspective and not become as frustrated. I have been able to maintain my joyful response (well, not always exactly joyful but better...;)
Which leads me to my next post : Summer Bootcamp. I am loving it!
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