Moving forward after 4 years...

It has been a long 4 years.  Most of the time we have  felt like we were fumbling in the darkness or trying to tread water but mostly sinking under the water coming up to gasp for air.  June marks 4 years since Grace became legally ours after the 20 month "unknowns" of a foster placement - she turned 2 the month before the adoption.  It is also the month that Superman and Faith came to us as foster kids - the month they turned 3, and 2.  16 months later we officially adopted them (they never had visitation with bio family so they were always with us after placement).  8 months later we were agency approved for a domestic infant adoption and 2 months after that...we found out about JJ, traveled to get him, watched him be born, and had him home within 7 days.

I know many families who have added more children than we have.  I know many who have added harder kids.  I know many who have more kids the same age.  But the past 4 years have been tough on us.  Here is a glimpse into our journey.

Mostly, I have been deeply humbled by this experience.  I have had to sort through my beliefs about myself, others, God, and faith.  I have struggled with my own sin - mostly pride.  I have had to rethink what the "main thing" is.  Stress tends to bring all of the "yuck" of a person to the surface. 

What I have probably learned more than anything else is that I cannot do it.  Those of you who know me understand my Type A personality and that this would be deeply humbling to me.  Growing up on a farm I learned to work hard.  Growing up during the 1980's farm crisis as a farmer's daughter I learned what it was like to have little.  I thrived in academics and, bolstered by competition with my younger brother who is WAY smarter than I, I sought to do my best.  I laugh now that I wanted off of the farm so much that I chose a field the supposedly would give me a "9 - 5" job.  Now I'm self-employed and home schooling a 1/2 dozen kids - there is no 9 - 5 lol!

It has been hard to ask for help and only very recently have I realized the necessity for this.  I have thought about "how it takes a church family" to raise up our children.  I am so deeply thankful for the individuals who have stepped up to be special friends for our children.  In my pride I used to think I could be their everything...lol...not even close.

It has also been humbling for me to let others see what our children are like.  I have felt pressure from "you are Christians, your children "should" behave."  Or, "you are home schoolers, your children need more socialization and then they won't misbehave."  Or, "you have too many kids and are not able to give them what they need so they misbehave."  I have had to let go of my expectations of well mannered children and accept that their behavior belongs to them.  My role is to discipline and guide - their job is to learn it and own it.  At the end of life, I answer to God for teaching it...and they answer to God for learning it.  I have also come to have much grace for others when I see their children not doing "whatever" like they "should"...and learned that I cannot expect that others will have that same grace for me...

Grieving the loss of dreams is hard.  Realizing that my dreams were mine and I was not resting in God's perfect plan was crushingly humbling.  I had always admired from afar when other adoptive parents were knowingly adopting "special needs" kids.  I thought what they were doing was great...but I could never do it.  God must have laughed at my plans and decided to remind me who was in control and by Whose strength all things were done when He blessed us with our kiddos.  I am now in a more peaceful place of resting in Him as we seek to do what we can to give our kids the most we know how, and leaning on His grace that the children are perfectly created by a loving Creator.  I have learned so much about the neurological effects of early trauma, prenatal insult, learning "differences," and their corresponding treatments...and lack of treatments.  I have walked the line between appreciating a diagnosis so I can better tailor daily life to the needs/abilities of the child and yet remembering that the child is simply the child, not a diagnosis.  However, this continues to be my biggest struggle to date...

I have learned when my body is telling me "it is TOOO MUCH!!!"  Less than a year after we had 3 essentially same age children I herniated a disk.  Bending over bottoms, tubs, sinks, beds, carseats, etc and carrying 3 toddlers took its toll on me.  I did not know what it was at the time. I just knew that my lower back experienced much pain and my legs and feet were numb and had shooting pain a lot.  It took over a year to get the diagnosis of a herniated disk.  That was the beginning of July 2010.  I had 6 weeks of 3x a week traction...then JJ came.  The pain was utterly unbearable at that time.  I dreaded going to bed as during the night the disk would swell and I could not roll over or even wake up without terrible pain.  Often my husband would have to roll me over as I could not do it myself.  I could not stand first thing in the morning...the pain was as horrid as childbirth.  During the day I would get to a place where I could function.  I could not vacuum, give baths, sweep, twist, carry groceries, etc.  Never mind actually carrying a child, rocking in a rocking chair with a child (leaning back in a chair or sitting with my feet up was horrific), sit in a car comfortably, stand comfortably, walk for exercise, etc.  When JJ came he would wake at night and my husband would have to get up with him and try to pacify him while I took 15 minutes to get out of bed and into a chair to feed him (JJ could not handle formula so I went through the process to breastfeed him - also meaning I could not take pain meds).  While JJ was born at 5lbs 4 oz and his slow growth has been worrisome to us, we have seen God's hand in his slow growth coupling with my back getting stronger so that I could carry him.  When he would born I could not even lift 10 lbs.  JJ is a very clingy child and desires to be "worn" much.  It has aided tremendously in bonding and I am now able to wear him (with limits) and he is just about at 25 lbs!!!

Other ways I have learned that my body is over taxed:
back pain, forgetting words (biggest one), exhaustion, irritability, unable to hold 2 thoughts together (laugh, but I could not logically play cards for awhile and am thrilled that I can now think well enough to play well again lol!).  Some days I just don't have the motivation to do anything.

Ways I cope:
I let myself not do anything (for a very infrequent day), knowing that I will be more efficient on the days where I have energy and motivation.  I even let myself nap when necessary (not every often).  The baby just started sleeping through the night a month ago so between the pain from my back and his not sleeping through the night it had been years since I had slept through the night.  I'm trying to learn how to do it again:)  I make sure that my work week is M and T.  I may work 12 hour days on M and T, but I keep it there.  I have to say 'no" to a lot of ministry and fun things.  My friendships have significantly dwindled.   I don't know what is going on in the world.  I don't feel guilty for it, knowing this is my season of life to raise up children.  I walk with my husband as many times a week as possible - it is the only uninterrupted time we get!  I have allowed my house to be far more cluttered than would have ever been acceptable in the past.  Every now and again I attempt to find the horizontal surfaces where things get stacked and put up high away from baby's reach.  The floors stay pretty well cleared and cleaned:) I absolutely plan nothing for Sundays.  I need that day as my "clutch."  That is how the Lord intended it, right?  So sometimes I feel bad that we don't invite someone over for lunch after church, etc.  But I know that I have to protect that day if I am going to be able to recharge myself to get through the week.

I talk with people about being a coffee pot - we just keep pouring out into others but need to be refilled or we will not be effective in filling them.  I also think about a car with a manual transmission (I learned to drive on one:)  One needs to push in the clutch and disengage the motor.  I think often of my "clutch" time - how to know when the RPM's are too high and when I just need to disengage.  I think that the turning point for me finally starting to feel like I was not drowning occurred when our family went to Mexico a few months ago.  It was a total time of disengagement and it has yielded much fruit for me despite some people not understanding why we would leave 2 of our children here when we were on a "family" vacation.

Aside from pushing in the "clutch," I have decided that grace for others is necessary for my sanity.  Other people just simply do not understand.  I could not possibly understand if I were not living it.  So, when we are told that we are bad parents for leaving our children home during a vacation, or that we need to discipline a child more and she wouldn't act that way, or we need to be less strict, or we just need to let the baby cry it out in nursery or to sleep through the night, or whatever else we have heard over the past 4 years - I just need to smile to myself that once I was in their legalistic shoes and now I need to just wait for God to work on their hearts like He has worked on mine (not that I don't still struggle with a host of legalistic issues).

After trying a host of options to help the needs of our kids we are seeing some progress. JJ now sleeps through the night most nights at 20 months.  He has not been on an antibiotic for 3 months and has gained weight for 2 consecutive months. He is eating and developing nicely.  Grace is calmer and more focused.  We are beginning to consistently see the sweet and caring girl that she is.   Superman is making progress in the classroom and learning to use his words to express his many fears.  Faith is finding her voice to tell us what is on her heart.  Buddy is making progress being an almost 12 y/o boy and all of the fun of that age lol!  Beautiful is quickly moving toward an independent life.

I have said yes to a couple of extras and we will see how they go.  I'm teaching Sunday School again this summer. I will continue to teach "song time" for the elementary in the church.  I obviously continue to work and all that is involved in that.  I am determined to deeply purge and organize this house this summer to have a solid standing going into next school year.  My husband and I are trying to get away by ourselves more (3x total since JJ  has come home lol!).  I feel like I can more intentionally plan for the day, week, month, year rather than just being happy to survive the day.  We believe we are done adding to our family so now we are looking forward to what we are to do to raise up these blessings that have been entrusted to us to know Him, love Him, obey Him, trust Him, serve Him, and live for Him.

JJ is 20 months...the same age as the last time Faith saw her Tummy Mommy...

JJ turned 20 months old today! It has been a sweet time watching him grow. We are thrilled that we seem to have the allergies under control enough with the air purifier and two supplements (Lymph and Soft Tissue) that he sleeps through the night most nights...FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! He is still iffy on naps. He is an odd child with so many things. Totally unlike any of the other 5. He is much more cuddly (he will actually bring me the Ergo carrier and hold it up so that I will wear him), yet more angry (will bite, scratch, and pinch when not being "heard") and he totally defies any attempt on routine for sleep, eating, etc. Those of you who have met him personally know that even at 20 months he is still very, very scared of people and will not go to anyone other than my husband, Beautiful, or myself. He has stayed with a sitter 2x total who did amazingly well and used the other kids as a distraction to its fullest extent:) He is finally playing in nursery...but there is still no way I can leave him there without me. We are OK with this - he is different than the other kids and his anxiety level is much higher than them. We will be patient with this part of who he is just like we were patient with the sleeping:)

20 months is also the age that Faith last saw her Tummy Mommy. I try to imagine the first 20 months of her life - she came to us at 23 months. I try to imagine her first 12 months of life going back and forth between her grandmother and her mother and unknown people. I try to imagine the next 8 months of her life living with another family who thought they would only have her and Superman for 1 month...waiting for the grandmother to return from overseas. I have snapshots of these months...being sat in a highchair for hours and hours. Not having a bed. Things her brother tells us about and that he remembers in vivid detail. The last view of her mother...being taken away in a police car... being taken to another home for another 3 months. She remembers nothing - how could she at 20 months? Her brother remembers details...lots of them. I ponder the blessing of her having no memories of those times. I ponder the blessing of him remembering. I ponder the grief she feels at having no memories of her birth family. I ponder the grief of him having memories...

20 months - JJ is always with us. He is always scared in new situations and we are always there to provide comfort. We will not allow him to be afraid. Is that over compensation for knowing what the others experienced when we could not be there to comfort them...and the many, many long term consequences for their many days of feeling fear, loss, unknowns, and no one advocating for them? Is it just responsible parenting in an attempt to teach him that without a doubt he is safe. Safe. Safe. Something the others don't deeply know...even now.

It is also a bitter sweet time to celebrate 20 months with our precious baby, knowing that 3 states away a mother sits and thinks about what it would feel like to hold her 24 lb baby boy. She knows she did the right thing, yet she grieves what she has lost. She tries to not think about it, focusing on the baby boy she will birth in 2 1/2 months.

In this journey of life and adoption there are 2 sides for every coin. I am so grateful for the blessings that God has poured out on us yet I realize that while still in this world there is also the shadow of sin that muddies all of the waters. One day all things will be made new. This is not our home and I wait in anticipation for the day when Jesus returns and rights all wrongs and wipes away every tear...

I have a confession: I have an addiction...

When I look at the criteria for an addiction I see myself:
1) Tolerance: over time the same amount isn't enough - I want MORE
2) Withdrawal: when I don't have it - I think about how much I would rather have it
3) I use more and more over time unless I exercise extreme restraint
4) I spend a great deal of time thinking about wanting to do it again
6) I give up other things so that I can engage in this activity
7) I continue to do this despite it being suggested that I need to stop.

Yes...I admit it...I am addicted to reading.

I LOVE to read. I can't get enough reading. When I start a book I think of nothing else until I get done. I give up sleep. I give up cooking and cleaning (of COURSE!). I neglect relationships around with those around me. I neglect my responsibilities. When my husband sees me get a book out he tells the children, "kids, your mother will be unavailable until she is done with the book." If I have to feed the children (sigh, THREE times a day!) I prop the book on the counter and attempt to multi task. My husband does not like to read...at ALL! He does not understand my addiction and thus has little empathy for my affliction. I love home schooling my kids because it allows me to secretly continue my addiction. If I can't read for fun...I'll read for them! I find all kinds of awesome books to read to them...for HOURS! Unfortunately I have 2 out of 6 that don't like to be read to (don't have the attention span). But...for the 4...YES! Living history books, history, autobiographies...I'm getting giddy thinking about it. When reading the Elsie Dinsmore, Little House on the Prairie, Nancy Drew, or Hardy Boys series to my kids I would read a whole book to them in a day...or more! Many times I get so engrossed in the story but my mouth can't keep up with my eyes so I read on ahead silently with my children saying, "Mom! Read it to us!!!" Who can stop?!?!

When I was a pre-teen and teenager I read all of the time. Life on the farm was not very conducive to reading with all of the chores, livestock, baling, bean-walking, mowing, house cleaning, canning, barn cleaning, etc. I loved the weekends and summer weeks at my mom's house where I could read and read. Of course, they would tell me that I needed to read less and spend more time with them. I read as much as my life would allow. College was not hard since I required lots of ...reading!

After having a couple of children I tried to cut down. I knew that I had other responsibilities and must...try...to...stop!!! I was doing really well. I set strict limits: I never read fiction (except living history type) and NEVER read romance novels. I don't read for my fun but it must be either work related, parenting/personal improvement, or for the children. I withstood temptation and was doing so good. But then... I discovered...free ebooks. Oh yes, it is the time of year to prepare for next school year. I began to download ebooks for next year's school. I discovered the many FREE ebooks such as those by Henty and other classics. I heard about a MUST READ book written by an adult adoptee and told myself that I needed to read it for parenting purposes. I started it during the storm watch/prep yesterday. After all..ahem...what else was there to do? Well, I finished it. (very good book by the way that I HIGHLY recommend but beware - it is deeply convicting and will change the way you parent!: Things Were Better Before You Came by Doug Walker) . But...I couldn't stop. After finishing that book I STARTED ANOTHER ONE! I stayed up too late reading. This one: In His Steps by Charles Monroe Sheldon. I absolutely LOVE to read! If given my choice on a deserted island. I would choose books. Reading is at the top of my favorites list. There are very, very few things I would rather do than read a book. I realize that this is not the season of my life, though, to be devouring books. But...I like it soo much! Alas... I forced myself to do the things today that are required, and even a little more to pacify the guilt at not being more productive. I baked bread:) Now...to finish my book!

JJ's Great Escape(s)!

Today JJ discovered that the table that we use as a barrier at the bottom of the stairs can be pushed aside, squeezed around, etc so he can make it to the stairs to climb up and away.

Today, JJ discovered that he can simply push the accordion gate away at the top of the stairs to squeeze underneath it to get down the stairs.

But the scariest by far was:
After supper he had made a HUGE mess of his food so I washed his hair out and was doing dishes. Since he has always been the Velcro Kid (until TODAY!) I was not worried about him not being right by my side in the kitchen. I still had a kid at the table, one in the kitchen, and 3 outside - he couldn't get too far and won't usually even try. I see from my vantage point of the kitchen window the 3 outside jumping on the trampoline, then curiously see one running toward the house. I think it is odd and turn toward the door and realize that JJ is NOT behind me. I yell "where is the baby!?!?!" I run through the house screaming "JJ!!!" I envision him upside down in a toilet drowned. I am frantic. He NEVER is more than 5 feet from me. I run to the bathrooms, I run through all of the rooms upstairs. I remember that he just figured out how to get downstairs so go to run downstairs and hear Beloved laughing and saying "I have him!"

Sure enough...the escape artist had crawled...OUT THE DOGGIE DOOR! When I saw Buddy running toward the house he had seen JJ coming out of the doggie door and was coming to get him (6 foot drop off of the side of the step down into the backyard).

I have a feeling that this little guy is going to keep me on my toes! I'm so glad that God is watching my kids even when they are out of my sight, and that all of my other children found it so hilarious even as I had to stop a bit to get over my fright!

jj and temper tantrums

JJ has some mean temper tantrums. He is the only kid we have had that has been quite like this. In the past couple of months he gets really angry and hits, bites, scratches, kicks, etc. He is inconsolable during those times. We have mulled over possible options:
1) Sin - yep, probably the biggest reason
2) Allergies - he is often scratching the top of his head (even as a baby he would do this, we thought he was doing it due being angry but now we realized that when he allergies are bad his head is so congested that he is pulling on his hair to get some relief).
3) language - he is doing well with learning sign language, and is even making up a couple of his own signs for things. He only has about 10 or less words at 19 months. He uses "up" for both "up" and "down." It is cute:) Anyway, I know that he gets frustrated with us not understanding him. He signs "more" for any kind of food. That obviously is a broad range and since he is so picky it is not like we can give him just anything!
4) hungry - I'm sure that with the congestion he doesn't taste and smell food to make him want to eat it. He will eat limited foods and even then only a few bites. His tummy is probably upset much of the time from drainage from his head.
5) lack of sleep - this kid has always had problems with sleep. We know that most of it is due to the congestion and not feeling well. However, he is still tired even if he won't sleep. It is like when he gets close to that just about to fall asleep stage he can't quite get to it. He is, on this new supplement, sleeping longer as it helps his congestion.

We are thankful that we have gone about 2 months without being on an antibiotic! I do think that things are getting better, especially with all of the pollen alerts, etc that we are in and he has not developed a sinus infection. We are hopeful for the new testing/intervention the end of this month and what it might be able to offer. If it does not help...then we aren't any worse off than where we are now:) The biochemist option has also provided significant relief...but probably bringing us from a "10" to a "6/7" for level of issues.

Hoping that if he feels better...we can reduce some of the temper tantrums. I'm getting a little tired of being scratched up! However, this too will pass. I keep reminding myself that one day I will be lonely and bored...this is only a season and one day I will miss it so much!

Allergies, sleep, etc

Well, of course as soon as I post that things are going better...they are not lol!
JJ's allergies were terrible (along with the rest of the country) when the weather got beautiful and the pollen counts when through the roof. He stopped sleeping for awhile again at night (he has quit naps about 5 days a week - the days he does nap he then stays up until after midnight although normally he doesn't go to sleep until 11:30 anyway). We have found another supplement combination that is working as well as the Claritin did AND has him sleeping through the night (once he actually GOES to sleep). So we typically get sleep from midnightish until 5:30ish or possibly later before he wakes to be cuddled and falls back to sleep).

Faith's allergies have also been terrible. Neither of them can find much relief. We checked into allergy shots and out of pocket they would be about $3.50 day for a year for one kid. We have been told about another alternative medicine option for allergies that we have decided to proceed with the end of this month. We are cautiously skeptical, but hope that it will be better than taking two children to the doctor every week and listen to them scream from a shot. This option, in theory, will only require a limited number of visits.

Grace's behavior also goes up and down. We say over and over to ourselves in the morning, "wait for the meds to kick in, wait for the meds to kick in." Mornings are tough. But, once the meds kick in life proceeds... She is showing quite a talent for art kind of things so we are trying to tailor her day around coloring, drawing, etc. I wish we could help her attention span so she can grasp academics better...she tries so hard...

I wish that we knew what was trustworthy and what was not so we knew for sure what to do and what not do.

Today's Funnies

Happened to actually remember some funny kid comments today:)

I walked outside to check on the kids unseen and heard:
Faith in a singsong voice: "I'm going to Africa and it's a bad place."
Superman: "Wait, you ARE from Africa!"
Faith: "No! I'm Chinese!"
Me: Wha???? I guess I need to work on ethnicity and their beliefs about Africa since we focus mostly on how their parents were refugees and had to leave due to war!

Me: Here are some carrots with your lunch.
Superman: why do we have to eat carrots?
Me: Carrots are good for your eyes so you can see and don't need glasses.
Faith, taking a bite: I can see! I'm not blind anymore!!

Faith: "Superman, remember when Beautiful painted your toenails?"
Superman: "yeah, that was like 12 years ago!"
Grace: "huh? wait, I thought you were..."
Faith: "You were only 3."
Superman: "I was 4."
Faith (in an exasperated voice): "boys."

Grace (sound out a word list to me): "D A D. Dad? Hey, that's how you spell OUR Dad!"